Hey Sorcha, Godless is well written. There is great description here. The reader is given a strong sense of the rock god and his crowd. Most of the mistakes I've pointed out are either missing punctuation, missing words, or misspelled words. I use brackets [ ], to indicate where something is missing, and curly brackets { }, to indicate when something should be removed.
“It soared into the starless night sky[,] and sank into the earth, shaking the ground with its strength.”
I really like your use of alliteration. Wonderful Imagery.
“It was the driving force that enticed thousands of bodies into movement and voices break into song.”
This is awkwardly phrased. I'm not certain what you're trying to say here. Do you mean:
--It was the driving force that enticed thousands of bodies into movement and voices that break into song.--
'thounderous' - correct spelling: thunderous. 'strobbing' - correct spelling: strobing.
"He stood in shadow on the edge of the stage, a dark figure briefly illuminated[,] only to be hidden again by teasing laser lights."
"The focus of thousands {of pairs} of eyes hit like a physical blow."
Nicely described. My issue with the original was that, 'of thousands of pairs of eyes', sounds incredibly awkward.
"There wasn't anything on this earth that could compare, nothing would ever come close[,] to the magnificance of this moment."
"The crowd went wild, the guitars exploded into a complex rhythm[,] and the lights blasted to reveal the stage to the eager masses."
I add a comma before 'and' in this sentence, and others like it, because of the interrupter. An interrupter is a word, phrase, or clause that significantly breaks the flow of a sentence.
"His heart went berserk, [like] a crazed bird trapped inside the cage that was his ribs, threatening to burst through {the wall of} his chest."
"They worshipped him. Paid tribute to see him, to bask in his voice and body."
--They worshiped him and paid tribute to see him, to bask in his voice and body.--
The second sentence reads as a fragment sentence until it is combined with the previous sentence.
"Fans travelled from all over the world to be at his altar that was the stage."
--Fans traveled from all over the world to be at the stage that was his altar.
[They] "sang his verses and cried out his name."
"Their chanting like prayers, empowering him and allowing their god to answer with his voice."
--Their chant-like prayers empowered him, allowing their god to answer with his voice.--
The original is awkwardly phrased.
"The lights went out, faces and limbs disappearing in the darkness."
--As the lights went out, faces and limbs disappeared in the darkness.--
"Sweat coated his pale skin, blood oozed from the paths his fingernails took on his torso."
--Sweat coated his pale skin. Blood oozed as he raked his fingernails along his torso.--
'Raked' gives a much stronger image than 'paths'.
"It transformed into a shadowed monster lurking in the night."
'Into', when used as one word is a literal or figurative entrance. Because the crowd is becoming like a monster, and they are not entering the monster, the correct usage is 'in to.'
"He was not a man of thought or action, but a puppet on a string."
Love the visual here. :)
"A thin string that threatend to snap at any moment by the roaring beast, and he would collapse before it and be devoured.
--He was a thin string, that could snap at any moment, by the threat of the roaring beast. If he collapsed, it would devour him.--
The original phrasing is awkward.
"The lights brightened, the beast disappeared[,] and in its place stood thousands."
"Faces emerged, drenched in sweat and eyes wide with excitement."
"Faces emerged, drenched in sweat[,] and wide eyed with excitement."
"The roar dissolved into individual voices, cries of his name[,] and pleas for more."
The roar is becoming voices. As it is not literally or figuratively entering the voices, you would write 'in to'.
"He stood before them. No longer a god, but a dirty, used husk."
--He stood before them, no longer a god, but a dirty used husk."
Nice visual, but phrased poorly.
"He leaned onto a wall for support,"
"Onto" is only one word if up can be added before it.
"A heavy hand touched his shoulder[,] and he flinched away."
"The ball of nausea became insistint, forcing a gag from his parched lips."
--The ball of nausea came instantly, forcing a gag from his parched lips.--
"His vocal chords felt raw and throbbed with pain, his skin felt cold and clammy[,] but heat still broiled his insides."
"He leaned away from the toilet, rested his back against the stall[,] and allowed his head to hang between his knees."
"The drummer's exotic eyes were framed in black eyeliner, black hair glist[e]ned in the florescent light and clung to the sweat on his forehead.
"Ren leaned against the stall door in elegeant non chalance, "You going to live?" he asked. He nodded in answer."
--Ren leaned against the stall door in elegeant non chalance, "You going to live?" he asked. Alex nodded in answer."
While I understand the first he is Ren, and the second he is Alex, this is still phrased incorrectly. It is not obvious from the context who the second he is. Additionally, the correct spelling of 'non chalance' is nonchalance.
"I won't be su[r]prised if one of these days you give yourself a heart attack on stage."
"Alex hung his head, reached for the stall door with one hand to close it once again. This time locking it."
--Alex hung his head, and reached for the stall door with one hand to close it. This time he locked it.--
Conciseness of language is very important in writing. The second sentence says 'This time locking it," so there's no reason to say, 'once again," in the previous sentence.
"He rested his arms on his knees, head on his hands[,] and had his first thought in a long while.
Overall, this is a pretty solid story. The real issues are spelling and punctuation mistakes. I cannot stress enough the importance of self-editing. If you are not 100% sure of spelling, the web is great for checking for mistakes. Try to familiarize yourself with the concept of interrupters. While interrupters are not the only reasons you would use a comma before 'and' or 'but', if you focus on this rule, you'll have significantly less grammatical errors. If you have any questions about my review, I'd be happy to answer them.
Keep writing,
Lightbringer
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