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The purpose of my reviews is always to be as helpful as possible. I can't promise that I'll like what you have written or that you'll like what I have to say, but I try to be respectful and encouraging as well as critical.
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Unless otherwise requested, I'm picky (grammar, cliches, and meter in poetry). Characters and writing style take a lot to impress me.
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Sci-fi (apocalypse, post-apocalypse, dystopian, zombie), mystery, war, inspirational, historical fiction, Christian, non-fiction, contemporary, drama, comedy
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Poetry, short stories, non-fiction, novels
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51
51
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* Greetings, Dan O'Shanter *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to Writing.Com from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Bend Over (revised version) *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

This free verse poem describes the movements of the sea and the moon as lovers, and explores a deep and somewhat steamy relationship between the two with a goldmine of imagery, a beautiful portrayal of nature and exquisite emotion -- almost undefinable.

*Mic* Devices & Content: *Fan*

I love the imagery! The words create such vivid glimpses of the scene, and instead of describing it outright ("the waves were furling and unfurling like scrolls" or "the caravel left a wake") you just drop them in, mentioning them in passing as if it's the most natural thing in the world. That's style. *Wink*

The personification deeply enriches the narrative. The moon and sea as lovers is not an uncommon comparison but you certainly presented it in a way that excelled any other I've read. So nice work. *Thumbsup*

*Buttonforward* Motion & Emotion: *Film*

The repetition very effectively gives the poem an ebbing and flowing atmosphere. This made me feel the poem from head to toe. Subconsciously, I was standing on the share gazing out to sea.

I like it how you use the senses to paint the picture, although I would like more (taste? touch? smell?).

Another factor of your poem that I enjoy is how every time I read over it I get more out of it. I like studying poetry, not just reading it, so this one suits me well. There's enough ambiguity in it that I don't "get it" entirely the first time, but the more I examine it the more I understand it -- and it is understandable, unlike many modern poems that go for more ambiguity than the reader can handle.

Oh, and did I notice you introduce a touch of jealousy with mention of the sun towards the end? *Wink* You haven't left a stone of love unturned! Every aspect is explored.

*Nuclear* Quirks & Qualities: *Key*

There is an epic feeling to this poem, as if you are telling the reader of a secret, a story that no one has heard before.

As I said before, I think the strength of your poem is the imagery. Breath-taking. *Starb*

Every line had a moment to shine, but there were some lines that stood out as my favourites:

Path of light across the sea *Right* This is a lovely way to open the poem. I can just see the light wafting out from the moon across the oily surface of the water.

moon-voyager, restless planet *Right* I have always seen the moon and the sea as having a special connection, the way the moon controls the tides. It seems to guide the ocean. (And seeing as these are my two favourite parts of nature, along with clouds, I am somewhat biased towards them, perhaps a reason why I love this poem so much. *Smile*) The moon and sea never fail to make me feel restless and lonely, like a wanderer, a ship lost at sea. This line brought that out once more.

following all its bends *Right* Bends of the sea... I had never thought of it that way, but it's true how water curves.

paying tolls of pearl and salt,
paying tolls of breath and blood.
*Right* Amazing contrasts! And the idea of "tolls", offerings, taxes. A fascinating perspective.

furl like the waves, then unfurl
in endless scrolls of salt.
*Right* These are my favourite of all! The waves furling and unfurling like scrolls, and what's more, scrolls of salt. Mmmm...delicious, vivid, haunting. I can't get over these lines. Incredible!

the hollows and swells of the sky *Right* You really don't hesitate to make everything 3D by painting with the brush of perspective, do you? "Hollows and swells" is a beautiful turn of phrase. I love it.

who goes before you *Right* The sun prepares the way, lays the red carpet down, clears the skies and leaves a trail of light for the moon. See how much I can imagine from four simple words? *Laugh*

through endless cloud-countries *Right* Worlds above us, countries in the clouds. Hints at infinity, as nature always runs its course. It makes me wonder if this pattern will ever come to an end, as your poem is about to.

now stained with blood and wine *Right* I instantly saw sunset. Wow, you really blow me away! (And I think I just about copied and pasted every line of your poem into my "favourite lines" section! *Laugh* Sorry. *Blush*)

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

I recommend you enter this poem in a contest such as "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest I think it would be a winner. However, you would have to remove the section of prose at the end. And I have something to say about that, too:

My main problem with this piece is the body of text below the poem. You go on in heavily purple prose and I feel like this doesn't add anything to the poem that hasn't been said already. In fact, I feel like it let the poem down, as if you as the author are intruding with your voice into a passionate love story that has already told itself hoping for the last word. It seems unfair and out of place. I advise removing this altogether, or perhaps placing it in another item as a separate piece of prose. It's nice prose, but it just doesn't do the poem justice. This is the only reason I have not given your poem a 5-star rating.

Some other small suggestions:

Line two seems too long. Consider splitting it in two or removing "sphere of light", since that doesn't really hold to the standard of the other phrases. And speaking of light:

The word "light" is repeated five times. That seems a bit excessive, and I'm sure your vocabulary is large enough (or your Thesaurus within arm's reach! *Laugh*) to find other words with more variety and precision to describe light.

following the curving highway the tides mark *Right* "the tides mark" seemed clumsy to me. Perhaps it would sound better if you rearranged it to following the curving highway marked by the tides or something?

in that caravel's wake *Right* I didn't know what a caravel is and had to look the word up. Other readers might find it the same. Could you add a footnote with a definition?

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Overall, a wonderful read and I'm glad I came across it. *Smile* Thanks for sharing your work with a community. I am now your fan and look forward to reading more. Please write more poems like this! :-[

I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, and I hope you find my feedback useful and encouraging. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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52
52
Review of Three winds  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Greetings, Dan O'Shanter *Penbl*

*Balloonb* Welcome to Writing.Com from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *Balloonb*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Three winds, which I found on the Newbie Works List  . *Infob* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

These are very atmospheric verses and the images you conjure up are vivid, clear, pure and emotionally stirring.

*Mic* Devices & Content: *Fan*

There's a strong use of personification and some subtle assonance with the "w" sound, and even a touch of oxymoron with the lines "wind's bright shadow / illumines". These conventions are effective in creating tone and forming pictures with words.

The first poem or part describes geese in quite a flattering manner! *Laugh* I'm not sure if many would agree with the sentimental portrayal, but although it seems to fit more with the description of swans it's nice to read a different perspective of a creature many find crude and loud and not at all elegant. You have reminded me of the value of every animal on our earth, regardless of how we as humans feel towards them personally. *Smile*

*Buttonforward* Emotion & Flow: *Film*

Wistful and misty, and words such as "gusting", "wild", "grey", "shadow" and "dusk" even make it ominous. I felt a little suspenseful.

At first I didn't understand the "thematic" link you mention in the brief description, but I soon noticed the repetition of wind (duh, considering the title *Rolleyes* *Laugh*) and realised how it carries through. Clever! :-[ I like it how the wind blows through the poem. Each verse shows the wind through a different lens, from a different angle - nature, mythology, dark and inspirational.

*Nuclear* Qualities: *Key*

I noticed how carefully you have chosen your words. The haiku form requires the writer to be somewhat economical, so in that way it is quite challenging. I think you have done well in forming beautiful images in so few words, making every word count, and even giving new meaning to some words.

I absolutely love the line: through a wind-grey dawn. *Starb* Wow! Such a rich and haunting phrase, wind-grey. Powerfully evocative.

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

I had a handful of suggestions after the first read (I misread "haikai" as "haiku" and had a lot to say about that! *Laugh*), but once I studied your poem further I soon understood it better.

I'm still debating over whether or not to recommend splitting each poem into a separate item. Each has a different picture to paint, a different meaning and part of me feels like each deserves its own private space to be read, studied and appreciated. (Also, this would help you get more reviews.) But on the other hand, that thematic link is half the beauty of it. So in the end I think it's best to leave everything as is.

I would like to find out more about "Dormarth". You can afford to explain more in your footnotes about this Welsh myth (even include an image?), especially if it helps the reader understand your poem more deeply. I really wanted to know more.

I'm not a great fan of "perspective-less". It isn't really a word, and the line break halted the flow of the poem rather abruptly. Could you try another word(s), such as "shapeless" or "without perspective", just so the poem is easier to read and flows smoothly?

Otherwise, I'm sorry that my suggestions have been so unhelpful. It just proves how well you have written this work if I have nothing more to say in this section. *Wink*

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thank you for sharing your work with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, and hope you find my feedback encouraging. *Smile* Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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53
53
Review of Symbols  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon *Penbl*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Symbols, as part of the package Ren the Klutz! gifted you from "Genre Auction and Fundraiser *Info* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

This is a beautiful and somewhat uplifting tribute to servicemen and servicewomen all over the world, both living and dead. I like the poem's rhythmic quality. Although some of the stresses land on syllables that aren't usually stressed, I didn't mind so much and mostly found it easy to read. A nice, gentle flow and a clean structure give it a clear message and a certain appeal.

*Mic* Devices & Content: *Fan*

Symbolism is perhaps the featured poetic device (well, obviously! *Laugh*). I like it how you create images in my mind of the flag without really describing it but describing instead what it means. Kind of back-to-front, and it works. *Smile* A touch of assonance and repetition are effectively used as well.

The message is one of sympathy for those who have lost loved ones in war, pride in the nation and hope for the future. It's interesting how you describe a scene around a graveside and yet fill it with such hope and quietude. I was not expecting such a pleasant portrayal of a soldier's sacrifice, and although anyone's death, especially a serviceman's, is tragedy, we should also honour and respect them by moving on with our lives and appreciating the freedom they have brought.

*Buttonforward* Emotion & Flow: *Film*

The reason I have given a 4.5 star rating instead of 5 (although I was very tempted) is because I didn't feel a personal connection as I would like to have. I appreciate the message and admire your skill in forming a beautiful work in such strict adherence to structure. It's difficult to draw a parallel between meaning and feeling. Same with writing a novel. Sometimes we as writers get focused on the bigger picture and forget to...I don't know, connect more with the reader through the small things, I guess. What I'm trying to say is that emotion and theme need to work together instead of outshining each other. Balance. And here it just felt a little too theme-emphasised, especially with the third person POV. Unfortunately, I can't offer any suggestions for how to improve it in this area, except perhaps to replace "they" with "we" when referring to loved ones? This could give it more of an inside looking out tone rather than an outside looking in. Just a thought.

*Nuclear* Qualities: *Key*

My favourite part of the poem is the last stanza. I especially like the first three lines,
In time, the grief will dissipate
for life goes on; it doesn't wait
but memories will never end


These are particularly powerful to me because, out of all the poem, these spoke to me best. They are universal truths,

The flow of your poem is its strength and I think you have done really well keeping to the structure so consistently, from beginning to end. It's not easy, I know, so kudos to you. *Smile*

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

There are eight syllables per line, except in some places where this did not remain consistent, especially in some of the stanzas' last line. Let me offer some suggestions:

with futures that are planned *Right* This line only contains six syllables, and I can't help feeling like "that are" is just a fill in. These are two weak words that could be replaced with words that would positively influence the poem instead of remaining neutral. There are limitless possibilities: with futures they have planned, with futures they have dreamed and planned, with ready futures they have planned (any word can be placed in there instead of "ready"; you could consider "hopeful", "brilliant", "happy", etc.).

will replace their warmth with cold *Right* My most natural remedy (ha! that sounds like an ad for some beauty concoction *Laugh*) for the inconsistent rhythm is replacing warmth with cold or replacing all their warmth with cold.

offers small comfort for their grief *Right* The problem here seems to be in the word "offers". Reshuffled or one syllable less and I'm sure it'll be a winner: small comfort offers for their grief or gives small comfort for their grief.

that the cause they served was just *Right* Here you could place another one syllable word between "that" and "the", otherwise I'm not sure if the rhythm could be straightened. Let's see... that yes, the cause they served was just or maybe the cause they served was good and just or something.

And a final suggestion concerning punctuation: the last stanza is a little confusing because some of the punctuation doesn't quite make sense grammatically. I suggest replacing the semicolon with a comma or hyphen, then placing some kind of punctuation, such as a comma or semicolon, at the end of that line (2).

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

I love that last line, as well. A beautiful way of fitting America's motto in, giving it new perspective and resolving the poem. *Thumbsup*

A good write, as usual, Ken. I have enjoyed reading, studying and reviewing this poem and I look forward to spending more time in your port among your masterful works.

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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54
54
Review of Heartbreak  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Greetings, purplecrazzy *Penbl*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Heartbreak I see you are new around here. Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time on this site as much as I have. It's definitely the place to be. *Thumbsup*

*Infobr* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

O, I'm always in for a poem that begins with "O"! *Laugh* I am instantly raised to the heights of insanely indulgent poetic despair. This poem was a real reward for my hunt through the "Read A Newbie"   page for good poetry. I like this piece! You've certainly got the emotion and the imagery to pull it off, although there are one or two other areas that could do with some work.

*Fan* Devices & Content: *Mic*

Nice use of simile and metaphor. *Thumbsup* I would have loved to see some more poetic devices, such as assonance and consonance (plenty of room for them! :-[).

I believe that real, dedicated love lasts, but I am also willing to play around with the idea that it doesn't. Maybe all things on this earth are volatile. As long as we are limited to this earth, we are volatile and all that we feel is, too. Nothing lasts forever. But what if we were eternal? Then I believe we are eternal.

I can sympathise with the despair and sorrow and lament. It's a dark but not entirely depressing tone. It rubs my romantic, dramatic side. *Smile*

*Buttonforward* Emotion & Flow: *Film*

That last line broke my heart. *Cry* Such depths of emotion I was not expecting. I really felt your pain in every line. You brought it across acutely. Well done in sharing your torment (and making it enjoyable!)! *Laugh* *Thumbsup*

*Nuclear* Qualities: *Key*

I love the repetition of "O" and "Till". This gives it a rhythmic, chanting sort of effect, almost an ebb and pulse. Like a heartbeat, like waves that come and go, reminding us that love is temporary. Like a lament in the wind. Just good oral effects in general. It also has a song-like essence. Reminds me a little of songs by Passenger, Ed Sheeran, Gabrielle Aplin, Bear's Den and Kodaline. You know, the Indie Folk genre (which I'm crazy about :-[). Also a Shakespearean sound as well -- I think it reminds me of Shakespeare because it appears a bit like the sonnet form, although it doesn't rhyme...which I wish it did. That would be the icing on the cake for me.

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

Please remove the spacing between the lines! It is unnecessary and kept pulling me out of the dense atmosphere. *Frown* It'll look visually stunning all packed together without the line spacing. :-[

Consider reworking some of the punctuation as well, since some of it doesn't help the flow or emphasis as it could (start by removing commas after "black rose" and "above").

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! :-[

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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55
55
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Reading* Greetings, J'nell *Penbl*

I am here with a review of your poem, "You are Your Greatest Star I see you are new around here. Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time on this site as much as I have. It's definitely the place to be. *Thumbsup*

*Infobr* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

What a beautiful poem to give your daughter! *Delight* I'm sure she was proud of you and very much encouraged when she read this poem. *Heart* It is filled with such fantastic advice, which every mother should give her daughter. Your words are so uplifting. Pure magic. *Star* (Forgive a humble outside observer for getting so excited! :-[)

*Fan* Devices & Content: *Mic*

The richness of this poem is the advice it is full of, but not only that, it's the background story (which makes sense after reading the brief description) that tells of the mother's relationship with her daughter. I really like how that shows through. It also contains a lot of imagery and metaphor that make it bubble over with optimism and positivity, and plenty to think about!

*Buttonforward* Emotion & Flow: *Film*

I can hear a little bit of sadness and annoyance, as a mother would naturally feel when her daughter's audition is overlooked (emotions directed at the judges, not at her daughter), and this shows the depth of love and devotion of this mother for her child. No matter what, a mother is always there for us. I feel that this poem is celebrating motherhood, family, success and life. I felt every strain of exuberance and every burst of joyful anticipation of what the future holds for your talented and determined daughter. *Smile*

*Nuclear* Qualities: *Key*

As I said above, I think the quality of this poem is (despite the truth and preciousness of the advice, which gives me a lot to think about) how it shows the relationship between this mother and her daughter. *Smile*

Particular parts that stood out were:

*Starbl* One line, one line, *Right* A strong rhythmic opening line.

*Starbl* Your personal best needs no judge. *Right* This line rings particularly true. I think it is the core point of your poem.

*Starbl* Politics, red tape, cajoling your foe. *Right* All of these things try to stop us. I like it how you pinpoint them.

*Starbl* Just shining your spirit, *Right* A shining spirit. This is an excellent way of describing it!

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

As a poem it could do with a little work. I think more structure would help it flow. At the moment it feels a little fragmented. If you worked the couplets and lines into even stanzas with a symmetrical meter and rhyme pattern, I think this poem would reach its full potential. *Smile*

The punctuation needs some editing. There are a lot of full stops and commas in here. Too many periods make the read too choppy. Use punctuation carefully, sparsely, for emphasis. Poetry should flow.

Some typos I noticed:

Where ever should be Wherever.

self rewarding should be self-rewarding.

Your the greatest star...... should be You're the greatest star...

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thanks for sharing your work with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! :-[

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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56
56
Review of Green Skies  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Reading* Greetings, Somtymes *Penbl*

I am here with a review of your poem, "Green Skies I see you are new around here. Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time on this site as much as I have. It's definitely the place to be. *Thumbsup*

*Infobr* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Globe* Overall: *Bookopen*

This is a very well-written poem! Although short, it is powerful. I like how fast-paced it is and how you use so many action verbs. It creates a real sense of motion, and I felt every bit of the tornado. Terrific! *Thumbsup*

*Fan* Devices & Content: *Mic*

Definitely a lot of imagery and stark personification, with the sky having "fingers" and "hair".

*Buttonforward* Emotion & Flow: *Film*

You stretched me out and made me feel terrified. It was actually a riveting experience, and flowed so well with all the verbs ending in ing. I also really like the shape. It looks cool on the page. *Smile*

*Nuclear* Qualities: *Key*

Definitely the personality you give the storm and the absolute inevitability of its nature.

*Gears* Suggestions: *Idea*

My only suggestion would be to shorten the middle line by moving half of it down into a new line or removing some words, but maybe not. It's rushed, and that's how it's supposed to be. All squished into a short space, almost painful to read. If it was a perfect world, I would stop the line at "churning", but then I'm not sure what you'd do with the two words that follow. It would be sad to change the shape of the poem by moving them down into a new line, yet you don't want to get rid of them altogether. Have a think about it, and only do what you're comfortable with (your poem after all *Wink*). That's the only thing that didn't quite sit right with me.

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

An excellent poem! *Delight* It's great to come across little gems like this so unexpectedly. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! *Starbl*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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57
57
Review of The Storm  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)

I am here with a review of your poem, "The Storm I see you are new around here. Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time on this site as much as I have. It's definitely the place to be. *Thumbsup*

*Infobr* Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback. *Smile*

*Bookopen* Thoughts: *Dialog*

Great words you use here to paint a picture of a tree suffering in a storm. The personification was effective and some of the lines are good, although I'm struggling to find much emotional reaction or personal connection to the poem. It's nice as it is, but I think with a little bit of work you can make it very good.

My advice is to go all-out, to explore and experiment, because I feel like you're limiting yourself. Don't be afraid to write a poem the length of a page, or a few. Just free write and get it all out on paper. Then try to refine it. Go digging around in your Thesaurus for words that you could use to describe a storm. Smooth out the lines, creating rhythm and even rhyme, if you're daring.

At the moment it feels a little bit like...just a statement. A fact, and that's that. And facts aren't poems, are they? *Smile* Try to focus on the most important elements of a poem: metaphor, imagery, simile, personification (you got that one down!), assonance, consonance, oxymoron. Mix them all up in there. Address every angle of the storm. Play with my senses. Exhaust my imagination. I want to feel this from head to toe.

My only practical suggestion how the first few lines there are a lot of instances of the word "the", which is distracting. Also, the sentences don't vary much in shape. Rearrange the wording in sentences to keep them interesting. If you do this, your reader won't even notice they're reading. With that in mind, take a look at the sentences you just read in this paragraph. Do you see how they are all different? None start or finish the same, and the punctuation gives little breaks for a fresh breath.

On the other hand, there are little bits I quite like:

I like the line The cool air coming underfoot. This was sweet with anticipation and perfectly describes that feeling of chill creeping into the bones. *Thumbsup*

Dark and oppressive. *Right* I like it how you create ominousness and suspense in this line. If you magnified and multiplied it by about three or four, it would really expand the poem and help bring it up to its full potential.

Barreling forward *Right* Stubbornness, clumsiness. The clouds come alive, but just make these lines slightly longer and give them each time to voice their perspective. Mark them out and make them individual.

Ready to strike. *Right* I see what you did there. Creating more character in the storm. Like a battle between the weather and the tree. The sky and the earth. Nice. Why not bring out more of that? Make this the focus of your poem, like a war between two great forces, one harassing and destroying, the other growing and enduring. I like it. Please bring this out more!

You broke out of the rigidity towards the end a bit and use more words that involved motion ("barreling", "bending", "swaying"). I think this is the trick to making your poem more gripping and vivid. More motion, more description. I just want to encourage you to not be afraid of describing every smallest detail because I think this poem could be quite something once it loses its stagnancy. Little bits in there gave me the shivers, and that was good, so give me more! :-[

*Tack* Conclusion: *Hourglass*

Thank you for sharing your work. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it and I hope you find my comments useful. Let me know if you make revisions and I will be more than happy to offer another review, or feel free to ask if you need any more help with this poem. *Heart*

*Peace2* Fi

*Lightning* Write On! *Lightning*

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58
58
Review of Inevitable  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
GREETINGS, April Desiree-I'm back! *Penbl*
I am here with a review of your poem, "Inevitable
Congratulations on your second place win in "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest! *Starbr*
Please keep in mind that the following comments are only my opinion as your poetry mentor, a friend and fellow writer, and are offered in respect for your work and with the intention of constructive feedback and encouragement.

*Globe2* OVERALL IMPRESSION: I am impressed! This is certainly a winner to me, and well worthy of its recognition. The perspective is fresh, as a tornado and other weather disasters personified. I really like it how you've given the tornado shape and will and feeling. It's almost a disclaimer behind the disaster, an apology behind the tragedy. Yet there is still a stubbornness. Weather is weather. It cannot be stopped or altered. Then in the last stanza the tone changes, swells, grows to a greater power, hinting that tornadoes and other natural disasters are merely Death's disguises...and death will come for us all, eventually.

It's interesting how the poem develops, as death's disguise is slowly peeled away with each verse, which together are presented in a visually appealing layout on the page, a way that subtly adds movement and progression. *Thumbsup*

Your choice of words is exquisite. I love that word "bastardizing" in the second line because it's really jarring and sudden, just like a natural disaster would be. Then in the second stanza "undulating", "acid" and "bosom" are all unique words that lend a lyrical, ebbing flow to the overall. It's like the water gathering momentum into a flood. Also, "omnipresent" is a ripper! In its own line it was really ominous and shivery. Love it!

I feel like it all culminates in the last verse, which is my personal favourite. An excellent touch on the mythical with the mention of Thanatos, which I didn't know anything about until I looked it up: "the death instinct". I had never heard of Thanatos before and I'm glad I learned it. What a great concept! I might even make a note of it to use myself sometime. *Smile*

And that last line! Ooh, the atmosphere, the haunting, the tragedy! Such a tease. I love it. Great work overall, April. Nice imagery, personification and metaphor. There's a lot packed in here and it's compelling to study. *Thumbsup*

*Lightning* FAVOURITE LINES: Difficult choices! I love the second and last lines; they are probably my favourite, but I'd also like to point out some other stunners:

and showering down acid raindrops *Right* "acid raindrops". Not literally but metaphorically speaking. Instantly invokes an underlying current of danger, pain, fear.

glimpsing into your soul. *Right* This made me wonder...what does the lightning see in our souls? I think my answer is fear. At core, we are afraid. We are lonely. We are left behind. And the lightning creates, sees and understands those feelings. Again, fantastic use of personification, as if lightning is death's eyes. Wow, the more I think about that, the more I like it.

claiming every last one of you,
sparing none.
*Right* Ugh! Merciless and impartial. You don't let any of us escape your message, do you? This line says, "Listen, because what I have to say applies just as much to you as to the person next to you." Gets rid of the subconscious "third person" with which we learn everything. "Oh," we think, "they need to hear this, not me!" But no, not here and now. Ouch.

to cleanse it all;
to start anew
in the hereafter.
*Right* And now Death tries to justify himself! The circle of life. Here he "starts anew" and makes his destruction seem good. Treacherous. Yet, there is a degree of truth in these words. Tear things down to build up new ones.

embodying everything and a black rose upon your lips *Right* These are two other lines that I really love, although it's highly difficult to choose anything from the last stanza, since I'm in love with its entirety. *Inlove*

*Gears* SUGGESTIONS: My only suggestions concern punctuation. Overall your grammar and syntax is flawless, but there were two places where I noticed unusual breaks in the flow:

to cleanse it all;
to start anew
*Right* I think you should replace the semicolon with a comma. I understand that you don't want to overuse the comma, as it's so easy to do in poetry, and good on you for being aware of this. Only, "to start anew" really wants to flow on directly from "to cleanse it all".

I am Thanatos, after all;
a black rose upon your lips,
*Right* This one you could almost get away with, but at the same time, although I like the pause in the middle of the stanza, you don't want to interrupt the flow. So I think this is more a personal preference. Just an idea. Give it a thought. *Smile*

*Note* CONCLUSION: I have really enjoyed reading and mulling over this poem. It has a lot of beautiful imagery and is excellent as a poem, but I also really like the theme you've chosen and the thoughts you convey. Original, dramatic but also very true. There's a lot in there that challenged my perspective on life and death. So thank you for sharing, and keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your poems. *Smile*

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Lightning* WRITE ON! *Lightning*

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Review of The Other Woman  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Greetings, Nikola~Loving Her Gracie Girl! *Smile* I am here with a review of your poem, "The Other Woman Please remember the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet, and are offered in respect for your work with the intention of encouragement and constructive feedback.

*Globe2* OVERALL IMPRESSION: Aw! *Frown* Such a sad poem. But I wasn't disappointed!

I like the way you build suspense. From the very first line I knew something bad or unexpected was coming. People who have "everything in its place" tend to discover that things can't always be kept in place. You quickly establish a natural atmosphere of Christmas, with holly berries, evergreen and mistletoe, and of happiness and anticipation with words such as "anticipation" (obviously! *Laugh*), "special", "attracted", "wish" ("granted"), "breathlessly", "promised", "joyful" and "adorned".

I didn't even notice the structure, whether or not it was traditional form or free verse, and it didn't seem to matter. The imagery and feeling makes it poetry. The reliance of a poet on her ability to sustain herself without the crutch of structure (a gift many of us miss out on! :-[). Well done. *Thumbsup*

The middle stanza particularly appealed to me. By breaking the pattern of four-line stanzas, you are also breaking up what happened in the preceding lines. With the words "ten, eleven, twelve", split as they are into separate lines, I could feel from head to toe the disappointment striking away the cheerful mood, the loud and irritating tick of the clock, a constant reminder of "his" absence, and enough suspense to kill! Clever emphasis on the passing time by using a simple detail such as the clock to portray that. For some reason those lines had real power and emphasis. It was almost the climax of the poem.

There is a beautiful use of simile and metaphor, a subdued sort of mood and draining of hope, in the fourth stanza. This is where your inner poet overcomes the storyteller. You won my confidence in your skill here.

In the fifth stanza everything happens so quickly, and I almost felt there wasn't enough stress on the emotion of the revelation that *spoiler alert* he was dead. But this is the way it would be. This is how it always happens in life. The shock, the trauma, and then some...disconnected thought process that leave you guilty and confused on top of the overwhelming grief.

But in the last line, separated from the rest, you just pour so much emotion into it that I was left with a lump in my throat and no doubt that the last stanza was just right. The last line is the punchline, and it's not a joke. The message burst through here and the whole poem seemed to come together in a final and fatal stroke. That's when the title and brief description made sense. (Love that. *Smile*)

Great twist! You've taken the concept of a woman stealing a man's love from another woman and changed it to a woman stealing a man's life from another woman. I love reading something new and original, and this poem is no exception...or should I say, this poem is an exception to something old and cliche. In other words, exceptional. :-[

*Lightning* FAVOURITE LINES: Of all the lines, the one that stood out to me the most was: [the butterflies] in her stomach had stilled their wings. Stunning! *Inlove* I have never come across that phrase before and if you made it up, kudos to you! (But if you didn't, then my heart is broken. :-[)

All of the lines in that stanza are lovely. Her dreams were dying along with / the embers in the fireplace. Exquisite metaphor.

That last line is great as well. *Wink*

*Gears* SUGGESTIONS: Hmm... *scratches head* Okay, one or two tiny practical suggestions:

She had been attracted to him from first smile. *Right* "from first smile" doesn't flow very well. What about "from his first smile" or "from the first smile" or "from the first smile exchanged".

She was breathlessly awaiting his promised visit.
Joyful that her prayers were answered at last.
*Right* For this to be grammatically correct, replace the period after "visit" with a comma and change "Joyful" to "joyful". Also, I'm not sure if the two spaces between the end of this stanza and the next stanza are necessary. It makes the poem feel a little disjointed. I think you should save your disjointedness for when everything deliberately falls to pieces with the ticking clock in the third stanza.

*Note* CONCLUSION: All right, that's it from me. You can get back to whatever useful things you were doing before I so rudely interrupted you with my ramblings. :-[ Thanks for sharing your work with the community. *Smile* It has been a pleasure to read and review your poem and I hope you find my feedback helpful in some way. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Lightning* WRITE ON! *Lightning*

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Review of AWAITING  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi O'Donovan *Smile* I see you are new around here! Welcome to Writing.Com. *Quill* I hope you enjoy your time on this wonderful site as much as I have. This review of your poem, "AWAITING, is offered in respect for your work with the intention of constructive feedback and encouragement. Please remember the following comments are only my opinion as a fellow reader, writer and poet.

*Globe2* OVERALL IMPRESSION: Clean format, clear expression and a message that we all can relate to. The details are enough to enhance the poem but bare enough to emphasize the meaning. You say a lot in a few words and I was surprised how much I got out of the quick lines. There aren't enough to establish atmosphere but there is a fresh, straightforward tone that appeals to me. We all fear living alone and leaving this world with nothing more than emptiness behind us and emptiness ahead. Hope and love are all that we can hold onto; they are everything to everyone. We need them as much as, if not more than, we need breath. Soul nourishment is as important as the body's nourishment. Each of us needs "someone". I think it's especially powerful how you bring across the fear without even mentioning it directly. Nice work! *Thumbsup* To top it off, you close the poem with an uplifting tone of hope. Nothing is certainty. There is still a chance, opportunity to find "the one", hope for a future together. And this makes this poem "a breath of fresh air".

*Lightning* FAVOURITE LINES: The lines I like the best are definitely the last two. You bring it in full circle but change the tone at the end, and I really like that. No, I love it! *Starbl*

*Gears* SUGGESTIONS: This poem could be greatly built up with more lines, more depth and detail. You have nothing to lose if you work on it some more, a little editing here and there. Let your creativity explore! Don't put it on a leash.

I think the area most open for improvement at the moment is in structure. Punctuation gives form to your thoughts. Consider placing a period at the end of the second line of the second couplet. Also, you need to decide if the first word of each line is capitalized or not and if this depends at all on your sentence structure.

The brief description isn't really unique and although it's enough to arouse interest, I think you could alter/add to it and make it more...alluring.

This poem consists of four couplets all rhyming with each other and although this was neat, it felt a little predictable, a little restricted. The rhythm is set but also a little choppy. I suggest you run over your syllable count and try to smooth out the flow.

*Note* CONCLUSION: Thanks for sharing this neat little poem. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it and I hope you find my feedback useful. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Lightning* WRITE ON! *Lightning*

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Review of One Night a Year  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*TrainY**Traincar1Y**Traincar2Y**Traincar1Y*

*Crayons6* Hi Bunny *Smile* I see you are new around here! Welcome to Writing.Com, and I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I have. I came across your poem through the random reads, and I'm glad I did.

*Sun* Overall: What a great poem! I love the dark, windy and spooky tone you've created, and the imagery is gorgeous. You've managed to craft a wonderful free verse poem with a fun and unexpected twist at the end. That last line came as a big surprise for me, so effectively had you drawn me into the suspense and sinisterness. As you slowly and gradually paint the scene, I love your descriptions of the trees as arms reaching out from the shadows. There is also a little symbolism, with the raven, often seen superstitiously as a sign of some impending evil, and this adds some spice to the poem. At first I thought the "ghouls" you illustrate were metaphorical for shadows, and this really appealed to me. But a few lines further on, I realised you were talking about "real" fake ghouls! :-[ The suspense builds up to a climax in the second-to-last line, and then bursts out in an exciting and funny twist in the last line.

*Peny* Suggestions: It's a good thing I didn't read the brief description or that would have given it away. I think you should replace your brief description with something more mysterious, to maintain the surprise of the last line.

I recommend running an editing brush over your punctuation. Some parts of the poem would be easier to read and flow better if you inserted a few commas, etc., to help guide the reader through. For example: in the first line, place a comma after the word "windless", since you are using two adjectives together; place commas at the end of lines three, nine, eleven, thirteen; place a semicolon or period at the end of line fifteen.

Should the word "flicking" in line eight be "flickering" instead? And I think "visters" should be "visitors".

In line six, you write Who have long since drifted to sleep. I wasn't sure what the "Who" referred to. Are you talking about people, ghouls, leaves or trees? Although I like a bit of ambiguity, it can sometimes be confusing. Consider specifying this.

Finally, you use two words that aren't words! I think it's great when writers invent words (like Shakespeare did), as long as they're necessary, useful and wanted or needed by the English language. But unfortunately both of the words you make up are just incorrect forms of already-existing words: "silentness" should be "silence"; "firely" should be "fiery".

*Ribbony* Favourite Lines: Each line builds another step on the staircase of suspense. I love it. In particular, I like:

When the sun's glow has faded *Right* This forms a foreboding atmosphere, a great way of starting out the poem.

That rained down from the trees *Right* I like the image of leaves raining from trees. Nice! *Thumbsup*

Its bare branches stretch out into the dark sky
They become arms on the silhouette
Hands that burst out from a shadowy world
*Right* This is my favourite portion of the poem. These lines fit together perfectly and produce a dark and almost desperate quality.

*Balloony* Conclusion: Thank you for sharing your work with the community and giving me the opportunity to read and review this poem. I have enjoyed the experience. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

*Cool* Fi

*Notepady* Write On! *Pencil*

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Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*TrainY**Traincar1Y**Traincar2Y**Traincar1Y*

*Crayons6* Hi LadyBug *Smile* I see you're new around here! Welcome to Writing.Com, the most awesome site online for writers to connect and share the creativity. :-[ I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I have. I found your poem by choosing to do a random review, and I'm here to share some feedback. Remember, it's just my opinion and reaction as a reader. *Thumbsup*

*Sun* Overall: This is a great reminder to young people, especially teenagers who are going through a hard time at school or considering dropping out, that education is very important. Completing your 12-13 years at school may not seem so vital now, but in the future, when you get out into the real world, you will thank yourself for it. You bring this across very well. I like the tone of your poem, how it's sympathetic yet firm and encouraging. You seem to understand the issues of teens and seek to help and advise them in a friendly and warm way, warning of the dangers of ruining the future because of an unwise decision in the present and sharing the advantage of making the right choices and paving the way to a brighter and better future.

The rhymes are all perfect, the words are simple and everyday, the structure is straightforward – it is very much a "layman's poem" (without complicated, overly-poetic devices), and I mean that as a compliment, since anyone would find this easy to read and teenagers would connect to it straight away.

*Peny* Suggestions: My only suggestion is to rework the rhythm into a more metrical form. Equal length in lines and syllable counts can help a poem flow beautifully and make it easy and fun for the reader, who can put their trust in the meter to guide them and focus instead on the emotion and message.

*Ribbony* Favourite Lines: I especially like the last stanza, particularly the middle two lines:

But hang in there.
You are making the right decision


Just the encouragement that our youth need! *Smile* Have you shared this at a school yet? It would be appropriate in a school magazine or on a school billboard, and I think a lot of teens would appreciate reading it.

*Balloony* Conclusion: Thanks for sharing this poem with the writing community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your work and I hope you continue to upload more. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

*Cool* Fi

*Notepady* Write On! *Pencil*

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Review of Is It Worth It?  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping I'm here with the third and final review as part of the package you won in "P.E.N.C.I.L. Anniversary Fundraiser


*Earth* Overall: *Dropb*

I saved this review till last because this is my favourite poem in your port! I really love it. *Star* This is an exceptional and emotional example of a parent's dedication to their child. You show that learning is most powerful through experience. The mother in this poem knows that she can't tell her son the pleasures of parenthood because it is too great for words. She supports him through every stage of his life and from her he learns what it really means to be a parent.

*Dialog* Suggestions: *Notepad*

At first I wished the poem wasn't so long, but now I like it as it is. It is more like a story. My only regret is that it doesn't rhyme. It has such graceful form. I think if you structured it more it would reach perfection. But I love it as it is. *Smile*

*Starb* Favourite Lines: *Checkb*

Sweating bullets like no tomorrow. *Right* Great imagery! I like it. *Thumbsup*

*Moon* Conclusion: *Buttonstop*

I love the tribute you give to mothers. You seem to appreciate family a lot, and I think family is something our society is losing the value of. Without family, there is not structure, order or security in our community, our nation, our world. I hope we return our focus to protecting our families instead of tearing them apart.

Thanks for sharing this lovely poem and for your patience in waiting for me to review three items in your port. I hope you have found my comments useful. *Smile* Of course, the awardicon is on the way. *Wink*

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Starb* Write On! *Starb*
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Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping This second review comes as part of the package you won in "P.E.N.C.I.L. Anniversary Fundraiser

*Earth* Overall: *Dropb*

I like it! Simple, but sweet, and a little nostalgic. You are searching for your childhood's favourite companion, calling for that wild imagination that you've somehow lost, a gift that all children have and so many lose as they grow older. But imagination never leaves us. It develops with us; perhaps not as fantastic as the imagination of our childhood, but still, it's there.

Often people make the mistake of thinking that free verse means poetry with no structure. Free verse requires more skill in creating structure than traditional verse because its structure must be subtle. You show a good example of this in bringing the poem "full circle", ending it with the opening lines and creating a satisfying mirror effect with different meanings attached. You've also used a little personification, which adds some spice. *Smile*

*Dialog* Suggestions: *Notepad*

Keep an eye on your capitalisation at the start of each line and try to stick to your pattern: And you went another. *Right* Since this isn't the start of a new sentence, "And" should be "and".

Oh where did you go my friend? *Right* I'm not certain about this one, but I think "Oh" should have a comma after it.

Are you close by?
Or are you far away?
*Right* This should probably be one sentence, i.e. Are you close by, / or are you far away?

*Starb* Favourite Lines: *Checkb*

The lines which I like the most are:

I went one way,
And you went another.
*Right* This gives Imagination its own will, personality and desire. He's going somewhere, doing something and it's different to what you wanted/expected. Instead of him joining you again, it's more like you joining him again.

Could you give me a sign? *Right* Just a hint, a bit of hope, would give you reason to be happy.

*Moon* Conclusion: *Buttonstop*

You gave me a few things to think about. I hadn't thought of imagination as a person before. It's like...a place we go to visit. Not something that visits us. I like that idea. *Thought2*

Anyway, thanks again for sharing! *Smile* I'll come again soon...

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Starb* Write On! *Starb*
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Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping This review comes as part of the package you won in "P.E.N.C.I.L. Anniversary Fundraiser Sorry it has taken so long to get around to this review. *Facepalm* I'm afraid my laptop died at a very bad time, and then I lost the draft to an almost-finished review of this poem...and had to start all over again. *Facepalm* So, now that you've heard all of my excuses, I'll get to the gist of it. :-[

*Earth* Overall: *Dropb*

I like it how this poem is a rhetoric question. You are asking questions of your mother, about her love, loyalty and patience, all the while knowing that it is already true. You secured these things at birth, through no merit of your own. And through these questions you are acknowledging her role in your life, her steady and brave presence and your need for her at all times. I believe that there is no greater human power than the love of a mother. You brought this out very well, and I think it's a beautiful tribute to your mother. When browsing in your port, I noticed quite a few family-centred poems. It's great that you have such a good relationship with your mother. *Smile* A lot of people, unfortunately, miss out on this.

Although the poem doesn't rhyme, it's structured by the four line stanzas and the repeated refrain. These are good uses of poetic devices. *Thumbsup*

*Dialog* Suggestions: *Notepad*

The refrain is repeated twice in each stanza with small variations. So half of the poem is the same line. I think you could make it less repetitive and expand the message of your poem at the same time by making each stanza six lines (including the two refrains). If you don't want to add lines, I recommend you replace the first refrain with another line in each stanza, because it feels like it's a bit too much.

One thing I wasn't so sure about was the change in the last refrain. It seemed to break the flow and leave it on an inconsistent note. Consider replacing the final line with the second refrain, i.e. Mother, will you still be mine?

When you are dead and gone,
And no longer with us,
*Right* The comma after "gone" breaks the sentence and the second line doesn't make sense. If you read it as a sentence it should say When you are dead and gone and no longer with us or When you are dead and gone, and you're no longer with us. The first example is probably more fitting to the poem. Have a think about that. *Smile*

When I bring home that someone,
That you don’t want me with,
*Right* The same applies to these lines. Also, I think "That" should be "Who", since "someone" refers to a person not an object.

*Starb* Favourite Lines: *Checkb*

Mother, will you still be mine? *Right* This is such a beautiful line, with the reliance on and need for a mother. It expresses almost childish hope, and adult admiration. I'm sure your mother is proud of you. *Suitheart*

*Moon* Conclusion: *Buttonstop*

Thanks for sharing! I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Starb* Write On! *Starb*
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Review by Fi
In affiliation with Shadows and Light Free Verse G...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi turtlemoon-dohi Thank you for entering Round 9 of "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest with your poem, "Chasing Skies on Fire I am here with a review, not only as a judge but as a fellow poet, reader and writer. The following comments are only my opinion. Please keep in mind that the rules of the contest do not allow editing once you have submitted your entry. *Smile*

*Globe2* Overall: *Bookopen*

Stunning! *Delight* Breath-taking imagery and a striking message of thought and hope for the new day. I love the words you use to describe the scene of sunrise before you, words such as "silver-gray", "glistened", "luster", "bare", "poised", "hushed", "soothing", "placid", "essential" and "rekindling".

I noticed the frequent use of the "s" and "c" sounds – an undercurrent of alliteration – and specific instances as well, such as in "gray ground, glistened", "bare break" and "placid pauses...peace preferred". Alliteration is a powerful tool to create structure within your poem, and you have used it very well here. *Thumbsup*

Nice use of oxymoron, as well, with "close, yet unreachable" and "near, and unthinkably far", and also the slight oxymoron in "hushed noise" (since noise often implies something loud). I love seeing poets use literary devices to create subtle beauty, depth and order in their work – many people misguidedly think of poetry as lines that rhyme, and here you have showed that it is so much more. *Smile*

I like the repeated refrain with its change at the end, and the still yet stirring atmosphere of the poem. It is thought-provoking, peaceful and full of hope and motivation to make the most of each new day. There is a wonderful emotional pull with a sense of self-evaluation and self-discovery. I personally found it deep, serene and reflective, reaching intimately and yet respectfully into my heart, and I love that. *Heart* I think you represent sunrise here very well, and anyone in the world should be able to relate to your exquisite words.

*Penbl* Suggestions: *Thought2*

On the first read I wasn't comfortable with the sudden change to the repeated refrain at the end. I thought you had strayed off course and it ended on a slightly weaker note. However, I still love the line and its variation from its predecessors. Perhaps you could consider swapping it with the previous refrain?

The word re-kindled should be rekindled, since it's a legitimate word that can be found in the dictionary without a hyphen.

Otherwise, I have no other suggestions. *Smile* Well done!

*Thumbsup* Favourite Lines: *Check*

First of all, I love the title! Brilliant! *Star* So fiery and exhilarating, and fitting for the poem's content.

Apart from all the lines *Laugh* I especially love:

Traveling toward the edge of luster light. *Right* Mmm, those last four words really got to me. *Delight* Movement and contentment, adventure and rest all at the same time.

Searching for a poised sound *Right* Here you capture a sharp sense of anticipation, just what a new day provokes.

Remembering morning moments of before *Right* A past without regret, a fondness for what lies behind us, a respect and consideration for all that we have been through, however good or bad, since experience is what shapes us.

essential peace preferred *Right* The idea that peace is essential appealed to my philosophical side. So often we rush through our busy lives. Perhaps peace is more vital for our souls than action. Perhaps action is our lust, whereas peace is our love.

(The whole last stanza!)
re-kindling old possibilities,
knowing opportunities anew
*Right* I love it how you mention the importance of reviving old possibilities. We tend to put "failed" dreams on a shelf in the past while instead we should be reshaping them and continuing to fight for them. And the reminder that every day is not just an opportunity but an opportunity full of opportunities! *Smile*

*Buttonstop* Conclusion: *Bookstack*

Thank you for putting the time and effort into penning an entry for this contest and sharing your talent with the world. I am glad I came across your poem and I have immensely enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Best of luck, but most of all, keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi

*Starbl* Write On! *Starbl*

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Review of Gone  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Umbrellao* Hi OOT™ ! This review comes as part of your shower from "Invalid Item *Smile* After reading "Gone, I have these comments to offer:

*Leafbr* Overall Impression: Very neat, very sweet. *Smile* I thought this poem was a simple, well-written expression of a painful break-up experience. The rhythm and rhymes flow naturally and although it doesn't contain any imagery or many poetic devices, the plain narration creates a style of its own. At the end, my perspective was changed when the poet mentioned that it was she who cheated (I'm not sure if this is a personal poem – I hope not – but if it is, I mean no offense) and I thought her expectations were unrealistic when she said, "I can't believe he's treating me this way." I thought it was rather obvious why! Suddenly my sympathies switched sides from her to him. That was an interesting study in human nature. :-[ Isn't it funny how we judge so easily? But I can understand him wanting to leave the relationship. I don't think I would find it easy to trust my partner again if I found out they had cheated on me, although I would try to forgive them.

*Treefall* Suggestions: The line And now I wish I never would have cheated is too long and complicated. I think it would flow much more smoothly if you shortened it to simply, And now I wish I never cheated.

*Mushroombr* Favourite Lines: All the lines expanded on the emotion of the piece, creating an almost detached and yet aching atmosphere. My particular favourite is I'm on my own without my love around. This reminds me that we often don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. The loneliness that suddenly overcomes someone when they lose someone close to them is often overwhelming. There is purposeless and deep sorrow in this line, and I thought it represented the message of the poem very well: don't cheat, be ready to forgive and appreciate what you have before you lose it. *Smile*

*Pumpkin* Conclusion: Thanks for sharing your work with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work!

Just blowing through...
*Wind* Fi

*Leaf2br* WRITE ON! *Leaf2o*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Stars  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Waterdrop* Hi MK Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I have. I'm here with a review of your poem, "Stars, which I came across on the Newbie Works List  .

*Earth* Overall: Mmm! *Delight* I love this poem! The imagery introduces an atmosphere of mesmerisation and wonder, and the closing lines are so poignant and sad as you deliver that final stroke. The metaphor is so strong and subtle as at first the poem appears to be a simple thought process about stars, but then at the end the reader realises you are talking about something similar and yet very different: the longing to gain greater heights and the feeling of never being able to reach them. Is it greatness, wealth, fame you seek, or just a better self? I understand this feeling, and I think every reader can relate to it. We are always pursuing something, something higher and too often it seems just out of reach.

*Dialog* Suggestions: I only noticed one small typo: i'm should be capitalised (I'm). Also, I think you would have an excellent chance at winning something in a poetry/free verse contest such as "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest, so I recommend you enter it. *Smile*

*Starb* Favourite Lines: That repeated line at the end just made the whole poem. It drew me out of the hypnosis as my imagination painted the stars and made me realise how devastating this poem truly is. I also like the opening lines. They are a wonderful introduction. Another line I especially like is Rain falls and wind rushes. Lovely description. *Star*

*Moon* Conclusion: Thank you for sharing your talent with the community. This poem enriched my day, and I have very much enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi | "The Flea Bank

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Waterdrop* Hi ~Bree~ Welcome to Writing.Com! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here as much as I have. I'm here with a review of your poem, "When Life's a Nightmare, which I came across on the Newbie Works List  .

*Earth* Overall: Wow! *Delight* I am really impressed by this poem. Technically, its structure could do with a bit of work, but I'm overlooking that for now since it's the message and emotion that really counts, and boy! you outshone yourself here! (Well, I mean, you excelled to a more than average standard. :-[) There is a freedom in the lines as you cover a lot of ground, yet a tightness, a compact sense, like you know where you're going, what you have to say and where it will end. And speaking of the ending, it came somewhat abruptly. I'm not sure if it left me feeling surprised or dissatisfied. *Pthb* It was an interesting note to end on, and although not entirely unique in wording it is still memorable in concept.

Your imagery is lovely, and the lines are rich with meaning, advice, comradeship and a kind of quiet comfort. We all share the same life, even though we're all different. You know what it's like for me. The wording makes it or breaks it, and I think you've made it rather than broken it, even though the lines are dense with sometimes tricky word sequences (To many another who’ve never dreamt nor tasted). I guess the tongue-twisters make the reader slow down and actually consider more closely what they are reading.

The poem talks about life in general, in a casual, familiar sort of way with the reader, yet there is a lot of profoundness and experience in the subjects you discuss. Sometimes life seems unending and without rest. Sometimes your need for rest outweighs your fear of slowing down. To the young and strong, fear sickens you, and we understand, since we are human too and life confuses us as well. Saying farewell is almost as difficult as facing fear ~ perhaps fear for the future or fear for what could have been, fear of never seeing them again and moving on without them. Yet even in the darkest, hardest times, the idea of love and happiness gives us hope (suggesting that love and happiness are just ideas and nothing more, but sometimes chasing dreams can keep us out of the nightmare of reality). When we endure fear, hell can suddenly feel a little more friendly ("only hell" ~ wow, I love that phrase! That really stood out to me). But some of us don't have the strength to do as well as we imagined. Forces work against us, we fail, we realise there is no hope, but still we go on chasing that dream, because even the dream of what we seek is better than facing losing it. And that dream is a drug that will never satisfy us, but we embrace it.

Phew! :-[ These reflections have really given me a lot to think about.

*Dialog* Suggestions: Grammar needs a little polishing, but that doesn't matter half as much to me in this poem as it usually does in other works I review. *Wink* I'll quickly point out some typos I noticed and suggest some improvements for punctuation, just for the sake of smoothing out the flow of the piece:

Been carrying my poor lil bones forever and forevermore I fear *Right* lil should be lil'. Place comma after both words forever and forevermore.

ways end *Right* should be way's end

we bare all *Right* I think bare (not clothed or covered) should be bear (carry, convey).

it wont let you go *Right* wont should be won't

Try to place punctuation at the end of each lines (at least, the lines that need it) to help with the flow. Also, it wouldn't hurt to even out the lines a little to make the structure...not strict, but firm, if you know what I mean.

*Starb* Favourite Lines: All of them stand out. Each is a statement, a declaration, a song. I love the almost-rhyming tone, the almost-rhythm feeling and the almost-there message. It's like you're building up to something, and then reveal that there is nothing at the end except your offering to the reader to just enjoy that feeling of suspense and build up. Some lines that particularly stand out to me:

Been carrying my poor lil bones forever and forevermore I fear *Right* I know the sense of life seeming to drag out. You really create an atmosphere that the reader can relate to. I don't want to carry bones forever, I want to carry spirit forever.

But we too are people, we bare all and still life makes no sense *Right* It's like we endure life in the hope of finding some kind of purpose. We're all in the same boat. Men have to stop fighting each other. Humanity must stop destroying itself.

But even falling into the abyss, or only hell *Right* Like I said before, I love "only hell". Hell is often thought of as the worst place possible. Yet "only hell" suggests that there is something worse where we have been and returned from. We make our own hell here on earth.

We mess up or something, something makes us stop *Right* The repetition of "something" gave me the shivers, like a thoughtful, hesitant echo that lingers in sadness, asking? Repetition is an excellent poetic device used to enhance the lyrical quality of your work, and it's perfect here.

*Moon* Conclusion: This is the kind of poem that would receive a poor or extremely high rating, and I believe it is most worthy of the latter. I love its lax, careless, almost defiant shape ~ technicalities are cast aside as if they don't matter. And considering I'm often a stickler for technicalities, I think it's fair to say you've won over a skeptic. :-[ But please don't take my 5-star rating as an excuse to sit around on your cloud feeling like you own the world. *Smirk* Get writing some more! I love it and refuse to let you escape from your talent and potential. Develop your skill, and you will have mastered poetry completely! *Star*

Thanks for sharing. *Heart* Keep up the great work! *Smile*

*Peace2* Fi | "Give It 100!

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Waterdrop* Hi murmurs from within Thank you for entering Round 1 of "Invalid Item *Smile* I am here with a review, not only as a judge but as a fellow poet, reader and writer. *Reading*

*Earth* Overall: An excellent entry that follows the rules and prompt well. *Thumbsup* I like it how the voice is a prayer-like conversation with Mother Nature, not quite setting her up as a deity, but taking her hand almost like a child and promising to protect and nurture her. The closing lines are very touching, in their simplicity and sincerity. It's thought-provoking and inspiring, a gentle poem that reaches into the heart of the reader and stirs that instinctive sense of connection to the earth which resides in us all. The structure is pure and clean in the rhymes and the soft rhythm, and the imagery is sensitive enough to make the poem breathe but not gasp, poetically speaking. :-[ I think this poem is the first I have read where the speaker takes all the responsibility and blame for the world's problems on their own shoulders and offers to bear it. It really melted my heart. *Heart*

*Dialog* Suggestions: Your grammar is excellent and all the rhymes are perfect except for "endure" and "future", which are feminine rhymes. I have a few minor suggestions:

*Bullet* Try to remain consistent if you capitalise the first word of each line or not (the second line starts with "But" with a capital B, but the next line starts with "of" with a small-caps o)

*Bullet* Place a space between "Mother Earth" and the hyphen. I know it's tiny, but it does make a difference. *Wink*

*Bullet* The word "blue" is repeated, which, in a short poem, is noticeable, and unfairly suggests that you have a limited vocabulary, which I'm sure you don't. Consider replacing the first use of "blue" with another word (the second line is more natural and it fits the rhyme, so it's easier to leave as it is). I can think of a thousand words off the top of my head to describe the ocean. What about "the wide shining sea" or "the vast sapphire sea". We all know that the sea is blue, and when you use a more descriptive adjective the reader subconsciously sees both the blue and the element you describe. *Smile*

*Bullet* and will let you down never *Right* As a closing line, it's a real diamond. *Heart* But a diamond in the rough! *Laugh* It's a little bit awkward because the "never" is on the end of the line. Also, you need to place "I" before "will". What about something like this: and I will never let you down, ever. Well, that's a bit ugly. *Rolleyes* Hm...thinking aloud here. What about: and never will I let you down, no, never. If you feel like it, experiment with rearranging that line and see what you come up with. I'm sure whatever you do it will be fine. *Wink*


*Starb* Favourite Lines: They are all so gorgeous. They fit together well, like colours blending in a rainbow. I like it how in the middle you ask a question and almost reply to it with another question. The last three lines are definitely my favourites. The third line caught a lump in my throat and and the fifth made my eyes go hazy. Very nice work. *Thumbsup*

*Moon* Conclusion: Thank you for sharing your talent with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem, and I hope you find my feedback useful. Round 2 of "Invalid Item is now open, with a fresh prompt and a different judge, and I hope you will take this opportunity to participate again. *Smile* Keep up the great work! *Quill*

*Peace2* Fi | "The Flea Bank

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Insanity  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Waterdrop* Hi Fowee Thank you for entering Round 1 of "Invalid Item *Smile* I am here with a review, not only as a judge but as a fellow poet, reader and writer. *Reading*

*Earth* Overall: I love it! *Delight* This poem is so mind boggling. It's like the ultimate poetry tongue-twister. I'm telling you, I had to pause at each line and mentally massage my brain and coax it into figuring out what the heck you were talking about. I knew you were saying something, but I wasn't sure what! *Laugh* And boy, it was a real job trying to get my head around what exactly you were saying. Then the end! *Laugh* That gloriously funny, confusing, "moment of truth" closing line. The poem was good, but the last line made it great. *Thumbsup*

As an interpretation of the prompt, it is rather ambiguous, but I can see the angle you are coming from and a unique perspective always appeals to me. Your poem is a ramble about the nature of insanity...insanity that looks at the world, fights it, pushes it and tries to form history.

I love the rambling tone of the piece, as you wonder about what insanity is, how do you know if you're insane, how do you know if you're not insane. It starts off seriously, with some valid points to make, and then gets more bewildering and ridiculous, and then funny. The words you chose are good, and I like the rhymes. *Thumbsup*

*Dialog* Suggestions: Punctuation would serve to make your poem clearer and easier to read. A few commas here and there would help. :-[ And I noticed a few typos:

Because if you think your insane *Right* "your" (possessive) should be "you're" (contraction for "you are").

But then you believe your not insane *Right* Again, "your" should be "you're".

Could it be we stared into the abyss for to long *Right* "to" should be "too".

it is starring back *Right* "starring" should be "staring".

As though we are apart of some insane history *Right* I think "apart", which means separated, should be "a part", as in combined.

*Starb* Favourite Lines: Of course, the last line two lines are my favourite, but there are some other good ones as well. :-[

I suppose then that would mean that the white walls of history are unmarked and plain *Right* "white walls" captured my attention. I like the subtle reference to an asylum. The beauty of your poem is the way it blurs the lines of insanity and insanity, of reality and happiness.

*Moon* Conclusion: Thank you for sharing your work with the community. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem, and I hope you find my feedback useful. Round 2 of "Invalid Item is now open, with a fresh prompt and a different judge. I hope you will take the opportunity to participate again. *Smile* Keep up the great work! *Quill*

*Peace2* Fi | "The Flea Bank

*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Fi
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Bookopen* A "P.E.N.C.I.L. Review *Pencil*


*Reading* Hi Escape Artist I am here with the review you requested for your novel. I am assuming that the main text body of your book item is the prologue, since the first chapter is in the list below. After reading "Threads in the Tapestry, I have these comments to offer:

*Earth* Overall Impression:

The story starts over 200 years ago, in the icy arctic oceans of the north, on a Russian ship called the Albatross. It follows a normal day in the almost-adventurous life of Mikhail, a youth employed in the ship's galley. During a violent storm, the ship is wrecked on unknown shores, and Mikhail alone survives. Semi-conscious, he is apparently dying when he is discovered by a native girl and her father...

Your writing style is excellent and kept me hooked the whole way through. Word-choice is varied and suspenseful, the plot is intriguing and I can feel it building up, and the setting is vividly described. The ending is perfectly ambiguous and exciting, and you have me dying to read more. *Thumbsup*

*Clapper* Plot & Pace:

The quote at the start promises action and adventure. I haven't yet seen traces of the genres you have placed this book in (Sci-fi, Supernatural, Military) but perhaps you will introduce more of those elements later. So far it is action/adventure, with a touch of mythology/historical fantasy and a hint of mystery and romance. A good mix. *Smile*

At the beginning you have established a good pace. It doesn't move too slowly, yet you take enough time to put in those extra details that make the story feel 3D. I could feel it building up to something big, but I wasn't sure what and the shipwreck came somewhat unexpected.

I think the shipwreck is the part that could do with more work, especially in those rich details that characterize the narrative up until this point. I didn't feel as involved as I would have liked to be, and it all seemed to happen too quickly; I couldn't really live through it with Mikhail. The shipwreck is the climax of the piece, so why does it only last three paragraphs? :-[ Don't limit yourself!

While writing my most recent novel, I noticed that in the action parts I would get caught up in the suspense and movement, as if from a reader's perspective. So subconsciously I was hurrying through the scene and skipping out important details. It's a common problem that we all face, and you've dipped into it here. Fortunately it's an easy fix: just step back from the scene, picture it in your head in slow motion and take time to flesh out the details.

I will continue in the next section, as my suggestions concern setting more than plot.

One last note concerning plot, before I move on: the girl he sees at the end...somehow it felt a bit cheesy? I hate to say it. Something about her doesn't really fit the story. She seems too...girlish, in a way. I don't know how to explain. It was like she didn't belong in the scene. Her father did, but not her. Give it a thought. Maybe you could introduce her later, or in a different way, and make her seem more than earthly. This could be explained by Mikhail's state of mind. After his near-death experience, I expect he would be looking at life through a very different pair of eyes, however clouded. I can well believe that he would be drunk with fear, pain and relief. Since he seems to imagine she's an angel or afterlife being, he would probably see more than just an olive-skinned girl (maybe "woman" would be a better word?). *Smile*

*City* Setting & Imagery:

When writing any action scene, it's a good idea to keep a check list in your mind of the five senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. The more of these you can weave into the fewest words, the better.

You can fill everything with more emotion by showing Mikhail's feelings, his relationship with the other men on the ship and his fear and love for the sea/nature. You can demonstrate some of these things through the smallest hints. Take advantage of action verbs, and use them to describe the senses Mikhail experiences during his ordeal.

Here are some ways you could consider enhancing the reader's awareness of the setting, particularly in and around the shipwreck scene:

*Bullet* When Mikhail went up on deck after Canute gave him the amulets, I couldn't see anything. I wasn't sure how big the Albatross was, how many of the crew were on deck, what they looked like, what they wore and what they were doing. I didn't feel the scene connect with Mikhail and I, the reader.

I didn't feel the sting of salt in my face or hear the agonized groans of the creaking ship as it rose on the crest of the waves and dropped into their bowels. I want to see the captain: who is he, what does he look like, how well does Mikhail know him/what is their relationship, what is he like, and how does he die in the end? Does Mikhail see him go down with the ship?

*Bullet* All I know when the ship is wrecked is that Mikhail is standing at the rail looking at the captain. I didn't see what caused the ship to sink. A large wave seemed to crash it into the rocks. I want to see the carnage it caused. Did the mast break? Did the rocks smash the side of the ship, the bottom? I want to see the terror on the crews' faces, the knowledge that they are done for. Were they also clinging to things for their lives?

*Bullet* Apart from him having the good fortune of being your protagonist, I don't understand why Mikhail survived and no one else did. Explain the factors that kept him alive. Perhaps he was lucky, or smart, or strong, or all of the above. Was it his position on the ship and his swimming ability alone that helped him survive?

*Bullet* It seems unfair that you kill off the entire crew in just a sentence! *Laugh* At least give them some screams and pale faces and flailing arms as they grasp for anything to stay afloat. Maybe Mikhail sees their faces as they drown, maybe he tries to help one of them stay above water or maybe he understands that it's now every man for himself. Whatever it is, be specific.

*Bullet* Which leads me to my last note: Give him specific injuries. It makes the situation more real and believable. As he falls from the ship, a wave slams him against it and crushes his shoulder, or throws him at some rocks and he hits his head, or he kicks a rock on the bottom and breaks his toe. Then when he is lying there, the pain comes from that specific place, not just out of exhaustion.

In praise of your writing, I would like to say that I am impressed by the atmosphere you have created through your choice of words. It is adventurous, a little dark and suspenseful, and reminds me of authors like Robert Louis Stevenson and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. *Thumbsup*

Also, mention of the legendary Valkyrie has raised my curiosity. I wonder if Canute's superstitions has something to it? I look forward to finding out...

*People* Characters:

Already, Mikhail is a vivid and promising character. He demonstrates qualities such as compassion, eagerness to learn and willingness to work hard. His background story is so far unknown. He has a family and seems to be from the lower class, although, contradictorily, his ability to read and write suggests a more superior education (this didn't quite make sense to me, but maybe it will be made clearer later?). He seems to have a scholarly/literary streak, since very few sailors from that era would keep a journal unless they were a captain keeping a log.

I like it how in such a short time you introduce four different characters: Mikhail, Olin, Canute and the captain. You don't introduce them too quickly and they each show a different aspect of ship life. It also shows Mikhail's interaction with other members of the crew and gives him the opportunity to prove his character to the reader.

I would like to see more of Mikhail's relationship with the captain. If they get on well together, or at least aren't on hostile terms (which it seems they do, since Mikhail volunteered to take him the last of the tea), it can be shown more: maybe the captain's eyes meet his for a moment and they exchange a smile, or maybe Mikhail is anxious to see the captain worried about the storm, or perhaps Mikhail admires the captain's courage in standing firm when the rest of the crew's morale is failing. And I would like to know the captain's name. *Smile* There are many mentions of "the captain", but none of his name.

Also, I thought when Mikhail goes to serve the meal in the mess, there is a good opportunity to show more character interaction and bring in more dialogue, an opportunity which you haven't yet taken...which you need to! :-[

I like Olin. He has a gruff kind of appeal, and even if he's ugly and smells, he treats Mikhail well.

*Dialog* Grammar & Wording:

I think you are close to mastering the "show don't tell" rule, at least in the first half of the chapter. You use a lot of strong words that keep the narrative dynamic. *Thumbsup* Beware of overdoing it, though. :-[ There is a point where the more advanced words become too much too often. You have a pretty good balance, though, and I'm sure you'll get better with experience.

You mentioned in your note that grammar is your weakness. I have heard so many writers say this, so don't worry: editors are editors for a reason. And I think you are doing fine, from what I have read so far. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am a stickler for grammar, so I will point out any errors I notice (trust me, they are few and far between ~ your writing style is excellent).

*Bullet* I'm not sure why your dialogue is in italics. Italics are for placing stress. Only quotation marks are needed to indicate speech, so I think the italics can be taken away.

the ships every motion *Right* ships (plural of "ship") should be ship's (possessive pronoun, as in, "belonging to the ship").

there distressed fibers *Right* there (adverb, indicating a place or position) should be their (possessive pronoun, as in "belonging to them").

sang to him...a siren song *Right* Use of "sang" and "song" in the same sentence (different forms of the same word) is distracting. I think "song" could be removed altogether, since it clutters the sentence a little and "siren" would do fine on its own. Try not to use words that just repeat something that has already been said. Otherwise, you could replace "sang" with a more descriptive word, such as "moaned" or "whined", or if you want to keep it you could replace "song" with "dirge", "strain" or song, in its different form, is distracting and could be adjusted to something like to add descriptive impact.

the bubbling broth splashed over the sides of the heavy iron cauldron adding to a thick, oil-slicked puddle *Right* Add comma after "cauldron", since it is the bubbling broth adding to the puddle, not the iron cauldron.

Of the original 49 strong crewmembers who signed on for the westward journey from Okhotsk more than three months past, just 41 remain. *Right* crewmembers isn't a word. It should be crew members instead. Also, I think you should remove the word just, since there isn't a great difference between the numbers 49 and 41, as "just" implies.

This morning I overheard the captain say the storm was pushing them northeast at last and he was sure they were approaching a large group of islands off the Southeast Alaskan mainland. *Right* them should probably be us, since they are all on the same boat.

He never leaves the wheel it seems. *Right* Place comma after wheel

“I will take some food topside now, Mikhail said... Is there any herb tea left?" *Right* Place a closing quotation mark after now, and place an opening quotation mark before Is. This problem (lack of quotation marks) appears to be reoccurring. Watch out for it.

They said nothing, each eager to traverse an atmosphere ripe with the stench of death. *Right* This line implies that they want to be in an atmosphere ripe with the stench of death. Consider replacing traverse with something like put behind them.

An tiny oil lamp *Right* An (the form of A used before words beginning with a vowel sound) should be A (since tiny doesn't begin with a vowel sound).

“Heed my warning well Mikhail Ivanov. You must sway the captain to turn back. We have wandered into the sea of Charybdis and will soon parish at the hands of the Valkyries. Pray to the gods Mikhail, *Right*

Mikhail shrugged off Canute’s childish superstitions... *Right* The word childish seems wrong here. I'm not sure if Mikhail would feel that way, especially towards an elder, and superstitions, however stupid they sound, ring an anxious note in all of us. Perhaps you could adjust the sentence to something like: Mikhail nervously shrugged off Canute's doubtful superstitions...

“Gods.” he whispered, “I should have known.” *Right* This should be “Gods,” he whispered. “I should have known.”

Mikhail shrugged off the warnings *Right* Repetition of the phrase shrugged off is distracting (you used it a few sentences previously). Try to keep to your fresh writing quality, with its variety in words, phrases and sentence structure.

the Albatross *Right* When writing the name of a ship, use italics, i.e. the HMS Queen Mary, the Albatross.

the huddling crew. *Right* huddling seems like the wrong word here. I can imagine the deck as a flurry of activity. I can't imagine the crew standing in a corner huddled together. Perhaps you could describe their movements in more detail.

Mikhail turned in panic, waving at the captain who was already straining hard to starboard on the tiller, but there was no time. A huge breaking wave lifted the wallowing brig then shoved it mightily on a forest of jagged pinnacles. *Right* Use shorter sentences in action scenes, when you want the pace to move quickly, and fill them with fast-moving words: Mikhail turned in panic, his arms flailing wildly as he waved at the captain. The captain was already straining hard to starboard on the tiller. But there was no time. A huge breaking wave lifted the wallowing brig. For a moment it seem to hang, suspended in limbo between sea and sky. Then with overwhelming force, it shoved the Albatross down with a spine-jarring crunch on a forest of jagged pinnacles.

He coaxed his exhausted body out of the deadly sea crawling hand-over-hand. *Right* He coaxed his exhausted body out of the deadly sea, crawling hand-over-hand.

Nothing moved. *Right* Could such a sudden change possibly come over the sea? I find it impossible to believe. To make it more plausible, explain this abrupt and unexpected sentence. Did it simply appear still and surreal to Mikhail after what he had been through? Or did the waves disperse back to the sea? Or do you mean the bodies weren't moving, that there wasn't any sign of life?

Shaking uncontrollably, Mikhail’s hands and feet were numb, his legs felt like heavy clubs. *Right* Do you mean Mikhail was shaking uncontrollably, or his hands and feet were? To clarify, consider adjusting to something like this: Shaking uncontrollably, Mikhail examined his broken and bloodied body. With numb hands, he reached down to check if his legs were still there. They felt like heavy clubs.

an unmistakable feminine face. The girl was olive skinned. *Right* should be an unmistakably feminine face. The girl was olive-skinned.

Okay, sorry if it's a bit of an overload. *Laugh* But like I said, I'm a stickler for grammar. :-[

*Ribbonb* Favourite Lines:

He knew every grease-covered inch, every soot-lined crack, and every tar-soaked cranny. *Right* Nice description! It's certainly a unique way of saying every nook and cranny.

He could close his eyes and run the swinging gauntlet of pot metal and copper with ease... *Right* Love it! *Laugh* Shows his mastery in the galley, and the "swinging gauntlet" is a great description.

As miserable and squalid as a sailor’s life may have seemed to a sod-busting sharecropper back home in Russia... *Right* A wealth of good words, all adding to the plot, setting and character of Mikhail's story, word and personality.

Adventure greeted him with each new dawn. He was born on the water, and he would likely die somewhere on its vastness. *Right* You really bring out Mikhail's life expectations here; it adds depth to his character as well as to the setting (and plot).

Stormy or becalmed, it was a life of constant motion. *Right* I like these little glimpses into his life, and your language is very poetic.

Belief in an afterlife was all some of the men had left. *Right* I like this line because it shows Mikhail's compassion for his shipmates. However rough and seasoned these men are, he has a deeply rooted respect for them. This reflects on his own character, as well, making him more likable to the reader.

The girl beamed from within her silent world. *Right* Very lyrical.

*Bookstack* Conclusion:

This novel definitely has potential. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read and review part of your novel. I look forward to R&Ring more. *Smile* I hope you find my suggestions useful and catch an insight into your work through a reader's eyes. Remember, this review is just my opinion as a reader and writer. I don't promote selective hearing *Smirk* *Laugh*, but ultimately it's your decision what to keep and throw away in the best interests of your novel.

Best wishes for the new year...and any and all editing you choose to do in the future! *Smile*

*Peace2* Fi || "Invalid Item

*Notepad* WRITE ON! *Pen*

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Review of Poems from home  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Waterdrop* Hi Raevenly *Smile* Welcome to Writing.Com! I see you are new around here, and after noticing your poem on the Newbie Works List   I decided to stop by with a review.

*Earth* Overall:

Your poem has some gorgeous imagery, but it confuses me a little. It is in the shape of two separate poems, but I wasn’t sure if the second was a continuation of the first. The subject and tone change, and the second poem is spaced further down the page, so I’m assuming it is two in one item. I suggest you create a new item for the second poem.

You created strong suspense, but the climax vanishes and I am left wondering what you were creeping around the house for? You write “Your hunger for flesh”; maybe this means you are trying to sneak off with Thanksgiving dinner? :-[ I can see what you’re getting at, but you need to give the reader more information, and give your poem a better climax. Maybe you snatch a piece of turkey and hurry off to bed without being caught. *Smile*

The second poem appears to be a dialogue, perhaps between husband and wife, as one of them tries to choose what to wear.

*Dialog* Suggestions:

Your poem lacks in punctuation, making it difficult for the reader to know where to place emphasis and where to pause, close sentences and/or begin new ones.

And the dog's tell tale tail lies still *Right* Phew! What a mouthful! I think I had to retry reading this line about four times. I would normally advice getting rid of a tongue-twister and replacing it with something easier on the brain, but I love the concept of a dog’s tell-tale tail. So my only suggestion is to place a hyphen (-) between “tell” and “tale”.

must be saited now or not at all *Right* “saited” is not a word. I think you mean “sated”.

Inching stealth always creaks *Right* I don’t understand this line; “stealth” isn’t an object, so how can it inch or creak?

I don’t understand the context of “Cold Turkey”, “Monochrome monotony” and “What?” These lines seem like strays that have dripped onto the page. Remove them or place them in context for clarity (is “Cold Turkey” a kind of answer to the first poem, or the title of the second poem? Is Monochrome monotony the title of the second poem, and why is it underlined? What is the purpose of the word “What?” Who is asking it, and why?)

Too grae, which is really just light black *Right* “grae” should be “grey” or “gray”.

*Starb* Favourite Lines:

In the lost hours of the night *Right* Delicious line! I can feel the silence and the blackness closing in around me, the forgotten moments of night time. Vivid imagery. *Thumbsup*

When even the moon's eye has been shut *Right* Wow! That is the most beautiful description of a moon behind clouds, that I have ever read. The first four lines, in fact, stole my heart away. Incredible!

Too brown, which is black subjected to accidental bleach *Right* A funny way of describing brown! *Laugh* I love it.

*Moon* Conclusion:

Thank you for sharing your poem. It was a pleasure to read and review. I hope you find my comments useful. *Smile* Keep up the great work!

*Peace2* Fi
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*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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Review of I am FREE  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Waterdrop* Hi TheInkwell *Smile* I found your poem on the Newbie Works   list, and I’m here with a review.

*Earth* Overall:

Wow, I love the message of your poem! *Delight* Particularly the final stanza stands out. There is some rich imagery in there, and some profound arguments. True freedom is in actually being yourself. I had never thought of it from that angle before, so thank you for challenging my often flat and one-dimensional view of freedom.

Freedom isn’t always lack of outside oppression. Sometimes it’s lack of inside oppression.

It’s just sitting back and being ourselves, not taking on social norms and trying to fit in.

This is how we can use our freedom. Be individual.

*Dialog* Suggestions:

Sometimes the switches between “we” and “I” are confusing, especially in the last stanza: lines 2-5 seem to be addressing an external being (i.e. “you”, the person reading the poem), yet line 6 changes POV to “Let me prove...”

*Starb* Favourite Lines:

Cipher through the puzzles locking away my truth. *Right* Beautiful imagery! I instantly imagine vaults, labyrinths and prisons.
Fight my internal angel and demon to expose my external human. *Right* This line really hit me, with the contrasts between “internal” and “external”, and the angel, demon and human. We’re all schizophrenic in our own way, I guess. *Smile* This line appealed to me immensely, and set the stage well for the last three lines, drawing back the sling for the stone.
*Moon* Conclusion:

Thank you for sharing your poem. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi
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*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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75
75
Review of Solitude  
Review by Fi
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Waterdrop* Hi Gialla Alessia *Smile* I found your poem on the Newbie Works   list, and I’m here with a review.

*Earth* Overall:

A short free verse poem about true loneliness and its ingredients. It’s an interesting look at solitude. I like to be alone, but I realise it’s not healthy to be alone all the time. I am reminded that sometimes when we think we have everything we actually have nothing at all, and vice versa. Freedom and safety are good, but not completely. As a person who is fond of thrill, risk and danger, I like the message of your poem. Freedom and safety are good to have on your side, but sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone and do things and go places.

Solitude is a replacement, mirror and mask of loneliness.

I love solitude, but I couldn’t stand being alone my whole life, not even for an extended period of time. Adventure and fellowship with humanity are basic necessities of life!

*Dialog* Suggestions:

The full stop at the end of each line makes the poem feel blocky. It’s good to use punctuation for effect, but too much can drag your poem down. If you try reading your poem as a sentence, it doesn’t make sense. Try removing punctuation wherever possible, and replacing some of those full stops with more variety in punctuation, i.e. Here in my solitude
I’m safe,
I’m free.
etc.

I noticed two typos:

*Right* “loose” should be “lose”.

*Right* “every thing” should be “everything”.

*Starb* Favourite Lines:

And I've lost every thing.
But did I have anything in the first place?
*Right* I like the thought process here. *Thumbsup*

*Moon* Conclusion:

Thank you for sharing your poem. I have enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I hope you find my comments useful. Keep up the great work! *Thumbsup*

*Peace2* Fi
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*Starb* WRITE ON! *Starb*
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