Beautiful, Suzan ! I've read something of yours before and remember liking that too. Nothing I can suggest to change this. It's haunting and lovely. You write well.
Best of luck with your work. Thanks for sharing it.
Gabriella
A compelling poem. It's one we can all
relate to. It's nicely constructed
and it tells your story simply and well.
Good luck with it and with your
writing. All the best,
Gabriella
Haly: it's such a great idea you've got.
As I read the poem, I wish you had
developed it with a little more telling details so the
reader is a little more sure who this person
is and how old she is. It's a little confusing.
Although it could be that I'm just slow :)
I like your theme and I think this poem
could be dynamite if you'd be willing to fill in a few
gaps. If however you like
making the reader guess a
little, offer hints about the woman that
are a bit more telling. Bony hands can be
attached to young as well as older arms,
ditto with sunken sockets. Weathered
hands or grey eyes that were once blue are
examples of what you might do.
You decide if any of this makes sense.
In the meantime, good work !! Keep on
writing. All the best, Gabriella
You've given your words life
that is meaningful in light
of your sobering lament.
I hope you'll keep on writing.
I have a feeling you have lots
to say and to share.
Warmest best, Gabriella
I liked the poem and loved
your final stanza. Bravo !
I hope your story is real
and you've truly found a better guy,
someone to treat your love as
a gift; a guy who will support you through
all kinds of weather--stormy
and sunny. Your message is one
we all need to heed. Don't invest
in someone who can't love and respect
you exactly as you are. And,
especially don't hang on to
someone who is withholding and
only capable of thinking of his own
needs. Sounds like you
hung in there and believed in
your own value enough to
go for the right guy when he appeared.
Fix up the misspellings and make
some spaces between your thoughts
to give your readers a chance to
absorb what you're saying.
Appearances count, much as we don't
like to think they do. Good luck
with your writing ! Gabriella
You write well enough that my stomach
did backflips at least three times
during the course of reading your story.
The violence waiting to happen
was woven throughout. I'm not sure who is
the most threatening sociopath--the
guy you wrote about, or
the guy who killed his girl.
You have a future writing detective
stories. Have you done any of that ?
Good luck with your writing.
Gabriella
Diane, I'm sure whatever I could possibly say to tell you how extraordinary your work is, must have been said
way more eloquently ten times over by now. So, I'll just
add a few heartfelt words to the kudos you must be getting. Your work is exceptionally rich and beautifully articulate; you don't hold back, not even a little. Your emotions are so powerful and you share with such an open heart. Your gifts are many and truly remarkable. I feel humbled by your work, your courage and your sweet friendship. Lovingly, G
A tough process, I appreciate how
difficult that is. One thing I noticed
that might be helpful. A couple of
small suggestions:
"few to many bumps" should be: few TOO many bumps
"And missing for you" might be better if you
write: And missing you.
Another suggestion for you to think about:
Only start the sentences at the beginning of each
line with a capital letter if it is the beginning
of a whole sentence. If the next sentence is a
continuation of a thought from the sentence before,
start the sentence with lower case. Example:
"Still leaving behind a
few forgotten memories"
Just a thought. It helps the reader sail through
without pausing to figure out how the sentences work.
Also, have you thought about breaking up the poem
a bit ? Not necessary but it might be easier to read
and each segments, more powerful.
Thanks so much for sharing the poem. It's poignant
and certainly a situation many of us have
had to hurdle...so you have my sympathy.
All the best, Gabriella
A metaphor that offers an
important lesson: surviving tough times
requires staying focus and hanging
on. I like the
poem and your hopeful ending.
Thanks for sharing it.
Gabriella
A frightening haunting story.
I looked at your other
work. You write very well.
I hope you'll keep on
writing--you obviously
have a lot to say.
Thank you for sharing your
work. Gabriella
I looked at another one of your poems.
I think your work is good; you write
intelligently and with a powerful voice.
Bravo Wigs ! Keep on writing.
Gabriella
A sad poem, I liked it and your writing style.
You last stanza reminds us sometimes the solution
is so simple an yet it eludes us.
Thank you for sharing your poem.
It was a joy to read.
All the best, Gabriella
You've certainly captured the essence of
the artist in this simply stated, lovely, upbeat poem.
I like your poem's rhythm. You did
a nice job putting it together. It's
nicely written too.
You've got ability. I hope you'll
keep on working at creating many more poems.
Just a couple of suggestions:
In the second stanza, poets should be poet's.
Sculpters should be sculptor's
And singers should be singer's. I'm
sure you knew that.
Best of luck to you, New Guy.
Gabriella
Jake-I liked the poem a lot !
I think you hit a home run with
this one. We're a nation of people
who feel we've lost our way.
It's a daunting task finding and
electing leaders who stand for
what is good and decent.
This is a wonderful poem. Brave, Jake !
I have a feeling you have much to say.
I hope you'll keep on writing.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Gabriella
I can hear the rhythm in your poetry.
You must be a rap artist ??
There is a beat, a kind of tap tap tapping
rhythm that pervades all of your poetry.
I like it. It's part of what makes
your poems so appealing.
Good work on this one too !
Best of luck, Gabriella
An important message, obviously dear to your heart.
You decide if you think the poem could use
a little attention.
"I never told to let go"--do you mean
I never told you to let go ?
What did you mean he was leaving for good ?
Did you mean he was leaving town, not
communicating anymore ? Maybe it doesn't matter.
I like your theme and the beginning...I wonder
if you agree, the rest of your
story-poem could use a little filling in.
It's your poem; I know it can help
to receive constructive suggestions. You'll
have to decide if this is one of those.
All the best, Gabriella
The story is so appealing till you get to the last paragraph. What do you mean, you're searching for
your best friend ? I hope you mean the police are
looking for your best friend. These people were
murdered. The story is dramatic; the voices
of the people murdered wanted you to find them.
You did that so well. For what it's worth, I think
that you suggest you're looking for your friend
is inappropriate so the ending seems awkward. If
you say the police are looking, it would make more
sense. Up to you of course, this is your baby.
I liked the story itself. Well done !!
Gabriella
A remarkable poem !
You've crafted it beautifully.
It's complex, interesting and
has much to offer. Bravo !
I hope you keep on writing.
All the best, Gabriella
Wow, JA, this is pretty wild. I would never have guessed
what was going to happen. A good story, a tough one. And, the surprise ending is an added feature. Bravo !
You obviously put a lot into making a good story. Leave a space between the paragraphs. A couple of suggestions. Compare my sentences to yours to see the changes:
"He felt like he had been sitting in his one bedroom cell forever, and if there ever was a real life version of hell, it would definitely be a prison. (note commas)
"because I can’t remember the last time I got to play basketball outside" (delete the word EVEN used twice in sentence)
" The only company I’ve had is this guy whom I’ve never met in the cell next to me; (USE WHOM)
"Man, if it weren’t for him, talking to me all the time, I might have gone mad years ago"
"A letter would let them know how I feel" (not felt)
"Jack did as he said: writing his family" replace
semi-colon with colon.
After saying he never heard from his son or his wife, start a new paragraph. Remember to leave as space between paragraphs. You need to offer your reeader a little breathing room here and there throughout the story.
"Why in God's name did he do it ? He had no answers,
only questions"(exchange not with no)
"he remembers seeing his wife come into the bedroom to find him the way he was; over. Jack gave up on them.
(I didn't understand this sentence. Maybe you could think how to clear it up)
" He opened the front door to his house. Nothing had changed, nothing at all"
JA--replace semicolons with commas.
" He walked up the stairs to his wife’s room. She was sleeping alone. Thank God for small miracles. He took a few steps back and glanced into his son’s bedroom. His boy was gone" (make smaller sentences--cut out overuse of semi colons :)
"he dreamt of sleeping next to"
"his life. Then, suddenly she spoke up"
(cut the sentence instead of using
semi colon)
"with her eyes shut. She knew Jack was there"
(cut sentence)
"Jack, but what? He saw red blood, anger, and for a moment a tranquil silence filled his head. Similar to the last image of his son. He looked down at his wife who was still sleeping"
"Without waking she began to speak. Jack could hear her as if her lips were inside his ears, her voice piercing a shrill cry in his brain" (note removal of semi colons and a few excess words)
I hope these suggestions are helpful, JA...a good story, the changes are window dressing. Your story is good, these changes will make it a bit easier to read,
I think. You'll decide if they make sense to you.
I'm so glad to have read your story. I hope you'll keep on writing. Thanks for sharing it.
All the best, Gabriella
Millie: your poems are wonderful.
I read this and the latest love
poem. Both are excellent, well written
with depth and polish. The longer
poem is a total delight to read.
I'm impressed ! I hope you're
going to keep on writing.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Gabriella
I think this is remarkable.
You dug down deep to find just the
right words, and you succeeded. Big time.
I can feel the enormity of your loss.
You remind us how devistating
beyond words it must be for a mother to
lose her child. I hope with love, patience and
time she'll find her way back.
Warmest best, Gabriella
Sometimes the most beautiful messages
are the simplest: clear and to the point.
This is a truly lovely prayer. Thanks
so much for sharing it. Gabriella
Lindsey--a wonderful theme, one I admire
and think about. There is something about
the adventure of conquering a new challenge,
reminding ourselves we're capable of
so much more than we think. I guess the
flip side of that coin is learning to love
and be grateful for what we have. As a society
we're so acquisitive, always looking for more,
perhaps to our own detriment, eh ? Your poem is
thought provoking, Lindsey-I can't think of a
better result. I particularly like "live long, love life why do you want, wanting is why".....
Best of luck to you with your writing, Lindsey.
I have a feeling you've got lots more to say.
Gabriella
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