Hey!
This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! 
Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!
 Initial hook: Hey I'm here to return the review you did for me I chose this piece because it sounded dark and horror filled, just what I like! Just as a side note I was also interested in reading the Dead Earth chapters but would have wanted to start with the first chapter which wasn't on show.
 Storyline: This tells the story of Jake who, after being pursued by bullies, makes his way into the woods where he comes across a mummified school where an assortment of horrific things take place. He runs through corridors coming across horror after horror only to wake up and realise it's all real.
This was an interesting story and I think it has potential. The bullying makes it quite realistic because this happens a lot within schools, though I really hoped his friend was okay! I think this star rating could be raised just by doing a few things and though I've given it this, I think the story itself works and is interesting. The rating is mostly for the mistakes found.
One thing I noticed throughout is that you tell the reader what is happening to Jake. For example, you wrote:
Jake couldn't see them but several twisted souls were all around him.
This tells the reader what Jake sees. However, I think you could make this better by allowing the reader to see what is going on, how the twisted souls look and how Jake feels and reacts. You could try something like:
As he entered the room, Jake felt a chill course down his spine. The hackles on his neck stood on end and his heart thumped in his chest. As his eyes scanned the room he saw only darkness, the shape of desks small shadows in the otherwise empty room, but he knew he wasn't alone.
Doing this helps set the scene and let the reader into Jake's character more.
 Characters: Jake is the main character here. He comes across as a normal teenage boy who is facing bullying. I think this makes it quite realistic and also makes the reader really feel for him.
 Setting: The setting of this piece changes and I think one thing you could do would be to add a little more description to help the reader see what's going on and set the scene and context too. For example, what did this abandoned school look like?
 Atmosphere/tone: I think you could add a little more tension to this piece if you continued to add more description and show the reader just how Jake felt.
 Dialogue: When writing dialogue, you need to begin with an upper case letter, have one punctuation mark at the end. Also remember, if a new person starts speaking this needs to go on a new paragraph.
  A few suggestions I had:
Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear
 Jake was riding home from school when the school bullies appeared behind him, Jake came to a halt as they circled his bike.
I think this would work better as two separate sentences as at the minute it's a comma splice.
Jake was riding home from school when the school bullies appeared behind him. Jake came to a halt as they circled his bike.
 One taunted him saying" where ya going Jake?".
Here you need a comma before the speech starts. You also need to get rid of the space after the speech mark and make the first letter an upper case.
One taunted him saying, "Where ya going, Jake?".
 The principal shouted" hey, what are you doing to this young man?!" .
The same thing applies here. Also, you only need one punctuation mark to end the speech. Here I'd probably go with the exclamation mark for effect.
The principal shouted, "Hey, what are you doing to this young man!"
 The next day at school Jake was handed back his stuff by his teacher and heard the bullies were doing community service for 5 days.
Numbers up to 100 are usually written out in full.
The next day at school Jake was handed back his stuff by his teacher and heard the bullies were doing community service for five days.
 during their service and Sam said" this stinks, Jake's gonna pay!".
during their service and Sam said, "This stinks, Jake's gonna pay!"
his teacher Johnson said" excellent work, you get a A Jake!".
This is a new person speaking so it should begin on a new paragraph. Also, you should only really use exclamation marks sparingly so they have more effect. You also need the word 'an' here as it sounds better next to 'A'.
his teacher Johnson said, "Excellent work, you get an A Jake."
handed him a apple in trade
This should be 'an'.
handed him an apple in trade
Jake & Nathan ran outside to the swing sets and chatted while swinging back and forth.
This should be 'and'. The & is only used in lists of things.
Jake and Nathan ran outside to the swing sets and chatted while swinging back and forth.
Jake stood his ground and looked left for a second, he looked back and the elder was gone!".
This just has an extra speech mark that isn't needed.
Jake stood his ground and looked left for a second, he looked back and the elder was gone!
Hope this helped!
Well done on a good write!!
Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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