Overall- I loved this entire piece and this isn't the kind of thing I like. Your quick wit and timing went a long way in my enjoyment.
I didn't notice any punctuation errors. It flowed really well and kept the pace up. I love it when other writers can present something quick paced and well done.
My favorite part is: "Johnny? Slim? What the hell are the two of you doing in those idiotic masks? And what are you thinking, grabbing my arms like that? s***, this is New York. You guys are lucky I didn't kill you." Jessie's pale blue eyes narrowed, but she was raised in Brooklyn, and nothing really fazed her.
The question of a novel is; do you have other escapades these two can go on?
I think they work well as a team, so a chapter might work, otherwise add to it and make a longer and equally excellent short story or novella.
Great writing. You should be published! Have you read Myles? wonderful stuff
Kat
Beautifully written with a lot of heart. I love the idea that the spirit is in you, to rise above the pain.
To rise above the pain
To go forth with life
My spirit will never be broken
My very favorite part, keep writing.
Kat
That was a lovely tribute to a hard working mother who inspired and loved her children and passed those qualities on to them. I am so glad that your Mom is still alive to know how you feel about her. This piece flowed with smooth verse. I enjoyed it very much.
Reminds me of my own Mom I lost five years ago. We were close and I miss her every day.
Keep writing,
Kat
Beautifully written and so true. I feel the same way about my poems and stories. I have children and these are my children also. Every time I have made a change that an experienced writer gave me, it helped the story.
Poetry is different. I hesitate to correct poetry since there are no set rules and it is so subjective. The only changes I suggest is to drop words that aren't needed.
Thanks for writing this-it helped me a lot.
Kathie
This is a fine tribute to your Mom. I am so glad that she died with a smile on her face. I like the way you wrote this with the interchange between the two of you.
Hope to see you writing more soon.
Kat
I am so sorry for what happened but you obviously had something else in mind when you wrote this piece. First of all, this made me cry. I have felt like an outsider many times and those are often people that are caregivers and others are takers. This poem flows beautifully, you put a lot of emotions into it.
The sound of crushing metal.
The sight of blood.
The sound of screams.
The sight of death.
I could just see this all happening.
You know, this would be a great short story also. I have done that with poems.
Who was the guy with the white rose? You need to tell us more.
Keep writing
Kat
I liked this poem but had a problem with the words you used, so the images I saw were not as lovely as they could be.
Crunchy flakes: season's leaves of red and orange
white dust: dusting of snowflakes
mounds: hills
I love the heaven part and the hot days kiss my skin
See it is a matter of opinion.
Keep writing,
Kat
This was difficult to do.Great writing for a poor turtle. I used to win some of the AOLInstant stories 250 word contests occasionally that we had a prompt for. I wish AOL still did that. I do like those type of contests.
Keep writing and thanks for all your help.
Kathie
This was a great read, full of suspense with twists and turns. I had to read it twice it was so good and I didn't want to miss anything. The idea was so perfectly evil. What an imagination you have. My very favorite horror book is "It" by King and the movie, this reminded me of those. If you have never read King's book on Writing-do so. It was wonderful and full of good points.
You have a real gift as a writer.
One thing you might want to change and I saw this in a couple places-a vacillation between caring and love of his craft.
Did you mean to?
Like the following
They each shot a glare towards me that could shatter souls. Their faces were now bloody and mangled, just as I left them. It was nice to see my work again.
This cold blooded killer felt that glare that could shatter souls. Then he repeats how much he likes his work.
Just thought I would mention. Killers generally are anti-social and don't care or perhaps this guy is a psychotic killer and his emotions are all over the place.
Keep writing.
Kat
Excellent poem. I have read the Diaries of Lisa Lansing and I am a little lost . I guess I will have to go back and reread . You are a wonderful writer.
Kat
This is wonderful writing. You have a real passion for it. I would have given it a 5.0
except for the typo meak (meek is what you mean, I think)
You have a real gift.
Kat
This is a very exciting story, complete with suspense and frightening details about the storm. I am going to assume this is true and am very happy that you and your sister were both found safe from this damaging storm.
Write on.
Kat
Nicely written. You and I share a interest in the South and Civil War times. Please come and visit my port. You will find some similar poems and stories there.
Confederate crimes in secrets kept
Their history in graveyards slept
While mothers more than often weep
Of their children's death-lament
The awful atrocities done to slaves and then even post war. You really got it right. The flow is good and I don't have any suggestions.
Kat
This was a refreshing way of looking at how greedy we are, never have that magic pill to make it all right. I think we are terrible children much of the time and a Creator would get really tired of it all.
I didn't see any errors and the flow was even.
Very well written piece. Made me think.
Kat
This poem reminds me of my nursing orientation through psychiatry and those locked doors closed behind me. I feel very panicky in your piece. We all seem to hold a afterlife in most religions to have hope. It couldn't be nothing? By the end, those last lines, I could take in that deep breath-it's ok. Something is beautiful but are we talking outer beauty? How we do measure what life has to be to make us comfortable.
A poem to make one think. Great.
You are talented!
Kat
This poem is beautiful, a growing talent swirls through it bringing it from the beginning to a wonderful end. Like life, every day is a mixture of the best and the worst, depends of what you want to see. I like the progression seen here
Something strange has happened
There is a new feeling
The terror has been replaced
A dead calm has risen
A peace within this light.
The light dims
An abrasion of my fingertips
Against solid earth
I can see again
And with sight, I view the sky.
You give birth with these two stanzas along.
Keep it up.
Kat
How I agree with this well written, full of truth and calling for action poem. I think you covered it all and did it extremely well.
Sad sight, so many flags draped over coffins never seen.
The sinister lies that filled them burried deep beneath such patriotic sheen.
Human losses well disguised, and media filtered from our collective eyes,
By corporate puppet leaders, whose agendas we must now despise.
I have 2 sons in the Army-one that was wounded in Iraq while in a Humvee and just had surgery in Germany. Do you know that a Purple Heart is only awarded to visible injuries, so a blown eardrum, or back injury from carrying 80 pounds for miles might disable you but no recognition. That goes for PTSS (Post traumatic Stress Syndrome). A friend of my son's had blackouts and would just start firing. It took a couple of weeks to pull this soldier so he could get help.
Sad,sad war. My wounded son (at 25) with wife and child went because he believed now he is glad to be coming home even with a disability. The other hasn't seen war yet but he is a flight controller (Army Reserves now was a Sgt in Marines) He also is late 20's with BA Degree, working on his Masters. Has a wife and 2 kids.
I want this thing to stop tomorrow. I share your prose.
Kat
This is wonderful, there are so many lines that I loved that I can not count them. I have never read 'The Gunslinger' although I have read King's other books. He gets a bad rap from critics but the public love him. He wrote a book on writing that helped me more than any other eriting textbook.
Keep up the wonderful cornucopia of words that linked together with characters turn a mediocre story into a masterpiece.
Kat
Yes, I can sure relate! I saw this happen with my Mom.
Both my brothers totally ignored her after Dad died. I, the lone daughter and an RN, looked after her. She developed Alzheimers and I was happy when God closed her eyes after 4 years. She was at peace, since she didn't even know me any more.
Your poem resonates with truth, it flows, and no errors seen. I like the idea of Voices. First so many, every child needs you. Then they call for holidays and come to our place on the lake to swim and fish and ski. As you need them, you have to beg, You lose your best friend and if you don't find another outlet, you follow close.
Tell your family how lonely you are-sometimes they don't think about it, just busy. You are a great poet.
Hugs,
Kat
Sorry this happened to you but experiences do give us plenty to write about. You did a good job of writing this piece. I am sure the pain had to be terrible at times. Being a nurse and having been in my share of nursing homes, I can not imagine spending 3 months there. I commend you. I watched my Mom die in one a few years ago and it was a wonderful church run home. I have to say it is the first home that has not smelled like urine. Most of the staff is underpaid and do the best they can.
Like I said, thank goodness we can write from our experiences though. I have filled a few notebooks with personal experiences in the form of stories and poems.
Keep writing.
Kat
This story kept me glued up until the end. Being an RN I was sure that a stroke was the culprit but you didn't talk about headache or numbness just confusion. You did a wonderful job of writing about this terrible time for you. Thank God you had good on-line friends. I am so glad that you are able to make decisions now. Thanks for sharing your story in great detail.
Kat
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