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3,155 Public Reviews Given
3,203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review of Let It Die  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Organized Chaos,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         As I read this, I grew more and more sad. I hate seeing family members not relate with each other, I lived with it myself for 25 years. But mine was self induced, I could have left at any time and been happier. But I would not leave my children alone with their mother, for there was the problem for all of us. She was the cause, but we all went along with it instead of standing up or speaking up. As a result of this, most of us are not close, so I must have done my share of wrong somewhere, somehow. I think family should be close, and it really saddens me when they aren't.

         As far as ending the relationship with your mother, as your description alludes to. I don't think you can ever end a relationship with a family member. Yes, you can ignore them, you can not speak with them or do much with them. But they are part of you, share your blood lines. To me, you either learn to live with it, or let it go, knowing that if they call, you'll be there, because you are needed.

         You really need to go through this with a proof reader, looking at grammar, spelling, and plain ol' word usage. The number of errors in this are too numerous to count. That doesn't mean I don't like this, despite it's depressing message. Overall, it is nice, I think it's a cathartic type of thing to read, and something you should keep. In fact, you might consider leaving this as it is, and re-writing it with necessary corrections made. This way you can look at the old, and new, and see the difference. *Smile* My first intention was to read through this (which I did), and list each thing I thought you might want to edit. But half way through, I decided not to do that, and quit listing edits needed. The reason? I have no desire to ever tear anyone's story or poem to pieces. I'm no expert, nor am I an English Major. My background is similar to yours, (from what I read in your bio). Engineering/Technology. But I do think I write decently well, I just can't specific comments when I read something. But I can notice errors, and provide suggestions for correction. So, get a proof reader and edit this, if you want. Below are my specific comments.



Title:  Excellent for this article.




Description:  Very good, it drew me in and let me know what to expect.




Grammar:  There are numerous misspellings as well as incorrect word usage. Some may be due to typo's, but it's hard to tell.




General Comments:  

1. Then my specificity spiraled down, I thought of people I knew, my friends, overhearing that familiar bickering and exasperated tones of someone who has given up arguing with their parents, I thought of my father and how he reassures when times get difficult on how he has been there before, that all things will pass, I also thought about how because of him I have grown, or reduced down, to a minimalist due to his fondness of gadgets and technology he has yet found purposes for, but that doesn't stop him. Wow, this is a long, run-on sentence. It can easily be broken into several shorter sentences.

2. But hey, he worked hard for it, earned the money, he can chose, just as I can chose; admittedly my choices are less mostly due to the fact that I earn less, but I digress. In both cases, chose should be choose.

3. It was only until recently when I realized I my have inadvertently decided that it is unrepairable, or that it cannot be made into something that it just can't be: allowing me to stop trying altogether. This is a run-on sentences also. When using comma's, ask yourself this question. Is the following line a separate thought, a separate idea? If so, use a period, and write it as a new sentence. The red my should be may.

4. Acting depressed was so 'emo'. I thought it was shameful, so I smiled at lunch, and finished all of my homework before the final bell rung. You need to either add 'had' before rung, or change rung to rang. Rung is not correct as currently written.

5. Right-side up on one side and upside down in a different color on the opposite side of each paper. It seems that you are missing the word one after the first usage of on. That, or change on to one.

6. Parents learn to work around this and try to teach their kids good habits and discipline the would need for the rest of their life. You need to change 'the' before would to they.


         It was at this point that I turned off the 'edit/review' mode, and read only for pleasure.



Overall impressions:  A very sad journal of lost childhood, lost love of a parent. Nice read, but it needs a major edit.


Sum1

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427
427
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Joanna,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         You make me wish I was there that night, sharing in the festivities with everyone. You painted a warm scene with your words, describing how people mingled around looking at various displays, or sat in pubs patiently waiting for a drink. I liked your descriptions of the events, but I did see one thing that I must comment on. Actually, something I didn't see.

1. This doesn't have an ending. Even though it's an essay, it still needs a beginning or introduction, the middle plot of events, and an end. You leave us hanging at the end, with no idea of what happened later, or how your night ended.




Sum1

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428
428
Review of Dead Man Talking  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Phydeux,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, you about had me ready to tell you that there's no way other prisoners would tremble and look away. I would think they are more hardened than that. So you're twist was perfect, and I loved it. There were a few things early on that may have been a clue, if I'd been thinking along the lines you were when you wrote this. But I wasn't, everything worked as you planned all along.

         I do have at least one question for you. That would be, if his adoptive family loved him so much, how did he end up there in the first place? Surely they wouldn't have put him there themselves. It didn't seem to fit their persona at all. I did see one small thing, should you want to edit this in the future.

1. Some try attack the guards. I think the word 'to' is missing from this sentence.


         An excellent story of a life cut far too short. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing more like this!



Sum1

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429
429
Review of Solar System  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Thinker,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         For being so short, I found this fascinating and interesting. I loved how you related our social structure to the planets and stars. You are spot on in your descriptions of the types of people. However, I think you might have left one out. The one I can think of, would be a star that rises to peak brilliance but quickly dies out. Think of someone who had just those fifteen minutes of fame, but were never heard from again. Maybe like a supernova. You'll have to think how you want to word it should you choose to add it. All I have is the idea. I did see one thing (very minor) you might want to look at, should you edit this.

1. There are those who are caught up in the movement. who are twirled around in constant motion, unable to stop they are eternally forced to take part in the dance, always in motions with the other planets and stars. I found this to be pretty wordy, and a bit run-on. Perhaps a period between motion, and unable. This would break it into two separate sentences, yet not change it one bit.




Sum1

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430
430
Review of Not Agian  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Elwood,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         For being a very short poem, this says a lot. I do mean a lot. But it's also a little vague. The lines about pungent odor and putrid smell make me wonder who or what this elusive attacker is. Regardless, I do like it. There are 2 things you might want to look at should you choose to edit it.

1. Your title is misspelled. Not Agian should be Not Again.

2. It seems that every time I find a way just out of your grasp, It seems this should be re-worded a little bit, because it's not very clear as to what you mean. If I may be so bold, here's a suggestion. It seems that every time I find a way to escape from your grasp, I would then also make it two lines, as such.

It seems that every time I find a way,
To escape from your grasp,




Sum1

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431
431
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear tHiNg/Hooves,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         I think reading a bio can be some of the best reading on here. The reason I say this, is because that's when a writer seems to 'let their hair down' and relax while they write. Their true personality shines through, as your did here. You have an excellent sense of humor, and some of the same beliefs I do (pay it forward everywhere you can for one). I am not always cheery or happy-go-lucky, but rarely would one be able to tell that, unless you know me well. You seem to be of the same mold. Your poor thing. *Smile* Thank you for an enlightening and enjoyable read. Oh, and Happy 14th WDC Anniversary!



Sum1

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432
432
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hey Winchester,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I actually saw a review of this in the Anniversary Reviews forum, and knew I had to read it. It's a bizarre story, but it makes me wonder what happened to the boy? Why wasn't he feeding the animals?

         It's a very short story, and I'm not sure if you were under a word limit or not, but it seems you could have worked that in. This could have been done if you had not repeated things as much as you did. I think you did that to show us it was the cat thinking or wanting. If I may, I want to show you the line I'm talking about here.

1. She wouldn’t be sitting here outside this door that was not opening and not opening and not opening and swishing her tail back and forth and meowing as loudly as a cat can meow. Notice the repeated and not opening. Plus, you used the word 'and' five times in this sentence. Doing that, the line becomes very wordy, a run-on sentence. Later on your sort of repeat this when you describe the dog barking, using and three times in that sentence.


         I loved the ending. Not what I expected at all, and overall, the story does make me wonder what went on.




Sum1

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433
433
Review of My Bio  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Bill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         It seems we have similar, yet at the same time vastly different upbringings. Different in that I never worked on a dairy farm, nor owned a horse. But I too remember the times we played outside all day long, how we'd be disciplined by other parents if need be, and how we never worried about much. Like yours, my family wasn't wealthy, but we made ends meet.

         Well written here, but then I've come to expect that from you. I don't know you well, but I've seen your newsletters and such, things I've read by you are always well written. Your description of the Fresno area reminded me of my early years in Albuquerque. The store you stopped at was the topper for me, I remember a 'Boy's Grocery Store' on a corner. I went there often for my parents; it was there that my prized bicycle, with that new Banana Seat, was stolen. Never got it back, nor did my parents report it to the police.

         Reading the bio in your port, I see you are in the area I'd love to live in. Was stationed in the Navy at Bangor Subase for 10 years before retiring. One of my daughters lives in Covington, not too far from you. I have visited her several times, and will be visiting her over Thanksgiving this year.

         Thank you for a trip down memory lane, you brought back a lot of memories. *Smile*




Sum1

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434
434
Review of Commas  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Kotaro,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Despite being one who loves to both read and write poetry, I've never read the Masters. Thus, I've never read Joyce Kilmer's poem completely, but I am familiar with it. I really liked this, it flowed well with a nice, consistent rhythm. Your last line made me chuckle because I'm with you on that one. It seems that comma usage in poetry is really up to the poet. For me, the question is always, A comma at the end of a line or not? I think that's a choice left to the poet, what they choose to do. You didn't use any here, and I think that's fine. It reads great as it is. I do have one small comment, a very small comment, on this poem.

1. You use rhyming couplet in this poem, which is really good. But, couplets two, three, and four all start with 'A poet', which detracts just a little, from the read. If I may suggest, in couplet three, re-word the first line, maybe something like this.

One who thinks and pauses,
Each time a twist has the clauses.

I know you lose a syllable there, but unless you're adhering to a specific syllable count per line or couplet, it seems fine to me. Minor comment, more an opinion than anything. Well done!



Sum1

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435
435
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Jellyfish,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         This is quite a nice parody of The Owl and the Pussycat. The flow matches the original poem well, with a similar storyline. And that's where I think I would have written this differently. I'm not saying this is a ripoff, nor am I saying you plagiarized the original poem. But it's so close is all.... *Smile* I mean that as a compliment. There are a couple of very minor things you might want to look at should you decide to edit this.

1. In the original poem, the two syllable line (lines 9 & 10 of each verse) is repeated. So if you really wanted to parody this, I would have made those lines repeated also. I know, and I was just telling you how I thought this mimicked the original poem so closely too.

2. A jellyfish saw they afloat. This may be American English vs. The Queen's English, so if it is, please ignore this comment. But it seems that 'they' should be them.




Sum1

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436
436
Review of New View  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Kotaro,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I like the concepts you mention in this poem. I'm a bit of a techy guy, but this the ideas presented here are far beyond me. Doesn't stop me from appreciating them though.

         Your rhyme and rhythm were a little off in places, but it didn't detract from the read, at least for me. I've never held to the convention that the syllable count has to be consistent (unless called for by the poem's format, such as a Kyrielle poem), nor am I a stickler for exact rhymes. The only rhyme I didn't think fit well was the word 'there'. It is no where close to rhyming with hear, fear, or dear.

         All in all though, an interesting view of how physicists view the universe today. For me, it's too far out there, all theory. I'll take facts first, the rest is all pure conjecture, and I believe some amount of imagination. Thank you for an interesting read.






Sum1

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437
437
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Carol,
         How could I let September go by without sending you at least one review? So when I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, I knew I had to drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, this gave me the chills. I've never had a ghostly experience, and I'm not sure I've had an encounter (more about that in a minute), but I do believe in ghosts, or whatever any one wants to call them. My somewhat ghostly experience happens at work once in a while. Funny to say, it happens in the men's room (only one of them by the way), when I'm washing my hands. The paper towel roller, which is set to dispense on motion, will arbitrarily roll out towels while I'm in the middle of washing my hands. I'm alone there, no where near the dispenser, yet it will churn out part of the roll 3-5 times in a row, as if someone is waving their hand near it. I usually say hi to 'it', make some witty or not so witty comment, and leave.

         I found this whole story to be pretty eerie. I loved your introduction to it, the way you sort of 'paved the way' by describing where people slept, and how the windows/house was laid out. Like I said, I do believe in ghosts, so I wasn't too shocked at what happened, but if that had been me, I would have had to change clothes before we left.... Not saying I'm a scaredy-cat, just sayin.... *Smile* I did see one small line you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.


1. I'd always loved being in that house and the pitch-black of night partnered with the wonderful memories of our antics earlier that evening at the disco and made it easy to fall asleep. It doesn't seem that you need that red highlighted and.


P.S. I will be in Chantilly, Virginia for the third time the week of 9/27. The following week I will be in Toronto for the third time this year, so I'm driving to Chantilly, then on to Toronto. Mainly because I'll have a heavy case with me, and think it would be easier to get it across the border in the car than at the airport. Besides, I love driving when I can. So, I might come up through New Jersey, and wonder if you'd like to have dinner that Friday (10/2) night? Just a thought is all....



Sum1

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438
438
Review of Last Ride  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Flash,
         I wouldn't change a word. This is an excellent, well written poem! The flow is smooth and fluid, almost not a beat missed as I read it. I do have a couple of 'formatting' type suggestions for you though.

1. Center the poem on the page. This is a personal preference of mine, so only a comment. I just think a rhyming poem looks better centered on the page.

2. Include the title in the body of the poem.

3. Use WritingML to your advantage to make this look really nice! An example would be making the font of the title larger than the poem itself. If you're not very familiar with WritingML, let me know, and I will give you a few pointers on how to do it.

4. The one comment on the poem itself that I have is this. In the last verse, swap the words 'only', and 'have'. Read it that way, see what you think.





Sum1

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439
439
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Catwoman,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         When I saw your suitcase in the Anniversary Reviews forum, I had to ask a question. "Who is this, who joined the site the day it was created?" Of course I had to look, and do a little investigating.

         I would love to have been at this convention, or any convention for that matter. There hasn't been one since I joined 5 years ago, at least not to my knowledge. I love this site so much, it's given me something that I can put my finger on, but it's there. I think it might be called home. Heck, I've even been near SM and SMs house on business in Reading Pa, and will be back there again next week. They have to be an awesome couple to run a site like this, make everyone feel at home the way they do. I know he's a private person, and will not intrude on him. But man, a convention. Oh wow, wow, wow! *Bigsmile*

         Nicely done here, you say your not much of a writer in your bio, but you didn't do bad here. You should give it a shot once in a while! Thank you for an enjoyable, and somewhat eye-opening read.



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440
440
Review of The Girl in Pink  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear VPK,
         I found this on the 'Unreviewed & New' page, and thought I'd give it a read. While I knew the end half way through the story, I still enjoyed it completely. It is easy to see that English is not your native tongue, but I'll not comment on that aspect. After all, I know I couldn't come close to even writing hello in your tongue, so how could I possibly judge your use of my language?

         This is a wonderful, small love story about a chance meeting on a bus. I loved the flow of it, the way you described your lady friend, and the interaction you both had on the bus. The dialog was very good, I could almost picture myself there near you, (except I wouldn't be that overweight man in front of her), maybe a fly on the wall watching and listening to you both as you talked. Very good job here. I do have one suggestion of you to consider.

1. Use the {indent} command in WritingML to indent the first line of each paragraph. This helps it look a bit better. Not required at all really, but it does help things look better.

         I also wonder, is this a true story? If not, excellent imagination! If so, I wish you luck in your time with her. *Smile*




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441
441
Review of Day at Work  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Dear Hollysue,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, I really saw a review of this in the "Anniversary Reviews" , and knew I had to drop in to review it. While I have a nice job that pays very well, I have worked in the food service business for 13 years now, 10 of them as a server, so I relate well to this.

         It sounds like you run a nice loose ship, yet a tight ship there. What I mean is you allow them to have fun at times, yet also tighten things up and be serious when needed. The small Micro-Brewery I now work in is much like that too. I love the 'You're it' thing though, that's perfect! I would love to drop by for a bite if I'm ever in your area (I travel alot, all over the US, and once in a great while, internationally). Well written here, I agree with Angus though. You need to double space your paragraphs, and maybe (personal choice here), use the WritingML to indent the first line of each. Just type {indent} before the first word, and the line is properly indented, just like the first line of each paragraph in this review.




Sum1

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442
442
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Christina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is an interesting story you've written, but a confusing one for the average 'American' reader. I say confusing because you use a lot of descriptive words that most won't understand. I know you provided footnotes for each, but it's a little distracting to scroll to the bottom to see the explanation of each as you read. But, I can suggest no alternative that would work better, and I know this is the proper way to annotate words. So, I'll not comment, other than to say I found all these strange words hard to understand. That didn't detract from the story though, it flowed well, and had a lot of power to it.

         There were a few places that really caused some confusion though. In particular was the use of multiple names for the same personage. I've commented on that below. But as I've said, I really liked the flow of this, the thought process of Rosa, but especially the ending! I've commented on various aspects of the story below.



Title:  Excellent for this story.




Description:  I think this could be better. What you have right now is essentially Rosa's thoughts on why she's there performing the ritual. But how about 90 characters that describe this story? With this description, there's no hint that this is about a ritual being performed by the medium initiates.




Grammar:  I think you did an excellent job in using Portuguese words by an English translation or description with footnotes.




General Comments:  

1. In a couple of places, you refer to the new mediums as 'newbies'. That fits well, but is that what he would really call them? Or would he think of them as new mediums, or medium candidates? You go through great pains to use Portuguese words to describe parts of the ritual, so it seems strange that he would think of them as newbies, and not think of them using a Portuguese word.

2. After you first introduce us to Rosa Madalena, you once again mention her full name. It seems that after the first time, you could just use Rosa when describing something she is doing.

3. You have several run-on sentences in this, a habit I'm trying to break also. Here's an example of one. Rosa Madalena gathered her Offering bag and together with the other mediums, walked past their Spiritual Father in silence, not before solemnly kissing Pai 8 Antonio’s hand, and disappearing into the darkness of a world full of tombs, angel images, photographs, names, dates and dead flowers. This could be broken into 2 or more sentences to correct this.

4. I think the biggest problem I had in reading this, is what seemed to be multiple names for the same person. At least that's how I read it. Example: Spiritual Father, Pai Antonio, Babalorixa Antonio. It took a minute to realize they were the same man.

5. When Rosa Madalena finally arrived at her condominium it was way past 2 in the morning. Written in this context here, 2 should be spelled out as two. This is another place where you don't need to use her last name again.

6. While climbing up the staircases to apartment 606-H, she noticed that there was a dim light coming from the end of the hall, which was almost always dark. Does the reader really need to know her apartment number? Couldn't this have been mentioned simply as, While climbing up the staircases to her apartment, she noticed that there was a dim light coming from the end of the hall, which was almost always dark. You do an excellent job with descriptions in your story, but this one here just seems unnecessary.




Overall impressions:  An excellent story of a ritual being performed at midnight in a graveyard.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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Dear EyeSingOnTheCake,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         This is an unusual story you've written here. Unusual for the shortness of each 'chapter', unusual in the way you tell it, and unusual for it's lack of dialog. I have to say that I enjoy the story overall, but I can't rate it very high for a couple of reasons.

1. First and foremost is the lack of dialog. By not using dialog, you do a lot of telling. You may have heard the phrase "Show, don't tell." Dialog really helps in showing people how characters feel about things going on around them. It also can be used to change the flow, to show love, hate, concern, happiness, sadness, and about any other emotion you want to think of. You can do this without dialog of course, but then it becomes a matter of 'telling' someone about it. This makes the overall read a little off, and a bit boring. So I'm amazed I liked the story overall.

2. At the beginning of the story, the Baron is a soldier is serving under Napoleon in Egypt. He becomes enamored with Kimala and wants to marry her. This is where a little dialog, and a bit (okay, a lot) more description (or showing) would let a reader know that Kamila is Bedouin and not Egyptian. Yes, both are Arabic in nature, but their culture is far different.

3. There are numerous mis-used words, and misspelled words throughout the story. You should use a spell checker, as well as a proof reader to ensure this reads correctly.


         Like I said, I like the story, but I can't rate it highly just on that. I rate things I read based on the quality of writing, not my personal likes. If you do choose to edit this, I would happily come back to re-review and re-rate it.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Dear Lisa,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         This item has no reviews yet *Frown* so I just have to give it one! However, much as I'd love to give this 5 stars and expound about it from the mountaintops telling every one they should read and adhere to what you provide here, I can't. This needs a bit of editing TLC, and I hope that my comments will help you, should you choose to edit this.

         As you may realize, this dwells on a subject that I bet many can't relate to. I wonder how many people would be able to tell you what a Chakra is if you asked them. Until I read this, I had heard of Chakras, but I doubt I could have answered the question well. That doesn't mean every one is like me, it just means I couldn't answer the question very well. But, I'm willing to bet that the majority of adults (in America at least), either have never heard of Chakras, or can't tell you much about them. So what does this mean to you as the author who feels we should make better use of our Chakras? It means you have to lead people to them, you have to educate them in what a Chakra is, etc. You did very well in writing this really, other than a few grammar issues. But I feel you jumped in to this rather quickly, and rattled off a lot of data early on. If I may, I will show you a few suggestions on how you might edit this, should you choose to do something like that.



Title:  Excellent for this article.




Description:  Good for the article, but I think this is where you could introduce a reader to Chakras. Perhaps something like, "Learn what Chakras are and how each can help you attain a spiritual balance in life."




Grammar:  There are a few places you might want to look at. I will point them out in general comments, not to pick this apart, but to help you improve this article.




General Comments:  

1. I feel you jump into the Chakras too quickly as I've said. I would give more background on Chakras, how they can help one live a bit healthier, and their benefits. I did a quick search on Google, and found quite a few interesting short articles you could read to form your own thoughts to start this off. Or, quote them, and provide a link for the quoted text. An example would be something like this.

         Chakra is a Sanskrit word that literally translates to wheel or disk. Imagine these disks in your body (your 'Subtle body'), constantly turning, channeling our energy throughout. Each Chakra contains bundles or nerves and major organs, as well as our psychological, emotional, and spiritual states of being. With all this motion around and in us, it's imperative that we are well balanced. It is believed that by balancing our Chakras, we can balance our lives. So besides being a Sanskrit word, what is a Chakra?

         In Eastern philosophy and living, Chakra is an ancient Eastern wellness belief based on seven energy centers of the body. These energy centers govern all organs and work together as one, yet at the same time, work independently. These energy points are part of the 'Subtle Body', not your physical body, and are the meeting points of energy channels known as nadi. These energy channels move your life force and vital energy throughout your body. There are many Chakras in the subtle human body, but seven are considered to be the most important ones.

Now, I paraphrased (and I truly hope I didn't speak any lies here in writing those two paragraphs) my thoughts there from a couple of sources. Wikipedia (I know Wikipedia is a person's opinion more than it is technically correct), Mindbodygreen.com, and Chopra.com. I just feel that something like that will set the stage to educate someone on what a Chakra is, and the benefits of being aware of your Chakras.

2. There are a few places where your grammar is a little off. I will show some of them in the next comments.

3. The seven main chakras are found from the crown chakra which is found at the crown of the head and Root Chakra which is found at the base of the spine. You don't need the second usage of found. It is redundant, and makes a reader pause when they get to it. The biggest problem with that (at least for me) was that it's at the beginning of this article.

4. When one chakra is out of balance, it throws all of them off balance because one is working harder for the other. This might be better worded as, When one chakra is out of balance, it throws all of them off balance. This is because one or more of the rest are working harder to compensate for the one not in balance.

5. We can help ourselves in mind, body and spirit through the chakras. Maybe something like, By balancing our Chakras, we can balance ourselves in mind, body and spirit.

6. I'm not sure how you might do this on WDC, but it seems that showing the Chakras in a table type format would be better than listing them as you do. I felt like I was being inundated with information while reading this. Too much information might turn off readers, causing them to quit reading before they are through. We both know you don't want that! Maybe a listing of the Chakras, how they work for us, and what is affected by them. I think if you did an Excel spreadsheet, then did a screen capture of it, or used the 'Snipping tool' in Windows 7 and above, you'd get an image you could then imbed in your article.

Chakras


Root          Keeps us grounded          Makes us feel secure          Lower body & sex organs

Sacral          Sensitivity/Sexuality          Emotional needs          Spleen, Urinary Tract

Solar Plexus          Energy/Vitality          Self control          Digestive System

Heart          

Throat          

Third Eye          

Crown          

What I've tried to do above is use the {indent} function in WritingML to space the information on each apart. The problem is, if someone uses a different size window, it won't balance at all. So to me, using an image is much better.

7. Your description of meditation is good, but again, you jump right in without really educating someone on what meditation really is. In any kind of writing where you intend to educate someone on a subject, think Baby Steps. Start simple, and build from there.

         I think you get the idea of what I'm trying to say here. It's a good article full of excellent information. I just feel it could be formatted better to cause someone to read it more readily. There's a lot more to this that I could comment on, but I don't want to seemingly tear it apart.



Overall impressions:  A very informative article on Chakras, what they are, and how balancing them can lead to spiritual balance, and harmony in life. Makes me wish mine were better balanced.... *Smile*


Sum1

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Review of Bite of Vengeance  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Tiger Cub,
         I am reviewing this as a way of thanking you for your wonderful and avid participation in the GoT.

         As I first read this, I didn't quite understand what you had going on in the story. Especially since you referred to the main character's only family in one sentence, and 'him' in the next. Then, enter the segue, where your focus shifted from the main character to Daniel returning home with his secretary. Excellent! By that time, I had sort of figured out what was going on, but still, it made me smile. Loved the ending. Thank you for making me smile this morning. Even more, thank you for your participation in the Game of Thrones!



Sum1

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Review of The Last Salute  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Michael,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to confess, I really saw a review of this in the Anniversary Reviews forum, and had to give it a read. Being a veteran myself, I'm drawn to anything written about those who have served. I did not see action, I spent my career on Submarines. But I really respect those who have served in the branch they chose, especially those who put themselves in harms way.

         This is a very touching tribute to your comrades, well written, and something I know they'd be proud of. I especially loved your note below the poem, your tribute to each of them. You might consider writing a short story about them, and the day this all happened. Unless of course, that memory is too sharp, making it too hard to write. I do have a couple of very minor suggestions for this, should you choose to edit it.

1. In the second verse, the last line is not really needed. The wording in the verse already tells us that these men made the ultimate sacrifice.

2. Also in the second verse, last line. I would delete the second usage of 'we'. It's redundant, and the line seems to flow much better without it.

3. The last line of the poem is outstanding, and for me, made the poem so much stronger. I would separate that line from the verse so it stands alone. Just an opinion in each case here.

         Thank you for a sobering read this morning. Even more, thank you for your service.





Sum1

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447
Review of Farewell  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Sue,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I saw in your bio that you lost your husband in May of this year. I'm assuming it was May of 2008, since that's when you wrote this. It is a beautiful, loving tribute to your late husband. Your love for him is evident in every word of this poem. But, I hope you are still fine, and have managed to move on and live your life to it's fullest. I did see one verse you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this. In the second verse, you start the first two lines with 'We'. But even more, you use the word 'we' six times in that verse! In such a short span of verse like that, it really stands out. Thank you for an inspirational read this morning.



Sum1

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448
448
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey Matt,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         First thing I want to say, is that I did find this a bit amusing. Your description of hotel heaven was excellent, and made me smile, since I spend quite a bit of time in hotel rooms.

         I found myself wondering just how many people your main character had killed. *Smile* While he didn't really kill any of them, his small interaction (or major in some cases) resulted in their death. Sort of makes me wonder if I've caused anyone's death in my time....

         The story flows well, yet at the same time seems herky-jerky. What I mean is, some of your segues to the next subject are a bit abrupt, or a bit off somehow. Not sure I can explain it, but it just seemed that way to me. I looked back through the story briefly, and I'm not sure you ever named your main character. Not necessarily a big deal, it just seemed strange that your main character remained nameless throughout the story. In many ways, that's awesome! *Smile* I really liked the humor in this. Some was very slight, making one smile a bit here and there. But I don't need huge amounts of humor to allow me to enjoy something.

         While the story flowed well, there are a few things in it you may want to look at, should you decide to edit it.



Title:  Excellent for this story.




Description:  Very good, it pulled me in to read this.




General Comments:  

1. Some of your paragraphs are indented, but most are not. It's not a necessary thing, but you might want to be consistent.

2. I thought I recognised his face but couldn’t recall from where from nor could I think of his name. You need to delete one of the 'from' words in this sentence.

3. I couldn’t think of what to say in reply, so I simply said, Since this is with the following dialog, it should be a new paragraph, joined with the dialog.

4. I ordered a drink and downed it one. I'm not sure what you meant with this line.... To me, it doesn't make sense as written.

5. That was that, my life was over, all because of a petty little crush and one too many to drink.” It seems that you should delete 'to' before drink, and make drink plural.

6. I looked at the control panel and saw that the lights were all of, and the help button had broken off somewhere. Of should be off. "All the lights were off."

7. “I understand that you have met the four people who you killed, they’re the reason your dead. You should delete 'who' before you. Your should be you're.



Overall impressions:  A very cute story of a heaven, and the people you meet once you die. Have a sense of humor as you read this, and don't take offense at his idea of heaven.



Sum1

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Review of Final Goodbye  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Dear Web Witch,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         You have brought many a smile to my face with your witty and charming newsletters. But today you brought a small tear to my eye with this story of a love that knows no bounds. You don't see love like this in real life very often. I think most people say "I Love You" too often, to too many people for it to be a true love. Your descriptions of Sam and Helena were excellent. An unlikely couple when they were teens, but a natural couple when their love blossomed fully. I hate to say this, and rarely mention my own writings to another in a review, but this reminds me of a poem I wrote long before joining WDC. It has its flaws, but dang if I can bring myself to edit it. "Whisper"  Thank you for a most emotional read, thank you for sharing. But most of all, thank you for being you, and bringing so many smiles to our faces.



Sum1

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Review of Mom  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Robin,
         I can really relate to your beautiful poem about your mother. I lost mine 2 years ago, and have never written about her, or anyone else in my family who has left us. But then, I wasn't close to my family, I left when I was 18 (has it really been 43 years?), and rarely returned home.

         This is a free flowing poem that speaks volumes about your relationship with your mother. Many of the images you create here are ones I remember also. Your memories are very precious I know, as are mine. I remember days walking wherever we needed to go, small pictures we'd take with the camera I saved money to buy. Yes, negatives I don't have anymore, and never will, long lost to history. Thank you for sharing this, it's always nice to reminisce.



Sum1

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