Re: Annie and the Small Cabin in Canada
A bit of advice:
Create more paragraphs,
and take care to add space between the paragraphs.
This will make your story more inviting and
easier to read.
While this story is intriguing, and I found
myself in its grip quickly, I noticed that
your descriptions are sometimes
repetitive and distracting. I understand how tempting it is
to repeat what Annie looks like. However,
when your readers travel from line to line,
they will find it distracting to see you repeat
your use of "small" and "tiny"
approximately 6 times. Once you've
established that Annie and her hands
are small, and her eyes are blue, there is no need to repeat
Repairs Needed: You'll find these are quick fixes !
You write: The red embers of the fire inside were stating to go dim
Correction: "stating" should be starting.
You write: "she already regeted her decision"
Correction: "regeted" should be regretted
You describe: "long, soft, black hair"
Correction: Do you think long black hair is sufficient ?
You write: "hair gently fell down behind her"
Question: is this description important ? If you want to keep
it, how about: her hair slipped down below her shoulders ?
You write: "She Cursed as the heavy iron door gave.."
Correction: "Cursed" should be cursed.
You write: "shivering off the cold before settled"
Correction: how about: shivering off the cold before settling
under the covers ?
You write: "loosen the cover's"
Correction: loosen the covers
You write: "Yes, She was thankful she had the pastor of her church that took her in and took care of her when an accident had took the lives of her parents 4 years ago"
Correction: Yes, she was grateful for the church's pastor. He took her in, and
he took care of her when an accident took the lives of her parents four years ago.
Final corrections. How about: While the community gave her work so she could make money to survive, it just wasn't enough.
You write: "Someday, someone was going to take care of her."
How about eliminating this line ? You talk about finding someone to
take care of you a couple of times. What do you think ?
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter in this story.
Before placing your chapters or stories in your portfolio to be
read and reviewed, take a few minutes to make sure you
trim the descriptions that are repetitive.
The goal is to become your own best critic.
In the meantime, if you make changes, I will
rewrite your review and bump up the number of
stars attached to your story. Be sure to let
me know if you want a rewrite.
Thank you for introducing Annie
and her dilemma, Ann.