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I've been meandering your port...so, so much good stuff in here...When I saw you had bid on my package, it scared me to death! How can I review that one's poetry? Oh dear! Can we say a tad bit intimidated? You are such a good poet, I love the varied ways you express yourself poetically; how you turn a phrase, twist meaning, play on words...subtle, well crafted.
This was a super poem--dark, menacing. The lines
Those willing to go any length,
who crave the power and the strength,
will seek this dark jewel. It exists
as hollow promises writ in mists.
I particularly liked.
I have only one tiny little suggestion...It struck me and then again, as it is important enough to be a repeated stanza, I really stuck out...In the stanza
A myth is told by those who know
about events, from long ago,
in words that can’t said aloud
less they call forth the One Unbowed.
Ok. Wow. Shivers. WHEW! What a memory, a moment to experience! What a perfect gift to have.
Then you manage to convey that in a short, powerful piece of poetry without the needless embellishments too many poets would have buried it in. Shows when a poet knows when to be controlled, and in doing so, your poem does what your son did. It shines! Well done!
Guessing this is one I 'should review' given it was in the anthology I spent sooo much time on! *grin* I am not a fan of many of the forms of formulaic poetry, but you made this work well and, more, you made me appreciate a form I particularly dislike! I remembered this from a year ago and given the amount of poetry I read onsite as well as the many manuscripts of poetry I've read in the past year, that speaks volumes. I could connect to the voice of the poet in this piece and I have to smile, because in my case, at least, I got a second chance with the flownby individual and we are now happily married...the first fly by was 25 years prior to our 'meeting again' in 2005.
This is a 'sticker.' One of those poems that lurks in a corner of your mind and pops out every now and then to say, "Here I am! Remember me and what I mean?" Got to love a poem that can do that!
I liked the way this story circled round and how it ended. I was a little confused as to anyone resigning their commission...and while it was an important reason, it wasn't an IMPORTANT reason--important enough to resign a commission and leave the military...at least...as a veteran...IMHO.
That being said...it all worked, was well written. I liked how it ended...made me smile!
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Initial Impressions
Poor guy. Felt so bad for him even as I cheered him on! Very good examination of honesty verses expected behaviors and the question of at what point do we draw the line and how worried is one to cross over and who drew the line there anyway!
Sometimes, I find being 'politically correct' throws honest feelings out the window, and we couch behaviors by what others feel is acceptable over what we honestly believe and feel. Not sure that that is a good thing...Interesting tho how 'society' changes over time as to what is 'acceptable or not.'
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Of course you nailed this! You would!
What I thought was particularly well done.
I enjoyed the irony of this piece which underscored the whole essence of newbie vs old school. The Janus-effect that evolves.
What I thought could use some improvement.
I wasn't completely sold on the outgoing lady until the very end...and then I wan't to punch her! Which, I expect, was the intended reaction, but I wanted her to be more, more 'something'--not sure quite what--yeah, so helpful that comment -- when interacting with the newbie. He, I could really see and feel...she came across, to me, as more superficial...I found myself glad she was on her way out even before i got to the end.
Final Thoughts
As always, you can be counted on to write good, thought-provoking pieces...
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Initial Impressions
LOVED THIS!!! Not yelling....just bouncing around and screaming it to the heavens!
What I thought was particularly well done.
As a former Navy mom of a journalist daughter who was blond, cute and on the ground covering stories in the Mideast, this struck close to home...especially since something similar happened although my daughter is happily alive, well and home! I felt the entire issue was handled well and true.
I really enjoyed the way this story circled around, even if I did find it a tad predictable.
What I found to be exceptional lines/sections
“Um, Mom, Dad, kinda need to breathe in here.” With that, the tension broke and the family giggled, pulling away from one another and wiping misty eyes.
What needs work
I felt the whole part where the daughter asks about Mom marrying Dad if she was gay rather glossed over; saying love was more complicated really didn''t do the potential here much justice.
Final thoughts
Overall, I enjoyed it and thought that while I'm aware of word counts for the contest, that this could/should be expanded into the very powerful short story it has the potential to be!
aside from sixty-nine instead of 69...(and I so refuse to deduct 1/2 a star for that....looks purty durned good to me, eh?
Think it fits the prompt, has those layers and implanted sparks to send a reader off into memories of their own, similar or not, and is, a faithful 'picture' in and of itself.
Oh I LIKE this. Usually, this genre, subject matter (in general) would not appeal to me, personally. But you made it such that not only did I keep reading, I, more or less, had to keep reading! Well written, well crafted, easy and natural without the feeling of forced dialog- which you do very well! Bravo and I look forward to more of your work!
Now. Ahem. You had me til elbow grease...perhaps a different choice of rhymes for that so as to not limit yourself. ..that stanza was, by far, the weakest at the place it needed to be the strongest.
Also, another suggestion...after using 'riven' so, so, so many times, rather than the setof totally different words...draw on the 'riven' and try a rhyme of it....consider....driven and given.....
Reading this as part of National Science Fiction Day! Your intro pulled me in, but when one of the first sentences has a common typo, it is discouraging. 'Its' is possessive; it's means it is. here's hoping this improves....and then...next words...It’s loss,--should be its...
Only when new death is more numerous, more constant, than new life, is the world thrown into true chaos.<--I thin I know what you are trying to say here...but it is awkward phrasing...new death....interesting word combo. As opposed to 'old death'? Thinking this needs a bit of reworking.
Desserts---Ice cream....cookies? Suggest a spell check before posting...
giving him and his friends a lookout, for danger. <---no comma needed here.
He didn’t want to leave, but he knew they had too soon.<--awkward phrasing,perhaps try-- to leave soon
your so worried<--you're
barley is a grain....barely is what you wanted.
Okay, nine lines in and tons of errors. Truly suggest you spell check or proof read your work. It is hard for people to read through to get to the story with constant errors.
I know you are new to the site and my suggestion of proof reading your work will get you more reviews. Perhaps you were anxious to get something posted, but this needs serious work. Most of the errors seem careless ones.
If you revise and update, please let me know and i will return to read this. And re-rate it. The story seems to have potential and you have a knack for description, now we just need to get you to put the work into the revision that you put into the story!
Hi and welcome to WDC! While a tad on the gruesome side, I rather liked this story...certainly had a different slant to it! Not your typical 'fairy' story by any means! Loved the twist at the end, too.
One tiny correction...the sentence,
Let’s go to the site of the last find, already!”
dosen't need the comma after 'find.' :)
I look forward to your having more items in your port!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
Excellent attitude! You've gotten me excited! I can see a mini-you with pompoms cheering from the top of your monitor!! Write on!
What I thought was particularly well done.
The voice in this cannot but convince the reader (you!) to go for it and do lots of writing!
Final Thoughts
I like reading these when they get me pumped up! Great job!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
New life, new start...and able to write full time....that is one whale of a way to start a new year! I am excited for you!
What I thought was particularly well done.
I think you've set yourself valid, do-able goals and i wish you luck!
What I thought could use some improvement.
When folks are reading your material on line it is easier for them--reading wise-- if you put an extra line of space between paragraphs. Amazing the difference it makes!
Final Thoughts
I wish you much luck in your endeavors!! Go for it with everything you've got!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
Excellent! To write about things, it helps to experience some of them...tie your adventures into what you are writing about!
What I thought was particularly well done.
Your ideas. Wondering how old your kids are....I read to mine until they left for college! They did the dishes, I read to them. We worked out way through all the narnia stories, Shakespeare, Moby Dick, All of madeline L'Engle, The Giver, Patricia Wrede's Dragon books, many of the classics....result..all three kids are readers!
Final Thoughts
Good voice, great ideas and I wish you great success!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
Your letter reminded me of a poem by Edgar Guest:--part of which I'm includung here:
Somebody said that it couldn’t be done,
But, he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn’t," but he would be one
Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.
There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle it in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "couldn’t be done," and you’ll do it.
from Collected Verse of Edgar Guest
NY:Buccaneer Books, 1976, pg. 285
What I thought was particularly well done.
Attitude, honesty and zeal! It is all there along with a health dose of 'swift kick to backside' thinking!
What I thought could use some improvement.
Proof read! Typos are the bane of our existence, bu they do need dealing with!
Final Thoughts
Great letter....onward and upward! I remember the doctors giving my mom a 'one foot in the grave/one foot on a banana peel' sentence of 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 months. EIGHT years later she died of a totally non connected ailment.
Positive thoughts are proof positive of plodding along and getting the most we can out of life! *smiles*
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
An honest voice with reality based goals and purpose!
What I thought was particularly well done.
A splinter in your mind...GREAT phrase!! LOVED IT!
What I thought could use some improvement.
Some of your goals/ideas are so well known to you that you forget that others reading may have to clue (ie; your comments are not accessible to) readers who are not as well versed in you as you are :)
Final Thoughts
Underwriter...in the states that translates as one who writes out insurance policies...doubt that is what you mean here???
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
Good letter, good voice, good goals!
What I thought was particularly well done.
Loved the comments about your wife!!!
What I thought could use some improvement.
Tiny thing, but oh so important! Proof-read!!!
Final Thoughts
They say the devil is in the details...a perfectly good, well written piece of work will fail miserably if it isn't proofed well. Your thoughts you express are too important to be taken down by typos. But it is true that those 'tiny' details can detrail a readers train of thought!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
Good goals. I expect you are dynamite at dialog though, given your give and take with you, me, my, us, we etc!
What I thought was particularly well done.
The voice you chose was well executed. It was a fun letter to read.
What I thought could use some improvement.
Just a suggestion really, use an extra line between paragraphs, it is far easier to read online that way and will get you more readers. Many people won't read though a pice online that is all single spaced.
Final Thoughts
Good goals....and yes, reviewing is very important. Feedback is necessary for us to become better writers!
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
While quitting smoking is a really big deal, the point of the contest was for writing goals.
What I thought could use some improvement.
You had tons of words you could have used, but chose not too...would have liked to see how you could use your writing and quitting to foster a sese of passing along the journey to others who are quitting. How you will use your writing in conjunction with it or anything else.
Final Thoughts
I would hate to think that the continued quitting was your only be all-end all goal. What will you do with the money you've saved? What rewards are you giving to you?
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
One long 667 word paragraph a) shows little or no revision and b) it difficult for online readers to read.
What I thought could use some improvement.
Proofread! Lower case 'i's, Starting sentences with lower case letters. Be careful not to let texting type writing influence real writing. The two do not mesh well. Revision is all important whether in writing, figuring out goals or in daily existence!
Final Thoughts
Goals need to be realistic to be accomplished. 22 inch waist? Really? Don't rush through who you are as you did in writing this letter. Take care of the details, pay attention to them. They truly are important whether in your writing, your day to day goals or your expectations.
What are *your* goals for the new year? Think it over, write a letter and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering! I know it is all over and done with, and your entry was read and judged in time. However, my reviews are late and I am still posting reviews to all the entries because, in the long run, it is the writing that is important as well as the feedback.
Initial Impressions
The thing that stuck with me was the point about taking the grammar course. Good for you. Check with Winnie Kay She teaches a bunch of them here at wdc. An
What I thought was particularly well done.
The voice was super! The honesty shone through this!
What I thought could use some improvement.
Along with grammar something big is to spell check! When entering into a contest, you do not want any obvious errors! Example:if someone else thinks you have winner on your hands, trust them.<--- a winner
Publishers often won't read word one after coming across an error.
Final Thoughts
Good luck in following through...no butts about it!
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