Babygirl,
This review is being done for the In-Depth Review contest currently in progress.
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Your story is surely one which can be personally identified with by scores of families around the world. Alzheimer's is a major affliction of many elderly. In reviewing this story, one of the main things I noticed is that it is written largely the way a person might talk to another if they are telling a story. In writing about it, however, because there is no "active" conversation between you and the reader, sentences need to have both variety and "tight" writing.
Having said that, I would like to start by doing a re-write on just your first paragraph so you can compare it to yours, and then I'll make some comments and delve into your story further. I would suggest you first read my re-write of it and then go back to see where and how I've altered individual sentences within that paragraph- to include punctuation.
There are several paragraphs (three in particular that I noticed) in which you use a good amount of descriptive words and those were excellent in painting a more active picture of the story. After you have made corrections to this story, I would strongly suggest you re-read it as if you had never read it before, to see where you could liven up some of the other paragraphs as well.
All in all, if I had not been reviewing and editing it, the story is quite gripping and it was a lovely family that Jake and his wife had raised.
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My re-write of your first paragraph...
"Jake eased back into his recliner and closed his eyes. He could hear Mary in the kitchen, humming an old song as she made them lunch. The tune sparked a treasured memory from long ago. It had taken years of hard work to save the money needed to build their dream home and horse ranch. The night they moved in, they had danced in the living room to an old love song. Jake remembered how they looked back then, so full of life and energy. Over the years, their love had grown into something very special and rare. He remembered the birth of their three children and the joys and trials of raising them in this house. Now they were all grown and long gone from home, so Jake and Mary had gone full circle and were alone once again."
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Now I'll work down through your story, paragraph by paragraph and comment. Where I am pointing out a portion of your writing, that will always be in bold type.
The use of dialogue is an excellent way to tell a story and I was delighted to see you use a liberal amount of it. Dialogue helps to bring out the personality of the individuals and breaks up the "telling" portion.
Beginning in the second paragraph, where Mary had asked him a question and he is now replying. ‘Jake took her hand and said, "That song...." The words, "and said" are unnecessary and do not need to precede his answer. Just put a period after "hand".
After Mary goes back into the kitchen. "It made her want to cry sometimes to see how Jake had changed over the years." In everyday conversation we frequently say something makes us mad, angry, fearful, etc. but in reality nothing MAKES us do, think or feel anything so that phrase "It made her..." should be avoided. Better to say something like, "To see how Jake had changed over the years often triggered a stream of hot tears from her eyes." At the end of that paragraph, rather than saying "She wondered if it.." I would replace "wondered" with something a little stronger to convey her worry, such as "She feared it was Alzheimer's..."
In answer to Jake's comment about only having three children, "Mary went and sat down beside him and said..." Once again, "and said" is redundant because the reader can see
she is conversing with him. You also need a comma after "honey" in that next sentence. "No honey, we have..."
After she names each of the children and talks about the ring, "Look at my mother's ring ." While I and probably most reader's will properly understand what you are saying, to write "my mother's ring" would be saying the ring that belongs to your mother. You can fix that by saying, "Look at this mother's ring you bought me".
In response, "Jake was close to tears and said,.." By now you can probably guess what I am going to say, – delete the "and said".
"Mary held her husband close to her and said." The reader knows who she is with and this would better be said, "Mary held him close, sharing his pain." Then continue on with what she tells him. Also put a comma after "You know, ..." (**At this point I will no longer point out all the times you use "and said" and will just encourage you to look for the many instances where you use it and make changes.)
In response to Jake's plea that Mary not tell the children he forgot two of them, where she says, "You don't have to worry, I won't tell them that..." That sentence is a bit awkward. I think it would maybe read better to have her reply, "Don't you worry about that, and I'll be right here..."
You need a comma in this sentence, "When she made the call, the nurse..."
Note: This next paragraph is way too long and needs to be split up. Perhaps where they got home from the doctor's office would be a good spot to do that.
"When they got to Dr.Davis' office the next day," leave out (the next day) . The nurse had already told them on the phone to come in the next day.
Same paragraph, a few sentences later, "I need you to go over to the hospital..." Take out "I need" Just start out with "You need to go..." Same sentence, "and be back here in the morning for me to give you the results – this is too wordy. Better to say, "...and come back tomorrow morning for the results."
Same paragraph, need a comma after "got the CAT scan"
"He knew in his heart that he has Alzheimer's..." Will read better to say he knew in his heart that "it was" Alzheimer's. Then, instead of saying it was confirmed in the doctor's office just say "and the next day the doctor confirmed it."
"When they got home Mary got online..." Got home/got online? Change the second one to "went" online.
I also have a problem with Jake losing it in the barn (which is totally realistic) but then abruptly getting "his act together". I would like to see his transition be more realistic as in him feeling defeated and "spent" after the energy he spent ranting and raving. And then, feeling hopeless about his situation, he could realistically still do something of a positive nature in the barn.
"Mary cried and beat up a pillow and cried some more." Take that first "and" out and replace it with a comma. Also, more description than a simple "beat up a pillow" would be advisable. She is completely distraught at this point, having held it together the best she could for Jake. Let the reader "feel" her emotions here. What did she do with the pillow? Punch it until she finally buried her face into it sobbing uncontrollably? Slam it against the wall?
See how you can paint a more vivid picture of this for the reader. :)
Likewise, "She made herself calm down..." Just like the scene with Jake, this makes it seem like she flipped a switch to make herself calm once again. Instead, show her emotion here – ok she is cried out for now, perhaps says a quick prayer, and regains her composure so she can once again be strong for Jake.
As they are lying on the bed together, "get through all this together one day at a time." Mary said. Need a comma after "together" and delete "Mary said."
After they head down to the kitchen where they had "sandwiches and faced the computer again." That reads a bit awkwardly. A suggestion would be they had "sandwiches before returning to the computer again."
In the next sentence, "...I trust Davis but..." If you were referring to a good friend who is a doctor that might be fine, but you should really refer to him here as " Dr. Davis". I would also suggest ending that sentence after "opinion" and begin a new one with his question to Mary. "Do you think....."
"...will you promise me something? Promise me..." the first "promise me" is ok but leave it out of the second one and simply write "Please don't ever shut me out again..."
After going online they, "found a doctor about a hundred miles away that deals with it." A better word than "found" would be to say they "learned of a doctor..." and rather than "deals with it." try "that specializes in the disease."
"...and the got him an appointment for that afternoon." I'd like to see less of telling the facts and more of the emotions in these people. Something like, "...and was delighted (or excited) to learn there was an opening that very afternoon." See the difference?
After the second examination, "months to years" should be "months and years." Next sentence, ....it was painful for them "both to listen to" – simply say "both to hear"
"I don't know what else to tell you except here's a packet of info on your illness." A bit awkward. That word "except" makes it seem like the doctor has told them all he knows and is now handing this packet to them to learn more. Maybe if you would write that differently, as in "I don't know what else to tell you, but here is a very informative packet filled with facts on the disease that you can take home."
Next paragraph, "...and they sat there in silence..." to "...where they sat in silence..."
Next paragraph – "lets treat..." Should be "let's treat" as in [let us]. And once again where you wrote, "lets make..."
Down a few sentences, instead of "Jake softly said..." "Jake spoke softly..."
Where they have gone out to eat... "They had steaks with potatoes and had a glass or two of wine." "They both had steak with potatoes and a glass..." The didn't each eat more than one steak. Leave out that second "had".
"...didn't know what condition he's going to be in for Christmas." They didn't know what condition "he would be in..." Reason: they are in the present thinking into the future.
While shopping you say Mary had to remind Jake of "several of them" – several what? Children? Make that clear there.
Next para. – "...the kids got there Jake and Mary... Need a comma after "there"
Next para - "now that he was dying.." I have a real problem with that word "dying". While Alzheimer's is a disease that only progressively gets worse, scores of people live a very long time with it so it isn't something he is actively "dying" of. Why not say, "now that he knew the disease could eventually rob him of the very memory of them,..."
Next para. - wording is very awkward here. "Daniel had been sitting in the living room talking to Jake about some old horse that was special to Jake when he noticed that his dad didn't remember the horse." Compare how I would suggest it be written to hopefully see what I mean. "Daniel was sitting in the living room, talking to his dad about an old horse that had been one of Jake's favorites, when he realized his father no longer even remembered the horse!"
Another awkward sentence. "Jake asked that after they got the kids down for the night that they needed a family meeting." Try "Jake asked his children to attend an important family meeting after they got their kids down for the night"
When the family meeting begins, "You know we don't keep secrets in this family so I wont keep this from all of you but I don't know how to tell you this." This sentence needs a comma "all of you, but..."
"Guys I have Alzheimer's and its in its late stages." Comma after "Guys," (Basically, anywhere you would pause when speaking is where you will need a comma.) Secondly, "its in its late stages" .....it's in the latter stages"...would be preferred. Note the apostrophe needed in ("it's" = it is) in the ...."
Just wondering, is there a reason why you have him saying the disease is in it's latter stages when the doctor had said it was in the middle stage?
In the para. where Jake has decided to remain living at home – "If dad wanted to live the rest of his days here then ..." (Need a comma after "then" and again after "admit this" in next sentence.)
Sounds a bit awkward. - "Then they all moved to the porch to talk and some to smoke." Perhaps, "Then .....to talk where it was alright to smoke."
"till its his time..." Should be (it's) his time. - as in "it is".
In the para. about Joseph, the hired man. "keep the ranch up." While I know what you're saying, the use of "up" is not the best word. I would try, "tend to the ranch."
Very next sentence, comma after "breakfast".
Need a space between the names in the sentence following that one.
Next paragraph, need a comma after "tearful goodbye".
Where he is talking to his daughter Kelly. "I love you more than I can tell you and you are very precious to me." One too many "you's" in that sentence. Leave out the second one and make it "I....than I can words can tell, and you are very precious to me."
Then they sat back down "and was talking" should be "and were talking"
Awkward sentence here. "We can hire some people and not have to pay out a whole lot because we got the long-term care insurance." My suggestion, "We can get in-home health care because we have insurance to help cover that."
Comma after "yes" in Mary's reply about handling the money.
Next sentence, need a comma after "shoulders" and spelling error in "assets" where you have typed "assetts".
End of that paragraph. "either.ok." You are ending it with a question but "ok" doesn't fit well tagged on after "either". Need to make a small change there, like... "either. Okay?" Or ask, "Is that agreeable?"
Need a comma after "sir" in the next sentence.
Need two commas here along with an apostrophe – "Dad, if it's ok with you, whatever ..." Again, think where you would give a slight pause if speaking this sentence and "if it's ok with you" is called a "prepositional phrase" which in layman's terms is like tucking an extra thought into a sentence that is already a complete sentence without it.
I know sentence structure can be very difficult so please do not get discouraged. I just feel I must do my best to review it thoroughly.
Next paragraph. "The whole next week Kelly and Dana were so busy that if they didn't have lists they would have forgotten everything." Wording here is a bit awkward and needs some punctuation. Comma after "week" and then re-word the rest of the sentence. A suggestion would be... " The whole next week, Kelly and Dana were so busy they had to work from a list of things to do, so nothing would be forgotten."
Where you said a "dozen ladies" had been interviewed. While the majority of CNA's are women, I can foresee a male CNA (if one should happen to read the story) take offense at that. I have worked with several men in nursing homes and hospitals so would suggest changing that to "a dozen applicants" to cover the gender issue.
"Between Kelly and Dana everything got done for their dads care." Comma after Dana, and an apostrophe needed in "dad's"
Comma after "task" in next sentence.
A few sentences later, need a comma after "left on their last day"
This sentence doesn't flow well. "The last one he had Henry was there with him and it lasted for two whole days of Jake not knowing where he was or anybody around him except Mary." – It is way to long to have no punctuation and should also be re-worked. I'd suggest starting the sentence out with Henry. "Henry was there when he'd had his last episode and it lasted two full days, with Jake unaware of where he was or who anyone was except for Mary."
Need a comma after "there" in the last sentence of that paragraph.
Comma after "fun" in the next paragraph.
Comma after "time with their families" in last sentence of the paragraph.
"At about five Daniel was hungry..." "At about 5 a.m., Daniel was hungry..."
In the next sentence, instead of "made him" it should be "made himself..."
And ...need a comma after "Meanwhile" in the next sentence.
Then where Daniel comes back to find his dad missing, you have "and woke up everyone in the house and called..." Use only that last "and". Delete the first one by writing, ".....find his father missing, woke (up - not needed) everyone in the house and called..."
Next paragraph needs a comma after "Meanwhile"
Same sentence - rather than say Jake slowed down "because" I would use the word "when".
Somewhat awkward sentence here - "He was so cold all of the sudden and curled up around himself to keep warm." An alternative – "Suddenly he was aware of how cold he was, and curled up on the ground to keep warm."
"...calling Jakes name..." Need an apostrophe - Jake's
"...was deep into the forest..." The word should be "were" instead of "was".
Need a comma after "..got no response"
Need a capital E on "everybody".
"...but, he was long gone by them." Typo of "them" instead of "then" but I would change that to simply say, "but, it was too late."
Need an apostrophe in "Daniel's arms"
"paramedics went to get jakes body" Capitalize the name and need an apostrophe also – "...Jake's body"
Last paragraph. "Henry and his wife and..." Leave out the first "and" .. "Henry, his wife and..."
Hope that helps.
Judy
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