Hi Quest,

Overall Impression: I felt the imagery in the poem was strong, but that the poem itself lacked rhythm. To me, with a couple minor adjustments, looks like it should be written in prose form, not poem form. Again, the imagery itself is strong imagery, but I'm not sure a poem is the right presentation for what's being described here.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Stanza 1, line 3: half- unsheathing [half-unsheathing] the hard outcrops. - Since all the other lines begin with caps, this one should as well. Additionally, there should not be a space when words are hyphenated.

Stanza 2, line 9: So near their hearts.. - If the sentence is meant to end with ellipsis, it should have 3 dots, not 2. If it's supposed to be a period, there's 1 dot too many.

Final Thoughts: Because of the nature of the poem, it seemed the description refers more to what will come, that what is. The young farmer does not know injustice. He is still happy where he is, unspoiled by civilization and it's potential hardships. Though it is evident it's only a matter of time, for now the young farmer is safe.

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Hi Ruwth,

Overall Impression: My first question to you is what inspired you to write about the O.J. trial close to a decade after the fact. It just seems a strange case to focus on so long after the fact. What's interesting about this essay is that it takes a strong stance without actually choosing a side. Most people are adamant that he either did or didn't kill his wife, whereas you don't make a claim either way. The importance of this article is clearly not whether O.J. is innocent or guilty, it's that nothing was resolved.

Final Thoughts: Sometimes in life there are things that simply don't get resolved. It's ufortunate, and that itself is an injustice. Well stated. If I were you, I would consider writing a longer article on justice vs injustice, without a specific reference to a case like O.J.'s. Make an article more about the concept than an individual.

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Hi Nancy,

Overall Impression: Ignoring for a moment my gripes with emphasis and ellipsis issues, which I'll mention below, I thought this was, for the most part, a strongly written piece. The fear you speak of concerning change in general, and in more specific instances such as shyness, unfamiliar settings, and the loss of family members, are all strongly transmitted. It is clear to me, that despite the fears you had (or have) you do not let them overwhelm you. You continue to travel and experience new things, so shyness or not, Sophy's newsletter or not, you are clearly capable of having the strength and faith to wrestle with the demons of Fear, Anxiety, and Worry.

Grammar and Mechanics: There are a number of grammatical issues that are damaging to this essay. While the content itself is fine, constantly seeing them over and over again make me cringe. For those who aren't familiar with ellipsis and emphasize rules, they probably won't find much to fault in this story. For me the issues are an eyesore. I think the content itself is good, but sometimes it's hard to see it when I see those other issues.

Emphasizing words - The preferred method of emphasizing a word is to write in italics, not caps. So unless you're shouting, write more in the first paragraph, change in the 2nd and 6th paragraphs, felt in the 8th paragraph, is in the 9th paragraph, and my and fear in the 10th paragraph.

Ellipses - Should never be more than 4 dots or less than 3 dots. There are 3-point ellipses and 4-point ellipses (although technically 4 point ellipses are actually a period and a set of 3-point ellipses). The omission of one or more paragraphs within a quotation is indicated by four ellipsis points. If the ellipsis follows an incomplete sentence within that quotation, than it is indicated by 3 ellipsis points.

Title: The Journey Of [of] Fear - Words like "of" are never capitalized in a title unless it is the first word in the title.

Paragraph 2: The word biblical should not begin with a capital B as it is neither a title nor the beginning of a sentence.

Paragraph 3: When I was younger - I had friendships with young Italian people who spoke [as] little English, as I spoke little Italian. One would think I would have been afraid of a new culture, language, food. But I hiked the hills in the Alps; I learned to ski in Cortina, Italy. I traveled to Venice, Florence. I went to my first opera in an open amphitheater (I've been told I saw La Boheme' in a very famous opera venue.) I traveled all through Europe, including Vienna, Austria, Spain, France, [and] London, England. After Italy, I moved to Germany for two more years. This was more culture shock[, b]ut I loved the language, the culture, the beer, the food, the rain. I traveled to Berlin (during the Communist rule), Hamburg, Munich, Frankfurt, and also England, and Holland.
The hiking doesn't really have much to do with being afraid of new culture, language, and food, so "But" doesn't make sense in the next sentence. For the most part I decided "and" was unnecessary at the end of your lists, seeing it as a stylistic thing; however, when you add London, England to the mix, you have to add "and", otherwise it sounds like London is a separate place from England as opposed to part of England. While there are times you can begin a sentence with a conjunction like but, do not do so if it clearly links to the previous sentence.

Paragraph 4: In college I had normal insecurity, but never experienced fear. After college, I feared CHANGE [change]. I drove from the Midwest to California (which was not too scary for me because my family was from California). But I had family in California. I began a career I loved, and with family and friends began a wonderful period of travel and discovering new goals. I traveled to many snow ski areas, including the powder in the mountains of Utah, Heavenly Valley in Lake Tahoe, [and] Denver, Colorado.
Again, while there is nothing wrong with beginning a sentence with a conjunction, you have to know when and how to do so. "But" is something called a adversative conjunction, and can be unclear at the start of a sentence. If "and" can be substituted, "but" is probably the wrong word word to use. The sentence to me just seems tossed in to show your family is from Cali, but the way it's placed doesn't sound right. The sentence I put in parenthesis (or rounded brackets) seems to be the message you're trying to tell. Use parenthesis around it to set it off from the rest of the sentence. Finally, the "and" before Denver, Colorado is crucial in that last sentence, so it doesn't sound like you're listing Denver as a separate place from Colorado.

Paragraph 5: There is fear when you push yourself and ski black diamond trails[,] but when you are exhausted at the end of the day, you feel accomplishment. And there [There] is no trading the joy of standing at the peak of a mountain, alone. It is truly a spiritual joy. And racing to get to the bottom of a mountain when the snow is falling and falling, and you have been told there is danger from a storm [is exhilarating].
A semi-colon should be used as a weak period, not a strong comma. I'm starting to see "and and and". While it's ok to begin a sentence with "and", if there's an "and" repetition, minimize the occurrences by changing how your sentences begin. The last paragraph sounded incomplete, so I added "is exhilarating" based on the experiences you were conveying.

Paragraph 6: The fear that bothered me the most for years in my life was CHANGE [change]. Perhaps it was sadness or extreme anxiety, rather than fear. I resisted change as long as possible - but learned many lessons about the inevitability of change. I felt I would lose a comfortable place, where I belonged somehow. Friends were never permanent in the military. Folks moved every 6 months. So later I resisted my friends moving[;] I resisted graduating from college. I feared CHANGE [change].
Either add the word "and" or change the comma to a semi-colon in the second to last sentence. While leaving out "and" as being implied by a comma in a list can be considered a stylistic thing, do not do so when linking what would otherwise be two separate sentences.

Paragraph 7: Older - "To you my brothers and sisters, I confess to what I have done, and to what I have failed to do....."
Since this is ending a quotation mid-sentence, there are only 3 ellipsis points, not 4, and never 5 or more under any circumstance. (Barring one situational exception in poetry and verse drama, which is irrelevant here.)

Paragraph 8: My fear comes from: "all [All] I have failed to do". It is a heavy burden on my heart. I do not fear death, I have been at the bedside of my Mother [mother] and sister when their spirits passed on. I FELT felt [those] angels, [their] spirits[,] and felt their souls, their presence move from a living body to a spiritual joyfulness. I felt joy for them. However, I fear if, in death I will be worthy to see Jesus, to have a place in His Father's Mansion. [However, I fear that when I die, I will not be worthy to see Jesus and have a place in His Father's Mansion.] - I felt this paragraph was poorly phrased, particularly the last sentence, so I have included my suggestions (in brackets) on what I think you meant to say.

Paragraph 9: What has helped me IS [is] Faith. Without Faith, we might as well admit life is a sham. "Do not be afraid"...........Jesus, The Blessed Mother, Angels sent to Joseph and Mary.....these words were spoken each time. Jesus assured his Apostles after his resurrection, not be have fear - Jesus said, "I will be with you until the end of time..". Over and over, He comforted those who had Faith. "Your faith has saved you....". I also read The [the] Psalms[.] I [can] open to any page and read poems praising God, asking for mercy, declaring confidence and faith in God's promises. And when I pray at night, I ask the Lord......."Oh Lord, please take away my anxiety and despair, remove any fear, and come into my heart to restore my faith. Thank you for this day, and all the days of my life..."
Do not use more than 3 ellipsis points unless you are omitting 1 or more paragraphs in a quotation; In which case, you would only use 4, never more. Do not include a period after the end quote of a sentence ending with ellipses. "Jesus, The Blessed Mother, Angels sent to Joseph and Mary" - is this part of the quotation or your addition. I'm not sure how to edit this one without knowing what exactly it is. If it's part of a quote, it's missing quotations. If yo're saying it, then it's phrased oddly.

Final Thoughts: An essay like this should receive a higher rating than I am giving it. While I think this is strongly written and succeeds in communicating your thoughts, the reason I don't rate it higher is that the issues I found make it come across as if it's written in a sloppy manner. Always make sure you are using things (like ellipsis) correctly. Let me know when the corrections are made. As soon as I see those revisions, I will gladly raise my rating.

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Hey Highmage,

Overall Impression: I wish you had set this to review only. While it makes sense to review a piece like this to see if you're getting your message across, it doesn't seem appropriate to rate something that is meant to introduce what you're writing as opposed to being its own separate written piece.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 1: I love reading books and, well, re-reading favorite books. I’ve loved reading those stories again and again, but a few years ago it occurred to me that in a digital age, why would [can't] my favorite book [books] never evolve further?
I see instances cropping up more and more where people use a comma after a conjunction. I don't know what the grammatical ruling is, but until I learn otherwise, I'd avoid doing so whenever possible. I'm not going to mark it as grammatically incorrect, because I don't know if it is or not, so I'll just underline it and say I'd consider clipping it. I also think a rephrasing of the last sentence would make it a bit clearer.

Final Thoughts: I've been intending to do review work on Highmage's Plight for a while now, but I sort of hit the wall concerning reviewing, and slowed down big time. I'm trying to get back in to it, and I hope to successfully review your story, as I should have done weeks ago, sooner vs later. Conceptually, the premise for an ever changing story sounds like a cool concept. Curious to see where this project goes.

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Hi Humorous_Sage, this will be my 4th review for March's St. Patrick's Day raid.

Overall Impression: This is a simple, straightforward work of poetry, speaking of the merits of Saint Patrick and the holiday named for him. I can't find any faults with this poem. I was not familiar with this particular story/myth/legend, so I had to look it up. The snake he chased apparently represents pagans he chased out of Ireland. Although he wasn't chasing out pagans either; he was converting them. He wasn't even Irish. Turns out he was born in Britain. The history behind the entire chasing of snakes is interests. I haven't had the opportunity to do so yet, but here's the whole article on National Geographic:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/03/09...

Final Thoughts: There was nothing exceptional about this poem that I noticed, but it was well written and without error. It was a good natured poem, which intentional or not led me to learn more about the origins of St. Patrick.

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Hi Emilie, this is my second review for this months St. Patrick's Day raid. Hope you find this useful and insightful.

Overall Impression: Initially I thought Selkies were the Irish equivalent of sirens. Reading further on, it's obvious they're an entirely different breed altogether. I'm a lot more versed in Greco-Roman mythology, so I don't know very much about Celic myth. I may have to pick up a book or two and see what there is to know. This tale is interesting because of it's unique mix of happiness and sadness. What what I've read, it seems that young men steal the Selkies skins to keep them as wives, whereas the father mentions in this story was sought out by his Selkie wife. She chose him. It seems at first that this was the exception to the rule, that this time a Selkie would stay with her husband. While it's sad that the ocean's call was too strong, the happiness is there in the lives they led, and their eventual return to their home in the sea. Though the husband would obviously not want to lose his family, there was the understanding that his wife and daughters they had to return to the sea to be happy.

Areas of Improvement: Layout - The 1st paragraph is indented, and the 2nd paragraph has a smaller indent, while the rest has no indentation at all. When indenting, be consistent. If you don't want to indent this story, put a space in between each of the paragraphs, otherwise the visual presentation is poor. You should also use the justify feature so the text has a even spread across the page, giving it a crisp clean look.

Grammar and Mechanics: Make sure "Selkie" or "Selkies" begins with an uppercase "S".
Semi-colons - If the text after a semi-colon cannot begin a new sentence, it is being used incorrectly. When joining what could otherwise be two separate sentences, the two parts must be linked by a semi-colon (not a comma). It is used to show a closer relationship between two sentences than a period would provide. Treat a semicolon as if it were a weak period, not a strong comma. Do not use a semicolon where you would not use a period.

Paragraph 3: Frequently the selkies [Selkies] would wander from their mortal homes to the sea cliffs to sing their melancholy songs. When their fishermen husbands are lost upon the sea, they will sing from the cliffs to guide them home. But soon the call of the sea would begin to become too  much for them to deny. After some time the selkie would bear children, and after they had come of age, she would make them retrieve the skin their father had hidden from her and with it, return to the sea, taking her children with her, and leaving her husband weeping bitterly at the loss of his beautiful bride. [After some time the Selkie would bear children. When the children came of age, she would have them retrieve the skin their father had hidden from her. Once the skin was retrieved the Selkie would take her children and return to the sea, leaving her husband weeping bitterly at the loss of his beautiful bride.] - That last sentence is a run-on that needs to be broken down. I've place what I think to be a good solution to breaking down the run-on sentence in brackets. Also, probably a formatting issues, but there's an extra space between "too" and "much".

Paragraph 4: My sisters - All with [We all had] long black hair rippling down our backs like waves upon the sea, with eyes the colour of pure water, which reflected the wildness of the ocean , and complexions as pale as the face of the moon on a clear Midsummer's night.
Take the sentence to its completion, and regardless of the length, it is an incomplete sentence if those first few words aren't changed. There is also an unnecessary space between "ocean" and the comma following it (likely do to formatting issues).

Paragraph 6: Had she not the same watery eyes of the selkies, they would protest, the same alluring beauty of all seal-women? - Why is this it's own separate paragraph?

Paragraph 7: Sometimes I wondered if it was all true. Sure enough, I would catch her gazing out towards that long road down to the sea with a certain longing in her eyes that tugged at my heart[. I'd] catch her singing her melancholy melodies of the sea, beckoning the waves upon the shore, calling the selkies to her. - See semi-colons. You should also begin the sentence that would come after the now removed semi-colon with "I'd" or "I would".

Paragraph 9: I could hear her soft voice whispering through the folds of fog. She was summoning the selkies to her[,] singing to her lost family, telling them to come and greet her, for she was returning to them. - See semi-colons.

Paragraph 10: Suddenly, her voice began to fade and I could no longer hear her footsteps ahead of me. When I made it to the shore, my mother was no where [nowhere] in sight. Her clothes were piled neatly by water, where the water lapped up against the sand. I gazed out towards the rocks, where small waves were gentley [gently] splashing against them, but even with the pale light of the moon shedding its angelic glow upon the earth, I could see no one. - The word "nowhere" is one word, not two.

Paragraph 13: There was a light sheen of fog covering the narrow path to the shoreline. Once again I traveled the pebbled road down to the sea, as I had done so many times before[, b]ut this time it felt different. The sea was whispering. I could hear its ghostly voice through every wave that tumbled onto the sand; in each roar of thunder; in each clash of lightening [lightning] that brightened the night sky. - Though the trend towards beginning sentences with conjunctions like "and" or "but" has become excepted, try not to begin sentences that way, especially when that conjunction neatly links it to the previous sentence.

Paragraph 15: Out - In the morning our father would awake to find himself alone[, b]ut we had to leave. No longer could we supress who we were. He would know where to find us. Although he would think that he had lost us to the sea, we would always be there, watching over him. My sisters took my hands. I turned to face out towards the water. The wind seemed to grow [felt] stronger. - Same reasoning as the previous commentary concerning conjunctions for "but". Try to avoid using "seemed". Either the wind grew stronger or it didn't. If it's not a certainty, than say the wind felt stronger.

Final Thoughts: Not being familiar with Selkie, I got a lot of this story because I was introduced to what for me is new mythology. It is an interesting and magical tale, and I can see what the draw to this sort of story would be. I'm glad I took the time to read this.

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Hi Paddy, the WDC Power Reviewers Group has called for a raid for St. Patrick's Day. The raid will be taking place this whole month. I saw this story listed in the story choices, so I figured I'd take a look. Here goes.

Overall Impression: What was interesting about the piece, is that the description is written in a way in which the story seems like it might actually have been written in 1900. This is not one of those trashy romance tales which is more smut than romantic. Here is a fresh and genuine tell of two young people falling in love. This sort of tale can be told in any setting, but the Irish background, gave the tale a little extra something, making it feel more genuine as opposed to other generic tales of love. Wee Davy's stature, though not necessary to the tale itself is necessary because it is important in his relation to his family and the other characters in the story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Title/Description: A short love story set in rural Ireland around 1900[.] - Make sure to include punctuation for descriptions.

Add a space between the title in the body of the story and the first paragraph.

Paragraph 2: Why was he called Wee Davy? Well, that’s any ones guess[;] his parents[,] and six brothers and sisters all struggled to reach five-foot-six. Some say it started when his Auntie Mary first saw him in the family box cradle by the turf fire. She lifted the matted knitted blanket and exclaimed “Would you look at wee Davy! Isn’t he a dout[.]” His three and five-year-old brothers took this up as children do and ran around mimicking “Would you look at wee Davy! Isn’t he a dout – would you look at wee Davy! Isn’t he a dout[.]”
"His parents" would start a new sentence without a semi-colon. A semi-colon links two closely related sentences, which is something a comma cannot do. Lose the "and" after his parents and replace it with a comma to give the sentence better flow, and always remember to punctuate the end of dialogue of a statement in quotations.

Paragraph 3, part 1 & 2:
Davy left school at 13, not because he wanted to. In fact the teacher was all for writing to apply for a scholarship to the big school in Limerick, but his Father Pat put his foot down. “ No, he’s needed around the house and to help work the land[.]” And that was that.
There's an unnecessary space between the opening quotation and "no", probably do to formatting issues. Always double check for odd spacing. When ending dialogue, include ending punctuation. Also, the sentence I underlined should not be on a separate line.

Paragraph 3, part 3:
Davy could read and write and recite the twelve times twelve tables, not that there was a big need for multiplication round the cottage. He had read and enjoyed the few books in what the school called a library –[ ]Charles Dickens and Walter Scott mostly. He had found the Complete Works of William Shakespeare hard to understand. It had been donated by a well meaning local clergyman before going to become a missionary in Africa. [A well meaning local clergyman had donated it before leaving to Africa to to become a missionary.] Sometimes he would get word to come to the widow Gallagher’s cottage to read a letter she had received from her son Willy in Chicago, Illinois. He loved hearing about America. Just [O]ccasionally Willy would send a copy of the Chicago Herald Tribune and Davy would borrow it and devour every word.
There should be a space between the dash and "Charles Dickens". I crossed out one of the sentences and suggested a rephrasing because the original phrasing was awkward. There's no need to write "Just". This entire paragraph should also begin a new paragraph, so add a space between this and the previous one.

Paragraph 4: He just had - One pocket of his jacket was torn off[;] it had no buttons and it was tied round with a piece of fishing rope he found on the beach. The knees of his trousers had big patches and the stiffening had broken through the cloth on the peek of his cap. The only new thing he ever had was a pair [of] hob nailed boots. He was so proud of those boots[, that] as soon as he got them[,] he bought a tin of black boot polish from the co-op and cleaned them every week as sure as clockwork.
Use a semi-colon in the first sentence above as a comma is not strong enough punctuation to link to closely related sentences and be careful not to leave out minor yet necessary words. The two commas in the last sentence are necessary because of something called commas that come in pairs. This refers to putting commas around the nonessential part of the sentence (in the middle), or the part that could be removed without taking away the basic meaning of the sentence.

Paragraph 5: He was just - He had a gift for knowing how to fix things or at least how to make do and mend for [the] very few in the village could afford anything new.
The word "the", though seemingly unimportant, is necessary for this sentence to sound correct.

Paragraph 6: You sort of knew - Anytime you asked he would give a wee smile and mutter[,] “[W]e’ll see about that[.]”
In this instance, the punctuation is used in the same way it would be for dialogue.

Paragraph 11: He found - He told her all he had read about America in widow Gallagher’s newspapers - the jobs[ ]- the railways, the building work – the opportunities – the big money.
Make sure there is a space after "jobs", so it's consistent with the other uses of dashes.

Paragraph 12: And so, dear friends, when a boy and girl who really truly love each other make a life-changing pact – somehow they overcome all obstacles - and make it come true. And they did.
"And they did" is a weak way to end the story. I suggest either cutting it out or replacing it with something like "Which is just what young Davy and Mary did." If you choose to keep a line like it, make sure it continues on the same line.

Final Thoughts: This was well told. I only wish there were less issues with punctuation. Go back and clean up the punctuation, layout, and that one awkward sentence and this will be a better tale for it.

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Hi Madlyn,

Overall Impression: I didn't see a lot of action going on, but considering the title of this story, having it being based more on thought vs action does make sense. Based on ending of the story, this was more of an implied ghost story than an actual ghost story, as there was no direct evidence of there bring a ghost. The implication is that the narrator died and is the ghost of Ethel. That is why she is drawn to the grave, that is why the people at the cemetery look familiar to her and don't acknowledge her, and that is why the white roses (which are her favorite) are placed at the grave. When the narrator speaks of the interactions with her family, if the assumption is made that she is a ghost, those are likely memories and not actually happening. Her movements at the cemetery are her only actual moments of her reality.

Areas of Improvement: This story bills itself as a ghost story and doesn't quite follow through. All there is is implication. If the narrator is not a ghost, than this is not a ghost story. If this is a ghost, don't be afraid to follow through and make it clear to the reader. Reveal in some way that the narrator is actually a ghost, and not some woman who hangs out in a quiet cemetery to contemplate her thoughts.

This last bit is more of an aesthetic issue: correctly center "Contemplation" as it sits off center on the page. Digital medium should try to resemble written medium; if this was in print, you would make sure the title was correctly centered.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 7: There is another grave - Sometimes I pretend she had a large family like me, and when I let things get to me, I think to my self [myself], what would Ethel May do?
I don't know if there's a hard and fast rule that "my self" is incorrect, but the common usage is to write it as one word.

Paragraph 9: Two men - I was too far away to hear what they were saying, but eventually the driver of the second car got out, but [and] she didn’t look at all happy about being here.
Using "but" to link the three parts of the sentence just doesn't sound right. I think "and" would work better in place of the second "but".

Paragraph 10: They began walking down the path in my direction and so rather than appearing to be lurking in a cemetery, I stepped out from behind the tree and resumed my walk.
The words "and" and "so" are both conjunctions. Whenever possible, avoid using a double conjunction.

Final Thoughts: This story has potential, but because the premise of the ghost story is left as implied, the story feels underdeveloped. Decide if you really want this to be a ghost story. If yes, make sure this is a real ghost story and not an implied one. If no, chose a different subtitle/description. Implied ending can work well given the right situation, but that happens when it's there's a stronger ending. Here it's just a little too subtle for it to work. Hope this review helps.

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Hi Eskay,

Overall Impression: I felt like there was a slight hiccup between the first and second lines, but not enough to damage the overall poem. What I saw here was a wealth and consistency of imagery. The first stanza encapsulates images of shadows and darkness. The visualization of embers and sparks remaining unseen was a great contrast. Tormented, twisting, troubled: great alliteration. From the question of time to the exploration of character and one it means be who we are, is well thought out and presented. The strength of the rock contrasted with something as brittle as chalk was an interesting end point. Strength and weakness, darkness and light, all the contrasting images make this poem stand out.

Final Thoughts: I have no suggestions for improvement. This was done well. Remember to keep to this standard when writing all your poems.

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Hi eskay,

Overall Impression: I felt this started off strong, but the phrasing got awkward halfway through the first stanza. While I always believe it's important to tell a story in poetry, this felt a bit forced. The rhythm just wan't there. The moment I read "to hold back men", I cringed a little. The words are fine, but they just don't fit well. I don't know enough about poetry to give specifics, but I will say this: conceptually, you know the story you want to tell, but it's not being told right. Ask yourself 'what can I do to make this sound right'.

Final Thoughts: Wish I could be more specific on what to do to improve this. Hope this helped.

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Hey Eskay, I see it's been a while since I've reviewed your work, so here goes.

Overall Impression: What I found cool about this poem (yes I'm aware "cool" isn't exactly intellectual) is that it's written--at least initially--as if it's for a lover. The images of being breathless, gathered in its arms, and the references to both beloved and charms gives this the feel of a love poem. It's in the second stanza that the changeover occurs. Though it's evident it's no longer a lover, there's still that sense of seeking comfort. The third stanza shows the narrator to be someone who is in pain and looking for comfort even if it means no longer experiencing any sensation. In the end, it is escape that matters. Better to know nothing than to live in pain. Each stanza builds upon the next. This was well constructed in the wording, and more importantly the progression of the poem.

Favorite Line(s): Ah, smother me breathless - I'm honestly not sure why I like it, but something about it calls out to me.

Grammar and Mechanics: The advantage of the poem is that you can get away with punctuation that wouldn't work in other writing. Nothing to fix.

Final Thoughts: I can't really give an in depth review based on what is typically expected in poetry, as I don't have a background in poetry, but these are the thoughts I have come up with. A good poem does more than use rhythm and rhyme. It's more than just pretty words. A good poem tells a story. You clearly succeed in doing so.

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Hi Sorcha,

Overall Impression: This is an interesting story in that it's based on a simple interaction and it works. The hint of the husband that he intentionally did something to make sure they wouldn't have children shows he clearly did things to make sure it wouldn't happen. His entire demeanor: the way he acts and speaks, implies he believes himself to be entirely in control of the situation. There is no evidence that there will be a power shift in their relationship anytime soon. He basically tells her she can have her little fit this time, but he's the one in charge and things are going to happen the way he sees fit.

Grammar and Mechanics: The grammatical issues are minor, but should still be corrected.
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the word beginning dialogue (before or after a comma) is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name) if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.
Semi-colons - When joining what could otherwise be two separate sentences, the two parts must be linked by a semi-colon. While it's true that a comma can be used as a stand-in for the word "and", you would still have to write, ", and", to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences. It is used to show a closer relationship between two sentences than a period would provide. Do not capitalize any words after a semi-colon (unless it's a proper name).

Paragraph 1: He drank his coffee[;] he preferred it black. He looked up from reading the paper to his wife, and smiled. Her gray eyes met his dark brown[;] she frowned.

Paragraph 9: Outside Longing filled her eyes [and] anger seized her heart. It was unfair[;] she'd taken all the necessary steps.
Neither one of these sentences work right with a comma. The first sentence should be a single sentence connected with the word "and". The second sentence are actually two closely related sentences and should therefore be connected with a semi-colon.

Paragraph 10: "No use crying over what you can't have. You shouldn't dwell on it[,]" [h]e said.
Paragraph 11: "It's not fair, Robert. We tried so hard[,]" [s]he said in a small voice.
Paragraph 12:"YOU tried hard. I didn't[,]" [h]e mumbled,
See punctuation for dialogue for all 3 lines.

Paragraph 14: "I've never wanted children[;] never planned on having them."
Use a semi-colon to connect two closely related sentences.

Final Thoughts: It's a nice short work. I prefer a story with a bit more action, but this is good for what it is.

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Hi Elemenopy,

Overall Impression: This was an incredibly powerful piece focusing on life and death, and the necessity of moving on (not just for those that are living, but for those that are no longer with us). The fog was a fantastic title for this. It gave nothing away, yet it was very much appropriate. The similarity of the losses of the narrator and Emily, and Cassidy and her father are so strikely similar, it's hard to forget it was two separate encounters. The connection of the 3 mysterious men (possibly the same three men) makes it even sadder. Even as they move on, those 3 man remain to cause more harm. Perhaps that is why Cassidy is so well suited for helping the narrator move on. It's as if Cassidy needed to remain behind so that the narrator would realize he was no longer among the living, and would be able to rejoin Emily. The tragedy of Cassidy and her father is just as heartbreaking as the narrator and Emily.

Favorite Line(s): “Do not forget me, my love, for I will be with you soon.” And a tear rolled down her cheek. - The implication here is that even with the help of Emily, the narrator hasn't quite moved on yet. He can see out of the fog, but he hasn't quite let go of the world yet. I think it's safe to say that even if he hasn't moved on yet, it's only a matter of time.

Grammar and Mechanics: Minor, but important fixes.
Paragraph 7: “Do not forget me, my love, for I will be with you soon[,]” I said as I pushed back the tears.
Use a comma between dialogue and direct speech.

Paragraph 26: I was new, you see, and had spent months wandering about the town[,] all the while hoping that the curious stares and unwelcome frowns would end. - I think a comma is needed here.

Paragraph 29: “Sometimes, I wonder if what I see when I think of her is not who she really was. [It's a]s if I have morphed her into an image of what she means to me[:] the way people imagine angels, the way people imagine God.” - I think a colon would work better here.

Paragraph 42: I followed her - The entire room was somber[,] as if a great something had taken place.
This should be separated by a comma, as this a semi-colon should be used to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences.

Paragraph 45: “I looked into his eyes and said, ‘[B]ut papa, what about mother?’ He smiled a sad smile, ‘[S]he will be with us soon, that I promise,’ and hand in hand I walked with him. - Always begin dialogue with uppercase letters, even if it's recalled dialogue.

Final Thoughts: This was an amazing piece; I wish I had read this sooner. Even without the accompanying imagery which was done phenomenally, this was still an amazing story.

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Hi Elemenopy,

Overall Impression: This was incredibly well written. Finding not a single error, I had to cut out the improvement and grammar sections of this review. For such a short piece, this had a surprising amount of depth. What was unique about this piece was how you used the title and description as part of the story itself. It was used so well in fact, that without mentioning the tear in the body of the story, it was clear what you were talking about. Your grasp for language is exceptional. True, the tear is a simple often overlooked thing, but it's hard to overlook it when you describe it so well. This is well done; prose at its finest. I'm glad I decided to stop by and read more of your work.

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Hey Corey,

Overall Impression: This was done really well, though I don't agree with the categorization. If anything, this would be scifi, not fantasy. What I liked about this story was the whole chaotic nature of it. The Anteaters appear out of nowhere and wreak havoc. It's clear the people have dealt with Anteaters before, or at the very least know of them enough so that a woman knew to scream out the warning of Anteater, and an old man armed himself to fight back. Not quite explained is why the children have zero reaction to the Anteaters. Using the song "The Ants come Marching" really was a clever approach. It's surprising how much depth something like that can add to a story.

Areas of Improvement: There's a lack of explanation as I said earlier. Why are the children so unconcerned with the Anteaters? Why are the Anteaters so intent on killing the townspeople? Obviously an entire backstory isn't expected, but there should be some explanation as to the motivations of the Anteaters and why the children are so apathetic.

Grammar and Mechanics: A couple issues with punctuation and awkward phrasing.
Paragraph 1: Three little girls - There were other children, too[,] playing close to where their parents could see[:] building blocks, playing in the dirt with army men, or riding on tricycles while their parents watched for the men in masks.
The first two parts work better with a comma, as it should really be one sentence. I suggest a colon instead of the second colon, because a colon is used more to emphacize the connection between the two parts vs simply showing a close relationship.

Paragraph 5: All the men - The neighborhood was swarmed with men in black masks, with long tubes connecting from the mouthpiece[s] of their masks to an oxygen tank[s] on their backs. They carried guns: rifles, shotguns, pistols[,] as well as flamethrowers, which one was using to scorch the screaming woman’s house.
The phrasing is a little awkward. This should say mouthpieces and oxygen tanks, otherwise the Anteaters would be sharing a single mouthpiece and tank.

Paragraph 10: More people ran - A young man came running close by, with an Anteater trailing quickly behind him; a knife gleaming in the afternoon sun.
I'm assuming the Anteater has the knife, but this isn't clear from the sentence. Try to find a way to rephrase this.

Paragraph 12: The old man fell in the freshly cut grass[,] half his jaw blown off by a nearby rifle shot.
Either separate the two parts of a sentence with a comma, or add the word was between jaw and blown.

Paragraph 13: As the surviving people scattered across the distant country side, one of the Anteaters pulled a device out of his overcoat pocket. - Write countryside as one word.

One boy was tossing around [tossed] his baseball casually at his dad, who was on his back with half his face burnt and bullet holes pasted to his chest.
He can't toss the ball around if his father isn't tossing it back, so tossed makes more sense.


“The ants come marching one by one, and the little one stops to cock his gun...”
“...and they all come marching down to the ground...”
“...to get out of the rain,” sang the girls.
I isolated these lines because they really all lead into one another. Ellipses in this instance would be used as connectors between these 3 lines.

Final Thoughts: This is a strongly written story. There's a lot of action and graphic violence, and this is done so was very strong imagery. What's missing from this story is why. Why is this happening, and for what reason? This is good, but it could be better.

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Hey Corey,

Overall Impression: Very creepy. This actually reminded me of your story The Little Girl. In fact if the girl in this story had been younger, and the photographer older, this could have been a prequel. This wasn't quite as good as your other story, but it was still really good. The revelation that the boogie monster in the form of Mr. Smiley was based on a real person took this story up a notch. As a reader, I can't help but feel for this girl. Discovering her nightmares were based on her molestation as a child made that level of empathy much stronger. When Mr. Smiley brings his torture to the next level, and the girl finally stands up for herself, there's that moment of hope. This is unfortunately squashed as he simply drags her further into the nightmare, possibly into death. The was no other way to end this story. If the girl had overcome Smiley, this would not have been as good a story. It's important to know when not to force a happy or somewhat happy ending. You've succeeded in doing just that.

Style and Voice: The Nightmare become real. For a moment I thought the real photographer had found her. That actually worked in your favor. The brief thought and return to the bogie man worked best. The real figure in this instance would not have been as terrifying.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Indentations: Make sure to indent all your paragraphs. There are 3 paragraphs, including the first that haven't been indented, and nothing after and including "12:00" have been indented. Be consistent.
Ellipses: Should look like this "X . . . X". Keeps spaces on both sides of the ellipses when it's being using in the middle of a sentence, and between each individual dot.
Semi-colons are needed to show a close relationship between what would otherwise have to be two sentences.

Paragraph 2: Midnight - That hour is his, like a horde of locust[s] swarming over the horizon, he presents himself to me.
An "s" is needed, otherwise the horde is one locust.

Paragraph 3: Oh my pretty little - He leaned in closer, his eyes blazed with excitement.
3 possible solutions. 1: Use a semi-colon. 2: separate the 2 halves of the sentence with the word "and". 3: Change blazed to blazing.

Paragraph 7: I can never sleep - As the rain trickled down his face, the hideous smile never deceased as he rasped on the glass with his long, jagged nails; his smile grew wider with every tap as the lightning laminated his face.
It looks like you're trying to show the duel image of Mr. Smiley's smile never stopping (ceasing) and never dying. It doesn't quite work and ends up sounding odd. Either go with "ceased" or "died".

Paragraph 10: That same day - He grinned slyly at me[;] his grip was tight. - See semi-colons.

Paragraph 19: That’s all It has to stop[;] it has to end. - See semi-colons.

Paragraph 21: I clawed I stand beside my bed, the blankets are gone. - See semi-colons.

Final Thoughts: Really good stuff. You do creepy stories well.

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Hi dblameck,

Overall Impression: I liked the title and the description sounded promising. The imagery was done very well, as was the description of the crouching man's exploration of the corridor. What I didn't like was the abrupt end. The story felt like it was building up, only to have its own character killed off too soon. There's no opportunity to really see that it's a world with every man for himself. In fact there's not really much to indicate it's a futuristic world. To put it simply, this is a great start for a story but that's it. You just to killing off your character way too soon. Where's the confrontation, the evidence of future tech, and all the action. Judging by the description and the set up, this had potential to be something really good, but the ending got clipped with the crouching man. Either delay his death and have events play out a bit, or continue the story with whoever (whomever?) it was that killed him.

Areas of Improvement: As I said in my impression, this ends to abruptly. Give this story a chance to grow.

Grammar and Mechanics: Very minor issues. They all seemed to be things you'd probably catch on your own if you did one more read through.
Paragraph 1: The water dripped form the ceiling of the corridor to the puddles on the tile floor making sounds like rain which were intensified my [by] the hollowness.

Paragraph 5: He crouched - It was safe for there was no threat in sight.. The temperature here was much lower here than above in the oppressive heat caused by the glaring sun. Somebody had told [him] that the ozone layer had been destroyed by the war.
If you're using ellipses, it's three dots. If it was an unintentional double period, obviously it's only one. Missing the word "him".

Paragraph 7: Wait - Those were his last thought[s]. - Missing "s", this should read "last thoughts".

Final Thoughts: Expand, expand, expand. Let's see some of what actually happens when it's every man for himself. Show, don't tell.

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Hi Complexity,

Overall Impression: What's good? I was impressed that you were able to throw in a twist ending so smoothly in a 4 line, 55 word story. It's tough to pull that off, but it seemed natural the way you did so. What's not so good? Quite simply, it might just be an issue of this story being too short. There's no rush to this story. It just happens.

Areas of Improvement: If you're keeping the length this short, I can only think of one suggestion. Instead of having James just look around, with a few more words, you could have had James crawling out of his wreaked ship. He could have been bleeding, coughing from the smoke pouring out of the wreckage, before looking out and seeing the familiar image of a tall pyramid and a strange half man half lion statue. That little bit would have added more impact and made this story stronger.

Final Thoughts: Make sure that when you are this brief in a story, to add enough detail to give the story a little extra kick.

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Hi Complexity,

Overall Impression: This came across as the typical "don't push that button" story. Naturally when someone is told don't touch that or don't open that, curiosity gets the better of them and they do it anyway. And of course the result is always something bad happening. It was told well, but while there was no way of knowing exactly what would happen if the narrator touched the object, knowing something bad would happen was predictable. It didn't have a good twist ending like the vast majority of your shorts have.

Grammar and Mechanics:
“Careful, now! Didn’t you just hear me? That’s very powerful. You don’t know the severity of what you almost did. Why, we could have been vaporised, or hit with a meteorite, or--”
When using a dash to indicate an abrupt halt in speech or indicating dialogue being suddenly cut off, use the long dash, not the short dash.

Final Thoughts: This is good for what it is, but it's not your best work. Keep the twist ending coming.

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Hi Complexity, been a while since I've reviewed one of your stories.

Overall Impression: You have a talent for writing very short and quick stories. It's hard to tell a story in such few words, but here you've succeeded once again. Great twist ending. I tried anticipating it, but went in the wrong direction. I was expecting George, in response to the call, walking out of the house as the vampire. I would have preferred if the story had a little more time to develop, but this was still good considering the brevity of the story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 2: He examined it [the man] more closely - "It" sounds like you're referring to the house; write "the man" instead.

Paragraph 3: “George! Meet me at the Haunted House ASAP[;] I’ve seen a vampire!” A semi-colon should be used in what would otherwise have to be two separate sentences.

Final Thoughts: Keep up the good work, and keep those ending twisted.

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Hi Madlyn,

Overall Impression: Not quite a twist ending as I anticipated the dead baby, but a strong ending nonetheless. Faced with no future for her child, the mother chose what she believed to be the lesser of two evils. Better to take the child's life than to let the Tengal have it. While the mother succeeds, the lost is more than just the life of the child. It is clear by her actions, that with the life of the child, so went her sanity. She cradles its body, because her mind is broken. Sacrifices is a great title. It reflects the many sacrifices both the villages have to go through, and this one specific character. The mother: for her child and her sanity; the villages: for their children and their freedom. The morality question of course here is whether the price of their children is worth paying.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 15: He laughed - He grabbed me by the throat and lifted me slightly off the ground.
Avoid using adverbs when they don't add anything to a sentence. "Lifted me off the ground" is a far stronger image than "lifted me slightly off the ground".

Final Thoughts: Very well told. Nothing I can really recommend that would improve this story. Keep up the good work.

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Hi Kitty,

Overall Impression: This was unique because it started off as if it was a fantasy story. Reading through the story, it sounded like Bre was facing some sort of hungry witch or monster. At the close of the story, when it's revealed to be modern times, and that Wind is the wind of a tornado, it gives the story new depth. Yes it is an act of nature, but one so horrific and destructive, it's easy to see it as a monstrous beast of fantasy. Overall, well told.

Grammar and Mechanics: If all of the sentences using ellipses, they all come across as breaks in the middle of a sentence. If so, it should be three dots, not four. While it's still not done so by some publishers, most style guides agree that there should be spaces not only on both sides of the ellipses, but in between each dot the ellipses are comprised of.
She was a cruel mistress, eating everything in sight . . . everything until it was all gone and there was nothing left for her to eat.

Let Wind give her best . . . let her roar and bitch.

“Not this time Bre . . . not today.”

“I’ve waited so long for you . . . come back and finish the job!”

Final Thoughts: This was good for such a short story (more a flash story). This is a good example that a complete story can be told in very few words. Also I learned a new word: "pule". So that's always a good thing. :) Keep up the good work.

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Hi Highmage,

Overall Impression: This was an amusing piece. It's not often I get to see a comedic situation in a short fantasy story. What was unique about this piece was that it crossed between modern times and the setting for medieval fantasy. Trolls and places like The Green Dragon Inn aren't typically associated with the modern world. So either the narrator came from the future with his Oreos from Sam's Club, or Trolls, in this storyline, exist in the modern era.

Style and Voice: The narrator comes across as a reporter from the the future or a parallel world, or even just an extension of you the writer, working his way into the storyline. It's certainly an interesting presentation. Fantasy without the violence or any magic (other than the narrators presence) occuring.

Grammar and Mechanics: Only a couple minor issues.
Paragraph 1: But the one I liked the most of those I submitted was that his name’s [named] ”Murray.” - Read it aloud; the original sounds awkward.

Paragraph 2: Well, I won… His nickname is now Murray[,] and[ ]of course the group wants to know how he got his name. - Avoid using commas after conjunctions like "and".

Paragraphs 5 & 9: “Aw, common [come on], you can trust me. Who am I gonna tell? Here, another bag of Oreos?” & “Common [Come on], how did you get your name?”
The incorrect spelling works for Murray the troll, but don't use them for the narrator.

Paragraph 29: “Oh… So, your Furry Gandmuter mentioned the Dragon Inn to you[,] and[ ]well, gave you your name.” - Avoid using commas after conjunctions like "and".

Final Thoughts: Certainly not your typical fantasy story, but it works well. Comedy is often overlooked in fantasy, so it's refreshing to see it once in a while. Hope you found this review useful.

The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society
&
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Hi Ebony,

Overall Impression: Other than 2 issues I had in the 7th stanza, I thought this was very well written. This was a very powerful piece. The narrator being sacrificed for no apparent reason was interesting. How she dealt with the situation, realizing like her brother, she too would be sacrificed, he braved the pain and held out long enough against it to let her sister know she had to run to avoid the same fate. It was too late to save herself, but she was strong enough and smart enough to make sure her sister went free.

Grammar and Mechanics: Stanza 7, lines 3 and 4:
Run my dear sister, run Ebony-Rain, - Seeing as your user name is Ebony Rain, you shouldn't write it into a word of fiction, as it's in poor taste to do so.
Do [Don't] look back it is all in vain. - Shouldn't the message be for her sister to run and not look back?

Final Thoughts: The description of the sacrifice was eerie yet effective. This was done well. Keep up the good work, but please avoid writing your own name or handle as a character name in your own stories and/or poems.

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Hi Lisa,

Overall Impression: The title was a good choice as it's always important to have a strong title. This poem had good rhythm to it. You kept a good rhyme scheme without trying to force it into every line. This was done nicely, showing the faith in a military soldier. The pride in many ways comes more from the narrative being proud of the solider than the soldier is proud.

Grammar and Mechanics: The errors were minor, but need to be addressed.

Title: Warrior[']s Pride - This was written correctly in the body of the poem, but the apostrophe is missing in the item name.

2nd stanza: He stands tall and never cowars [cowers]
Spelling: "e" not "a". Also, be consistent. In every other verse each line begins in uppercase, so you should do the same here.

Final Thoughts: Not much to add. Be careful to follow the same grammatical rules for the item name that you would apply in the body of the poem. Hope this helped.

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