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2,311 Public Reviews Given
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I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
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Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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351
351
Review of Lest We Forget  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very well written story. The narrative tone of this piece was calm and descriptive, allowing the reader to experience the events from Tavnor's perspective as he watched those he loved, as well as his world, fade away. The sentence structure varied nicely, which helps the reader along by using different lengths to change the tone, and hence the mood.

Tavnor's character was well presented and believable. His thoughts gave his personal perpective, and demonstrated how gentle his personality was. He was portrayed as a gentle soul with an unshakeable faith in his God and this was supported by the way he acted with his children. Though they did not follow the type of lifestyle he wished, he allowed them to make their own decisions and held onto his faith that everything would turn out well. Very strong character development.

The descriptions were vividly worded to provide the reader a clear visual, both of the area and the features of the characters. I had no trouble maintaining a visual of the events in my mind as they transpired.

The way you presented this word was believable and realistic. I didn't find any indication of inconsistency in the plot line or the development of the world and traditions. I like that you provided a list at the end of the piece to indicate the meanings of the additional words. Though I do think they were presented within the piece well enough to make them believable and allow the reader to understand their meaning before hand.

The dialogue between the characters was very natural and expressive. I found it believable.

The title of this piece fits the content well. The last paragraph summed up the story well and allowed thoughtful reflection from the reader, and an understanding of why things turned out as they did.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but I guess he had others to attend to more important."
I found I stumbled on the wording in this sentence. Consider adding 'who were' before 'more important'.

*Bullet*"I could also take private students father or teach music in school or even compose for Uigods choir.
Consider using comma's to break up this sentence a bit. It feels as though he is rambling without them. Also, there is a typo on 'Urgods'.

*Bullet*... what was formerly Liva.
There is a missing 'i' in 'Livia'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. I would not hesitate to recommend this piece.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
352
352
Review of Martyr Chapter 3  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Bethany! I apologize for how long it took me to get to reviewing these chapters. I have been a bit busy the last few days. *Smile* I am glad to offer my suggestions, but remember they are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

Well, I think there has been fairly good progress on the story line in these two chapters. Quite a lot of time passed by, bringing them to summer vacation and meeting Chloe's family and friends. There have been a few indicators that Evie will not stay happy with the situation for long. Her attitude is good so far, but she is slightly volatile, so I think there will probably be a confrontation sooner or later.

The meeting of Roz was a nice touch, and gave me a little bit of hope for Evie to find some happiness, or at least have some fun that doesn't include Chloe or drinking. Of course, this also gives another potential for a bad situation. I think that's a good thing, there should be no lack of confrontations for you to keep the reader interested.

I am a little bit put off my Chloe's turn around in the car when they were heading to her parents. Her thoughts seemed a bit too scattered. Within the space of two sentences she went from being worried her parents wouldn't like Evie and would drive them apart, to being worried Evie would embarass her. It is realistic for her to think about both things, but I think telling the reader both things at the same time will be too much and seem inconsistent. Something to consider, at any rate. *Smile*

The dialogue flows well and has a realistic feel to it.

I caught a hint of something to come, regarding Evie's job, as well. Make sure you don't get so many subplots going that you can't keep up with them. Readers tend to prefer simple plots to plots they can't seem to follow or feel are realistic. Again, a point to consider.

Suggestions

CHAPTER FOUR

Try to limit the amount you use the word 'had' if at all possible. It tends to create a passive voice. If possible, take it out or reword slightly sometimes. For example,
*Bullet* After two weeks, my officemate had asked for a different place to go, and my advisor had given gave Chloe a part time job filing for the department...

*Bullet*...we sat up a Christmas tree...
I think 'set' would be the correct word for this sentence.

*Bullet*... in my twenty two years...
Numbers such as this should be combined with a hyphen *Right*twenty-two.

*Bullet*...plopped one on mine the second...
I think 'me' would flow smoother than 'mine'.

*Bullet*... word of my sentence came out squeaking.
Consider using 'as a squeak' rather than 'squeaking'. It would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*She’d bought me a...
there is no need for the 'had' in this sentence.

*Bullet*... new coffee pot with its’ own...
Don't need the apostrophe at the end of 'its'.

*Bullet*...we spend hours making...
The word 'spend' should be 'spent'.

*Bullet*...and together we made turkey and every side we could think of.
To limit the use of the word 'and' consider using 'along with' before 'every side'.

*Bullet*...forced to filing a restraining order on...
To use 'filing' you need 'to' to be 'into', or you could say 'to file'.

*Bullet* It will fun, none-the-less,...
The word 'will' should be 'was'.

*Bullet*...the light out in beautiful patters all over the walls...
There is a typo on the word 'patterns'.

CHAPTER FIVE

*Bullet*...graduation night where for my high school...
The word 'where' should be 'there'.

*Bullet* The dark hair contrasted against her light features was gorgeous.
The word 'contrasted' should be 'contrasting'.

*Bullet*...going wonderfully Chloe.
Need a comma before 'Chloe'.

*Bullet* She smiled shyly and gave waved her tiny hand hello as...
The word 'gave' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet*Carolyn showed me the master suite, which had been the size of my entire apartment.
The word 'had been' do not fit with this sentence. Try 'was' instead.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, the plot line is progressing nicely, as well as the characters themselves. There is definitely room for quite a bit of development. I think after some editing it will flow smoothly and be a very enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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353
353
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, PLScholl2!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone of this piece was done well to portray the emotional upset of the character as she runs about, having a very bad morning. It reflects her mood well, adding to the reaction of the reader as they progress through the story. It is also explanatory without over emphisizing minor details. Very nice.

The attention to detail in this piece is really good. The descriptions are well worded and placed within the narrative in a way that does them justice and allows the reader to create a visual with next to no effort. I found it easy to maintain a clear picture of the events as they happened. The descriptions of physical attributes was nicely done, allowing for a bit of creativity from the reader. Also, the way her dream followed her, by way of seeing Mr.Granger's pointed eye teeth, was a nice touch.

The dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and was realistic, taking into account the development of Kasey's character. I found it was easy to follow and believable.

The character development was good for the amount of time you had to work on it. This was a fairly short piece, so not a whole lot of development is really needed in this area, besides what pertains to the situation at hand. You showed well how patient Jack was; his bemused expression, the way he had her coffee ready for her, etc. were really nice ways of adding this element without the need to be obvious. Very well done.

The story line development and execution was believable, as well as adding a touch of humor to the negative events that transpired. Poor Kasey suffered quite a fit realistic set backs for her day, only to arrive at work and find the worst had come to pass and she had lost her job. By that point, I was about ready to cry with her. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Thanks! You’re a doll” Kasey jumped...
Missing the end punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet*“Ummm, How about I go make that coffee now?”
The word 'How' does not need to be capitalized.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well written, realistic piece. I enjoyed the read. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
354
354
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is definitely a thought provoking piece. I believe you have presented this eternal question in a very realistic, open minded fashion. You have made reference to many different religious beliefs, from what I recognized as Catholic, to Atheism, to Prodistan. I believe you have provided the reader with very clear questions, ones which will undoubtedly spur deep thought and reflection.

I agree with you that this is a question we must answer for ourselves, regardless of religious background, or lack thereof. Like you explained, the Bible itself is completely open to personal interpretation, and has been 'interpretated' in so many different ways and by so many different view points that I believe there is no true answer to this question. Which, I believe, is one of the main ideas you were trying to get across.

The sentence structure in this piece suited the narrative tone very well. The tone of this piece helped to capture the essence, the question of what is truly correct when referencing right and wrong. I think the tone is also one of the things that makes this piece so intense. It challenges the reader to truly think about it, to challenge themselves to try and answer it. Many have tried, many believe they have succeeded, but in the scheme of things, we will never know.

I was captured by the first paragraph easily. The quality of the writing, combined with the narrative tone pulled me alond through the piece with ease. It was the type of read where I forgot I was actually reading. Very nice. You managed to convey the narrators emotions without pushing them on the reader, expressing belief without demanding the reader agree. I believe this will appeal to the reader. The reader agreeing with the narrator isn't the point of this, and that comes across very strongly. The ending statement was simply wonderful. It sums up the general idea, in a way the reader will understand.

Alright, enough rambling, I think! *Wink* Onto the suggestions...

Suggestions

*Bullet*...for any reason honorable?,It happens...
Just a misplaced comma after the question mark.

*Bullet*I have one technical suggestion. I noticed as I read, there is a tendency to use the word 'that' often. I think there are many places it could be removed to provide a smoother flow without changing the content. I have provided an example of one such place, below.
~Maybe they believe that Hell is a place that most people wouldn't want to be,...


*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, I think you have done a very nice job of expressing the philosophical question contained in this piece with an objective point of view, allowing the reader to decide for themselves. An extremely enjoyable, thought provoking read. Very well done!

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~AJ Lyle~

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
355
355
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Jasmine. You were kind enough to read and review my work, and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

This piece has good potential. The ending hook is very nice, it leads the reader up to a revelation that will more than likely be devastating to Stacey, which will definitely make people want to continue on to the next chapter. Great job with that.

The character development of Stacey is moving along well. The dialogue allows the reader to see she is somewhat shallow, worrying whether she will turn into a nerd or not {which made me laugh!), and her thoughts show she is very concerned with what is cool and how her friends and others view her. For a first chapter, that is a great start. The first paragraph of the second section is well worded and structured, allowing for the reader to get a sense of how she is feeling. This is an important part of character development, as well as hooking the reader. Good job.

The tone of the narrative is good. The narrator is Stacey and the tone reflects her emotions and reactions, showing the reader what she sees and feels. You did good with the first person tense, it is a hard one to perfect because you cannot experience the other characters inner thoughts and have to rely solely on the narrator for information. I think you have done well writing it this way, it seems to be natural form for you. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*I am Stacey keemer, I am 16, have a gorg-boyfriend, blonde hair, blue eyes, big chest. am one of those sexy, popular girls who EVERYONE knows and loves.
This is a whole lot of information to impart in a quick list format. You want the introduction of the main character to be memorable for the reader. Consider expanding this first sentence, adding a bit more extra info and creating several sentences out of it. For an example, I have done this below. Remember though, this is straight off the top of my head, and as the author, you get to decide whether you agree or not!*Smile*
My name is Stacey Keemer. I'm sixteen years old with honey blonde hair, matching blue eyes and a creamy complexion. I'm one of those girls in school that everyone loves, with the added benefit of being well endowed, if you know what I mean, and the hottest guy I know as my boyfriend.
I know these facts may be different than what you imagine, but I added some to show you what I mean about additional info.

*Bullet*It is a good idea to place numbers in long format, for example, 3 years = three years.

*Bullet*3 years ago now, that it was nearly Mike, my boyfriend's 17th birthday party,...
This sentence is slightly confusing to me, was it Mike's 17th birthday when Stacey was 13? Also, try starting this sentence with, 'It was three years ago now,...'

*Bullet*It all started when Me and Mike went upstairs and had some fun!
I think you need to expand on this thought a bit. The sentence directly following this states she is walking home, later that night, so I don't really understand how it was the fun which started everything. Also, should be 'Mike and I'.

*Bullet* I did not know what happened, if it had not been for the sounds, I would not have known what happened.
Consider rephrazing this slightly. It sounds as though you are saying the same thing each time, though what I think you mean is if not for the sounds, you wouldn't have realized anything was wrong. Am I right?

*Bullet*Take a quick read through and look for the beginning words of new sentences. There are a few that aren't capitalized.

*Bullet*...stopped my thought in it's tracks.
The word 'it's' is referring to the thought so should be 'its'. The apostrophe is only needed if it could be replaced with 'it is' without changing the meaning.

*Bullet*A golden wolves head necklace.
This sentence feels awkward, like it would be hard to say out loud. Try 'A golden necklace in the shape of a wolf's head'.

*Bullet*I tried it on, and everything shot forward, and I felt a pulling sensation.
Try to reduce using the word 'and' in a sentence more than once. It tends to feel repetitive. You could rephraze slightly to reduce this need, for example, 'I tried it on and everything shot forward as pulling sensation came over me.

*Bullet*Not lieing on a metal table...
The word 'lieing' should be 'lying'.

*Bullet*...tomorrow at 1 oclock for lunch.
I suggest to word this as 'one o'clock'.

*Bullet*I wonder at Phillius' personality. Though I like how he acted at the end, I wonder at why he felt it necessary to kidnap her, then simply schedule a meeting at the Pizza Palace. It feels inconsistent. You may consider working that out a bit for the reader to understand it.

Overall

All in all, I think you have done pretty well with introducing the main character, as well as hooking the reader with a supernatural occurance. I enjoyed the character of Phillius, he seemed to be quite calm and in control of himself. Stacey comes across as a realistic sixteen year old and I'm sure young adult readers will appreciate that she acts like an average teenager. I believe this has good potential, and that with some diting, will be a great first chapter.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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356
356
Review of Down Home  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a promising start to what appears to be a dramatic story. It is clear in the beginning that Jane has escaped a marriage to a man who abused her. The second section, a few months later, gives the impression that her and her daughter are having difficulty dealing with the after affects of such a horrible situation. I know from experience that this can be a very volatile situation, especially if the husband decides to make a reappearance.

The narrative is smooth for the most part, though I think you could consider using a bit more variety with sentence length. There is a tendency to use long sentences with a lot of comma's. Though this can create a soft, flowing tone to the writing, it can become tiresome for the reader as well. These types of sentences can be hard for the reader to follow. Does that make sense? I sure hope so! *Smile*

The dialogue between Jane and her daughter was realistic. I got a fairly good sense of Jane's personality through this chapter. She seems to be a hard working mother who would love nothing more than to have a calm, normal life. The character of the daughter was barely introduced so I don't feel that I can make any comments in that regard as of yet.

Definitely an intriguing start. Keep up the good work!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...that housed The 1st savings bank of Milwaukee.
I think if this is a name of a bank that the words 'savings bank' should also be capitalized.

*Bullet*The second paragraph is all one sentence. Consider revising it into shorter sentences. The reason I suggest this is because I found I had to read it twice to get it all because I got side tracked with all the different thoughts at one time.

*Bullet*...and could not force herself eyes to nap while the sun was still up during the day.
There is an extra word in this sentence, I think it is 'eyes'.

*Bullet*Waking up gasping for the air she never could full let into her lungs.
The word 'full' should be 'fully'.

*Bullet*Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pickup truck into the parking lot of the Salem Grade School parking lot amazingly as the release bell rang.
This sentence seems awkward. First, 'parking lot' is used twice, also, consider rewording slightly, refraining from the adverb 'amazingly'. For example, 'Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pick-up truck into the parking lot of Salem Grade School just as the release bell rang. She was amazed at her luck.

*Bullet*...window and waived her over.
The word 'waived' should be 'waved'. Waived is used when 'waiving' a fine, or something of the like.


Overall

An interesting first chapter. I am interested to see where this story goes. *Smile*

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357
357
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very productive chapter as far as information is concerned. My personal knowledge of the time frame they are referencing is very limited, so I am not sure if the facts are all 'factual' or whether they were fictionalized for the story. However, that said, I don't think it really matters. The point I am getting at is that you have used dialogue between the characters very well to help the reader understand the facts as they are explained. Considering my limited knowledge, I had no trouble following the conversation and understanding the information. I think this is very important to retain the readers interest, whether they are knowledgeable or not. Nicely done.

The narrative flowed very nicely and was easy to follow. The descriptions were vivid, and again, I have no knowledge of the area you are using, but I found I was able to create a visual in my minds eye with very little effort. Well done.

The dialogue between Monday, Daria and Henri was active and easy to follow. Their speech varied depending on the speaker, which makes it easy to distinguish between characters without extra narrative to explain this each time. Nice. Also, I found the way they spoke to be realistic and believable. I like the character Henri, he seems to be a very realistic character. He says what he thinks, without worrying about the consequences.

This story is getting deeper with the additional information and I think you are doing a very nice job of doing it smoothly, allowing the reader to follow the events with ease.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Hi Henri.”
I think there should be a comma after 'Hi'.

*Bullet*“Vas is wuss?” Wuss my dear is a man who is no longer a man. A weakling, a groveling, a sniveling half man.”
There is a quotation mark in the midst of this dialogue that doesn't belong.

*Bullet* He laid the documents on the bar and scanning them.
Consider changing the word 'scanning' to 'scanned'. I believe it would be smoother.

*Bullet*“Yes we do but we need help following the clues that give the directions.”
Consider placing a comma after 'do'. I think it would provide a natural pause for smoother flow.

*Bullet*“Ach!” Let me see. “The notes make reference to several places and several people,”
As far as I can tell, 'Let me see' should be a part of the dialogue, but is cut off by quotation marks.

*Bullet*I remember now,” Monday cut in.
Just missing opening quotation mark.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An indepth chapter which moves the story along nicely. The characters and plot line are being developed at a realistic and enjoyable rate. Great work! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
358
358
Review of Martyr Chapter 2  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya again, Bethany!

Strengths

These two chapters were very enjoyable. Chloe's personality comes through very well and is infectious even to me as I read. I really like how Evie can hear Chloe's thoughts as she speaks. It makes it quite interesting as I read. I think the way you do it is effective. I also have to say, I'm liking Chloe more and more. She is showing she is a lot smarter than she makes herself out to be.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and entertaining. A lot of their personality traits have been coming out through the dialogue and their reactions, and I think you have been very consistent with that. I like them both, though they are really very different in almost every respect. Evie started out closed up and is slowly emerging from her shell, again, very realistically. These two are strong characters and come across as believable. This story is going to be a lot of fun to read as it progresses, I'm sure! *Smile*

The flow of the narrative is good, Evie's thoughts give insight to her as a person and to her life before, though very little details have been given in that regard as of yet. I think taking it slow with that was a good idea, especially since when her past starts to come out it will more than likely cause them some problems. I have some thoughts about what I have been percieving as small hints about Chloe's family, but I think I'm just going to wait and see what happens, rather than asking. *Wink* It's funner that way. *Smile*

Suggestions

CHAPTER TWO

*Bullet*The sound of a humming brain...
I wonder if 'mind' would flow a little better. Something to consider.

*Bullet*Watching her made me self-conscience.
The word 'self-conscience' should be 'self conscious'.

*Bullet* You said you’re dad’s a senator;
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*It’s like I’m going to tell anyone.
This is a piece of Chloe's thoughts. I think you meant to say 'It's not like I'm going to tell anyone.'

*Bullet*You know I can hear your thoughts, and you want me to move in and, what?
This is Evie talking, so the word 'me' should be taken out. Isn't it Chloe that will move in with Evie?

*Bullet*“I’ll be the best roommate ever I promise.
I think a comma after 'ever' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*Hey can I paint my room?
Comma after 'Hey'.

CHAPTER THREE

*Bullet* Everything just thinks I’m some bimbo because I wear nice clothes...
This should be 'everyone'.

*Bullet*Even my teachers had a problem hold back bias when it came to “Crazy Evie.”
The word 'hold' should be 'holding'.

*Bullet*“Haven’t seen you in awhile Evie.”
Comma before 'Evie'.

*Bullet*“Yeah, whatever. I know we both be bisexual,...
I think, 'I know we're both bisexual' would flow smoother.

*Bullet*...probably because she looked like me than I could possibly be comfortable with.
Insert the word 'more' before 'like'. I think it was meant to be there, just overlooked.

*Bullet*day dreaming
These words could be hyphenated to show they are being used as a single concept (day-dreaming).

*Bullet*so they’ll be some cocktail party stuff, too.”
I think 'they'll' should be 'there'll'.

Overall

I am enjoying this immensely. The writing is very good, the flow of narrative and dialogue is realistic and the characters are well rounded and likeable. The story line so far has been intriguing, especially as we begin to learn more about Evie's abilities. I am impressed by this story and can't wait to read more!

Happy Writing!

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359
359
Review of Hard Road  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, T.L. Finch!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This set of lyrics is a really great reflection of a truckers life. My dad was a truck driver all my life, and he always told me, 'A truckers life is the highway, the white line never talks back.' As a child I always just thought it was a great joke, but as an adult I can see he really meant it. He was never at home at 'home', never comfortable until he was in his rig.

This song reflects what a truck driver leaves behind, but in a lot of cases, I think they become so used to the type of freedom it grants them that they can't function anywhere else, or perhaps, just don't want to. It also grants a bit of insight to the type of life a lot of the long haul drivers lead, far from anything much besides the radio, his rig, and the highway.

The flow is right on, the rhyme pattern works well and the wording seems very natural. The chorus is very catchy, in fact I can still recall the words without even trying, so I would say that's a very good thing. The tempo of the piece gives a good indication of what the music behind it would be. Also, the sentence structure was smooth and easy to follow, and produced their own beat according to that structure.

I can't say I know a lot about the technical aspects of song writing, but from a reader/listener's perspective I think you have covered all the bases quite well. I would definitely listen if I heard it on the radio. *Smile*

The word choices in this piece are suggestive of a truck driver and I can say, as a truckers kid, I really appreciated and enjoyed the consistency.

Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, a well written and enjoyable piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
360
360
Review of Mistaken  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya! *Smile*

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to admit, this definitely went a whole different direction than what I had in mind when I was reading. Awesome. *Smile* With the amount I read most days, I don't often come across a piece which can suprise me like this one did!

The structure of the story line was consistent. The sequence of events flowed well. I wondered why he would be telling a pharmacy clerk about something that happened in his childhood, at first, but I sure found out why!

The narrative tone really set the mood for the piece well. I was so wrapped up in what would happen if he didn't get proper treatment that I failed to think ahead, which is probably exactly what you intended -- it worked like a charm. Even now, I find myself shaking my head as I recognize the hidden hints. If only I would have paid attention to them.*Wink*

The opening paragraph did its job very well and pulled me into the story, intriguing me right from the start. Loved the ending paragraph as well, it left me with a creepy kind of feeling, just as a great horror should.

The descriptions were very well worded, and flowed easily. I found myself with a clear visual throughout, and have to say, I admire the way in which you worded them without the need for extra metaphors and adverbs. I was especially impressed with the process of the transformation. It was cleverly worded to make something unbelievable seem realitic to me as a reader.

The dialogue between the main character and the store clerk was believable. There was a very natural and realistic flow. The speech of the clerk gave the impression of a younger person, and was unique to his character. Which, I think, made the attack even more horrific when it came.

There was a definite tug on the emotions as the story unfolded. I found myself feeling his fear as he laid in bed, unable to move, and then as his story unfolded to the clerk, I was horrified at how his whole ordeal could have even been possible, thinking to myself, 'poor kid!'. Man, you really got me there.

I found the sentence structure varied nicely, changing in length at the moments of suspense to add to the intensity of the emotions. All in all, very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...at his horrified refection.
Just a typo in 'reflection'.

Overall

An intriguing story with a horrific twist, made real through the quality of the writing. *Smile* A piece I won't soon forget, that I can promise! *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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361
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I clicked on this piece, just to see what it was like as I was roving your port and within the first stanza I knew I had to review it. *Smile*

Poetry is such an open form of expression that I find it rare to come across a piece such as this, where the story unfolds much like a story. I was swept into this piece, as I said before, from the first stanza. The use of longer lines really appeals to me as a reader, and in my opinion, allows for the author to really weave expression and emotion into the content.

The story line flows really well in this piece and the progression from stanza to stanza was smooth. Not only that, but story was told from beginning to end without jumping around for dramatic effect. There is some use of ambiguous phrasing, which adds some mystery, perhaps even a bit of romantasized fantasy, and it was really an asset to the content. The emotion infused in this piece was evident and powerful, and I found myself very thoughtful, even reflective, after I finished reading.

As I always do, I read this piece aloud and found it to flow very close to effortlessly throughout. The use of comma's in the sentences allowed for a constant rhythm. The rhyme sequence, as well as the choice of wording sounded natural.

I really like the subject of this piece. It's such a heartbreaking thing to be torn apart by lies, especially when you find later in life that the love didn't fade. I really think you did an exceptional job with this piece. The flow of the story, the reactions and consequences, and the pain suffered throughout came through strongly, realistically and in a believable fashion. Very well done!

Suggestions

*Bullet*... by his closest freind.
Just a typo on 'friend'.

*Bullet*Not space nor time had changed them much. both of them were rare
The period in this sentence should be a comma or a semicolon. I'm guessing it's a typo.

*Bullet*She'd fought it, but then realized her love had not grown cold
Consider using a comma after 'realized'. When I was reading out loud I naturally paused there.

*Bullet*Using some tissue she wiped the tears not on hold.
This sentence sounded off to me in cadence with the stanza it was in. I think lengthening it just slightly would give it a smoother flow. What came to me was, 'Using some tissue she wiped the tears she could no longer hold'. I'm not a poet, by any means, but it's something to consider. *Smile*

All in all, a wonderful read. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
362
362
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Bethany! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

The narrative of this piece does a nice job of setting the tone right away. The first sentence acted as a good hook to pull the reader into the story. I like how you began this with an action sequence, it gets the reader involved in the story quickly and without needing to give a lot of actual information.

The narrative also offers a bit of information in a round about way about Evie. It introduces the idea she can hear others thoughts, and that hearing this girl from so far away is a strange occurance. This fact also gives the reader the impression there is something these two girls have in common they don't know about yet. A nice way to build the plot line.

The character development of Evie is done well through her own thoughts, her reactions to the situation, as well as the dialogue. She comes off as strong, independent, as well as short tempered and a bit self involved. However, the last part is tempered by her strange sense of protectiveness for Chloe. Definitely a well rounded personality set so far.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and believable and flows well. Chloe seems a bit immature by her way of speech, but what senators daughter wouldn't' be? *Wink* I think you have developed her character in a believable way so far.

The plot line is moving well so far, I think. From this chapter I got the impression that the guy who attacked Chloe will make a reappearance, and will probably be a part of the main story line. It is enough to intrigue the reader into reading on, but not so much as to make them think it will move along too quickly. I think most readers enjoy a bit of suspenseful build up.

The structure of the sentences and paragraphs is fairly smooth for the most part. There is a variety of sentence lengths which is always a good thing to assist in mood and tone changes without additional superfluous sentences and the transitions from paragraph to paragraph flowed well.

The title seems to fit fairly well, assuming Evie comes to act like a martyr later on, or something along those lines. Her character is fairly close already, seeing as she did risk herself to help someone she didn't even know. *Wink*


Suggestions

*Bullet*His plan had been to drag me inside...
Consider replacing 'had been' to 'was'. It will keep it in past tense while providing a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I ignored the blood that instantly gushed from his nose and ran to the girl on the ground.
Rather than using an adverb to strengthen the verb, 'instantly gushed' consider trying a more active verb, 'gushing'. The fact there is a gush of right away is already obvious because she notices it as she enters.

*Bullet* Now it was my turn to keep form passing out.
There is a typo on 'from'.

*Bullet*...we need to make sure you didn’t have any damage.”
The speaker of this sentence is a nurse and I don't think it reflects the way a nurse would state something like this. Consider something like, 'we need to make sure there are no lasting effects'.

*Bullet*Anymore questions?”
Any more should be two words.

*Bullet* The girl in the chair set up,...
The word 'set' should be 'sat'.

*Bullet*“Can I ask you something” She asked quietly.
Missing punctuation before the end quotation marks.

*Bullet* I’m sorry you don’t care about any of this.”
I think you should seperate the 'I'm sorry'. Perhaps use a comma or period. The reason I say this is because it sounds as though the girl is sorry that Evie doesn't believe her, rather than apologizing because she doesn't care and shouldn't be bothering her. Does that make sense?

*Bullet* prideful
Consider using 'proud' instead.

*Bullet*There are a few times when there are thoughts which aren't in italics. This may be confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*An image flashed in her head and me from replying.
This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. I'm thinking you mean Evie got the image from the girl as she had it, but I'm not too sure. Consider rewording to reduce confusion.

Overall

All in all, a strong start! Keep Writing!


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363
Review of Riley's Lullaby  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya again, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one sweet lullaby! I could imagine the tune as I was reading, definitely a nice soft song, perfect for closing little eyes. The images of butterflies and castles in the sky are very sweet, and I'm sure would help inspire peaceful dreams. *Smile*

Though it is simple in form, I really felt emotion from it as I read through. To be honest, it reminds me a lot of the little diddy my own mother sang to me when I was young. *Smile* Definitely the kind of piece that tugs at the heart strings, for sure.

The theme of this piece stays constant through the stanza's, and the reuse of the idea of dreams and sleep in consistent, landing at the end of every other stanza. I don't know if you planned it that way, but it works out well.

I didn't notice any specific rhyming sequence and I think it works quite well that way, especially as this would most likely be sung in soft, flowing sentences.

I think you have done a simply lovely job of creating a piece of music that most every child would enjoy and be lulled by. I also like how it repeats the following lines:

I will always be by your side
You will always be in my heart.
Go to sleep
My baby girl

It is important for our children to know how we feel about them, and saying it over and over like this creates a method for them to always remember just how much!

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is on the following section:

Of kings and queens
And their castles
In the sky.

When I was reading it out loud, the last line on this part felt too short and seemed to stagger the flow just slightly. Of course this is taking into acount the tune I gave to it, which might be very different from your own. *Smile*

All in all, a beautiful piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
364
364
Review of The World Goes On  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


First of all, I have to say - kudos to you for being able to tell a story in under 300 words. I have often looked at the flash fiction challenge, tried a few times, but never managed to build anything resembling a story in that amount of words. *Smile*

In spite of the strict word limit, I think you have managed to give the reader a clear accounting of the situation. There is limited character development, but again that is due to the word count limit.

The story progresses well. It gives a clear understanding of the tragedy she has suffered, as well as her emotional state. Kelly is loathe to truly accept her loss, and by way of that, refuses to acknowledge the will. This shows how much she loved Brian, which in turn allows the reader to feel the emotion behind her actions. I really enjoyed the last line. It showed the reader that she will be ok, that she is learning to deal with her loss. It allows for a sense of closure for the story.

The sentence structure was really good. You used varying length of sentences which I think really enhanced the emotional aspect of this piece. Shorter sentences tend to have a heavier impact, while longer, flowing sentences gives a sense of calmness. The sentence where she describes Brian is flowing, showing the reader she is thinking of him fondly without the need for extra adverbs. Nice.

The first sentence does a nice job of setting the mood for the piece. Her hands shaking as she holds the letter indicates she is upset, and allowed me to begin the read with a sense of an emotional upheaval. Very good on that!

I really liked the title. It really stands out and the first think that came to mind when I saw it was a sense of loss, of having to go on when one doesn't want to. It is actually what caught my attention to read the story. *Smile* It fits the content perfectly.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Kelly it’s John.
There should be a comma after 'Kelly'.

*Bullet*...frustration as he replied “No Kelly.
There should be a comma after 'replied' and again after 'No'.

*Bullet*The only other suggestion I have is just something that may help in the future when writing these very short pieces. I noticed a couple of sentences that could be shortened by taking out the word 'had'. Even when writing in past tense, it is not always necessary. For example,
You wrote: Her life had stopped while the world continued as if nothing had happened. (Word count: 13)
My suggestion: Her life stopped, while the world continued as though nothing happened. (Word count: 11)
There's no difference in meaning, but the word count is reduced. (e:smile) Sometimes this can really help when your word count is off, so you don't end up having to strike active words.

All in all, I think you did a very nice job with this piece. You used all the prompt words wel without making them seem out of place at all. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
365
365
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile*Hiya, Claire! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a really cute story. I was a little suprsied when the cat started talking, but oh man, did he have a personality or what! I think many of us who have pets wonder if they can understand us, and what they would say if they could. This was definitely a comical version of that. *Smile*

The progression of the story is good. So funny when she drops her head down in submission of his talent, or perhaps curse in her eyes. The narrative flows well, and oulls the reader along nicely.

I noticecd there are some errors in punctuation, etc. which I have included below in the 'Suggestions' section, and I think once you have those fixed, this story will be an extremely entertaining read.

I like your style of writing, it is full of life, I could really feel her absolute disbelief and confusion when he flew at her. So funny!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...straight past Jingles eyes...
Jingles should be Jingles' due to the nature of this sentence.

*Bullet*Her cold podgy fingers clasped a...
The word 'podfy' should be 'pudgy'.

*Bullet*“Oh come now jingles,
Need a comma after 'Oh', as well, the name should be capitalized.

*Bullet*she spoke impatiently “Now Jingles…stop...
Need a comma after 'impatiently'.

*Bullet*...wushu is a full contact sport!
Just need a quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*“Knock knock Janice...
Just need comma's between the 'Knock, knock, Janice'.

*Bullet*...conversation we need to have”
Just need punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* so you may call me King! He continued
The word 'so' should be capitalized, as well, need quotation mark at the end before 'He' and a comma after 'continued'.

*Bullet*"er… I bought a cat from...
First word should be capitalized.

*Bullet*“Mr Parsons? Its Janice palmer I’m cancelling today’s appointment” she said dazedly.
Her last name should be capitalized and followed by a comma or a period. Also need a comma after 'appointment' before the quotation mark.

Overall

An entertaining version of what could happen if our animals could talk to us!

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
366
366
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This chapter moves things along nicely, I think. I have been reading along through the chapters and I have to say I think it's a really great idea to introduce the seperate players the way you are. It gives the reader some insight to their personalities, as well as allows the reader to be familiar with them before their all in a group, or a scene of fast paced action. It will reduce confusion later on. Nice.

The last line of this chapter keeps teasing my mind. I'm sure it will play a part later on in the book, especially because it states that Gunter is a loyal dog. It seems to me he won't much appreciate that. *Smile* The description of him was well done and gave me a clear picture in my mind. You also gave an inclination towards his personality, stating he was on the run but innocent Nice touch, it will allow sympathy from the reader later on.

The plot line seems to be moving smoothly and the sentence structure is easy to follow. I didn't notice stumbling at all, just a good smooth read. Oh, I also wanted to mention that I really like the way you describe movement and actions from the characters. It is realistic and believable.

Suggestions

*Bullet*... pulled up to the cure,
Just a typo on the word 'curb'.

*Bullet*...as Herr Stiehl. “I assumed it would...
There is an out of place quotation mark in the middle of the sentences. It is not needed.

Another great chapter! Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
367
367
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece acts as a very nice beginning hook. It introduces us to the main character and gives a bit of an indication of her personality through the narrative, how she evades her boss' call, as well as her reaction to the mist. It seems as though she has inner strength from how she reacts, I think I may have done more than whisper. *Smile*

You have also introduced that she is sick with something. Now I'm assuming from the reference to prescription medication that this could cause her problems through the story, which will make for some great obstacles.

The sentence structure and choice of wording was really good. I didn't notice any fluctuations in the flow, it was smooth and easy to follow. I don't feel there was adequate story line yet for me to comment on the plot line, and the character development ws really good for the amount we see her.

I liked the tone of the narrative, it was well written and inviting.

I look forward to reading more. *Smile*


Suggestions

*Bullet*“Damn it. Where was it?
I'm not sure what the quotation mark is, whether this line is said out loud, or in her thoughts, but I am sure what comes after is narrative, so you might want to take it out, or add one onto the end.

*Bullet*... the doctor had prescribed from her.
I think this should be 'for her'.

*Bullet*... this latest attack had happend.
Spelling error on 'happened'. Just missing an 'e' before the 'd'.

*Bullet*She was so deep in thought that it she didn’t notice...
THere is an extra 'it' after 'that'.

*Bullet*...voice wispered "This...
The word 'wispered' should be 'whispered', as well there should be a comma after 'whispered' to lead into the sentence of dialogue.

A great start! Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~AJ Lyle~



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
368
368
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I wanted to start by letting you know I have done my homework and have read the chapters which lead up to this one. I felt it was important to do this in order to offer you a fair review, knowing what the average reader will know by this point.*Smile*

This chapter has definitely added to the tone of the novel. The plot line is moving along nicely with active scenes and descriptions. With the addition of Monday's Team will come action and suspense, and the build up towards that has been very effective.

There was a nice amount of character development in this chapter, as well. I found a gaining of respect for Daria. She is smart, which has been apparent for a while, but I get the feeling there is more to her than that. In this chapter we also see her stubborn side come out just a bit near the end. I find her to be a lively dialogue partner for Monday, as well, and the concise nature of the writing makes extra narrative around the dialogue unnecessary. Very nice.

Monday's character comes off as strong and in charge, but I have a feeling it will not get him very far with her. It is nice to see, however, she will have someone to watch her back as I am sure she will get them into some trouble along the way. His attitude towards her came out in this chapter with how much information he gave regarding his Team, as well as his tendency to change tone of speech when speaking to her.

They, as a couple, are very cute together. The chemistry is evident in the way they speak, as well as act. Nicely done.

I feel obligated to mention how well the plot line has developed since the prologue. There has been a lot of information and I find the confidence with which you write helps to explain some of the words and situations I do not fully understand, mostly due to the fact I wasn't a great history student. *Blush* The explanations have been wonderful, especially considering they do not interrupt the flow of the story.

Suggestions

I found only one thing to make a suggestion on in the area of grammar, punctuation and typo's.

*Bullet*“We have witnessed to the disinterment of your grandmother...
I believe the word 'witnessed' should be 'witnesses'.

All in all, I found this chapter to be a thoroughly enjoyable read, and am ready to continue on and see what happens next. *Smile* Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
369
369
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece posted on "Please Review"  and thought I would stop in for a read. *Smile*

The narrative tone is consistent and flows naturally. The sentence structure flows smoothly for the most part, and I found the voice to be concise and orderly, much like the character seems to be so far. There are a lot of details in this piece, especially considering the length, and I feel they were intersperced nicely and did not interrupt the flow.

The description of the room is very well done. The narrative flows nicely, the wording used is active and engaging, and I had no problem creating a visual of the area in my head. You added a few extra points in there as well, which begin to indicate the personality of the character. I often find description boring, but I read through this one with ease and interest.

The character development was good. There wasn't a whole lot of development in this part, but seeing as it is only the beginning, I feel it was definitely adequate. Using too much in the beginning would have been distracting for the reader, so in my opinion, it was well done.

The beginning paragraph did a good job of grabbing my attention and pulling me on to read more, just as it should do.

The last line worked well as a hook, urging the reader to continue on. *Smile*

I don't feel I can really comment on the plot line as of yet, because there has only really been hinting done so far. I am sure this will develop in the next sections.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*He mused to himself as he reached with his free hand to take an almost empty glass of bourbon he had poured just moments earlier. Just moments earlier however he had been having a fairly good day, which - as fate often dictated - didn't last long.

I stumbled over this section. It seems a little over complicated to me. I don't know if all this information is really necessary, but if it is, perhaps rewording it slightly or using some punctuation would help. As well, it doesn't indicate what he is musing about. When you said 'mused' I assumed it was a completed action, rather than something coming up. Here, I'm even confusing myself, so I will provide an example.
~He gathered his thoughts as he reached for the now empty glass of bourbon, the same glass he had filled only moments before. At the time, he had been having a fairly good day, which - as fate often dictated - didn't last long. This is only an example, but I believe it shows what I was talking about.

*Bullet*...and strode a few pases toward the window.
The word 'pases' should be 'paces'.

*Bullet*...he squinted his face to reduce the glare.
The word squinted indicates which body part is doing the action without needing to add 'his face'.

*Bullet*...shirt undone at top two buttons.
Add the word 'the' after 'at' to increase flow.

*Bullet*...increasingly busy hussle and bussle of the rest of the complex.
I had to verify with a dictionary because I wasn't quite sure, but I found this should be 'hustle and bustle'.

In Conclusion

All in all, a strong beginning scene. I look forward to reading more. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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370
370
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month, so I thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

Wow, this story was incredibly moving. The narrative voice was calm and clear, but with the underlying emotion of Paul's heavy heart. Very nicely done. I found I was seperate from what was happening, but I could feel how hard it was for Paul to stay back and allow Rebecca to choose her own life.

The character development was well done. I found I got to know Paul simply through his easy nature, the way he didn't react when many hot headed people would have. I had respect for him for his patience and willingness to help Rebecca, even when it was painful for him.

I think you did a very good job describing Rebecca's personality, showing how beaten down she was. Abuse is a very real thing for many, and I believe you represented the frame of mind of an abused person with realism. I liked how she began to change slowly, it is a long hard journey when one comes out of a bad situation and I think you represented that in a believable manner.

This piece had a big impact on me because I have been on the recieving end of this kind of behaviour. It was when I was younger, but I can remember how my mom acted and it was almost identical to Rebecca.

The flow of the plot line was smooth. It moved along nicely through the years, without feeling rushed in anyway. Well done.

The title suits the content well.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*... a colorful array of flowers around the house was in full bloom.
The word 'was' should be 'were' because the flowers are plural.

*Bullet*He shook himself to reality, reminded himself that she was just another assignment, and walked into the open garage.
Minor suggestion here, but using 'reminding' would make this sentence a bit more active.

*Bullet*He noticed a picture on the wall of her and her husband taken at some studio that is paid to make every family look like a happy one.
Take out 'that is' and replace it with a comma. I think it would provide a smoother flow.

*Bullet* Paul returned to the woman clearly shaken and sitting on her bed.
A comma after 'woman' would improve flow.

Overall

A powerful, emotional piece. Very well written and a joy to read.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
371
371
Review of The world  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

A thought provoking piece. Though it is mostly questions, it flows very well. There are so many things in the world which simply are and many people do not take the time to wonder why they are the way they are, simply accept it because it has always been that way. I like that you have chosen to ask these questions, it shows you have a philosophical mind. *Smile*

I enjoyed the last part, it sums the piece up well and shows the author's point of view nicely. The last line is my favorite. Even though the answers are not apparent, it is always worth trying to understand on some level.

The word choices were good, I didn't find any that I would change. *Smile*

Suggestions

One thing I noticed was that there was a tendency to ask the same question a few times, though worded differently each time. 'Who created this world?'. I think this was perhaps a purposeful thing to create a constant reminder throughout, but I found it a tad bit repetitive. However, seeing as this is my only suggestion, it goes to show how much I liked it!

Overall

A nicely written reflection on the various 'why's' of the world. I believe it will inspire your readers to reflect, and perhaps seek their own answers.

Happy Writing!

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372
372
Review of My entry  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative voice was strong and consistent, leading the reader through the piece with ease. You did a very nice job of explaining Jack's childhood and why the old house was so important to him. The character of Jack was well developed, with several indications of his personality. It's so sweet how he dreamt of Mrs. Henderson's peanut butter cookies when he was on a tour of duty. It was a good indication of what kind a man he was.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. There were enough details throughout for me to follow the transition of time and the narrative voice was exactly how I would imagine him to be. I think sometimes the narrative voice is one of the most important things when determining how a reader will react to the message within.

A wonderful ending. It wrapped the piece up nicely and left no strings dangling to interfere with the sense of completion.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*...and the only one it‘s size in the entire town.
The word 'it's' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*...where he knew Jacks would not.
'Jacks' should have an apostrophe.

*Bullet*On Sunday afternoon late following his tour of the old house,...
I stumbled on this sentence a little. I wonder if rewording the first part would help, or perhaps some punctuation.

*Bullet* Careful not to touch to much or disturb...
The second 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet*Oh what fun it would have been.
I think a comma after 'Oh' would be appropriate for this sentence.

*Bullet*...was as well built as the any new one.
The word 'the' is an extra in this sentence.

*Bullet* Inside the door, he encounter a stair...
The word 'encounter' should be 'encountered'.

*Bullet*...placed against the slopping ceiling and walls.
The word 'slopping' should be 'sloping'.

*Bullet* There were no hanging cobwebs he’d envisioned as a child.
I feel like the flow on this sentence is off. Perhaps try something like this, 'There were none of the hanging cobwebs he'd envisioned as a child.'

*Bullet* No ghosts in long white robs.
Just a typo on 'robes'.


Overall

All in all, an inspiring and emotional piece. Happy Writing!

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373
373
Review of William part:1  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hiya! This piece caught my interest so I thought I would pop in for a read and review. *Smile*


I think the plot line you have started here sounds like it will be very interesting and will have plenty of room for exploring character development, conflicts, and room for playing with narrative voice. I believe you have a solid idea with which to build this story. *Smile*

I noticed a few problem areas in the construction of this piece such as sentence structure, grammar, changes in tense, and punctuation. I have given some specific suggestions below, however, I wanted to let you know that this site has some really wonderful classes available which only require one lesson per week that could definitely help in these aspects. There is, of course, a fee payable in GPs but if you are interested in taking a course or two, let me know and I would be more than happy to help you out. *Smile* The following is a link to New Horizons. They offer a variety of courses with helpful instructors and classmates, if you would like to check it out.
"Invalid Item" 

Suggestions

*Bullet* William turns and looks at the clock "2:00 am."
You do not need to use quotation marks for the time, instead I would suggest a dash. For example,William turns and looks at the clock - 2:00 a.m.

*Bullet*another sleepless night and the headaches are becoming worse the anxiety is persistent the urge is becoming overwhelming.
This sentence rambles a bit. Adding some punctuation will eliminate this effect. For example,Another sleepless night and the headaches are becoming worse. The anxiety is persistent and the urge is nearly overwhelming.I changed the word 'becoming' in the last sentence to 'nearly' to eliminate repetitive word usage.

*Bullet*It's been weeks since the last time he's gavin in...
The word 'gavin' should be 'given'.

*Bullet*I have noticed that you change tense a bit. It is a good idea to pick one tense (past, present, future) and stick with it. In the beginning of this you use third person present tense (is, this) and then later on past tense (was, that). Personally, I find third person past the easiest to write in as it is alike to watching the story happen and telling how you see it. It also allows the writer to get involved with the character and show the reader the reactions of those around the character, even if the character himself does not notice them. It is completely up to you, the main thing is to stay consistent so the reader does not become confused.

*Bullet*Another point of interest is how often you use the name William. Try to use other ways of referring to him, such as 'he', etc. Once you describe his physical appearance you can use some of those things to indicate him as well. Technically, you only need to use the actual name once every paragraph, otherwise use he.

*Bullet* William walks to the bathroom looks in the mirror and notices lint in his hair from the sweat soaked sheets, william was always one for the rugged look his short scruffy brown hair and unshaven beard complemented that very well, only 5'10 and 165 lbs. he was a lot stronger than he looked.
In this section there are a few spots where the first word of the sentence is not capitalized. A spell checker can help with these annoying kinds of typo's. Also, I would suggest using shorter sentences in this part. For example,William walks to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and notices lint in his hair from the sweat soaked sheets. He always did like the rugged look and his short scruffy brown hair with matching facial stubble complemented the look well. He was of average height, about 5'10" and around 165 lbs., give or take. One thing for sure, he was much stronger than he looked.I did this for an example only, but I embellished a bit on what you had to provide a smoother flow. *Smile*

*Bullet*The description of the apartment is in list form and I have found this can be somewhat boring for a reader. Instead, imagine yourself in the exact spot he is in and describe it as you see it. Or, if you prefer to keep the list format then you will want to add some comma's in between the items to produce a smoother flow.

Overall

I think you have a great idea for a story and with some work and willingness to learn, you will have great success in writing it. This site is wonderful with helping out, as I am sure you will discover. *Smile* Sometimes the best tool a writer has is practice. *Wink*

Happy Writing!


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374
374
Review of Numb  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! You were kind enough to take the time to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

A powerful piece. I can honestly say I felt her desire to be wanted and loved. I felt her embarassment, and then the emptiness which invaded her after the fact. I loved your choice of wording through this piece. It was descriptive, emotional and meaningful.

The narrative tone was realistic and believable, and changed in cadence as she changed.

I have to admit, I can't fathom how you managed it in such a short piece, but I really experienced this character. I think you touched on a very real subject with this, as well. I know as a teenager I often felt rejected and in need of outside attention, and I truly feel for the girls who suffer through experiences such as this just for a place to belong. Which shows you also did a nice job of creating a piece to inspire your reader to think in a broader range than just the story itself.

The flow of the piece was done well. I didn't feel as though it was rushed, and I feel you developed each section nicely. You showed how calm her life was to begin with, and then the change of pace as she began to feel there was something missing. The ending sentence was a very nice summation of what the experience did to her.

I really enjoyed your style of writing. I found it to be concise, powerful and full of confidence. *Smile*

The title fits the content well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Weekends for for visiting grandmother...
There is a double 'for' in this sentence. I wonder if the first one should have been 'were'?

*Bullet* She saw shorter skirts on her friends, make-up on their faces, sway in their hips, pout in their lips.
I stumbled on the flow of this sentence just a little. I think rewording the last two things would help this. For example, 'She saw shorter skirts on her friends, make-up on their faces, a sway in their hips and a pout on their lips.'

*Bullet*How could they make them see her too?
I'm not sure who 'they' is referring to in this sentence. Perhaps you meant 'she'?

*Bullet*...eager to escape from the her impending breakdown.
I think if you eliminate 'from the' the flow of this sentence would be right on.

*Bullet* One last thing, I think perhaps seperating the opening paragraph into two would create a larger impact. Something to think about. *Smile*

All in all, a highly enjoyable, thought provoking piece. Very nicely done.

Happy Writing!

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375
375
Review of Eternal Riddle  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya! I found this piece posted on "Please Review"  and the description caught my attention. *Smile*

This is a very interesting piece. I am glad I stumbled upon it. The narrative voice is fresh and insightful, though I noticed a couple times where it switches from Laura to the boy in mid-paragraph. This can cause confusion for the reader sometimes.

The structure flows well, moving through the situation without backtracking, and I think you spent enough time on each point in order to make it clear to the reader what your message is with this story. I found it to be insightful and thought provoking, and I think will especially appeal to parents who have been through similar situations with their children.

The dialogue between mother and son flows well for the most part and is realistic according to their ages and situation in life. The sentence structure was fairly good, though there were a few spots I commented on below. Nothing major popped out at me in that respect.

I enjoyed reading this story. I found the tone of the piece to be light hearted and explanatory, but with the added benefit of hidden meanings for those who can relate to such questions from their children. It also allows the reader to use their own imagination with use of wording such as ' But, what are you supposed to say to all the questions that come right after it –What do you mean? What kind of riddle? What’s a devilish smile? And all those whys that will come after each and every question.' It pulls the reader into the piece at a personal level, which is always a good thing! *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet*She took a closer look to the sentence her son
I think 'a closer look at' would flow smoother and be more understandable to the reader.

*Bullet*...even she forgot where she put this away.
I think using 'it' rather than 'this' would work nicer simply because using the word 'this' can make it seem like you are jumping tenses a bit when used in narrative.

*Bullet*‘I found it on the attic.
The word 'on' should be 'in'.

*Bullet*I thought it was hers and could be my homework, but it confused me only. So, I wanted to ask you if that’s it.’
This seems a little jumbled to me. I realize this is a child speaking, but I think the grammar could be improved a little, regardless. For example,
I thought it was hers and I could use it for my homework, but then all it did was confuse me. So I wanted to ask you if it's homework or not.'

*Bullet*Laura chuckled as her son turned slightly red, from the embarrassment.
There doesn't need to be a comma in this sentence.

*Bullet*Jason apologized, but before he went back to his room to do the homework he asked her once again ‘Mom, what does that sentence mean?’ with a face of a clueless seven-year-old. Which is exactly who he is.
A couple of things here. First, this set of sentences should have its own paragraph. Only one speaker should be used per paragraph in dialogue. Second, the last sentence should be 'who he was'. The tense being used in this piece third person past tense, so using 'is' would change it to present. Third, there should be a comma after 'again' in the section, 'he asked her once again'. I would suggest rephrazing the section 'with a face of a clueless seven-year-old' to increase the ease of flow. For example, 'His face reflecting the confusion of the clueless seven-year-old he was.

*Bullet*How do you explain to your kid that sentence simply describes people?
I suggest 'How do you explain to your kid how the sentence simply describes people?' Using 'that' in the way you did caused me to stumble and have to re-read to be sure of your meaning.

*Bullet*...parent uses when he knows not what to say ‘You’ll figure it out on your own. Someday’ and smiled down to Jason.
The punctuation is a bit off on this section. It should read,
- ...parent uses when they know not what to say. "You'll figure it out on your own, someday," she told him with a smile.

*Bullet*I think you should go through this a bit looking for changes in tense. There are a few times when 'is' is used, which is present tense. If these are internal thoughts of the character, perhaps you could specify that in some way with additional clarification.


In Conclusion

All in all, the motivation for this piece is clear and the plot line reflects the message being sent. With the aid of some more editing I believe it will be an amazing read. *Smile* Happy Writing!


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