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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review of Taking a Stand  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Jaeff | KBtW of the Free Folk !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Very good opening paragraph. The first sentence grabbed my attention, and the following paragraph piqued my interest. Nicely done.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, and I found the action and intensity built up in a steady rhythm, allowing the reader to feel a continual rise of suspense and anticipation as she finds Josiah and leads him through the tunnels. When he slipped out of the tunnel, I nearly held my breath, waiting to see if she would follow. Excellent work.

I really liked the idea of the tunnels under the city. The short history you included about them being used by merchants and the like was believable and original. Something I wish I would have thought of myself. Nice.

The character of Ellie was well developed, and I really think the opening scene was effective in establishing the kind of person she was. Right away, she was shown as a risk taker and someone who didn't like to follow the rules. Well, maybe not that she didn't like to follow rules, but she had enough of a mind of her own to know that she didn't agree with the rules, and she had the courage to stand up for what she believed in. The only thing I wasn't sure with her was her age, but I'm thinking she could have been anywhere from thirteen to sixteen, considering her mature way of thinking.

Also, the dialogue was great. Besides some issues with the placement of dialogue which I indicated below, I felt the dialogue flowed naturally, and was well worded to show the individual character's personalities.

The ending left me hanging, but at the same time, it allowed for the reader to create whatever ending they desired, so it worked out well.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* "Thank you, constable." Mrs. Claven said, ...
The period after 'constable' should be a comma because it's followed by a dialogue tag.

*Bullet*Since then, he has devoted his life ...
While this sentence works well within the context of the paragraph, it uses present tense. Consider altering the wording slightly to keep the tense consistent. Perhaps something like, 'After that, he devoted his life ...'

*Bullet* There were a few branches of a few older tunnels ...
The word 'few' feels repetitious in this sentence. Consider eliminating the second one as it is not needed to establish the fact of multiple tunnels.

*Bullet* "Hey!" He yelled.
The word 'He' doesn't need to be capitalized because it is a dialogue tag.

*Bullet* "Wait!" He cried out.
Same thing here with the 'He'. It happens a few more times throughout the story.

*Bullet*She stopped, but turned around to face him.
I think the word 'but' should be 'and'. It doesn't really make sense with the 'but'.

*Bullet* He looked at her intently.

"Because I'm going to put an end to Governor Rourk."
When the same character is doing the action and speaking, the two can go together in the same paragraph. It works well to show the reader that the one doing that action is the one speaking. This happens often throughout the story and can be quite confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*I'm tired of letting people like Rourk controlling people like my parents ...
I think 'controlling' should be 'control'. Read it out loud and see what you think.

*Bullet*And second, how do you think it would look if they found two Constructs in pieces in the courtyard.
I think this should end in a question mark.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very entertaining read. I enjoyed it very much. The plot line was strong, and the characters were likable and realistic. If you ever decide to continue the story, I would definitely be interested in reading it. *Smile* If you decide to edit, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and revise my rating accordingly.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
77
77
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Thoughts

This was a really good read. I decided to review it because my reaction to it was quite strong, so bear with me. *Wink* I found this piece both sad and uplifting at the same time. The first part concentrates on the pain felt when love is lost, the aching that just won't seem to go away, no matter how hard you try. Then, in the last couple of stanzas, you show how one can pull free of those negative emotions and thoughts, and look toward a time when the pain will be dulled. The last line was very powerful because it brings the whole poem together, but also because it's so true. Leaving love behind would have to be one of the very hardest things to do. I couldn't imagine having to try. Good stuff, Mike!


Tone & Mood

The tone was emotional and contemplative without being at all bitter. I sensed only the grief of loss and a desire to find a way to deal with the emotions in a way that the speaker could continue on. So many times in this kind of poetry, a sense of callousness finds its way in, creating bitterness and anger. I think it's awesome that this piece did not lay blame. I think it allows it to be that much more emotional for the reader. Nice work.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

The rhyme scheme in this was consistent and smooth. The words were chosen carefully to give impact while maintaining a smooth flow from beginning to end. There was just one line that I stumbled over as I read out loud. It is as follows:

Now I sit here wondering why.

For me, it would flow a little smoother as 'Now I sit and wonder why'. See what you think. *Smile*


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A powerful, meaningful poem that I'm really glad I had a chance to read. Keep up the wonderful work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
78
78
Review of Worth A Try  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, QueenErinI !

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Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I saw you listed on "Meet the Newbies" at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"  and thought I would stop in for a read. One of my weaknesses is werewolves, so this piece caught my attention. *Smile*


My Thoughts

The introductory paragraph was very well done to pull the reader into the story and show the character's personality through her thoughts. The phrasing of the sentences worked to show the emotion behind the words without needing anything extra to establish the character's voice. Nicely done. Also, your use of the first-person perspective was smooth and consistent, allowing the reader to lose themselves in the narrative without being confused over tense issues. *Thumbsup*

Great introduction to Kayden's character. You chose something that was realistic for the character to be thinking about to show some details about Kayden's personality which allowed the narrative to move along without stalling over details.

The explanation of what she's passing by as she walks home does a nice job of foreshadowing the coming encounter with the wolf, and the mention of 'emerald eyes' works well to make the reader think of Kayden. It also works well to heighten the tension of the story. My only issue with the scene is that you 'told' me what happened, rather than 'showing' it by describing it. Slow down and envision the scene as it happens. What thoughts go through her mind as she sees the wolf's teeth sink into the human's throat? What does it look like to her? Adding details to the encounter would make it come alive in the reader's mind and create even more tension. You want the reader to feel suspense when the wolf shows up, and then relief when he saves her, and in order to do that, the reader needs to be able to 'see' it happen, not just 'know' it happened.

The rest of the story flows well, and kept my interest easily. I was eager to see whether or not they would be able to get together, and I was pleased that they did. I'm not sure that I believe how easily she accepted that he was a werewolf, though. There was very little disbelief on her part at all, and even though the eyes tipped her off, I still think there would be more than a few lines exchanged over the issue.

I know you state in the description that this is a one shot story, but you definitely have the makings of a longer story here if you choose to pursue it. The ending is satisfying as a short, but could easily be extended. You made me like both of the characters, and that's a big part of keeping the reader interested to read more about them. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* Fortunately I know my stuff;
Consider a comma after 'Fortunately' because it is a disjunctive adverb as well as an introductory word.

*Bullet*“Calm down. I have a better way for you to use up all this energy.” I stop spinning, my attention caught by my green-eyed companion.
Since the action being performed after the dialog is that of Alivia and not Kayden, it should be in its own paragraph. You could easily place it directly before her response in the following paragraph.

*Bullet*“One of my friends is having a party tonight on the other side of town. I’ll pick you up on my way there,” he offers. I bounce up and down with excitement.

“Really? I’m so there,” I reply eagerly. “You remember where I live?” He grins.

“I couldn’t forget. I’ll see you tonight, then.
The same thing is happening here. When one character is speaking, only his/her actions should be included in the same paragraph as the dialogue. Consider the following:

“One of my friends is having a party tonight on the other side of town. I’ll pick you up on my way there,” he offers.

I bounce up and down with excitement. “Really? I’m so there,” I reply eagerly. “You remember where I live?”

He grins. “I couldn’t forget. I’ll see you tonight, then...

As you can see, the actions all correspond with who is speaking. This happens quite often throughout the story. Consider smoothing it out in order to reduce any chance of confusion on the reader's part.

*Bullet**time skip*
Rather than doing this, you could use a scene break such as:

*Note* *Note* *Note*

To do this, simply type {center} {e:note} {e:note} {e:note} {/center} and it will show up the same as the above example on your story.

*Bullet*“How do you mean, errands?”
This may be a difference in the areas that we live, but I think 'What do you mean' would be more appropriate.

*Bullet* Apparently she’s overseas on a missions trip with her...
Consider a comma after 'Apparently' because it's a disjunctive adverb, as well as an introductory word.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. Consider going through to smooth out the paragraphs that include dialogue and action to reduce confusion. It would enhance the flow of the story and the ease of the read nicely. Keep up the great work! I look forward to reading more of your writing. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
79
79
Review of The Accident  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya, !

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I saw your review request posted on "Invalid Item"  and thought I would stop by for a read. *Smile*


My Thoughts

This piece really spoke to me. I lost my mom in July of this year, and though I have learned to move on, she is always on my mind. I think this piece is a wonderful way for you to express your emotions, as well as to allow others who may be experiencing the same kind of thing to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It may also act as a warning to some by showing them that we need to always be sure that we can live with what we say and do. I have a similar regret where my mom is concerned, and it has taken a lot of work on my part not to sink into a self-induced despair over something I cannot change.

This essay was very well written and structured. It read smoothly from beginning to end, and I could sense your emotions clearly. The use of descriptive wording worked nicely in the first paragraph to set the somber mood and allow the reader to feel the emotion right from the start. Nicely done. Also, the first sentence did a great job of capturing my attention and pulling me into the piece.

The only thing that threw me off a bit was the very last part that said 'Now, a month after my mother's death'. Through the essay, I felt as though this was written quite a while after her death, rather than only a month after. It confused me for a moment. Something for you to think about. *Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have a few suggestions regarding comma usage. *Smile*

*Bullet*...the old gate of the cemetery in our small town creaked, as I slowly pushed it open.
The comma before 'as' isn't needed because it is a subordinating conjunction that shows time. There are several spots where the word 'as' shouldn't have a comma. One way to remember whether to use one or not is to ask yourself if it shows 'when' something happened. If it shows time, a comma is not needed.

*Bullet* I felt closer to her, than I ever had after that fateful accident.
The comma before 'than' is not needed because it stunts the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*the Twenty Third of November, Two Thousand and Ten
These numbers do not need to be capitalized. Also, consider using hyphenation to make them proper. For example, 'the twenty-third of November'.

*Bullet*It started out normally enough, I argued with my mother, in the morning before school, about the party I wanted to go for that night.
Consider using a period rather than the comma after 'enough' to separate the two thoughts. Also, the commas in the second part are not needed. One quick way to check, and it doesn't always work, but is sometimes helpful, is to speak the sentence out loud. If the pauses sound funny, then chances are that they aren't needed. Like I said, that's not a fool-proof method by any means, but it is helpful.

*Bullet*she logically explained to me, that going to the party was not advisable.
No comma here.

*Bullet*The next thing I remember was when my frantic father called my school to notify me about my mother’s accident, she was taken by a good Samaritan, ...
Start a new sentence with 'she was taken...' because it's the start of a new thought.

*Bullet*It was a feeling that I only I completely understood.
The first 'I' is extra, I think.

*Bullet* But gradually like a ray of sunshine the path was drawn in front of me.
Consider the following punctuation to improve the flow: 'But gradually, like a ray of sunshine, the path was drawn in front of me.'

*Bullet*Today, a month after my mother’s death, I knelt beside her grave and with moist eyes, whispered into the silence, “I love you mom.”
Consider adding the word 'and' before 'whispered'.

One last thing. Be careful of adverbs ending in -ly. While they are very useful in descriptions, they tend to tell rather than show, and most publishers frown on them being used any more than one every three hundred words. Of course, that only matters if you are looking toward publication. *Wink*


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

This was a well-written, emotional, as well as inspirational essay, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read it. I'm sure that anyone who has felt this kind of loss will be able to relate to the emotions and be uplifted by the content. Well done. Keep up the great work. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
80
80
Review of The Storm  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, hellofromme !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


My Thoughts

Wow. This was a very emotional poem. I've read it over several times now, and each time it hits me the same way. I lost my mom a few months ago, and this is the first piece I've found that comes so very close to how I feel.

I love how this piece progresses from a soft, loving tone in the beginning, almost that of a child, to a deeper, grief filled tone at the end. While the softness remains, I could feel the change through how the scene changes just slightly in each section. Very powerful and effective.

This is free style all the way, and I was impressed at how well it flowed even without a specific meter. I would love to learn how to do that! *Wink*

My only suggestion for you is to edit this for grammar and punctuation in order to enhance the reader's reaction. The content is very strong, and it would be a shame for a reader to get stopped in the progression of emotions by technical inconsistencies. I have included some suggestions for you below.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*when the storm has passed and it's time for me to leave,
Consider capitalizing the first word since this is the beginning of a new thought.

*Bullet*waving goodbye,
with a smile,
I know a lot of people insist that each line in a poem must have punctuation, but there are many of us that don't agree. It's a matter of personal taste for the poet, and for me, I think poems flow smoother when proper punctuation rules are used. Consider removing the comma after the first line to promote a smoother flow in the words.

*Bullet*you hide it all be hide your smile.
I think 'be hide' was meant to be 'behind'.

*Bullet*Consider going through and capitalizing the 'I' and 'I'm' words.

*Bullet*and i'm sure you can tell that i am too.

because now it's my turn to plaster on a smile too hide my sadness,
Consider removing the period after 'too' because the following line is a part of the same thought.

*Bullet*i'm standing trying my best to hide it with a smile.
Consider a comma after 'standing' to separate the two actions. It would make it a bit more clear for the reader.

*Bullet*Now i know you can tell,
as my wet, heavy, tears spill down my face,
soaking my shirt,
i'm terrified,
I think you could give this section a lot more impact by playing with the punctuation a bit. See what you think of this:

Now I know you can tell
as my wet, heavy tears spill down my face,
soaking my shirt—
I'm terrified.

Then start a new sentence with the following line to give it its own time in the spotlight. *Smile*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very powerful piece of poetry. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I think with a little bit of polishing, it could be even more powerful for the reader. You show some extraordinary ability to place your emotions in the words as you write. Keep up the awesome work.

If you decide to revise or edit, please feel free to let me know. I would absolutely love to come back and give this piece the 5 stars that I feel it deserves. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
81
81
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, coincidenceandleprechauns !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


My Thoughts

This was quite an interesting story. Not only did the character's emotions come through in a way that I could feel them, but the imagery and active descriptions allowed for me to see the scene as well. Very nicely done. The gentle, forlorn tone in this piece came through nicely, allowing the reader to feel the emotions clearly.

I found myself feeling a variety of emotions as he watched the woman walking to the garbage can with her memories and her wedding ring only to discover that her heart wouldn't allow her to throw them away. I found myself very curious to see why she wanted to throw them away in the first place, and then he saw the man come home and it all made sense to me. A very creative way to tell a story without ever 'telling' it.

So many little things went together in this to create the whole picture right from the cracked window, the state of the main characters home, the way the couple acted that he watched, and so on. Very good eye for detail.

The theme in this piece was summed up very well by the line: 'In his own unblinking eyes, he mused over them as ghosts; they may as well be non-corporeal for all the difference they made.' Neither the man nor the woman were happy, but neither one was able to do anything to change that. Likewise, the man watching them seemed stuck in the endless routine of watching rather than doing. Thought provoking, for sure.


My Favorite Parts

The identical panes of glass – a collection of distorted swirls and plain sheets - sat in the window frame back when his mother bought the house, but since then the smooth pane that his gaze most often passed through had been fractured, like shattered ice, though still intact.

I loved this description of the window. Through your use of active words, I could literally 'see' the panes of glass he watched through. This section also helped to set the mood by showing that the character left things around his own home in such a state. It gave some insight into his state of mind.



Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Daily he bowed his head with sorrow as she drifted between despondency and acceptance;
Since the word 'Daily' is a disjunctive adverb, a comma following it would be appropriate.

*Bullet*He sat in his threadbare chair and watched as the shadows envelope the clutter on his desk.
The word 'envelope' should be 'enveloped in order to maintain tense.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very well written, thought provoking short story. You mentioned this was for an assignment. I'm sure you must have received a good grade for it. *Smile* Keep up the great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
82
82
Review of Parting Ways  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, ~WhoMe???~ !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

Oh, my. This was a fun read, for sure! I really enjoyed myself with this one. *Smile*

What a great introductory paragraph! You did an awesome job of building up the question in the reader's mind of what they were disagreeing about, causing the reader to need to know. A very good opening hook.

I love how you accomplished the personification in this piece. When I read the prompt, my first thought was that I didn't think I could write from the perspective of a piece of clothing. I have to admit that you did an excellent job doing just that. I also really liked how you hinted all the way through about what article of clothing the speaker was without ever revealing it until the end. When the seam ripped as she was getting out of the car, I finally put all the clues together.

The voice in this was very well done. The tone was conversational and personal, and it allowed me to get a good sense of the personality behind the voice, allowing the decline of its emotions to be smooth as the piece progressed. It felt natural and realistic, and considering that we're talking about a pair of jeans, that's awesome. *Thumbsup*


My Favorite Parts

Favorite or not, we are parting ways, just as I parted the seam and left her derriere to hang in the wind.

Oh, goodness! I couldn't help but laugh out loud at this one. What a perfect line! *Laugh*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*It wasn't the first time her, and I have not seen eye to eye.
The comma after 'her' is not needed in this sentence. It caused me a slight amount of confusion at first because it broke up the sentence.

*Bullet*We use to be great friends.
The word 'use' should be 'used' when used in this context.

*Bullet*so what did she expect.
Consider a question mark at the end of this sentence to heighten the effect.

*Bullet*I had suffered at her hand for one time more than I was willing to allow.
Consider removing the word 'for' to increase the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*When she got upstairs, she through herself on her bed...
The word 'through' should be 'threw'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very enjoyable read from beginning to end. Nice work! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
83
83
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Round 66
Prompt: Birthdays



Hiya, Bikerider !

I am more than happy to read and review your work. Any suggestions I provide are my opinion. Always feel free to disagree.

Very nice! The title takes on a whole new meaning each time it's used during the course of this story, and I really liked how you associated it with each change in Carrie's desire without making it seem repetitive.

The wording you used to describe the scene between the two women was very nice. It allowed for Carrie's feelings of nervousness to dissipate as Julie worked her magic on her. The ending was priceless. That her man had set it all up for her in order for her to live out her fantasy on her birthday showed how much he loved her. Nice work.

The tone was soft and loving right from the beginning, and it worked very well to set the mood. *Thumbsup*


Suggestions

*Bullet*When actions follow dialog, the comma at the end of the dialog should be a period so that the action can be a stand alone sentence. For example, you wrote: “I’m Carrie,” they shook hands. “…I’ll kill him.” In this instance, the comma after 'Carrie' should be a period, and the 'they' should be capitalized.

*Bullet* Julie frowned, “Can I buy you a drink?
The comma following 'frowned' should be a period since it's an action.

*Bullet*Carrie slid off the stool and eyed the back of Julie’s firm legs, she liked the way Julie’s skirt pulled tightly against her butt, Yeah, she definitely works out, Carrie thought.
The punctuation is a bit off here. Consider: Carrie slid off the stool and eyes the back of Julie's firm legs(.) She liked the way Julie's skirt pulled tightly against her butt(.) Yeah, she definitely works out, Carrie thought.


In Conclusion

A great read, Angelo. I enjoyed your take on the prompt. Thank you for entering Round 66 of the Weekly Quickie and allowing me to read and review your work. *Smile*

Congrats! You have won Second Place for this entry! Your prize is included with this review. *Bigsmile*

Tone & Mood *Right* 5.0
Plot & Characters *Right* 5.0
Technical Aspects *Right* 4.5
Use of Prompt *Right* 5.0
Blush Factor *Right* 4.5
Total Rating *Right* 5.0


~A.J. Lyle~

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
84
84
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jaya !

This is the third of three reviews that you won in "SHERRI'S HAPPY HOLIDAY AUCTION CLOSED" . Thank you again for your generous support! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

Ah! You shocked me with this one. *Smile* Nice work on the twist at the end, my dear. It really took me by surprise. *Thumbsup*


Strengths

The serious, suspenseful tone you used to the set the scene in the first few paragraphs did a great job of drawing me in to the story. You used some solid facts about Jeremy to create a persona for him of an investigating lawyer, the kind of man that didn't back down from a challenge, no matter what he was going up against. The reference to murky plots and politicians increased the effect of his characterization. Nicely done.

The scene flowed well from beginning to end, and the tension increased up to the climax of Jeremy being pulled out of the plane, seeming to be starting a fall to his death when the twist suddenly comes out of nowhere. Very good work. It came as a total surprise to me, and that's just what a twist should do. *Thumbsup*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*He had uncovered quite a few murky plots hatched by people of rank, for selfish motives.
Consider a small change to the end of this sentence to increase the flow. I think if you omit the comma and change 'for' to 'with', it would produce a more clear and effective sentence. For example: He had uncovered quite a few murky plots, hatched by people of rank with selfish motives.

*Bullet* The man he was contesting against was of integrity and willing to work for the people, not to better his finances as few others before him did.
The use of 'contesting' and 'against' is not needed. They both mean almost the same thing, so it seems like repetition. Also, the 'he' in this sentence is not defined. Consider making it more clear who you are indicating. Also, consider 'was one of integrity' to smooth the flow. Okay, one last hing. *Wink* When you said 'as few others did before him' did you mean to make it sound like not very many had before him? Perhaps you meant to say, 'as a few had before him' to indicate that there had been a few who ran only for the money.

*Bullet*Jeremy felt the strong push given from behind.
Consider 'a' instead of 'the' to increase the flow.

*Bullet* and Jeremy found himself plunging headlong into what appeared to be a death trap.
The wording 'into what appeared to be' creates a passive sense to this sentence. I think it would be much more dramatic if you said 'Jeremy found himself plunging headlong into a death trap'. See what you think.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An very good piece of flash fiction. Considering the amount of time that you had to write it, especially, you did an excellent job. Very few could have come up with a twist that well done in that short amount of time. *Thumbsup*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
85
85
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Invalid Item" 

*Star*For the premise of this group's activities, please see: *Star*
"Invalid Item" 

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, jaya !


Why I Chose To Review This Item:

I am here for the second of three reviews that you won in "SHERRI'S HAPPY HOLIDAY AUCTION CLOSED" . I chose this piece because it hit a chord for me when I read through it, and I just had to let you know. *Smile*


My Thoughts

The title of this piece first caught my attention. "Spreading Hope" instantly filled me with a desire to know how you thought hope could be spread. Hope is one of the things that I feel is the most important for everyone in the world to hold onto, no matter where they are or what they experience because it is one of the only things that can never be taken from them by force.

As I read through this, I was overcome with thoughts of when my mom was very sick. There was one pastor who was a ray of hope for me as we struggled through treatments and surgeries. The section, 'They bring the candle of joy and hope -- Even in the face of death, inspire to cope' couldn't have described him better. Then I realized that there is probably that person in almost everyone's life, if they are willing to recognize them and listen to them. *Smile*


Conventions

Honestly, I was very impressed with this piece. Leger's '15 for 15 Contest' is a true challenge because you get only 15 minutes to come up with your entry. For that reason, I though this was extremely well done, and I commend how you were able to create such a powerful, effective piece is such little time.

The rhyme scheme was very well done, and the words were chosen well to create a smooth sound as I read this out loud. There were a couple of spots where I wondered at the rhyme, but I found out with the right accent, they rhymed perfectly. *Wink*

While there was no set syllable count within the lines, I found that they flowed very well from one to the next. The only thing that threw me off once or twice was the lack of punctuation. I have included a few suggestions below for that, but on the second read, that didn't phase me because I was able to remember where the pauses should be.

The use of the yellow flower to show how those who bring hope often stand alone by the way side was a powerful use of imagery. It allowed for me to see the situation from an outside perspective, as well as from a personal view point. That, and the fact that yellow is often representative of friendship and hope increased the overall effect nicely.


Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

I just have a couple of suggestions that I think would increase the flow of the read. They are as follows. *Smile*

*Bullet* Consider a comma at the end of the first two lines in the second stanza. Also, I think the comma after 'Single' could be omitted to increase the flow. One last thing. The words 'over ride' could be one 'override'.

*Bullet*Abandoned to thrive, on its own.
Swayed the little yellow flower
A welcome sight, to the observer.
I think the period at the end of the first line is a bit too much of a pause because the word 'swayed' seems to depend on the previous line in order to carry the sentence. Consider a comma instead.

*Bullet*Like gems they emit light in darkness thus
Because the last two lines of this stanza run into the stanza following, consider a period at the end of this one. That would allow the following line to be the beginning of the next part.

*Bullet*Across their world, and that of others
Instill courage and confidence
In the poor millions of continents.
Consider removing the comma in the first line to increase the flow. Also, consider a dash or semicolon after 'others' to show that the following two lines are connected yet are a separate thought.

*Bullet*Even in the face death, inspire to cope
Consider adding the word 'of' between 'face' and 'death'.


My Favorite Part(s)

They bring the candle of joy and hope
Even in the face death, inspire to cope
They fill their fellow humans even in desperation
With life, vigor and renewed aspiration.

What a powerful ending stanza. It sums up the theme of the poem very well and leaves the reader feeling good. Nice work.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An inspirational, motivational, and meaningful piece. A very good read from beginning to end, my dear. Keep up the amazing work!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
86
86
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann - House Martell !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Thoughts

I was browsing through your port when I spied this item on how to link items. What a great idea! I have seen many of these kinds of articles on WdC, but I think that this is, by far, the most simple and effective way of showing members, not only how to link items, but also what those links are and what the differences are between them.

I know when I first joined, I wondered at why there were so many different kinds of links and which one I should use. In time, I realized that any of them would work, just in different ways, so it depended on what information I wanted to show. You have shown this in a way that makes complete sense and makes it seem so easy to boot. Nice work! *Bigsmile*


Suggestions

I just have one small suggestion for you. I have numerous members every week who ask how to link a review. You may consider adding that at the end to show that reviews done on items can be shown easily as well. I do realize, though, that this is about linking 'items', so I can understand if you left it out for that reason. *Smile*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a very effective showing of how to link items, as well as what kinds of item links are available. I will definitely recommend this to anyone I find that is wanting to learn. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
87
87
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for participating!
"Invalid Item" 
You chose the Green Prompt
Situation Prompt *Down*
Write a piece where your character is stuck some place with his or her peculiar, and 'very specific' fear of something or someone."





Prompt Relevance

Wow. You have done an exceptional job using this prompt to create a wonderful read. You included the line count, and it came in within the specified restrictions in the rules. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

Wow. This was an intense read from beginning to end. I found the tone formal and dark, drawing the reader into the depths of the narrators fear. Exceptionally well done. I could feel the clinging terror that the voices produced, and it grew steadily as the poem progressed.

The imagery in this was outstanding! This is the kind of writing that I read and wish I could have come up with. *Wink* Your word choice was excellent, and I loved that you created very natural rhymes that both complemented the rhythm and the content. Very nice.

The rhyming pattern was flawless, as was the syllable count in each line. Your use of enjambment increased the flow and allowed for a very smooth read. Also, the auditory experience of this was wonderful. As I read it out loud, the emotions became more tangible and created a much more intense experience (if that's even possible. *Wink*).


Suggestions

*Bullet*From stygian depths I have sealed from the light
vile thoughts find purchase in the words I write.
Since you have used proper punctuation in this piece, consider a comma after 'light'.


*Star* Overall *Star*

An exceptional dark read. I enjoyed every minute of it. *Smile* Good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
88
88
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"Invalid Item" 
You chose the Blue Prompt
Your item must begin with *Down*
"I never wanted to admit it but~"


Hiya, citruspocket !


Prompt Relevance

You did a great job incorporating the needed beginning phrase in this piece and creating an original piece of flash fiction from it. Nice work! Your word count is within the amount specified and the rules, and it was included at the end of your piece. *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

This was a very interesting read. I think it left me with more questions than it answered, but I think that was kind of the point. The tone you used was personal and casual, allowing it to read almost like a letter or journal entry, and I think it worked really well to show the reader the emotion behind the words. I could feel a deep sense of regret and loss, as well as an undertone of anger at the injustice the narrator experienced.

After reading this short piece, I would love to know more, though. The character you have introduced in this felt very real and vivid, and I think you could do a lot with the basic story you have incorporated. Even if you were to follow this character after this. The loss experienced would be a great back drop for character development. Anyway, that's just a wish on my part. *Wink*

I'm not too sure why you chose the genre 'Pets' though. I read it over a few times, and I just don't see how it's connected to pets. It seemed to me more like fantasy than anything else with the mention of patrols and camping out in caves and trees. *Confused*


Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in punctuation, and I think you did a great job with the sentence flow and voice. *thumsbup*


*Star* Overall *Star*

A great read! It left me wondering about many things, telling me that it would make a great start to a longer work, but it was also complete in and of itself. Nice work! Good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
89
89
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"Invalid Item" 
You chose the Blue Prompt
Your item must begin with *Down*
"I never wanted to admit it but~"





Prompt Relevance

You did a great job following the blue prompt and keeping your story within the allowable word count. Nice work! *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

Oh my, this was a great read! Intense, suspenseful, and it left me with an eerie feeling. Very nice!

The tone in this was well done right from the beginning. I could sense an anticipatory mood even as the narrator set up the scene of the girls arriving at the camp. I could feel that there was something coming to destroy all the normalcy. The first paragraph worked really well to foreshadow the coming events, especially the mention of how she avoided windows at all costs.

The story flowed really well from beginning to end. The transitions were very well done, and I think you did an excellent job with the imagery. I really enjoyed the dark atmosphere as Christina sat down to do as her friends asked.

The girls were shown as individuals that linked into a whole, and I think it worked well to show their connection to each other, as well as make the way they united after their scare believable. Each one of them had their own personality, as shown through the effective dialog. I also noticed that their dialog seemed natural and unforced in anyway.

I loved the ending. It left me with a creepy, eerie feeling—perfect ending for this kind of story. *Thumbsup*


Suggestions

I have some suggestions for you regarding sentence flow, punctuation, and things like that. They are as follows. *Smile*

*Bullet* I avoid windows the most I can--especially at night.
I found that I stumbled on this sentence just a bit and had to reread it to make sense of it. Consider: I avoid windows as much as I can—especially at night. See what you think. For me, it flows a bit smoother.

*Bullet* I was immediately enveloped by its long, thick branches and inviting coolness the moment I got off.
In this sentence, you have indicated two different 'times' for this to have happened. Both 'immediately' and 'the moment I got off' are not needed. Consider choosing just one to increase the effectiveness of the sentence.

*Bullet*Baby said while her eyes were glued to the letters and numbers imprinted on the strange board.
You use the word 'while' quite a bit, and while there's nothing wrong with that, I wanted to show you how it could be eliminated in some areas. In the above sentence, you could eliminate it and replace it with a comma, like so: Baby said, her eyes glued to the letters and numbers imprinted on the strange board. I also took out the word 'were' to increase the flow.

*Bullet*“Please”, Luisa asked,
The comma after 'Please' should be before the end quote mark.

*Bullet*that the Gods only tested the strongest, remember?. So, that's that.” Panela insisted.
The period after the question mark isn't needed. Also, the period after 'that' should be a comma because it's followed by a dialog tag.

*Bullet* It attracted us like magnet; eerie and full of mysterious symbols, scary.
Consider a dash after symbols rather than a comma.

*Bullet*“Panela, don’t cheat!”, Katia said,
There were a few places where you had a comma after the quote marks. Unless there's a difference in other places, the comma is not needed.

*Bullet*“I’m scared”,
In this case, the comma should be before the quote mark.

*Bullet* A lightning crossed the dark sky,...
The 'A' is not needed in this sentence.

*Bullet*Panela said, shacking me violently.
Just a type on 'shacking'. It should be 'shaking'.


*Star* Overall *Star*

A very good read. I found it suspenseful, vivid, and just creepy enough to satisfy the reader without scaring them too much. *Wink* Good luck with the contest, and remember not to make any changes until after the judging is complete. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
90
90
Review of The Artist  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"Invalid Item" 
You chose the Violet Prompt
Your item must include the following words: *Down*
Bomb*Bullet*Jellyfish*Bullet*Sculpture*Bullet*Magenta*Bullet*Artist





Prompt Relevance

For this prompt, you were asked to use specific words and to highlight them in some way. Thank you so much for doing just that! *Smile* I feel this poem follows the entry requirements well. *Thumbsup*


My Thoughts

I love how you used the word prompts to create such a wonderful scene of creation. *Bigsmile* You used active words to create the sense of rushing as he created, and it worked well. I found myself reading faster as the anticipatory mood filled me. Very nice.

I didn't notice a specific meter or rhyme scheme in this, but it certainly didn't need it in order to be smooth as I read through. Your use of proper punctuation really complemented the flow, allowing me to see where the pauses should be before I got to them, and I think it also increased the effectiveness of the mood. *Thumbsup*

I love reciting poetry out loud, and I found that this one really came to life when spoken. The words flowed easily for the most part, and the cadence was consistent.


Suggestions

*Bullet*the creatures now seemed
to have a home.
In order to maintain the present tense, consider: the creatures now seem
to have a home.

*Bullet*It is then that his mind is quieted
and he can now go about his day.
Consider 'quiet' rather than 'quieted'. Also, I wonder if the last line would flow smoother without the word 'now'. It seems a bit repetitious to me. See what you think.


*Star* Overall *Star*

A very enjoyable, compelling read. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of creation. Good luck with the contest! *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
91
91
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Meg !

I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Why Did I Chose This Item To Review?

I was browsing your port, and the description of this piece caught my eye. I enjoy reading Young Adult novels, so I thought I would come on by and check it out! *Smile*


My Thoughts

First things first, I have to say that you have a wonderful ability to weave images in the reader's mind. Your command of figurative language to grant vivid and compelling scenes is nothing short of masterful. The beginning where you described the kind of day was very nicely done to set the scene, and while the imagery was wonderful, you may want to reconsider how long it is. I have been researching a lot when it comes to novels and novellas and having them published, and one thing I have heard a lot from editors is that the first 250 words of the first chapter has to grab them and make them want to keep reading. Due to the soft tone in the first part of this, it may not do that. However, the imagery is very good, so that is something you will have to think about and decide for yourself. I had to say something though, or I would have felt bad. *Wink*

The descriptions of Zephyr, Shannon, and her room were all done very well. I had no trouble imagining the scene as it played out. Also, the dialog between the two of them was very good. It flowed naturally, and I found it believable and expressive. You used actions and facial expressions in place of excessive tags, and it worked nicely to bring the scene to life. *Thumbsup*

Zephyr's character development through her thoughts was great. I started to get a sense of her personality as she reacted to her mother. Her thoughts were believable and realistic.

The plot development went along well. While not a whole lot was revealed, we did learn that Zephyr's mother raised her and her sister by herself and that Zephyr is beginning to wonder about her father. It is just enough to get the reader interested without throwing in too many details too fast. Good work.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*I have one small piece of advice for you regarding the use of -ly ending adverbs. Adverbs have a tendency to tell rather than show, and in my travels I have learned that editors will often discard a manuscript if they find more than 1 every 300 words or so. In this chapter, I counted 76 adverbs. Often, an active verb will work better than an adverb to 'show' what is happening. If you are interested in learning more, check out this link *Right* Adverbs  

*Bullet*who smiled peacefully as she swept sweeping her impeccably tidy house.
Consider removing 'sweeping'. I don't think it's necessary to include both forms of the action.

*Bullet* “I’ve got news for you mom.
Since 'mom' is being used as a direct address, a comma should precede it and it should be capitalized.

*Bullet*Zephyr could see the sadness in mother’s eyes.
Consider adding 'her' in front of 'mother's'.

*Bullet* Shannon swept her hair over her shoulder
Earlier in the chapter, she was described as having her hair in a ponytail, so this shocked me because her hair should have still been up.

*Bullet*felt the unending pressure in her chest suddenly and unexpectedly swelling into a pain swirling in her thoracic cage for a million and no reasons that she could think of.
Consider rephrasing this sentence just a bit. I found that by the time I got to the end of it, I was confused. Perhaps something like: felt the unending pressure in her chest suddenly swell into a pain(,) swirling...


My Favorite Part(s)

Zephyr slowly raised herself on the spread, and although she was doing her best to keep her expression blank, she could feel her already impossibly dark, stormy-gray eyes flashing like a tempest.

Loved the imagery in this section! Very well done to provide a vivid image for the reader. *Smile*

Perhaps if she ignored her long enough, her mother would go away. The swirling patterns on the ceiling were certainly riveting.

This is a great way to advance the characterization of her character without being obvious. The thoughts seem natural for a 14-year-old, as well as entertaining.


*Star*Conclusion*Star*

A very good start on a young adult novel. You did some awesome work introducing the main characters and making the reader care about them in a short time. I look forward to learning more about Zephyr's life. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. If you do not agree with my opinions, feel free to disregard them.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
92
92
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Fivesixer !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Bigsmile*


My Thoughts

This piece is bitter-sweet. As I read through, I could sense what was coming from the wording, and the ending line summed it up very well. It's so sad sometimes when one is in a relationship and can sense that it's ending and is out of their control. Memories of happier times impose on the mind and create a sorrow that can't be easily dispelled.


Tone & Mood

The tone in this piece was soft and personal, allowing the reader to feel the emotions as they swirl throughout the words. The first two lines were very well done. The chill in the air combines with a chilly sigh, working well to foreshadow the end coming. Nicely done.


Emotional Impact

This piece was very emotional because the love once felt was palpable, and there was a sense of regret and sorrow over what the narrator knew was the coming of the end. I think sometimes it's worse to know that something is going to happen, to see those small indications and then be waiting for it.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow

There is no real set rhythm or meter in this, but it definitely doesn't need it. As lyrics, there is a certain amount of leeway in those areas as long as the flow is there and the rhythm is consistent. As I read this out loud, I found a distinct rhythm in my mind to accompany the words, and I found the layout helped a lot with deciphering it as I went. Very nicely done.

The word choices were well done throughout. I especially liked the lines:

I can safely say it was as bad as the best
and greater than the worst of life's memories.

The way they're worded is quite powerful and memorable. The kind of parts that you always remember from a song after hearing it.


Suggestions

I just have one small suggestion. After the line, 'as your chilly sigh when our arms entwined with our bodies,' consider a period rather than a comma. The line following it seems to start a new thought, so I think a full stop would be appropriate. *Smile*


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A vivid and compelling set of lyrics. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and experiencing this piece. Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
93
93
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
"Invalid Item" 

*Star*For the premise of this group's activities, please see: *Star*
"Invalid Item" 

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, warriormom!


Why I Chose To Review This Item:

I am here to review for you because you're my buddy this month! Yay! I'm a little late in getting to your port, and I'm very sorry. I have been here a few times to read, but didn't have the time to review. *Wink*


My Thoughts

Wow. This poem is very emotional, but even more than the pain I can sense behind the words, I found that it was very inspirational and empowering. As a survivor of child abuse, I can understand and sympathize with the negative feelings that come with being abused, and I can also relate to the building of power within oneself that finally breaks the shackles of the prison created by abuse. You did a really good job of laying it all out there in this piece, going through the sense of being manipulated, the pain of the abuse, and of pain of the heart when one realizes that they've been used for the dark needs of someone with no control.

Excellent work showing an unfortunate situation and for showing that one can climb back up after being pushed down. I especially loved the last stanza where you show that the guilt one feels after abuse doesn't have to be accepted by the victim. Far too many people can't get past that part. *Heart*


Conventions

As far as I can tell, this piece has no set meter or rhyming sequence. I have to say, however, that the flow was very smooth, and the words flowed from my tongue easily as I read it aloud. The use of three line stanzas worked very well to allow the time and space to have this piece progress from beginning to end, showing the pain of oppression and the building courage that led to the inspirational ending. Very nicely done.

I really enjoyed the proper punctuation. I feel that it makes a big difference in reader comprehension, taking away the chance for the words to be misconstrued. Also, it shows the pauses in a way that assists a smooth reading.


Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

I have one small suggestion for you:

*Bullet*You manipulated and controlled
and unwitting child,
I think 'and' before 'unwitting' should be 'an'.


My Favorite Part(s)

With cold, indifferent hands,
you wrenched my innocence from me,
leaving scars that would never heal.

This stanza was so powerful for me. I could feel the pain as that innocence was ripped away, as well as the lingering sorrow and ache that just never completely goes away. Your use of active wording here creates a solid impact. Nicely done.

A warrior, I fought with courage
the towering obstacles
You carelessly left for me to conquer.

There is such power in this stanza! Wow. Again, excellent use of active wording to 'show' the reader, to allow them to experience it firsthand. Nice!


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An emotional, compelling, and vivid poem about a pain that is far too real for far too many people. You did a fantastic job of showing the pain as well as how it is possible to rise from the ashes. Excellent work, my dear. *Heart*


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
94
94
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (5.0)


I am reviewing this piece on behalf of "Circle of Sisters" . Thanks so much for entering the Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

Now this is just too awesome! A poem about how to read a poem. I would have never thought of something like this. I loved it from beginning to end. Great work! *Bigsmile*

Strengths

I really enjoyed how you used fonts, spacing, short lines, and questions to get your point across in this piece. For each section, you used visual stimulation to 'show' the reader what you were going for. I read some parts fast and furiously, some parts slowly, like a river meandering through the countryside because of the effective way you presented the piece. Nice work!

Besides the visual effect and the smooth flow from beginning to end, you also packed a whole lot of great content in here to challenge the reader and make them think about how they review poems, as well as what they get out of them as they read. I think it's so very important for the reader to consider the author's intent when writing while they are reading in order to 'get' what the author was going for. Some poems are just fun and leave the reader happy, some contain emotional themes and come complete with a thought provoking message, and I love that you have shown that in this piece through questioning the reader.


My Favorite Parts

I approach with trembling hands,
my heart fluttering,
as I stare down at the page.

This beginning stanza was my favorite because it set the tone and mood so well. It created emotion by allowing the reader to 'feel' right from the beginning. It really enhanced the effect of the rest of the piece, and it also showed the reader that the piece would involve them directly. Nicely done.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have one small suggestion for you.

*Bullet*it’s hidden meanings
The word 'it's' is a contraction of 'it is'. In this sentence, I believe you want 'its' which is the possessive form.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An unorthodox way of teaching some of the finer points of reading and reviewing poetry. I loved it! I will definitely recommend this to others. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
95
95
Review of Vampire Heart  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Invalid Item" 

*Star*For the premise of this group's activities, please see: *Star*
"Invalid Item" 

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, D_Joy !


Why I Chose To Review This Item:

When I heard you had posted something new, I just couldn't wait to come and check it out. I love the way your mind works, and there's just nothing more fun that exploring a dark, seductive piece such as this.


My Thoughts

Wow. You definitely know how to capture your audience. From the first couplet, I was pulled in by the dark tone and undercurrent of longing. I read through the piece without stumbling at all, and I really enjoyed how you managed to show the reader how strong the pull of the vampire felt. The sentence, "I'm not for sale, but I've been bought" showed well how the longing was undeniable, both because of his power and her own desire. Deep and thoughtful. *Thumbsup*


Conventions

This poem was written in rhyming couplets with a consistent 8 syllable line count. I found the rhymes worked very well to increase the smooth flow, as well as complement the content. The dark tone and use of effective wording aided the mood of longing and need, and while I often find this need to be in a sexual context, I felt like the need in this piece more reflected the need to be something other than what she already was... almost as if the change gave a sense of freedom that was unavailable in any other way. It could be that I'm reading more into this than was intended, but in my mind, this piece caused me to sit deep in thought for some time, and I finally decided that the sensual aspect fused with the need for freedom to create a sense of confused need... like the character wasn't sure what she needed, but also couldn't say no. Interesting and compelling.

I noticed that you used enjambment in this, allowing the correct punctuation to direct the reader's speed and rhythm while reading it out loud. I found it very effective. Nicely done.


Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

I have a few small suggestions. These are, however, what I would consider as fine-tuning while editing and didn't impact the effectiveness of my read.

*Bullet* You grasp my throat, I dare not scream,
Since these two are independent clauses that are related to each other, I believe a semicolon would be appropriate in place of the first comma.

*Bullet*“Be still my love, this is a dream”
Since this is meant to show dialog, consider using a period before the ending quote mark.

*Bullet*For consistency sake, consider ending the last two stanzas with periods.


My Favorite Part(s)

I hear your voice, your whispers creep,
In the treetops, and down the street.

I loved this opening stanza the most because it worked so well to set the scene. It granted a sense of dark anticipation and suspense. The imagery worked well to allow me to imagine the sound of his voice, soft and dark, floating on the wind to find her, no matter where she was. Intense and effective.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An intriguing, compelling, and thought provoking piece. I have to admit, I have a weakness for vampires, and I really enjoyed how you portrayed what most consider as a 'vampire's kiss'. I liked how you managed to weave a few layers into such a short, effective piece. Keep up the amazing work. Oh, and didn't I hear that you wrote a short story too? Why didn't I see that posted in your port? (Hint, hint, poke, poke. *Wink*)

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
96
96
Review of I Believe  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Invalid Item" 

*Star*For the premise of this group's activities, please see: *Star*
"Invalid Item" 

Please keep in mind that my opinions, thoughts, and suggestions are meant to encourage and help. If you don't agree, that's just fine. Feel free to use or discard anything as you see fit. Above all, never stop sharing your love of the written word.

Hiya, jaya !


Why I Chose To Review This Item:

This is the second of three reviews you won in "New Year's Bash" . I'm so glad I've had this chance to tour through your port and read your work. I've been thoroughly enjoying myself! *Bigsmile*


My Thoughts

My first thought after finishing this poem was, "Oh, wow!" I'm not kidding either. This piece really struck a cord with me, and I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing it.

Belief is something that so few people think about in this day and age, and even when you question people about what they believe in, they often choose the materialist items that surround them to use as their response. Sometimes I wonder if they even think about what belief really means. To me, belief is a lot like faith. You don't necessarily have to be able to prove something or be able to see it to believe in it, and I find that to be a very powerful thing.

In this piece, you explore your beliefs regarding very deep issues like love, truth, and values. These kinds of things not only surround our daily life, but the way we view them dictates how we, as people, act and react to the people around us and the situations that life presents, both good and bad.


Conventions

As far as I can tell, this piece is written in free-style without any set syllable count or rhyme. I honestly think that is just awesome. I find free-style poetry often expresses the deep emotions better because it allows for the author to use their own voice, lending a very personal tone. The tone pulls the reader in because it allows them a chance at understanding someone other than themselves, and it also allows them to be able to relate to the piece on an emotional level.

Even without a set meter, I found the flow to be very good throughout this piece. The lines flowed very well from one to the next, and I just love how you used enjambment to enhance the flow, allowing the sentences to be punctuated in a way that did the work for me as I read through the first time. Also, the use of alliteration in the third stanza added a sense of unity to the attributes used as well as complementing the flow. Nice work!

I think the thing I liked the best about this piece was how you set it up. Each stanza explains a different thing you believe in and why, ending with your believe of God in the final, two line stanza. Placing the ending in two lines rather than four set it apart just enough to give it that extra potency and impact. Very well done.


Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

There was just a couple things that I wanted to mention. *Smile*

*Bullet*I believe in values
the quintessence of all cultures
I wonder if a comma after 'values' would allow a bit of a pause before the reader moves on to the next sentence. If I was writing this out as a sentence, the comma would be appropriate there, and since the rest is punctuated in this way, I think it would be a great modification.

*Bullet*I also believe in myself
a soul, the replica of the One behind many
I think a comma after 'myself' would also be appropriate and aid in the flow of this section. See what you think.


My Favorite Part

I believe in values
the quintessence of all cultures
that warn me of cold contempt,
complacence and cowardliness.

This stanza wowed me as I read through, and really made me think about how these kinds of emotions and attitudes are something I run into everyday and can often times change my own mood after encountering them. Each one of them are destructive behaviors that each of us need to avoid copying when we encounter them. Thank you for making me realize that.

I, therefore, certainly believe in Him,
the eternal universal Soul.

This was a great final stanza to bring it all together. I love the way you phrased it here, allowing Him to be what He is to each and every person out there without referring to a specific religion.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A thought provoking poem with a great flow. A thoroughly enjoyable read, for sure. I would not hesitate to recommend it to others. *Smile* Keep up the amazing work, my dear!!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
97
97
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, jaya !

This is part of the package you won in "New Year's Bash" . Thank you so much for your generous support! *Bigsmile*


My Personal Reaction

This is a heartwarming story about two women who found each other in a place neither one of them had ever been before. Their friendship blossomed and grew over the time they spent together, survived some trying situations, and continued to grow through each new experience. I found this sweet and endearing.


Strengths

The tone used to convey the story was light and friendly, setting the mood well for the meeting between Aileen and Poorvi. Though meeting each other was chance, the fact that they were to be living in the same apartment building seemed almost like fate. A nice touch to pull them even closer together.

The story moved along realistically with both of them doing different jobs for different kinds of companies, and though their interests varied, they grew closer together as they lived there. The conflict of the uprising was also realistic, and I was glad to see that Poorvi was allowed to go with Aileen when she left.

Both women came across as strong, independent individuals, and it seemed that they were even stronger together. Their speech was believable, allowing their dialog to flow naturally. Nicely done.

The ending was very sweet. It was a nice touch for Aileen's husband to be welcoming and supportive of their friendship. *Smile*


A Few Things to Consider

*Bullet*You use a full space between paragraphs, but not between the paragraphs of dialog. Consider keeping it consistent so that the reader doesn't become confused. Each time a new speaker speaks, it is considered a new paragraph, so a line of spacing would be appropriate.

*Bullet*When Shiraz asked them if they would like to go out, I thought he was asking them out in the sense that they would all go out together, but then the guys left right away. Then, I found myself confused again when they were all of a sudden going out all together. Consider being more specific with their dialog to show that they will be meeting up again later so that the reader doesn't stop reading to figure it out.

*Bullet*I think you could make the ending even more satisfactory by the reader by placing these women in harm's way a bit more. For me, it seemed that the story flowed so seamlessly that there was very little conflict for them. The conflict of the uprising was well timed, but it seemed too easy for them to overcome it. I wonder if instead of hearing of the trouble on TV, maybe they could witness it themselves. It may make for a bit more drama for them to endure, thereby showing their characters to the reader even more. See what you think.*Smile*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I noticed a few things as I went. I have noted them below for you to consider.

*Bullet*Having met at the Muscat International airport in Oman, Aileen and Poorvi, fell to easy camaraderie.
The comma after 'Poorvi' is not needed and seems to interrupt the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*“Of course, back home I get criticized for that, but what the heck,...
This piece of dialogue is a continuation of Aileen's speech from the previous paragraph. Consider moving it up and placing it in the same paragraph so that the reader doesn't think you've switched speakers.

*Bullet*Poorvi couldn’t tell the difference, for Port Blair, was pretty modern in itself.
The comma before 'was' isn't needed.

*Bullet*They spotted two young men with placards flashing their names. When Poorvi and Aileen had walked up to them, they greeted them with...
In this section, the first sentence is active, allowing the reader to experience them seeing the guys, and then the second sentence is passive, telling the reader what happened. Consider rephrasing to allow the second sentence to be active as well. My suggestion would be to write the scene where they introduce themselves so that the reader can see it happen. This also allows you to insert a small description of them so that the reader can 'see' them.

*Bullet*The guard at the entrance, greeted them with a welcoming smile.
No comma here because it is just one independent clause.

*Bullet* A solid wall edged with date palms, ran around the compound.
Same thing here. No comma needed in this sentence.

*Bullet*“There are beaches, malls, masjids and museums, you can choose from.
No comma needed after 'museums'.

*Bullet*A waiter in Arabic clothes, showed them to a table for four, in an open restaurant.
No commas needed in this sentence.

*Bullet*Menu consisted of varieties from Kebabs, Rice to Pizza, Salads and juices.
Consider adding a 'The' before 'menu' to smooth out the sentence. Also, I don't think that the kebabs, rice, pizza, and salads need to be capitalized.

*Bullet*“Oh Poorvi, we’ve just begun and, already begin to end,” Aileen cried out heartbrokenly.
The punctuation in this is a bit off. Also, I'm not sure about the phrasing. I found myself a touch confused the first time I read it. Consider: "Oh, Poorvi! We've just begun, and already it is beginning to end." Aileen cried...

*Bullet*They asked her to be ready to leave Oman, in seventy two hours.
No comma here.

*Bullet*“Why don’t you come with me to Morocco Poorvi?
Consider a comma before 'Poorvi' because it is a direct address.

*Bullet* reflected, Poorvi.
No comma needed here.

*Bullet*“Welcome to Morocco. Poorvi,” said Aileen smiling,
The period before 'Poorvi' should be a comma.

*Bullet*On the next day, Poorvi talked to her parents over phone, assuring them of her safe exit from Muscat.
The wording seems a little forced here. Consider: The next day, Poorvi talked to her parents on the phone, assuring them of her safe exit from Muscat.

*Bullet*“Why don’t you and your husband come to Port Blair for honeymoon?
Consider adding 'your' before 'honeymoon' to smooth the flow.

*Bullet*Aileen thanked them, promising a visit in future.
Consider a 'the' before 'future'.

*Bullet*“Certainly, this is the kind of friendship, which crosses the borders of region and religion I admire, and would gladly be a part of it.
Consider rephrasing this just slightly with alternate punctuation to smooth the flow for the reader. For example: "Certainly. This is the kind of friendship which crosses the borders of region and religion. I admire, and would gladly be a part of it.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable story about a friendship that could have been missed out on if not for small coincidences that brought the two together. That's what I call fate. *Wink* I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
98
98
Review of Son of the Moon  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Leila !

I am happy to read and review "Son of the Moon"  as a part of your package from "Invalid Item" .



My Personal Impression:

I enjoyed reading this story. My husband is native, and this sounded a lot like the tales his father and grandfather tell my children when we visit them. *Smile*

Strengths

I really liked the narrative voice you used to tell this story. The sentences had a clipped feeling to them as though being spoken by a storyteller or elder to the younger people in the family. As I read through, I could almost hear the voice of the narrator as White Buffalo attempted to stop the prophecy from coming true. Nicely done.

The plot line worked well. The prophecy came true even though White Buffalo did his best to prevent it from happening, and the symbolism of eleven animals bestowing their gifts upon him rang true.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. The scene breaks you used worked well to change perspectives within the story, allowing the reader to see the story from each side.

The dialog between White Flower and her son felt natural and worked well within the context of the story. Nice job!


General Suggestions

*Right*There are a few areas that are quite passive in wording throughout this, and I think you could really increase the reader's reaction by making them a bit more active. One thing that causes a sentence to feel passive is the use of words like 'were' and 'was'. These words tend to allow us to tell the reader something is happening rather than showing them. For example:

*Bullet*Son of the Moon was playing in the water, laughing, running, taking in life every single allowed pleasure.
Instead of 'Son of the Moon was playing' you could write 'Son of the Moon played'. This small change in wording allows the reader to see it happen rather than just know that it is happening.

*Bullet*Their bodies cast shadows twice their heights when they were almost in position to attack.
The section 'when they were almost in position' comes across as passive. Consider rewording with a bit more active verbs to show it happening rather than almost happening. For example: Their bodies cast shadows twice their heights as they moved into position to attack.

*Right* If you are no longer restricted by a word count limit, I would suggest showing the fight where White Buffalo and his men take down White Sun in the end of section two. For me, it felt very rushed, and I would have liked to experience how White Sun managed to take down so many of White Buffalo's men. It must have been a very hard battle, and I think it would increase the effect on the reader if they got to experience it a little bit.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Son of the Moon was playing in the water, laughing, running, taking in life every single allowed pleasure.
The wording in the second part of this sentence is just a bit off. Rather than 'taking in life every single allowed pleasure' I would suggest: 'taking in every single allowed pleasure'. Also, consider an 'and' before 'taking' to show that it is the ending item in the list.

*Bullet* "He does have that round mark in his back.
The word 'in' should be 'on' in this sentence. If the mark was 'in' his back, it would not be visible.

*Bullet*The man noticed something and went in their direction.
It took me a minute to get which man this was referring to because the narrative had just been talking about White Buffalo and his men. Consider being a bit more specific. For example: The man turned in their direction as White Buffalo watched on.

*Bullet*The woman and the child ran other way, three of his men should be enough to deal with them.
I got confused here for a moment as well. These sentences are two separate sentences and should be separated by a period or semicolon.

*Bullet*He and other seven warriors went to meet the man.
Consider adding the word 'the' before 'other seven warriors' to improve the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*The shadow were growing even bigger; the man was one of them. White Buffalo noticed a movement with the corner of his eyes, and one warrior were down.
I found the wording here a bit awkward. The word 'shadow' in the first sentence should be plural. Also, the section 'and one warrior were down' is improper grammar because there is only one warrior so 'were' should be 'was'.

*Bullet*Singing like the birds he set up a trap. Now the man was surrounded, four against one.
Consider being more clear with these sentences. At first, I didn't understand that him singing like the birds was a call to the other warriors who created a trap with their own bodies. I thought he was making a trap with his hands, like something someone could step in and get caught in. Consider something like: White Buffalo used bird calls to bring his warriors into formation to surround and trap the man — four against one.

*Bullet*She and her son were not bad at combat, at least they surprised most, because nobody took them seriously. When they noticed their mistake, it was too late.
Consider combining these two sentences to create a smoother flow. When I first read the second sentence, I didn't understand who 'they' were, so I think combining the two would make it more obvious. For a quick example: She and her son surprised most people with their ability to fight because nobody took them seriously until it was too late.

*Bullet*She lost no time. He fell dead.
I think this should be 'She wasted no time'.

*Bullet*Eleven animals were under the full moon, when same stars of the day I came to be were lighting the sky.
The comma here in not necessary.

*Bullet*When she recovered her speech, she said: "Wait,...
Consider using a comma rather than a colon to keep it consistent with the rest of the dialog.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

On the whole, I really enjoyed reading this story. I think the plot line is strong, the characters came across as realistic, and the story elements flowed well. A little bit of work on sentence structure and wording would help to create a smoother flow while reading which would enhance the effect on the reader. If you decide to edit or revise this, please feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back to re-rate it accordingly. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
99
99
Review of Hate  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Hello1 !


I am more than happy to review your work. Please, feel free to disagree with my comments and suggestions if you feel they are out of line. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all. *Wink*

First of all, let me say...

*Candleb*HAPPY 2nd WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


My Personal Reaction

This was an interesting scene that showed well how hate can be created in us when we aren't even sure why we hate, based on events that we may never understand, but ingrained in us in a way that is almost impossible to overcome. I think too often in life we have negative emotions based on others' experiences and beliefs and we end up selling ourselves short because of it. This piece was a great way to demonstrate these facts. Nicely done.


I feel the strengths of this piece are...

The dark, angry tone in the first paragraph set the mood well for the progression of this piece as Carter thought about his hate for the Reinstein family. I felt a mixture of suspense and intrigue as I read along, wondering where his hate stemmed from and whether or not he would get his chance to complete his desired task of killing one of the family members. Good work.

I really liked how this piece showed Carter's thought process, allowing the reader to know that he didn't even really understand why he hated the Reinstein family, but that the hate suffused his being nonetheless. Very powerful emotional impact, for sure.

The dialog flowed well, and though there wasn't much of it, it was used to show the relationship between father and son well. Carter didn't believe in what his father did, but he didn't even think of standing against him. A very telling absence of reaction from a fifteen-year-old boy that shows me he most likely fears his father in some way.

While this piece was quite short, I found it very effective in producing a reaction from me and inspiring some deep thought on the issue of hate. Very nicely done.


Things I feel could be improved

*Right*When using a dialog tag (a sentence which tells 'how' something was said or by whom) before or after a piece of dialog, a comma should be used to separate it from the dialog rather than a period. Here is a quick example to show you what I mean:

*Bullet*"Hi." he said in a muffled voice.
In this sentence, the period after 'Hi' should be a comma to show that the tag is in regards to the dialog.

*Bullet*"You won't be able to kill a Reinstein if you go out on your own plans." His father said. "The spirits will tell us when to make the attack."
In this one, the first piece of dialog should end with a comma and the following 'his father said' doesn't need to be capitalized. The period after 'said' and the capitalization of the second sentence is appropriate.

*Right* The hate that was coming through him put a bad taste in his mouth.
The phrasing here, 'that was coming through him', is a bit vague. I think you could really up the level of intensity in this sentence by using more direct, active wording. Consider something like: Hate surged through his veins, encompassing his entire being and leaving a bad taste in his mouth. In my opinion, it is more direct and gives the reader a clearer idea of how it felt to him. See what you think.

*Right*He was able to quickly get the gun out of Lipson's eyesight.
Again, I think you could increase the effect this sentence has on the reader by being more specific. Show the reader what he does to get the gun out of sight. Does he shove it into the back of his pants, or just pull it behind his back?


Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling

*Bullet*Maybe tonight, he could stop this whole thing.
The comma here is not needed and stunts the flow of the sentence a bit. Consider removing it to improve the flow.

*Bullet*"Hello Carter."
Consider a comma before 'Carter' because it is being used as a direct address.

*Bullet*for a 15 year old to be out.
Consider hyphenating '15-year-old'.

*Bullet*What never made sense, is that the whole issue was over something that happened to a Reinstein.
The word 'is' should be 'was' to maintain the past tense. Also, the comma is not needed here.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this, and I'm glad I did. I found myself sitting and thinking about hate is created after reading this, and I just love anything that can make me think. *Wink* I think you could increase the effect with a bit of editing and more active wording, but all in all, I think you have done very well with this. Keep up the great work!

*Witchhat* This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch! *Witchhat*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
100
100
Review of Room 315  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


I am more than happy to review your work. Please, feel free to disagree with my comments and suggestions if you feel they are out of line. It doesn't hurt my feelings at all. *Wink*



My Personal Reaction

A very clever story! I found your port when I was looking for members with anniversaries, and the description of this story caught my eye. When I saw how short it was, I just had to see how you could manage to even tell a story that fast, let alone throw in a twist of how the manager could be the only one who knew what happened in room 315. I have to say, you not only told the story effectively in very few words, you surprised me with the twist. Nice work!


I feel the strengths of this piece are...

The first sentence was shocking and initiated the dark tone well. It pulled me in immediately by interesting me in what was to come. Good work! You chose your words carefully throughout, and the use of active language and shorter sentences really enhanced the impact of the words as I progressed through the story by granting concrete images and emotions.

The character development of the character was extremely well done in this. I found small details such as how the tarp was 'perfectly' folded and his suit was 'neatly' folded both showed that he was a compulsive person, and the narrative gave away great details such as how he felt when he killed, how it made the anger go away. Both of these traits make the fact that he murdered a woman that much more believable and creepy. *Thumbsup*


Things I feel could be improved

*Bullet*To him it was orgasmic.
This sentence was one of the few that I found that I felt were a bit passive. I think this would be a lot more effective if it was provided as an internal thought directly from the character. All you need to do is place it in italics for it to be seen as an internal thought and change it up just a bit. For example: He licked his bottom lip. Orgasmic. See what you think.

*Bullet* that he had let folded perfectly in the corner...
I think 'let' was meant to be 'left'.

*Bullet*Once dressed in his dark navy suit he gazed at himself in the mirror.
Consider a comma after 'suit' to show the introductory phrase.

I have one quick question: if he is the only one that knows of his murders, does he take care of the blood that dripped through to the room beneath? I was left wondering about this, so I thought I would mention it. *Wink*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very good short read with a nice twist on the end. Keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*

*Witchhat* This review helps me recruit a creature to bring damage against the Green Witch! *Witchhat*

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