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3,155 Public Reviews Given
3,203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Smee,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Please forgive me for being a day late here. My only excuse is I worked both jobs yesterday and needed rest before going in last night. Congratulations on your Nine years here at WDC!

         I really like your poem here. You used some common phrases from the character of Spock that really pulled it together. I loved the 'Fascinating Captain' one, that was great! While the rhythm is good, some lines are much longer syllable wise than others. But I think you're a bit like me in this poem, the story was much more important than sticking to some rule about poetry. *Smile*

         You also managed to use other phrases from the show, or mentioned things that went on. Like, Scanning their vessel'. However, I do think the third verse needs a little editing. Or add four lines, and make it two verses. The reason I say this, it the first part (first two lines) is about them finding life, while the second half is about Uhura being ready to transmit. To me, it just seems that the two don't fit well together. Maybe you could mention one of the life forms they discovered during their travels as the second part, then add something about letting Earth know what they found, so Uhura is standing by to transmit when needed. Just a thought.

         Lastly, I loved the image at the beginning of the poem. Perhaps that should be the title of this poem, Live long and prosper.





Sum1

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452
452
Review of Tsunami  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Super Sleuth,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Despite being limited on word count, and certain words you couldn't use, you did very well in telling this tale. I liked your descriptions, you painted a vivid picture in my mind as I read this. I do have a couple of very minor comments on this though, each easily editable.

1. You said you couldn't use certain words, but you used one of them in your description. Not sure if that counted against you, but if I'd been the judge, I would have.

2. Your description made me smile at the way it was worded. A giant tidal wave hits Japan in 550 words or less. To me, it reads as if a giant tidal wave less than 550 words in size hits Japan. *Smile*


         Well done here, I liked how your mind worked in creating this.




Sum1

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453
453
Review of Nightmare  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation


Dear Lady Amalie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is one of the most unique stories I've read in quite a while. I loved the idea of using emotions as members of a manufacturing facility (the brain), with Stoicism the foreman. Very original!

         This flows very well too, with a dialog that kept the story going. It was all very natural, but the names (emotions) used for your characters set it off best. Your descriptions of each emotions, and their respective actions was excellent. I especially liked the idea of a Control Room in the brain, where the emotions are governed/controlled by a team. But Nightmare, causing the 'host' to dream of kissing another male was like an exclamation point to the whole thing. Well done there! I did see one little area you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. He took his seat and nodded at Logic in recognition as he lifted the mug to his lips and gently inhaled the aroma. Stoicism knew the mug was likely not decaf, and he wasn't sure whether to thank Logic or kill him. He settled for taking a sip and nodding to Logic in recognition. Stoicism nods at Logic in recognition twice in this little portion of the story. The second one is not needed it seems.


Sum1

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454
454
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Game of Thrones  [13+]
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
by Gaby ~ Quiet contemplation


Dear Elaine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Reviews page, and thought I'd stop by to honor this fine occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         I think anyone who has raised children can relate to this. Though as time passes, my memory of those kinds of days fades rapidly. Instead, I'm left with a warm feeling of the good times, as I'm sure you are also.

         This is very cute though, you created many visions in my mind as I read this. The part about dried spaghetti fragments was especially cute for me. I do find myself wondering how many people will understand the meaning of the word 'Grok', and where it came from. Ah, one of my favorite books to have read long ago.

         I loved the last line, though I think the last verse should have been four lines like the rest. Just an opinion. However, while rhetoric and electric rhyme as far as the last syllable of each goes, it doesn't fit well when read aloud. I know www.rhymezone.com lists electric as a rhyme for rhetoric, it's the 'tor' vs lec in the second syllable that throws it off for me.

         Overall, a cute poem about memories of raising a child. I hope (and know) you have many fond memories of time with your children, as well as these that weren't so fun, at least for you.


Sum1

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455
455
Review of Rubik's Cube  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*




Dear Khan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Reviews page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, this is quite the story. And you are right, it does need a little editing. I love the idea behind it, with the Rubik's cube being the key to resurrecting Julie. For the most part, it's well written, well told. And that may be a small key here, I think this needs more showing, less telling. That's not a criticism, it's just a suggestion. Without going through this with a fine-tooth comb (so-to-speak), I will provide a few suggestions.

1. I don't understand the reasoning behind the different color fonts. They don't seem to
have much to do with specific parts of the story. If not, I'd leave the font one color.

2. The part where Mike drives up, that's a bit disjointed. You've used dialog well thus far, yet choose not to at this point. Go ahead, use dialog, have them discuss this more. Right now, it seems that Tim thinks it would have been good to go with Mike. He's drinking, not a good idea to do that. Have them discuss it back and forth, why and why not. This is a good place to introduce the Gypsy Reincarnation Incantation, but it needs to be done better. If you have Julie and Tim discuss a possible ride with Mike, have her say something along the lines of the accident probability/possibility. Tim could respond that there's an old Gypsy chant that would reincarnate him, if that person loved him enough.

3. When Mike stutters to himself about how Julie knew he loves her, use italics to set that off as him thinking. All I can muster is a soft mumble/stuttering. 'How did you know?'

4. At the end of the story, it seems like only Tim can see Julie. You never mention that in your discussion of the incantation, so you might want to address that, but not too much. I'm a bit confused about the part where Julie invites Tim in. It's like she's in a separate room, or tent. He's rude to Jade, and that's a bit understandable. He's lost the girl he loved, but you drop everything there as you end the story. The way I read it, he's the only one who sees Julie, so maybe she's not really there at all. Here's my take on a possible ending. Forgive me if I've missed something you tried to say in the story, it's your story, only you know what you want from it. But here we go. I think you need a bit more dialog, him and Julie talking back and forth about her being 'back'. At that point, she persuades/convinces Tim that he needs to move on, needs to let her go. He's reluctant, for obvious reasons, but somehow, someway, she convinces him. One day he wakes, and Julie's gone, for she was never really there. A figment of his mind, a yearning, longing, whatever. Then somehow, some way, he meets Jade again, has no intention of being close friends with her, but she says something Julie used to say frequently, something maybe only she said. Then the story ends, the reader is left to decide if him and Jade become close, or what....

         Like I mentioned at first, very good story. Show a little more, especially towards the end. Oh, and Happy WDC Anniversary!




Sum1

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456
456
Review by Sum1
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*




My Dearest Katrina,
         You know that there's no way June can come and go without me stopping by to visit your port! Lord knows I don't visit you often enough. Happy Anniversary Honey! Can you believe we've been members here 5 years?

         I love traditions like this, and wish I had some myself. Both of these sound delicious, and are making me hungry, despite the fact that I just finished dinner! With permission, I will try to make one of these sometime this year, and maybe a tradition can be started here.

There are a couple of things you might want to look at in this, should you want to edit it.

1. In the sausage bread, there's a part where you say to stir in the wet and dry ingredients alternately. But there's only one wet ingredient, coffee. Does that mean to add a little coffee, then one of the dry ingredients? Then repeat until done? It's not really clear, but then, you know how old I am, so that may be part of it... *Smile*

2. As far as formatting goes, the entry for 1 teaspoon of ginger is not indented the same as the rest, and is off by at least one letter. I'm being picky, it's my bit of OCD coming out.

3. The last statement for the sausage bread has an indent in it after the word degrees, or a lot of spaces.

4. In the Caramel Bundt Rolls (you called it Caramel Nut Ring earlier), you have a title of 'Melt', then say 6 Tablespoons Melted Butter. That's redundant, and I'm being picky. But you can delete the second usage of Melted.

5. Right after that part, you say to 'mix with to', but I think you can delete the word to. There's another indent or extra spacing in that line also. You might want to say, Mix the below with the Melted Butter.

6. There is one line after the first paragraph that sits alone. If it's a paragraph all it's own, then it should be double spaced from the previous paragraph, like the rest.


         You are right, it would be nice to get in touch with the lady who gave you these recipes. Always nice to say thanks, and I know she'd be pleased that it's become such a tradition for you. Thanks for sharing.




Sum1

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457
457
Review of The Chosen Ones  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Prof. Moriarty,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         There was no way I could let this day go by without visiting your port. You were one of the first to review something of mine, it ended up winning your poetry contest in July 2010. Your kindness, your review, your encouragement were instrumental in my continued efforts here on WDC.

         Your story is beautiful and touching. You write stories the way I like to write them, in the same context, with the same feelings. There are a couple of VERY minor grammatical errors, but considering English isn't your native tongue, I will not comment on them. Instead I will praise this for its message, and the feeling of love it leaves one with.

         I knew who Joseph and Mary were, or their real identities early on, but it didn't stop me from enjoying the story. I wondered what was going on when they met the older lady, but when Mary helped her, I realized who they were. I loved their interaction with the Doctor and hospital staff in helping Catherine. Very touching, very nicely done.

         This was a bit inspirational, thank you for writing this, making it possible for us to read.




Sum1

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458
458
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Diane,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         This is very cute! I loved the narrator's way of telling the story. It kept me tuned in to see where it was going, even though I sort of knew already. This is very original if you ask me. The name change is excellent, and fits well too. As I read this, I saw a coupe of very minor things you might want to look at should you choose to edit this.

1. I tried to go at least a couple of times a month to remind myself that I hit bottom once and could easily go right back down. Since your character is narrating in the present, tried should be try. He's telling us how he tries to remain on the straight and narrow, at least that's how I read it.

2. First of all whoever heard of a horse being able to practice medicine? You need a comma after all.


         Loved this short story, like I said, very cute!




Sum1

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459
459
Review of The Boat Story  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Pumpkin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I've never owned a boat, probably never will. But the desire to have one is always there. That being said, someone famous once said, "A man has to know his limitations." I know mine, and know that owning a boat is not for me. Your essay here reminds me of that once again. I would be the one who doesn't know a thing about getting it in or out of the water, though I've seen it done many times. I liked the flow of this, it held my interest well. I kept waiting for some major catastrophe to happen, but it didn't. Did you have problems? Sounds like it. Did you have fun though, and enjoy your time with it? Sounds like it. I did love the ending. Nice to be able to own up to your errors or mistakes. Even nicer that he didn't make fun of you in the process. Thanks for the enjoyable read.



Sum1

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460
460
Review of Superbowl 2012  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Faith
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice tribute to your father (I think, I'm pretty sure). *Smile* But the 2012 Super Bowl wasn't won by the Seahawks. The 2012 Super Bowl would have been played after the 2011 season, which was won by the NY Giants. If you mean the 2012 season, that was won by the Baltimore Ravens (the year before the Seahawks beat Denver). But that's not so important, more important is the feeling you give a reader with this.

         Wow, I really got the impression you don't care for the woman who was his wife when he passed. I'm glad you got something of his though, something you treasure. I just hope there's something on it that you love. I do have one comment on it.

1. It's new than expected though! New should be newer.


         Well done here, I love meeting people through their writings about something personal to them.



Sum1

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461
461
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Thomas,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         There is a lot us humans could learn from the wiseness of Red, Yellow, and Blue. The similes, comparisons, and feelings they exhibited in this small story were very nice. Wise beyond their years, I found there was a lot to relate to here. Green reminds me of a few people I've known in my time, after all, it is an 'All About Me' world to people (colors) like him. There are a few minor errors in it, mainly formatting, but I'd not change much. A couple of suggestions.

1. Not all paragraphs are indented. Check each one, use the {indent} command in writingml to indent them.

2. There are a few misuses of the word your. In each case, it should be you're. He asked Blue, “What makes you believe your so special? You can make a blueberry. Shouts rang out. “I'm better, your nothing.”

3. Watch your tense usage in words. Here's one example. Orange stood up, and seconded the motion, being an ally of green.

4. In dialog, if one character continues to speak with nothing in between the dialog, there's no need to close the quotation marks and restarts. Here's an example. “Look at all the leaves on the trees, the plants, the different fruits, and vegetables that give the world food needed for life, and GREEN.” “Even in some countries their money is green just like me, bringing the wealth throughout the world.” If a second character starts to speak, you need a new paragraph. “Can you now see green, we don't really need you. If you think you are worth so much toss us out, and see what you can make by yourself. We are we are the makers of all colors, and all the colors here exists because of us.” said Yellow. “We will tell you all that we're the spirit, the earth, water, fire. We are like the four elements. Without us nothing exists, and nothing existed before us. Yes you all being the color that you are, became representative of our nature. We are the makers of the heavens, and earth. All that is seen is in the glory of all your colors. Everything is part of us, and you are part us. You are our creation, our colors. We just wanted to tell you that before you destroy each other. Although you can still do that if you wish.” said Blue.

         I really liked this, my comments are very minor in nature. I really do wish humans could gather like this, and engage each other without someone feeling they are superior to everyone else. Thank you for the enlightening read.



Sum1

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462
462
Review of O.U.C.H.  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, this is hilarious! I had seen a review of it on "Anniversary Reviews" , and had to give this a look. Man, I've been injured many times, but don't consider myself a klutz. But if there was an actual O.U.C.H. club, I'm sure I'd join it.

         I loved some of the examples you described here, and particularly liked how you met your future husband. Not many men would have stayed around after seeing that going on. But I really loved what O.U.C.H. stands for, that's just too much! *Smile*

         While this is pretty funny, and well written, it does need a bit of editing so it can achieve better marks from future readers.


1. Several of us have wrestled, painfully, and lost with wheels, ( the steering variety, the bicycle kind, and the wagon type). This is written a little awkwardly, with the multiple commas, it really messes things up. If I may be so bold in suggesting an edit to this. Several of us have wrestled with wheels, (the steering variety, the bicycle kind, not to mention the wagon type), and painfully lost.

2. A few of us now know that there's no 'safe' in a safety razor. Of course there's no safe in a safety razor! It's too small to contain one. *Smile* Again, if I may, a small suggestion. A few of us now know that there's nothing 'safe' about a safety razor.

3. While performing this daring feat on a stairway, with a set of crutches, I met my future husband. Again, you overuse comma's here. You can delete the one after stairway and not affect how it reads.



Sum1

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463
463
Review of Just a Farmer  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey Ben,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I've never been published, never pursued it. But I know getting it done, and repeating it, is easier said than done. This is pretty cute, I can see scenes you painted as I read it. Did you really suffer from the dreaded writer's block, or was that only here for the poem? Either way, it fit, it flowed well, and made the poem a good read.

         Being cynical isn't too much fun; I know from experience. I'm very doubtful about many things in today's world, and wonder where the human race is headed. I loved your descriptions of trying though, how you hate the check, but loved the money. Can't blame you there. The last verse really set this in place for me. You sound well grounded and confident in your capabilities. In other words, you haven't let your 'fame' go to your head! *Smile* My only comment on this is just an opinion. That being, I feel most poems should be centered on the page, this one is no exception. Just my two cents worth. Well done! I hope you've been published again, and are once again writing easily.



Sum1

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464
464
Review of This Craziness  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Pat,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, raising your own children is quite a challenge, I can't imagine trying to take one children who have been influenced by others, or undergone tough times. My hat is off to anyone who is able to do this. I never considered the problems a child may have when you adopt them, nor the psychological stress they may have been under. It sounds like you and your husband did an admirable job in helping both of your adopted children, even though you don't feel you did well by your daughter. I know you had tough times with her, you described some of them. But still; you raised her, she's doing okay now, so you had to have had some wins with her also. Very enlightening essay, thank you for allowing me to read it! I did see a couple of minor things you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.



1. I wish I had known how strongly these factors effect adopted children. I think you mean 'affect'. Effect is a noun that can also be used as a verb. It means a change that occurred. Affect is a verb. It means to produce a change in or influence something. In your sentence here, those other factors produced a change in your adopted child, which affected them. Those changes you observed are the effect of those factors.

2. It's important that the counselor be experiences particularly with foster care and adopted children since their situations have specific challenges. Experiences should be experienced.




Sum1

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465
465
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Steph,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, 10 years! Congratulations! This is a very interesting story, somewhat offbeat in a way, but very interesting, well written. It's offbeat in that you don't expect a werewolf in a story like this. At least I didn't. For me, you have a nice romance brewing between Audrina and Damian. From the moment they touched, the spark was there, and it grew. Then you toss in the werewolf part, and for me, it threw me off. I think part of it might have also been the pace that it moved. This flows very fast, almost too fast. Of course, this is all my opinion, but it's just how I felt. This would be outstanding if the action lasted longer, if there was a little more build up. Maybe make Damian more mysterious, don't reveal his true identity that first day. Audrina feels the attraction, doesn't understand it, but throws herself into caring for him, making him well. Maybe a month goes by with her visiting. Then he admits his identity. But then, I bet you were under a word count on this, since you have that listed at the bottom of the story. All in all, well done, I did like it a lot. Guess I'm greedy, and wanted more. *Smile*





Sum1

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Review of Hello Kitty Oreos  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear TJ Marie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, I've never heard of Hello Kitty Oreos either. But they sound good. I found this to be pretty interesting, but have had little experience with horses, and no experience with vultures. It also made me smile to see that here you are, a woman from Canada (Toronto area), but in Kansas right now. And here I am, a man from America (Chicago area), in Barrie (near Toronto) for the week.

         You have a tendency to use run on sentences, something I suffer from too. I've been working to overcome it, so comment on it whenever I see it. You have many lengthy run on sentences here, and either over use comma's in places, or forget they exist in others. This may be due to your Canadian origins. I've been in Canda often enough on business, and all across that country to know a little bit of your speech. What I mean is, they way you talk. Slight accent (to me at least) *Smile*, and a bit of a lilt to your words when you speak. So perhaps you write the way you speak. Don't we all??



Title:  Interesting title, but it works for me.




Description:  This is pretty good, it drew me in.




Grammar:  Be careful with run on sentences and an overuse, or even a lack thereof, with commas. You do both in this nice essay.




General Comments:  

1. Stevie the old guy which is going blind and so skinny because his teeth are wearing down, I have to feed him a special diet of special food recommended by the vet where, I put it in a bucket and add water. This is worded a bit awkwardly, and can be easily changed a little, should you decide to edit it. If I may, here is a suggestion. Stevie is the old guy. He's going blind and is very skinny because his teeth are wearing down. I have to feed him a diet of special food recommended by the vet. I put the his food in a bucket and add water. With this little edit, it's become a bit more open as to how you feed him. Plus it's not the run-on sentence it originally was. (Something I've been fighting for years myself).

2. The third one is Bull Horn with bollocks ten times the size he is an attitude that will make most people run the other way. Bullocks ten times the size of what? Also, you need a period after that part, or at least a comma.

3. There is nothing weird about some vultures snacking on road kill except it feels different for some reason which means I am going to investigate. You need a comma after reason.

4. Leaving the horses and walking to the end of my property, from, a distance I can see a group of vultures on the ground and when I look up there is still one circling in the air acting as a lookout for the group. Again, a bit of a run on sentence that can be worded just a little differently. I leave the horses and walk to the end of my property. From this point I can see a group of vultures on the ground and when I look up there is still one circling in the air acting as a lookout for the group. You've already said you saw them from a distance, plus you don't need a comma before and after from.

5. I attempt to get closer and I see the edge of a plastic bag, with a couple more step closer I can see the vultures are chowing down on Hello Kitty Oreos. You should have a period after bag, making the next part a separate sentence. Additionally, step should be plural, steps.

6. I thought such a waste of the chocolate cookie and creamy white crème in the middle, made want an Oreo so bad at this moment. To show your thoughts clearly in writing, you might try using italics to set them off from normal text. Here's an example, with a needed word added. I thought, Such a waste of the chocolate cookie and creamy white crème in the middle. It made me want an Oreo so bad at this moment.




Overall impressions:  An interesting essay about a day in the life. And a chance encounter with vultures eating Hello Kitty Oreos.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Christine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute fairy tale told in a rhyme. It has a sing-song feel to it that flows pretty smoothly. And of course, being a fairy tale, it must tell a story, of course this one does. The story flows well, and being a fairy tale it must have a happy ending. You didn't disappoint there either. *Smile* I'm not one who believes that every line must have the same number of syllables, but they need to be close, which most of yours are. But if you read it aloud, you do stumble a little bit in a couple of places. My comments are noted below.


Title:  Excellent for this poem.




Description:  This is excellent, I knew what type of poem I'd be reading before I even started.




Grammar:  Very good.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  This is just a little off, and when writing a fairy tale like this, it could be a little tighter. Sometimes in poetry, less is more. *Smile* Your syllable count is as follows: 8/7/7/7/7/7 10/10/10/10/9/9 9/9/8/11/8/9 8/8/8/8/8/8 10/9/9/8/8/11 As you can see, there are really only two lines that stand out as longer than the rest.




General Comments/Suggestions:  

1. Use the Center command in WritingML to center the poem on the page. A poem like this has more appeal to it when centered on the page. Just my opinion.

2. The poem varies from about 8 syllables per line to ten. The thing I really liked though, is that one verse would be consistent in a rhyme length centered around eight, another centered around ten. Very consistent, making it easy to read, almost lilting on the lips.

3. The fourth line in the third verse is a bit longer syllable-wise than the rest.
Of creating a really hideous mask. This can be easily shortened with a slight word change, and not detract from the read one bit. If I may be so bold in offering a suggestion.

To give the eldest an equal chance,
The youngest avoided every glance.
She took upon herself the task
And made a really hideous mask.
She shielded her lovely features
With the scowl of the ugly creature's.

I do like the word created better, but being three syllables (as is hideous), it adds a lot to the line. Just a small suggestion there.

4. The same comment from #3 can apply to the last line of the poem. They married, living happily all their days. Again, a small wording change can help, and what I had in mind would have this line be ten syllables long, the same as the first line of the verse.

When the older sister found a lover,
The youngest did not need her cover.
The curse was broken and she was free.
She ran, and danced, and sang with glee.
The prince saw her and gave her praise.
They wed, lived happily all their days.

Again, your version is just fine, I'm just a stickler (Now at least, some of my early poems are far worse than this when you count syllables) when it comes to keeping the flow smooth.


Overall impressions:  A very cute fairy tale poem, perfect for reciting to children.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear D.L.,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I'm a sucker for stories like this. Ones that touch you in one way or another. Sometimes the beginning brings a tear to the eye, sometimes the main plot, and often, the end. This one grabbed me with the first paragraph, making me read it through to see where it was taking me. It wasn't until Mandy said, "Nana's Gold" that it hit me and brought a tear to my eye. Small things, y'know?

         I liked the plot here, and wondered who Ms. Pat was. I briefly thought she was a ghost who guided lost souls to help them find a new and better life. I liked the flow of it, as well as the dialog. Your descriptions were good, but often times things seemed a little disjointed. I think it's just your writing style is all. It didn't stop my from thoroughly enjoying the story. I did see one line you may want to look at should you choose to edit this.


1. The price of her freedom was a banged up face and the promise of more if she couldn't act right; she wanted no parts of that life again. It seems that parts should be part. It reads better if you use part.



Sum1

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Review of The Debt  
Review by Sum1
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Dear Vivian,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         My first impression of this? I would like to know more background about the incident that occurred in high school. Ten years is an eternity when you're fresh out of high school, but it's not so long at all when you're a mature adult.

         This does move rather quickly, and for me at least, some of the dialog seemed a little forced, or not quite 'right' (as I like to say). The part that seemed so off to me is where Trina meets Carrie. I know Carrie would eventually apologize, but right off the bat? I'm not sure that would happen. Unless, (and you didn't bring this out), Carrie is still a bit immature, and is trying to ingratiate herself to someone she feels is important, and may have some influence. I did think the story ended too quickly, but that's just me. I saw one line that you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.


1. That night is sheared into my brain. Written this way, it would mean the night is cut into her brain. Usually someone says a night like that is seared into their brain, as if branded with an iron. Not really a deficiency, but just a little odd wording is all.

         An interesting story of a girl who apparently was bullied in high school. Her return for her tenth anniversary was the topic of the story.



Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey John,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I found this to be deeply moving. We don't know our own loved ones near as well as others do. That's pretty sad, but it seems to be the way life is. I've spent time in the military, and yes we were a close knit bunch. You have to be, because your life is so strongly affected by your shipmates. I was never in combat, but on a submarine, your life depended on your shipmates knowing their job. I suspect that people who share combat duty are much the same. Well written, well described. I saw only a couple of small things you may want to look at in this.


1. My mother had always blamed Mary, my brother's ex-fianc for his suicide. I've never seen fianc spelled like that, it's usually fiance', or fiancee'.

2. "No! You, it's like, it's like your not there. In this usage, your is possessive. The word you need is you're, as in "No! You, it's like, it's like you're not there. You're is a contraction, a combination of two words. So removing the contraction, it would be "No! You, it's like, it's like you are not there. Your means it belongs to you, it is yours. *Smile*

         Overall, this is a very good story about a man who discovers something about his brother that no one in the family ever knew.



Sum1

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Review of Self Declaration  
Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Jill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say that I really like this! I relate well to much of what you say here. I am male, but detest violence also. I respect others, and want only their respect and friendship in return. I would love to write something like this to show my feelings as you did here. But, I couldn't do it as well as you have. Any attempt on my part may end up in a bit of plagiarizing, and I won't do that. I too know violence is sometimes necessary, but it has its place. Not in every day life, not the norm. It has its place, that's about all I can say about it. Very well done here!



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Review of Dreams  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Lonely Hearts
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful poem about your prince charming. *Smile* Free verse, free flowing, it has a bit of a lilt to it that helps it flow easily. The real comment I have about it, is that you tend to use certain words repeatedly. An example would be the first verse, with place at the end of the second and also the last, line. In the second verse, you used 'with' in three places. Why do I mention this? Because in a poem, using the same word, or words, over and over really stands out. Especially in a poem this short. Each of those is easily corrected. If I may offer a suggestion or two on it.


DREAMS


I used to dream of prince charming,
Someone to take me from this desolate land.
I dreamt of a knight in shining armor,
Atop a magnificent steed.
He would come to slay the dragon,
Mercilessly holding me to this place.

…………. I used to dream.

I don’t dream anymore.
I awake at each rise of the sun,
With my princes’ arms around me,
I awake to my new life.
I rise to his sweet smile,
Confronted by my dream.

This man that saved and completed me,
This man which makes me whole.
Merely proves dreams do come true.
My dream is now of you.




Sum1

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Review of Soul Survivor  
Review by Sum1
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello Davy Kraken

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!


First Impressions:  Bizarre. Well written. I found the dialog between Travis and Cynthia a little off at times. He was upset at what she said, that's true. His initial reaction was excellent, but would he really talk with her like that? I don't think I could have written it any better, or used better dialog; but it seems there would be a bit more incoherent screaming and such on his part.



Areas To Consider Improving:  Okay, I'm a geek at times most of the time, and had to look up the symptoms of cyanide poisoning. Why? Because writing a story about it should be well researched. Sorry, had to do it. http://www.bt.cdc.gov/agent/cyanide/basics/facts.a... discusses the effects of cyanide poisoning from small doses and large doeses. Since Cynthia said there was enough Cyanide poison in the Pixy Stick to kill 4 men, it would seem to be a large dose for a five year old. Vomiting is not a symptom from such a large does, but it is from a smaller dose. So it comes down to the question of whether she ingested what is considered a large dose, or a small one. You did well in your descriptions of it all, but I had to look this up and mention it.




My Favorite Part:  I don't think I could say I have a favorite part in this story. It's too sad, too brutal, it's about the death of a 5 year old girl. I can't find a favorite part. That doesn't mean it's a bad story of course. It just means I can't say there's a favorite part there. Unless you want to think of the end, Cynthia's end.




Overall impressions:  A story of a brutal death that is senseless with all things considered. Well written, well paced, sad to read.



Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Intuey,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I was wondering where you had Mr. and Mrs. Claus going on this 'vacation', but you never really told the reader where the ship landed. Loved the build up, the scenes you painted in my mind as the ship hit that vortex and such. I'm not sure if you were under a word count limit or what, but this all flowed too quickly, and ended far too soon. I thought the jump from the North Pole to the ship was a bit quick, and how Santa knew they were in the Bermuda Triangle is beyond me. That's what I mean about flowing too quickly. At the end, they are on another planet, and from the sounds of things, it seemed to be Mars, with the red sand and boulders. I don't mean to be nit-picky, but if they were on Mars, Earth would not be very big in the sky, the blue not quite a visible as you worded it in the story. I did enjoy the story, I just thought I'd mentioned a couple of things that could be drawn out to improve this. Nicely done!



Sum1

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Review of The Fading Light  
Review by Sum1
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Dear Snoopy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary! Besides, with a name like Snoopy, how could I resist visiting your port?

         This is a beautiful, yet sobering poem about being in love, yet not having that love returned. It sounds like you were a bit depressed when you wrote it, I sure hope things have improved for you now. *Smile*

         As beautiful as it is, I think it needs a bit of minor TLC editing. The rhythm is way off in places, which leads to what I'd term a bumpy read. For example, line three of the poem is 10 syllables long, while line 18 is 25 syllables! This is way too much of a spread. If I may mention a couple of recommendations for you to consider, should you want to edit it.

1. Consider changing the format to Quatrains, four lines per verse.

2. Make those extra long line two lines somehow. Your rhyme scheme is pretty good, be careful not to change that.


         The only piece of real advice I have for you, is be HAPPY! Sometimes one has to be alone. In that case, you have to learn to love yourself. The one thing you can never do, is give up.



Sum1

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