Hi Sarah,

Overall Impression: Angels and werewolves, don't see that combination very often. Forbidden love is always interesting in whatever form it takes. The relationship between Angelina and Luke is unique mostly because it takes the forbidden love concept one step further. It's one thing for an angel to love a human, but to love a creature which is part demon is far beyond the norm. Whatever the obstacles, Angelina is willing to ignore the Codex for Luke, and Luke in turn is willing to sacrifice himself to protect Angelina.

Areas of Improvement: There were a couple things I didn't like, but mostly because they seemed forced into the narrative. 1) A moon only looks full for about 3 days a month. Granted 3 days away from someone you love seems like a long time, but commonsense would dictate it's better to spend 3 days apart a month than to risk banishment or possibly death, causing you to never see the one you love anyway. Why take the added risk? It's one thing to risk it on a regular night, but is adding the concept of more prominent risk on the night of a full moon necessary? 2) The ending seems too convenient. The concept has been done to death. You've just violated rules that are tremendously important, but because you're willing to sacrifice your life to do so, we'll reward you for ignoring the rules. . . . Done to death. To me it seems to be a happy ending for the sake of a happy ending. There will definitely be people who disagree with me, and like how the events played out, but I personally feel it's not true to the form of the story. yes they are being moved to another more lenient galaxy, but it doesn't really seem like much of a punishment.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Description: Love is forbidden by the Angelus Codex, especially between angels and werewolves[.] - When your description is written as a full sentence, it should be punctuated like a full sentence.

Paragraph 2: She tried to smile, but it faltered. As much as she was entranced by the beauty of these nights, she also knew that danger lurked with the rising of the full moon. She had been warned to stay inside on nights like these by her companions. But she refused to follow their advice, to follow their warnings…[ ]she was not afraid of what lurked about on these nights. - There should be a space between the ellipses and the word following it.

Paragraph 4: Codex rule #23: Angels are not to associate with any evil on earth, except to vanquish it: this includes, but is not limited to, vampires, demons, werewolves,[ ]shapeshifters, witches, magicians, and other monstrous creatures. - There should be a space between the comma and shapeshifters.

Paragraph 7: “Luke,” she whispered as she started towards him. The wolf started in her direction as well. With each step, Luke transformed from a dangerous animal into a handsome, though somewhat hairy, man. - Why is this paragraph (1 of 2 that are like this) indented when the rest of the story isn't?

Paragraph 8: “Angelina,” he whispered when they fell into each other[']s arms. - There should be an apostrophe before the s.

Paragraph 10: Luke leaned over and kissed her, and she melted at his touch. Angelina knew the danger that was involved with their relationship, but she couldn’t help it; she loved Luke. Not only did the Codex forbid association with werewolves, it also forbid physical passion. The combination of the two was a recipe for trouble, not only for Angelina, but for Luke as well. But despite the danger, they had secretly met, determined to be together, sharing in a forbidden romance, that of an angel and a werewolf. - For whatever reason (likely a formatting issue) the last sentence in this paragraph starts on a brand new line. Might want to fix this.

Paragraph 20: Oriel’s eyes flickered between all of the people gathered. He scolded, “None of you have read the entire Codex, have you?” - Why is this paragraph (1 of 2 that are like this) indented when the rest of the story isn't?

Final Thoughts: I would get rid of the part about it being the night of a full moon. Or if you want to keep the full moon concept, 1) make the situation so that there's a reason for them meeting on such a night. Maybe Angelina has some angelic duties that have kept her away from Luke and will keep her from him again in a few days. That way, it makes sense for her to risk the full moon meeting. Also, if Luke is able to transform back into a human so easily when the full moon is out, it defeats the purpose of mentioning the full moon night. Either they would have to be in an area where the full moon's light doesn't shine on him to allow the transformation back, or the transformation back into human form would have to be incomplete and he'd still have to maintain some visible werewolf features. Otherwise. . . why is this night different from any other night? The happy ending versus not so happy ending is an opinion, so you don't have to listen on that one, but definitely follow the full moon advice. Give reasons for why they only have the opportunity to meet on the night of a full moon, and either have his transformation back into his human form only be partial or have them enter an area which isn't under the light of the moon. I prefer the partial transformation as it makes it obvious to the other angels that it's a werewolf she's meeting with and not simply a human. Good luck and keep me posted.

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Hi eskay,

Overall Impression: I felt this particular poem was well constructed. Each line within the stanzas worked well together. The turn of phrase, using the double meaning of matter worked really well in the first stanza. The importance of thought is made quite clear. Thought makes us what we are, even if it's not obvious why. Great use of rhythm in the poem as well. Sometimes poems sound harshly written. This one flowed well.

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Hi CreatorXD,

Overall Impression: Ok, so here are by basic thoughts. You focused on the concept of a director getting frustrated with events in a play going poorly, and missed a golden opportunity to tell a really good story. I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of a story within a story. It's when the writer is telling a story through their own voice or the voice of one of their characters, and a character within that story tells another story that sometimes is, sometimes isn't, directly related to the events of the story, but it fits nonetheless. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit overcritical, but you didn't use this opportunity well. A Shakespearean play? The theme is overused, and doesn't show much originality. If you want this to be a really good script, start from the beginning. I'm sure the idea makes you cringe, but you need to throw out most of this story. Before you become appalled and spout angrily at this review, hear me out. Keep the concept of the Director's Nightmare in place. Keep all the characters in play and continue on with the concept that they are performing a play under the direction of Becki. Now, here's where the big changes come in. Lose the Shakespeare. It's dull, it's boring. No one cares about a poorly portrayed Shakespeare play. It's an overused concept; it's been done before. Write your own play. Well. . . sort of. You don't need to actually write a play, but instead of using Shakespeare as the basis for the play being acted out, create the outline for a play. Think up lines to a script of your own creation. Base the script the characters are acting out in this story on something else you've written (assuming you have another story you've written) or create a story you can base the lines on. I think it'd be pretty cool if you referenced one of your own stories as the basis for the script in this play. Show more creativity. It'll add a whole new dimension to this story, and it'll be significantly better than tossing in Shakespeare.

Grammar and Mechanics: As it doesn't make sense to copy and paste everything, I'm just going to include a couple examples.

Title: The Director[']s Nightmare - Unless there's more than one director, you'll need an apostrophe before that s.

Section 1
Becki- Ok Jason and Hailey we are going to work on your scene together OK? - Becki: "Ok Jason and Hailey we are going to work on your scene together OK?" - The correct way to present dialogue in a script would be to use a colon after the name of whoever is speaking, and use quotation marks around the dialogue. Apply this to every single line of dialogue you've written. Also, I suggest losing one of the OK's as it's odd to start and end the sentence with the word ok.

Becki- Good! Now start at the um… 2nd line ok 1…2…3… ACTION! - Becki: "Good! Now start at the um… 2nd line ok. 1… 2… 3… ACTION!" - Add end punctuation when a sentence ends; "ok" ends a sentence. And there should be a space after each set of ellipses and the word (or in this case number) that follows it. It'd be pointless to indicate every example of ellipses, so just follow the same rule for the other parts of the story.

Becki- Cut, cut, cut ok, Jason; look you need to be more emotional you think that Juliet is like a bright angel for heaven’s sake! Not some dirty low life! You totally are in love with her ok!? (Hailey giggles) - Becki: "Cut, cut, cut. Ok, Jason; look you need to be more emotional. You think that Juliet is like a bright angel for heaven’s sake! Not some dirty low life! You totally are in love with her ok!?" (Hailey giggles) - Notice the sentence breaks?

Becki alright now start over same line ok? 1…2…3… ACTION! - Becki: "Alright, now start over same line ok? 1… 2… 3… ACTION!" - This one doesn't even have a dash to separate the speaker from the dialogue. You'll also want to capitalize "Alright" as it begins a sentence, and a comma after it.

Jason- Oh speak again bright angel; for thou art as glorious to this night, being o’er my head, as is a winged messenger of heaven unto the white upturned wondering eyes when he bestrides the lazy passing clouds and- - Jason: "Oh speak again bright angel; for thou art as glorious to this night, being o’er my head, as is a winged messenger of heaven unto the white upturned wondering eyes when he bestrides the lazy passing clouds and--" - To indicate speech is being cut off, use a longer dash or double dash so it's clear the dialogue has been interrupted. Apply this to all the other dashes used in the script.

Becki- CUT! Never mind Jason, I want you to go practice your lines with EMOTION ok? (He nods and goes off into the corner to practice them) - Becki: "CUT! Never mind Jason, I want you to go practice your lines with EMOTION ok?" (He nods and goes off into the corner to practice them.) - This is missing end punctuation for the setence in the parenthesis. Just because a sentence is in parenthesis, doesn't mean end punctuation should be left out. Apply this to any other sentence enclosed in parenthesis.

Section 2
Becki- Cut, cut, cut. Look Hailey you’re doing a good job but this is an emotional monologue and I need you to live it more ok? So try again starting at “Tonight.” This time with more emotion, ok? - Becki: "Cut, cut, cut. Look Hailey you’re doing a good job but this is an emotional monologue and I need you to liven it up more ok? So try again starting at “Tonight.” This time with more emotion, ok?" - "Live it more" sounds odd. I think you meant "liven it up more".

Jason- Well he, he! Um if we’re gonna do this by ourselves we better get going! (They do some practicing then they leave. Someone comes out with a sign that says: “Next Day”, puts up a sign that says “BACKSTAGE”, another one that says “To the stage” with an arrow, and then goes back. Then the cast of Romeo and Juliet comes in and starts putting on costumes) - Jason: "Well hehe! Um if we’re gonna do this by ourselves we better get going!" (They do some practicing then they leave. Someone comes out with a sign that says: “Next Day”, puts up a sign that says “BACKSTAGE”, another one that says “To the stage” with an arrow, and then goes back. Then the cast of Romeo and Juliet comes in and starts putting on costumes.) - If "he, he" is meant to be a laugh, write it as "hehe", no comma or space in between.

Becki- Look guys, I am soooooo… sorry about what happened. I guess I’d had just a little too much coffee that morning! When I got home I started worrying about you soooooo… much and knew I should have just gotten up out of bed and gone back, but I was just too stubborn! I really hope you forgive me! - Becki: "Look guys, I am soooooo… sorry about what happened yesterday. I guess I’d had just a little too much coffee that morning! When I got home I started worrying about you soooooo… much and knew I should have just gotten out of bed and come right back last night, but I was just too stubborn! I really hope you forgive me!" - The dialogue here is unclear and needs to be rephrased.

Final Thoughts: I would consider marking this story as private until you've had the opportunity to make the script within the play based on something else you've written. This is key to making this a likable story. Show that creativity! Take this to the next level! Keep me posted. I'll be happy to help further if you think you need it.

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Hi Lorilee,

Overall Impression: The comparison of life to a Nintendo game works pretty well. Obviously life doesn't work the same way a Mario Bros. game works, but that's a part of the point you're getting across. A video game may be difficult to conquer, but with the right difficulty settings, determination, and game walkthroughs, they can be beaten within a reasonable amount of time. (Except possibly for some of the newer games which I've heard are nearly impossible to beat, even on the easiest of settings.) Life unfortunately doesn't have walkthroughs, cheat codes, or difficulty settings. So what do you do when you can't save or pause in life, and the clock running out doesn't just mean you can take another stab at the failed level? Try and do what you can and get the most out of life as possible sounds like a pisspoor answer, but I'm not a motivational speaker, so don't expect awe inspiring ideas from me concerning how to live a fulfilling life. Life, in some ways, is a game. The rules are there, but you have to figure it out on your own (and if you're lucky you'll have others around you that can help you figure it out). But life is definitely not a game either. The rules change so often sometimes, that there's no real way of learning them. The game comparison is great because many people consider life to much like a game, and get lost when it doesn't work like one, while others don't treat it enough like a game, and forget how to have fun.

Areas of Improvement: You might want to alter the description a bit. From the descriptions, your readers might actually expect a Mario Bros. game based story. The title works great, but the description needs to be divorced from the game world just a bit.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 1: If someone had told me back then how different everything would be today I never would had believed them……. I once lived back in a time when the most important thing to do was to save the Princess and make sure your plumber could fly. The days of the reign of King Koopa….[ ]a much simpler time, a time of magic and skill. My little plumber and I would work for hours to defeat the bosses, slay King Koopa, and save that elusive Princess. And one day, after hours of hard work, we finally did. - The text I've indicated in 2 shades of blue are written on to separate lines in your story. If they're meant to be one paragraph, that line break shouldn't be there. If it's meant to be 2 paragraphs, there should be a space between the two paragraphs so it remains consistent with the rest of the narrative. Ellipses are only 3 dots never more. The only time you should ever use 4 point ellipsis is to indicate the end of a sentence, or when omitting a large portion of text in something you are quoting. The 4th dot is those cases is actually a period, not an ellipsis point. Also, leave a space after those mid-sentence ellipses.

Paragraph 4: Looking back I can't help but wonder how I missed the time fleeting by, days that seemed to never end are now just a bittersweet memory. So much was taken for granted and things that I assumed would last forever didn't. The love that I thought would last a lifetime was taken over by much stronger forces, and in the end love was defeated. Friends were always there when I needed them, and I was always there for them. Friendships that I once thought would always be in my life, are no longer to be found. Parents that were always there to love me, parents I took for granted and assumed would never leave me, slowly aged and in the end faded away so fast that I could do nothing to stop it. - The crossed out line is implied in the lines that follow it. It appears you going for a reversal though the comparison, but all this doesn't is weaken what's being said.

Last Paragraph: But I once lived in a time when they did. All that is left of those days are memories…..[ ]sweet memories of Princesses [princesses] and plumbers. - Only 3 dots for the ellipsis, and add a space after it. When you're referring to the Princess, like Princess Peach or Toadstool, the word should be capitalized, otherwise, lowercase letters. This refers to the last paragraph as well, which I didn't paste into this review.

Final Thoughts: This is a sad tale the way it is told. The loss of the princesses and plumbers filling your day sounds like fun times have been lost. There's simply no time available to kick back and relax like you once used to. But the memories are still there, and that's what matters. Just because you no longer have time to send Mario off on his way to save a princess, doesn't mean there are other ways you can have fun. The ways to kick back and relax might not be as long lasting, but they can still be just as fulfilling, if not more.

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Hi David,

Overall Impression: What I liked - Though brief, it's powerfully written. You do a great job at describing how objects in the story appear. To use one of your words within The Box, this story has a lot of texture. What I wasn't so keen on - I felt the story about the writer's 3 daughters wasn't explained well. How was it that his daughter's weren't following his wishes. This is something that is told in passing with no explanation beyond that. Were they even relevant to the story? Maybe I'm just missing it, but I'm not seeing the point, unless it's just meant to be some sort of metaphor. The only suggestion I have is to be a bit clearer about the relationship of the writer and his daughters. It's all kind of vague as if you substituted story for imagery. I like the premise, but it needs a bit more explanation.

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Hi Mikaylee,

Overall Impression: The tale of a woman escaping her captor only to be recaptured yet again. Her escape was never truly an escape. What makes her brief escape truly sad is that she never had a chance to get away. Her "escape" brought her to a place she could not possibly hide in, and gave her no opportunities to find a weapon with which to defend herself. Her kidnapper thrilling in the chase, but he makes sure his game allows for only him to be the winner. There are many writers who would be tempted to have the girl find a successful hiding place, a weapon to defend herself with and kill or incapacitate her kidnapper with, or even throw in a random passerbyer to come to her aide. To do any of those would not be true to the story's form. It's more important to keep a story true to form than to force a happy ending. So good to see you didn't give in and make a weak happy ending.

Grammar and Layout: These is really a preference issue, but I think you should us the justify feature to give your story a crisp clean look. Also, the in-text title should be centered, underlined, or bolded, to distinguish it from the rest of the story.

Paragraph 1: alley way - Should be written as the single word alleyway, especially since it's written as a single word in the sentence immediately following it.

Final Thoughts: I'm definitely read stories about a kidnapped girl before (a number of them on this site). Sometimes they escape, sometimes they don't, sometimes the story is left hanging for the reader to decide. It's always interesting to see what sort of approach different writers will take in telling a story of this nature.

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Hi Eskay,

Overall Impression: The title and description for them poem were good picks, though concerning the description, as far as I'm aware, there should be a space between the ellipsis and the word that follows. This poem is successful in that it tells a clear story. The 1st stanza tells of the discovery of an old journal filled with writing entries from the narrator. The 2nd stanza gives a visual description of how old the journal appears, and speaks more about the entries within. I'm not entirely sure about the third stanza, but I think it's referring to the unwritten thoughts that just never made it on the page. The final stanza talks about the actions of leaving behind a record of what one has thought and/or done. The narrative then asks if these thoughts and actions are something worth leaving behind or something best forgotten. It's an interesting question. I suppose it all depends on who's writing the journal.

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Hi Complexity,

Overall Impression: The story doesn't really have that horrific feel to it, possibly become the restrictions of the contest don't really give you a change to develop the imagery in the tale fully enough, but it's good considering its brevity nonetheless. What's interesting is that it has a old school story to to it. Maybe this is because the characters are older, or quite simply it's that no one writes letters anymore, so putting a story in letter form automatically ages the feel of a story. Either way, good work.

Areas of Improvement: Not sure if this counts as a grammar issue or not, but here goes. At the end of the story you use what, to me, seems like an excessively long dash to indicate the letter was cut off. There's no need to go beyond a regular em-dash "--". Additionally, and this is more of a preference issue than anything else, I think the cutoff would have a more natural feel if it occurred mid-word.

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Hi Elizabeth,

Overall Impression: It's always interesting to see an autobiographical piece by a writer. It gives a glimpse into their world. Sometimes it shows what motivates and inspires them. If written well, the reader can get a sense of why they write about the topics they do and why they've chosen to write in their particular style. Whether it biography explains their writing choices or not, it's always good to read because it helps the reader get to know the writer as a person, helps them to to identify with the person telling the story. It's clear there were moments in your life that weren't easy, but you got past them and developed as a person and a writer nonetheless. I may not yet know the woman behind the pen (or in this case keyboard) but I have at least gotten a glimpse into her world.

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Hi Dean,

This was an interesting little story. More of an anecdote really. To put it succinctly, sucks to be that guy. I suppose the real message here, if the reader is looking for a message to find, would be not to jump to conclusions and definitely not to jump or drive off cliffs. Odd that he chose to check his messages as he was driving off the cliff, but an interesting tale nonetheless.

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Hi C.L.,

Overall Impression: I honestly wasn't expecting much from this, but you did a surprisingly good job with the the topic given. The interactions between the two men were conveyed so simply yet so powerfully. It must be difficult to fill the shoes of a man the narrator knows to be dying. For the narrator, it's so much harder because the shoes he must fill belong to a man he's grown fond of. Ben's life has meaning to the narrator. The time he spend with Ben was meaningful. The pain of losing someone so important in his life is difficult, but just as Ben's time is coming to an end, he must learn to live on without him.

Favorite Line(s): I saw him leave that afternoon and he pulled over a few buildings down, under a blooming dogwood. He was crying. A few hours later, I pulled over in the same spot and did the same. - This really is a beautiful line. Here you have two men who had started off strangers. The narrator was trained to take his job, never expecting such a powerful friendship to develop. It's to be expected that Ben could have a moment where he breaks down and cries. He's dying soon, obviously he has a lot to be sad about. The narrator does the same for different reasons. Ben has because a good friend of his in the time they've worked together. Ben is now an important person in is life. The loss for him is perhaps not quite as painful for Ben who knows he is dying, but it's painful nonetheless.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Description: Writer's Cramp Sub: Write a STORY or POEM about the formation of an unlikely friendship[.] - Since the description is a full sentence, it should have end punctuation.

Paragraph 1: Ben was dying. . . . He wasn't dying immediately, mind you- he was just already diagnosed as terminal. - The dash between the two underlined words can be presented two different ways: He wasn't dying immediately, mind you--he was just already diagnosed as terminal. or He wasn't dying immediately, mind you - he was just already diagnosed as terminal.

Paragraph 5: Ben and I. . . . There are [were] no words between us. - Keep those tenses consistent.

Final Thoughts: Great stuff. Hope the rest of your writing is written with the same quality in mind.

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Hi Maki,

Overall Impression: This is definitely an odd story. If the goal of this story was to show just how creepy a stalker can be, you've succeeded. I can envision the creepy older guy writing this letter to Lena. I can easily see him writing this letter and keeping it hidden. I can just as easily see him actually sending her the letter, and having her read it with a horrified look on her face. The face that he sees her walking around school implies he's part of the college staff, possibly one of her teachers.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 3: I know your bra size, your weight, where your parents went, when you're at work, when you're at home, your waist size, pant size, buttox [buttocks] size, everything. Right down to the fact that you're self-consious because at one time you had a tummy. I know that you have a crush on Ian Westric, and have since you where [were] little. I know that you only live with your brother, and you provide everything, even though you're in collage [college]. I know of your dreams, Lena. I know what you want in live [life]. - There are 4 misspelled words here.

Paragraph 6: You'd look better in a lower light. My fair maiden, you glow like the Sun [sun]. Let me make you feel me. Consign to me, lovely maiden.[ ]Let me make you shout in pleasure. - "Sun" should be written in lowercase. Also, always make sure there is a space between a period and the word beginning a new sentence.

Paragraph 8: Let me undress you, let me feel you breathe [your breath]. - Misspelled words.

Paragraph 9: Lena, I love you.. I love you very much. My lust and want for you grows like your breasts if you where [were] pregnant. - The first sentence should either have 1 dot for a period, or 3 for ellipses. There should never be 2 dots. There's also a spelling error in this paragraph.

Final Thoughts: As I said before, this is definitely a creepy story. I think the choice of a letter was a great choice for how to tell this story. There were a handful of spelling mistakes and/or typos, but otherwise this succeeds in what it was written to be.

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Hi Michael,

Overall Impression: This was really short, but I feel it was successful in getting across its message. Short, simple and to the point. It's always good to know that an essay doesn't necessarily need to be lengthy for it to be a good one. Like the lullabies this speaks of, it's best to keep something like this short to get your message across. Nicely done.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 1: You hear it. . . . Does that lullaby represent that simple being that eats[,] sleeps and. . . well[,] you know. - The commas here are necessary to separate the items in a list. I recommend ellipses because a comment like "well, you know" seems like it would come after a more drawn out pause or hesitation than a comma would provide.

Paragraph 2: We all hear that song pretty much every day has [as] healthcare providers.

Paragraph 4: Brahms [Brahms'] - Just like you would say Michael's lullaby, you have to do the same for Brahms. Because Brahms already ends with an s, it's an apostrophe without an s.

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Hi Gypsy,

Overall Impression: It must be interesting writing for a contest. I've never tried doing so, but I can only imagine the the difficulties tied in with the restrictions. I would have liked to have seen the picture the story is written for at the beginning or end of the story, but I guess that's not always possible. This is a cute story. I'm not entirely sure if it meets the expectations one expects from a title like Fighting Myself, but it's not a bad story nonetheless. I could easily see this as a children's or possible young adult's story. It's interesting to see that Sarah so emphatically believes she's the mature one in the group, yet Steve shows his own maturity by immediately consoling her. One could argue, that Steve is not necessarily more mature than Sarah, but he definitely seems more grounded as he understands the nature of things more clearly. Steve understands that Sarah is telling tall tales, even if she isn't aware of it.

Areas of Improvement: The ending seemed oddly abrupt. Steve basically comes to the conclusion that Sarah is just being weird again. After giving this entire speech to Billy about Sarah misunderstanding the adults and making things up, he just walks off, forgets everything, and goes right back to playing in the fort. It's not a terrible ending, but I think this story could be improved if the ending received a bit of work and revision.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the word beginning dialogue (before or after a comma) is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name) if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.

Semicolons should only be used to separate two independent but closely related clauses, or in a complex series. They are used, in essence, as weak periods to show a closer relationship than a period would provide. Because you would not use a semicolon where you would not use a comma, do not use a semicolon as a weak comma. If the text before or after a semicolon cannot begin a new sentence, it is being used incorrectly.

Description/Subtitle: This is a story based on a picture for a contest[.] - If your description is written as a sentence, it should include end punctuation.

In-text title: Fighting Myself - Should be underlined, bolded, or centered to distinguish it from the rest of the story.

Paragraph 1: ‘Why do boys think they have to fight?’ Sarah thought to herself as she stood by watching Billy and Steve on the ground pounding each other with blows. Had she been on time for their play date [playdate] she might have been able to put a stop to this act of violence as she had many times before, only she was late and with good reason. After school the routine was the same, run home to drop off her books and tell mom where she was going to be that day, then to old lady Burnham’s house to feed the cat and check on her[,] then off to play with the boys. How her mother hated that she was such a tom boy [tomboy], always trying to get her to play dolls with the other girls and wear pretty dresses but Sarah did not have time for all that, the games the boys played were so much more fun. - If thought is being indicated, use italics and not quotes (even single quotes) so that it's not mistaken for dialogue. Playdate and tomboy should both be written as a single words. The comma inserted is needed to separate yet another item from a list.

Paragraph 6: “Oh it ain’t nothing, we were just playing[,]” Came [came] the answer from Steve. - See Punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 7: Nothing is it. . . Unsatisfied with the answer[,] she knew she was not going to get anything else out of the pair.
A comma is needed for pacing reasons. The sentence sounds off without it.

Paragraph 11: Sarah could['nt] hold her tears back any longer, they flowed hot down her cheeks. - Missing the not from could not.

Paragraph 12: “Boys[,] I will not be able to play with you after today.” A sob came with her words. - A comma is used between an abrupt remark, utterance, exclamation, or interruption from the rest of the sentence. Boys, in this instance, are considered the interjection.

Paragraph 14: I have to go. . . . Her sobs got worse as she spoke[;] Steve came to sit beside her putting a comforting arm around her.
See Semicolons.

Paragraph 16: “They say that I am different then other girls[;] I must have a surgery on my head to make me well. Mom says that then they are not sure I will ever be right.” - See Semicolons.

Paragraph 18: “That’s just it, you can’t visit me. Mom said that I had to be away from you two so that this might [could] work. I love you both and will miss you [so] much.” Sarah hugged Steve tight than stood to hug Billy. Her heart could not take any more so she turned, said good bye [goodbye] and walked away, leaving two very stunned boys to their own thoughts. - The simple substitution of could in place of might makes the sentence much clearer. You'll also want to add the word so, where indicated, to add sentence clarity. Though good bye as two words is not technically incorrect, the preferred way of writing it is as a single word.

Paragraph 21: “I wonder when her mother is going to tell her the truth[,]” Steve answered readily. - See Punctuation for dialogue

Paragraph 23: “Dad and mom were talking last night and mom told dad that Sarah’s mom told her that she was thinking maybe there was a surgery on [for] her brain that they could do to make her act more like a girl. Dad laughed when mom told him but said that it was funny that she was such a prissy woman[;] it would not surprise him if she actually tried to find one[,]” Steve explained as they watched the retreating form of Sarah. - The simple substitution of for in place of on makes the sentence much clearer. Also, see Semicolons and Punctuation for dialogue.

Final Paragraph: “No of course not, she must have heard her mother talking on the phone again, like last time when she thought her aunt was an alien. You remember that don’t you[?] she [She] heard her mom tell someone on the phone that cause her aunt is a free spirit that doesn’t settle down in one place to [too] long. I bet tomorrow she’ll be here with some other fantastic story about someone else.”
Add the question mark and start a new sentence with She. And make sure to add that missing o to too.

Final Thoughts: One thing that was done remarkably well in this story were the character interactions. Sarah and Steve were really well developed in their personas. Billy, coming across as the a more passive and meek character, didn't quite stand out as much as the other two, but even he fit the role he was placed in. So overall, good job. But you'll definitely need to do some revisions.

WDC POWER REVIEWERS
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Hi Plandara,

Overall Impression: This is good at describing what a woman might do is she wakes to find herself kidnapped. Instead of just panicking, she tries to think her way out of the situation. She tests her restraints first, and when she discovers she can't get out, she comes with the next best solution. She might not be able to escape, but with a hammer as her weapon, she can attack her kidnapper and gain her freedom that way (at least she hopes).

Grammar and Mechanics:
Subtitle/Description: Vanessa is kidnapped and cuffed to a pipe. She struggles to find a way out. - Overall I liked the story, but the description is terrible. Does it describe what I'm going to reading well? Yes, it does, but a good description should describe without summarizing. Try to describe the story without giving a summary. I would give a suggestion, but I can't think of one offhand.

Paragraph 7, lines 4-5: She tested the pipe. . . . She remembered fumbling in her purse, looking for her house keys and then[. . . ] Nothing [nothing], she couldn't remember anything after that.
It's odd that you end a sentence with then and begin a new one with Nothing, as this is clearly an instance where ellipses would work perfectly. That and the sentence ending with then would be an incomplete sentence without the ellipses connecting it to the sentence following it.

Paragraph 17: I can’t get a firm grip, what could it be? It felt like a smooth cylindrical object. It had a flat bottom, either plastic or wood, [but] I can’t be for sure.
It's odd to hear someone think in past tense, but it is technically correct. The last part of the sentence needs tweaking through.

Paragraph 20 & 21: luckily [Luckily] this lunatic wasn't so smart after all. & why [Why] hadn't he bound my wrists, and gagged me? - Cap the beginnings of both sentences.

Paragraph 22: Vanessa had an idea. She proceeded to take off her shirt and remove [removed] her bra in the cold dark basement. It was cool and damp wherever she was. The cold gave her goose bumps as she exposed her plump breasts. Her nipples hardened instantaneously as she laid flat on the cold concrete floor. Vanessa used her bra and tossed it in the direction of the mysterious object, but could not however find a way to bring it any closer. - Fix the tenses so that it says removed and lose the word however as adds nothing to the text.

Paragraph 23: "come [Come] on, come on, work god damnit[,]" she whispered. - Begin your sentences with caps. Also, commas are used before (or after) direct speech to indicate a pause-for-breath.

Paragraph 24: The ruff [rough] floor scraped against her bare rib cage as she stretched as far as she could. - According to Merriam-Webster, the word ruff means a small freshwater European perch (Acerina cernua) or a large round collar of pleated muslin or linen worn by men and women of the late 16th and early 17th centuries or a fringe or frill of long hairs or feathers growing around or on the neck of an animal or a common Eurasian sandpiper (Philomachus pugnax) whose male during the breeding season has a large ruff of erectile feathers on the neck or to take a trick with a trump.I think it's safe to say you meant rough. I shared the definitions for ruff, mostly because I thought it interesting.

Final Thoughts: Switching between her thoughts and actually speaking in the story works well as it gives realism to her story. Both her thoughts and speak are heard, making her a more rounded character.

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Hi Lana,

Overall Impression: "It was a bleak and dreary night." Lines like those always make me think of "It was a dark and stormy night, and other similar lines. The presentation is an interesting one. You set the scene in the dark and the rain at the funeral grounds. Sure, it could have been a bright shiny day, but that wouldn't have set up the contrast you've successfully used to show otherwise. It's as if the weather itself was a test. The Angel was willing to grand a man his final wish, but he needed to see what Maria would do. He needed to see if the girl was worthy of receiving the gift as well. Once it is clear that both parties are deserving of the miracle, the wish is granted. Grandpa gets to spend one more day with Maria. I guess she needed to take the form of a young girl, because that was an age when they shared their fondest memories.

Style and Voice: I liked the description throughout. First the setting in the darkness of night and rain, followed by the creaky old apartment, each set a tone. It was interesting to see the switch of the narrative. The first half was told in the narrative of the Angel, but you chose to take over the role of narrator in the second half. It's as if, the Angel's job is done, and he has to step back in the second half and let the story play out.

Grammar and Mechanics: I'm noticing the same errors over and over again. The vast majority of the mistakes concern punctuation for dialogue, missing end quotes, and non-italicized thoughts. Focus on these three issues, and the rest of your stories will have little to no errors.

Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions. Also, make sure the word beginning dialogue (before or after a comma) is capitalized, but do not capitalize a word (unless it's a proper name) if it follows dialogue ending in a comma.

Section 1
Paragraph 1, line 2: Typical funeral behavior, no one wanted to be there and the rain was his or her [an] excuse to leave. - "His or her" became a way of people to be "P.C." because using a single gender to describe a group of people is apparently not allowed. I personally think it lowers the value of what's being written. If the concern is to avoid gender specifics, you'd be better off writing "the rain was an excuse to leave" or "the rain was as good an excuse as any to leave".

Paragraph 4: “I now see what he meant[,]” I spoke in a low tone. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 9: It was almost time[,] another minute or two. - Comma needed.

Paragraph 10: “Are you alright Maria? Do you understand what I am?["] I waited for her to comprehend. - Missing end quote.

Paragraph 11: “Yes. I know[," she] She said. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 12: Her lips trembled. . . . - There's nothing grammatically wrong with this paragraph, but I pointed it out because there should be a space between this and the previous paragraph for consistency reasons, not just a new line.

Section 2
Paragraph 1: I'm not sure if the first paragraph here is meant to be a single paragraph or not because there are no spaces between the 3 parts, yet there are clearly new lines beginning. Going with the assumption that this is meant to be 2 paragraphs, I split them accordingly, and you should add a single space between each. If the 3 parts are meant to be a single paragraph, make sure it doesn't appear as if paragraph is a new line.

Paragraph 1, Part 1: Another minute and I can open the door[, he] He thought[,] anxiously fidgeting with the doorknob. - Thoughts (the underlined part) should be written in italics to separate them from the rest of the narrative. I've heard from exactly one person that italics aren't required, but I don't know the source for that opinion, nor have I ever seen that reasoning given before. The only exception to the rule would be if the enter story is the thoughts of the narrator. Also, see punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 1, Part 2: She extended her foot[,] feeling for the edge of the step and walked down the first three with a slow and careful manner. Blinking her eyes to adjust to the dark, she felt for the second set of steps that led to her destination. Misjudging her next step, she missed the rail and tumbled head first down the stairs with outstretched hands in hopes to break the fall. When there was no impact, she opened her eyes and to her amazement[;] she was floating in mid air. - I feel the comma after foot is necessary, otherwise the reader has to backtrack to read the sentence correctly. The last sentence I pasted is using commas that come in pairs; however, when paired commas are used, the text between the commas is supposed to be unessential material. Going by that logic, the sentence would technically say this: When there was no impact, she was floating in mid air. That's an odd sentence, and I doubt that's what you meant. I suggest treating the 3rd part like an independent clause (something that can be a separate sentence) and using a semicolon to show its close relationship with the previous two parts of the sentence.

Paragraph 1, Part 3: An Angel[, she] She thought. It has to be. - Is this a new paragraph or part of the previous paragraph? If so, make sure it doesn't appear to be starting on a new line. Also, remember to italicize thoughts which I've underlined.

Paragraph 3: The next thing she knew, she was standing in front of a door, confused. Then it swung open and she heard a familiar voice. “Who is this beautiful creature at my door?["] - Some people might say the dialogue should begin a new paragraph. I think it works better as the same paragraph. Either way, the correct setup is incorrect. If you want it as the same paragraph, make sure the dialogue doesn't begin on the same line, otherwise, put a space break before the dialogue. And don't forget to include that missing end quote.

Paragraph 6: “I love you so much Grandpa. All the way up and past the moon you know.” she [She] hugged him tighter and kissed his neck. - Make sure to cap new sentences.

Paragraph 7: “Thank you[,]” He [he] said to the Angel. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 10: “Are you ready? It is time to go[,]” The angel [the Angel] said. - See punctuation for dialogue. Also, the word Angel should be capped, as it's done so everywhere else in the story.

Final Thoughts: There are a few issues that need to be resolved for this story to be at its best, but otherwise this is well told. Make sure to focus on the three issues I mentioned above, and you'll find your work will improve.

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Hey Spider,

Overall Impression: This was definitely an interesting story. Here you have a title and description which gives nothing away yet still manages to suit the story being told. Sometimes a simple story is better, when told in a way that makes they story anything but just another simple story. Stabbed by a robber, the narrator shows no anger, no remorse, nothing of the sort. It's interesting to see how quickly the narrator accepts his fate. Having everything move painstakingly slow and than bursting into speed as the pain blooms in his chest really does what it set out to accomplish. It gives him a chance to think before it all comes to an end. And then the light overcomes him. When he opens his eyes on the other side of that tunnel, gone from his mind is the stabbing and his death.

Favorite Line(s):
It wasn't pain that struck me as much as an overwhelming disbelief. A knife was lodged in my chest and it didn't belong there. For what seemed like an endless amount of time, my arms slowly tried to rise up and grasp its hilt, like a roller-coaster leisurely clicking its way to the top of the ride. - The description in the whole paragraph was really good. You took a standard scene of a guy looking down in disbelief to see a knife (bullet or arrow, etc.) and took it to the next level. The image of the roller-coaster clicking away worked surprisingly well. Definitely unexpected.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Semicolons should only be used to separate two independent but closely related clauses, or in a complex series. They are used, in essence, as weak periods to show a closer relationship than a period would provide. Because you would not use a semicolon where you would not use a comma, do not use a semicolon as a weak comma. If the text before or after a semicolon cannot begin a new sentence, it is being used incorrectly.

Paragraph 4, lines 2-3: I don't remember falling to the floor. . . .
Something being smashed, drawers pulled open, glass breaking[,] all combine [combining] in an awkward sort of elevator music, playing, but so softly I can barely hear it. - See Semicolons.

Paragraph 5, lines 3-4: My attention is being sucked into a vacuum. . . .
I watch in tepid amusement as my panicked assistant [assailant] finally freezes in mid step.

Paragraph 6: Outside of pain, in-between the impulses of brain chemistry and light based movement[,] I am suddenly between the acts, somewhere between one scene and the next. - See Semicolons.

Paragraph 7: In the stillness of the moment my mind focuses on the only interesting thing in the washed out picture[:] a vivid blue and orange reflection, bursting forth from a large and jagged piece of glass lying next to me. - A colon is used instead of a semicolon when you want to use the text after the punctuation to illustrate or amplify the text preceding it.

Paragraph 10: I open my eyes. . . .
A woman named Marie is reading in a wonderfully large hat beside me.
A woman named Marie, wearing a wonderfully large hat, is sitting beside me.
While I understand what it meant by the text in blue, the actual text implies Marie is sitting in a large hat. You may want to rephrase that. The text is green is a suggestion. Feel free to use it, or come up with something better if it's not quite your style.

Final Thoughts: The ending on the beach was interesting. It was both happy and sad. While his death is obvious, there is a bright side. He has, it seems, moved on to a better place.

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Hi Tasia,

Overall Impression: This is introduced as the story of a woman who, after dabbling in witchcraft in her younger years, finds her way back to God and tries to have a clean start with her family. It appears her Great Aunt Lala's possession and eventual return to the Christian religion is what inspires the narrator to do the same. Whatever dark spirits or evils she had associated with when the narrator practiced witchcraft seem reluctant to let her go. The dark entity or entities try to bring her back forcefully through an act of demonic possession. Armed with the words of her aunt and her faith in God, the narrator is forced not once but twice twice to cast the demons out, ultimately finding they were linked to items or books of witchcraft that remained in her possession. Her faith and removal of the books of witchcraft are ultimately successful as the demons never visit her again.


Areas of Improvement: Paragraph spacing. While you've fixed most of the spacing issues I mentioned via email, there's a different type of spacing issue.

Paragraphs like this:
During my dark years I gathered several books on Witchcraft. How to cast spells and all the spooky stuff that goes along with that type of interest.
An Aunt of mine had also dabbled in the occults and became possessed. My “Great Aunt Lala used her authority "In the name of Jesus!" cast out the demons possessing her niece. So I knew from family stories that demons were real. I also knew that Jesus Christ had absolute power over them.
If you are not a Christian or you have not witnessed such things, I know this sounds crazy, but it is all true.
Should look like this:
During my dark years I gathered several books on Witchcraft. How to cast spells and all the spooky stuff that goes along with that type of interest. An Aunt of mine had also dabbled in the occults and became possessed. My “Great Aunt Lala used her authority "In the name of Jesus!" cast out the demons possessing her niece. So I knew from family stories that demons were real. I also knew that Jesus Christ had absolute power over them. If you are not a Christian or you have not witnessed such things, I know this sounds crazy, but it is all true.
Otherwise it looks like you're switching off between using spaces between some paragraphs and just separating other paragraphs by writing them on separate lines. Be consistent. This is just one example; this is done throughout.


Grammar and Mechanics:
My “Great Aunt Lala used her authority "In the name of Jesus!" cast out the demons possessing her niece. - There's an open quote for Great, but no end quote in sight.

Together my [My] boyfriend and I were working very hard to make a go of things together. - Lose "Together".

"I must cast it out[.]" I tried to think; this dark thing was squeezing me with despair. - Don't use a comma here as the speech is not directly related to the action.

I found one box of them and burned them up on the BQ [BBQ] grill, and then I blessed the house. - The abbreviation for barbecue is BBQ.

The room became very bright and I found myself sitting bolt upright in bed shouting[,] "I cast you out in the name of Jesus Christ!" and yes this woke up the baby to. - Use a comma when directly connecting dialogue with its related action.

"Honey you have still got something in your house or on your property that is attracting demons[;] are you sure you burned all of those books?" - A semi-colon should be used to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences.

I went to the shed and found the box my husband had spoken of[;] that was the last of my books. - A semi-colon should be used to connect what would otherwise be two separate sentences.

I burned those books on the BQ [BBQ] grill with lots of lighter fluid. - The abbreviation for barbecue is BBQ.

I have grown as a Christian and have had a few more supernatural experiences' [experiences] involving demons and evil spirits. - The apostrophe here serves no purpose.


Final Thoughts: This tale talks of finding religion and recognizing its values. It is a strong beacon of light, strong enough to evict and demons or dark entities that try to invade or possession a person who had found God, even if that person once followed the ways of witchcraft.

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Hi Adriana,

Overall Impression: Was the contest entry any story that ties into Easter, or did it specifically include "the hunt" as its title? For such a short piece, this was very descriptive. I liked how you had an adult reminiscing about her own Easter Egg hunts as opposed to just having children running around. The description of the narrators memories are a far more prominent part of the study than the actual hunt itself. The only think I don't get is why certain words were bolded. The words selected seemed pretty random. What do engineer, spray paint, easter eggs, capri pants, ham, and a lasso have in common? Maybe you had something specific in mind when you wrote the story, but I can't figure out why those particular words are bolded.

Grammar and Mechanics:
We both look at the children with a diamond sparkle in our eyes and raise the golden cup[:] "And the winner is..." - The colon is the only change I can think of that seems necessary.

Final Thoughts: Cleanly written and well described, but I think you should remove the bold for those words and the selection doesn't really make sense.

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Hi Sum1,

Overall Impression: I liked this one. This essay/article covered the scope of reviewing without going into any specific details. I did my own article a while back, including a lot of the more specific issues and suggesting reviewers point out anything they think I should cover as well. Sometimes I regret putting in that suggestion, because the only way to cover all the necessary things that need to be covered, would be to write a whole book. There are already style guides out there, so there's no reason to do so.

Back to your essay. I agree with you 100% on many disclaimers reviewers add before their reviewers, particularly the ones that ask the reader not to be offended when the review says nothing negative. Why is it necessary to apologize for a review being offensive if it doesn't offend? I add a disclaimer before my poetry reviews, but that's to inform people I'm not a poet, amateur or otherwise, so I have to work from a layman's point of view. Those reviews that tell you nothing, or the ones that sound like the reviewer likes your work but has a piss poor rating are just as obnoxious. Not abusing the color tool is particularly important. Ever seen those reviews that look like a rainbow threw up? I know I have. Come to think of it, the only thing I can think to suggest adding to this piece concerns the color red. Red is usually an editors tool for something is wrong. Reviewers should use red as little as possible in their reviews (definitely don't use it as their primary color for the review). After all, red means stop.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Intro, lines 3-7: Using the advice given (freely!) in these reviews, we can learn to become a better writer [writers]. But too many times a review contains very little valuable information that one can use to improve their writing skills. After receiving almost 800 reviews, and providing almost 1,300 [1300], I thought I would contribute my two-cents worth of thoughts on reviewing. - Since you're using "we" this should say better writers instead of a better writer. While 1,300 is not grammatically incorrect, I suggest writing 1300 instead because its close proximity to the next comma gives it an awkward look.

Section 2, lines 3-4: Few people on this site are professional writers (Lord knows I’m not, read a story/poem of mine, and I’m sure you’ll agree.), and you may be reviewing someone with a fragile ego. - Is the punctuation after parenthesis necessary?

Section 5, lines 5-6: Conversely, if you read something and it hits you emotionally[,] leaves you gasping, unable to really believe what you just read, tell the author that. - A semi-colon is used to link what would otherwise be two separate sentences. They are linked because of their close relationship. The semi-colon is used as a weak period, not a strong comma. I see the temptation here to use the semi-colon to break up lengthy sentences, but it should not be used that way. Since it's grammatically correct to start a sentence with a conjunction (despite the claims by some misguided people that you can't) I consider the other semi-colons in this paragraph acceptable. The one I list here is listed, because without that comma, it's linking incomplete sentences, which is not how a semi-colon is meant to be used.

Conclusion, lines 4-6: One final thought[:] The best benefit of providing review to others? You’re writing! In doing so, you’re learning to be a better writer just by reading and providing simple feedback (review) to the author [authors]. - Though I haven't quite figured out how to explain colons yet, the colon, more or less, is used when you are using one thought to emphasize another. I suggest authors over author because, realistically, very few writers are going to improve by doing a single solitary review.

Final Thoughts: Other than a couple nitpicky issues, very little to find fault with in this essay. It's simple, to the point, and doesn't bog down the readers with too many details.

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THE EDITING ROOM

Hi Kourosh, this review is brought to you by the Editing Room. I know there is a different group name listed at the bottom, but that was the first group I joined on the site, so I always try to share a little credit with them. Since you've gifted the group for the review, I'll double check this story again once you've applied the necessary revisions, in case I've missed anything the first time around. Make sure to let me know when you've done so, or I won't know when to double check.

Overall Impression: I can honestly say this is the first story on the writing.com that I've seen about probability. I'm sure there must be others, but this is the first one I'm reading. The tale (two tales technically) of probability is a simple premise, but it works well. The warden is described as a strangely mysterious character, so much so that the barber (number 3 in the rumor mill) who's known the warden for years, still finds he knows very little about the man. So it's fitting that the warden disappears into the sandstorm at the end of the story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Punctuation for dialogue - Commas come before or after direct speech, unless it's a question or an exclamation, (in which case a question mark or exclamation mark would be used). Periods come before or after actions.
Commas setting off interjections - A comma is used between an abrupt remark, utterance, exclamation, or interruption from the rest of the sentence.

Paragraph 1: A heat wave accompanied by sand storm [a sandstorm] in the middle of the summer is no joke[, e]specially if you live in our small desert town in this God and government forsaken border state. The fact that I was breathing my unluckiest day in life weren’t [wasn't] improving the situation a bit. - Write sandstorm as one word and add an "a" before it. The first two sentences should be a single sentence separated by a comma. Use wasn't, not weren't in the last sentence.

Paragraph 2: Sitting in a shop with a broken fan and windows which couldn’t be opened against the sea of sand soaring outside, you might say sleep was as futile as it seemed, yet the events of the day had taken their toll on me and before knowing [I knew] it, I was dozing off on the swirling chair. - Here you need to get rid of some unnecessary words. The change from "knowing it" to "I knew it" is important, because it makes the events come across more clearly.

Paragraph 3: There at the door, shaking the sand off his hat[,] stood the warden. - What we have here is an example of commas that come in pairs. These commas are used to separate the essential parts of the sentence from the part that adds detail, but isn't integral to understanding the sentence.

Paragraph 7: ‘Give me a comb and a German clipper and I’ll cut hairs in hell[,]’ I said, taking his coat and hat.
See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 9: He waited without a word as I prepared my tools. Now I should confess here , rather shamefully, that as the barber of the town ([in spread-the-rumor business, I only came in] the third after the local weekly and the coffee house in spread-the-rumor business)[.] in [In] twenty years time, I haven’t been able to [don't] know [any more about] the warden any more than [I did on] that first day. He is not of a chatty sort and his character plus his peculiar profession in that remote prison, has led to all sorts of bizarre fairy tales going around behind his back among locals. While he [could] probably can get his haircut for free where he works, for some reason[,] he has come to my shop in all these years, So I’m OK with him he kept coming to my shop throughout the years, so he's OK by me. - I was actually quite confused here. I thought you were saying that the narrator was the third barber in town, one of which included a local weekly. The reference to the coffee house made no sense to me. I had to ask another Technical Reviewer in the Editing Room staff. Luckily she knew what you meant. I think it's safe to say most of your readers will not catch on like she did. The rephrasing I suggest clarifies this issue. It's of the utmost importance that "in spread-the-rumor business" is mentioned at the start of the parenthesis, otherwise most of your readers won't know what you're talking about. There's an unnecessary space between "here" in the second sentence, and the comma following it. You'll also want to start a new sentence with "In twenty years". The last sentence really needs a lot of restructuring. If you follow the advice I give above, this should be a lot easier to understand.

Paragraph 10: Actually[,] I feel peaceful in his presence. I’ve discovered a special tranquility about this man[,] which he brings to the shop with himself and leaves some of it behind every time he leaves. Of course I haven’t talked to anyone about this mystic presence; I don’t want to add a new rumor about the crazy barber of the town to the already [all ready] rich supply of the town folk’s [K1] gossips, But [but] believe me on the account of thirty years of experience[ ]- it is there. - You'll need a comma after actually, because of commas setting off interjections. As much as I want already to be a word, it isn't, so you'll have to write all ready. I have no clue what [K1] is supposed to be, so I can't make any comments or corrections concerning it.

Paragraph 13: “Well, the greatest misfortune of my life better describes it[,]” I said with a snap of the blades.
See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 18: “It is worse a good damn[,]” I said crossly picking up the accessories and continuing to cut away his left side.
See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 19: His silence kindled me to go on. “I mean look, what are the odds of losing such a huge pot only by one number. It’s even more remarkable than having the winner [winning] ticket. What are the odds?” This question has been circling around my head since that morning and I doubted that it would stop until [for] the next twenty years or so. - The ticket would be referred to as the winning ticket, while the person would be referred to as the winner. Technically there's nothing wrong with the word until, but it just doesn't sound right.

Paragraph 20: “But you are wrong[,]” he said. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 23: “Well, it still looks statistically improbable to me.” [A]nd I yanked the comb through his hair hard enough to tilt his head just to remind him of his place. We didn’t talk any more until half the work was done. Then as I was wiping the sweat from my forehead I heard his voice [him] softly saying: “Do you want to know how farfetched the things can really get?” - Make sure to start any new sentence in caps. Either use I heard him softly saying, or I heard his voice.

Paragraph 27: “You have my word warden.” I cut the air with the scissors. “And I['ll] even make you a deal. If what you have to say is more improbable than my today’s tragedy, your haircut is on the house.” - Write I'll, not I.

Paragraph 28: He agreed, but I could see he was already regretting his decision. However[,] it was too late to retreat.
See commas setting off interjections.

Paragraph 30: I trimmed his left arch[, l]eaving the hair a little longer so that his large ears won’t [wouldn't] show. - This should be a single sentence with its two parts separated by a comma. The word "wouldn't" is used instead of "won't" to keep the tenses consistent throughout the story.

Paragraph 31: “The only interesting thing in that road was this hill, located right in the middle of the way. One [It was one] of those [hills] which are high enough to block the view of the rest of the road. Since I couldn’t see the traffic coming from the other side of it, I made up a little game. Each day as we approached that hill on our way to or from the school, I tried to predict if there was another vehicle coming up from the other side. I would have the answer when we reached the top. Some days I was wrong and some days I guessed right[,] and there were occasions were [where] for quite a few days I would predict the presence of a car on the other side with great accuracy.”
Sometimes a few extra words are necessary to add clarity to a sentence, as is the occasional comma.

Paragraph 35: “Did you give in to it?” I asked[.] - Missing end punctuation.

Paragraph 36: “Every day as I arrived at the hill I had to face my self-inflicted dare[;] I would hold my breath and my heart would beat faster but I never dared changing [change] my line [mind]. Then when I reached the top and saw miles and miles of clear road ahead, I would curse my cowardliness. But in [On] a few rare occasions when there actually was a car coming from the other side I would feel nauseated for a long time and actually forget about the whole thing for days, but…” - Because the two parts of that sentence could be written as two separate sentences, use a semi-colon as a weak period; a comma will not suffice. Based on the context, it looks like you meant "mind" when you wrote "line". While it's OK to start a sentence with a conjunction, it doesn't look right to use but as both the start and end of the sentence. Also, get rid of "actually" as it's an unnecessary adverb.

Paragraph 37: “It would always come back[,]” I finished his sentence for him. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 40: “Not sure. Probably both. Could you please wipe the sweat around my eyes? Thank you. It’s [That's] better.”
The difference isn't an obvious one, but most native speakers of the English language would use "That's better".

Paragraph 44: He coughed and continued[,] “Do you remember three years ago? We almost had the same heat wave then.”
See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 46: “That summer my father got a urinary infection. [It got so] So bad that they called us from the hospital [called us] and suggested that we would like to [should] be with him in his last days. It was the worst time of my life; I became ill myself, sitting next to him and watching his agony. Right then[,] I had a call from the governor ordering me to attend a pending execution. I explained my situation and tried to reason with him but he said that my presence was more important than the criminal himself. Finally[,] he threatened that it was either my absence or my job. - Without the change, it's unclear if the hospital called them or if they were called from within the hospital itself. You'll want to use should, because should suggests that the warden's family be with the father. The commas used for "Right then" and "Finally" would both be used as commas setting off interjections.

Paragraph 47: “When I reached the hill[,] covered in sweat, something changed in me. Don’t know what it exactly was , all I remember is that I floored the pedal and steered the car to the other line, a surprisingly easy maneuver.” - That first comma is needed to clarify that it is in fact the warden, and not the hill that is sweating. There's also an unnecessary space before "was" and the comma following it. This is likely a formatting issue. Always double check your work for unnecessary spacing or missing spacing.

Paragraph 49: “In a second my heartbeat tripled, my body was as cold as [and] rigid as ice but I kept that right foot on the pedal. Surprised [I was surprised] to see the car was capable of gaining such a velocity. I was rocketing up the hill and suddenly [when] the jagged silhouette of the far ahead mountains [suddenly] came into view, but in my frenzied state of mind I saw them as truck roofs approaching to crash me in a flash [about to crash into me]. I was looking at the face of the death but [I] still held the gas to the floor. Then I was at the hilltop… and it happened.” - I felt a couple changes where necessary hear including additions of words, or changes in where words were written. The most important change was the line about the crash. It seems like you were going for a combination of crash and crush but it doesn't sound right.

Paragraph 51: “All it took was a fraction of a second. It went [by] so fast that I even didn't [even] notice its color[, o]nly the whooshing sound and the wind that almost knocked me out of [off] the road indicated that a car had just passed me. Another driver, another person who was pulling that same stunt[ ]- driving full speed on the wrong side of the road.” - I added the word "by" and moved "even" after "didn't" because the sentence sounded a bit off. It also makes sense to combine those first two sentences. Technically you should write "It was another driver", but the reason I don't suggest the addition is that the pacing works better without adding words.

Paragraph 52: “Speaking of the probabilities[,]” He [he] shrugged[, "]what do you say now?” - Normally I wouldn't suggest using commas around an action, but because the action of shrugging clearly takes place briefly--as if it's a pause for breath between the two statements--you should use commas and a lowercase "he".

Paragraph 53: “I hope you like your free haircut[,]” I said, taking off his drape. - See punctuation for dialogue.

Paragraph 56: And the sand storm [sandstorm] swallowed him. - I like the concept of the warden disappearing into the sandstorm, but there's something lacking in the description. The basic idea is there, but it needs something more. Maybe something like this: And then the warden walked out the door, disappearing into the sandstorm.

Final Thoughts: What stands out about his story is that it is has a story within a story. The lotto ticket served as a warm up act, but the real story came when the warden revealed his tale. Without his father being sick, the warden would never have been angry enough to drive on the opposite side of the road, and would likely have died in the ensuing car crash. But without the pending pending execution he had to attend, he would never have been on that road in the first place. All the events had to play out exactly how they did for the warden's story to occur the way it did. Based on content alone, I feel this deserves a higher rating than I'm giving it. I will happily raise my rating once the corrections are applied.

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Hi Cate,

Overall Impression: This was an interesting story and approach to the prompt. When I read the lines about there being some extra zeros and the end being near, I expected Ms. Williams was going to die from an overdose. The direction you chose was a much better choice. Unintentional drugs makes a crotchety woman turn eccentric, yet fun. The personality change was drastic. The response from those around her, once they got used to it was not only acceptance, but also of preference. The accidental prescription made her a more likable person to the point where not only did the Dr. decide not to tell her of the mistake, he chose not to correct it.

Favorite Line(s): Dr. Smith began scribbling very intently. He was sure his palm didn’t slip this time. - How often does a Dr. make a mistake that ends up being a good thing? The effect of his mistake was so positive, he intentionally continued on with the mistake. The scenario presented was amusing.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Dashes - When using a dash, make sure it's not written in a way that will be confused with a hyphen. Either write them like this "X--X" or like this "X - X". Do not indicate dashes this this "X- X".
Indentation - I noticed that there are only 3 paragraphs indented throughout the story. Either indent every paragraph, or don't indent any.

Section 1
Paragraph 1: In a slip of the palm one day, Dr. Smith had written some extra zeroes on the dosage for Ms. Williams’ Zantac meds. But, even [Even] worse, he was deep in thought about her neuroticism, and had been wishing to write her some Xanax instead. Though she’d never have filled a Xantax ‘scrip[ ]- claiming she was perfectly calm & in control[ ]- Dr. Smith’s hands had slipped so very far that day as to have made that decision for her. - While there is nothing wrong with using a conjunction like "but" at the beginning of a sentence, use it only when it makes sense to do so. If "but" can be replaced with "and" at the beginning of a sentence, it is being used incorrectly. See Dashes for why the empty square brackets are used.

Paragraph 11: Not only was - The trainer, the pool boy, the Garden Party moms, the Neighborhood Association, and occasionally the PTA[ ]- though no amount of meds could really quell Ms. Williams’ fire about the so-called parents at the PTA. - See Dashes.

Section 2
Paragraph 4: “Well, I thought your concession to plant geraniums over violets was very big[ ]- we’re thinking you may want to even grow them for the sale!” - See Dashes.

Paragraph 16: “Uh… but you always said how it was there for a good reason & how we need to keep the view from the sidewalks—“ - The end quote is backwards. This is a formatting issue where the computer doesn't recognize a dash as the end of a sentence. To fix this, type in a random letter after the dash before putting in the end quote. Once that's done, delete the random letter, and you'll have the end quote facing the right direction.

Paragraph 19: “Cut off[ ]- ha! We’ll see about that[ ]- don’t think I didn’t note that you were against my suggestion at the PTA meeting that we don’t wash the graffiti! Third-graders need creative encouragement and not discouragement by washing away their artistry. You all are like the prison guards of free expression!” - See Dashes.

Paragraph 20: “I saw little Johnny Jones with a Sharpie[;] I know what he’s up to.” - Since the two parts of a sentence could be two sentences, use a semi-colon instead of a comma to connect them.

Section 3
Paragraph 1: “I’ve been using this all the time[ ]- one per day isn’t cutting it. Also, maybe a lil stronger dose.” - See Dashes.

Final Thoughts: The description throughout was solid, as were Ms. Williams' interactions with the Dr. (both times) and the other women. Offhand, I'm not sure what suggestions i would make beyond focusing on indenting and using dashes correctly.

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Hi Siren,

Overall Impression: This was certainly a unique story. From what I understood, this seemed like a creation story. The old world was either destroyed or replaced by a new world (possibly one meant to feel as old as the original or a renovation). The two entities, male and female parts of of the same being, are either gods or godlike creature with the power to create and effect change on this new world they have entered. Whatever it is that they are, there was enough separation between the two that occurred either during the destruction or updating of the old world, that She got separated from He, and forgot (in least in part) who and what she was/is.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Subtitle/Description: A mind can take you places you didn't know existed[.] - Use end punctuation for your descriptions.

Paragraph 1: "Let me out!" she cried with anxious intentions to be in the new world of the old that she had been before. - Really awkward. This is an example of when it's necessary to think outside your own head. Can you think of a way to phrase this so that it's clearer to your readers? I'm not so clear on this, but is this what you're trying to say: "Let me out!" she cried with anxious intentions to be in this new version of the old world from which she came.

Paragraph 2: She wasn't sure quite how to take it. She knew how it was in the old, but the new old was more amazing, or at least mystical. - Awkward again. Can you think of a way to phrase this so that it's clearer to your readers?

Paragraph 3: She wondered, all ready [already] reconsidering the feelings she held so deep. - I wasn't 100% sure on this, because the definitions I find don't quite fit, but based on what I'm seeing, "all ready" is used when referring to preparation, while "already" is used when referring to time. Reconsidering something sounds like a time issue as opposed to a preparation issue.

Paragraph 4: "Where is you head?" he asked, with the consern [concern] of a brother.

Paragraph 8: With pure will alone, he directs [directed] change. The sky cried tears of red from the blood shed by men of the old world they knew it as[, w]hile the earth drank its fill to quench the thirst of aged violence no longer useful. Trees grew to the heights of the clouds, puffed to the limit, ready to burst forth a new range of visionary delight. The ground opens [opened], swallowing buildings and man made ideals[, d]igesting hate and anguish, only to spew out the fertilizer it was[, t]o give birth to beauty and riches that dreams were made of before. - Make sure to keep your tenses consistent. As most of the narrative is told in past tense, you'll want to make sure it's all told that way. The 2nd and 3rd sentences should be a single sentence, as should the 5th through the end.

Paragraph 21: "Behind you, beneath, infront [in front]," he stated boldly as the the clouds engulfed her. - Two words for "in front", not one.

Paragraph 23: "I feel you, but yet, you elude my keen eyes." - Avoid using two conjunctions together. Either works fine, but the word "yet" sounds better to me.

Paragraph 25: "Then I [I'll] give you a new test for your quick learning," he whispers as he too vanishes. - Use "I'll" instead of "I".

Final Thoughts: Overall, I thought this was an interesting tale, but it's a bit rough around the edges. When writing a story like this, try to think outside your head. Ask yourself, "What can I do to make sure others will understand this story"? Do not compromise the value of your story, but try to gear it towards your readers so they will appreciate and enjoy reading it as much as you enjoyed writing it.

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Hi nimravidae,

Overall Impression: This is a really good story to start your portfolio with. That it's written almost flawlessly speaks well of your writing ability. Was the vague reference to the tortoise and the hare through the title intentional or just coincidental? Either way its well presented. I'm curious as to why hares are referred to as Great Ones. This story doesn't really take the time to go into why they are considered Great Ones and why the hunt for them is so important. The introduction of the monstrously huge flying turtle was unexpected. At first I read it a little quickly and thought you were referring to a giant bird, but the flippers made no sense. I reread it again and caught that it was a turtle. The rite of passage in general was an interesting concept. The reference to it being important in her world was something to think about. Based on the way this is written and how certain aspects of the story are laid out, it sounds as if you are intending to write a follow up story at some point.

Style and Voice: This was a very visually descriptive story. I particularly liked how the Great One exploded out of the rock, and the girl killed it instinctively. It was just so unexpected.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Paragraph 4: "Because it shows that you're brave. Stop touching those[;] they might be poisonous." - Semi-colons are used as weak periods to connect what could otherwise be two separate sentences.

Final Thoughts: Not much to add beyond what I've already said. I really am curious if there's supposed to be a follow up story or not. Keep up your style of description and character interactions, and you'll end up with a really good portfolio.

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Hi nabz,

Overall Impression: This is a pretty straightforward piece. I like that the goal(s) you set, while your own personal goal(s), seemed to focus on other writers and other people in general. You're not looking just to write for the sake of yourself, but for the sake of others around you. This letter indicates that just as you want to learn from others, you want them to learn from you as well. I think the goal of publishing at least 10 items in the span of 2 months was a bit overenthusiastic, and perhaps not the most realistic of goals. That's one new story, poem, essay, etc., every 6 days. To keep up that pace, your work is likely going to suffer if you're not used to that sort of output (and most writers aren't). Try to be realistic with your goals. Realistically, do you think you can write 60 items in the span of a year? That's not an easy task. I'm going to disagree on your statement concerning "nothing sucks". I read all the time. I assure you, there's a whole lot of poorly written material out there. If you want to say there's nothing out there that isn't salvageable, nothing that can't be turned into something good, that's more realistic (though I still say some things are beyond repair).

Least Favorite Line(s): Oh, and never forget that however original you try to be, it is not going to work! - I usually reserve this spot for favorite lines, but I couldn't let this go. No matter how original you try to be you'll never succeed? What kind of crap is that? As someone who considers himself a writer at heart, I find this line offensive. Is it difficult to come up with original material? Absolutely. There's such a wealth of written material out there (good and bad) that it's difficult, but not impossible to come up with something original. If you're going to claim there's no such thing in writing as originality, why bother writing at all? Try, try, and try again. Maybe you're story concept isn't original, but the setting is. Or your protagonist is inspired by other things you've read, but he has some unique quirk. The point is you should never demean the potential of your own work. Is it possible you might never come up with something original? Certainly, but it doesn't mean the potential isn't there.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Subtitle/Description: "Help" with a capital "H", as it begins a sentence.

Paragraph 1: This new year
Lines 2-9: You are not going to be caught slacking at anything you begin to do [start]. The new ME [me], this year, is going to publish at least ten items within the next two months. You will also do your level best to read and review more of the other Authors' [Authors'] items and rate them accordingly. This will encourage new writers also to write more and take part in writing.com's many offers. You will do your part to make the world a more literate, a more interesting place to live in, as you understand what it is like to be left in the dark. You will also drag your mom and the rest of your family to go book-shopping at least every month, this year, which is more than you accomplished last year, and review each one of them all. It doesn't have to be published on writing.com[;] you can even have it on paper just for you to read when you feel like it. - The first sentence is a little awkward; use the word "start". Unless you want to indicate you're emphasizing a word by shouting, use italics instead of writing "ME" in full caps. No apostrophe after "Authors", lose "also", "a", and "all", and use a semi-colon where indicated.

Lines 10-11: make [Make] sure that all of your ideas for all of your items comes straight from your heart. try [Try] to think up interesting plots for all of your creative writing items. - Begin sentences with caps.

Paragraph 2: Do not be
Lines 1-2: The only difference is that this in [is] writing! - Typo

Lines 4-5: try [Try] it, I will bet you,[]it is going to work out better than you expected. - Start all new sentences with capital letters. The missing space between the comma and it is likely a formatting issues. Always double check anything you post for missing or extra spaces.

Lines 7-8: Secondly, you do not know how many readers you are about to cater to, and you can't possibly cater to each of your readers' [readers] tastes all in one piece. - "Readers" is already plural, no apostrophe necessary.

Paragraph 4: Me in 2011
Lines 2-4: Remember, what makes a writer[ ]a good writer is the fact that he helps another find his or her way along the right path, no matter what. Also, please note, that[ ]by helping others, you end up learning something new too and thereby improving your own skills in writing! Isn't that cool? Oh, and if you have time[,] try to write a book filled with all of life's weirdest characters and publish it! - Get rid of the commas and add commas where indicated.

Lines 7-9: Remember, lots of people get caught up in their grown up lives and forget what it is like to be a child again. So be as creative as you can and remind them by writing this book. Do it for you. Do it for the grown up [grownup] world that need to be reminded of their childhood! - The word "again" is unnecessary here, and "grownup" should be one word.

Paragraph 5: Just in case
Lines 1-2: If anyone tells you that you are over weight [overweight], take their advice and work on it. - The word "overweight" is one word.

Lines 3-4: That is a vital point that may [will] help in making you a better writer. - If something like dedication is vital, I think you need a stronger word than "may". The word "may" implies it's most likely dedication will help, but it's possible it won't, whereas "will" doesn't leave that room for doubt.

Final Thoughts: Overall, I thought this was a good piece. Though that line about originality in writing not being possible (even if you're saying it about just yourself and not others) bothers me. Part of what makes writing enjoyable is the thought that maybe, just maybe you can create something exciting and new. Lose the ability to believe that, and you're likely to paint yourself into a corner. Don't aim for being a hack writer, aim for being the real thing.

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