This is an utter delight, Eva.
Your poem is well written, warm
and accessible. All of us can
relate to how wonderful it can
be to stay in bed when we
need a break from work or school :)
You describe bed as a cozy
familiar place. It most certainly
is. I hope this poem gets wonderful
ratings, and you're enjoying
the forum now that you've been
here for a little bit.
It's always fun to see your work, Eva.
You write very well :)
Warmest best, Gabriella
I read every word, filled with sadness
and disgust as your story unfolded.
I've been teaching for a
while. Tearing apart a student's work
verbally and/or actually is abuse.
I'm surprised that your family hasn't
gone to the principal about this.
At any rate, the poem is a good one.
It's honest, outraged and as with way too
many of these situations, it has fallen
on your shoulders to solve this.
It shouldn't. This is a matter for
parents and the school's leadership to
solve. No child should be treated this way.
I'm grateful that you've been able to
write about it so well. I hope it gets
wonderful ratings.
Warmest best, Gabriella
A beautiful poem, Tortuga !
It has the feeling of a ballad.
I loved reading every word.
You paint lovely pictures with
your words. This river must be
breathtaking. I like "the laughter
of a small child"...
Your first two stanzas are the
best. The third stanza is enough
different, I wonder if you think
it should be a bit more like the
others ?
There are no rules, but it's
good to give thought to the
composition of your poem. Consider
the number of lines you have
in each stanza. Decide if you think
it might make a difference to work
on the structure a bit.
I'd love to see you get the best
possible ratings for your poetry.
You have real potential and
you write well.
This is a beautiful poem. I loved reading it
and enjoyed every word. I have a couple of
suggestions which may improve your ratings:
1) Remove "with" and change "rested" to resting
in the first sentence;
2) Remove "is the day" and "that" from the 2nd sentence. "i" should be I, youd should be you'd;
end the second sentence with a period.
3) Consider rewriting the third sentence to
say if someday you were to leave, my world
would be shattered. As it is, the sentence
is a bit confusing;
4) The first sentence in the 2nd stanza should
begin with a capital letter; "this" should be
"that" and i should be I;
5) Remove "that" from the next two sentences;
id and youd should be I'd and you'd;
6) Remove "And" Start your next sentence.
Consider: From that day when I hoped you'd be
mine, your beautiful head, etc;
7) my flower should be My flower, i should be I;
8) Suggest my pefect match should be its own
sentence which means my should be My and you'll
need to add periods to the sentence before and
the last one :)
I hope you'll find a few of these suggestions
are useful. The poem is very good. It just needs
a little cleaning up to position your poetry for
the best possible ratings.
Good luck with your poem and writing. I look
forward to seeing more of your work. You
have real potential.
Melva, I like your style and this poem :)
You chose your words well. Your message
is clear and thoughtful. It's a delight
to read.
There may be a few things you can do to
ratchet up this poem's ratings:
1) Do you think it would help
to break the poem into stanzas ?
2) Do you think it would be good to switch
master of suppression to mistress
of supression ?
3)Do you think it would be best to start off
your poem with a capital D ? I love
ee cummings' style, writing without commas
and periods--especially effective when the
poem is short.
Just a few thoughts. You'll decide if
any of these useful. I'd love to
see you and your poetry receive the
best possible reviews and ratings :)
A warm welcome to Writing. Com.
I hope you're enjoying the forum
as much as I am. Sing out if you
need help while you're settling in.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a wonderful poem.
It is at once ethereal, sweet
and sad. I enjoyed reading
every word ! I particularly
like this poems's
spark and your enthusiasm.
One tiny suggestion:
I'm sure the word "gragile"
is meant to be fragile.
This is a very fine poem;
you have real ability !
I look forward to seeing a lot
more of your work.
A warm welcome to Writing.Com.
I hope you're enjoying
the forum as much as I am.
Sing out if you need help or
a little support while you're
getting settled.
This is a beautiful well written poem.
I'm deeply touched by your writing and your
message. The poem is a lovely tribute
to a very special person.
I admire your writing style.
My impression is that you're
an intelligent thoughtful writer
and an old fashioned
romantic. If I read your poem
correctly, it appears that your
journey and your friend restored your belief
in a life filled with possibilities.
Best of luck with your next chapter.
Your poetry is warm, embracing and
reassuring. I enjoyed reading
every word. Best of luck with this
poem and your writing :)
Gabriella
This poem tells a wrenching story,
reminding us how tough life can be
for children who are neglected and
abused by parents who were very
likely also abandoned and abused
as children. A tough cycle to break,
isn't it.
Your poem recounts the tragedy that
befalls children of dysfunctional
addicted parents. I was deeply
moved by it. You speak with authority
and with tremendous compassion.
I hope you'll keep on writing.
You have much to share and real
potential.
I'd like to see your poem get the
best possible ratings. Here are a
few suggestions for you to consider:
1) Do you think the sentence might
better read: I look back to where it
all began...adding the word "back"
to your sentence ?
2)you write: "as a child who knew
poverty first-hand" ...did you
consider: to my childhood. I knew
poverty first-hand"
3) If you're writing about your
own experience, it would be wonderful
to shift from writing in the third
person. Instead of "they" use
"we"....instead of "their mother"
write "our mother"....the poem
is much more powerful when you talk
about these experiences as your own.
Best of luck with this fine poem
and your writing. You have real
ability :) Gabriella
This is a fine piece of writing,
Angel: As always, it's a treat to read
your poetry and watch as you develop and
expand your capabilities.
I'm so glad to see that you're writing
regularly. You're making real progress. I've
thoroughly enjoyed reading your poems
and look forward to more.
All the best, Gabriella
Another beauty, Charlie.
I like this as much as
"Notes on a Page"....both
poems are beautifully unique,
communicated using your own
very special voice. I especially
enjoy the wonderful melodic
beat I found in each of your poems.
Keep on writing, Charlie.
You are a talented writer.
Thanks so much for sharing
your work. I look forward to
seeing more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is really wonderful, Charlie !
A fine piece of writing; you speak
with a very special voice.
The poem feels like an
exciting combination of poetry
and music with a distinctive beat.
I enjoyed reading
every word, and especially like
your writing style.
I hope you'll write much
more, Charlie.
You have real ability.
A warm welcome to Writing.com
to you, Charlie. This is a very special
forum. It is blessed with
a community of generous supportive
writers, as you'll see.
Please sing out if you need a little
guidance or support in making your way
around the forum.
Warmest best, Gabriella
I love this small poem.
You hit a home run with
your message. I applaud
you for communicating it
so well. You're right,
life is very precious.
Most of us take it for
granted until it's threatened
somehow, don't we.
This is a fine poem.
I hope you'll write more. I'm
looking forward to seeing
more your work.
A warm welcome to Writing.Com.
I hope you're enjoying it as much
as I am. Sing out if you need help
or support as you're getting
settled. Looking forward to
keeping in touch :)
This is a fine poem. It's beautifully written. You chose your words carefully; the poem communicates your message effectively. You pull your readers in close. I experienced your sadness. I'd love to see this poem get
a great rating. Here are a couple of suggestions to consider:
1) Think whether it might be cleaner not to capitalize
the beginning of a sentence if it is the continuation of a thought from the sentence before.
2) Remove the comma after Illuminated.
I particularly liked "shadows of greatness, dance upon the walls, only to abandon me when I reach for them." This is a wonderful well constructed bit of writing. I hope you'll write much more. You have real ability; I look forward to seeing more of your work.
A wonderful tribute to a very special person, Anna.
I like this poem. It is both frank and totally loving. You chose your words well and communicate your message clearly. Your description of love is a delight. I hope you'll write lots more.
Just a few suggestions to ensure your poem will get the best possible rating:
1) Did you mean some instead of same the 4th sentence ?
2) no where should be nowhere
3) Be careful to think when to use sometime vs sometimes
4) In the 5th stanza, loose should be lose
5) In the final stanza, place a comma after I love
you, that is my strength. And a period at the end of
that thought.
6) Do you mean sometime instead of sametime
7) What did your final sentence mean ? The poem
was clear and well thought out till the last two
sentences. Did you mean your friends laugh at your
choice of a guy ? What did you mean that you look
at him for the same love ?
You'll decide if any of these are helpful suggestions, dear Anna. I hope you'll keep on writing. You have real ability and great potential. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
A beautiful outcome, Lily.
I'm glad you prevailed.
This is a touching
compelling poem. Your
writing is always interesting
and enjoyable to read.
I like the message here.
Living with love is absolutely a ticket
to a healthy happy life.
I hope yours is full of
adventure and joy. It's
fun to see that you're busy
writing, Lily. Great work !
Looking forward to seeing more.
Warmest best, Gabriella
This is as painful as any poem I've read on the subject. If you are the person you're writing about,
I hope your pain is subsiding. Your message is
frank and delivered without frills. The topic is one we can all appreciate and connect with. Thank you for sharing your poem. I hope you'll keep on writing.
This is a wonderful forum filled with great people who
are very supportive. Don't hesitate to ask if you need
help of any kind. Good luck with your writing
and this poem. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a five star poem ! It is strong, lyrical and descriptive, making excellent use of every word to build a dramatic effective short poem. Herman Melville must be smiling down on you :)
I love your choice of words, particularly:
"Heavy metal crack and caplunk, Oh Lord help us, the
ship has sunk" and "One by one they begin to sleep. Frozen bodies, solid and deep."
You speak the language of the sea and caputure us mightily with this small poem. Bravo, Tasha ! I hope you'll keep on writing. You have real ability. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
A belated welcome to Writing. Com, Tasha. I hope you're finding your way around the forum and you'll feel free to reach out if you need a little help as you get settled. This is a wonderful community of generous supportive writers.
Best of luck with this poem and your writing. Keep in touch, Gabriella
Julia, at 13 I couldn't write this well.
You have real ability and great potential.
I hope you'll keep on writing. This poem
is at once melancholy and discouraging.
Still, it is your creativity that is the bright
light underlying this piece.
I hope you'll keep on writing, Julia.
You are very capable and you write with
remarkable sophistication. I applaud
your work and your talent.
I hope you're enjoying the forum as much
as I am. Sing out if you need help or
guidance along the way. I look forward
to visiting your portfolio again to
read more of your work :)
This story is very sad. You didn't tell each other you were married ? This internet story is so typical, so expected. Still, I found myself hoping against hope for a happier outcome. Both of you must have been anticipating this ending while also drinking in that special moment together. But what a terrible ending.
Having said that, I must say your story is very well written: you write so comfortably. This was
thoroughly delightful reading. There isn't anything
I can think of you could do to build a better story.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I hope you're enjoying the forum and finding your way around easily. Sing out if you need a little help or support at any point.
Keep on writing. I'll look forward to seeing more of your work :) Warmest best, Gabriella
This is a melancholy poem,
Dan. Your feelings slip
onto the page with such
sincerity. The message you
convey is written
with gracious resignation.
It has to be tough to let
love slip away while the
friendship grows.
One tiny type-o:
Create a space between
For and fear in the
third stanza.
I wonder if you might
use though instead of "but"
in the last sentence.
You've communicated your message
well with just a handful of
words. This small poem holds its
own and is well worth reading. I hope
you'll keep on writing.
I enjoyed this poem; I'll
look forward to reading more
of your work.
I enjoyed reading your melancholy poem. It's gray and overcast like the day you describe. You remark that it has been raining way too long which is clearly connected to missing a lost love who does not call. It seems clear the sun won't shine again for you again unless he returns. It's a sad poem.
Just a few suggestions:
1) Decide how you will use capital letters--I suggest you use them to begin a new sentence rather than just to start a new line.
2) If you continue your sentence into the next sentence, don't capitalize the first word of the second line.
3) Be sure to place commas and periods where they belong. Consistency is important :)
5) I didn't understand the purpose of saying you don't do windows anymore. "Without you, life's a bore" should have a capital W at the beginning of the sentence.
6) Did you really mean to say " It made me so prone" ?
7) In your final stanza, "But no one know i'm crying should be: No one knows I'm crying. And, you can hardly see the tear stains.
You decide which of these suggestions are helpful to you. I'd love to see you get the best possible ratings
for this poem. It's certainly worth the effort
and so are you :)
I hope your poem fares well and you keep
on writing. This is a wonderful forum.
Sing out if you need
help of any kind as you continue writing.
I look forward to seeing more of your
work.
I've enjoy reading your writing.
it's always wonderful.
This poem is an amazing
declaration of love
complete with all of its
nuances. You've spared
nothing to lay out how you
feel and what you want.
You've created this a wonderful
vehicle to carry your
powerful message of love
and support.
If you're interested in
getting the best possible
rating for this poem, I suggest
cutting it down a bit. The poem
has provided a very special
opportunity to give your
very important feelings wings.
However, I think if you look
carefully, you'll see there is
much overlap as the poem
continues into the 5th stanza
on into the 6th and 7th.
While none of what you say is wasted or
unimportant, you'll decide
if you could shore the poem up by
cutting it down in size to
make it tighter, thus giving it
greater impact.
If you want help thinking how
to shorten it, let me know.
I'll leave it to you to decide
if you'd like to work on it. In the
meantime, I admire your poem
and your lovely tribute to this
very special man in your life.
Offering him wings to fly away is
always tough to do but in the long
run, a wise choice as you've
pointed out so capably.
Good luck with your lovely poem
and your writing. I look forward
to seeing more !
This is a wonderful etherial
poem filled with imaginative
descriptions and lovely
scenarios. I was struck by
the description of the journey
and the elusiveness
of the poem. It's beautiful
and dream-like. I wonder if
it would make sense to break
the poem up into stanzas
to avoid scaring off potential
readers. You could easily create 7
stanzas (paragraphs) where you have only 3
now. The idea is to make
each stanza about the same
size, avoiding creating one
that is too long and tough
to wade through. Your writing
will be enhanced by taking
the focus away from the
exceptional length of the
poem, which if broken up,
will be just fine.
One other suggestion:
take the time to include
commas and periods so we
know where your thoughts
begin and end.
I hope these are helpful
suggestions. You'll decide
what makes sense and do
what you think is best.
I congratulate you on the
remarkable poem you've taken
so much time and effort to
put together.
This is a fine poem about two people
who have found a new relationship as
a result of his injuries. Is this
because you're a nurse and you have a
very special role in his life, or are
you friends in some ways that you
weren't before ?
The one missing piece here is a bit of
concrete information about what you two
have now that you didn't before. You call
attention to this in the last two lines
of the poem. You share: "some people
wonder why I do what I do". I wondered what
you do much more than why you do it, because
you've never defined your role or your
relationship with him.
It would help your readers to understand
those last couple of critically important
lines in this lovely poem.
It's a poem that is clearly a labor
of love and a very special tribute to
the friendship. You're doing a great job
with it. I know you'll enjoy polishing
it a bit to see this very special poem
through to completion.
Thank you so much for sharing it. I am
deeply touched by your appreciation of
this man who is limited in one way but
remarkably taller and more capable in
others now.
Best of luck with your beautiful poem
and your writing. I hope you'll write
much more. Warmest best, Gabriella
It's not a cliche :) It's outspoken, honest and
clearly written. It tells the entire story with
only a handful of words; you can't get much better
than that ! I was really touched by the last stanza. It's very powerful. You're a real writer.
Not many of us start off this well, Neriah.
You have ability and a promising future.
I hope you'll keep on writing. I'm going to enjoy visiting your portfolio to see more
of your work. In the meantime, welcome
to Writing.com. I hope you'll sing out if you
need help finding your way around the forum.
Best of luck to you.
I can't wait for the next poem !
Gabriella
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