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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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226
226
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sssssh! I'm not really here. !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an immensely entertaining story. The narrative tone captured Lou's personality very well, and the sentence structure followed his pattern of speech perfectly. The piece as a whole was set into the time period nicely, producing a vivid image for the reader. I feel like I got the chance to understand Lou a bit through his internal thoughts and reaction to Gloria. He came across as gruff, but caring - always a great combination for a lead character.

The first section captured my interest right away by introducing the conflict early. I don't think I could have quit reading if I had to after hearing Gloria say Vinny would kill her if he found her. Great hook to pull the reader in.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. I found the action scenes well explained and detailed, allowing for me to see the scene as it unfolded in my minds eye. The descriptions of the characters were just enough to give the reader an image without going into so much detail that it slowed the progression of the story line. I found their actions realistic and believable. Also, the pace of the story remained constant right to the end. Well done.

I have a couple of technical suggestions, they are as follows. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet* Hi, I am Lou Ryan I am a small time private investigator...
I think there should be some punctuation after 'Lou Ryan' to produce a smoother flow. Or, you could consider something like, Hi, I am Lou Ryan, a small time private...

*Bullet*She said it was too early for their date, when she arrived so she decided to take a little stroll around the area.
The comma here is not needed because 'when' is a subordinating conjunction.

*Bullet* He had been on trial for various money laundering, and gambling offenses.
I don't think you need the comma before 'and' because this is not a compound sentence and the subject remains the same.

*Bullet*I didn't want to disturb the dame she looked so peaceful, but this is some serious business about to come down.
I think there is a bit of tense confusion here. The words 'this is' indicates present tense, rather than the past tense used in the story.

*Bullet*This is not a good sign.
Same thing here. I think 'Not a good sign' would suffice without the 'This is'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I loved reading this piece. It was well written, the narrative tone and sentence structure were reflective of Lou's personality, and there didn't seem to be a dull moment throughout the entire piece. It kept me reading from beginning to end. Well done. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
227
227
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was a very thought provoking piece. After finishing it the first time, I found myself sitting and thinking for quite some time on how life can be strange sometimes. This was one of those 'small world' encounters, where you are left nearly speechless by the shock of the situation.

I enjoyed how you placed her grandfather's advice at the end. It wrapped up the encounter, showing well how it had affected her. Very nice.

Janet's personality was developed for such a short piece. Her thoughts spoke of a desire for advancement within her workplace, and to be out in the dark alone was very showing of her inner strength. She was so determined to become something that she was willing to take the risk of placing herself into a potentially dangerous situation.

I was a bit surprised when they recognized each other. The way he was blocking her built up some tension, and I found my mind instantly assumed there would be trouble. I enjoyed the twist.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion is to describe the smells without referring to 'smell' or 'scent'. I find it creates a more vivid experience if the 'telling' words are left out.

I found no errors in punctuation, spelling, or grammar. *Thumbsup*

Overall

I really enjoyed this piece. It was very well written, the narrative tone was compelling and intense, Janet's character was realistic, and to top it off, it provoked some deep thought. Well done. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
228
228
Review of Picture Perfect  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, very thankful !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I really like the premise of this story. Jessica, a vampire, is in an abusive marriage. At first, I wondered why she would stay and put up with someone who was abusive, but later the reason is revealed, and it definitely explained the situation. It was set up as a twist, and I very much enjoyed the surprise.

The narrative came from Jessica's perspective. Through her thoughts the reader is introduced to how her husband treats her, and through her actions we find she is a vampire. I found it interesting that she was upset by killing Bobby, it showed that she is not just a blood hungry vampire, but that she has strong morals. If I had to guess, I would say she was raised as a human, or at least, without being taught the desire to kill.

There was a bit of a tendency to tell rather than show in this piece. Sentences which contain words such as 'was', 'had', etc. create a passive presence within the piece and make it hard for the writer to 'show' something as it happens. Consider strengthening the sentences with strong verbs to eliminate the passive voice. I believe it would take this story to the next level of intensity for the reader. Consider describing the aura around the baby a bit more. I think that could be an amazing visual for the reader.

The story line progressed well from beginning to end. I enjoyed the surprises in this piece, though I would have liked to get to know Neil better, perhaps even through a vivid memory or something easy to incorporate. When she awoke to find a baby in her home and Neil demanding she sign adoption papers I was shocked. However, I didn't find his revelation of knowing what she was to be very convincing. It seems to me that he would have become physical right away to ensure her cooperation, especially when revealing something that could cause her to have an outburst. I don't know, it could be I just didn't get to know him well enough for his behavior to seem realistic.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.


Suggestions

*Bullet*She crept into her bedroom where her husband, Neil, had passed out from drinking part...
In the paragraph preceding this, you mention 'her husband'. In this sentence it felt repetitive. Consider eliminating it since the reader already knows she is thinking about her husband.

*Bullet*She glanced at the old man with a long white hair and beard.
I think the 'a' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet*She could feel fear gripping his body as his vocal chords were silenced as if her mouth were a steel trap that had fastened down on his body.
The word 'as' used twice so close together threw me off as I was reading this part. Consider rewording slightly. For example, 'She could feel fear gripping him as his vocal chords were silenced. Her mouth became a steel trap, fastening down on his body.'

*Bullet*She took out five one hundred-dollar bills out of her pocket.
Consider cutting the first 'out'. It seems to break up the sentence.

*Bullet*...she drifted through the crack and turned back into her herself.
I think the word 'her' is an extra in this sentence.

*Bullet*Something's different about her. she has the aura of a witch.
The 'she' beginning the second sentence needs to be capitalized.

*Bullet*She fell to the floor with a hard, loud thud and dumbfounded for fifteen seconds before feeling any pain.
Consider giving the second part 'dumbfounded...' its own sentence to smooth out the flow.

*Bullet*Neil can never know your your powers."
There is an extra 'your' in this sentence.

*Bullet*We can't be you're picture-perfect family.
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*she wheeled Eve outside,...
This is the beginning of a sentence, so it should be capitalized.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this. The story line caught my interest right away and held it to the end. Once again, I was impressed by how you always seem to be able to tie these stories to Deacon, Mississippi. There will soon be quite an assortment of people there. *Smile*I look forward to reading more!

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
229
229
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Rose Praying for Peace !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, the poor fudge! *Bigsmile* This was an enjoyable read. The narrative tone was very effective in establishing the personality of the main character. Her thoughts and reactions to her daughter added humor and a warm, family sentiment to their time before they reached the house.

Her emotional state was apparent in her reactions and speech as the situation progressed after arriving home. I found the situation easy to relate to. With seven children, a large gathering to prepare for, and then the commotion of a strange box on the porch, I wasn't surprised to see her stumbling her words and becoming anxious. I'm sure I would have been in a far worse state by then! *Wink* It was realistic and believable.

This story was told in an active voice, and I think it enhanced my reaction to it since I felt like I could really feel the mother's emotional reactions. Well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*"Stop, you can't go anywhere near the home until the Unit gives the all clear, Stop Ma'am!"
I think the comma after 'clear' should be a period. Also, because they are addressing her directly, I believe there should be a comma before 'Ma'am'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a nicely written chain of events. I found the story line realistic and believable, and the characters easy to relate to. A very enjoyable story, thank you for sharing it! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
230
230
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Happy Spring !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a touching story. What a dream to have, though, for sure! The narrative tone was great. It reflected the woman's thoughts and feelings very well, allowing the reader to feel like a part of the story. I really enjoyed how this played out. As a mother, I felt so thankful for the character that the girls decided to offer to do the Thanksgiving dinner. What better way to show your mom how much she means to you, and to show appreciation for all the years she did all the work!

I have a couple technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*My husband was still sleeping and I quietly went into the kitchen and poured some coffee.
I think there should be a comma before 'and' because it is being used to join two independent clauses.

*Bullet*But Won't it be a bit much for you though,
The word 'won't' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, the use of 'but' and 'though' together seems a bit too much. Consider starting the sentence with 'Won't'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable read. The story flowed well and was a great showing of how our children can do something as simple as offering to cook dinner and somehow make up for all the years of missing thank you's. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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231
231
Review of The Only One  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very good read. In the beginning you state this is something you would like to develop, and I really think you should. It definitely feels like the beginning of a novel. When I reached the end of what there was here, I was disappointed. That is a very good sign. *Smile*

The beginning of the character development was very well done here. There is a lot of story regarding their lives before this encounter, as well as how they will manage to find the other shifters and save them from themselves. I have always been intrigued with shifters, and this piece has definitely captured my interest. There are several areas with room for development, for sure.

The attraction between Dylan and Jayden was very well done. There were many levels of emotional connection between them. The sensuality was a soft showing of the physical attraction between them, but beyond that there was a connection between two people who had never known another that could understand them. Jayden received comfort from Dylan, a comfort which is apparent she hadn't experienced before. A whole lot worth exploring, in my opinion.

I really enjoyed the physical descriptions of these two, both in human and animal form. I had no problem creating a visual of them in my mind. Also, the action as they fought in animal form was intense and vivid. Well done.

Suggestions

The only thing that detracted from the smoothness of this piece was the comma usage. I didn't keep track of each instance because I'm sure you will be able to pick them out yourself. If you want me to go through and jot them down, let me know, I would be more than willing to.

For the most part, I noticed commas being used in front of 'as' when it is being used as a subordinate conjunction when it wasn't necessary and seemed to disrupt the flow. I think I have touched on that in previous reviews for you, though, so I won't bore you with the details.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Congratulations on your placing in Spectacular Speculations. I am not surprised as I found this to be an incredible read. I do hope you expand on this, and if you do, please let me know. I would be interested in reading it, for sure. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
232
232
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya,Prosperous Snow celebrating !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


When I saw this was about a ninth daughter, I couldn't resist taking a peak. It is a superstition I find very interesting. *Smile* Ah, I wasn't at all disappointed. This was a fun read. Just the fact that someone who is, in fact, a superstition based on being the ninth daughter who isn't superstitious was a great spin on this piece. I found the narrative voice clear, crisp, and full of personality. I could hear the voice in my head clearly. The sentence structure supported the mood very well.

The story of how she learned to leave superstition behind was great. The poor kid who had to go through the broken bones, but an effective lesson, none-the-less. *Wink*

I found a couple of minor typos, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...from the moment I accepted to omen as being true,...
I think the word 'to' was meant to be 'the'.

*Bullet*The very last line has a repetition of the phrase 'so I can go back to work'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very good read. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Thank you for sharing this entertaining piece. I look forward to reading more of your work, for sure. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
233
233
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, George R. Lasher !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


With pieces this length, especially books, I usually comment as I go. However, I got caught up in this story and didn't realize I was passing from section to section until I hit the end. So, my comments will be on the whole.

The narrative tone in these chapters was clear and intense. I read along with ease, and found myself involved in the story quickly. The sentence structure worked well to set a suspenseful mood through most of the story. I really enjoyed Damien's personality. He wasn't like one would expect a rock star to be, really. Oh, he had the air of importance that comes with fame, but he was down to earth enough to listen to his friends and at least consider what they were saying.

The dialogue between the characters was very good. Each person spoke with their own 'voice', showing the differences in personality and making it easy to distinguish between speakers without needing a whole lot of tags. Very nice.

The story flowed really well. Each section left off with a bit of a hook to pull the reader on. It worked very well, as I can attest to, since I didn't notice I was passing through without commenting. *Blush* Going back through it a second time, though, I can see how you added a bit of suspense at the end of each section to keep it going.

There were quite a few different characters in this, but I didn't find myself confused at all. Each new character was introduced well, and I had no problem at all giving each of them a distinct physical appearance in my mind. The descriptions of the areas they passed through were good as well. The scene at the end when he almost hit the cyclist was vivid, and his response to the situation told me that The Book has had an effect on him.

So far, the basis of The Book, and the information that goes with it seems very realistic and believable. It seems eerie just how easy it would be for there to be such a thing that would be able to maintain the balance between good and evil. Creepy, but possible.

I found a few spots for which I have technical suggestions. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*and an expression that begged, Leave me alone
Just missing a period on the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*rubbing his hands together in anticipation like a kid on Christmas morning with one big present under the tree.
Consider placing a comma after 'anticipation' to increase the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*Francois stared at the succession of zeroes following the number, one, and sputtered,
I'm not completely sure on this, but I don't think you need the commas surrounding the word 'one'. At first, it confused me as to what the sentence was actually saying.

*Bullet*Three out of each hundred would mean thirty out each thousand...
There is a missing 'of' after the second 'out'.

*Bullet*...in Damien's red and black Bugatti Veyron, Delaflote insistented,...
I believe 'insistented' should be 'insisted'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this. The characters were realistic, the story line was compelling, and the narrative tone carried me through easily. I look forward to reading more of this book. You have me hooked. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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234
234
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya Alexia Wynd !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was soft and flowing, with an eerie undertone. I could feel that something was coming for the boys, though what didn't become apparent until later on. The woman was well described. I found I could see her easily in my mind. So petite, yet so very powerful. The mood was set very well through the use of sentence structure and suspenseful actions. The way Nicoli turned back and forth was a great way to introduce her arrival. It surprises the reader, which is always a good thing in this genre.

The dialogue between the boys felt natural and believable. The only thing I felt you could have expanded on a bit was the descriptions of their expressions as they moved through the forest. There were a few times when they stopped and looked at each other, waiting to hear something, and I think it would have been a bit more suspenseful if the reader could see whether they were scared or not.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*He turned his head to the side. The others stopped after a few more steps and turned to Peter.
The use of 'turned' in both of these sentences felt just a bit repetitive. Consider using a different way to describe it the second time.

*Bullet*He gave Peter's shoulder a shove to set him moving. And they set off again.
Consider putting these two sentences together rather than starting the second with a conjunction.

*Bullet*His breath caught up in his throat.
I think 'up' is an extra word in this sentence.

*Bullet*A lean, porcelain skinned woman from within stood close to him.
I'm not sure what 'from within' is referring to.

*Bullet*The warmth of her lithe body pressed against his own and he could feel her skin beneath the thin silk of her gossamer dress.
Consider a comma before 'and' because it is being used as a coordinating conjunction to connect two independent clauses.

*Bullet*Nicoli couldn't breath,
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was a good flash into the lives of four boys who tempt fate by heading into a forest rumored to be haunted. I was very intrigued by the woman. She seemed to hold herself with such a sense of greatness, as though she had seen much in life. Have you considered delving into her character for a longer piece? By the sounds of her life span, there would be so much to explore. Just a thought. Anyway, I should quit rambling on. I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
235
235
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Rose Praying for Peace !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The page representing The Heavenly Roses is absolutely beautiful. As soon as the page opened I could feel a sense of calm, and as I read it only became more apparent to me. The tone in the writing that explains the group and what the group does was very gentle and loving. It definitely coincides with the mission of the group.

I can't think of better things to stand for than Imparting Wisdom, Supporting Faith, and Sharing Love. If more people in the world would slow down and do even one of these things, it would be a far nicer place.

I really like how you have the page set up. It was a joy to read through, and I found it very inspiring how you have highlighted so many people on WDC as Friends of the Roses and given them and their groups a place on the page. I find it to be such an awesome, giving thing to do. This page is a great reflection of the message you are sending, and of this fine group.

Happy Holidays and Happy Writing!

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236
236
Review of Absolutely  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to say, I really enjoyed reading this story! So great how Sarah Jane faced Melinda down. I just loved how Melinda was left to splutter. Precious.

The narrative tone in this was reflective of Sarah Jane's personality. It showed well how she hated confrontation, how she was a side-lines kind of person. The fact that she dug deep and faced Melinda down for Kyle was awesome. I found the narrative leading up to it was great. It allowed the change to seem realistic for her. She was nervous, but she still did it.

The beginning section in italics was a great way to introduce the conflict. It allowed the reader to see it from an inside perspective, to see how ridiculous these girl were being.

I have a couple of technical suggestions. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*The entire cafeteria fell silent, as Melinda glared down her nose at Sarah Jane,
No comma needed before 'as' because it is a subordinate conjunction.

*Bullet*Anger boiled inside Sarah Jane’s stomach, at Melinda’s last words.
I don't think this comma is needed. It seemed to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*...and laughed until they couldn’t breath.
The word 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed this piece. The narrative was active and pulled me into the story without ease. The character of Sarah Jane was realistic, and the situation played out in a believable fashion. Well done!

Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
237
237
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was very interesting for me. I review almost exactly the same as you do, but instead of adding points for certain strengths, I deduct points when I notice something that detracts from the read. I found the explanation of how you review very easy to read and understand. Your explanations were concise and reasonable.

The tone of voice you used in this created a friendly atmosphere. I liked that you said you would be willing to re-rate according to edits. This gives the writer a chance to learn and grow. You use strict guidelines and that is good. Giving a 5 star rating should be a rare thing, and used only when a reviewer really doesn't have any suggestions. You make this clear without having to say it outright. Well done.

Reading this has shown me how useful having this type of explanation in your port can be for the writer who has been reviewed. It allows them a chance to see why they received the rating they did. I believe this would increase the effect the suggestions have on them. I may have to get my act together and provide something like this in my port as well. Thank you for sharing this!

Happy Writing and Reviewing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
238
238
Review of Growing Up  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, very thankful !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was clear and easy to follow. I found it reflected Julie's personality and age well. Her emotional reactions were in keeping with her age, as was the majority of her dialogue. Julie's internal thoughts were used actively in this piece to provide character descriptions, as well as other exposition, without needing any info dumps to tell the reader what was going on. Nicely done.

The use of active verbs gave the narrative a very active feel to it. You made good use of the 'showing' techniques in this story, creating an active, compelling read. Well done.

The progression of the story was smooth, and I found the timeline worked nicely. Each scene served a purpose to further the story. Well done!

Also, the dialogue between the characters felt realistic and flowed naturally. I could hear their individual voices, which made it easy to tell the difference without the need for excessive dialogue tags.

I had to smile at the end. All the way through I was wondering how Deacon, Mississippi would tie into this. Good job on the surprise.

I have some technical suggestions, they are as follows. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*They look like green zits yuck!"
Consider a comma or a period after 'zits' to separate 'yuck' from the main sentence a bit.

*Bullet*Julie side stepped the gum a huge ball of gum.
I think 'the gum' is extra in this sentence.

*Bullet*Julie swung a little higher in the swing.
I think saying 'in the swing' right after 'Julie swung' is redundant since the reader will already think it is on a swing.

*Bullet*I hate coming in this dull concrete room everyday looking at these posters of dead authors.
I believe a comma after 'everyday' would be appropriate to separate the two actions.

*Bullet*{i]I feel totally sick. I wonder why. Taking a quiz has never done this to me before.
Just showing you that the italics didn't work on this thought.

*Bullet*She ran past the other students almost knocking them down.
Consider using a comma after 'students' to improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*The door creaks, and she snatched her bag, and then ran into the middle stall.
The word 'creaks' is present tense. Consider changing it to past in order to fit with the rest of the piece. Also, consider eliminating one 'and' to reduce repetition.

*Bullet*Julie crept out of the stall and ran out of the bathroom.
Using 'out' twice in this sentence feels repetitious to me. Consider 'ran from the bathroom'.

*Bullet* I really need a training bra, maybe even a one a little bigger.
I think there is an extra 'a' in this sentence.

*Bullet*A tall black haired woman walked in the room.
I think a comma after 'tall' would be good since 'tall' and 'black haired' are equal adjectives used to describe the 'woman'.

*Bullet*"No, nobody knows about stuff like this, not even scientist."
I think 'scientist' should either be plural, or 'a' should come before it.

*Bullet*This drive seems to be the longest ever.
This is one of Julie's thoughts. It seems quite formal to be coming from a twelve-year-old. Consider, 'This is the longest drive ever'.

*Bullet*Julie ambled behind her mother as they went into their house.
This sentence is the last of three, all of which use 'mother' to refer to her mom. By the third sentence, it felt rather repetitive.

*Bullet*Your father and I had to leave there before you were born, because the Wongtonglocks were trying...
A comma is not needed before 'because' because it is a subordinate conjunction.

*Bullet*How do you know I can adapt to another planet.
This is a direct question, so it requires a question mark.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. The characters were believable, the story line progressed nicely, and the narrative was active. All of this created a compelling and satisfying read. Thank you for sharing this! *Smile* I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

Happy Writing!

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239
Review of Bluetooth Blues  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷 !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was reflective of Christopher's personality. I found it smooth and easy to read through. The language usage was realistic for his age and education level. I think that is very important when writing any genre, but especially for younger people because they lose interest so quickly if they don't understand it.

Christopher's character was fleshed out very well through his internal thoughts, reactions, and dialogue. His personality remained constant through the entirety, creating a well rounded image of him in my mind. I can honestly say I felt as though I got to know him well.

Great work on Roxanne's voice. She came through as a materialistic girl all the way around. The way she spoke to him and the way she acted were both constant in showing her character. Well done.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. The sequence of events moved in a continual time line, each situation using enough time for the reader to understand, while keeping it interesting. To be honest, I didn't realize I was at the end until there was no more to read. That tells me you did a great job with involving me in the story.

I enjoyed Lydia's attitude. She was a breath of fresh air after having to listen to Roxanne. I was shaking my head at the end thinking he really was a bit slow not to have caught on. It was realistic for a boy his age, well, for most men too. *Wink*

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is to add a comma before a name when using it as a direct address. For example,

"Hi, Christopher."

Otherwise, I found no errors in punctuation, grammar, or spelling. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great story. The narrative was active and involved me right from the start. The characters were believable, and each of them had a distinctive voice. The dialogue flowed well, as did the plot line. The ending left me smiling. Great work! I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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240
240
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Wow, what an inspiring story you have. The tone you used in this was upbeat and understanding right from the beginning. The way you described the people your parent's helped with oxygen therapy was with love and respect, and I really enjoyed that. When I was younger, my grandparent's operated a home called 'Whispering Hope' that cared for individuals who were handicapped that could not care for themselves. I remember one woman, Shannon, she was so full of life inside and loved everyone, though she could never express it with anything more than a smile. She is 53 now, living in a different home, but she showed me that people who are disabled through birth defects, injury, and illness are no different than healthy people at heart, and deserve the same love and respect as everyone else. The first part of this piece captures that perfectly. In showing the reader the courage of these people, you have also challenged the reader to see beyond our societies preconceived notions of these illnesses. Well done.

The story of your illness touched my heart. To spend so much time feeling like you are not living at all was an eye opener for me. Some days I sit here and feel that life is so hard, but you have shown me that what I call hard, another could relish as an opportunity to live. Your recovery is so wonderful, and though it is not complete, it is definitely something to be proud of. I like your idea to enjoy each day as you have it - if only more people could think that way, and actually mean it.

Suggestions

*Bullet*On the other side of the wall from my bedroom, was a large blue metal chamber that looked a lot like a submarine.
I don't think you need a comma before 'was'. It seems to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*The little blind boy reached out and grabbed the string of a balloon, at the celebration of his last treatment.
No comma before 'at'.

*Bullet*Giving up on their children was not and would never be an option.
Consider surrounding 'and would never be' with commas to separate it from the main sentence. It also gives it more impact, I think.

*Bullet*remission than relapse,
The word 'than' should be 'then'.

*Bullet* I was suddenly, confronted with a possible solution to my illness.
You do not need a comma after 'suddenly' because it flows with the sentence rather than modifying the entirety.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an amazing read. I am so glad I clicked on it. It was inspirational, emotional, thought provoking, and well written. I know that anyone who reads this will be touched by it, whether emotionally, or intellectually, or both. I know I was. Thank you so much for sharing this with our community. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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241
241
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann - House Martell !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Oh my, now that was just way too much fun! When I saw this in your port I just had to stop in and try my hand at finding a word for the next letter. Just my luck, I got stuck with the letter 'Q'. I could hear you in my mind, "No words from your second grade spelling list." Thank goodness I remembered one from seventh grade! *Laugh*

This was a great idea for a fun community activity. I think it would be a great activity for a writer when they are feeling 'blocked', so to speak. Exercise for the mind can never go wrong, can it?

The page is set up in a clear, easy to understand way. The instructions are simple and to the point, and best of all, the image gives it a very homey, comfortable atmosphere.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions! *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved completing this activity. I have added it to my favorites for when I need a breather to stimulate my words. Thank you for offering this game to everyone. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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242
242
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was clear and compelling. The mood came across as melancholy right from the beginning as the woman remembers times from the past, both good and bad, but all filled with lost magic. It is clear through the tone that she feels deep regret, but it doesn't come clear until the end just why. The fact that she suffered great injury during the accident and has suffered for years seems to be less than what she feels she deserves. A very deep seeded depression, for sure.

The story flows well from beginning to end. I found the ending was done in such a way that I was surprised by what had happened between her and her husband just seconds before the crash.

The time spent recollecting in the beginning was done well. The only suggestion I have is to reduce the amount you use passive sentences. I think it would deliver more impact if some active verbs were used. Rather than just telling the reader the way something was, show it. For example,

You wrote:

Once upon a time that sad wasted tree was pregnant with Red Delicious apples and the fragrance was heavenly.

Here you have told the reader the tree was ripe with apples, and that it smelled good, but consider describing the taste. Saying it was heavenly doesn't 'show' the reader what it tasted like, only that the narrator thought it was good.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*With the quilt under me dreams and ideas flow like a stream of cool water.
I think a comma after 'me' would be appropriate because 'With the quilt under me' acts as a introduction for the main sentence 'dreams and ideas flow like a stream of cool water.' Great metaphor, by the way!

*Bullet*that sad wasted tree
I think a comma after 'sad' would be appropriate because 'sad' and 'wasted' are two separate adjectives to describe the tree, rather than one thing together.

*Bullet*I could fill notebooks up with magical words which turned into poetry and stories.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit. Consider rewording it a bit to produce a smoother flow. For a quick example, 'I could fill notebooks with magical words, flowing effortlessly into poems and stories.'

*Bullet*Fantasies would arrive like wishes dropped by fairies that lived in the tree,...
Consider using 'who' instead of 'that'.

*Bullet*Boys become generous men.
I think 'become' should be 'became'.

*Bullet*Girls discovered the touch of a male hand can thrill tender skin sending exciting sensations into their inner being.
I think there should be a comma after 'skin' to show that the male hand is what is sending, rather than the tender skin which precedes it. It provides the distinction.

*Bullet*These were brave boys going to war and their sweethearts cry silently.
There is tense confusion here. 'These' is present tense, 'were' is past tense, and 'cry' is present. Considering this piece is being told as past events, I think it should all be in past tense.

*Bullet* They had no wish to die but what choice did they have?
There should be a comma before 'but' because it is being used as a coordinating conjunction.

*Bullet*they hoped love would open the girl’s secret place and let them in before a bayonet might destroy all dreams forever.
The section 'might destroy all dreams forever' seems incomplete. Consider, 'and let them in before a bayonet destroyed their dreams forever'.

*Bullet*Here I stand across from that tree that gave me so much joy.
The word 'that' twice so close together feels repetitive. Considering rephrasing.

*Bullet*It’s leaves are gone and the apples are but dreams of the past.
The word 'It's' should be 'Its'.

*Bullet*Later I realize the sobbing was coming from me.
I think a comma after 'Later' would be appropriate because it is being used as an introductory word.

*Bullet*I have a prosthetic ear that has the feel of real ear.
Consider 'real skin' to reduce the repetition of 'ear'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. The mood was done very well, allowing me to feel and understand the level of her depression, of how she felt she should suffer for an eternity. She blamed herself for her husband's death, and at the very end the reader gets to see why. Leaving it until the end to reveal it left a lasting impression for me. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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243
243
Review of Learning To Roll  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Thimpin !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Well, I have to admit, I loved that ending. I had a smile painted clear across my face when I heard Bobby's mom yell out. It was left hanging in a way that the reader can choose for themselves whether Harless decided to let it go or not, but either way it was resolved well.

The narrative tone in this was very good. I felt that I had a clear connection to Bobby throughout the course of the story. The narrative came from his perspective, allowing the reader to see the world from his eyes. Doing that was a great way of showing the reader why he did what he did, as well as what he was feeling during each situation. His internal thoughts gave me even more insight into his mind and allowed me to feel like I really got to know him well.

Speaking of which, the character development in this was extremely well done. By the end of the story I could safely say I got to know Bobby very well. It was clear that what he did was out of a desire to experience new things, some of which were frightening, but that he felt would make him more than he already was. His mother was shown nicely. I could see from the way she spoke to him in the beginning that she was strict, but not to the point of being cruel. Well done. His friend Shucks was a bit of a butt-head, but with the freedom that his mother allowed him, it was understandable.

The dialogue flowed well and felt natural as I read through. The character's individual voices held strong throughout, and the purposeful misspellings worked well to show the pronunciation and accent. There were a couple spots where the dialogue needs to be split into separate paragraphs, and I have included those suggestions below.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. Bobby's motivation for his actions was made clear in the beginning, so I could understand the events as they transpired. The scene with Harless and Bobby at the end sure had my heart pumping, not to mention my blood boiling, and it was resolved in a satisfactory way.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...which basically meant, I wasn't very good at much else,
The comma after 'meant' isn't needed. Also, 'which' needs to be capitalized because the dialogue that comes before it ends with a period.

*Bullet* But I was about to become a full-fledged teenager that summer and my not being able to memorize the multiplication table or know a noun from a verb was the last thing on my mind.
There should be a comma before 'and my not' because the 'and' is working as a coordinating conjunction for a compound sentence. Meaning, the sentences on each side of the 'and' can stand alone.

There are a couple places in the first paragraph that the word 'had' is used when it isn't really needed to set the past tense.
*Bullet*Lightning bugs had returned several weeks earlier to warm the cool evenings...(The word 'returned' shows the past tense already.)
*Bullet*The ceaseless symphonies of grasshoppers had also made their way back...

*Bullet* Old Man Leon Jenkins was a master of this style though his fingertips were stained yellow.
I think there should be a comma before 'though'.

*Bullet*It was a summer I would get my first taste of shop-lifting...
I think 'a' should be 'the'.

*Bullet*but because he had failed a couple of grades we had wound up in the same blended sixth grade class.
Consider removing 'had', I don't think it is needed.

*Bullet*This is something I'm not at all sure about, and I haven't mentioned it before now because of that, but I think 'aint' should have an apostrophe before the 't': ain't

*Bullet*"But your little friend just got here Shucks and now you're gonna run off on him?"
There should be a comma before and after 'Shucks' because it is a direct address.

*Bullet*In the thirty minutes or more that it took us to walk to the corner in town Shucks laid out our plans for the day, as he passed out cigarettes and complained that we were going to have to start buying our own.
There should be a comma after 'to the corner in town' because it is an introductory phrase. The comma after 'day' isn't necessary.

*Bullet*Shucks' plan was for us to be there before Harless and become his buddies for the day or at least until he passed out.
I think a comma before 'or' would be appropriate.

*Bullet* The corner was surrounded by the usual small town enterprises such as a hardware, drug, and grocery stores.
There are two options here. Either cut out 'a' so the plural of 'store' is accepted by all, or use the 'a' and make 'stores' singular. As it stands, it doesn't show whether there is multiples of all the stores, or only the grocery store.

*Bullet*Mothers and the business folk despised the corner as well as those who came to hang out there.
The word 'came' indicates present tense. Consider 'went' instead.

*Bullet*Shucks took a drag on his Winston leaned his head back and blew three smoke rings toward the fading morning clouds.
Consider placing a comma after 'Winston' and 'back' to show it is a list of actions he performed.

*Bullet*Shucks squeezed my shoulder and winked then turned back to Harless.
Comma after 'winked'.

*Bullet*Consequently the odor of the Swag was about a...
Consider placing a comma after 'Consequently'.

*Bullet*About 20 minutes after we left the corner we stepped off west Flag road and started down into the Swag.
Consider placing a comma after 'corner' because the preceding phrase is an introductory phrase for the main action.

*Bullet* For some reason watching him nurse his wine bottle was just as embarrassing.
I think a comma after 'reason' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*"I'll be back in a minute." "Where the hell you going?" Shucks demanded. "I gotta piss really bad Shucks", I pleaded, anything to keep from drinking after Backer again. "Just checking," Shucks said with a plastic grin, "put out a fire for me, but hurry right back."
Due to the fact that there are two different speakers here, the dialogue should be separated out, a new paragraph for each speaker.

*Bullet*Me and Backer can run all the way up to Lonzo's get the stuff and run all the way back in about thirty minutes."
I think there should be a comma after 'Lonzo's' and again after 'stuff' as it is a list of what they will do.

*Bullet*I walked slowly back aiming for the opposite side of the path from Harless and sat down casting a quick glance at him.
Consider 'back slowly' rather than 'slowly back'. Also, I think there should be a comma after 'back' and against after 'Harless' to show that the part inside of the commas is an added element to the main sentence.

*Bullet* “By-Gawd, I told you to...
This part of dialogue should be seperated from the dialogue from the boy, rather than in the same paragraph.

*Bullet*Something like fire went through my body starting at the...
Comma after 'body' to show that 'starting' is referring to the fire.

*Bullet*but I don’t think I’m gonna let you play teacher, Now,
The comma before 'Now' should be a period.

*Bullet* I heard a light thapping noise, as the bullet hit his...
The comma here isn't needed. The word 'as' is almost always used as a subordinating conjunction, therefore, no comma is needed.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable story of Bobby's choices as a young boy, and how he was very close to learning the very hard way. I was pleased when his mom and brother showed up to save him, and felt that Bobby had definitely learned his lesson. I'm sure he wouldn't be quite so prone to find adventure after that. *Smile* Feel free to let me know once you have edited, and I will head back over to re-evaluate the piece accordingly.

Happy Writing!

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244
244
Review of A Ghostly Poem  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann - House Martell !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a cute poem about a house haunted with playful children. It was a refreshing change to read about ghosts in a positive light.

Tone & Mood: The tone started off a bit eerie, but transitioned smoothly to loving and joyful when the ghosts were revealed as children. The mood changed a bit as well, starting with a dark edge and ending with a light, happy atmosphere. Very nice.

Emotional Impact: I found this piece heartening. It made me feel happy for the ghostly children that they were able to merge with a human family and feel love. Quite the change from being malicious and haunting people. *Smile*

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I am not too good with form, but the rhyming sequence was very well done, the words chosen carefully to reflect the content with the desired effect. The flow was very nice. As I read this out loud I found it flowed off my tongue with ease.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*And we would behold a home sweet home dear.
I wonder if a comma before 'dear' would be appropriate. The first time I read it through the word confused me since it didn't really flow with 'home sweet home' until I paused before 'dear'.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This was a great read. I enjoyed the originality of this piece. Most often when ghosts are used, they are accompanied by fear and injury. It was really nice to see them in a different light, playing with other children and being happy. *Smile* I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
245
245
Review of Role Models  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! Great work on the edit! It reads much smoother now, and Michael falling to his knees was a great touch. It upped the emotion well. I just noticed one thing, when 'Momma' is used as a name in a direct address, there should be a comma before it. All in all, well done!! *Bigsmile* I have revised my original rating accordingly.

~Joy
246
246
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thimpin,

Yikes! When I sent that review, I somehow got the rating all wrong. It came through as a 1 when it should have been a 4! Super sorry about that, I've got to be more careful when I'm hitting keys, I guess!!

I cleared that rating and am now submitting the four it should have been. *Smile*

~Joy
247
247
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hiya, Thimpin !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The opening paragraph was great. It grabbed my attention well. My dad's been a truck driver all my life, so I tend to notice when someone doesn't get the descriptions quite right. You did a great job with this while he was slamming on his brakes because of the car in front of him. It unraveled in a realistic way and felt believable.

The story progressed at a good rate without any areas to lull the reader at all. I found the tone stayed constant and kept me interested, even when I doubted the fact that the woman was a ghost.

The character development of Al was very well done. Through the course of the story I learned a lot about him and could safely say I felt like I knew him well by the end. I liked how his personality was revealed through his actions and dialogue. It made the process of discovering him seem more realistic. His reaction at the end was great, and definitely held with his established personality.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. There were a series of small conflicts, allowing the reader to maintain interest right till the final revelation at the end. Which, I might add, was well done. I was left with a sense of having experienced something very few ever had before.

One thing I wanted to comment on is the use of the word 'had' throughout the narrative. I found that it created a bit of a passive tone a few times. Go through and find them, then look at the sentence without it. You will find that a lot of the time, it can be removed without changing the effect of the sentence.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Pulling an eighty ton shifting load of black gold in a bucket...
I think a comma after 'ton' because 'eighty ton' and 'shifting load' are equal adjectives describing the same thing.

*Bullet*Albert shouted as a small dusty blue Fiesta jumped...
Comma after 'small'.

*Bullet*He fought to not close his eyes...
Consider 'He fought to keep his eyes open...' for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*Abcessed
Should be 'Abscessed'.

*Bullet*n the meantime fog was rising in...
Comma after 'meantime' because it is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet* The truck came to a grinding, stuttering stop angled to the middle of the road about twenty feet...
I think a comma after 'stop' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*His heart racing and his body covered with sweat Al felt like he had just ran a mile.
I think a comma after 'sweat' would be be good because 'His heart racing and his body covered with sweat' sets up the second part of the sentence.

*Bullet*Suddenly he heard the door to his truck open and click closed and he froze.
Consider placing a comma after 'Suddenly' because it is a disjunctive adverb that modifies the entire sentence. Also, consider a dash for the last 'and' to give it a bit more punch. For example, 'Suddenly, he heard the door to his truck open and click closed - he froze.'

*Bullet*Her hair was long and sandy blonde almost golden.
Consider placing a comma after 'blonde'.

*Bullet*She wore a plain cream-colored low-cut dress with long sleeves...
The words 'plain', 'cream-colored' and 'low cut' are all adjectives describing the same thing, so should be set off with commas. One after 'plain' and another after 'cream-colored'. The words 'low-cut' do not need a comma because they connect to the object being described.

*Bullet*“I’m so glad you stopped” she said
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*“I know and I am very sorry" she pouted, "but I...
Need a comma before the end punctuation mark. Also, I think the comma after 'pouted' should be a period because 'she pouted' isn't a direct dialogue tag, but also an action.

*Bullet*His big heart had been slain, still he couldn't shake...
Consider using a period here instead of a comma. Then, start the next sentence with 'Still, he couldn't...'. Give it a shot and see what you think.

*Bullet*Al said as he rubbed his hand across his face, "I knew it. I'm not going to make it home am I?", his voice a trembling whisper.
The comma after 'face' should be a period. Also, the comma before 'his' isn't necessary. I think 'his' should be capitalized, as well.

*Bullet*"I'll come around and help you down"
Consider placing a comma before the ending quotation mark.

*Bullet*He slammed the passenger door and ran around the truck and got in.
Consider substituting a comma for the first 'and'.

*Bullet*Twenty minutes later just when he thought he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer he saw blue and yellow neon...
Consider a comma after 'later' and another after 'longer' to separate the added element from the main sentence.

*Bullet*"Buddy, You got that right,...
The word 'you' doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Bullet*"Sally",
The comma should be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet*The dancers had stopped dancing and the jukebox went silent.
The word 'had' isn't needed here as the past tense is implied already.

*Bullet*After pouring his cup full again Bob looked at Sally...
Comma after 'again'.

*Bullet*Seeing that Al was stressed and tired he reassured him that...
Comma after 'tired'.

*Bullet*And besides in the morning when the sun comes up,...
Consider dropping the 'And' and start this with 'Besides'. Also, a comma after 'besides' would be appropriate because it is acting as a transitional word.

*Bullet*“My god but she was pretty”, he thought to himself.
The comma should be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet* Sally, the redhead, seeing his discomfort, stepped up and kissed his cheek.
Consider re-ordering this sentence a bit. The 'the redhead' isn't necessary because she was introduced as a redhead earlier on. The story isn't too long for the reader to remember that. Also, consider this: 'Seeing his discomfort, Sally stepped up and kissed his cheek.'

*Bullet*It felt like a light cooling puff of air.
Just need a comma after 'light' because 'light' and 'cooling' are adjectives.

*Bullet* He had slowed to twenty-five miles per hour when he saw three flares laying across the...
I think 'had' could be removed from this sentence without hurting it in anyway. It will create a more active tone.

*Bullet*“You mentioned him a minute ago",
Comma inside of the quotation mark.

*Bullet*But no restaurants up her since.
There is a typo on 'here'. Also, this is missing the end quotation mark.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A really great story! My attention was held constant with the series of conflicts and action laced through the narrative. There were no large areas of exposition to slow the story down, and the character of Al was developed nicely. Let me know if you edit - again, the only thing keeping this from a higher rating were the technical suggestions above. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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248
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Review of Role Models  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


My first reaction to this piece was, 'Wow'. The story told within this was emotionally wrenching, not to mention a huge eye opener for the reader.

The narrative tone was consistent and clear, creating a near effortless connection between Tommy and the reader. Right in the beginning my heart broke for him that he would have to hide under the porch in order to play. The descriptions in this were very well done. I had a clear visual of everything that happened to the child, as well as the areas in which he was. The scene in the house with his mother was intense and realistic for someone going through this kind of abuse. His reaction to cover his head was vivid and showed some of the emotion he tried so hard to keep hidden. I swear I could hear him begging her to stop. Very well done.

I also wanted to say that I really liked the way you showed the accents of the speakers. The purposeful misspelling of certain words worked nicely to show that they were speaking in a sort of drawl. Very nice.

As the story progressed, I was kept in suspense as to what was going to happen. As he went through the motions of the ride to town, buying the groceries, and then walking home my curiosity spiked. Oh, I should also mention here that all that was well written. Even though it felt like not a lot was happening to further the story, it was intense and compelling. In the beginning of this story I thought the main focus would be the abuse he went through at home, but when Tater wasn't yelling at him the second time around, I realized, a split second before he did, that something was wrong.

The section where he was dreaming was very intense. I could feel his desperation clearly. I was pleasantly surprised when Mr. Gibson was there to save him, and even more surprised at his revelation.

The last sentence was clever and very telling of the effect the encounter had on Tommy.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Tommy Thornsberry leaned back and smiled. His young face partially illuminated by the morning light sliding through the cracks of the porch boards over head.
Consider using a semicolon here rather than a period since the second sentence is reliant on the first. I think a period is too much of a stop to show the reader that they reflect information about the same emotion.

*Bullet*"Tommy!", she yelled, "Have you got my wash water yet?".
There is double punctuation in this sentence. The comma after the quotation mark is not needed before 'she yelled' and the period at the end is also not needed. The ending punctuation within the quotation marks is enough for closure.

*Bullet*"G'morning Momma, I didn't know you were up yet." he said out of breath, "This is the last...
The period after 'yet' should be a comma because it is followed by the direct tag 'she said'. Also, I think a comma after 'said' would be good in order to seperate 'out of breath' enough to show that he said it while he was out of breath. You could also consider 'panted' or 'huffed' rather than said in order to 'show' his reaction to the reader. That, though, is something many readers do not agree on, so it's completely up to you.

*Bullet*Her face twisted with rage she whispered harshly,...
Consider placing a comma after 'rage'. I think it works as an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*"Yes Momma",
The comma just needs to be inside the quotation mark.

*Bullet*Come here and give Momma a big hug and then you and little Pete go on back to bed, Ok?
This section of dialogue is missing the end quotation mark. Also, the whole paragraph is seperated from 'Sally softened' but it could easily be a part of the same paragraph.

*Bullet*"Yes Momma. I'll hurry right back.", Tommy said...
The period before the quotation mark isn't needed, and the comma should be in its place.

*Bullet*Though he had mopped up the water he stopped to make...
I think a comma after 'water' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*and worn-out dirty-white deck tennis shoes, no socks.
I think a comma after 'worn-out' would be appropriate because 'worn-out' and 'dirty-white' are both adjectives to describe the same thing. Also, consider using a dash before 'no socks' rather than a comma. I suggest this in order to show the reader it is not a part of the list, but rather, an exception.

*Bullet*It was a clear beautiful spring morning...
I think a comma after 'clear' and again after 'beautiful' because they are both adjectives describing the morning.

*Bullet*Tommy, grabbed the door handle, stepped on the running board and jumped...
The comma after 'Tommy' isn't needed. It seems to throw off the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*There are a few places where 'Peanut' is used as a name for Tommy by the truck driver. There should be a comma before it any time that it is used as a direct address.

*Bullet*...gave his full head of dark brown hair a short toss to the left clearing it from his vision.
Consider placing a comma after 'left'.

*Bullet*Someone had nick-named him 'Tater', because he was often seen...
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'Tater' because the word 'because' is a subordinate conjunction.

*Bullet*He stopped the truck right beside of the corner and Tommy hopped out and turned to slam the door.
This sentence is a bit off for flow. Consider the following, 'He stopped the truck at the corner. Tommy hopped out and turned to slam the door.'

*Bullet*"Thanks for the ride Tater"
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark.

*Bullet* This morning was no different with one exception.
I don't know, this is a pretty big contradiction. Consider something like this, 'This morning was the same, with one exception.' I know it says almost the same thing, but one exception indicates a difference.

*Bullet*It taste like lead and mud.
I think 'taste' should be 'tasted'.

*Bullet*...afraid to breath for the worst had yet to happen.
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Bullet*"That's my boooooooy!",
No comma is needed here.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

The technical suggestions above are the only thing that kept this from a 5 star rating. This story really deserves it, so please let me know if you decide to edit. I would love to re-evaluate it accordingly.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, though the content itself was far from happy. It was intense, compelling, realistic, and far too believable. I was left feeling emotionally raw, as well as heart broken for this boy, and so many others who suffer the same sort of fate. I look forward to reading more of your work, you are an exceptional ability to involve the reader. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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249
249
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Jay's debut novel is out now! !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Short, sweet, and well written. This piece of dialogue is a very good example of how showing can be accomplished through dialogue. The character development was really very good for this short of a piece. I found the speech and actions of Heather to be realistic and believable. I have yet to see a child who wants to stay at school, away from the safety of his/her mother, on the morning of the first day. The mother's reaction was likewise realistic. I could sense her reluctance to leave her daughter with the teacher, and also an underlying frustration regarding the child's 'meltdowns'.

The ending was cute. My daughter didn't want to leave after her first day, either, and I found it realistic. The poor mom, though, it seemed that no matter what she wanted her to do, the child did the opposite. *Wink*

Suggestions

I didn't notice any mistakes in grammar, punctuation, or spelling. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an enjoyable read. The dialogue was expressive and showing, and I found it flowed naturally, as well as being believable. The story moved along well from beginning to end. Well done. *Bigsmile*I noticed this is labeled as Chapter 1, do you have more chapters ready?

Happy Writing!

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250
Review of Santa's Helpers  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Sum1 !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a great read. I really like how you managed to convey a very important message in a fun way. You even incorporated the art of texting, which has become a primary source of communication in our modern world. I smiled to think of Santa texting!

Tone & Mood: The tone started out sad, maybe even irritated, and changed smoothly as he texted with Santa. The mood was set well through the use of thoughts and active narrative. I think the use of different colored font eased the reading process for the reader by distinguishing the difference is speaker without needing tags. Well done.

Emotional Impact: This poem made me think about what Christmas should be filled with. Rather than stress over finances and whether or not I can get my kids what they really want, I realized what I should be thinking about is friends, family, and spending time together. I was left with a feeling of contentment.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: All spot on as far as I could tell. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The only thing I wanted to comment on was that there was a bit of back and forth between using proper punctuation and not. Even though the speech is texted, I think the use of end punctuation before the quotation marks would be a good idea.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was well written, contains a great message, and left me feeling good about Christmas. Well done!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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