brom21's (ion_7) Reviews

brom21

Review Requests: ON

1,575 Public Reviews Given

1,576 Total Reviews Given

126

Only reviews from the past
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#4421493

Review of a step forward

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

As with all poems of miniscule content that are just a dozen or so words long, it’s hard to really get a deep emotional yield. However, such poems can be amplified with such brevity. The feeling I get from this is on a surface level. I didn’t quite get the message. Perhaps it’s mean to be up front and plain. All in all it was unique. Happy WdC anniversary!

127

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#4421287

Review of Going Piece By Piece

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was so brutally honest and beautifully articulated! Each sentence resonates with a desperate longing and an exposed heart. I have no suggestions for improvement! When it comes to the “love” element, I shy away. But this was one of those truly moving and appealing works about the sad side of romance. The feeling of apathy was quite present and affective. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

128

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#4421279

Review of The Broken Figure

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(“You broke it, you fix it” said the man behind the counter.)
A comma geos after “it.”

One good thing I found is that the content fit well with the relative brevity of this story. It was a short, sweet glance at the heart. It really makes this piece linger in the mind. The snowy environment is very vivid and fits the theme. But Kyle’s heart deserved to be broken. It was quite malicious. Thank you for sharing this little excerpt of the heart of a broken soul. Happy WdC anniversary!

129

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#4421015

Review of Getting Older by the Minute

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Great poem! I loved the humor! My bro just began losing his hair at age 37. He envies that my hair is still full and that I don’t have much of a receding hairline. I told him I could be next. LOL. My favorite lines were the last two. Quite vivid and aptly spoken. You definitely have the funny gene! Happy WdC anniversary!

130

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#4420858

Review of The Treasure at Star Mountain

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Jesse and Lucy yelled for Charlie to come on.)
Omit “on.” Chopping, no matter how small, helps.

(…exclaimed Jesse his eyes twinkled with pure...)
Put “as” after Jesse.

(Let's check the window!" Lucy suggested.)
A quotation mark should go before the first word.

("I'm sure we'll be fine." Charlie looked up with innocent eyes.)
Here describe what innocent eyes look like. Maybe-“glistening eyes” or “twinkling eyes.”

(Lucy grabbed the kettle of hot water off the stove and poured some in the sink. She poured in a little cold water from the pump so she wouldn't burn her hands. She washed the glasses they had drunk their milk in. She washed the bowls and silverware from their oatmeal breakfast; finally she washed the oatmeal pot. Jesse rinsed the dishes and Charlie put the dishes away. Lucy wiped the table up and folded the dish cloth on the freshly rinsed basin.)
Here, you sue “she” too many times in succession. Say something like “little girl” or “eager child” or what have you.

(All three changed as quick as a flash.)
Above, just say “All three changed in a flash.” Like I said, chopping whenever is good.

(…came out to face Grandma in their sock feet.)
Here, say “socked feet.”

(I should have done better." He sighed, "We were just so curious about…)
Here, a comma should go where the period is. Next turn the comma to a period.

(She put his pajamas on and called for Lucy.)
Here, you seem to change genders when you say “She put his pajamas on…”

(I put the lock on the spring house",)
Here, the comma comes before the quotation mark.

I had such a wonderful time watching Lucy, Jesse and Charlie go through all the shenanigans. It was so cute and adorable looking through the viewpoint of children. You had a very good atmosphere. I really got the feeling of being in an old southern living place. For some reason the picture of a honey-golden sun over the land and fields if grain. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

131

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#4420709

Review of Inspire

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Hmm…a peculiar poem. I liked how short each line was. It was a little hard to get. The description really helped. I would suggest you split this up into stanzas. On the other hand you might have made it one long piece purposefully – to what end, I don’t know. The couplet rhyme scheme was nice but it was not completely concise throughout. Again I don’t know if you intended this. The meter was awkward at points but it didn’t get in the way very much. Nevertheless, your feeling and message was beautifully rendered. All in all a great poem. Happy WdC anniversary!

132

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#4420706

Review of Always Smiling

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Great story man! It was thought provoking, easy to follow, and made me want to giggle at times. It was so short yet you chose the right words to convey your intentions and references. I found no errors at all! Kudos for that! You do make a good point. Just smiling won’t make you feel very much happier. It is scientifically proven, smiling will make slight happiness but nothing like true happiness. I love the sarcasm and detached mood too. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

133

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14 days may be credited.

#4420702

Review of A snowman cares about our memory water

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Excellent poem. It was very articulated and sublime. More than anything it was visually tantalizing. It had chilling affect at near the end. The explanation in bold helped me to understand and enjoy so it was smart to put that at the top. Your last line is very cool (pun not intended) and emotionally satiating. Making it only two words make this linger in my mind. It leaves me at a loss. I see this is published. Good job with that. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

134

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#4419231

Review of haiku:SPRING GRASS

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Very nostalgic and concise. The brevity only makes it linger in the mind. I recall when the Poem a Day was still active. The creator was a friend of mine. Anyway, I looked at the bloggers selection and I saw it is your WdC anniversary. I wish you the best with your writing and reviewing!

135

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#4416755

Review of Reunion

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Very nice poem. I liked the repetitious last line of every stanza. There is probably a name for it like how you began each line with “I’ve.” You had a nice emotional transition with the last stanza starting with “You’ve.” It switches the blame and responsibility to the other person. I think you showed how time can greatly alter a person through experiences. The repetition reinforces the flow and content. It sticks in my mind. Once again, great format and happy WdC anniversary!

136

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#4416740

Review of Tornado

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

I can really see this being a great poem. But it lacks some of the most important elements that define a poem. This reads more like a large paragraph put into lines. Also there is not much emotional content. I would throw in some metaphors or similes as I think it would be the easiest way to put in emotion. Finally I would put in individual statements for every one or two lines. Really try to express and show rather than tell fear or panic. It would be so simple to make this a very good poem. Happy WdC anniversary and keep improving as I know you will!

137

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#4416494

Review of Jake's fat story/1/Summer holidays

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This story lacks a few things. There should be more emotion like shame, anger at other people, sadness and depression from being isolated for Jake’s weight. Perhaps you could give some scenes where he is ridiculed. As it stands, the story is a little mundane. Spice it up a bit. Some bitter internal dialog would go well. Finally, I would space out paragraphs and dialog. It’s easier to read. Happy WdC anniversary.

138

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#4416493

Review of The Lantern in the Distance

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(It also looked like someone was passing their hand over the flame repeated times to catch his attention.)
The meaning of this sentence is unclear at first. I had to go over it twice slowly to get your description of the scene. I would reword it to something like-“The figure of a hand covered and uncovered it, as the light shone on and off.

(Childish curiosity piqued, he walked toward the lake's edge and saw that the light seemed to retreat backward with every step he took.)
Above, the comma should be a colon.

(Just as he was about to turn and go back into the house, however, an older man with a gray beard and a peculiar smile approached him.)
Here, omit “however.” It is unneeded. Also where is the man approaching from?

("Hello there, Thaddeus," he began, eyes pools of black ink.)
Very cool description of the old man’s eyes!-very vivid and creepy!

( "Well, first of all you need a key." A door suddenly appeared by the lake's edge, ornate and just his size. Thaddeus watched in awe before turning his attention back to the old man, who was now stroking his massive beard with slow, sure movements. "Once you have the key, you can go right to the will-o'-the-wisp, little Thaddeus. There is treasure to be found there, you know. Think of it as being a rainbow and I am the leprechaun.")
Way to start the paragraph with a mysterious, strange key! It sounds cool. The rest of the paragraph is alluring and ominous. I love the last sentence too!

( "Why, I'm Loki, child. It is a pleasure to meet you." The will-o'-the-wisp was just out of sight, moths collected around it as Thaddeus walked in place out of impatience.)
Nice out of the blue shocker with Loki. I know this man has mischief planned.

(Knock on the door and enter the key.")
Here. It sounds like Thaddeus is walking into the key. Instead put something like-“…and inserted the key.”

You had a pretty dark ending. Wonderfully put. I would try to be more articulate with the whole moths being souls. It was briefly mentioned. Maybe describe the transformation more. You could give more emotional reaction and thoughts too. In any case, this was ominous and visually serene at first and I loved how you changed the setting to instill the fear and panic of Thaddeus. Good job and happy WdC anniversary!

139

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#4416486

Review of The Sound Of Lonesome

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Poetry is obviously your forte – and you compose them masterfully. I loved your articulate and brief lines. It’s a general rule for stories to keep things brief and concise and in some cases I think it pertains to poetry too – this being one of them. This was a great piece of work! I love the flow and consistency of each stanza. It was cool how you began each one with “…To you...” Is there a term for this style? The different sounds were creative and it drew me into the overall feeling. Once again I am amazed at you work. Happy WdC anniversary and keep writing these great poems!

140

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#4416220

Review of Trapped

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Its mine, this life, Gods gift of time; You'll conjure Elvis before control of my fate)
“Its” should be “it’s” and “Gods” should be “God’s.”

(We were created by the very same God and held in the same esteem/Why would you try to own my life? You no have right to kill of my dream.)
Nice way of finishing the poem. The last sentence has good meter and it profound. Also you reversed “no” and “have.” It should be “…have no right…”

When you use such long lines, the meter can be inconsistent. Nevertheless, your articulate, sublime content more than makes up for that. It was a little hard to comprehend but like I said, it was beautifully written. What is this poem meant for?-is it a romantic other? is it a friend? God? Society itself? All in all a great read. Happy WdC anniversary!

141

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#4415508

Review of Seven Months

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Excellent poem! Either you’re you’ve worked with this poem format a lot or you possess and inherent sense of such lucid, lovely art. What is the name of this style? I may have come across it once or twice I think but nothing stuck to me like yours did. It looks hard to compose. I felt like a leaf drifting in a moonlight forest similar to your first line. I can’t give you suggestions for correction or improvement as this is much more developed and arrayed than anything I can easily concoct. I am so impressed I think this deserves something special.

142

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#4415424

Review of Meeting of Tears

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This is a brief and purely put poem. As such, there is nothing too deep to explicate as far as content goes. In that regard, I thought your poem was nice. My eyes always seem to gravitate directly to the body of the work and not the description. I really got better understanding after I looked at the description. I spotted places where I think some commas should be. I thought the 5th line could have been split into two as two separate things are mentioned. I loved the ending. It was quite cheerful and edifying to God. Happy WdC anniversary and write on!

143

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#4415243

Review of The Song

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was a great poem! Each line is short and succinct and they make good transitioning moods and thought. As the rule mentions, communicate what you want in the fewest amount of words. Your poem lingers in my mind leaving a nostalgic, lucid imprint. I like the second two lines of the second stanza the best- very fantasy-like. I’d love to see more of this use of metaphor. Great work and have a blessed WdC anniversary! Kudos!

144

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#4407856

Review of Unicorns are Evil!

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Ophelia responded by grabbing Hero's hand and dragging her across the resort's various…)
Here, it sounds like “her” modifies Hero and not Ophelia as his name is directly precedes “her.”

(…a valet rushed up to each woman and provided them with said vegetable.)
What do you mean by “said vegetable?”

(As it neared the birds suddenly loosed a barrage of droppings.)
A comma is needed after “neared.”

The temper of your work shows your keen sense of the written art. It is no wonder why you are a published author. It was hard to follow at times but it was just so sublime nevertheless. I’d also suggest putting in more magical occurrences especially ones that pertain to the eye. A well-practiced way to do this is to accumulate scenes off the top of your head and weave them into plot line. All in all this was veritably exceptional and well written. Happy WdC anniversary

145

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#4407630

Review of Suspended in Beauty

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was very beautiful. I don’t quite get why and how the narrator “time travels.” Is it metaphorical in some fashion? The flow was a little random and sporadic at times but your lovely message still came through. I don’t know what you mean by “Collectively Mankind” at the end meant but it still sounded cool I thought. LOL. I know this was a drifting musing of the mind but you should be able to express it more coherently. All in all a great read! Happy WdC anniversary!

146

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#4407000

Review of operation giant liberation

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(It is a very well known fact that in world war two Britain was looking for…)
Here, “well known” should be “well-known. Also it is traditional to say WWII when referring to the second World War.

(…way of defeating axis troops quicker what isn't as well known is project shrink…)
A period is need after the word “quicker” then put “what” in caps. At this point, I will just state to put periods after a complete sentence rather than showing every time one is needed. Also “project shrink” should be in caps.

(It had early success and was soon ready for testing in other rolls first on the list was possible covert ops the scientist had a very beautiful daughter called Nancy she was a very beautiful girl indeed who loved to wear nylon stockings and knee high leather boots her hair was a beautiful crimson her face the perfect shape and her assets were just amazing she could love like no other but she was also very deadly see she was one of the spies trained by the allies during the war and it was decided she should be allowed to test the new super weapon and after some training and a briefing she found her self slowly descending from the black sky by parachute. She was there for the head nazi officer in the area and finding him was no problem all she had to do was find a german soldier take him off into the bushes and show him some love and she had everything she needed so she tested the new weapon right there he soon dwindeled down and she picked him up and made a deal with him he stays in her bag as a pet he gets to live)
This part is way too long and incoherent! LOL. Like I said before, break things into smaller chunks and use periods. As this stands, this is almost impossible to take in.

(As she approached the gate a guard yelled out but it soon went silent as he shrunk, Nancy was amazed her daze soon wore off though and she sashayed over to were the guard had been raising her boot up over him like he was a bug she slammed it down making a sickening squelch .)
Above, the whole paragraph should read something like-“As she approached the gate, a guard yelled out but it soon his voice was obscured as he appeared to shrink. Nancy was amazed. Her daze soon wore off and she sashayed over to where the guard had been. Raising her boot up over him like he was a bug, she slammed it down, making a sickening squelch.” Again, see where I put periods in my version of your paragraph. Note sometimes you can use semicolons in place of periods.

("that was fun"she thought " but next time i must make it last longer.)
Here “that’ should be in caps and her thought should be in italics. No use of quotes needed.

(Placing them all on the table she grabbed the nazi and started to interrogate him but he refused to break no matter what she threatened him with. thinking hard a devilish smile spread across her face her sweaty smelly leather boots would make the perfect torture)
Above, I show how this can be made right. Instead you could have-“Placing them all on the table, she grabbed the Nazi and started to interrogate him but he refused to break no matter what she threatened him with. Thinking hard, a devilish smile spread across her face. Her sweaty, smelly leather boots would make the perfect torture.” Here you could see where you need periods.

("you wont speak hey well lets get your opinion after this")
Here, what you have above should be-“You won’t speak. Hey, well let’s get your opinion after this.”

(Dropping him in her boot she returned her smelly nylon clad foot and did the piece of foot wear up " ohhh he feels sooo goood in there but what to do with you silly German soldiers" )
Here, I think this is a small segment you can fix yourself from what I’ve shown you.

(Many thoughts ran through her head on how to torture and kill them stamping on them, make them worship her other foot, fart on them. So many decisions her tummy rumbled and this gave her a very evil idea swallowing some of them whole so she did dropping man after man into her hot dripping mouth realising she should leave she gathered the remaining men she dropped them into her panties which were already quite wet and left after a nap she decided to find a town with a room she could stay in but on her way down a country lane she noticed a tank battle going on)
Here what is above should read-“Many thoughts ran through her head on how to torture and kill them - stamping on them, make them worship her other foot, fart on them. There were so many decisions. Her tummy rumbled and this gave her a very evil idea - swallowing some of them whole. So she did. Dropping man after man into her hot dripping mouth, she realized she should leave. She gathered the remaining men then dropped them into her panties which were already quite wet and left after a nap. She decided to find a town with a room she could stay in but on her way down a country lane she noticed a tank battle going on.”

("i wonder" she said with an mischievous grin.)
Above, it should read-“I wonder,” she said with a mischievous grin.

I can see this working. But this has lots of punctuation problems, specifically the use of periods. There are some spelling issues too. Go back and tweak a little. Let the reader enjoy this as much as you do! Happy WdC anniversary!

147

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#4406983

Review of Castleman

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Everything flowed seamlessly from beginning to end. I loved the allegorical aspect of this story. Would any part of this be an allegory to God? It seems so with the last few lines. Have you ever heard of a story called The Pilgrim’s Progress? It is a Christian story completely made of allegorical characters. Just Google it. Back to your story, I loved the temper of your wording. It was beautiful. It was funny too. The child’s attitude is amusing and appealing. I found no errors, as is the case with shorter pieces. Thanks for sharing this little jewel!Happy WdC anniversary!

148

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14 days may be credited.

#4406364

Review of The Fitness Contract

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

I can see this as being a new year’s resolution. Is suppose a contract would help to make and “iron clad” change in lifestyle. I loved how this was lighthearted and loose. The humor helped to relate the theme which was the process and struggle of weight gain and the battle to beat it. This was also easy to follow. The internal contemplations were a delight to read about. You really put me in her shoes. You had very clever use of the words that needed to be used too. Nice job! Happy WdC anniversary!

149

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#4406329

Review of Eclipse's Change Part One: It Begins

Review by brom21

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

In your fanfiction, I am familiar with everyone except Eclipse. Who is he? As for the story itself, I have some suggestions. First, shorten your sentences. It is hard to take in so much information at times. Next, put this into smaller paragraphs and put spaces between them. All in all, I think you did ample justice to the Sonic series. You have a good understating of it and you have a creative imagination. Happy WdC anniversary!

150

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#4406068

Review of Vigilance

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(The speakers crackled with static, causing him to wince and the children to moan all the louder.)
It raining and there are speakers. I would say there is a tent or something over it.

This was a pretty good story. Why do you say Stephen’s child’s child would never know his grandfather (Stephen?) Is it because he would die in a war? I would clarify. You capture a lot of sadness and mourning from Stephen’s internal thoughts. Your description painted a crystal image of the setting and it bolsters the theme and mood. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!