Hello Jacky, I was just looking around and found this cute little flash fiction that you wrote. This contest entry is so cute, full of hope, and a reminder of when I was young that I just couldn't resist giving you a review! Thank you for sharing this with me because I enjoyed it so much that I smiled! I've been divorced almost nine years now and have put love on the furtherest burner on my stove 😂! But this little story reminded me how sweet new love can be. I love the title, and the whole wishing on the star idea. Even at sixty years old, I still wish on the first star of my nights. I didn't see any grammatical errors except one. It's as follows;
I felt as if someone punched had me in the stomach!
Should this sentence be,
I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach.
Thank you once again for the wonderful reminder 🎗️ Write on! Always, Inner-Peace
Hello, my name is Inner-Peace, and I stopped by to review your item (poem). The following is strictly my opinions and thoughts. Please know I'm reviewing in hopes of encouraging you, inspiring you, and complimenting you. I also do not intend to hurt your feelings or discourage you in any way or fashion.
Title: Does it fit?
Your Title seems to fit pretty good. I'll talk about this in a few minutes. However, the title is what got my attention, so good job!
First Stanza: Does it flow well?
Not in Stanza form.
As I began reading, these three words stopped me for a minute because I kept thinking the arrangement of the words seemed out of order.
What I was thinking was:
I don't know if the arrangement of these words bothered me because I'm OCD'ed or if it was the flow. I kept thinking first breathless, then voiceless because the next would be faceless. Thus furthering the image of not existing. (Nonexistence is what I felt) You have a very emotional poem here. It strikes a cord in my heart.
Day into night it all bleeds together
Day into night, it all bleeds together.
Not the way anyway I need to be
Not the way I need to be.
Punctuation errors are really easy to make. God knows I've got to watch myself because it seems like I love commas! So, watch this a little bit more.
Over all thoughts/feelings: Did the item invoke good or bad feelings?
Your poem invoked some strong emotions deep in my heart because it brought back the memories from when I felt just like that.
Final thoughts: Over all view of item
You have a very strong and emotional poem here! I've enjoyed reading it, and I'd like to say thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope my review has helped and encouraged you to write on! I'd also like to say welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It's a great place to write and meet nice people. Once again, welcome and write on! Always, Inner-Peace
Good afternoon I was just strolling by and this contest caught my attention. The rules and everything are clear and entering has been made easy by you. I think you've done an awesome job with the contest itself, and the static item! Nice job! Keep up the great job! Always, Inner-Peace
Hey StoryMistress! It's so great to be back with y'all. As for your work here, it's amazing and easy to understand as always Thank you for all you do to make writing even more enjoyable than it already is! Always, Joy
Wow! This is a very powerful piece! I applaud you. I found myself wanting a little more information on the topic, but, at the same time, I believe I'm on topic as far as feeling like it's religion itself you're writing about here. I was raised United Pentecostal almost all my life, but I encountered a lot of judgmental ways within the church. We were taught we don't have the right to judge someone else, so I switched after many years of not going to any church at all. I'm happier with the church I go to now. Great job on stirring up emotion in your reader! Write on! Always, Inner-Peace
I really love this poem! Not just for the wording, but it also has a special meaning to me. My Dad passed away in 2004, and I always said that he was my lighthouse; so I was drawn to the poem partly because of that plus I love the song 'The Lighthouse'.
Okay, now to the critiquing part:
For the most part the flow is good, but the flow may be just a little smoother in these lines if they were written in past tense. Now this is just my opinion and in no way am I saying that you're way is wrong
you show me the way
your eternal light gives me the strength to live another day
your light guides me to the shore
your light never fades it shines on forever more
you showed me the way
your eternal light gave me the strength to live another day
your light guided me to the shore
your light never faded it shined on forever more
The only other thing I noticed was thier is spelled their. Other than that, this is a beautiful and touching poem! Good job and write on!
Hello, I love the first verse of this poem. It's very deep. In your second verse god should be God. God is a proper Noun and therefore; it is always capitialized. Your poem is very touching to me and I give you a big round of applause! Keep up the good work. I really enjoyed reading this poem!
Hello StoryMistress and StoryMaster. Happy WDC birthday! I just wanted to let you know how much I love this years party decorations! You really are awesome on image making. My life changed in so many positive ways when I stumbled across WDC. I want to thank you and the StoryMaster for that. Thank you so much! Always, Inner-Peace
Hello Cubby, and my fellow racing buddy! I seen this poem featured in the Poetry Newsletter, and I wanted to read it. I loved Viv's coverage of the Quintilla poetry form. I even added it to my "Invalid Item" for future references so I can try it out. I love trying new forms. You have mastered the Quintilla form beautifully. I didn't see any grammatical errors, and the syllable count is correct. My favorite line is this one Sunbeams kiss the earth.I also learned something from you too. I learned about the snowdrop flower. I love how it's refered to as the flower of hope. That's beautiful! Congratulations on a job well done with this poem Cubby. Sincerely, Inner-Peace
Hello Godslilwriter and welcome to writing.com! WOW! This has got to be one of the most heart-wrenching prayer poems I have ever read. The flow is great and I didn't see any grammatical errors. This poem is so emotionally charged until I had tears in my eyes before I was even half way finished with it. Magnificant Job! I could feel the love and concern you have for this person, and that in itself made this a perfect 5 star rating in my eyes. There are certain line/lines that I liked the best that I will point out to you below.
None! Beautifully done!
Line/lines I liked the best:
I’m on my hands and knees
And will be night and day
Praying that you’ll hold his hand
And teach him not to stray.
These lines show depth of love and concern for someone I'm assuming may be your child. I loved this stanza because I can feel your faith in God. Wonderfully written!
Please help him God to never forget
The love I have for him
And let him know I’ll always be there
When his brightest days turn dim
In this stanza you have conveyed years of love, devotion, and support for another person. This is one of the stanzas that brought tears to my eyes.
There are more of this poem that I loved, but I do not want to spoil it for anyone else. But I do thank you for sharing such an awesomely written poem with me this morning.
This poem is so wonderfully touching and well written, and it has been my pleasure reading it. Once again, thanks for sharing!
Hello Dondi, welcome to writing.com. I saw your poem listed under the Read a Newbie area and thought I'd read your poem. I have to tell you that I wasn't disappointed. This is a very emotionally charged poem. It is beautifully written and flows well. The rhyming doesn't sound or seem forced. I also didn't see any grammatical errors. Way to go! I had to give this one a five star rating because it stirred me deep in my soul. Pride can be such an evil force to reckon with. Can't it? I'm going to list a few of my favorite lines below for you. But before I do, I just want to say thank you for sharing this poem with me, and I hope you enjoy your time at writing.com.
Pride conceals darkness, “evil’s hood”
Until reality was shown, and there I stood.
I like these lines because they convey to me how badly pride will hurt us. Nicely written!
I’ve cut myself deep with my sword of pride
Only you have the power to mend, to heal me from inside
Again the showing how pride hurts.
I love this poem because it makes me feel the emotion, you, the writer feels. Thanks once again for sharing!
Hello Kenzie, I seen this listed under the sponsored items, and it caught my attention because of the title and description. I just had to read it because I too was raised in the same fashion (my dad was a general forman for a construction company. That was good money back in 1971-72), I've always been a black sheep, and quite frankly, a little bit odd myself! So, I don't exactly fit in anywhere except maybe my own little world. Heehee! Anyways, I totally relate to your story, and I love your way of thinking. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed reading your story, and I find it heart warming to see how much uniqueness really means to us as people. I did see one minor grammatical error that I've listed below. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I loved it.
Some allowed the editor to revise for them, only to discover that they message wasn’t as strong, especially if it was a message not embraced by the editor.
they should be the
Thanks again for sharing a part of your life and thoughts with me.
Hello Kate and welcome to writing.com. This is poem is so sweet! I love what you have said about your brother in this poem. It's refreshing to see that some sisters actually love their little brothers this much. I only seen two grammatical error in this poem, and I have listed them below.
Error in Stanza two, line four:
worlds should be world's
Error in the title:
a should be capitalized because it's part of the title.
Hello Jeanie, this is one emotionally raw poem! The pain just leaps off of the page. The flow is great, and the wording is spectacular. I seen one error in Stanza two that I've listed below, but other than that you've done a great job!
while rainy deep within your heart,
while raining deep within your heart,
Part/parts I liked the best:
clouds of tears that
you never saw.
I liked the way you repeated this stanza because it drives home the pain you've hidden away.
This is such a sweet poem! It's so unselfish for a child to ask for nothing but a cure for his mom. Your poem flows well and is emotionally changed. I had to blink several times just so I could see beyond the tears. Good job! I only seen one error, and I've listed it below.
Dear, I have been the best of boys.
Should this be..Dear Santa, I have been the best of boys.
Part/parts I liked the best:
I was so good, I really did my part.
I wish you'd bring my loving mom a heart.
This is the most beautiful and bittersweet story I've ever read Viv. First off, I'm sorry about the baby (even though I know it was a long time ago, the pain doesn't completely go away), and secondly, I'm so happy for you that you have such a wonderful husband to spend your life with. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as I read this story! Lady, I know you and Robert have got to be two of the most strongest people our Lord created to survive all that y'all have. My heart sang a song of joy and pain when I got to the part about the roses! That was the most tenderest thing anybody could have done for someone they love. Robert is the most unselfish person I've ever read about. You're a lucky woman Viv!
None that I seen.
Parts I liked the best:
She left as I stared at the card in my hand. “The red roses are for our love and our three living children, the white bud for our little angel who will never bloom. I love you, Robert.”
My husband, with all his pain, all the arrangements, all the miles ahead of him, took the time to let me know he loved me. I sat on the edge of the bed with tears streaming down my face when he walked in the door.
He lowered himself beside me and took me in his arms. “I couldn’t leave you alone tonight. I had to be with you. I knew you needed me.”
Hello Shaara, I loved this story! You done a very awesome job with the plot. You captured in writing how blind some people in big cities truly are. It's sad to me to know that there really are people who are homeless and have to sleep in the cold during the winter. In your story, it was a breath of fresh air to know that someone cared about this man. I've listed below a few errors, my likes/dislikes, and over-all impression.
1. Call it, not enough sleep.
I don't think the comma is needed here.
2. That’s when it hit me, how stupid I was.
The comma isn't needed.
What I liked the best:
I loved how caring this woman was for this homeless man, and I loved how she wanted to change things at least for one person. I also loved how you weaved romance into this story too.
What I disliked, would change, and over-all impression:
I didn't dislike any of the story, (except that Freddy died ) and I wouldn't change a thing! Great job!
Keep up the spectacular job you're doing with your writing!
Hello SirJerry! Man this is a very heart wrenching poem. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this poem with me. I've listed below a few things about my thoughts, errors, and suggestions. However, your poem is great! My heart cries for your loss.
Fishing, and baseball oh those were the days.
Fishing and baseball, oh those were the days.
A brother, a father a good man to all.
A brother, a father, a good man to all.
The errors are very minor ones. Just read it outloud and you'll know where a comma should/or should not be.
This is a very touching and heart wrenching poem. You managed to tell the reader the whole story about your brother, y'all's growing up days, and, unfortunately, the last days you had with him. I'm very impressed and saddened at the same time. Great Job on such a hard poem to write!
Awww! Uw, I'm so glad you're back to writing, and I really love this item. It's good to share your experiences with others, and I can't think of a better beginning than the one you chose to begin with here at writing.com. With things the way they are in our world today, all of us need to embrace Christ. I know God has seen me through many trails and tribulations over the years. Without Him, I would simply not be. Thank you buddy for sharing this with me. And remember my buddy, write on! Sincerely your friend and racing buddy, Joy
P.S. here's a few things I know you'd be interested in looking at.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #844983 by Not Available.
StoryMistress, I TOTALLY love the decorations you've made this year! Last year was so awesome, but you've really out-done yourself this year! I am a member of many groups, (not writing because NOBODY can compare to y'all) but not one of them has the love, dedication, and friendship y'all share with us all. I'm so blessed because I found this site. I have found a home away from home and have made many, many friends. Thank you for all the hard work you put into writing.com! Always and sincerely, Joy (Inner-Peace)
Hello W.D., I totally enjoyed this short story! It is very funny and well written. You used descriptive writing very well. I had only read a few words when I knew instantly that the little alien had ran across a scarecrow instead of an actual human! LOL! I listed below the only two things that I seen grammatically wrong, but other than that you have a very good short story here! Thank you for sharing it, and keep up the AWESOME job you do with your writing. You are definately one of my favorite writers!
Blog noticed the man was standing on a pole that was planted into the ground; the pole had a swivel half way up the allowed the man to spin around. “That looks awfully painful. Why you up there anyway?”
A little typo. The should be That.
“This human must have like you a lot to honor you with such a gift.”
I love the ideas you've developed to encourage reviewing. It's true that by reviewing other people's writing it makes your own writing better. I've also found that I get ideas from reviewing. Thanks Storymaster for the chance this sight has given me. Always, Inner-Peace
This poem is very, very powerful, and written with a lot of emotion. I agree with you about the fighting going on in this world. I wish we could all just get along. Great job on writing your feelings down. Keep on writing and creating! Always, Inner-Peace
Hello Dragon, I stopped by to do a port raid for you. katybears has called out the troops for you, so here I am! This poem has a good even flow. I didn't see any grammatical errors, but I did see a place that left me wondering what the sentence means. I have listed it below.
Do he was in a fury
Were you meaning to use the word Do here?
Other than this one place, the poem is good. I like the way you repeat the first stanza with just line four changed. That's part of what gives this poem more impact. Don't give up on your writing, and write every day! Way to go! Always, Inner-Peace
You have just cartured my heart! I too suffer these remarks from some very insensitive people. I have even had people laugh at me when I proudly comment that I have gained ten pounds, and oh how them comments do hurt. I weigh 95 pounds by no fault of my own. I eat endlessly, but cannot gain the weight! It is SO embarrassing to have to go look in the children's section for clothes because they look like children,s clothes! I feel the same way you do about being thin being a curse! I've even had people say I'm on crack, an anorexic, and a whole range of things I must be doing to be so skinny. I feel badly for people who are obese, but people must open their eyes and see skinniness as the other evil so to speak. It's not fun at all, and it actually lowers my self esteem. I can give you a few ideas that might help you find clothes that will fit properly without looking like children's clothing. I wear Bongos(size 1, size 3 will be big), Levis has our size also(I buy the size 4, or 7 Jr. slims), and Jordache (5/6, Jordache run a little small, so a 5/6 fits). Shirts are a little easier to get because of the new ex-tra smalls or small. Good luck too you with the weight-gainer nasty stuff you're using. I myself buy the chocolate ovaltine, vanilla ice cream, and my chioce of topping. These taste good. Thank you for sharing your story with me also. Sincerely, Inner-Peace
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/innerpeace2