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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell
Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Where did she go?  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item.

Hiya, Nixie 🦊 !



My Thoughts

I couldn't resist jumping back over to your port for another review before your shower was completed by someone else. I always enjoy reading your work, and this piece was definitely no exception.

The very first sentence created a bit of an ominous mood, and then you contrasted that by defining the cardinal's presence as comforting and familiar to create a sense of peaceful foreboding despite the impending loss. It was kind of a confusing jumble of feelings that somehow felt perfectly natural while I was reading. It put me in an introspective mood and made me feel like I was getting a glimpse of the kind of emotion that we usually lock up tight and rarely show others. When I say it like that, it sounds strange, but the emotion you conveyed in this piece was very raw and powerful, and the smooth flow of the prose, along with the personal nature of the content, made for an emotional experience. In other words, an extremely good read that left me deep in thought for quite some time because regardless of what one believes about death, it seems to be the one thing we are destined to never truly understand. At least not while we're still in a position to share said understanding. *Wink*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Just a couple quick things.

*Bullet*I can reach her by thinking, by mentally asking for me.
This didn't quite make sense to me. The first part is about you reaching her by thinking, and then the second part seems like it's going to add to that same idea, but then it ends with asking for me. Do you mean asking for her?

*Bullet*Knowing all that, is not stopping me from asking, Have you seen Jude?
I don't think you need the comma after that. For me, it broke the flow of the sentence prematurely.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I think it's great that you are able to write out your thoughts like this. Not only is it probably helpful in providing you with a small sense of peace, it effectively reaches out and touches others, regardless of where they may be at in their lives or what they may believe.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Whispering Walls  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Nixie 🦊 !



My Thoughts

Well, that was a nice little twist on what I was expecting to be a basic scary story. I liked it a lot. I will admit, though, it took me two reads to fully wrap my mind around what had happened. I can only think that’s a good thing. Anything that makes the reader think a little bit is well worth the time and effort. *Smile*

I enjoyed the narrative voice in this. There was a sense of fearful anticipation in his thoughts, and the use of short, dynamic sentences to reveal his reactions brought that mood to the forefront as he went through the stages from cocky disbelief to horrifying acceptance. His actions and reactions were believable, and the dialogue was spot on, both giving the reader a rounded sense of the story line and the characters involved. Very nice work all the way around.

I thoroughly enjoyed spending some time in your port. I really need to do it more often. *Heart*


Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
2045980
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Nixie 🦊 !



My Thoughts

Well, that was rough to read, so I know for a fact that it was brutal to write. I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I wish you and I could sit down over a pot of coffee or two and just talk. The way you talked to your dad in this is something I can definitely relate to. I’ve written to my mom several times over the past four years, several of those times to demand how she thought she had the right to leave me. Actually, as recently as a few months ago, I was angry that I had no one I could talk to like I could talk to her. Sure, I know that she had suffered enough and deserved the relief that death brought her, but sometimes those logical things just don’t exist in the murky depths of grief.

I think it’s really great that you share these thoughts with others by posting them in your portfolio. I’ve never had the nerve to do it, but I often think I should. We are never truly alone in our grief; there are so many people in the world that struggle as we do, and sometimes sharing our thoughts with each other can help in ways that we could never help ourselves. I have no doubt that this piece will reach many people out there and help them by showing them that they’re not alone and that it’s okay to think and feel, even when those thoughts and feelings aren’t what we might wish they were.

I hope writing this helped you through this hard time, my dear. It sure helped me to read it, especially after all of the emotions that were dredged up for me earlier this week. *Heart*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Happy Accidents  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Nixie 🦊 ! I’m back again. You’re going to be getting these reviews back to back because I’m having issues with my internet, so I’m doing up the reviews on my computer and then posting them all at once. Just in case you wonder about it. *Wink*



My Thoughts

Okay, now that was just cool. At first, I was a little confused, but once Valarie started explaining what his wife had done before she died, I totally got it and, honestly, loved the idea. It’s kind of a cool idea for the person who is dying to be able to take an active part in choosing her replacement. Not only that, but it would insure that the person left grieving didn’t lose themselves in their pain, and instead, would be given a chance to move on. I could definitely seeing it being a thing in the future. *Wink*

The story was well-written and flowed smoothly from beginning to end, and I enjoyed the flawless first person point of view. It allowed for me to experience everything right along with him, and I think that enhanced my reactions.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Just a couple little things for you. *Smile*

*Bullet*for humid, flat, Florida?
The comma after flat isn’t needed.

*Bullet*"Excuse, me."
The comma here isn’t needed.

*Bullet*You think this Valarie chick's on film?
A bit of a discrepancy here, unless the security guard is part of the group, because he doesn’t mention her name when he asks if he saw her.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable, thought provoking short story that left me wondering. Nice work.

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Geneva Fox !



My Thoughts

Awesome! I was glad to see this was a continuation of the story with Ido, and I had a great time getting to know Onyx. I thought it was really interesting to discover that she wasn’t really accepted by anyone in her life. Both the shifters and the mages seemed to shun her because of being a half-breed. This provides an opening for quite a bit of potential conflict as the story continues.

The dialogue in this section flowed really well, and I had no trouble at all envisioning the scene or the characters as they shared their meal. I really enjoyed the gentle teasing/flirting banter between them, and the way he decided not to take their relationship to the physical level quickly made me like him even more, not just because he’s a gentleman, but because he surprised her. That’s always sexy. *Wink*

The scene left off on a good note, and I found myself wanting to read more. Nice job.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

If you’d like to check out my suggestions, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable read, for sure. I look forward to reading more about Onyx and her world.


Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Ido's Story  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Geneva Fox !



My Thoughts

This was an involved and intriguing story about a conflict between humans and panther shifters that stemmed from a personal betrayal, and in a way, love. Kyo’s betrayal seeded a deep anger in his son, Ido, and even after years of separation and becoming the new leader of the pack, Ido was unable to let go of his anger or his desire for revenge.

A lot happens in this story, and for me, it came across in an and then kind of way after Ido’s meeting with his father and sister. Up until that point, the story was active and compelling, but then it came across as more a telling of what happened than anything else. I think you could increase the reader’s interest and reaction to the events if you slowed things down a bit and developed each of the main plot points more thoroughly. If you don’t want this to be quite long, you could even consider using scene breaks and Four Years Later type time jumps before getting into the meat of each scene. For me, this would make the story more interesting because I would get to know all of the characters, not just Ido, and it would allow for his anger to feel more natural because the reader would get more information on how he thinks.

As far as plot goes, I think you’ve done an excellent job mapping out each incident and how it led to the next, and I think the characters’ actions toward each other felt believable and realistic. A sense of betrayal can do a lot of damage, especially when one feels as though they are no longer good enough for the person who betrayed them, as Ido seemed to. He felt like his father was turning his back on his own kind, and that took his father’s betrayal to an entirely new level for him.

The ending kind of left off without letting the reader know what happened to him, so I’m hoping there will be more coming.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a variety of mechanical issues that I thought I would point out to you. If you’d like to check out my suggestions, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this story has a solid plot line, but I also think it could be a lot more powerful if you were to spend a bit more time showing each main plot incident that happened. Think it over and see if you agree. I have enjoyed reading this, and I look forward to reading more of your work. I have a feeling there is a lot more of this story to come.*Smile*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Blue Ribbon  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Fyn - !



My Thoughts

Oh, goodness! Now this was just plain fun! *Bigsmile* You don't label this with an 'historical' tag, but within the first few sentences, I was effortlessly transported to the Victorian era, and I loved every second of it. The dialogue in this was outstanding. The speech patterns matched the time frame perfectly, and I even found myself half-gasping at the language she used in her thoughts. When I read, insipid, annoying, and colorless I couldn't help but chuckle. Not proper for a lady, I'm sure! *Laugh*

The story flowed really well from beginning to end, and I think the way they met came across as believable and realistic. When he started the conversation with the color of her eyes, I fell in love, I think. So sweet and candid.

The personalities of all of the characters came through well, and I especially enjoyed Garrett.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few mechanical issues that I wanted to point out to you. If you'd like to check out my suggestions, please click here.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An incredibly enjoyable short romance. I loved every second of it. It left me feeling good about love and life in general--just what a romance should do! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Fyn - !



My Thoughts

The title of this poem caught my attention, probably because I'm feeling reminiscent after reading "Missing Mom." *Wink* Again, I'm so glad I stopped on this piece. As I read this, I was transported to the instant in time being described, not only in my mind's eye, but on an emotional level, as well. It was like experiencing a snapshot, a photograph that to anyone else might not be very important, but to the people involved was poignant and meaningful.

This actually got me to thinking about how we often come across people in our lives who remind us of others and bring with them memories that we may not have had the time to think about for a while. I guess it made me realize that even when someone is gone from our lives, they are never truly missing.

As far as I can tell, there was no set form or syllable count in this, but it flowed beautifully as I read it out loud, and I was left feeling happy for both of these people who were able to revisit happy memories and find love and acceptance in an unlikely place.

A thoroughly enjoyable piece. I'm having far too much fun reading your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Mom  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Fyn - !



My Thoughts

When I saw the title of this poem, I knew I had to stop and check it out. It just so happens that I'm spending my days going through my mom's things. It's been four years since she passed away now, and I'm just now at a point where I can touch her things without falling apart. So, I decided this piece was a fitting read for me.

I am so glad I stopped to read this piece. I have to admit, I was expecting a sad piece, but instead, you showed me a set of wonderful memories that made me smile and even laugh out loud. I can definitely relate to the negatives. In each package of photographs I look at, the negatives are sitting there in the back. *Wink*

Reading this took me from feeling the loss of my mom, to remembering the good times, especially times when she backed me up when she probably shouldn't have. Thank you for sharing this. It filled my heart with joy and helped me to see that I should be remembering the good things.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Not one single thing. *Thumbsup*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A joyfully reminiscent piece that I could relate to on more than one level. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and highly recommend it to others. *Smile*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of I Remember When  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.



My Thoughts

The tone in this poem was sweet and reminiscent as the narrator remembers various events in his life, beginning with the freedom of youth and ending with the acceptance of a man who had been through both good and bad times and come out stronger in the end. It seems like the narrator made a point of remembering pivotal moments in his life, moments that changed him and made him stronger, even the times that weren't so good such as the death of his younger brother.

I'm not sure if there's a specific form being used here, but I did notice that most of the stanzas were consistent in syllable count, the first line being one syllable longer than the second. I think this worked well to create a consistent rhythm while I read it out loud. The rhyme scheme was flawless, and I had no trouble at all reciting it. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I remember how I chased my dreams, and some of them came true
This is the only line that doesn't have end punctuation. Consider adding a comma at the end to maintain consistency.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this. Thanks so much for sharing. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Minor Key  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, ☮ The Grum Of Grums !



My Thoughts

This was a very sad, solemn short story, each sentence filled with a heavy sense of regret and self-incrimination. It left me with a heavy heart and a mind full of swirling thoughts about how our decisions affect our lives as a whole. It's funny, in a not so funny way, how what seems right one day can turn out to be exactly what we shouldn't have done. And, of course, hindsight is always twenty-twenty, so when we look back on our decisions, we can often see what we should have done so clearly. A thought provoking piece.

The story flowed very well from beginning to end, and I found the narrative compelling and intriguing. The character's decisions in life were revealed one at a time over a smooth timeline, and though there was no action, I became absorbed by his thoughts and regrets, as well as his failures. As he looked back on his life, there was a sense of futility, and it hit my heart. He wasn't whining about his decisions, but experiencing them all over again. Heart wrenching, really.

The ending was like the nail in the coffin for his dreams as he discovered that the one thing he had always thought he could go back to had changed irreparably over his absence, and it felt like a final acceptance of his fate.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice anything in this area. Nice work!


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A thought provoking, emotional, and memorable short story with a very strong message. Keep up the great work. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Promises  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, ☮ The Grum Of Grums !



My Thoughts

The title of this poem caught my attention, and I decided to take a peek. I'm so glad I did. The tone was solemn with just a sprinkle of wisfulness, and I found myself pausing after each stanza to soak up what it said. With each promise made, there was a little flicker of hope, but each time, it was replaced by disappointment and pain. It made for an emotional read. This piece really made me think, not only about the big things, but it brought back some of my past experiences, allowing me to further relate to the narrator.

I really liked how you covered so many different kinds of promises. It started with a promise to a child and escalated with each stanza until the ending brought it all around full circle. It left off on a thought provoking and memorable note. Very nice work.

The rhythm was smooth, and I didn't stumble at all when I read it out loud.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

For the most part, your punctuation was perfect. There was just a couple of lines missing the end punctuation. Consider adding this in where it was missed to maintain consistency.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an intense, thought provoking piece, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Keep up the great work!

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is being made of behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Smee !



My Thoughts

A solid and intriguing second chapter. Very nice job. Once again, the ending left me curious to see what would happen next, and that can only be a good thing. The ending hook is an important part of every chapter, and so far, you are doing an excellent job of making me want to keep reading.

As in the first chapter, the narrative flowed smoothly, and I had no trouble at all keeping up with Sej's thoughts, actions, or reactions. I found his actions and dialogue to be believable and realistic, as well as revealing in terms of Sej's character. While nothing in his life was making sense in this chapter, he held it together and managed to follow Morhem's directions quickly enough that they both escaped the lizard-man without too much trouble. The tension was high throughout their escape, and Morhem's dialogue added to the suspense and anticipation without being too obvious.

One thing I thought was interesting was that Sej knew what Morhem was when he said the name of his species. He didn't believe it, saying that his kind were just a fairytale, but he did seem to know what it was, so that left me wondering about where he had ended up. Perhaps an alternate reality? Not too sure, but I know I'm very curious to find out. Also, I found myself wondering about The Watcher and what he might be able to do to help Sej.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found a variety of mechanical issues, most of which I would consider final editing. If and when you decide to edit, these suggestions may help you out. If you'd like to check them out, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Another strong, enjoyable chapter. I'm more than eager to keep reading. *Smile*


Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Smee ! *BalloonB* Happy 9th Anniversary! *BalloonB*



My Thoughts

The tone you used was casual, allowing the reader to experience everything through Sej's inner thoughts and reactions, and it worked well to initiate the characterization, as well as set the mood. It was easy to feel his frustration over his writer's block, and as a writer, I could definitely relate to what he was feeling. I grinned when he made his drink a double. I've done that a few times myself. *Wink*

I really enjoyed your writing style. You did an excellent job of bringing the setting together, both with descriptive, active narrative, as well as with word choice and sentence structure. I had no trouble envisioning what was happening as the story progressed. Also, Sej's thoughts flowed smoothly, and I enjoyed spending time in his head. His personality came across well, and I often found myself grinning at the sense of humor employed throughout the narrative. Very nice work.

The scene breaks worked nicely to carry the reader from one scene to the next, and each section was consistent, allowing the changeovers to feel natural and smooth. I often find that short sections cause a story to feel disjointed, but with this opening chapter, it instead allowed me to experience each portion of the situation he'd somehow gotten himself into before continuing on.

The plot revealed in this chapter was intriguing to say the least, and the chapter left off on an excellent hook to keep the reader turning the page. Excellent work all the way around.

One quick suggestion. Consider placing the link for chapter two at the end of this chapter so your readers can go on to the next chapter without having to go looking for it. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Just a few very minor issues. *Smile*

*Bullet*Shaking his head in a bid to clear his thoughts he picked up the chair and sat down again.
Consider a comma after thoughts to show that Shaking his head in a bid to clear his thoughts is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*Slowly he moved his hands away, . . .
Consider a comma after Slowly because it is a disjunctive adverb that modifies the following sentence.

*Bullet* Eventually he peered through . . .
Same thing here. Consider a comma after Eventually for the same reason as above.

*Bullet*Gone was his elegant white shirt, and fine tunic.
The comma here isn't needed because there are only two articles, and they both belong to the same subject.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very strong, intriguing, and compelling first chapter. I look forward to reading more. *Smile*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Smee !



My Thoughts

Well, then. I guess that just goes to show just how much a person can change in ten years. At the end, I also found myself thinking about how sometimes, it's the things we fear most in ourselves that we ridicule others for. I guess maybe it's like the old adage, Takes one to know one, except in a completely new context.

I enjoyed reading this short story, and I liked how you left it to trail off at the end. While the reader didn't get to see the resolution exactly, it was obvious that after all that time, Simon was eager to make amends for the way he'd treated Mike. I really liked that Kevin knew about the bullying because it showed that Simon had been feeling bad about it for a while and had intended to make up for it when he saw Mike.

The narrative flowed really well from beginning to end, and the conversational, casual tone made it easy to follow Mike's thoughts and assess his personality through the internal reactions the reader was privy to. I found myself liking him right away, especially his sense of humor, and feeling like I could relate to his experience even though I've never had to deal with the exact same issues. I was able to feel what he felt without having to try. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found a variety of mechanical errors that I thought I'd point out to you. If you'd like to check out my suggestions, please click here.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable short story with a strong message. Keep up the great work. *Bigsmile*


Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Mum Knows Best  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is being sent on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Fran 🏅🇬🇧🇬🇧🏅 ! *Balloon5* Happy Birthday! *Balloon5*



My Thoughts

First off, I'd like to commend you for your ability to write a complete story in such a small amount of words. I've tried it, and it is hard. You did a great job with this. The story flowed well, and there was enough information given throughout for the reader to understand what happened. Poor Beth. It always sucks when you have to admit your mom was right, especially as a teenager.

The dialogue you included in this was nicely done to move the story forward, as well as show the character's personalities. While the reader doesn't get to know Jack very well, they are given more than enough information to see that he's a royal jerk.

I really liked the ending. She got her parting shot in and the wife probably wasn't any the wiser, but I'm sure Jack knew exactly what she meant.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few mechanical errors that I thought I'd point out to you. If you'd like to check out my suggestions, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable bit of flash fiction that used the prompt well. Keep up the great work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Lost Without You  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Same Ol' Sum1 ! Happy 5th Anniversary!

This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.



My Personal Impression

An interesting and creative poem, Jim. Very nicely done. I think it's pretty cool that you wrote a poem about the ever-elusive muse, and even more awesome that you managed to incorporate the theme of love in a way that didn't feel cheesy or overdone.


Tone & Mood

The first two stanzas placed in quote marks started the poem off on a somewhat sad or forlorn tone, and it worked really well to show the reader how upset he was over not being able to tap into his muse. The addition of him asking God for help, especially considering it was mentioned that he wasn't religious, showed how desperate he felt for the return of his creativity. I really liked the line, "felt less than a man," because I could definitely relate. When I sit and stare at my computer screen, it's exactly how I feel. Well, less of a woman, but you know what I mean. *Wink*


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

It flowed really well from beginning to end with only one rough spot for me as I read it out loud. The part, "yet never did he feel spurned," gave me a tongue-tied moment on my first read-through, but I can't for the life of me come up with anything that sounded smoother. I couldn't tell you if you followed a specific form or not for sure, I don't think so, since the syllable counts weren't exactly consistent, but the sentence structure worked well to create a smooth flow. The rhyme scheme seemed to work nicely, though there were a couple spots that weren't perfect rhymes. I think I liked that more than a forced rhyme. It gave it a little bit more character, in my mind.


Suggestions

*Bullet*Consider a comma before the endearments Baby and My Love because they are being used as direct addresses.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, a very enjoyable poem. Thanks so much for sharing!

Happy Writing!


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18
18
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, ~ Aqua ~ ! Happy Birthday, my dear. I can't believe you're seventeen! Where does the time go? *Bigsmile*



My Thoughts

My goodness, Aqua. It's been a long while since I read a story that hit my heart like this one did. So sad, yet with an underlying sense of hope that made me feel uplifted, even at the end. Lily was so brave to accept what happened so well, and though she will certainly suffer emotionally in the aftermath, she showed a strength of character that will serve her well as she continues through life.

The tone was conversational and emotional, and I think it worked really well to make the reader feel connected to Peter as the story progressed. His show of selflessness was outstanding. Instead of fighting for a few more weeks, he spent the days he had left making his daughter happy.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and I had no trouble following what was happening or when it was happening. The transitions from scene to scene were smooth and believable. Nice work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.


I noticed a few things that I thought I'd point out to you for whenever you feel like editing. If you'd like to check out my suggestions, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An emotional and insightful short story. A must read, for sure. Keep up the great work!

Happy Writing!
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19
19
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item and "Game of Thrones.

Hiya, Fangus ! Happy Birthday! I hope you have an excellent day. *Bigsmile*



My Thoughts

This was quite the read, Angus. I could easily sense your frustration as I read through, and I admire that you were able to present your thoughts from such a compelling and objective stand point. Your opinion was stated plainly, along with solid reasoning and compelling arguments, and I found I was able to identify with your thoughts. I tell you, I really shook my head when that guy suggested they suspend his cell phone use. Unreal. And your follow-up statement? Couldn't have said it better myself.

About four months ago, just a few miles from my house, a young man was texting and driving. Not only did he cost himself his own life, but also the two friends who were riding along with him. Such senseless pain for those families. Preventable death is always the worst.

Okay, back to the piece. The format of this piece was casual and worked well with the tone and sentence structure. I found no rough spots when I was reading. Nice job.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I just have one suggestion for you on this. Consider spelling out all of the numbers, instead of using numerical and letter format together. It's a little easier for the reader.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very compelling and thought provoking article. Thanks for writing this.


Happy Writing!
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20
20
Review of 1. Morning Coffee  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item.

Hiya, Prelooker !



My Thoughts

I came across this first chapter a couple of days ago, but I didn't have the time for a full read. So, when I got up this morning to find my kids already focused on their video games, I figured I'd stop in for a proper read and review. *Smile*

This was an interesting first chapter, I have to say. You did a great job establishing Gillian's character, her relationship with her son Connor, as well as her position within the force. By the end of the chapter, I felt like I was getting to know her on a personal level already, and I think that's great. I could relate to her reaction when she ran into her boss, and I admired the way she handled her son. Just those two things alone were enough to make me like her. Added to the smooth, casual flow of the narrative, I was able to feel like I really was walking around with her, experiencing things as she did.

It's all too easy to bog down a first chapter with exposition, and I'm so glad to see that you used active, engaging details instead. The information you provided about her and her life were enough to make me like her and want to know more without being so much that the character development was lost. Very nice work. It's hard to find that happy medium, but you managed it nicely.

At the end of the chapter, I found myself curious about many things, but in the forefront was the broody stranger, as well as the impact that investigating this kid's death will have on her and her son. I'm also curious as to why she hesitated when she found out Banks was picking her up.

From my perspective, the only part of this first chapter that I think could be stronger was the ending hook. In the last paragraph, consider adding in a thought of hers about Banks picking her up. Her dialogue showed that she wasn't thrilled about it, and I think giving the reader a little tid-bit about why would enhance the desire to turn the page. Or, now that I think of it, even a thought regarding how she feels about heading to the crime scene would work. Think it over and see if you agree.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found a few areas I thought I'd make some suggestions for. If you'd like to check them out, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, an effective and interesting first chapter. I look forward to reading more in the near future. Keep up the great work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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21
21
Review of Chloe's Sanctuary  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item.

Hiya, ~ Aqua ~ !



My Thoughts

This was a very emotional read. Right from the beginning, I was filled with a sense of profound sadness as Chloe woke from an upsetting dream to a reality filled with pain. The way you used the dream in the beginning and then phased to her waking up worked really well to set a dark, emotional mood. A very good introduction to hook the reader into reading on.

Chloe's thoughts and actions felt real and believable, and I was impressed by the strength of character she showed as the story progressed. She was understandably devastated, but at the same time, she was able to push herself into dealing with the reality of what she needed to do in order to move on. The change was gradual enough to be believable. Very nice work. Emotions are a hard thing to convey in a realistic way, and you've done an excellent job of that here.

The ending worked well within the context of the story and left me feeling both her sense of loss, as well as hope that in time she will create a bright future for herself. I got the sense that she might move on but never forget, and for me, there's nothing more romantic than that.

For me, there's only one thing that could increase the impact of this story. I found a bit of the wording to be a little passive, and I think working on making some of it more active could grant the reader an even more intense experience. I have included some suggestions regarding this below.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have included some suggestions for your consideration. If you'd like to check them out, please click here.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable, emotional, and compelling read. Keep up the great work, my dear! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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22
22
Review of Under Their Bed  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item.

Hiya, Starling ! Thank you for entering Round 126 of "The Weekly Quickie Contest. I am more than happy to read and review your entry as this round's judge. *Bigsmile*



My Thoughts

I have a definite soft spot for menage, especially when the woman needs convincing despite her inner desires, so I delved into this story eagerly. I wasn't disappointed, and to be completely honest, I would love to read more about this foursome. Though nothing physical actually happens at this point, the brothers begin to show her how they feel with this bit of trust play. Retrieving the key for them is a minor and unimportant thing on the surface, but the fact that she placed herself in a compromising position in front of all three of them in order to complete the task they asked of her was a great showing of the trust she had for them, and it was the encouragement they needed in order to make an actual first move. By the end of the story, I was more than ready to turn the page and experience more with them.

Jeremy, Jack, and Joshua came across as very patient men, and they will need to be in order to convince Sara that they are right for her. Regardless of her desires and fantasies, the reality of being with three men would seem unattainable to her, so I was glad to see how sweet and soft they were while convincing her that she could complete the task they asked of her. I really liked how they called her sweetheart and sweetness. Very romantic and loving, as well as sexy.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have some suggestions for you. If you'd like to check them out, please click here.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I found this to be an interesting and sensual beginning to what I'm sure could be a red-hot read. If you write anymore with these characters, I'd love to check it out. Even as a stand-alone piece, I think this worked well to create anticipation and excitement in the reader. Keep up the great work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Ali and Mitch  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item.

Hiya, ☮ The Grum Of Grums ! Thank you for entering Round 117 in "The Weekly Quickie Contest. I'm more than happy to read and review your entry as the round's judge.



My Thoughts

Oh, goodness! This story is an excellent mixture of super-sweet romance, light-hearted fun, and sexy discovery. I enjoyed reading it and found myself grinning throughout. Ali and Mitch both came across as very real people who had parted while young and managed to find their way back to each other in their retirement. I mean, really, what could be more romantic than that? Add in their banter, obvious attraction, and a little bit of edgy dialogue, and you have a delightful read with just enough sensuality to make it erotic. I love that you used an older couple in this story. So few writers venture into the later years where sexuality is concerned, and I commend you for not only doing it, but presenting the situation in a way that was sexy and fun. Nice job!

The dialogue between these two was realistic and sassy, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The ending line was fantastic and left me feeling very happy for these two.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few minor typo errors, but I didn't bother marking them down here because I'm sure they're things you'll notice if you decide to edit. If you have any interest in a list of suggestions, just let me know. *Smile*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very good read that incorporates a great mixture of sweet and sexy. Keep up the great work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
for entry "Invalid Entry
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item as a part of your current shower. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*

Hiya, Escape Artist !



My Thoughts

Now that was an excellent first paragraph. Very nicely done, JJ. Your first sentence set an anticipatory mood and gave the reader the impression of a fully defensible fortress. The fact that its referred to as Sam's living quarters told me two things. First, he's a soldier of some sort, and two, he's a soldier who takes his safety seriously, which in then made me wonder why. An excellent beginning to cement the reader's interest. It worked on me, that's for sure.

This is, for sure, my favorite chapter so far. I loved Sam right from the beginning. His dry humor coupled with the determination and emotional grit of an experienced commander made for a combination that provided a real character with real abilities and real fears that the reader will root for with pleasure. Sam has seen more in his lifetime than most could even think about, and it showed well in the way he held himself and reacted to both the general and Angel.

The writing in this chapter was succinct, dynamic, vivid, and on point, bringing the reader into the situation with an intensity that produced a high level of expectation and anticipation. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, ready and willing to dive in to find out what happens next. I can't wait to meet his diverse special ops team.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

You know me, I can't help but notice the little things. If you would like to see my suggestions on editing, please click here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very good chapter. I enjoyed it immensely, and I'm eager to read more. Keep up the excellent work.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, G. B. Williams

This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item.

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

This poem struck a personal chord for me. My mom passed away in 2011, and each year since, I've found Mother's Day to be one of the days in the year that I think of her the most. Now, as my children are getting older and showing me their appreciation for me on Mother's Day, I feel like I finally understand the sacrifices she made for me year after year, regardless of what it may have cost her personally. I also loved that you showed that there are many other women in our lives, who may not be our birth mothers, who we appreciate on this special day.

My favorite part was the first stanza because it showed the unconditional nature of a mother's love and set the loving, thankful mood for the rest of the piece to build on.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

This was a free style poem without any set syllable count or rhyme scheme, but it certainly didn't hinder the flow at all, and I think the impact of the message was even greater because the words were heartfelt rather than perfectly placed.


Suggestions

*Bullet*Someone out there will be there for you,
No mater what the cost or what the price.
The second line here felt awkward as I read it out loud. Consider simplifying it for a smoother flow. For example, No matter the cost or the price.

*Bullet*For when she is gone, and there are no word to say,
Consider making the word word plural.

*Bullet*Just because you didn't do what you were asked,
and trouble found you and latched on.
For me, this feels like an incomplete thought. Usually when a sentence starts with Just because it follows up with something like, doesn't mean. For example:

Just because you didn't do what you were asked,
and trouble found you and latched on,
doesn't mean you won't find that someone who cares,
no matter the cost or the price


Now, rather than completing the initial thought you started, you could always rephrase it just a little bit to allow for the two separate thoughts in the stanza. For example:

Even when you don't do what you're asked,
and trouble finds you and latches on,
someone out there will be there for you,
no matter the cost or the price.


I know you'll find a much better way to fuse the ideas together than what I've provided, but I hope my attempts at least give you an idea of what I mean. *Wink*



*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A beautiful tribute to mothers and other important women in our lives on Mother's Day. Keep up the excellent work. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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