You have the gift of words that create images. This is a wonderful piece. I see that you are locked safely in your castle. I don't see any mistakes. It is hard to rhyme well without grasping a word "just because it rhymes". You have pulled it off.
Write on.
Kat
This is a lovely poem. I love poetry about the innocence of children and want to cry over the sadness of it being taken away.
My favorite part is
flying on newly formed wings
which might, in time, grow strong
or be broken by simply losing
the purity and innocence never seen since
in a child's eyes
Write on
Kat
I see your trees as a truthful symbol of death except for the moon, which is amazing and true. Very well done.
And now the moon
Hangs in better judgment,
And glistens among the stones
That used to be flowers.
And for hours, after hours
Speaks with awesome discourse
Of that poise,
Which was swept away into eternity
By the cool breath of nature.
This is a very true reflection of life. Amazing how music brings us all together because iif the songwriter is real and prolific he\she can relate people to each other through the written word. I remember leaving a U2 concert and spontaneously we began singing "I will Follow". You have captured this.
Kat
What a realistic and moving story. You had me right there with every moment, the decisions and indecisions and then the change of character right before the final test. I love the beginning and ending also. This is short story writing at it's best-not too many or too few words just enough to keep the interest of the reader. Excellent!
Write on.
Kat
Very intense-I had to read it three times. Your descriptions of the child caught in the undertow were very real. That has always been a fear of mine. I thought perhaps this is a panic attack or the way this woman feels around this one person. Either way it is very well written.
Maybe she is a mermaid, and she has found her place here under the sea…I loved this positive ending and maybe beginning.
Of course the "fine, and how are you?" was perfect.
Well done.
Write on.
Kat
I can relate to this so well with four grandchildren under the age of 5, they are an absolute joy. I feel sorry for those who do not have them. James,2, just left my lap after eating yogurt and watching Sesame Street. It is nap time and then we will explore the pond and new gifts of nature in the yard.
You are a wonderful writer that can place your reader in the story, feeling the emotions.
I love to read your tales of being a grandfather. I believe children are truly old souls in so many ways. Ii we take the time to watch and listen, what wonderful lessons we can learn from them about life. Write on!
Yours in grand parenting discoveries,
Kat
You have talent. I enjoyed this sad but intriguing story. A girl who had dreams and cares so much she has to use a different name each night. She is on auto-pilot and at the end-I have the feeling she might help someone that came to the city for excitement and would have found depraved souls instead.
Keep writing-you are good. I did find several punctuation and spelling errors or I would have given you a higher rating.
Write on! I want to know more about this girl's life. Does she get out or fall into drugs?
Kat.
Welcome to Writing.com
I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a heart wrenching poem that will touch any reader with heart. If a person has experienced loss and the final words have never been said, they will recognize this.
There were no errors that I saw.
Your writing is stunning. The 'touch into expanse of melancholy' "seeing doesn't come without light'
The final two stanzas bring your loss to a close. I do love the last one. From one who knows, you never quite get over the loss but the storm does quiet.
Heaven has applauded your return
while I have mourned your departure.
Is there any resolve in me to go on?
You have left it with me.
Your life, your love, your perseverance;
that is what will see me through.
Thanks Dad.
First, Welcome to Writing..com
2nd, I hope that you are not as miserable as the girl in your poem. No guy is so great that he deserves any girl to feel bad about herself. You really make your reader feel the emotion.
I'm sorry I can't be your princess,
All wrapped up in imaginary lace.
I loved the above lines. You have talent. You might just work on taking some words out of your lines. It might make the poem more intense.
Keep writing.
Kat
Glad to see you writing here at Writing. Com
I enjoyed your poem. I think you might want to work on punctuation. I took a couple stanzas of your poem and made changes with () .
Poetry is very forgiving and you did a great job with rhyming. But, if you start using punctuation, then you should continue.
I don't think you needed the (and watched). But that is a personal thing.
The world was forever changed(,)
(o)One beautiful clear night(.)
A baby boy was born,
He was born to make us right(.)
Both his fathers stood by( and watched)
(a)As his mother concentrated so(.)
This was a most important event(.)
He came to defeat our foe.
This is a really good essay. You have touched on a lot of important points. I hope people will get a lot out of what you are saying.
I did not find a lot of errors just a few and they were punctuation-you do capitalize L (Life, Love) words and I guess that is to emphasize the most important things.
Thanks for the read..
Write on,
Kat
I like this poem but am a little confused when you say
When you call you take everything inside.
When you call you leave it all on the line.
It sounds like you love her so much and she is leaving you but then she calls and I am not quite sure what she says to you-is it painful or loving?
Poems are sometimes only supposed to make sense to the person who writes them.
Or maybe, the person who reads them :)
It is a good poem with even flow.
Keep writing!
Kat
After high school will be an exciting time for you. You still have plenty of time to chose what you want. Best of luck to you.
Your poem needs some rhyme and punctuation. In several places you have ' to' when it should be' too'.
Keep writing.
Kat
I love the way you begin this with eternal wonders of nature and then our short lived man made "treasures".
You follow with inspirational words, metaphors and similes but you lose consistency with your punctuation. The use of all capitals at the beginning of lines and then periods in some places and not others detract from a good piece of writing, in my opinion.
I would read it over and then see what you think.
Have a great day and keep writing.
Kat
She couldn't have done it any worse. This is the way you start this story and it doesn't make sense. But despite numerous punctuation errors, you have a sweet story. There are many places (not just your thoughts) that need proper grammar.
I really think it has the potential to be a good story. Just go back and read it from the beginning. and change your punctuation.
There is a great book called 'Elements of Style' by E. B. White that I use all the time.
Keep writing, you have the talent for telling a story.
Kat
The emotion in this story is it's highlight. The way you write is the way it was taught to you but you could take a writing class. The plot and characters are fine but your story needs spacing so it will stand out more.
All and all I really enjoyed it. Is this true? This lady is someone I admire for her tenacity and truth. I hope her journey has a happpy ending.
Kat
I really loved this story and it's characters who all come to life. The brother's relationship is great. I liked the beginning when Bill didn't want to hear the story told. You have done a great job of entertaining. The ghost was perfect, even trying to help as you would imagine a grandma ghost would.
I didn't see any errors in punctuation or spelling.
Keep writing.
Kat
The beginning of this reminded me of "The Tale of Two Cities". What a wonderful imagination you have! Of course, considering your Bio Block this is all right up your bug tower. Thanks for the entertaining short read.
Kat
What a wonderful and unusual character. I enjoyed every word of this story, the characters come to life on the page and you are a terrific storyteller. Thanks for sharing with all of us. The accent was was interesting and marvelously written. I will have to come back to your port again. Congratulations and continue to amuse and enthrall us with your stories and remarkable characters. Keep writing!
Kat
You had me on the edge of my seat, chewing my nails and refusing to go to the bathroom before I had finished. Have you been a victim of a disaster? I can't imagine the detail that someone could bring to a story if you had not. I compliment you.
Wonderful writing!
Kat
I loved this and it is true. When my Mom was in a retirement home I would watch these old guys get as much sugar and flirting as they could. Here in the South, kisses are sugar. Women are 90% to 10% in most of these places. Some even shacked up , said they didn't need marriage any more and sure didn't want their SSA to go away. All you need here is spell check.
I want to be that old man
Missed by the uncreated
Even less than his soul-he had put to words
Through and over as many years.
That was my favorite.
Kat
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