~Hi~ Cary, and ~Welcome~ to Writing.Com. An entertaining bio and port.
Interesting presentation and absorbing writing!
It appeals to the senses. The reader can see the flames dancing to their own beat, hear the invitation to dance to its crackling melody, feel its warmth crawling up the body, only to chill as its power drains.
I'm not sure what the squiggly line offers your writing. Yes, I love using it too, but I personally think it is distracting in your writing. I suggest opting for more conventional punctuation. But, that's only one vote, thus far.
Some very creative lines...my personal favorites are:
The thick of the oak logs grow weak.
The chill of the room sobers my blood
I just know that one visit to your port will never be enough.
Well, thank you very much for the goosebumps and the strong urge to look over my shoulder as I type out this r&r!
The story is chilling. Your choice of words to describe the fear, panic and self questioning are quite visual. The closed bathroom door...did she close it? A believable reaction being awakened by fright in the middle of the night. The open window? It is stated that she never opens the windows at night. Personally, I feel this is too absolute a statement to support her reaction of not even bothering to at least close and/or lock the window before leaving the room.
I particularly liked the lines...
She heard a door open in the night. She heard it creaking slowly open, and then she heard footsteps running. They coil the reader's imagination. Then instantly they are able to sigh in relief with the next sentence. I feel you could prolong the reader's anxiety by altering this sentence to read something like The footsteps were light and those of a child.
Just a few other comments...
Amber pulled the child in close to her and took a few deep breaths trying to scare out the fear inside.
Her voice succeeded in covering the fear.
room, shestopped,
Overall, a scary read that entices me to visit your "Chasm of Chaos" folder again!
~Hello~ Enchantress. Congratulations on your winning bid in "Invalid Item" , and thank you for bidding on my donation.
Your story is charming. It captures the essence of a child's imagination...her curiosity about the worm family, her apprehension of the ugly bug with lots of legs, her dreams of a castle just over that mountain.
I particularly liked the story about the peas being lost souls.
You've managed to entwine many different memories/dreams into the tale of one afternoon in the garden planting seeds, yet the story stays focused and concise.
The spelling is impeccable. There is one line, however, that didn't read very clear to me. Perhaps there is a missing word or needed punctuation?
As she continued down the row she noticed that not only the ground was there dirt but there was this whole universe of bugs and worms.
One other mention is the reuse of words in the first two paragraphs. Although it doesn't detract from the story, it was noticeable...at least to me. The word, 'road', is used twice in your opening lines and the word, 'flower', is repeated three times in the following paragraph. Perhaps substituting 'road' with street or curve in second sentence? And maybe bloom, blossom or plant instead of 'flower', or deleting 'flower' and just refer to her garden.
~Hello~ Red. This is quite a chilling tale, written with an abundance of descriptive words. Overall, it is an interesting read.
I'd like to share some of my personal thoughts:
In verse two, I feel the repetitive use of 'angry' detracts from the writing. Perhaps something like 'Boiling blood through burning, passionate, impassioned or ignited veins.'
In verse three, the usage of 'yearning' to begin two lines is quite effective.
'Limping over, falling over to that sweet window pane,' This is my least favorite line in your poem. To me, it sounds like you should be limping or falling over something to get to the window. Also, ending this line and the next in window pane detracts from the image. Maybe rearranging to use glass or casing instead in one of the lines?
In verse six, you refer to a soft, gentle fire which burns with laughter and mockery. Two contradicting lines Maybe adding the word, 'Suddenly'...Suddenly burns with laughter, etc.
In the last two lines, Closing shut/Pulling shut, to me, detracts from the creative ending to your writing.
Closing that curtain...
That curtain on my life.
Sorry if I sound overly critical; not my intention. I just feel this poem has so much merit that I couldn't resist adding my two cents worth, oh alright, dime's worth of thoughts. And, that's all it is...my personal thoughts.
~Hello~ PixyStix, and welcome to Writing.Com. I'm so glad I meandered into your port tonight and read this writing you shared with us.
The thought behind it is assuring, refreshing and sincere.
Your poem is an easy read, good rhyme, and engaging message. Personally, I feel the presentation detracts from your message. I suggest single spacing with double spacing between the verses...but just my point of view.
First off, Lizzy, welcome to Writing.Com. Seems you have certainly settled in with an excellent rounded port!
Since I personally enjoy a leisurely stroll through our local art museum, I enjoyed your words about sharing the experience with your children. Unfortunately, I can't analyze the paintings, merely relish each stroke of artistic sensitivity.
Of course, I interpret your writing in my own mind and thus loved the comparison to the wild, captured animals in the zoo to the wild, freely expressed, yet captured and framed brilliance of the artists displayed.
The ending was colorful ... allowing children to experience their own creativity. Inspired by what they had viewed, without realizing that they actually devoured a bit of creativity from viewing the art that roams freely, although captured in frames, to feed the imagination.
~Greetings~ married girl, and welcome to Writing.Com. Just a gentle reminder to create your 'Bio Block' in your port as a little welcome to anyone who happens to drop by.
I love the thoughts and love you put into your writing. You've undertaken a very touchy subject and created a sensitive writing about treasuring a life created far too soon...babies having babies.
My personal suggestions ..
Spell out the ages beginning each line or add "Age 14," Approaching 15," "At 16." I also feel it would read a tad better, for example, as "Age 14, she's dating. Should wait.", etc.
"most luckiest" Delete the most?
Also, period after rewarding in last line.
Great thoughts that I feel just needs a little editing. Please let me know if you choose to edit, I would love to r&r again!
~Hello~ fountainman. A metaphoric filled poem to triumph your writing skills, although a tragic writing subject!
Now, for my personal thought ...
Pull me The rest of your writing is so strong and so emotional that I feel this line is rather a feeble beginning. Words that come to mind are perhaps wrench, pluck, tear?
And muscles find
Lock These two lines left me puzzled.
Loved these very descriptive lines ...
Let your fingers
Find purchase in
The emerald green
Sod of memory
To tear loose this lush
Foliage that blankets
My prison
Shell, thank you for sharing your personal growing up memories about your son, plus your fears and pride of your son, our loved and appreciated military man.
What a handsome young man and beautiful family! It seems they'll be young forever and then you blink...and they've grown.
Your tender words have expressed, I'm sure, the fear and thoughts of every family who has had to send off a son, daughter, husband, wife, cousin, friend, etc. to the war. But, your tender words have also touched the heart and soul of folks such as myself who can only offer prayers for those faces we see on the news everyday and their families.
Blessings to you, your son, and your family. Your son is our hero and we thank him!
As always, your storoem was a delight to read. Who would have guessed you could cover THAT many years in so few lines?
Seriously, you've done a splendid job of not only revealing the many splendid accomplishments in your
own life but also provided a stroll down memory lane for other 'over the hill' baby boomers.
Twisting details from your own life with flashes from headlines creates an interesting read. Your last stanza reveals a sobering thought...our lives have changed so much, yet so much has stayed the same.
~Hello~ Pandemonium. A very touching story full of hope for the future of Grace and her young mother. The storyline is very uplifting.
Since you specifically requested some editing help...here goes. Please remember most are are my personal suggestions other than a few grammatical errors I noticed.
I am ashamed to say just how naive.
I suppose I was just craving attention I never experienced.
My parents were forever fighting and struggling to pay the rent. I was left to fend for myself in the big bad world with no guidance.
Perhaps that is the reason why he seemed like such a blessing.
You state you have no home to go to...this, to me, makes you sound homeless. Perhaps revising to relate to family? The others workers are going home to family and I have no one to go home to.
The thought angers me and I feel my heart clench. I don't think these are words you expressed, but perhaps rather thoughts.
As soon as the thoughts escaped my mind, I recalled my own mother calling me a
and promptly disowning me.
“About five months,” I mutter
empathy, and not disgust or
She looks at me one last time
There is a little person growing in there; a little me.
Note: five months seems rather far into a pregnancy to consider abortion other than for serious medical concerns?
laughter over the jokes
have not thought about.
it appeals to me.
My saving Grace. Since your child, Grace, will be your saving grace, I would capitalize.
Your story is very heartwarming and has so much possibility, once some of the grammatical errors and questions are addressed.
I like your brief description of your writing...certainly describes our existence right now.
Your writing depicts the beauty that can be found in God's creations.
Just a couple of personal observations:
Graciously dance by our eyes every day To me, this reads like the flowers are physically moving. Perhaps, dance before or dance for.
Ignored by ships, destinations unknown Personally, I find it hard to follow your thoughts here. I think more along the lines of the ocean dotted with ships, patterned with ships, plagued with ships.
A visual writing...particularly liked "dew dipped to sparkle."
~Hi~ Kelly and welcome to Writing.Com. Reading your port's bio block, I think you've made a LOT of progress here at Writing.Com.
~Kudos~ for sharing your expertise on improving reviewing techniques. It's always helpful to read writings about giving reviews from different viewpoints, as I need all the help I can get.
I particularly liked your mention of focusing on one of our reviewer strengths and reviewing from that perspective. Review templates are a wonderful tool that I have noticed many reviewers using to give very detailed, helpful reviews.
Personally, I feel that simple 'encouraging' reviews should be mentioned...encouragement could be the reviewer's strength. Not just the brief "good job" review, but a serious examination of what touched them in the writing. Not all reviewers feel comfortable giving elaborate reviews but still want to let a writer know they enjoyed reading something in their port. Perhaps you could briefly include your thoughts on this type of review?
~Hello~ meme. Sorry, couldn't resist after reading your bio block. I bet you just glow everytime your grandkids call out for 'meme'.
Welcome to Writing.Com and congratulations on being featured in the "Noticing Newbies" newsletter. My thanks to Cubby&Hubby~WeddingAnniversary for drawing notice to your writing!
A very touching poem that reveals the emotion of saying goodbye after your grandson's visit. The line that really reveals a lot about you and about how you raised your son was "His Daddy says, "Your Mommy loves you, too.""
An easy read...no stumbling through your words. Although its a tearful situation, it left me with a smile to know how much this little guy is loved.
~Hello~ Ann. Welcome to Writing.Com. ~Congratulations~ on being featured in the "Noticing Newbies Newsletter."
Very touching poem dedicated to your sister, Betty. Reminds me of my relationship with my sister growing up.
It's always hard to offer suggestions to such a personal writing. My condolences on unexpected death of your sister.
My only suggestion would be to end more of your complete thoughts with periods rather than commas at the end of lines and also in certain lines within your stanzas.
For example:
She'd sit in shady spot beneath my tree,with a book, An easy target for me up above. Betty never understood
Personally, I feel it would make a difference, if as the author, you would end a complete thought allowing the reader to ponder your words before continuing our read.
As with any review, just my individual thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your memories and for reminding us not to take for granted those who helped to mold our lives.
The ending of your writing was compelling. It drew me back again and again to ponder your words as a private reminder to cherish those dearest to me in life.
Interesting story that bound me to my computer chair until the end!
At this point, I rate it a 3.5 despite its intriguing storyline since I feel a tad more editing can only make it more reader friendly.
First off, I suggest double spacing between paragraphs.
Secondly, I urge you to rework some of the run on sentences.
Example:
One cold evening, with the crisp chill of autumn in the air, Stingy Jack went wandering through the night and on his usual path, he stumbled across a most unusual character.
Perhaps:
One crisp autumn evening, Stingy Jack went wandering down his usual dark path. He stumbled across a most unusual character.
Also, per Mr. Webster, the words, devil, hell, and heaven (referring to abode of God and His angels) are not capitalized.
Noticed very few misspelled words, but you might consider running through a spell check. You could access 'My Note Pad' available under 'Member Tools' for spell check.
Overall, I enjoyed the story. Puts me in the mood for little goblins knocking on my door next month as I grin at them with chocolate laced teeth. They're lucky I have still have treats to hand out by the time they knock!
Well, I finally decided it was past time to rummage through your port. This was the first writing out of so many to rummage through that my mouse chose.
I found this a delightful tale to help newbies meander through the site. I particularly enjoyed the reference to being greeted before you even had the door to Writing.Com opened. I relate that line back to when I posted my first writing the day I joined, and how quickly the ~Hello's~, ~Welcome~, and helpful, encouraging r&r's started pouring in.
And, thank you for the free advertising for"Invalid Item" !
Only one thing that I noticed...
I looked at some of the signs hanging over the desks and began to get excited.
Your story certainly creates a vivid, tangible image of Writing.Com with the signs, desks, and hallways leading in all directions. Not only an informative read but also a fun journey through the community.
Creative writing that elicits realistic beauty of blooming desert rose.
Some suggestions...
First suggestion...since most lines are separated, I would carry this style throughtout the writing. Coupling up lines offers no benefit, and detracts from writing, in my opinion.
Second suggestion...not necessary to capitalize summer, fall, sun, rain, change, season.
Third...In our minds, it's beauty we recall. Should be its
~Hello~ Matt, and welcome to Writing.Com. My first suggestion is to complete your bio within your portfolio. Tell us a little something about yourself, or about what we might experience while perusing your port, or whatever the heck you want us to know about you and your writings!
Poetry with so few words to get the message across...I attempted this once, and is not an easy process. ~Kudos~ to you, your poetry, and your success!
I read and reread, looking for at least one missed rhyme, punctuation, or word to strengthen. I found nothing to change, rearrange, or improvise.
Now, shhh, I don't give all that many 5.0's out, so this is between you and me!
~Hello~ sarge. I found this to be a very well-written, informative, and straight-forward account of what our police officers endure everyday on the job. Your references to not being perfect, merely humans, responsible for making life and death decisions in a split second should certainly pacify the beast within those of us who have recently been ticketed. And, yes, I grumbled and pouted...but deserved it. Busted on a back road I've driven for 20+ years and never noticed the 20 mph speed limit. Honest, officer!
I noticed a few punctuation problems...but very minor by comparison to the content of your writing.
Thank you, and your family, for the job you do within your community. And, thank you, for sharing this enlightening writing!
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A cute, comical read!
Busted on a back road I've driven for 20+ years and never noticed the 20 mph speed limit. Honest, officer!