*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gabriellar45/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/6
Review Requests: ON
1,402 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Review of Song of War  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Tommy Mooney
A New Member, Writing.Com

Title: Song of War

Subject: Football

Structure:

This free-verse Poem is stunning !
An excellent pattern of sound and rhythm
emerges in these free-verse lines,

You have a natural ability to
paint the picture you want us to see
with your pen, Tommy.
Your descriptions of the football
players and their attire are
powerful. I am really impressed.
I hope you will continue on to write
many more poems.
You're a talented writer, Tommy.


Two Stanzas:

I especially like these two stanzas:

"The quiet thump of the ball
being pressed into the running
back’s chest as he vaults over
fallen brothers through the enemy lines;

The subtle crack of helmets
as the defender makes contact,
wrapping his prey before going
in for the kill assisted by comrades"

Your poem is nicely formatted
and well presented without errors.

Summary:

Nice work, Tommy ! You mentioned
your teacher may not be as impressed
as we are. If you continue writing
wonderful poems, I'm certain your teacher will
see the error of his ways.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella








127
127
Review of Writing  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Tommy Mooney
Re: Writing


Greetings !

A warm welcome to you, Tommy Mooney !
We're pleased to have you here with
us on Writing.Com. I see you joined us
two days ago. I admire your pace,
and the impressive work you've placed in your
new portfolio in a few days.

Your Poem:

I particularly like your poem, "Writing."
While, I admire Raymond Carver's poem,
I like your poem better.
Carver's poem was written to share
all of the odd and not-so-odd places
the fellow in his poem has fallen
asleep. Yours is more adventurous
and meaningful. It tells us
writing is this fellow's lifeblood.

Choice of Words and their Relevance

"He wrote about the gray cloudy skies.
And the blistering, hot sun.
When inspiration hit late at night, he crawled out of bed and wrote.
He wrote because he liked to.
Because he had to.
Because it told him more about himself than anything else.
Wrote about growing up.
Living life, having fun, falling in love."

Your Writing Style:

This poem's style reminds me of the "stream of consciousness"
writers. Similarly, in your writer's veins there is a fast moving,
never-ending flow of words and sentiments looking to escape
onto the page.

I enjoyed my first visit to your portfolio, Tommy.
I look forward to returning to read more.
I hope you will continue on to write more poetry.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.





128
128
Review of Home  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)


To: Mike
Re: Home

Alzheimers


This is a beautiful, dignified story. You show us what real love
is all about. You spoke with your dad with such respect
and appreciation for what he said vs what you wish he
could say. You are an inspiration, Mike. We should
learn from your selfless love and kindness. You left your
dad happy. Your affection and your effort to recognize
the man sitting at your table on his terms are
especially touching. It's not surprising that the get-together
struck a chord which gave your father great comfort and a
feeling that all is right with the world. I am deeply
touched by your story.

Your Writing:

You related your experience with your dad beautifully.
I was riveted and am so grateful for what you teach
us by example. You show us that love is greater than the
power of your dad's Alzheimers sufficiently to
turn an emotional and somewhat sad visit into a magic
one for your dad. Your story is heartfelt as is your sincerity.

Thank you for sharing your dad with us, Mike.
This is a stirring, lovely account of a
wonderful father-son outing.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.



129
129
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks, dear Dana !

Good afternoon, Dr Write !

Welcome to Writing.Com. I see you just signed on today !
I'm impressed that you wasted no time to post your "Personal Narrative."
You chose a wonderful example of your writing to share with us. I thoroughly enjoyed it !

Several years ago, I spent a couple of weeks camping with friends on a sandy beach on Prince Edward Island. We loved every minute of every day and night spent on PEI. We fished for our dinners, and found lots of small stands on the sides of the roads bulging with baskets of fresh vegetables and fruits. Needless to add, the PEI countryside is breathtaking.

Clearly, your decision to apply for a scholarship to join the Sears Festival produced a once-in-a-lifetime life altering experience. You mentioned the Watermark Theater. I enjoyed looking at their web page. The Sears Festival looks like a wonderful program. Most important, you took full advantage of every minute of every day and each acting challenge. This says it all: "This conservatory was a part of my life that fueled my desire to act. It was worth every second of it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat."

Your descriptions combined with your excellent writing produced a compelling first post here on W.Com. I hope you plan to jump right in to write more. You will serve as an inspiration to many of the new writers who follow you down this path by joining Writing.Com each week.

While you settle in on W.Com, if you have questions or need help,
don't hesitate to get in touch.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.
130
130
Review of Birch Trees  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)


To: Slick

Re: Birch Trees

First and foremost:


A warm welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you're finding your way around this grand forum, loaded with fun activities, writing challenges, workshops, and courses. Below, you'll find links to two programs set up to welcome and encourage new members like you. You'll find it easy to make new friends, and you will always be able to ask for help to locate activities and a variety of W.Com newsletters.

GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy

"The Newbies Academy Group

Priorities:

This wonderful piece inspired my review, Slick. After reading it twice, to be sure I didn't miss a word, I decided we should talk about your format.

This will only take a few minutes.

While I admire this perfect rectangle format, I found it tough on the eyes. I mention this because I believe it may discourage readers in its present form. This grand block of words, planted with great care in this box, catches our attention, which is good. Having said this, try breaking your writing into several well placed paragraphs. Step back to see if you agree, it looks better and is more inviting.

This change will give your readers a chance to review comfortably. It is a grand piece, Slick. The second step I suggest is you take a few minutes to shift from all caps to caps and lower case. This will shift attention from the box to your writing. I hope these suggestions are useful.

Your Writing:

Having read this piece all the way through, I can honestly say, it is worth the effort to make it as warm and accessible as your lovely descriptions are, Slick. You invite us to walk in the woods with you to find the "magical place where hundreds of tall trees reach to the Heavens, standing side by side like soldiers." While you're walking you recall the long winter walks you enjoyed in these woods in the long-ago past. You display it as beautiful and peaceful with your writer's virtual brush.

Quick Fixes In closing, I found a bunch of small errors that I will be happy to share with you, along with offering easy fixes. I will be happy to send my suggestions to you via email. Receiving suggestions by email may make them easier to work with, especially after hours when you can do this in your favorite chair.

Nice work, Slick !!

All the best,

Gabriella

.


131
131
Review of Independence Day  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Royal Eduardo
Re Your Crime Stories


After reading this crime story, I came away wishing you had
more 13+ or E rated stories simply because those
ratings will make it possible for your work
to become more accessible.

I can see why this crime story has an 18+rating.
Sadly, the great victory in this story is the
father, a terrifying man who beats his
daughter endlessly is set on fire
by his wife and daughter.
They commit this crime without a moment's
hesitation and a glimmer of regret.
The mother and daughter have spent a lifetime
living with violence
such that they can retaliate with a
heinous crime without giving it a second thought. How are
they different from the vicious husband/father ?

Setting aside how we judge crime stories, your story is
well written. I hope you'll take some of the
talent you've given over to ratings that prevent
you from being seen, to write stories
with the ratings that will make it possible for you to
become better known and recognized in the larger
W.Com community.

All the best,

Gabriella

.
132
132
Review of Tragedy  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Fonzi
Re: "Tragedy"


First and foremost: A warm welcome to Writing.Com,
Fonzi. We're so pleased to have you here with us.
I hope you're finding your way around this busy writers
forum. If you haven't already, take a few minutes to check out
a couple of wonderful programs set up to welcome and
and encourage new members:

GROUP
The WDC Angel Army  (ASR)
Dedicated to promoting positivity, encouragement, and support to the WDC community.
#1188309 by iKïyå§ama

"The Newbies Academy Group

Feedback for your poem, "Tragedy."

This exceptional poem is laced with pain, sensitivity, and
wisdom, Fonzi. Wisdom that comes from having had an intimate
relationship with drugs and/or alcohol. Whether you know
this story as a result of having experienced it, or you write
out of caring and concern for those young people who
struggle with an absence of adequate loving care and support,
you've given your young readers something to think about
while you also reach out in an attempt to lift the pain.

Each well thought-out line in this poem folds seamlessly
into the next line. It is a fine poem. And, you are a talented
writer, Fonzi. I hope you continue on to write more poetry.
I look forward to returning to read more.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.

133
133
Review of Reflections  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)





A Message for Anwesha


This story has a ring of sincerity and unguarded sadness attached to it that caused me to think you must have written this from the heart. If so, I admire your candor. I believe kindness and the loving support of friends and family make all the difference when those black clouds hang over you for what may feel like an eternity.

With the passing of time, your spirits will lift. And, your heart will glow with happiness when you find the right man, someone who will love you just as you are. As for this man who stole your heart and broke it into little pieces when he decided he didn't want it anymore, I hope you appreciate, nothing good ever comes from the many ways your ex-husband was cruel and demeaning. The best thing you can do for you is to stop thinking about this man. As long as you find it hard to fight off the memory of his cruelty and demeaning remarks, you're validating his messages. When you make up your mind to begin again with a clean slate while grabbing what is healing and positive, you'll begin to feel better, and you'll be glad he is gone from your life.

Best of luck to you,

Gabriella




134
134
Review of Hope  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: Annthurnherr
Re: Hope

Suggestions:


*BoxCheckR*Do you think this piece is more like
an allegory or an anthology ? An anthology is
a published collection of poems or other pieces of writing.
An allegory can be described as a parable,
a moral story, a fable, analogy, or metaphor.
I think allegory is a much better
match with this wonderful tale.

*BoxCheckR* Before we proceed, I suggest you
break this solid block of writing, that can be
discouraging for enthusiastic readers to tackle,
into several paragraphs. You'll find this wonderful
piece will attract attention once you take a few minutes
to break this block into several paragraphs.
Be sure to create space between the paragraphs.
Your readers need to take a breath now and then.

*BoxCheckR* Make a few Easy Repairs:

Where you say: "her lips perfectly red"
try: her lips were perfectly red.
Where you say: "she brought upon despair"
try eliminating: "upon."
Where you say: "once she fell in love with
a charming young man, eliminate "once"
Where you say: "anyones mood,
replace with: anyone's mood
Where you say: "Who grew into.."
write: She grew into...
Where you say: "Her light amber eyes
changed to a scotch color and told Despair"
End the sentence after "color" and
start a new sentence with She told Despair
she understood.
Where you say: "where humans took her in
gladfully and Hope had given human life"
Instead, say: where humans took her in
happily. Begin the next sentence
with: Hope gave human life .....

This is a wonderful piece, Anthurnherr !
It is beautiful, tender, and loving.
I read it and reread it. Each time, I fell in love
with it all over again. Make these few repairs,
and shift your description from Anthology to
Allegory. I know you will receive much
deserved praise for the beauty
and elegance of this story.

All the best,

Gabriella
135
135
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


To: Sean O'Brien
EMP Perspective

Context:


The concept of an EMP, or something remotely similar, doesn't seem impossible. When we read about the sonic weapon's invasion of the American Embassy in Cuba's highly sensitive, well guarded communications center, we were astounded. All of this was achieved by pointing a sophisticated hand-held device, never deployed before, at specific offices in the Embassy from a building across the street. As quickly as this huge, troublesome front-page story came and went, we were left with the knowledge of this powerful, futuristic technology with its potential to do great harm without firing a single shot.

Sean's Story:

Sean opens his story with the discovery of the first unsettling after-effects of what you describe as a nuclear explosion in space. We can see how this will eradicate the most vital necessities of everyday living. The attack on the planet's ability to function in Sean's story looms large as a scary prospect, one that surfaces without warning.

The Author's Goal:

It is clear Sean set out to build on the knowledge of the main character who discovers and begins to recognize what is happening when she sees her electricity is out, her cell phone is out, and her neighbor's car won't start. The fear level rises when it is clear that there is no electricity anywhere, and most vehicles won't start. In one terrifying minute, we're reminded that people will resort to the lowest level of human behavior in order to survive. Sean has effectively, without fanfare, showed us what happens when our lives and livelihoods are threatened.

The Story's Content:

This story is exemplary in its careful preparation and organization. It unfolds with a minimum of fanfare- with very little effort given to describing the story's characters and surroundings. What matters most is the crux of the crisis and the after-effects of the bombing. Needless to add, the story's ending is not entirely unfamiliar. Life in war-torn Syria provides a far-off example of how it is to struggle (sometimes to steal and injure) while groveling for food and medicine. With one deadly act,
this author shows us what will happen as this population moves into survival mode.

In Short:

This story is a strong mix of unreal and real. There is something unsettling about this story. Perhaps this is why we find this story compelling.
Nice work, Sean. I hope you continue on to write many more good
stories.

Gabriella


136
136
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: JoJo
Re: Your Mother and WW II

Background:


JoJo tells us his mother "was born on February 1, 1935 in the province of Leyte in the Philippines. She grew up in a poor and patriarchal family. Ignorance and poverty were the prevalent mode in their small community.

Since the Philippines were colonized by the Spaniards for more than three hundred years, Jojo's mother grew up in a devout Catholic family. Farming was the life-blood of the average family. According to his mother "though they were poor, they lived a happy life, until the war came."

The Philipines during the World War II

JoJo tells us in 1940, "while Nazi Germany under Adolf Hitler was ravaging Europe, the Japanese Imperial Army was moving fast towards East Asia region; conquering territories after territory. The Philippines was not spared in the war because aside from the fact that the Philippines were an American allied, it is at the same time part of the so called co-prosperity sphere (list of target nations) of Japan. My mother's family and other relatives were forced to leave the town after it was bombarded by Japanese airplanes."

Impressions:

My father was an historian. His descriptions of the military's return to the Philippines and the important details of the war have been lost with the passing of time. To this day, I recall what a brutal, overwhelming undertaking it was for the American and Philippine troops to engage the Japanese. Not only did the deep muddy terrain create a hideous deterrent, the complex and never-ending invasions spread from the Layette Valley to the Battle of Shoestring Ridge, the battles along the Ormoc Coast, Camp Downes, and Luzon. The troops were worn and the equipment and supplies were insufficient to manage the battles that were ferocious and unyielding, A record number of lives were lost in an effort to send Japan packing. .

Your Story:

This story is extremely well written. Your descriptions are clear and
your accounts are written to inform and shed light on how it was to live in Leyete before and during the Japanese invasion. I can't imagine how unsettling it must have been for your mother and her family. Whether or not the USA's attempt to rescue the Philippines was considered a collosol gift or a huge error, for the American families who lost so many soldiers to rescue the Philippines, there will always be, as you pointed out, people who think of America's role as audacious.

Summary:

It is rare that we hear about this war from the standpoint of the Philippine people. Your views and articulate descriptions add value and perspective. You stretched our knowledge and awareness of life in Leyete during World War II with the recollections of the next generation whose parents recall how it was to endure the elongated war and loss of lives.

Thank you, JoJo, and all the best,

Gabriella

.

137
137
Review of Memoirs  
for entry "The Dress
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


*Star* Connieann:

I love this story ! How many of us have had to navigate our ways through whacky moments like this.

My daughter decided at age 14 she'd use some of the money she earned baby sitting to buy herself hair coloring. She snuck the box into the house and when she arrived at the breakfast table in the morning, her hair was blonde instead of light brown ! She didn't look terrible. She just looked different--not at all like herself.

That afternoon, she had a swimming competition. After swimming. she worked at drying her hair before leaving school in the bus. As her hair dried, she saw much to her shock that the chlorine in the pool mixed with the hair dye had turned her hair bright green. It took two hours in the beauty salon to modify the color so it was no longer green.

You see what your story inspired ?

You tell a wonderful story, Connieann. I'm impressed at how gracefully you write. Your stories unfold beautifully. They are engaging and thoroughly appealing. The flow of this story is perfect. And, the pace of your story is such that we are riveted from your story's opening line to the story's end.

Congratulations on a job well done, Connieann !

All the best,

Gabriella

.
138
138
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: SoulRaider

Re: Solar Cells: what future they have


What motivates your interest in science,
space travel, energy, bio-fuels and life
on other planets ? Clearly, you are a scientist, a
science nerd, or you had a wonderful
STEM education. In any case, your
portfolio is rich with musings and excellent
information/education on many topics that we
must consider going forward.

Last year, I looked into placing solar panels
on my house. Unfortunately, the house
was not positioned well to place panels
on the roof. Since then, I moved from
Pennsylvania to Vermont. This state
has always been concerned with
preserving clean air and discouraging
an onslaught of developers from
moving in to build thousands of condos,
etc. As a result, the air is clear and the
thousands of acres, including beautiful mountains,
valleys, rivers and streams, are still
as beautiful and clean as always.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your piece
on the future of solar panels. I hope the panels
will be refined and the price of purchasing
and installing is greatly reduced. I think it
was during Clinton's term in office that we were
offered tax breaks for purchasing solar panels.
Sadly, those days are over for the forseeable
future.

Thank you for your wisdom. Each article is
written to be appreciated and understood.
Nice going, Soulraider ! I look forward
to returning to read more.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.

139
139
Review of Rain Rain go away  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

To: DRBoris
Re: Rain Rain

This poem is hysterical. Not sure
it earns its "psychological" branding
unless whacky counts !
I'll take your word for it that this
deserves its "emotional" and
"biographical" labels.

I must admit, I don't think I'd give it
an E status. Still, it's clever. And, your
descriptions are the 5-star
heroes in this one heck of a good poem !

It's great to see you here again, Boris.
I hope all is well and life is good.

Warmest best,

Gab

.
140
140
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To: RFSmith
Re: Trump is Not President of America


Are we the USA or America ?

RFSmith points out: "There is no such thing, as the President of America. This is not a political article, it is a comment about people from the USA using the term America for their country, when other people in America are annoyed by this. America is the name for North, Central and South America. The USA is a large part of North America, and a few islands in the Pacific Ocean. So Trump is wrong to use slogans like, Make America Great Again, and America First foreign policy. "

Smith also reminds us: "Canada covers a larger area of North America than the USA does. It is like when English people refer to the UK as England, or England as Great Britain."

And: "If President Trump has an America First foreign policy does this mean that he is working for all North, Central and South America ?"

Well, Mr Smith, you make several good points. Good luck getting
President Trump to change his tune !

Write on and All the best,

Gabriella

.
141
141
Review of Her Wings  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)

To: Concrete Angel
Re: Her Wings

ConcreteAngel's Allegory:

This is a wonderful challenge for all of us to consider.

"The girl who everyone thought was unbreakable, finally broke. Every time she tried to be strong and give her all she crumbled. All her broken pieces put into a box for safekeeping. Eventually, the weight of the box became too much for her to carry. She begged for wings, I know it is an odd request but when you spend your life bogged down, and you feel have nothing left to lose, you are ready to fly. The girl is given her wings and she scoops up her box in her very frail arms and flies to the top of a jagged cliff."

At the top of the cliff, the girl is given a choice to reach into the weighty box to put the pieces of her life back together. Or, she can fly away and be free of pain. You'll have to read the poem to learn which of these options she chose.

This is a beautifully penned piece. It's author is new here.
We should be on the lookout for more of her writing.

A warm welcome to Writing.Com, ConcreteAngel !

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.
142
142
Review of Depression pills  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)


To Donnelly:
Re: Depression Pills


Your experiences with Depression:

This piece is heartwarming, painful, and
informative. The picture of your mother
lifting you up off the floor to go see
the doctor is particularly moving. You
described your depression with clarity
in a caring, sensitive way that
many of our readers will appreciate.

It is disappointing to find anti-depressant
drugs sometimes create more problems
than they solve. How wonderful that you
found a great partner who has been a
source of inspiration. That he believes
in you and gives you strength must be
reassuring and revitalizing, Donnelly.

I cheer you on, Donnelly. You deserve all
the best. Your experiences and observations
are bound to be helpful to others who read
your writing here on W.Com.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella
143
143
Review of Rough days  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Donnelly

Re: Rough Days


Your Experience with Anxiety and Depression:

"This is a real medical issue. Anxiety is a real problem, and is something that needs to be dealt with. Anxiety is not in your head. It's a reaction to fear, just worse. Bad news, it doesn't always go away. Good news, there are ways to calm down." (Donnelly)

You remind us, the many ways that people have of trying to calm a friend or family member who is suffering from anxiety and depression, can make things worse rather than better at times. You point out how patronizing a well-meaning friend can be. Instead, encouraging a friend to talk can be especially useful if the friend listens with loving support --while resisting the temptation to lecture or judge.

Mechanics:

There are small errors here and there in this essay that need attention, Donnelly. If you want me to be more specific, let me know. I will mail what I see that needs fixing for you to consider. This way, you will have a chance to think about the suggestions without feeling pressed to do so. If you make these changes, you'll find your paper and the people who will read it going forward, will benefit from your wisdom and advice. Your paper is wonderful, Donnelly. If you fix the errors, you'll find your work will receive the level of support and encouragement it deserves.

Your sensitivity and astute observations are clear and compelling, Donnelly. I hope you will continue on to write more on this subject to help friends, family members, and colleagues become well informed in ways that are meaningful.

All the best,

Gabriella

.



144
144
Review of Why Why Why  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Danfer


Re: Why Why Why

We're so pleased to have you here with us, Danfer. I see you joined
Writing.Com one week ago on October 9. I am including a link to one
of Writing.Com's support groups for new members. If you join,
you'll make new friends, and you'll be given help navigating this
busy writing metropolis.

GROUP
Newbie Help And Support Group on hiatus  (E)
Group dedicated to helping newbies learn their way around WDC
#1767965 by Tiggy


Your Poem: Why Why Why

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem.
And, I'm in awe of your ability to capture your son's head-over-heels
teenage bliss with this ode to love, Danfer:

"Why do I see stars in broad daylight?
Why do I quiver to my greatest delight?

Why do I sense it at first sight?
Why do I toss and turn overnight?

Why do I enjoy every second of your presence?
Why do I endure every bit of your absence?

Why do I replay and listen to your favorite song?
Why do I lament "meeting is fleeting, parting is long"?

Why do I recollect the hours spent together?
Why do my lips tremble to utter?

Why do I feel walking in the cloud?
Why do I feel lonely in the crowd?

Why do I worry that you may let me down?
Why do I grow content as a king without a crown?

Why do I make a fool of me like a clown?
Why do I sometimes laugh sometimes frown?"

This is a portion of a longer poem. While your writing style is
understated, this is a beautiful portrayal of the sweet innocence
attached to falling in love for the first time. All of these
years later, I rejoiced as I read each "why."

Your format is a perfect match with the poem.
Needless to add, your poem is beautifully presented.

What I like most about your poem is the kindness
and respect you give your son.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella


145
145
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Chidialights
Re: The Rising Evening Sun

Your Story:


This is a beautiful, touching story, Chidia. You're off to a great start !
I hope you're enjoying Writing.Com. We are so pleased to have you
here with us. If you need a little help, be sure to ask. There are
several wonderful programs for new writers where you can make new friends
and get help when needed to make your way around W.Com. I thought you
might enjoy checking this one. It is a wonderful program:

GROUP
The Newbies Academy Group  (E)
Need assistance and guidance. Stop on by!
#1949660 by ~ Sisco ~ Back!


Format:

I think you might find it is easier for your readers to enjoy your
wonderful story if you were to cut the large block of writing into
several separate paragraphs. I think you'll find it makes your job easier
too. You have a great story to tell...breaking it down into readable
paragraphs will make you proud. It will look and feel professional.

Suggestions:

If you would like a bit of help with your story, I would
be pleased to do this. I think it's a good idea to tackle that after
you are settled in on W.Com, and you feel up to fixing a bit here and there
in your story. In the meantime, thank you for sharing your lovely
story with us.

Warmest best,

Gabriella
.

.
146
146
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)

To: Kyle
Re: Pine Gap

First Impressions:


I had a wonderful time reading your story. I like your writing style and your format, Kyle. You stick to your story line and you provide just enough background info to keep us informed without fanfare. I am struck by the ease with which you tell a story, and the simplicity of your writing style. As a result, you are able to produce a super fast-paced story. You seem to have an excellent instinct for providing details when needed, but not so much that the momentum you've created is watered down.

Format:

I especially like the way you move from location to location. Each one belongs to a key character in your story. I hope you continue on to keep up this pace. In the first several paragraphs of this story three people have disappeared. I hope Jim and Carol are released from the horrible holding area which seems to have no purpose but to torture its occupants, leaving them without water, food, or an obvious way out. Carol disappeared many years ago. Jim has hoped he'd find her again someday. This reunion does not shed light on her disappearance and why she is here in this capsule with Jim,.but not for long. She disappears again. Jim is left wondering where his wife has been and why she is there, looking sick and wasted.


The Unidentified Flying Object:

In the final sentences of your first chapter, Kyle takes us to see the large flying object that looks somewhat like a plane at first: It zooms around," as if hypnotized" "With shocking abruptness, the ‘plane’ started moving in a straight line. The onlookers watched as it dived down, while leveling itself off in order to continue straight towards them. "No dust was kicked up underneath it, and the lights kept flashing different colors. The object itself was circular; on the top was a bubble and the disc surrounding the bubble seemed to be spinning."

This vehicle had "two rows of three lights that met at one end, so that they formed a V and the point of the V had another light on it. The light at the point of the V seemed to flash, like someone took a photo with a camera. When the object flew directly up, there was no sound, no rush of wind, nothing." Its disappearance and the close of Chapter One coincide.

Re: Suggestions

Kyle, while I have suggestions to offer, I thought it would make better sense and better use of your time if I were to send those separately. Let me know if you'd like me to do this. This is a good story. You're off to a great start, Kyle ! Nothing I have to offer includes making changes in your story line. The story is engaging in all the ways you'd hope to achieve when embarking on a high energy science fiction/ mystery story like this.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella
.
147
147
Review of Saturday Morning  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


To: Kimberly Thornton
Re: Saturday Morning

The Author


Kimberly is currently working on a collection of short
stories and possibly a book with her collection of poetry.
You will find her short stories here. Her poetry is on her
tumblr site. She writes: poetry, short stories, suspense,
horror. Homepage: https://soundcloud.com/kt_talks

Overview:

This short story is puzzling, compelling, and
suspenseful. From start to finish, I
had no idea what was happening. I couldn't
decide on one of a couple of scenarios.
It's clear this writer is content to see us confused and
worried. What happened to the mother ?
Maybe this was a bad dream. Bad dreams don't
have to make sense. At any rate, Kimberly Thornton,
you tortured us successfully and kept us in
your grip from the first line to the last.

A Couple of Suggestions:

*Star* You wote: " I didn't even try to comfort her. Remove "even."
*Star* You wrote: "So I guess I just thought it was her."
Try this: I decided it was her.
*Star* You wrote: "I remember being just too scared. Try: I remember
being too scared.

If you fix the few items that need a bit of attention, your story will get
the attention it deserves, and the rating you'll be delighted to have
earned.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella




148
148
Review of Helen MCGummer  
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


To: Blue Moon
Re: Helen McGummer

First Impressions:


This is well written story about Helen McGummer, a 16 year- old whose
heart throbs for Rick Tory, a 19 year-old musician who is considered to be the best rock singer of the millennial generation. Helen saw that the singer and his band were performing at the local concert hall for a quick two nights
that are likely to be sold out. Helen decides she'll have to sneak out one of those nights to see Rick Tory. The night of the concert, when her parents went off to bed, she slipped out of the house to run the few blocks to the concert hall. Helen realizes this may be the only chance she will have to see Rick Tory live.

While at the party after the concert, "Helen turned around from grabbing a Pepsi from a poolside cooler to find none other than Rick Tory standing in front of her. She can't quite remember what was said that night. Some niceties, some comments about the band, and Helen found herself led to an upstairs bedroom and, as the saying goes, the rest is history." Needless to add, little Bob will always serve as a wonderful reminder of Helen's fleeting moments with Rick Tory.

A couple of Suggestions:

You write: Helen would always have a special in her heart for her ''Little Bob''. Nothing would ever change that. Consider this: Helen will always keep a special place in her heart for "little Bob." Nothing will ever change this.
You write: "Helen cradles young Bob to her as she watches the rain."
Instead, try: Helen cradles young Bob as she watches the rain." When you
use the word "genuflect" I think you might have wanted: reflect.
Consider: "After exchanging some niceties and some comments about the band, Helen was led to an upstairs bedroom. And, as the saying goes, the rest is history."

I like this piece and look forward to reading more.
Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella


149
149
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Sew-No-More
Re: Tragedy Happens

The Author:


"For over 35 years I've been a Designer/Seamstress and Crafter. Until 3 years ago when I had a mild stroke. This made sewing harder to do.

Way back in 2005 I tried my hand at writing. There I found another passion. I sew sometimes, but not like I used to. Writing for me is just as enjoyable and it gives me peace of mind when I write stories. Something I've always wanted to do as well. So here I am! Loving every minute doing it. WDC has given me a whole new satisfaction. Type of Writer: Children's picture books, elementary age chapter books, fiction, & true stories, poems, bios and, who knows? I like it all."

The Story: Miracles Can Still Happen:

I thought about this story, wondering how I could begin to give the author and her story the credit they deserve. The story was built around Rosa, a caring, creative mother and wife. She loves her children and grand children. She is devoted to her husband. And, he is devoted to her.

Early one spring morning, Rosa receives a call from her doctor's office. The
nurse explains the reading they received as a result of a change in the recent results of her tests. The nurse went on to say: "the blood work came back positive for Cancer and she needs to come in for further testing and talk about possible treatments."

This courageous woman and her family recognized, no one ever found a place in the scriptures where someone came to Jesus for healing that they were not healed. Rosa, her husband, and children were determined that just believing in God was not enough. The answer was to believe in God and his power to heal.

"When the time came for Rosa's first follow up from the cancer treatment she turned and hugged Bill and said, " No matter what, I'll be with you always and forever." The follow up went fine. They took more blood from her still bruised arms. The doctor said, " as soon as the tests come back we will call you in for another treatment. Until then I can't make any further decisions.

For months, the doctors drew blood. Each time, the results were iffy. Until finally, Rosa and her husband drove in for the usual tests and conversations with her doctor. This visit with the doctor was different. Several doctors were in her room with her husband. The doctor reviewed the tests and went over the results. The doctor was trying to explain to Rosa and Bill something that could not be explained! Rosa and Bill were in shock! They replied to the doctors, " you're telling us the Cancer is completely gone and that there is no sign or trace in the tests that it was ever there ! "

At the close of the story, Bill and Rosa agreed, the power love had a great deal to do with Rosa's miracle. This is a wonderful story with a remarkable outcome. Courage and determination kept Rosa going, along with the love of her family and friends. Her story is inspiring and a very special gift to all cancer
patients.

Bravo and warmest best,

Gabriella


.


150
150
Review by Gabriella
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Bedrock
Re: Designated Driver

A Clever Story !


This story, written for a Flash Fiction Contest, is delightful !
You had me in your grip the moment the Sheriff
explained to his newly hired deputy that lying in wait
outside the local bar is the best place to pull over drivers.

Not five minutes later, a young man staggers out of the
bar and, with a great deal of fumbling and stumbling,
he got in his car and began the drive home.

Here's where the clever writer steps in. The fellow behind
the wheel it seems, is not the drunk driver we saw stumbling
in the parking lot, but a designated driver who stepped
in to rescue this young guy. Meanwhile, the drunk
driver went home as a passenger in another car.

Needless to add, the sheriff looked pretty silly giving this sober
man one drunk-driving test after another. He couldn't figure out why
this man who looked seriously inebriated back in the lot, is now
sober as a judge.

This is a wonderful, well written story, Bedrock. You are
a fine writer of fun flash fiction. I hope you continue on
to write more of these entertaining stories.

Bravo and all the best,

Gabriella

.
783 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 32 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gabriellar45/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/6