Hiya!
This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing!
My first reaction to this piece was, 'Wow'. The story told within this was emotionally wrenching, not to mention a huge eye opener for the reader.
The narrative tone was consistent and clear, creating a near effortless connection between Tommy and the reader. Right in the beginning my heart broke for him that he would have to hide under the porch in order to play. The descriptions in this were very well done. I had a clear visual of everything that happened to the child, as well as the areas in which he was. The scene in the house with his mother was intense and realistic for someone going through this kind of abuse. His reaction to cover his head was vivid and showed some of the emotion he tried so hard to keep hidden. I swear I could hear him begging her to stop. Very well done.
I also wanted to say that I really liked the way you showed the accents of the speakers. The purposeful misspelling of certain words worked nicely to show that they were speaking in a sort of drawl. Very nice.
As the story progressed, I was kept in suspense as to what was going to happen. As he went through the motions of the ride to town, buying the groceries, and then walking home my curiosity spiked. Oh, I should also mention here that all that was well written. Even though it felt like not a lot was happening to further the story, it was intense and compelling. In the beginning of this story I thought the main focus would be the abuse he went through at home, but when Tater wasn't yelling at him the second time around, I realized, a split second before he did, that something was wrong.
The section where he was dreaming was very intense. I could feel his desperation clearly. I was pleasantly surprised when Mr. Gibson was there to save him, and even more surprised at his revelation.
The last sentence was clever and very telling of the effect the encounter had on Tommy.
Suggestions
Tommy Thornsberry leaned back and smiled. His young face partially illuminated by the morning light sliding through the cracks of the porch boards over head.
Consider using a semicolon here rather than a period since the second sentence is reliant on the first. I think a period is too much of a stop to show the reader that they reflect information about the same emotion.
"Tommy!", she yelled, "Have you got my wash water yet?".
There is double punctuation in this sentence. The comma after the quotation mark is not needed before 'she yelled' and the period at the end is also not needed. The ending punctuation within the quotation marks is enough for closure.
"G'morning Momma, I didn't know you were up yet." he said out of breath, "This is the last...
The period after 'yet' should be a comma because it is followed by the direct tag 'she said'. Also, I think a comma after 'said' would be good in order to seperate 'out of breath' enough to show that he said it while he was out of breath. You could also consider 'panted' or 'huffed' rather than said in order to 'show' his reaction to the reader. That, though, is something many readers do not agree on, so it's completely up to you.
Her face twisted with rage she whispered harshly,...
Consider placing a comma after 'rage'. I think it works as an introductory phrase.
"Yes Momma",
The comma just needs to be inside the quotation mark.
Come here and give Momma a big hug and then you and little Pete go on back to bed, Ok?
This section of dialogue is missing the end quotation mark. Also, the whole paragraph is seperated from 'Sally softened' but it could easily be a part of the same paragraph.
"Yes Momma. I'll hurry right back.", Tommy said...
The period before the quotation mark isn't needed, and the comma should be in its place.
Though he had mopped up the water he stopped to make...
I think a comma after 'water' would be appropriate.
and worn-out dirty-white deck tennis shoes, no socks.
I think a comma after 'worn-out' would be appropriate because 'worn-out' and 'dirty-white' are both adjectives to describe the same thing. Also, consider using a dash before 'no socks' rather than a comma. I suggest this in order to show the reader it is not a part of the list, but rather, an exception.
It was a clear beautiful spring morning...
I think a comma after 'clear' and again after 'beautiful' because they are both adjectives describing the morning.
Tommy, grabbed the door handle, stepped on the running board and jumped...
The comma after 'Tommy' isn't needed. It seems to throw off the flow of the sentence.
There are a few places where 'Peanut' is used as a name for Tommy by the truck driver. There should be a comma before it any time that it is used as a direct address.
...gave his full head of dark brown hair a short toss to the left clearing it from his vision.
Consider placing a comma after 'left'.
Someone had nick-named him 'Tater', because he was often seen...
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'Tater' because the word 'because' is a subordinate conjunction.
He stopped the truck right beside of the corner and Tommy hopped out and turned to slam the door.
This sentence is a bit off for flow. Consider the following, 'He stopped the truck at the corner. Tommy hopped out and turned to slam the door.'
"Thanks for the ride Tater"
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark.
This morning was no different with one exception.
I don't know, this is a pretty big contradiction. Consider something like this, 'This morning was the same, with one exception.' I know it says almost the same thing, but one exception indicates a difference.
It taste like lead and mud.
I think 'taste' should be 'tasted'.
...afraid to breath for the worst had yet to happen.
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.
"That's my boooooooy!",
No comma is needed here.
In Conclusion
The technical suggestions above are the only thing that kept this from a 5 star rating. This story really deserves it, so please let me know if you decide to edit. I would love to re-evaluate it accordingly.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, though the content itself was far from happy. It was intense, compelling, realistic, and far too believable. I was left feeling emotionally raw, as well as heart broken for this boy, and so many others who suffer the same sort of fate. I look forward to reading more of your work, you are an exceptional ability to involve the reader. Well done.
Happy Writing!
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