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Review Requests: ON
3,155 Public Reviews Given
3,203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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526
526
Review of The Last Request  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hello Lynda Miller

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!


First Impressions:  A very chilling tale of a mad man waiting for his last request. You don't really tell us what he's done; you hint at it, kind of bounce around the subject, but you leave it to the reader to decide what he did to deserve incarceration. I myself am not sure what I think. He didn't kill anyone, at least that's what he thought as he sat there. So it left me a little confused and unsure. I'm guessing he was a rapist, one who kept his women in a dungeon of some type and never let them out. Overall though, this is well written, flows well and keeps the reader involved in the story. I do have some specific comments for you on it, and a general recommendation.




Grammar:  Very good, there are a couple of places where you used the incorrect tense. Spelling was very good, I noticed only one minor word misspelled.





Areas To Consider Improving:  I think the biggest thing you can do with this story, is name your character. You call him 'he' throughout, surely he had a name! It makes it a little easier for a reader to relate to him, and what he's feeling.



General Comments:  

1. There was not one of them who said "go away and leave me alone!" The g in go should be capitalized, since it's the start of dialog.

2. He heard the taping of footsteps as they walk to where he was. Taping should be tapping. As written, taping is like someone taping a conversation. Walk should be walked, since this is all in past tense.




Overall impressions:  An eerie story of a man who is waiting for his last meal, his last request.


Sum1

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527
527
Review of Jingle Hell  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Jellyfish,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty humorous take on Jingle Bells, I have to say I loved it. I found myself singing along as I read it, trying to feel the song in your words. And your words are so true, I NEVER shop on Christmas Eve! I loved the line about the trolley with a wonky wheel, I too hate trolleys like that. (Shopping carts here in America.) Your chorus is excellent, and brings out the ardors of shopping this time of year. I think the best thing to do, is as you suggest, shop on line, or shop very early. Like in January maybe. *Blush* (For the next year, not late shopping). Thank you for putting a smile on my face today.



Sum1

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528
528
Review of CHANCE ENCOUNTER  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello StartingOver

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story.  Your title and description intrigued me, pull me in. I also saw that it was on the unreviewed and new page, so I thought I'd drop by, welcome you to WDC, and offer you a review.


First Impressions:  What a wonderful story of love unfulfilled, yet love that is never forgotten or lost. You tell this well, the flow kept me mesmerized throughout. I'm a softie for anything to do with love, especially when it's a touching story or poem. Yours is exactly that, it touches the heart and makes one realize how precious love is. You can love someone in person, or from a distance; there's no need to hurt them due to the past the two of you share. This is the route you chose for your story, and I loved it. I would love to rate it higher, but it does need a little editing TLC so it can always get high marks from future reviewers. If I may, I would like to offer you a little feedback that may help you edit this.



Grammar:  Your grammar and spelling is excellent throughout. So instead of commenting on grammar, I want to discuss formatting with you. You formatted this a bit uniquely, and in a way, it kept me involved in the story, but at the same time, it distracted from the read. You might want to look at this and see what you think. I'll give you an example below.

But
it did happen, and I wished the earth would swallow me up when I
looked into those familiar hazel eyes, with the old twinkle and
amusement - until they were drawn by the insistent tugging on my
other hand

Notice the hard return you have after the first word in the paragraph. It seems like you copied this from a document, and didn't look closely at the formatting of it on WDC. It is this way throughout the story, with the first word set on a line by itself. Here's my suggestion below.

         But it did happen, and I wished the earth would swallow me up when I looked into those familiar hazel eyes, with the old twinkle and amusement - until they were drawn by the insistent tugging on my other hand.

         All I did was remove the hard returns, and used the {indent} command on the first line. I know you are new on WDC, so I will explain the {indent} command. If you type the word indent exactly as you see it there, brackets and all, it will indent the line. Use it on the first line of each paragraph. Double space each paragraph also, it looks so much better for on line reading then. *Smile*



Areas To Consider Improving:  Formatting.




My Favorite Part:  I loved how Kyle could almost read his mother's mind, and not make a scene in front of Andrew. Children like that are one in a million.





General Comments:  

1. In the first line of the second paragraph, you write, I have always imagined meeting the greatest love of my life looking my best. But we quickly find out that she has a past with this man, and that her son, is his son. So this doesn't seem to really fit the rest of the story. It seems you might want to reword this slightly so the reader knows they've met before.

2. When I tried to copy that sentence (from the previous comment) into my review here, it copied everything from the title down. So like I wrote above, formatting, formatting, formatting. It's like running a restaurant. You want customers to come in, want them to be able to find you, so in that case, it's location, location, location. Imagine a reader opening this story, seeing the current formatting, and closing it without reading it because they think it can't possibly be worth reading. First impressions are lasting. You want others to read this, you want it to receive a lot of views/reviews. Formatting will help that.




Overall impressions:  A beautiful love story; a love that can never be now, but a love that was there, even when the couple met many years later.


Sum1

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529
529
Review of Mary's Lucky Day  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Carol,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         There is no way I could let September go by without visiting one of my favorite people, and send her an Anniversary Review! Happy WDC Anniversary!

         I love stories like this. They don't necessarily have to have a happy ending, but I love stories that make you feel. This one does. I've been in her shoes, but not quite as dire as her condition was. I retired from the Navy, and spent two long years looking for a decent job. I went to food banks on Thanksgiving and Christmas, I accepted charity. So I can commiserate with her, and the situation she and her son were in. I guess you could say a Leprechaun found me and helped me out too though, so maybe that's why I love this story so.

         The flow is excellent, the grammar and dialog made it an easy, and enjoyable read. I would love to have seen it be a little longer, and read what happened at her job interviews, but then that would have spoiled the whole feel of it. Your story read a lot like the stories of my best friend, Amay. A lot of love in it, feel good feelings, and general cheeriness, despite her predicament. I did see a couple of minor, very minor things you may want to look at in this.



1. Nice to meet you, O' Hallucination. Now please hand over your pot of gold, solve all my problems, and show yourself out. I have things to do." You are missing the opening quotation marks here.

2. "He drew a tiny handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabbed his eyes. I guess that since the previous line of the story was missing the opening quotation marks, it's only right that the very next line be missing the closing quotation marks.


         Well done here! As I said, I loved the flow, keep up the excellent writing!



Sum1

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530
530
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear Vamphunter,
         I saw this on the unreviewed and new page, and had to give it a read. I'm certainly glad I did! This is very well written, you explain each type of 'monster' in real world terms, giving examples of each. I never thought about it like you have here, but I can see the parallels. I love reading Stephen King, his sense of horror is addicting in some ways. No, I've never thought about doing any of the horrors he's written about, for me it was the details he writes about the intrigues me and keeps me coming back. I loved that about your essay here, it made me think about things in the real world. I do have one comment for you, and two comments on this.



1. Write a Bio so we know more about you. *Smile* A little about who you are, where you're from, likes, dislikes, etc.

2. On the streets, its the gang member who has so married themselves to the dogma of the group mentality that pulling a gun or a switchblade out and wasting a total stranger on the command of their superior becomes an act devoid of any conscience or remorse. Its should be it's.

3. And speaking of the government, the a fore mentioned historical tyrants can be referenced by citing that a time would come when “emergency power” would be assumed by them to avoid a state or martial law “for the sake of the people”. A fore should be afore, it's one word, or at least I've seen it as one word all the time. I checked it using Microsoft Word, and it came up correct there also. (Hate commenting on something, and being incorrect about my comment is all).



         Overall, an excellent essay on the horrors of the world, and how they relate to monsters in writing and film. Well done! I hope to read more of your stuff soon.



Sum1

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531
531
Review of Slaughterhouse  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Bill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you do tell a gruesome story! Your description of Harley was enough to make me stay far away from him; his state of mind was portrayed well too, making him double trouble. Your descriptions of the slaughterhouse was exceptional, do you have experience in them, or just did a lot of reading on them? Either way, it made me realize, or reaffirm the knowledge that there are some jobs I could never do. The ending was expected, but well written. The only thing I would comment on, is something I didn't understand.

1. At the end, Harley feels something slithering up his leg, but he tells himself it's not there. I'm not sure what you were trying to say with that, or were you just showing us how far his mind had gone down that one way path?

         An excellent story, but if one wants to read it, they shouldn't fear gruesome details. Stephen King like descriptions that make a reader shake their head, and shudder.




Sum1

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532
532
Review of Summertime heat  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Tina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story brought back a lot of memories from my youth. While I never tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk, I did a lot of other things kids today probably wouldn't consider. I loved the jargon you had your characters speak in, since the title says this occurs in the 50's, it fits well. I had to smile at the idea of closing the house up to keep the cool air in, even going so far as to pin drapes shut. I did see one small thing you might want to consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. “Greg, we fried an egg on the side walk.” Everywhere else you use the correct spelling. Except in that line. *Smile*



Sum1

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533
533
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Dear Christina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is beautiful in a way, but it's rhythm is a little choppy. I love the message you bring in this, but then I always do love poems about love. This one just seems to scream your love to him throughout, each line telling us how much you miss him. It is beautiful, but does need some editing TLC so it can receive higher grades in the future.



Title:  This is one time where the title of something is a bit of a mystery to me. I do understand what you're trying to convey here, but Endurance doesn't seem to fit. Enduring love, yes, but Endurance, no. It doesn't fit, at least for me.




Description:  Perfect for the content of your poem.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  To me, this was pretty choppy rhythm wise. But some of your rhymes were off, as well as the rhythm. Let's look at rhythm first. I'm not one who believes every line has to be the same length, either in looks, or in syllable count. But it needs to be close. Here's your syllable count line by line. 9/7/10/8 10/5/9/10 9/11/10/11 9/9/10/10 11/8/12/8

It would seem you wrote this with about a 9-11 syllable count for the most part. The lines with five, seven and eight really stand out as a result, and make the read very choppy. I just found it hard to get into a flow while reading it.

As for your rhyming, some of it was definitely forced, and used the same ending in a compound word (when the words themselves didn't really rhyme), or were quite a reach in trying to rhyme. Here are the end words in your poem that shouted at me (just said "I don't rhyme with the other word.") as I read it.

lives/afterlives: Of course they'll rhyme, each ends in lives. But, lives is 1 syllable, afterlives is 3. Really throws the reader off. (I read this poem three times, twice aloud, each time I stumbled over words or rhymes.

Truelove/love: Same as my previous comment

Sit/did: This was the biggest stretch for me, I do not see the rhyme here.

Amber/remember: Amber has the long A sound to it, remember is totally different. So even though the 'ber' portion rhymes, the rest doesn't.

Warning/darling: Again, the 'ing' rhymes, but the other part of each word does not.

         When I need to make sure something rhymes, I use Rhymezone.com, it's a good site when you need help. I ran the first word of each on these pairs on that site. In every case, the second word was not listed as a rhyme.



General Comments:  

1. Be careful using the same word twice a close proximity. That too will detract from the read.

2. You used the singular I (or a variant, such as I'll) 13 times in this short poem!



Overall impressions:  Like I first stated, I love the message you're trying to convey in this poem. But the flow of it needs a lot of editing TLC for it to shine.


Sum1

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534
534
Review of The Cave  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Penitentman,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You have a way with words, that's for sure. I thought your poem was very cute, creating some interesting images in my mind as I read it. Using the bathroom stuff to gain access to your cave or hidden stash of weapons was an excellent idea! I loved the toilet paper one, as well as the towel rack. Reminded me a lot of the Batman TV Show. However, there are a few things you might want to consider, should you ever decide to edit this.



Title:  Perfect for this poem.




Description:  This is what pulled me in to read your poem. Good job!




Rhyme/Rhythm:  To be honest, it's a bit off in places. In a poem that flows like this, I think rhythm is more important that rhyme.
I had to do a syllable count to be sure, and you can see where it might be off a little bit. 8/6/7/8 9/9/12/10 11/9/8/8 9/9/11/9 9/8/9/9 10/7/10/7 In my humble opinion, this seems to fit a 8-9 syllable count well. That doesn't mean every line has to be there, but they should be close.



General Comments:  

1. I know this is all about being a super hero. But using the same words in consecutive lines can really throw the flow and read off.

Where HE's the super hero
With the red super hero phone

2. This line is the longest (syllable count wise) in the poem.

But it's allowed me to plan out my hidden lair

A little minor edit of this line will help the rhythm some.

There I sat and planned my secret lair

Changes from 12 syllables to 9.

3. This verse is a little off, but not too bad really. The idea in a poem like this (if one asked me, and I know you didn't) *Smile* is to get a sort of chant going, or sing-song type of rhythm. So the closer each line is to the others in syllable count, the better it will be.

The TP dispenser, when twisted just right
Lifts the bathtub right up in the air
Revealing a hidden entrance
And the top of the secret stairs

Very minor wording change to give each line 8 or 9 syllables.

Twist the TP dispenser just right
The bathtub lifts straight up in the air
Revealing a hidden entrance
And the top of the secret stairs

4. This verse is very good rhythm wise, except for the 3rd line. All you need to do is delete one word to get it in line, and the point is still maintained as you wrote it.

The towel rack has its special use
(Pull three times, push once, and you'll see)
Revealing my secret super computer
With a fabulous 30 inch screen

The towel rack has its special use
Pull three times, push once, and you'll see)
Revealing my secret computer
With a fabulous 30 inch screen

5. In the last verse, I'd keep the last line together, instead of making it two lines. It fits well, and flows well.

6. I think centering the poem would make it more pleasing to the eyes. *Smile*



Overall impressions:  A very cute poem about being a super hero.


Sum1

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535
535
Review of Relief by Death  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Lee,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Fifty Five word stories always amaze me. I do not think I could write something that short and get a message across like you did here. This story reminds me of my mother who died at the age of 92 last year, less than a week before her 93rd birthday. She was a shell of herself when I last saw her, but like you said, today she's flying free. Thank you for this, I loved it.



Sum1

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536
536
Review by Sum1
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Winnie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         I wasn't sure what the Janaku form of Poetry is, so I looked it up. I always do that when reading a new form, otherwise how can I comment on it? But in this case, it was more for information than it was to comment on this. Your poem is beautiful, the story much more important than any poetry form. My best friend, Amay5prm here on WDC is taking care of her mother, who suffers from Alzheimers, so it hits home to me a bit.

         Your poem fits the Janaku form perfectly. Like I said earlier, its message is more beautiful than any poetry form though. The last verse in particular completes this poem. I can't imagine the heartache you feel seeing someone you love so much, go through a disease as terrible as this. Thank you for sharing, it's beautiful.



Sum1

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537
537
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear LinnAnn,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         This is very cute story of Dorothy being in a different Land of Oz. You described the 'standard' characters well, and introduced us to a new one (or three). The trio fit in well with the traditional characters first created by L Frank Baum. Happy endings are good too, and natural with this story, or shall I say, the traditional Wizard of Oz story. Did you know that Baum intended for the Wizard of Oz to be a scary story? At least I read that once, or twice. I have always loved the stories about Oz, and have read a few of them.

         I loved the idea of her eating the Purtreats, but being rescued by the bumblebulbs. Even more, I loved the names you used for the characters and the vegetables. You did well in keeping with the Oz type of naming if you ask me. Overall, well done!



Sum1

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538
538
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Dear Peep,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a bit odd of a piece, and not what I thought I'd read when I opened it. But it's what you wrote, and that's the important thing. What I mean is, I thought I'd find you writing about some deep insights into the various uses of Toilet Paper, or the various qualities of it on the shelves at a store. It seems you were a bit lost in the checker's eyes when you checked out, wanted more in way of conversation between the two of you, but didn't pursue that idea.

         I did notice that you like to use comma's, and do so well for the most part. But sometimes you tend to overuse them when perhaps a semi-colon or period would better suit the situation. (My 'caveat' statement is that I'm no English major, but I can tell when something needs other punctuation than what's there, but I can't cite the reason I say it). Here's an example of where I thought a period could have been used to break up one of your sentences, with a slight reduction in comma usage.

1. Dinner by 9:30 and bed by 10:00, I think guessing that work probably keeps her late and isolated from a domestic life. No children, no hips, no husband, no ring, a dog, no a cat, I presume, sits curled on barely worn paisley sofa waiting her lonely owner's return. It seems the comma after 10:00 should come after guessing instead. Then the following sentence really runs on, with a total seven commas in it! Just my opinion here, but I think you could do better with something along the following lines. Dinner by 9:30 and bed by 10 I think, guessing that work probably keeps her late and isolated from a domestic life. No children, no hips, no husband, no ring. A dog, no a cat I presume, sits curled on barely worn paisley sofa waiting her lonely owner's return.

2. "Anything else mam," he asks. If I'm not mistaken, Mam should be Ma'am.

         Overall, nicely written article. I call it that because it just doesn't make it as a short story for me.




Sum1

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539
539
Review of Promises  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Sunshine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you do write with impact, don't you! This story had me going, I was following Tammy's train of thought well, and knew she was good at heart. The accident wasn't her fault, and there was little she could have done to prevent it, other than immediately pulling him over. Even then, he may not have stopped right away, though that didn't seem to be in Nathan's character. I tried to look for minor errors, but this is very well written. And, I got involved in the story, and seemed to forget I was a reviewer. That's beautiful if you ask me. You got me so involved in it all, I forgot why I was reading it in the first place. Well done with this. But you might want to warn readers to have tissues at hand when reading this.



Sum1

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540
Review of Writing.Com 101  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Dear StoryMaster
         Happy 14th WDC Anniversary! I can't imagine the pride you feel in this website every time you open the web page. I love the reviewing that gets done here, it has helped me improve my writing skills quite a bit. That being said, you can see this review is not really from a template, but I do have several, and use them frequently. You provide great guidelines here, and I've seen many types of templates in use by people while crediting their reviews. I love the attached link to StoryMistress's page on ratings and comments. One of my biggest pet peeves is getting a review that says how much they love the story/poem, heaping praise at every level, only to get a rating of 4 or below. At least I've learned to accept it, smile a little, and move on. Thank you for the advice here, and for creating this site. It is a second home to me, as you might know. *Smile*



Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Aquaviann,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         When I opened this, I thought I might see 3 actual photo's of your grandmother. I have to say that photo's weren't necessary, your words painted vivid pictures in my mind of her each time. Great descriptions here, of her, her surroundings, and what was going on. I think your words described it better than a photo could portray. Well done!



Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Hey Chuck,
         I saw this on the new and unreviewed page, and thought I'd give my two cents worth. My Christmas was fine, how was yours?

         Now, to the matter at hand, about writing. Being one sentence, this doesn't qualify as a story, poem, or article. What you could have done, is make this an in and out type of thing, or even a quiz, where someone can answer and give you feedback. As it stands now, it most likely not achieve very good grades, yet it can. I bet you can write decently well, and have ideas in your head. So, do it! You asked how our Christmas was, how about starting out by telling us about yours! Think of one that was special in one way or another, why it was special, and write about it. Change the format of this to something that allows others to express their opinions/thoughts, and watch. You'll get a bit of interaction, a bit of feedback. But you have to give people something to work with! One more thing, a final thought. GET RID OF THE CAPS! When you type in all capital letters, it reveals a little about you, but I won't go into that part. What I will say is that in reading text on line, all caps means you're shouting at us. That's a big no-no, and will get this ignored more than read. If you're serious about writing, have some fun doing it, and tell us a story, write a poem, get involved on this great site, but please don't shout at us. *Smile*

Jim


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543
543
Review of Last Night  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Dear Jay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Let's say I knew what was going to happen about 30 seconds before I read it. *Smile* The ending was quite cute, that's the part I got 30 seconds early. I love the idea of a talking cat, it helped set the stage for the end of course. I'm a little confused by his blood though, and how he died. Since this is a contest entry, I'm assuming you were under a word limit? It would be nice to know what happened between him and his boss, and what "You two got wild." means. Was i lovemaking? Or did they just argue a lot, and she ended up killing him somehow? Also, the part about the cat seeing her carry him out is a little off. He's there, but is it his soul, or really him as a dead person? Lots of questions from me, little answers, lol. I did see one thing you might want to check, should you decide to edit this.


1. As I stared at the clock I heard a high pitched voice say, "Don't worry about it. You're not going to work today anyway." You are missing the word at in this sentence, shown in red.



Sum1

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Review of Loss  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Kelly,
         You are correct, this can be interpreted in many ways. I am nor overly religious, and dislike the term 'Spiritual'. But to me, this speaks of God, or a God like presence that I believe resides in us all. It flows well, even with the repetitive use of he at the end of each line. You created many images in my mind, each line unique, yet descriptive. Each a different subject. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. Most of the lines are double spaced, but the last four are not. You might consider correcting this minor thing.

2. In this line, of should be have. Somehow, it should have been more, the magnitude of who he was should of cut deeper to more. Think about it, read it aloud. Many people make this error, but if you think about a possible contraction, would it be should'f? Or should've? I'm no English major, but I know of never follows should.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Heathen,
         I saw a review of this on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Well, it didn't make be burst out laughing my head off, but I could definitely see the humor in this. In my long life, I've heard all three of the basic terms, and am pretty sure I've heard all five. And you are right of course, you hear these and forget everything you had planned, because you are in the doghouse. The problem I always had, was once I was there, how could I get out? I'm not sure I've figured that out to this day, which might be why I live alone now. I'm just not sure I'm better off.... Thanks for the fun read, I enjoyed it. I hope you enjoy your Anniversary!



Sum1

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Review of The Little Things  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Shasta,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         Oftentimes, the best things we write are written when we're upset. But, what needs to happen afterwards is a bit of editing, as is the case here. You poured your heart out when you had a bad day or moment, that's easy to see as it is read. But it does need a bit of TLC editing to allow it to shine. What I mean is this. There are numerous places where you repeat yourself. When you use the same lines over and over, especially after one another, a reader can be turned off and leave without finishing the story or poem. That's the last thing we want of course. I'll highlight in red the areas I'm talking about.

Why don't people want to love, in this world full of hate?
Why don't people seem to care, when friends become irate?
The people running here and there, they never seem to halt.
And when something goes wrong, it never is their fault.
Is this world all too busy for a little thing called love?
Is love just an emotion for the squirrels and the doves?
All the people in the world, never slowing down to talk.
Whatever happened to the parks, where lovers used to walk?
All the people of the of the world, don't notice these simple things,
And never seem to let their hearts and hopes take wing.
I see these troubles all around, and say this with despair,
Why is it all the little things, go by without a care?


         Don't get me wrong, I love this poem, it's simple, speaks from the heart, and flows well for the most part. But those repeated phrases really throws the mood off, at least for me. Another consideration you could give to this, and it might help that repetitiveness, is break the lines up as so.

Why don't people want to love,
In this world full of hate?
Why don't people seem to care,
When friends become irate?
The people running here and there,
They never seem to halt.
And when something goes wrong,
It never is their fault.
Is this world all too busy
For a little thing called love?
Is love just an emotion
For the squirrels and the doves?
All the people in the world,
Never slowing down to talk.
Whatever happened to the parks,
Where lovers used to walk?
All the people of the world,
Don't notice these simple things,
And never seem to let
Their hearts and hopes take wing.
I see these troubles all around,
And say this with despair,
Why is it all the little things,
Go by without a care?


         Now a final thought. From the beginning, it seemed the rhythm was a little off, and this reveals it. For the most part, you have a nice 7/6/7/6 syllable count here, with a little 8/7/8/7 a time or two. That's fine if you ask me. However, the following ends up being 6/6

And never seem to let
Their hearts and hopes take wing.

         With every other line/segment having a higher syllable count in the first part, and one syllable less in the second, this line really throws the reader off. You might want to edit that. Also, please note that one line has a repeat of 'of the'.

All the people of the of the world

         This is a nice poem, it deserves better than 'just' 4 stars. With a little editing TLC, it will get that over and over I'm sure. *Smile*



Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Dear Deb,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         As I read this, I got the impression that Millicent is a 'carnal' vampire. One who doesn't suck blood from their victim, instead it is sex, and the energies expended/consumed in the act. I loved the story, I felt like a voyeur watching the two of them on the grass. It seemed like Jabrina was becoming a slave to Millicent's ministrations, she loved the feelings caused by her loving caresses. Being a male, I wanted to read more detail, but I know men and women write, and experience love-making differently. I see there's a sequel, so I'll try to read it this morning also, but it's almost time to get dressed for work. Thank you for an enjoyable read this morning, now to see if I can concentrate on work. *Smile*



Sum1

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Review of OLD  
Review by Sum1
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Dear Ms. Jones,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!


         I have to say I really loved your story. It left me almost in tears, even though I knew where it was going almost from the first. But I have to rate this on it's writing, not on my feelings, and this does need a bit of TLC editing. What I mean is, this is all one paragraph, with a few misspelled and misused words in it. So though I love the story and its flow, I can't rate it based solely on that. I think you need to look this over, carefully read it again and see the minor issues in it, and correct them. If you did that, and wanted me to re-review it/rate it, I'd be happy to. The story itself deserves a higher rating, but it needs to be edited some before I could do that. I loved the story, your unnamed main character, the conflict he felt inside, his visiting neighbor who was never there really, the whole plot. Excellent telling, but you really need to do more showing, and divide it into paragraphs. If you want more advice on it, let me know and I'll be happy to help.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Fran,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         You know, I've never been an athlete of an caliber, but I've always loved sports. I always gave it my all when I played with friends, they did too. We all dreamed, but thankfully each of us knew it was a dream. That being said, at least you knew when it was time to bid 'Adieu' and get off the stage. Nothing worse than someone hanging on, a shell of the athlete they once were. Trying to recapture the glory, trying to show that they still have it. Sadly, the world (as it is) sees this, and many times all people can feel is contempt, outrage, or a myriad of other feelings about the athlete. They realize that giving up that career is like quitting. And a true athlete never quits. You didn't quit, neither did any other athlete who could no longer perform at the level required to excel. You always performed at a peak, it's just that as we get older, that peak isn't quite so high any more. So you didn't quit, you moved on with your life. *Smile* Well done here with this free verse poem. I would love to see it in rhyming Quatrains, but it's not my poem, nor my story to tell. Loved the story in your poem, the images you created were as good as any seen on a major network.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear LeeReay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Your Renga flows very nicely, with a story to be read within it. I see you've modified the traditional Renga format, since you didn't use the 5-7-5 syllable count for the odd numbered verses, nor the 7-7 syllable count for the even numbered verses. That's fine of course, since this is your poem. I guess the syllable count all depends on how you pronounce certain words too. *Smile* The Renga is a new form to me, so I read about it a bit before commenting on this. In reading your poem again, I see a consistent 5-7-5 syllable count (in the first verse, I had to pronounce orange as two syllables to get 5 syllables) for the odd numbered verses, and a 7-5 syllable count for the even verses. But I loved the story told in this. A first date, shyness, two teens in Daddy's car, and at the end, an unexpected sibling interrogation! Very nice in telling and showing here.



Sum1

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