OMG- this is too funny. I love the way you wrote this. You brought the main character fully to life and we could feel all of his mischief and the pain it brought
The mood throughout the writing is cute and comedic. Good job on title and description.
The beginning pulls the reader in and the ending leaves you with a big smile and a groan.
A very heart-felt story. Alzheimers is such a horrid disease. Not only is it hard for the person who has it, but it's so difficult on all the loved ones. You're right, you have to remember her as the woman she was before she became senile. That's the way she'd want you to remember her. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
Nice story, it just needs some editing. I think a slow read through will help you find most of the mistakes. You have a lot of small mistakes which could easily be spotted and fixed. I included them below. Good luck with the rewrite.
She sauntered over to the frount counter
She sauntered over to the front counter
then pushed it pack towards her
then pushed it back towards her
That depends weather
That depends whether
when can it see it, Conrad?
when can I see it, Conrad?"
while often caused people
which often caused people
flooded though her
flooded through her
After all there years
After all these years
Pursing his lip so they stuck out slightly
Pursing his lips so they stuck out slightly
Their fist kiss
Their first kiss
he life hanging
her life hanging
tighter then ever
tighter than ever
Your more than
You're more than
This sentence doesn't make sense:
He held out her long, her heart slowing down to a normal speed.
Awww...what an inspiring story. I believe Jesus always has extra angels on duty for those with problems such as Faith Ann's. I'm so glad she was caught in plenty of time. We have to remember to give thanks to God for all the miracles he does everyday, especially the ones we don't even realize
Thanks for sharing.
Tracey
"Invalid Item"
I love this! It's absolutely wonderful. A very important message everyone should read and remember. It's hard sometimes to remember that we are the ones that chose to come back so we could clean away so negative karma in our life. Also to remember that this life is another chance to make things right, from not only this lifetime, but lifetimes before us. I for one, hope to do all I can, so I can choose not to come back to earth again. Thanks for sharing this.
Tracey
"Invalid Item"
This is a really good story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. There is a few places where you have some small errors- the story is definitely worth taking the time to reread slowly through to fix the mistakes. The cow giving birth during the tornado was very exciting and scary at the same time. It's a very uplifting, sweet story. Thanks for sharing.
Tracey
"Invalid Item"
This is a really good, spooky story. I really liked it and it scared me Of course I thought Harry and Bella would be left. Since this is a public review, I'm not going to say if they did or not. lol.
The suspence was really great and the unexpected happened. The only reason I didn't rate it higher was it needs some editing and spacing. Put spaces between your paragraphs and talking sentences- like this:
the shock wouldn’t go away.
“TAKE ME!”
Someone was shouting… a woman’s voice…
“KILL ME! KILL ME NOW!”
This story would definitely be worth taking the time to fix it up
It sounds like you have done a really terrific job with a very difficult situation. Your son is lucky to have you as a mom. I'm sorry to hear about your abusive relationships. I hope you find someone who will treat you right one day when you're ready. Thanks for all the information on asperger's syndrome. My son has a friend whose son has it. It's a very difficult disease to deal with. It sounds like you have really done a great job handling it.
Tracey
This is a very heart touching story which brought tears to my eyes.
You write in very descriptive words which allows the reader to visualize scenes as we read.
The relationship between mother and son is very tender and love intense. It's enough to melt anyone's heart.
I'm not sure if this is a true story or not. If it is, I hope you are better now and don't have to go away for anymore back surgeries. If it is not, then kudos to you for writing so realistically!!
It sounds like you had a lot of fun. One year I hope to be able to attend!
Doesn't it feel good to know you look good I remember all the times when I was younger I just took it for granted- now, I know better!
I'm glad you had a good time. I wish you had pics!
I heard they were taking a vacation this year and not having the convention. I hope by next year I can join all of you. I wish I didn't live so far from Pennsylvania
Hey Diane,
This was a very cute story. I know kids will enjoy it. WDC is such a great place to find all types of children's stories!
I like how you told the story by starting it with the kids wanted to hear one.
You did a great job of writing realistically how siblings act toward each other. You also used good description which let me visualize things as it was happening.
Welcome to writing.com! I'm so glad you jumped right in. You will really grow to love it here- there's some really nice people here.
This is a good story- you just have a few things you need to fix. They are listed below.
I like the whole idea of the gremlin coming to life and stealing the teacher's memories of math even though it is what I suspected would happen, it didn't ruin the story. It was well written and kept me interested all the way through. Nice job!
go to the bored and do problems
go to the board and do problems
She volunteered as the advisor for the National Honor Society. She was the one who determined which students excelled well enough to become a member. She planned the outings
You just told us all of this in a couple of paragraphs previously. So you can delete this
This is very good, Nikola. I really like how you went through the stages in your life.
I read the second stanza first the third time through and the first stanza second to see how it sounded. The reason is because since you are going through stages-- the first you believe in fairy tales, then you quit believing and the magic is lost to you. It seemed to work pretty good to me. Read it that way and see what you think.
I don't know why, but it seems we all have to experience heartbreak- I guess where we can grow and evolve. I think many of us turn to drugs and/or drink sometime in our life. We all have feelings and/or thoughts we'd like to drown out and forget a while. It does quickly drain the life from you if you overdo it-- that's for sure.
Then one day we are older and we wonder where the time went. It's kind of scary to know so much time has passed. It does make us reflect on the years gone by and regrets do form.
Then we realize our lifes aren't over and we still have quite a bit more we can give. We learn to try and do life the best we can.
I could have wrote this myself. Great job. I really enjoyed it.
Awww...very nice story. And so easily believed, as we never really appreciate what we have until it's gone.
You did a great job telling the story. You really let us get to know the main character. The only thing that threw me a little is at the beginning she was excited about the snow and that everyone was going to enjoy a white Christmas- then the excitement of that just dropped and all of a sudden she was sad and depressed. So you might want to reconsider wording the white Christmas where it doesn't sound like she's so happy about it. Just a suggestion
I also like how you used a family heirloom snowglobe to make her wish come true. I always thought they seemed 'magical'
Good story. One is lucky if they can go through life without feeling any kind of discrimenation. No matter what race or sex you are. There's always someone out there that's ready to discrimenate against you. Prejudices are everywhere.
You did a good job with the story. The relationship between all the characters was very well done and well described. The story was executed well. Good job
This was a different kind of read. Interesting. I had to look and see what classifications you put this under.
I think philosophy and fantasy are good-- not sure if it fits the spiritual category or not. Since you are making each new start just the way things evolve, without a higher hand helping it along.
I thought it interesting that you used battles to mark each new lifetime. Because of the title I wondered if this was the same man coming back to earth and life in each example you gave. I guess it could be either way, depending on how you understand the writing.
While I do not believe we came from animals *as I believe God put us here, already formed as man and woman* I definitely agree with the whole idea of the cycle of life. It will definitely always go on.
All living things is energy. Energy can not die, but just be transformed, so therefore, life in one form or another will continue into infinity.
You tell a good story full of emotion. I can see how that incident had a strong impact on you. The only thing I don't understand is it sounds like it was just a whipping with a belt. While I know not everyone condones this behaviour, there is a difference between a whipping and a beating. If it was a beating with a belt, show us more where we'll get the feel of it being more than a whipping *granted, it should have been on the butt and not the arm* but did it draw blood? Was she left with horrible welps and deep purple bruises? What made you think this was a beating?
Thanks for sharing your story with us. As a writer of some things in my past I know it's not always easy to write about it. Whatever happened that day it had a bad impact on you and that is truly what the whole incident means; what it did to you and how it made you feel. It's ashame you felt such guilt at the age of 5. You were a baby, you couldn't do anything to stop it. I hope you have found your peace with it.
WRITE ON!
Tracey
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #839681 by Not Available.
How sad and horrible. This story has a lot of potential. I would rewrite it and expand on it. Everything happens so quickly and you have a lot of action in it. Draw it out some, show us the emotion in the different kids, the parents, show us descriptions around them, the smell in the air. Maybe before the kids go out, give us an example so we know the parents aren't getting along and something may be brewing bad back home. Great story line and will make a wonderful story when fleshed out a bit more. Throughout your story you have periods before and after the dialogue, most can be changed to commas. Try putting the dialogue on lines by themselves -- it helps the writing read smoother and looks more professional. Here are a few mistakes I found:
looked around and stilllaying
looked around and still laying
“Now your it.“ Tracie
"Now you're it," Tracie
twin brother Camron and his best friend Holly.
twin brother, Cameron and his best friend, Holly.
house two you know.”
house too, you know."
WRITE ON~
Tracey
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #839681 by Not Available.
I went to send this and my logged in time ran out, so I'm having to rewrite it-UGH!
I don't give too many 5's at all, but every once in a while a story will show up that truly deserves it. This is definitely one.
I really got into this story. You did a great job correlating the two lives of the girls from different time eras. You really made me feel for both of the girls. I wanted to be able to reach through the words and help them. I yelled to Jamie in my mind for her to tell someone what truly happened, I called for justice for her and her attacker. I really felt for her when even her father turned against her; shame on him. You made me think about the old days and how anyone could accuse someone, and the terrible torture innocent people were put through.
I stayed interested all the way through. You accomplished what a story is suppose to -- engrossing the reader in totality.
EXCELLENT JOB!
Tracey
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #839681 by Not Available.
This was a very cute read. It read very realisticly of just how a young boy would act with a new toy. I liked how you said, "even licked it" I could just see him walking into the kitchen with the steering wheel around his neck. We have all been there, done that in our life time.
Great job.
Tracey
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #839681 by Not Available.
Welcome to WDC! I know you will grow to love it here. We're glad to have you with us. Please contact me if you have any questions.
I enjoyed your writing, it's very well written. You speak honestly and straight-forward. You're right, life is a trade-off. Going to college you will be trading up (I like that term, it can apply to so many things in life) I really think you will love college. I know it's scary, but it's great to have your independence. Since you'll be around so many in the same boat as you, you'll find many people to turn and talk to about the different emotions you'll be going through.
Make sure you keep writing! You have the talent for it
Good story. You let us get to know your main character pretty well. I think it would help the story quite a bit to show us the fight scene between them. It would really add a lot -- right now, you're doing a lot of telling. Why not have dialogue between them, starting with him asking her to come to his apartment and play out the whole scene which took place afterwards? The action would be fantastic. Please let me know if you decide to do so, I'd love to come back and reread and rerate.
Tracey
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It has happened to so many. Most women are scared to tell anyone -- whether it is from being ashamed, or feeling like no one would believe them - they keep it to themselves. It's such a shame that they think they have to live with something has horrible as that. Thank you for speaking out. You never know how many you may have helped. How many you may have gotten to speak out and finally tell! God bless you.
A couple of errors I found:
things like this can happen to even if you think it can't.
things like this can happen to you even if you think it can't.
The more I talk and the sponger
The more I talk and the stronger
WRITE ON!
Tracey
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/intuey/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.75 seconds at 3:08pm on May 15, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
then pushed it pack towards her
That depends weather 
when can it see it, Conrad?
while often caused people 
flooded though her
After all there years
Pursing his lip so they stuck out slightly
Their fist kiss 
Of course I thought Harry and Bella would be left. Since this is a public review, I'm not going to say if they did or not. lol.
