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Review Requests: ON
1,123 Public Reviews Given
1,364 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 ... Next
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251
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1508787 Unavailable **


Interesting entry. The conflict is good and intriguing. This could be a good book, everything that leads up to this entry from what I can tell. The last paragraph is very good and a solid end.

I had a hard time telling if there was one main character or two. Most of it focuses on Franky, and that makes sense considering the title. But there are a couple of instances where it seems to go into Bill Parker's pov just a tad.

Warder? Is this supposed to be similar to a Warden?



Thanks for your entry. Good Luck!
252
252
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is a deep, sad little poem. I think it's very well written and like how it starts, building from the first line towards the last. Very heartfelt and poetic. You did a good job with this one.


Imagery:

Can picture the bruise.


Favorite Part:

It hurts when I touch it
but I can’t help myself.
I want to feel the pain
know it’s real
because it’s the one
I’m allowed to feel.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Not sure what you could do to make it any better. It is pretty darn good the way it is now.
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253
Review of Little Girl Lost  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

I see what you mean about the off feeling. However, I must say the concept is great. Very good job at this poem. It'd be perfect if you figure out the off tone. But even without it, it's a good poem.


Favorite Part:

So now my hand is cold
and my heart is feeling old


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Here are some suggestions to consider.

In the first stanza, it might flow different if the "you are" ones are combined to be "you're".

The second stanza is what sound off to me. It seems to have a choppier flow compared to the first stanza with stronger lines that have more punch at each line instead of the type of flow together that it's the first.


Nice Poem
254
254
Review of Cruel Love  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

Nice poem. I enjoyed reading this one. It has good use of emotions and is sad but strong.
The different stanzas are great, unique and a very nice touch. I like how this one is created.

Favorite Part:

I gasp, surprised---warm lips find mine,
unexpected, yet truly divine.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

causing my pained heart suddenly to race

instantly to shatter. - reword "instantly"

unexpected, yet truly divine. - would reword "truly" or delete it

as a cunning voice sweetly entices me. - Sweetly would be better not as an adverb

A smirk then appeared on that enchanting face,

he then walked away--vanishing from sight,



Good Poem
Keep Writing
255
255
Review of The Skirt  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review connected with -
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It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Initial Reaction:

This is great. I enjoyed reading the story. Though, we have a catholic school in my old town in utah and their skirts aren't very short. I've seen a few of the girls come into the coffeeshop with their school uniform on.

Character Development:

I like the development of the character from the beginning until the end.


Ending:

Great ending. It's very nice and the long skirt is unexpected.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. Good job.
256
256
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review connected with -
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Initial Reaction:

Very nice and touching story. I liked it. The first part was interesting to read and realistic. Gave a good description of a character without that character actually being there. Very nice.


Character Development:

Nice job with both the main and secondary characters. The dialogue was believable and easy to understand. All of the characters had interesting acts to them and enough detail for such a short piece.


Ending:

Wonderful ending. Not completely unexpected but also a nice surprise. Very touching and well done.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

no suggestions
257
257
Review of Morgana's Colors  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review associated with
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain



Title:

The title is very fitting to the little story. Nice and simple.

Initial Reaction:

Such a sad story but very well written. I like the use of color in the three paragraphs. Well done. And even though I don't often like colored text, this time it works well.


Character Development:

Such a sad character. I can really connect and have empathy towards Morgana. Seeing the things that she goes through and how that would cause the ending to occur. So sad.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I have one minor suggestion.

You know…when they are absolutely, positively, sure.
I can tell what you were going for but the adverbs make the sentence a little weak. I think that it would have more of a punch if you did the same as the other two lines.

Nice Story.
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258
Review of Katherine  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review connected with -
FORUM
It's In The Mail! ~ Closed!  (E)
An Auction to raise funds for RAOK and Angel Upgrades!
#1516836 by Mara ♣ McBain


Title:

A dedication to a friend, wonderful. Name is a great title since it also is used down the poem as the first letter for each line.


Comments:

This is a very nice poem written for one of your friends. I hope that Katherine enjoyed the lovely dedication to her. Sweet.


Form:

Acrostic- the letter of each line forms a word, the title. Followed it well, no error there.


Favorite Part:

An angel most kind with flaws so bare
Testing the waters of courage and faith


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions.

Nice Poem.
259
259
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Title:

Nice title and well fitting.


Comments:

This is another great poem. It reminds me of some other types I've read over the past couple of months. The topic isn't overly common but there are some of similar topics out there. It's interesting and I like how you laid it out.



Favorite Part:

Ambien dreams help me
soar through the night.
Trouble free thoughts
keeping me from fright.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

One minor suggestion:

Dreamlessly moving - this line is the weakest of all the lines. The adverb, dreamlessly, makes it so compared to the rest of the poem. Consider changing the line to "dreamless movement". Just a suggestion.



Nice Poem
Keep Writing
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Review of Looking Up  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Comments:

This is another very simple poem. It kind of reminds me dr. seuss. I would not like it here, i would not like it there, i would not like it anywhere. *giggles*


Form:

Another scrapbook poem.... so curious as to what that means. I'd comment on how well you followed the format but don't know it. lol

Favorite Part:

Nobody is here
Nobody is there
Nobody is anywhere


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. See you are a poet. *Wink*
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Review of You and Me  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

Short and simple. This is a really great poem. It doesn't put too many words in an attempt to sound poetic, which some poems unfortunately do. Nice job with this one as I enjoyed reading it.


Form:

This form is intriguing. I really want to know what a scrapbook poem is now. May have to look it up or you'll have to explain it to me.


Favorite Part:

You and Me
The look of the eyes.
The fall of the hair.
The shape of the face


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions. This looks perfect to me.


Great Job.
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262
Review of In it's place  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

This poem is very different. It is a nice read and something that deals with emotions others would understand. The form is simple and not too fancy.


Form:

I've never heard of a scrapbook poem. Different.


Favorite Part:

Where the line crosses:
between truth and fiction.
Worldwide expectations.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

I checked in the dictionary, I don't think "holehearted" is a word.
Try:
wholehearted - showing or characterized by complete sincerity and commitment .



Nice Poem.
263
263
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **


Title:

One of the longest titles I've seen for a poem. But it works in this case. I almost want the first part to be "silence is never silent" but then again I like it how it is now.


Comments:

This is awesome! Honestly. It's kind of funky, very different and I love it.


Form:

I had never heard of a found language poem before but it seems very interesting. I might have to give it a try some day. It's different and you seem to enjoy the form based on this great poem you created using it.


Favorite Part:

Humiliation comes from walking backwards
down the wrong hallway, day in and day out.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

None. *Heart*
264
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Review of Best Friends  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Initial Reaction:

This is interesting and I think with some development it could be a great piece of flash fiction. Keeping it short adds to the impact. The first person point of view is good, interesting and will keep the reader's attention. The topic is good and something that could be punched up a bit. I like the description "stop nagging me" that is amusing enough to bring attention to it with the contrast of the title.

The story has a taste of truth to it in a way that others will be able to relate.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

My main suggestion is to add some space. Right now it is a block of text and that makes it difficult to read. It bothers the eyes a little bit and will make readers less interested. Here is an example using the beginning.


The frigid air had cleared my hearing. I slowly marched through the crisp, frozen snow. Each step echoed through the leafless grey trunks. Their northwest side had a crust of snow, and the trees had no tops.

When I looked up, all I could see were fat lazy snowflakes taking their time getting to their graves. Each flake was hemmed in pure darkness.

I could hear rabbits dashing through the bare bushes snapping small twigs in their haste. A small smile came to my frozen face when I reached my destination.

I was a thirteen-year-old boy on a mission. My whole day was planned and revolved around this one moment.I had my father drive my snow shovel and me into town.


Do you see how it breaks things up a bit. This was just me guessing where a slight pause would be good. Remember to have paragraphs at different lengths as variety helps make it interesting and not monotonous.


Keep Writing.
265
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Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

This is a cute little poem. I enjoyed reading it. The tone and purpose is simple and the message comes across easily. Doesn't seem too forced either.


Form:

No specific form that I know of. Not consistent in stanza structure.


Imagery:

Flowers usually make for good images. I like how it's a specific flower and not just generalized. The tulip is a great choice and a good image for the poem.


Favorite Part:

A woman and her daughter
Stared with mild dismay
Til the beauty of each tulip
Washed their frowns away


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Just my suggestions, nothing more.

I would recommend adding another line to the first stanza. It looks a little odd that the stanza is three lines where as all the others are four.

The punctuation at the very end is a little bit of a surprise. There isn't much else except some commas in the way of punctuation. That makes the exclamation seems a tad bit out of place.


nice poem
keep writing
266
266
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

The title gives a little too much away. It is nice but more of a description as opposed to an actual title.

Initial Reaction:

Wonderful. This is a great V-Day gift. The descriptions were beautifully written and I could almost taste the chocolate with the main character. Loved this story.


Character Development:

The main character was interesting and fun to read about as she explored the chocolates given to her. Well developed without forcing descriptions and character information. Someone that the reader can relate to on this chocolate driven holiday. Great job.



Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The only suggestion I have is that there seems to be a fair number of adverbs. It would be even better if half of them were converted to stronger words/sentences.

Either way it is an excellent piece of writing.

Great Job
Keep Writing
267
267
Review of The Bitter Rose  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

Nice title. It is beautiful without being over the top. The description helps as well.


Comments:

This was a different read. It had the semblence of the higher level type of poetry that some can write well and others cannot. Very interesting use of language.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

Follows a simple rhyme scheme. They all seem to work, at least from my viewpoint.


Imagery:

I love the imagery of the last stanza. The use of colors in the line and the other word choices are wonderful. It makes the poem enjoyable to read.


Favorite Part:

A beauty born of May’s new prime
In fields of Nature’s green sublime
Red face to greet blue’s morning light
Green leaves to catch Spring’s soft moonlight.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

The second and last stanza are the strongest of the poems, at least in my opinion. They are different in the language used than the other stanzas. It might be helpful to make it a little more uniform in that context. Not that there is anything wrong with the other stanzas, they just don't have the beautiful images of the second and last ones.


Nice Poem
Keep Writing
268
268
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Comments:

The concept is very nice. Colors have many different interpretations to them and the connection with emotions is one of the better ones. It's nice to see someone else using color in poetry.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

The rhymes are a little bit obvious, like the first two lines. But that works. Not all of poetry has to be the high brow, wonder type of rhyme schemes to be effective. It's simple and works.


Imagery:

The colors add to the images from the lines. Nice work.


Favorite Part:

Or the bright sun
To make the grass you run


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

To release plum from cage

This line is a little confusing. I try to visualize it and the images is kind of funny but not quite what I think you were going for.


Nice Poem
Keep Writing.
269
269
Review of The walk  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Initial Reaction:

Very different. Kind of wasn't sure what to expect as far as plot, the beginning didn't give much away.


Character Development:

The character does seem a little interesting. Might be someone that a reader could follow and want to read about but hard to tell from this little bit.


Plot:

The fight with the cat comes out of no where. There needs to be a little more hint or at least some type of action in the bits before and after to tie the story together. The beginning and end were a little bit boring, just the talk about first he did this and then that.


Ending:

Not as interesting as the cat fight. Need to pull it together and bring out the interest of the walk to the rest of the story.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

A couple of suggestions.

Then I realized I said breggs and asked nobody, perhaps the dog or one of the cats "Did I just say breggs?" So I got up, went to the bathroom.
This is a bit of an awkward sentence and I only think you need "breggs" stated once. The repetition isn't needed to make the sentence understandable.


If they have a fenced yard, why does the dog have to go out on a leash?


It hist and swiped at me like I scared it or something when I'm the one checking my pants.
"hist" probably should be spelled "hissed"

I scribbled my Hancocked on it and I bid them fare well and many happy days to come and walked out the door.



The paragraphs are a little blocky at this point. Most of them have similar lengths. Have some long and a couple shorts intermixed. That variety will make it easier on the reader's eyes.


Keep Writing.
270
270
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

Nice title. Nothing like doing homework at the last minute. *Wink*


Comments:

This is very interesting, sis. Were there any guidelines for the assignment or was it to just write a poem? Was this written in a kitchen? It's fun though. The end is good, it pulls the whole poem together. Without it they would just be random pairings.

fun

Favorite Part:

Love and Pain
Heartache and Chocolate
You and Her
Me and Myself
271
271
Review of Change  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

Nice and simple title. The description works well along side the title.


Comments:

Wonderful. I love the message that this poem is trying to put out into the world. This is great.


Rhythm/Rhyme:

No complaints about the rhyming in this one. The lines look to be in the right format, it doesn't seem out of synch at all. They are simple rhymes but I think that works for the poem. Good word choices.


Favorite Part:

If you want change,
Not just hollow insults hurled,
You should be the change
you want to see in the world


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Just minor suggestions.

Since you have other punctuation in this poem, might want to add a couple of periods. At least at the end of the first and third stanza.

"criticise" should be "criticize"


Great Poem
Keep Writing
272
272
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

Very nice poem. It is beautiful and doesn't give away the poem. The description is good as well.


Comments:

Absolutely wonderful. It is unique, dark, and well written.


Form:

This is a great form. Sometimes doing something like moving the lines can take away from the effectiveness of the poem, but not in this case. I think it keeps the reader moving as they read from one line to the next.


Imagery:

Excellent job at imagery. Can visualize each line.


Favorite Part:

The whole poem.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

No suggestions.



Wonderful Poem
Keep Writing
273
273
Review of Beautiful Thief  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

I like this title. It is nice, simple and works well with the poem. The description is also very useful.


Comments:

This poem has a different feel to it. When using phrases directed at the reader "you" it can be tough to pull off a really good poem. The reader it going to respond differently than one that didn't point out at them. I like what this poem represents. It is interesting to me.


Imagery:

Good imagery. Can visualize the stanzas and what the words are meant to depict.


Favorite Part:

Whatever you want from this take it.
I'll turn my back if it makes it easier...
What is now in your pocket used to beat within me,
but keep it please, returns are now used merchandise...


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

These are just some suggestions to consider.


Whatever you want from this take it.
Maybe change "this" to "me". I think it would make this poem a little stronger and make the line about the object that once beat inside of you easier to understand. It would pull the poem together even more.

yes I am guilty for your actions of theivery...
"theivery..." should be "thievery..."

Policy of the broken states I am to blame,
yes I am guilty for your actions of theivery...
Maybe I"ll find myself in a box at goodwill
long after the value has faded...
This stanza doesn't connect the same way that the other ones do. The first half and second half don't come off as being about the same thing. I like both, and they each have poetic value. But it makes this part of the poem a tad bit weak.


Whatever you want from this take it.
This is a good last line, but if you change the top one then I'd suggest changing this too and having "this" become "me".



Good poem.
Keep Writing.
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Review of Need Hope  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1395595 Unavailable **



Title:

This is a good title. It gives a message while preparing the reader for the poem.


Comments:

This poem definitely has potential. I'm not going to lie and say it's the greatest writing of all time. But it's not a bad poem either. It has good flow, some good word choices and there are some good lines. There is room for improvement and with an edit this poem could be rated even higher. The emotions are what pushes this poem and that is a nice way to write a poem.


Imagery:

The images and emotions from this poem are easy to see and understand.


Favorite Part:

Walking around emotionally crucified
While others are free to experience lifes fulfillment
Able to absorb the trust and safety love brings


Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Since you mentioned being open to suggestions for this poem, these are my ideas. You can follow whatever you feel like works for you and the poem.

Does god love us all the same
I think that "god" has to be "God" if it's a specific one then it is capitalized. Whereas generalized gods often is not.

So at night a lay awake wondering whats the point for my suffering.
Delete "So". Change "a" to "I" because I think that's what was intended. Finally, I would make it a new paragraph after the word "wondering"

Is this a test of my faith or a way to prove my love
Well love isn't proud and love does not boast
I would put these two lines into four. Make "or a way to prove my love" a new line and then get rid of the and and make "love does not boast" a new line.

Walking around emotionally crucified
This is fine, but something to consider... "an emotinal crucifix", just an idea.

While others are free to experience lifes fulfillment
one small detail, "lifes" needs to be "life's"

Is it possible that their angel gives them a sample of what heaven hold
this line is a little wordy and a tad bit confusing.

Not worthy even for a crumb of what that is like
add "mere" before crumb and take out "of what that is like"

Im getting more of a sample of what hell is like
change "of" to than, and delete "what" and "is like"

All of the "Im" needs an apostrophe, "I'm" since it is a combination of two words.

Im not gonna be standing in line leading thru the golden gates
I'd make "leading thru the golden gates" a new line. Maybe change "leading thru" to "waiting at" but that's not absolutely needed.


The last stanza is good. This poem ends well. I had a lot of suggestions because I really got into the poem and hope that this review helps.

Good job and keep writing.
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Review of How To Get Viewed  
Review by Dawn Embers
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great idea. Very useful and a good thing for newbies and old timers alike. It is set up in an easy to read format and the pointers aside from the description is helpful.

Number 1 is very amusing. How you say that creating an item is necessary but doesn't need to be stating it by actually stating it. *giggles*

There were a couple that stood out to me.
23. images. Good advice that they shouldn't use images that belong to someone else. However, the sentence about the dragon doesn't give the impression intended. To me, it sounds like if I have a picture of a dragon (it comes off as my own) that I shouldn't use it for my own. So, maybe a small bit of clarification would help.

Although it makes a good point. When you post in number 11 not to rate based on the image and then say you rate low because of an image that is a bit of a contradiction. Even though you are warranted in that rating it does come off a bit questionable.

14 needs an update. But it is an excellent point. Reviewing is good to promote.

Last - number 18 is great advice. I think that some get so caught up in the writing and worries that they forget how great it is to have friends in this huge writing community.

Nice piece or work. Good job.
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