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1,475 Public Reviews Given
1,529 Total Reviews Given
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Honest and encouraging
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Proofreading for grammar, letting you know which areas of your writing work and which might be improved
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Murder, horror, erotica
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Public Reviews
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401
401
Review of Inside or Outside  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This was an insightful and fascinating essay on the craft of writing and must have taken some time to put together. I agree that the best novels should pull readers into the world of the story and the minds of the characters and it was good to see how you achieved this by altering the example openings that you gave. Reading through some of your work, one of the striking things is how well you use descriptions and the senses to make readers feel like they are inhabiting the bodies of the characters. I can see how well this achieves the effect of pulling readers into the story here.
I also enjoyed the commentary about how attitudes to point of view have changed. I must admit that I read mostly classical literature (I enjoyed my English Literature school work too much!) so I think that is where I get the tendency to slip into an omniscient voice in my early novels. I hadn't realised that this was no longer common today.
I'll edit through my opening chapter again and have a think about how I can incorporate some of the tips here. Sometimes I find it easier to work style tips into in progress writing and I can see my current project has improved since I learned more about writing style.
I have been reading up on the Third-Person Omniscient perspective, which I think is what I am using in my trilogy about Boroden and Aira. It seems it is still a perspective used in fantasy novels like His Dark Materials, so I think I may keep it for this series of novels as to alter all of the chapters into third person might be difficult. This is the article that I read, I thought you might be interested in seeing it too: https://www.servicescape.com/blog/third-person-omn...
402
402
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is just beautiful! I love the closing line about discovering Jane Austen's books being like finding pure gold. I agree that she writes about some amazing and memorable characters and her writing opens the door to encourage readers to find out more about history. Like Downton Abbey, reading Jane's novels immerses us in the past in a way that makes us laugh, tugs at the heartstrings and is filled with romance.
403
403
Review of Ice Crystals  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece is full of emotion and has the effect of grabbing the reader's senses and tugging at the heart strings. Despite the pain of Steve's emotions, the story has a folktale beautify to it with the forest setting and the lover that reaches out from beyond the dead to claim him. I enjoyed the mixture of realistic modern day details and the eternal imagery of the tree and ice. Steve's love for Sara and her death made heart-breaking reading.

I wondered if instead of having them promise to love each other 'until death do us part' you might want to consider something along the lines of 'not even death could conquer their love' to sum up the enduring nature of the attachment.
404
404
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sharmelle,

I saw this poetry topic contest on the newsfeed and I would love to donate some gift points towards it. I have included 75,000 GPs with this email for the contest and I would love to have the pretty angel badge in recognition of the donation.
Many thanks and I hope you had a good Easter,

Holly
405
405
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved reading about Brenda and Puck. The hellhound concept is so original and well thought through. Puck is a great character with her unexpected human-like traits and I enjoyed getting into her mind in your story. I have reviewed Hellhounds on Amazon and the review should appear in 48 hours.
406
406
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
In love the opening that positions the POV firmly and makes me relate to the runt of the litter protagonist, Twiggy. You used the senses well when she sits under the rose bush and I loved the sense of sibling relationships built through the dialogue.
It emerged gradually that Twiggy and her family are racoons. Living in the UK, I'm not familiar with racoons so this made this story even more interesting for me. It was so sad when the mother was killed and you filled the writing with pathos here - it reminded me of Bambi losing his Mom - sob! It was nice that, although humans brought about the awful death of the mother racoon, there are also good human role models in this story with Holly and her dad taking care of the orphaned racoons. The animals and theme of taking care of them will appeal to children and is a nice message to get across. I like the fact that you end the story with racoon facts to help children learn.
In the first paragraph I don't think the commas are necessary here: '...forget, the fact, that...'


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
407
407
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This poem has an effortless flow that mirrors the theme of passing time. Images of time, religion and romance mingle in a way which works well and holds the interest of the reader. You did well using such short line lengths to convey the meaning of the poem.
I can't help but wonder if there is a word or line missed off the end of the poem though? 'and eternal' seems like it should have another word to finish it off.
408
408
Review of Foggy Morning  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem, the images are so vividly written. I like the way in which you bring in the senses to make the setting feel real. The descriptions of the scene prompt and mingle with thoughts about the poet's past and her musings on the famous writer and artist.
This part was my favourite because of its beauty and novelty:
the whistling witchy wind shakes
the barren white birch in the front of the porch
of my house, scattering small branches
that twist and break from force and fly freely across
the lawn.
409
409
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great advice and easy to follow. Having all the examples to refer back to it a good idea. It obviously took some time to put together and is useful advice for all writers to refer back to from time to time.
410
410
for entry "My World" 
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This story is like a diary. I love the name Misty and I hope she will stay safe as the pirates attack. It was nice having the background and details of the castle where she lived and about her family. I could picture her life well from your writing.
411
411
Review of Furbaby  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
A nicely written piece that brought a smile to my face. It encapsulates the feelings all pet owners have - I often wonder how I spent my time before I had dogs!
412
412
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This beautiful and poignant poem left me feeling moved. I love the image of the memories of the grandmother blooming everlasting in the heart of their grandchild. A short and effective piece, well done!
413
413
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
These were a well-written couple of chapters that held my interest throughout. The opening with Gertrude was full of tension and drama and opening with this scene works well at encouraging readers to want to read more.
The dialogue between Jonas and the Chancellor was great. I especially liked the characterisation e.g. 'Jonas’s look was one of having just tasted something bitter.' It also introduced the stakes as we know that Jonas wants to get an Etherwite under his control so he can use the power of the rune throne.
The character of Darina is well drawn and full of potential - I enjoyed reading about her.
Below are a few suggestions to improve these already lovely chapters:

Instead of 'Death and carnage were all around' which is telling, why not show the reader the scene by describing how the corpses and wounded look to Gertrude?

Here you have a full stop making this two sentences but it works better as one since Gertrude is only acting as the combatants are out of sight: Once the combatants moved out of sight [, ] Gertrude ducked from cover to cover, clutching the sleeping babe tightly in her arms.

Instead of:
Suddenly one of King Etherwite’s men appeared; he called out to Gertrude to run. While stepping in between the two, clashing swords with the invader.
either
Suddenly one of King Etherwite’s men appeared; he called out to Gertrude to run, whilst stepping in between the two, clashing swords with the invader.
or
Suddenly one of King Etherwite’s men appeared; he called out to Gertrude to run. Then he stepped in between the two, clashing swords with the invader.

It emerges that Gertrude is a wet nurse and feeds the baby. I would like to know more about her background - has she lost her own child? Maybe add a line here about how the feeding baby brings back memories of her own child?

As you move from the part about Gertrude to the section about Jonas, I think you need to either inset a scene break or start a new chapter between these two lines:
The people she cared about and served loyally for years all dead now. Gertrude shed tears as she cradled the infant in her arms, head down; she turned and began to walk, heading north-west along a worn path.

Thirty-two years passed since the reign of the Etherwites was brought to an end.

In brackets are some suggested changes to make these sentences flow better: The aged King Rominy rules still in Madara [, while] King Rominy’s son Jonas sits on the Etherwite’s Rune Throne. The kingdom of Ethral, where once magic thrived [, is now] controlled by the inquisitors; only those sanctioned by King Jonas and the inquisitors can practice the arcane arts.

You mean steward here 'the stewart ushered in'

You use appraise twice here so one would sound better altered: His eyes fixed on her appraisingly; the Chancellor had been appraised correctly about the woman.

I think that High Inquisitor might sound best with both words capitalised.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
414
414
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is one of my favourite chapters yet - tense with funny moments. It was unexpected to shift focus from Haakon to a new character, Nathan, but you conveyed his perspective effectively here and his modern situation and views were relatable. It made the extraordinary incidents that he witnesses seem more believable with his modern university fellowship background to ground them. I enjoyed reading about the dogs and lightening struck tree which were vividly described.
All in all, this chapter stands out for its interesting and original descriptions e.g. 'Distant thunder grumbled and lightning flickered through the barren treetops. Another flash turned the forest blue-white for an instant. Instead of thunder, something--a siren?--keened up the scale and disappeared into supersonic silence.'
It was nice to get an explanation of what Timekeepers do at the end of this chapter, as it is something I had been wanting to find more about since I read Chapter 1. It is nice that you are revealing more as the story progresses.
415
415
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem and made me feel like a bird looking down on the lovely scenery. I liked the idea that sparrows might dream of being eagles as it gives this poem extended meaning. The one alteration was to add an s onto eagle to make it plural as you have sparrows plural in the first line.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
416
416
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
I love how Twilight's pirate father thinks he's doing Twilight and Eden a favour by kidnapping them to come with him on his pirate ship! The fancy pirate ship was a surprise and nicely described. This episode had lots of action and unexpected moments - a colourful read.
417
417
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a great topic and I enjoyed seeing how you approached this piece. I especially applaud your praise for spiders as I personally love them for their work controlling the fly population and their agility - the ballet dancer image was nice. As for chimpanzees, how can anyone think they're ugly?! A nice mix of facts and writerly style here. A short children's story with these animals as characters e.g. a ballet dancing spider, thrill-seeker mosquito and trapeze artist chimpanzee, would be fun!
418
418
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this prologue sequence and think you should include it in the story. There are some gems of writing in here and it would be a shame to leave them out. Also, the opening dream sequence caught my interest.
I loved the opening where Carina wakes and what she thinks is the familiar presence of her husband beside her is actually vines and another version of herself. This section was eerie and memorable - an effective way of making readers want to read on. I would just split the first sentence for effect, putting a full stop here:
Something moved beside her.
Here you missed a space and capital It: She knew that face intimately.it was
The rest of this piece conveys a realistic picture of Carina and Jackson’s lives and their close relationship. I am intrigued to read on as Jackson reveals is rife often has bad dreams. Also to find out if Mrs Baker is alive and how this relates to Carina and her dreams (if it does do).
419
419
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
This was a nice episode with lots of romance and a good hook at the end of the chapter as Twilight’s pirate father showed up. The details of the wedding and court life were beautifully written and I could just picture it.
420
420
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I liked how you brought the senses into the opening and conveyed a realistic reaction to Gunnar's injury that makes the reader understand Haakon's thoughts and emotions. Throughout this was a well written piece. Haakon's character comes across strongly here and it is a likeable and strong hero as he tries to help the villagers whose lives have been destroyed by the Vikings. We learn a few more details about his past visit to the village which is nice. The tension built well towards the end of this chapter.
When Haakon tries to reassure Charlotte, I notice that he uses darlin' three times close together. Maybe cut one out so it isn't too repetitive?
You need to have another type of tree instead of hickory as hickory isn't native to the UK. How about ash, oak or elm?
421
421
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
The details about how the palace looks made it feel so real, I'd love to see it. I also liked how the reader sees it from Eden's perspective through the neat detail that all she was used to was seeing the inside of gypsy wagons. Jasmine is mean to Eden and I'm pleased she got put in her place by her parents and that Eden and Twilight are going to marry. It's nice that Twilight has been made a knight.
Here you mean 'wore' not 'word' - 'Eden had a pretty green dress that she word and entered the room where the King and Queen sat.'
There is an extra set of quote marks added on this speech from the King: If you two are so in love, why don't you marry?""
422
422
for entry "I lost the moon" 
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This poem is beautiful, full of lovely imagery that means I can clearly picture the scene. I liked the musical flow and the contemplative tone that fits the image of contemplating the moon. Repetition was effective in this piece.
In the second paragraph the opening 'Honk of a car' came as a little clipped. It also came as a surprise that the narrator was meant to be driving as this wasn't apparent in the first stanza.
423
423
Review of Homage à Pookie  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem was well written and a fun read. I could easily picture how the kitten looks through the vivid tuxedo description. I too am a dog person but found a place in my heart for some kittens abandoned on our lane, so this poem touched a cord with me. The ending was lovely.
424
424
Review of Mother Nature  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was an interesting and pertinent story. I wish people would listen to Mother Nature more despite the warnings, nature is resilient and persevering but people often take too much from the world or take things for granted. You did a good job conveying these ideas in your story and I felt this idea has lots of potential for expansion into a longer work.
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Review of Myths and Legends  
Review by HollyMerry
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great - I enjoyed every word and admired how comprehensive this short piece was. You included famous dragons from books and legends as well as some I hadn’t heard of. You might also want to include the dragons from Arthurian legends and the Welsh dragon in a mention if you are gathering more dragon myths.
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