This is a very well written poem.
I like your style and the message.
I had only a couple of questions/
observations. The one line that
confused me a little is:
"He was frightened of the distance"
You say he felt hemmed in by the
relationship, why do you say he
was frightened by the distance ?
The message seems contradictory.
With respect to the rhythm and the
pace of the poem, the two line
sentence beginning with "He ignored"
seems out of place, though not fatal.
Why should he feel guilty ?
What didn't you tell us that would help
us understand why he should feel guilty.
If it didn't work, should he feel guilty
or is it just that sometimes relationshps
aren't a good match, in which case, guilt
is not a factor. These are just
a few thoughts for your consideration.
Your poem is really quite good
without changes. But, if you're looking
for it to be the best it can be, then
I hope my feedback will be helpful to you.
I hope you're enjoying Writing.Com
as much as I am. I'm glad you're here with us,
and I look forward to seeing more of your
work. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a remarkable poem. I was deeply touched by it
and you for your accounting of those amazing years
spent in Vietnam. I'm glad you're still with us and
espcially glad you're going to be here with us on W.Com.
I admire your abitlities. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a touching poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I admire your sentiment
and your delight in mother
nature's tranquility. Your
reminder to all of us is so important.
Don't you wonder when we earthlings
will rethink our priorities ?
You're a fine writer.
I'm so glad you're here with
us. I hope you'll push on to write more.
I look forward to seeing more of your
work. Warmest best,
Gabriella
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This poem deserves high marks for its
compelling message. You share
your remarkable journey to self acceptance
with a voice that is at once, authentic and
compelling. I'd love to see you get the
best possible ratings and feedback
for this fine poem. So, I'm going to offer a few
suggestions for you to consider.
You'll decide if they are useful.
First, you use punctuation here
and there but not consistently.
I suggest going back and placing
commas and periods where they belong,
starting with the first few
lines of your poem, and continuing on
through to the end of this piece.
Next, I suggest looking at how
you might slighty improve the format
of this poem so its appearance will
support your writing. As it
is now, the poetry itself has
to carry the day, thereby overcoming
the type-os, etc, which may water
down the effectiveness of your message.
Specific help:
1)"I" shouldn't be sitting
by itself in the middle of your
poem. Join it with "unchain"
2) "a bare soul" should be A bare soul.
3) "physical destruction that has already
begun to decay" is confusing. Physical
destruction indicates that the body is
being destroyed. Beginning to decay is
repeating the message you've already
conveyed.
4) dam is spelled damn.
5) At the end of the poem,
"I will always be beautiful
and that" doesn't make sense.
Suggest removing " and that"
Continue the next line:
"And that is beautiful"
Good luck with this poem.
I thoroughly appreciate your
work and your commitment to the
importance of your message.
I look forward to seeing
mmuch more of your work,
Gabriella
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Mrs H, you have a new fan.
Each poem I read is more fun
than the one before. This one is
beautifully written and a
total delight. I especially like the
way you start and finish
each stanza. You have a
terrific imagination, your own
very special writing style,
and a natural instinct
for writing fine poetry. Thanks
for this treat. I've loved
visiting your portfolio.
I look forward to seeing
lots more work. Warmest best,
Gabriella
An outstanding poem, Mrs H :)
I loved reading every word.
Poor Henry. This is a lively
totally fun piece of writing.
You write beautifully !
Keep on writing. It's easy to see
you're going to do well. I'm glad you're
enjoying Writing. Com. It's
wonderful having you here with
us. Your writing is a tonic.
Congratulations, Mrs. H.
Looking forward to seeing more
of your work, Gabriella
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This is a delightful poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
You give us a remarkable look at
this fascinating profile. Your poem is
clever and interesting.
You're a talented writer. I hope
you'll continue on to write much
more. I look forward to taking a little
time to visit your portfolio.
Thanks so much for sharing this poem.
Best of luck with your writing.
I hope you're enjoying Writing. Com.
Warmest best, Gabriella
You're right, you are someone special.
I took a look at your portfolio. If ever you have
doubts about your capabilities, slip in to your
portfolio and admire your many wonderful
accomplishments. You've been busy writing, and
you've done incredibly well. You are a fine writer.
I say this to you, Mrs. H: Good for you :) !!
Best of luck with this poem and your writing.
Gabriella
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Jason, this is a remarkable poem. It is at once soulful, powerful, and exciting to read. You are a
talented writer. Wrenching pain and abiding sorrow spill onto the page. The description of your journey through this relationship is agonizing. And, while
hatred built your prison and forgiveness has set you free, the depth and breadth of your experience has produced an exceptional poem. I admire your ability to move your pain from your gut to paper using your writer's pen. I hope you'll continue on to write more, Jason. I have a feeling you have lots to say. Poetry is clearly a great match with your writing talent. One suggestion. Before posting, check for type-os and spelling. Have a friend read your work so you're able to share work with reviewers minus the distracting, errors. I'd love to see you get the best possible feedback and ratings for your work. You and your poetry certainly deserve to do well. Best of luck with this
poem and your writing, Gabriella
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Your poem is a thoughtful journey through the process of letting go, while also expressing loss's unyielding pain. The juxtaposition of empathy and loss is the heart and soul of this poem. Your poet's voice is strong and expressive. Your own experience informs this poem and gives it a vitality that couldn't exist without the recollection of your pain.
There are spots here and there where you might consider
trimming your descriptions, trusting the weight of your experience to carry your reader through this experience. The 2nd and 3rd lines in your first stanza could be shortened with a little more attention given to connecting them more to the simpler more straight forward messages before and after those line. Look through each stanza line by line to decide if you can
comfortably trim a few of the longer lines to keep your messages as heartfelt, direct and immediate as the rest
of your poem. This is your call. You'll decide if this
is helpful advice.
Structure:
The poem's structure takes a back seat to it's powerful
message. With a little polishing, this poem will be able to rely on its content for good ratings.
Having said this, there are times when the format and structure--attention to visual continuity--can make a huge difference. There are no rules or boundaries. This is up to you.
There is one area that needs work. The poem is missing
punctuation where it will make an important difference.
Your readers rely on you to give the poem its pauses and the neceessary boundaries around each important idea. For instance, you say: "In spite of that I say why because I am jealous"....I suggest: In spite of that, I say why because I am jealous.
Getting inside the poem/ content:
I found the poem wrenching and mournful. You speak with the kind of depth of experience that fuels the poem with palpable pain. The poem's tension soars through the process of letting go. I am touched by your experience and your ability to shift your pain from your gut to the page. I would love to see this poem
recieve the best possible reviews.
The poem's intention:
You pull your readers in to share the process of losing a loved one, letting go, and grieving. With a little bit of polishing, this poem has real potential to be
a very fine one.
Powers of observation and description:
You demonstrate a remarkable ability to stand back from
your own grief to help us look at and understand what it is to experience intense personal loss and the journey toward letting go. When you climb into your own grief, we feel it deeply. This is a very special talent.
The poem's effectiveness/ is it persuasive :
The poem is authentic; its message is one that we can all relate to at one point or another in our lives.
Noteworthy: your sensitivity to the plight of your loved one combined with your own self awareness.
You've reached a place where you're able to accept
your loss and your pain through this poem.
Is it a poem yet: challenging all aspects of the work ?
Each of us develops a process whereby each and every aspect of a poem is challenged, tested, revised; able to effectively convey and support the weight of its message comfortably and effectively.
This poem has enormous potential. I'd like to see you hone down a few of your longer sentences to become tighter and more direct. Each stanza is blessed with core strength and clearly articulated feelings. Think whether your poem will achieve it's greatest strength by devloping stanzas that are consistently simple, feeling based, and concise as you have done with much of this heartfelt poem.
You'll decide if these suggestions are useful and
applicable. I hope you'll continue on to write more.
You're a writer with great potential. I'm looking
forward to seeing more of your work. Warmest best,
Gabriella
This is such a wonderful idea. I'm happy to help.
I know you'll do well and "The Best of the Rest"
will serve as a great source of encouragement,
inspiration, and support for community groups.
Bravo !
These poems are so dear and touching. I loved reading each and every one. They are simply glorious, well written, and a loving gift that keeps on giving to a wonderful mother. I'm so pleased to have read them and thank you from the heart for sharing them. I hope you're enjoying a relaxing peaceful Saturday.
Gabriella
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I love this poem. It's a wonderful
metaphor for this very special
relationship that is gone. You show us
in your own words, how the flame
continues to flicker in your
every day experience.
It is a precious gift to be able to
craft such a beautiful poem. From a reader's perspective, you are the bright light that
shines through in these 16 lines of
poetry.
This is a loving tribute to your memory
of this relationship, and it also reveals
a positive spirit and ability to make the
most of your experiences and the special
people in your life. Thank you for sharing
your poem. Best of luck with it and your
writing. I hope you'll continue on to write
more. I hope to visit your portfolio
to keep tabs on your progress.
I hope you're enjoying Writing.Com as much
as I am. Please don't hesitate to be in
touch if you need a little help or support
as you're settling in.
Warmest best, Gabriella
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{imnage:4000}
I love this short poem. It's
expressive, adventurous, and filled with
potential. No wonder
you adopted "highflyer" as your
email address. I have a couple of small
suggestions for you. You'll decide if
you think they are useful:
1) In your second line, move "before"
to the end of your sentence.
2) If the fourth line is a continuation
of a thought expressed in the third line,
don't use a capital I at the beginning
of the sentence.
3) Same with the A on the last line. It
looks like that sentence is part of one
started the line before.
This is a lovely short poem, and you're a
fine writer. Keep on writing ! I look
forward to seeing more of your work.
Warmest best, Gabriella
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This is a touching poem, written from the heart which is a very special talent. Your words are touching and
kind, a loving tribute to a much loved person in your life. Your poem is nicely constructed. You draw us in to share your sentiments.
I have a couple of suggestions for you to consider.
You decide if you think they are helpful:
1) Use a period instead of a comma at the end of your
2nd sentence. Start the next sentence (the 3rd line)
with a capital W. "i'm should be I'm; "your" should be
you're.
2) Make sure to change "i" and "i'm" to I and I'm throughout your poem.
3) In your 3rd stanza, change its to it's; "your"
should be you're.
I hope this helps. It may well boost your feedback
and reviews to polish the poem a bit.
Best of luck with it and your writing. You have
real potential. I look forward to seeing more
of your work.
Warmest best,
Gabriella
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This is a beautiful poem.
I'm not sure I could have
expressed your sentiment
better. It's a very special
tribute to marriage. I love
your "circle of love"
concept. It gives wedding
rings a new importance.
A couple of thoughts to
consider. You decide if
you think these are helpful
suggestions:
1) Use punctuation throughout.
Periods help your
readers see where your
individual thoughts begin and
end.
2) In the last line, "were"
should be we're.
3) I don't know if it will work,
but you might try making each
of your 3 thoughts into separate
stanzas. If the poem is too short
for that and it looks odd, switch
back to your format.
It's a lovely poem. You deserve the
best possible ratings for your efforts.
Enjoy Writing.Com. It's great having
you here. I hope you'll continue on
to write much more.
This is a glorious sweet poem. It has a fairly tale quality and a bright spirit. I thoroughly enjoyed
reading it. I'm delighted to run across a poem that
is as simple and lovely while also telling a delightful
story. Keep an eye on punctuation. I feel sure
you will get lots of positive feedback. There is much
to offer in your verse.
A warmest welcome to Writing. Com. The community
here is awesome, beautifully helpful and fune
to be around. Enjoy your weekend ! Warmest best,
Gabriella
This poem is a beauty. It is a remarkable a 5-star piece of writing, and you are a talented writer. I loved reading every word. It reminds us of carefree times, family vacations, and building happy memories.
I particularly like "the lake sleeps in an inky black dream at night" and "the dock still stretches a crooked finger out into the lake"...these are really lovely
images. Congratulations !
I hope you're enjoying Writing.Com as much as I
am. Be sure to take advantage of the many wonderful
resources here available to new writers. And, don't hesitate to be in touch if you have questions or need of guidance of any kind.
Your poem is emotionally wrenching. I admire your ability to shift those feelings from your gut to this virtual page. You communicate your sadness well and you remind us how important it is not to take the simplest of happy moments with our families for granted.
I love the last stanza of your poem. It tells the whole story. You speak for every child who survives divorce. Gone are the carefree days, those special playful moments and times spent together just hanging out with no special agenda. Thank you for sharing this poem. It's a good one. You have tremendous potential. I hope you'll continue on to write more. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
A warm welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're enjoying the forum as much as I am. Please feel free to be in touch if you need a little help or guidance of any kind.
This is a sweet poem about long ago. It's sentimental especially beacause it brings back some very fond memories. I like what you remember.
You paint a lovely little picture of the friendship you had as youngsters. You described it well. Just a couple of suggestions to consider. You'll decide if you want to apply them. I think it would help you poem to use capital letters where they are needed. And, I would like to see you use punctuation too. It's important to
your readers that they can see where each thought begins and ends. And, I'd love to see you get as much positive feedback as possible.
Finally, I hope you're doing well here and you're enjoying yourself too. If you need help navigating the site, just holler. I'll do my best to respond quickly.
Best of luck with this wonderful poem and your writing.
Gabriella
A wonderful poem about our climate. Thank you.
You wrote this poem beautifully. I so appreciate your
effort to remind us how important it is to do everything
possible to enjoy a bright responsible time.
Our weather has been unusually brutal
this summer. I hope yours hasn't been !
Warmest best, Gabriella
This poem is powerful and expressive. Your anger jumps
right off the page. I admire your ability to turn your
personal frustrations into a creative endeavor. It has
to feel good to get it all down on paper.
There are references you make that your readers won't understand. In a way, it doesn't matter. Your expression and your writing are the most important contributions you make. I hope you'll continue on to
write more.
This is a melancholy poem, one
that is a tribute to a passionate
relationship that has slipped away. You
communicate your feelings of
loss so well.
I have a couple of small suggestions.
1) Use capital letters consistently
throughout your poem at the beginning
of your sentences. You use one
at the beginning of the 3rd
stanza.
2) Use punctuation consistently too.
It helps your readers see where your thoughts
begin and end.
I'd love to see your poem get the best
possible reviews. It is a fine poem.
Thanks for sharing it. You have real
potential. Keep on writing !
A belated welcome to Writing.Com. I
hope you're enjoying it as much as I am.
Be sure to take advantage of the
wonderful resoureces available here for
new writers. And, sing out if you need
a little help or encouragement as you
motor along.
This is a quirky fun poem.
Being a mother is more like
being bounced on an elephant's
back. Sometime you have to hang
on tight, other times you
feel like you're sitting ontop
of the world :) I like your
rendition though. It's a riot.
The poor woman found with a
duck feather embedded in her
head. There are those rare
moments when being pecked to
death by ducks is an improvement
over helping a teenager to
hurdle puberty :) Thanks for
the chuckle and the fun. I hope
to take a little time to visit
your portfolio very soon.
In the meantime, best of luck
with this poem and your writing.
Gabriella
This poem with all of it's depth
and painful expressions of loss
is impressive in a couple of
important ways. Not everyone is
comfortable speaking so directly
about personal pain and loss. You've
talked about it with unguarded eloquence
and a sense of resignation.
It seems you've found it's easiest
to cope if you accept the
inevitability of lost love and
its accompanying pain. Although from
what you describe, we can understand
why you feel the way you do.
What shines through this sad but
compelling poem is your writing
ability. It provides a real beacon,
one that I hope leads you to better
times and wonderful opportunities.
A couple of suggestions:
1) The poem begs for a little more
attention given to punctuation.
2) The format could use a tiny bit
of work so the poem looks and reads
well. You don't need to change the
words, just the structure.
I hope you'll give this a bit of
thought. I'd like to see you get the
best possible rating for your poem.
Both you and it are worth the trouble :)
Thank you for sharing it.
Warmest best,
Gabriella
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