A lovely poem, Alison.
I love this one. You
reach out and touch us (your readers) with
this delightfully
sweet straight-forward
message, written to someone
very special. You have a way of
pulling your readers in
right close to
experience your happiness
as though it were our own. Bravo,
Alison. I hope you'll keep
on writing. I look forward
to seeing lots more of your
poems :) Warmest best,
Gabriella
You've got such a vivid
imagination. It's clear that you
enjoy creating strong visual poetry.
Your opening lines remind
me of "Phantom of the Opera"
but then you move on and
speak, using a colorful palette
of descriptive words and phrases.
The poem sings. It speaks of your
love in dramatic terms. I wondered about
a few of the very long sentences.
I wonder if you feel you might like
to shorten them a bit. Whatever you
decide, this is a wonderful poem.
Good luck with it and with your
writing. I look forward to
seeing much more of your work :)
Warmest best, Gabriella
Your poem is a lovely tribute
to your relationship. It is
heartfelt and sweet in its
simplicity. The words seem
to tumble effortlessly onto
the page. I hope you'll write
lots more. You have real
potential. I look forward to
checking back to see more
of your work. Bravo and
best of luck to you, Gabriella
A warm welcome to
Writing.com. I hope
you're enjoying the
forum and finding
your way around comfortably.
This is a remarkable
forum, blessed with a very
special community of
writers who are at once,
wonderful people and great
cheerleaders. If you
need a little help or
support at any point,
don't hesitate to reach
out.
Your poem is very nicely written.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
And, I hope you'll write
lots more. You have real
ability. This poem is well
structured; your theme is
one that is familiar to
all of us. I found your message
inspiring and right
on the money ! It offers
an important boost
to all of us who hurdle
tough times at different points
in our lives.
Thanks so much for sharing
your poem. I'm sure it will
be well received.
Best of luck with it
and your writing. Gabriella
I really enjoyed this. I read it a couple
of times to fully drink in your powerful message.
This is a melancholy story, one that reminds us
how important validation is, and then, what happens
if it isn't forthcoming. The lonely girl on the
playground won my heart and sympathy.
Your poem explores a familiar theme. I
appreciate your
effort to structure it well and send a
meaningful message.
A few suggestions: 1) take a minute to check
spelling and look for type-os.
In the first sentence, cut out the
first comma, and use a semi-colon after the
word "wall"...2) I think you meant to use THEY to
start the next sentence. 3) The sentence that
begins: "Her friends is poorly structured.
Try: Her "friends" laugh at her jokes but when
she really needs them, they are nowhere to be
found. 4) The next sentence could be cut down
to be more clear and easy to understand. An
example: No one seems to know that
she is more than her funny jokes; she needs
to feel important and wanted...etc
These are just a few suggestions. Look over
this piece and see what you think.
I hope you'll keep on writing. You have
terrific potential.
A warm welcome to Writing.com. I hope
you've been enjoying the forum and you're
finding your way around comfortably.
If you need a little support or guidance,
please don't hesitate to reach out.
I love this poem ! It's
complex and interesting.
Imaginary friends can
be a tonic. I had one
and so did each of my
siblings for a short time;
seems it was
a rite of passage of sorts
in our house. My mother was
wonderful. Whenever I had
a bad day, my mother
would set an extra place at the
table for my imaginary friend.
This poem is intriguing and
well written; I was touched
by the mother talking to the
child about being "envious
of your shapeless
fun." I hope you'll keep
on writing. You have great
potential.
A belated welcome to Writing.com.
This is a terrific community
made up of exceptionally good
people and a myriad of helpful
resources for writers. I know
you'll enjoy it here.
Looking forward to returning
to read more of your work.
Best of luck with your poem
and your writing, Gabriella
I think your message is
an important one. There
were places where I had
trouble following the thread
of your message. I
appreciate that you speak
with your own voice and
write using your own
style. I suggest that you
change ur to your. im
should be I'm. i should
be I. Werent should be
weren't. You'll decide if
these are useful suggestions.
I hope you're enjoying
the forum and you'll continue to
write. I look forward
to seeing more of your
work. All the best, Gabriella
A warm welcome to Writing.com.
I hope you're settling in and
enjoying the forum as much as
I am.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading
your work. This poem is
exceptionally well structured
and it's beautifully written.
It has the feeling of a love
song. There isn't anything
I can think to suggest to make
it better. It's a very special
poem.
Best of luck with your poem
and your writing. I look
forward to seeing more of
your work. All the best,
Gabriella
I love this poem, Nan.
You expressed your
loss and your love
so articulately.
And, the poem is
nicely structured
as well. Bravo !
I hope you're planning
to write lots more.
You have real potential.
One small suggestion:
In your 2nd sentence, think
about changing the wording
a bit. Instead of "A feeling
so deep and felt so true"
consider: A feeling so deep;
it felt so true.
I hope you're enjoying the
forum and you've had a chance
to figure out how to make
the most of the resources here.
It's a wonderful forum
supported by a great community
of writers.
Looking forward to seeing
more of your work. Best of
luck with this poem and your
work. Gabriella
I like this poem. You write well.
Your work is complex and interesting.
I've enjoyed visiting your
portfolio to look at some of your work.
You have tremendous potential.
I hope you'll keep on writing !
A belated welcome to Writing.com.
I hope you're settling in
and enjoying the forum.
If you need any help or
support at any point, don't
hesitate to reach out.
Warmest best to you. I
look forward to seeing more
of your work,
Mike, you couldn't have said
it better :) I love this poem
and its remarkable message
about the value of acceptance
and unconditional love.
There isn't anything I could suggest to
make the poem better. You must
have a wonderful partner with
whom you have the special bond
you describe so well.
One tiny type-o, easy to fix:
"with out a doubt should be changed
to without a doubt :)
I hope you're settling in and
enjoying Writing.com as much as
I am. We have a wonderful community
of writers here. If you need
help and support of any kind,
don't hesitate to reach out.
Best of luck with your writing.
I'll come back to visit your
portfolio again soon. I look forward
to seeing more of your work.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Charly, this is a fun poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading
it. I love the way you write
and think. I hope you're going
to stick around and keep on
writing. You have great
potential :) I'm going to
enjoy seeing your work as you
produce it. Thanks for sharing
your poem. Good luck with it
and with your writing !
Warmest best, Gabriella
Tab, this is an interesting poem. I like it !
It looks like you wrote it for a special
friend who shares your curiosity and belief
in things outside what we see in our everyday
lives. I've always been curious too. It's fun
to keep an open mind about these things, isn't
it. Your poem shows your ability to
think independently and enjoy exploring.
These are wonderful traits to
have if you like to write as well.
I know you'll do well. Keep on writing.
A couple of suggestions to boost
your poem, which is good.
1) I think you mean deamons (5th sentence)
2) In the 6th sentence, use a comma. It should
read: Yet you, you're different, you believe.
3) In the 7th sentence, Thats should be That's
4) In the 8th sentence, i'm should be I'm
In the same sentence: their should be they're
5) In the 9th sentence, change i'm to I'm
6) In the 11th sentence, change "Cause I" to Because I
7, Put a semi-colon after different;
Small changes that will make a difference to the
ratings you get. Good luck with your poem
and with your writing. I can't wait to see more
of your work as you continue to write :)
You have real potential.
It's a small poem with a powerful
message. It's clear you long for
this special person. Two small
suggestion: the third and sixth line
might be slightly more powerful
if you make them the same...
Consider whether it might boost the
poem by adding "just for you" in the 3rd as
well as the 6th line; it might
help to show that the poem, while it's
small, has been thoughtfully written.
One other thing, you "cry at night on
the inside" and "long all day on the
outside". Crying on the inside is good.
But, I couldn't picture "longing on the
outside." I wondered what you meant by that ?
Good luck with this poem. Its
purpose and intensity are clear.
Bravo, Vjay. You're almost there **
I'm looking forward to seeing more of
your work. You have terrific potential.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Another articulate interesting poem,
one more example of how well
you communicate. Your poem is
compelling and wonderful to read.
I'm quickly becoming a fan. It's
always a joy to read what you write.
Did you give its construction as
much attention as you gave your
message ? Thanks for sharing it.
I hope you get great feedback.
I have a couple of suggestions. You'll
decide if they are of any use.
1) You use through twice in the 5th sentence;
2) I'd take out the word "even" in the 8th sentence;
3) I'd remove the 3 times you use "Their" at the beginning and middle of the 9th sentence;
4) Remove the comma after "bright" in the 10th sentence
5) Take out the 2nd and 3rd use of "past" in the 11th
6) I'd put quotes around what you seem to be describing as an obit that someone else will write about you.
Small changes....to ignore if you choose. I loved the poem...it could use a little tightening as indicated but the message is wonderfully strong and your work is always great. All the best, Gabriella
I read your poem, laughing
at my own experiences with
my daughter. She's grown now
and she is not only a fantastic
mom, but she has great kids.
My mother used to tease me
that someday I'd have my turn
with a teenage daughter. And,
I did, big time !!
But, I wouldn't trade it for
anything. Thanks for your
humorous poem and the fun of
reading it. It's a well written
piece of writing. You have
real ability. Thank you for
sharing it.
Walt, this is a delightful
poem, well written, nicely
constructed and clever.
Given the enormous amount
of grey area we encounter
as we move through life,
it's a wonderful
poem with an important
message. I enjoyed reading
every word of your poem.
I hope you're enjoying
Writing.com and making the
most of this wonderful
resource. If ever I can
help in any way, let me know.
Best of luck with this
terrific poem and your
writing. I look forward to
seeing more of your work.
Gabriella
An eloquent poem and a noble
loving tribute to mothers.
I applaud your effort. It
seems clear you put a lot of
yourself into writing this well.
It is a nicely constructed and
very touching poem. I hope you're
enjoying writing and you will
write much more. I look
forward to seeing more of your
work as you continue to post
more work. Best of luck with this
fine poem and your writing.
Gabriella
First, a warm welcome to Writing.Com.
This is a great forum boosted
by a terrific community of supportive
people and resources. I hope
you're finding your way around,
getting settled, and
enjoying the chance to meet
fellow writers.
I read your poem and enjoyed
every word. It's at once
melancholy and hopeful as is
the passing of one generation
and giving birth to another.
Children are redeeming and
give life new meaning.
I love that you are able
to communicate
the feelings that accompany
intense loss and the
"awakening" that a new birth
triggers, so well.
The poem is short, but it says what you
intended to say articulately. You have
real ability. I hope you'll
continue writing. I look forward
to seeing more of your work :)
Thank you for sharing this.
Warmest best to you, Gabriella
I love this poem. I've taken
the trip from Philadelphia
to Boston many times. I
have family in Cambridge.
Your poem is perfect. It
captures the feeling of the
trip down to the most minute
details. It's wonderful to
see what you focus on when
you ride on the train. I love
the part of the trip where the
train runs by the ocean and rivers
roaring by tiny white cottages
and boat slips with sail
boats bobbing.
Your poem brings it all back.
It delivers this trip
in a way that puts the reader right there
in the seats next to you
while you take in the sights.
Your descriptions are wonderfully
visual. Bravo, Anastasia.
You write very well. It's such a
pleasure to read your work.
Thanks for sharing this piece.
Good luck with it and with school.
I know you'll do very well.
Warmest best, Gabriella
I love this. Which part of Maine are you from ?
My folks had a little house on an island off
Rockland. I haven't been up there for a while,
and I miss it. This is a wonderful piece, filled
with belly laughs and good fun. You tell stories
so easily and comfortably. The words just tumble
down onto the page. That you're able to
get your readers to laugh themselves silly as
well is pretty special. I admire your very special
sense of humor. Thank you for sharing
this. I look forward to stopping back again to read
more. Gabriella
This is beautifully short
and right to the point.
You said all there is
to say in these few sentences.
Losing a child to a random
shooting is beyond comprehension and
description !! You found a
way to sum it up that is
far more noble than the
act of the shooter.
I admire your style and
your ability. I hope you'll
continue writing. I look
forward to seeing more of
your work.
I noticed that you've just
recently joined Writing.com.
I hope you're finding
your way around and getting
settled without any problems.
Be sure to take advantage of the
wonderful resources here.
This is a remarkable
community.
This is such an articulate, well
thought out document. Thank you for your
thoughtful suggestions and
the excellent guidance you
provide. I review every day
now. It's a wonderful way to get to know
the community and to learn
and grow through the experience
of seeing a wide variety
of written work. Reviewing is
often a humbling and inspiring
experience. And, it's an
adventure without end, which I love.
Your reviewing advice is right on
the money ! I'm going to come
back to your article again and
again, I'm sure.
Warmest thanks for all you do
and give, Gabriella
This poem achieves a
wonderful dreamlike
quality, lifting us up
and taking us on a journey
where time and practicality
are suspended. Your dream
is beautiful and well
written. And, your poem
is nicely constructed.
I hope you'll write much more.
I notice that you have
only recently joined Writing.
Com. A warm welcome
to you; I hope you're getting
settled in and discovering
the wonderful community of
people here. You are
a fine writer. I'm looking
forward to seeing more
of your work.
I was preparing myself for a sad
ending here, B. What a great job
you've done, setting your reader
up for disappointment and then
taking this big leap to a
a wonderful outcome.
What a nice surprise. It left
me smiling broadly. I read
those last few lines cheering
you on. It's a sweet poem.
And, you have real
potential. I'd like to see you
give a little time to clearing
up a few small type-os so you're
able to attract the best
possible ratings.
In the second line.."I asked if
you thought I was pretty" might
better be phrased this way:
I asked if you think I'm pretty.
You talk about you like you're gone,
when it's the conversation that's
in the past, not you.
In the sentence that states:
"I don't like you I love you.
It should be rewritten to say:
I don't like you, I love you.
You need to add a comma.
"Your not pretty" should be
You're not pretty, you're beautiful.
"I wouldn't cry I would die"
needs a comma-> I wouldnt cry, I ..
Try to make use of commas, and watch
your spelling. Not always easy,
I know :) Lots of good writers are terrible
spellers.
I hope you're enjoying Writing.com as
much as I do. There are so many good
people here. You'll enjoy it. Keep on
writing. I'm looking forward to reading
more of your work !
Warmest best, Gabriella
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