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Review Requests: ON
278 Public Reviews Given
286 Total Reviews Given
Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Romance
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm reading this because you misspelled the main word in your title. I thought "This does not augur well for the rest of her writing." The rest is actually reasonably good. But the title -- ICK! I hope that's just a typo, not that you were too lazy to actually look up how to spell the word.

SUGGESTIONS:
Turn on spell-check in whatever word processor you use to write (I use LibreOffice Write).
Get the free version of Grammarly.
Read some online tutorials about paragraphing.

Write on


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27
27
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (2.5)
Honest opinions. Whatever you thought, tell me. I just thank you for reading it! [Essay]

The title appears provocative, mysterious, intriguing, or even arrogant.

It does. The title is why I chose to read the essay.

"Humanity's Question of Existence", I'm 25 years old, why am I writing about this? I don't know.

It was a question that very much concerned me and my more intellectual sophomore friends in high school. By 25 I was married and more concerned with "Humanity's Question of Putting Food on the Table and Paying the Rent."

But I find myself typing nonetheless, so if you want to keep reading then great, if not, that's fine too.

Thank you for giving me the out. You're rambling, and don't seem to have a point, so I chose to stop reading here.

On the plus side, your mechanics (spelling, grammar, punctuation etc.) are excellent, so I plan to hunt down some of your other writing.


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28
28
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A delightful bit of doggerel.

The first three stanzas start out strongly, with regular rhythm and the second/fourth line rhyming with 'app.

By stanza four, you've a repetition of the second line (try "You can fill in the gap"), and in subsequent stanzas the rhyme scheme established in the first four verses breaks down. Not a real problem, but move the apparently random gap between verses 6 and 7 to separate 4 from 5 and indicate the shift in rhyming. I'm also not sure what the gap between 10 and 11 is for.

I liked the British flavor of Costa and Greggs...Oh, surely there's an app for my neighbourhood chippy?...and the cleverness of sleep-app-nia.

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29
29
Review of Ashes to ashes  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Clear, clean prose kept this from being draggy. Excellent mechanics, with full command of speling, grammer, and word use. *BigSmile*

Title is catchy, with a twist.

SUGGESTIONS

1. Although it is classified as a short story (fiction), this reads like non-fiction, composed of vignettes and complete with references, even. A story needs a coherent narrative arc, with one or more main characters, a central conflict, rising action to a climax...all that good stuff. I thought I was going to get that with Randy, but...nope. Maybe pick Randy or Ed and tell the story from their POV with the exposition woven in.

2. Is capitalizing 'Nation' standard American English? It's not really a proper noun--as in for example 'Cherokee Nation'--so strikes my Canadian eyes as odd.

CONCLUSION

A solid, readable piece by a competent writer; it met the contest requirements.

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30
30
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, drat. Every time I think I've written a really good entry for a contest, along comes somebody like you to show me how it's done. Bloody near perfect, this is. There must be a mistake somewhere in here (mumble, mumble...).

I seldom rate anything five stars but here I have no choice. So take that, darn you.

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31
31
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I wanted to read your story (I like sci-fi) but for some reason it's formatted so that I can only see part of it, even after adjusting my screen size many times. Please reduce the font size to 3 or 3.5. I managed the first few paragraphs by shifting left and right to read them.

There is no problem with using correct terminology to avoid unnecessary descriptions. The "pointed metal stick on his left foot" is called a tree gaff or a climbing spur; arborists and electric linemen use them. You can say "He drove the climbing spur on his left foot--a metal spike attached to his boot--into the trunk". Likewise, please call the "beam of light" a laser cutter and everyone will get it fine. BTW, when removing a branch, the arborist does an undercut first; otherwise the falling branch rips bark off as it falls, which damages the tree and exposes it to infection and insects. I think he'd do this even with a laser cutter. Or he could cut from bottom up, as a laser has no blade to bind from this cut.

a faint scream can be heard by Beanik. Use active case, please - "Beanik heard a faint scream".

At one point, it looks like Vintian is talking to himself. Review your speech tags to be sure they say what you think they say.

Also, you repeat that name Beanik a lot. I can tell just from skimming that by the end of your story I'll wince every time I see it. Is it a surname or a given name? Does he have a title? These can vary your usage. You can also use the simple pronoun "he" when it's clear that you mean Beanik.

You may have some good ideas and plot in your story and once I can read it more easily I'll come back to read the whole thing.


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32
32
Review of Birthday Candles  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Creepy little story, for sure. I'm guessing that you write a lot in the horror genre.

The birthday boy with the power to destroy sat alone I'd suggest removing "with the power to destroy" here. You don't need to tell us, because you show us in the story. Also, I found the rhyme a bit distracting, too reminiscent of "Little Miss Muffet / Sat on a tuffet".

And with each expired flame, more of the world had disappeared. I think it needs the past perfect here. Google it if you're not sure why.

I'm of two minds about repeated use of "the birthday boy" throughout, but I think for sure you should use it in the closing line: And so did the birthday boy. Why? It's a parenthesis or bracket -- you use the phrase in the opening sentence; using it in the final sentence closes the parentheses. It's also rhythmic when read aloud.

Best of luck in the horror contest!
GW


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33
33
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this format because it's like submitting for publication. You don't know who else has entered. You don't know how many submissions there are. You don't know the result until you hear from the editor.
34
34
Review of Feral  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with The Sci-fi Writers Guild  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A nice little horror story of a dystopian future (also entered in Dystopian Scrawlings?). Well-written, in my opinion.

Your main conflicts are MC vs the world and MC vs herself. A E Wilcox has criticized similar stories of mine for "not having an antagonist". I hope she and K Hawthorne are more charitable for this contest.

You might review your paragraphing. In some places you've missed the space between paragraphs. Easy to fix.

I’d had to abandon the car streets away I know what you're saying but this still bumped me out of the story because I didn't catch it at first. Maybe I’d had to abandon the car several streets away

Story arc. Beginning, middle, end -- check.
Speculative fiction element -- check.
Based on one of the prompts -- check.
Between 1000 and 5000 words -- check.

I think you've got a potential winner here: best of luck.

My entry is not in final draft, but I'd appreciate your taking a look at it as it stands now. Thanks in advance.
STATIC
Nutcracker in Hell  (18+)
A dancer/musician caught in the destruction of climate change is betrayed by a neighbor
#2278990 by Graywriter


GW


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35
35
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Old joke, well retold.

Your purpose here, you said, was to work on dialogue. Four key qualities of good dialogue are that it:
1) keeps the story going;
2) reveals the characters;
3) is believable;
4) interests the readers.

Since the dialogue is the story, #1 is good.
We learn something about Adam (a fan), Cathy (sociable) and David (raconteur, extreme fan) so #2 works.
The dialogue doesn't sound stilted or contrived, so hit #3
I read to the punchline, so #4 is met.

The only part that jumped me out of the story was this:
"Glad to meet you both; I'm David."
.
.
.
"Call me Dave."

Uh, if he wants to be called Dave, why did he introduce himself as David? Maybe the first intro is more formal, but even so it's more natural to give the common name at that time: "I'm David Brown. Call me Dave."

Mechanics and formatting of the dialogue are 100%. Nicely done.


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36
36
Review of End of Summer  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, Jake

Nice work and a well-deserved win. I particularly like the imagery of the last stanza.

Since all the rest is past tense, perhaps the line And spend the day should for consistency be And spent the day

I look forward to reading your future work.

GW


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37
37
Review of Dream Device  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Jake, this is a really cool idea! Your presentation here is basically a story outline, and might even serve for a novel. Once it's fleshed out with interesting characters and a plotline, it will make an intriguing read. Reminiscent of Philip K. Dick's "We can remember it for you wholesale" but easy to take a different path with your idea of dreamsharing on social media.


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38
38
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A gentle and kindly story that reads like non-fiction.

I like the headings for each speaker, and wish that had continued throughout, with the last two sections being Felix and Mai respectively. It's easy to tell whose POV is in each, but consistent labelling would be nice.

Your English is good, but there are some spelling (they're/their) and punctuation (use of semicolon) issues. Perhaps you could have another WDC member edit your work?

The best aspect of this story, for me, is the gentle mood, the delicate and sensitive narration that is held consistently throughout.


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39
39
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Title: Catchy

Characters: We have Grace, her mother Melissa, her father Warren, her maternal grandfather Bradley. We are told that Warren doesn't want Grace to grow up. We are told (by Grace) that she hates her father. There is the start of character development

Plot: The elements of plot are present. The MC has a problem (learning to drive; getting her license), there are obstacles (her attitude, her father's impatience); there is a bit of rising action (family arguments); there is a climax (she gets her license). Then there is the puzzling aftermath of the crash, which really only goes to reinforce Warren's belief that she was not ready to drive. When you've finished your story (she gets her license), stop writing!

Mechanics: There are sentence fragments that need to be joined. For example, Grace Clark quickly turns her steering wheel to the left. Sending her car into the oncoming lane. belong together: Grace Clark quickly turns her steering wheel to the left, sending her car into the oncoming lane. But by itself, this is odd -- why did she "quickly turn"? Oh, and " “You maybe,” answers me. “But not me.” Say what?

Dialogue: Generally properly formatted, realistic, serves to reveal character and advance plot. A strong point. There is some overuse of speech tags (repeating Warren, for example).

Overall: This is largely bald narrative, where the author is telling the story. Many times as I was reading this, I was thinking, "Don't just tell me, show me!" Here's an external example of tell/show: "It was really, really hot" vs "The sun beat on my head like a physical blow, turned my neck and ears to flame and glued my t-shirt to my back. I wiped the sweat out of my eyes..." Yes, showing is a little longer, but the added details and sensations add depth to the description.

In your story, here's one example of telling: She is obviously upset about what is happening to her. You don't have to tell us if you show us. She "storms up to the house" is showing. Perhaps she slams the door. Perhaps she stomps up the stairs. Certainly shouting "I hate you both" shows us, but get rid of "repeatedly" and show that: "I hate you! I hate you! I hate both of you!" Also get rid of "as she enters the family house" because you just told us she's there.

You have an opportunity to develop the tension between father and daughter during the opening lesson, and perhaps to hint at (show) what Melissa later tells--his conflict over Grace growing up.

To sum:a start at good characterization and plotting (except for the ending!). A good sense of narrative. Some future development required for editing and writing interesting "show" details.

Congratulations on your decision to expand beyond Sci-Fi. Best wishes for successful writing.


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40
40
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (3.5)
Much easier to follow!

If there's still time before deadline, you might review your dialog. Each new speaker starts with a new paragraph. For example,

“We would like to run a few test[s] on you.”

“There is no need for that...."

Again, lots of online tutorials. This is a standard format that you will also be able to use in your future writing. You note that you like reading, especially F & SF, so take note of how your favorite authors handle dialog.

Write on!
41
41
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm going to review this an make some suggestions, even though we've entered the same Writers Cramp.

A lot of nice elements here, some good images (the opening sentence, for example) and a strong emotional message at the end, so you have the basis of a strong story here.

Some mechanical things I hope you can fix before the deadline.

First, work on your paragraphing. You have four huge lumps of text that would be much easier to read and follow if you broke it up into paragraphs. There are lots of good online tutorials about how to write effective paragraphs if you need them, but if you don't have time, study what you've written and see if you can break it up a bit.

Second, there's the shift in tense from present at the beginning to past in the end. That jarred a bit. I suggest you keep it all in present tense.

Hope you find that helpful.

Best of luck and keep writing!


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42
42
Review of Lenore  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice story, that, with solid dialog carrying most of the plot load. A couple of issues.

This seems to be a nod to the Underground Railway, with these guys hiding southerners (runaway slaves?) but this part was not clear to me. The central story is Douglas's concern that his addled brother will harm his wife, and it seems the other subplot sort of disappears. If it's not important enough to develop, perhaps just write it out?

We shivered despite the fire. Who's we? Maybe, "Simon, my cousin James, and I shivered..." Or whoever to more clearly set the scene. As I said, though, these guys and their plot never really go anywhere and if they all disappeared would they be missed?

Long shadows from the beeswax candle nearby cast deep shadows over the messenger’s weathered face. Do shadows cast shadows? Don't you mean that the flame from the candle cast the shadows?

Best of luck in the contest!


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43
43
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Okay, this is a portfolio. "You can find the short stories that feature the characters Sherry and Michelle here. Newest stories are on the bottom!"

Sorry, I can find only a single story. And man, it's seven years old.

Why is this still in the "Please Review" queue?


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44
44
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I'm a bit confused. This is apparently part of a portfolio, and there is a note that newer stories are at the bottom. Yet I can find only one story. Anyway....

You have some odd formatting here. It's not customary to indent dialog. It's not bad, just unusual from my perspective.

The story structure has merit: a series of visits from various odd neighbors. Each tale should be complete in itself and deal with a single neighbor. The first story would be about Michelle's move, with flashbacks to breaking up with the boyfriend, problems with moving, finding a house (maybe an odd-ball realtor to suit the neighborhood). Next a story about Sherry, then a story about Walt.

What you have here is intriguing and promising but undeveloped. Work on it, flesh out your narrator and your characters to give them more body and depth. The oddness of the neighbors is not enough to carry the story: add events to build plot, create some problems with these neighbors for Michelle to work through or overcome.

Write on.
45
45
Review of Writer’s block  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, Sue, now that I know you're not Schnujo...

Catchy opening, gentle story arc that leads to the girding-the-loins conclusion.

The real Michael in Canada, when informed his images had been used to defraud several women of large sums of money <insert comma here> deleted his on line dating account.

Aha, a red herring! I had thought from this line that Tracy might persecute/prosecute The Real Michael for theft, leading to some online detective work, legal tangles, international travel, high emotions, tragic misunderstandings, final revelations, and true romance.

When I got to the simpler ending, I thought, "Oh. Hmm. Maybe she'll get to that when her novel is finished." *Smile*


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46
46
Review of The End  
Review by Graywriter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed the shape words...

...and chuckled at the ending.
47
47
Review of Once Upon a Kite  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice sentiment, and an effective image comparing the wind-dance of a kite to the ins and outs of a relationship.

Interesting rhyme structure, with ABAB CCC B repeated three times. Is that a standard format? I don't recognize it.

Structured poetry generally not also rhymes but scans well. Your rhymes are almost all perfect, with a few minor exceptions. Your iambic is fairly regular with some interesting variations (line 1 and 3 are tetrameter, line 2 and 4 trimeter; the triad is tetrameter; the single line trimeter). There's a rhythm breakdown in "and warm currents became wind shear," which could be inverted "and currents warm became wind shear" but that's just me being picky because otherwise it's on beat.

But I'll bet I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know when you wrote this.*BigSmile*


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48
48
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Just a quick note. I didn't finish reading this for a couple of reasons.

1. Please choose a consistent tense. This slips from past to present too frequently, and it doesn't look like the past parts are flashbacks. Please decide if the story is past or present. If you're not sure what I mean, here are examples:
Paragraph 1: Jakoline got up. She gestured --past tense
Paragraph 2: continues Jakoline. -- present tense
Paragraph 7: said Jakoline--past tense--as she walks--present tense. Two different tenses in the same paragraph!

2. I found repetition of the names Jakoline and Hearoll more than a bit tedious. The names do not need to be used over and over when only two people are talking. Please google "speech tags" or "dialogue tags" and read a few tutorials, then come back and rewrite this.

What I really liked was the way you formatted the story--having the paragraphs both indented and spaced made it clear and easy to follow as far as I did.


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49
49
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Not normally a fan of free verse, but I spotted your review request and thought I'd take a look.

I'd love some feedback on this poem, as well as the structure of the poem...I wanted to try some "visual onomatopoeia." Thank you in advance for your honest critique!


First up, you're talking about shape words, though there are other related terms. See the discussion at https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/249885...

Lot of nice word play and visual images. The visual of "disintegrated" and the metaphor "divorce court cold" caught my attention, as did "a sprinter around the wide, distended sun"--though I thought "wide" and "distended" a bit redundant--and "Arctic operas sung / in keys shattered sharp"

You've caught most of the character of the planet except its tenuous atmosphere and rough cratered surface.

I'm not a fan of free verse, but I liked this one.


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50
50
Review of Sam Platte  
Review by Graywriter
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Three cowboys making their way across country are reminded that danger is never very far away. An exercise with the genre. I'd be interested to know if I'm on the right track with it. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

IMO you're on track, if your track is an opening scene. You've introduced three men--Cherry, Sam, Kilkenny--and shown a bit about their character. You've set the scene--an evening camp. You've foretold some danger--being followed by Kiowas. Natural-sounding dialogue, few western clichés. Lots of good stuff here. I'd read on.

Some minor punctuation issues that you should be able to catch, mostly misplaced or missing commas.

I do have some issues with your opening paragraph. I like the overall structure with its setup for Cherry being overheard and its strong last line, but... We have a so-far unknown character talking to no one in particular. Who is Tarley? Is he important to the story? Otherwise, it's just a name that jars because I've no idea who he is. You've also got a run-on sentence that might be better broken up.

Here's a rewrite that lets the reader know who's talking to whom. It keeps Platte's race to the very end for emphasis. Can you see why I inverted the clauses in the second-last sentence? This is how I might do it, but you're writing the story so think how you'd change it, if at all.

Cherry said, "Ya know, Kilkenny, a fella once tole me Sam Platte was the best man with a gun he ever see'd." He took a swallow of his coffee and looked across the campsite to where Platte stood, brushing his mount down, patting the animal's side affectionately. Platte was talking to the horse, but he was too far away for Cherry to make it out. He looked back at Kilkenney and shook his head. "Never tole me he was a nigger though."

The next line is diamond. Love it. It goes on well from there. As I said, if there were more, I'd read it.


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