Just me again, Marv. Yes, I know I didn't post my r&r of your salsa recipe on the public review page...but I didn't want a run on jalapeno and serrano peppers before I hit the grocery store this week. Now, that should draw some attention to your port!
Now, about your poetry. Oh, I think you have mastered the words quite poetically. Your poem is written with emotion, recalling memories of the "roses are red" rhyme that I'm sure all poets have been tempted to improve upon at least once in their life. It's the words that follow that sets the mood of the poem.
I'd really like to read more poetry items added to your port. You have the rhyme, you have the rhythm...all that's needed is more memories.
~Greetings~ sonia, and welcome to Writing.Com. After reading one of your short stories, I'm sure your port will soon be filled with chills and thrills! I can sit for hours and read page after page of mystery romance, and your story was certainly entertaining.
Although it was a wonderful read, it would be easier to browse through, I think, if you could double space between the paragraphs. The presentation of the writing just seems cramped all typed together.
A few other observations I made while enjoying the story...
But there was nothing to see but the trees and the mountains and the snow that was still swirling thickly to the ground. I would suggest eliminating/changing one of the "buts."
I don’t know how long I sat there, feeling the chill of the cold in the air while a much-colder fear clawed at my heart. Since Miranda was indoors with the mention of logs on the fire earlier, you should mention either why the chill of the cold has penetrated the cabin or perhaps rewording to read that the cold fear in her heart infiltrated or penetrated the warmth of the cabin. Just a thought that crossed my mind while reading.
Fred said nothing as he picked up the box, pried it open and No mention that Miranda had locked the box before hiding, so why did Fred have to pry it open?
Great storyline that really held my interest with the twists of suspicions.
~Season's Greetings~ Sarah Asia. What a bittersweet writing. So many thoughts, memories and hopes expressed very well. The feelings twist and turn as lives do.
Personally, my only distraction in this otherwise very strong writing is the "I wanna." This writing just seems so beyond this casual expression...it seems more like "I need to" or "I long to"...just a more expressive statement.
The presentation very is impressive as the deeper the indentation, the deeper your emotions are voiced.
Hello, Mandik. Well, now your Secret Santa is perusing your port. No, it's NOT the grinch!
It's high school poetry...all about that dude on the basketball court. Now, I wonder where he ended up? And if you tell me you're married to him or he's making BIG gp's with a pro team, then disregard that statement.
The feeling is deep, as it usually is during those high school crushes (which may or may not mature over the years). I like the way you changed the line count in the 3rd stanza leading the lingering thought into the 4th.
Few words which seem to state the feelings in this poem. A good read which gives me a little background to enjoy more recent additions to your port.
~Greetings~ mmrainbow. Oh yes, this screams apathy...alright, where's the hidden camera in my kitchen?
My first kudo is noting that this was written in lower case on purpose. Hopefully, will save your responding to r&r's about your intent. Although I usually suggest this is a sign of lazy writing, it actually adds to the indifferent feeling of this writing.
Your writing gets the tone across to the reader. I just went on a wild word chase to maybe add more descriptive words, but it's all about apathy (which is expressed very well). If you're apathetic, then who cares if the words are desriptive...certainly not the withdrawn from life writer or reader.
It took me several readings, but I really do appreciate the drab feeling of your writing now. It's not about fancy, descriptive words...it about not feeling them!
~Hello~ claywallet. Found your poem on the 'Plug Page.' See, posting here does attract readers.
My observations and questions are merely a reflection of my personal appreciation of poetry.
Overall, it interested me and kept me reading.
First observation was you hear music and thought of an old lover or dream. Personally, only a special song's words would evoke memories of an old lover or dream. Is it a particular song or lyrics that kindle these memories?
Why was your life teetering on the brink of everything? A lost love, memories that haunt every breath?
I feel a winter night? How does a lonely, winter night feel versus the warmth of a lover's face caressed between your palms?
Old passion, work. Work? Old passion, memories? photos in your mind? Treasured reflections, smiles, moments?
Gut? This is a writing of passion and you write gut? Heart? Essence? Substance?
Alright, the last line is perfection. Perhaps rest of writing and suggestions are due to my feeble, bifocaled, new contact lenses.
It is touching verse, but could be much more with a litte editing.
I really like the thought behind the writing as it is thought provoking. Plus, it really reaches out to me with some personal memories that I need to let go. I'm sure it will reach out to other readers for same reason.
Some things I did notice though ...
First line reads you forgot; fourth line reads, why can't you forget, and 11th line reads I'll never forget? Just words for thought...perhaps, you thought you forgave and forgot and work from there?
Let it go, let it go it’ whispers'Let it go, let it go,' it whispers
your forgiven, let it go.’ Should be you're
‘Thank you God!’ Comma after you?
Inspirational writing that reminds each of us that forgiveness is there for the asking.
~Greetings~ Baset. A powerful and emotional writing that reveals the feelings of the speaking character.
The biggest issue I find with the poem is the excessive use of exclamation and questions marks. Your words should communicate the fury of the poem rather than the overload of punctuation.
Personally, I feel these two lines contradict each other:
You have taken everything and There is only one thing you haven’t yet
dared to take
Also, I'm wondering if you meant 'biding' in the following line?
Dark abysses, bidding their time,
You have described this vile vulture quite well as to how he portrays himself to the outside world and how he truly is behind closed doors. My view is that with a little editing, this could become an exceptional poem.
~Greetings~ Calmer, and we are so happy to have you amongst us here in Writing.Com, and look forward to reading more exploits of your nursing days. My future daughter-in-law graduated with a nursing degree last December.
Your writing whets the reader's curiosity to know more about what it was like to concentrate on your nursing studies while living in a dorm that was formerly a mental institution with many a tale to be told. I hope you'll expand this paragraph into a short story, at least, revealing some of the tales and how they affected you while living there. What were the tunnels used for in the stories you heard, and why was a man chasing you down one? I understand that you will build your port with static items, but I personally feel you should elaborate a tad more in this writing.
Noticed a couple of misspellings: interested and amused.
Unfortunately, I feel there's just not enough mentioned in this writing...but I do hope to revisit your port and enjoy your future static items that will clarify your experiences.
~Hello~ Jimi. Welcome to Writing.Com! What a delightful poem...it just seems to put a smile on my face. You have definately described the feelings created from a wonderful dream, and wanting to shut my eyes and enjoy it again.
~Hello~ spiral, and congratulations on being featured in the "Noticing Newbies" newsletter.
Your writing paints a vivid picture, and the images are splendid midst your chosen words. The differences mentioned are vibrant, and just to tempt others to read ...
You are the deep vast ocean
Whose horizon
Kisses my dark blue sky goodnight
In surreal indifference to the love of man.
~Hello~ revdbob, and congratulations on being featured in the "Noticing Newbies" newsletter...quite an honor.
But, our laurencia, plus other editors of this newsletter, have the knack of picking the featured writers.
A very endearing and deep writing that I wanted to read over and over.
The only thing suggestion that I can perhaps offer is that a couple of lines demand a little punctuation (so feeble a suggestion amidst your words). ~sigh~
For instance,
I have eyes,
but cannot see.
I have hands but can’t act requires either a period or semicolon
A writing full of reaching out to the soul with such emotion. I tried, but could not pick a favorite verse...the entire writing screams at me...read me and just enjoy the essence of my words!
~Afternoon,~ vampirerose and welcome to Writing.Com. Your story gave me goosebumps as I look over my shoulder.
The plot is well thought out stating the protagonist and conflicts, with a surprising twist. The characters are developed and believable.
One major suggestion I would like to offer is to double space between your paragraphs which would enable an easier read. Another suggestion would be to rearrange some of the sentences to avoid starting with "she" or having "she" in the sentence.
The word, "realised" should be "realized" unless outside the U.S.
A little editing may be needed to clean up a few sentences...for instance,
She had even found an old diary that had belonged to her
But now, she was bored and tired and sick to death of dusty relics grandmother when she was a girl.
and had believed Megan to still be in the garden anyway,
Only spelling error that I noted:
But not anymore
What a wonderful beginning to your port! A chilling story that kept my interest.
~Hello~ maestro, and welcome to Writing.Com. It's soooo exciting to view our new members building their ports.
Please don't let my rating discourage you. The idea behind your story is good, but I feel you need to develop it, the characters and the plot. Is this a writing about racial tension or a blind date?
Your storyline has so much possibility, but I personally feel it moves too fast. The central focus of racial tension was distracted by a blind date that serves no purpose other than new location for yet another attack, and an ending. Perhaps, tying in the blind date as a sister or exgirlfriend of one of the original attackers could tie the scenarios together and their fret of stealing their women.
Observations of friend of attacker reveals more about himself and his actions than attacker. Develop your main characters and describe their actions and feelings with the same passion. Also, your description of Dan reveals to the reader his personality...yet the main character, reveals so little to draw a mental picture.
A few technical probs I noticed:
after face was planted into the gravel... or planted face
“So how are you this morning? Are you excited? I can’t wait for you to meet her; she can’t wait to meet you either…”
You've double spaced between some paragraphs and singled in others.
Overall, I do hope you decide to edit this writing. It's a good story that should be told.
Oh, and did I say ~Welcome~ to Writing.Com? Where we do r&r and speak our minds? You post it and someone will respond.
A very cute, catchy, and creative poem that you've already added to your port. I've been to the land of the sad, too, on occasion, and just like you, I like the land of the happy best! And, your poem made me feel happy just by reading it. Quite imaginative for a 10-year old writer!
The line, "It's quite a bore" was a cool description for the land of the sad.
Creative thoughts, and good presentation of your writing, complete with punctuation!
I hope you'll continue to enjoy writing and sharing your work with all of us here at Writing.Com until you're at least 110!
~Hello~ Jessica, and welcome to Writing.Com. I found myself wrapped up in the excitement of the cheerleading competition while reading through your words. Although nowadays, with the competitiveness of this sport, I feel our cheerleaders need some protective gear themselves!
My personal thoughts are that you have chosen to capitalize some unnecessary words throughout the lines that adds no emotional content, such as crowd, curtains, music, go, etc. Also, some lines could end in a period or semicolon as a complete thought rather than a comma.
I'm wondering if you meant flawless rather than flowless and superior rather than superoir. Plus, You squeeze your eyes
Overall, the reader gets pulled into the excitement of the competition, which by the way is misspelled in the brief description.
An easy read. You've managed to generate a lot of thrills expressed with few words. I just feel it needs some editing to deserve a higher rating.
~Hello~ Mandik. Thank you for sending a link to your touching story about your mother-in-law and her battle with alzheimers. What a caring, remarkable woman you were blessed to know.
Your tribute to her memory is bittersweet. And for some that you have shared, you might want to dodge that meatball falling from above.
Technically, your story has some issues, but personally, I find it hard to edit someone else's life memories. So unless you ask, I won't offer suggestions. Sometimes, our treasures are best left as written...our moments, our thoughts, our reflections.
A moving story about a devastating disease. Thank you for sharing your writing with me!
I just bet Josephine is up there stirring her special sauce while my Aunt Helen and Uncle Frank are telling her to hurry it up.
~Hello~ rolltide, and welcome to Writing.Com. I see that you are decorating your port quite nicely with some children's poetry.
The concept of your poem is wonderful...the idea of Lady Night's dress of tiny stars. I am wondering, although it's been many, many years since I read nighttime stories to my own not-so-little-now munchkins, if some of the words you have used would be confusing to children? For instance, slink, cloaking?
Granted, I've not tried my hand at children's writings yet, and am sure the multitude of those in our community that delve into this delightful genre will be of more help to you. Just expressing my opinion on memories of many years ago.
One thing I am sure of ...
When its time for the fading of the blazing sun its should be it's
Again, the feeling of the poem is good, I just personally question some of your chosen words.
I hope you are enjoying your newly found online addiction, and look forward to your blooming port.
~Hello~ D.B. and welcome to Writing.Com. We hope you are working your mouse overtime to enjoy all that is offered to writers in this wonderful community.
I love the thought entwined in your words...to never let our past control our future.
I question your usage of 'purge' and 'tread'. I personally feel they don't quite fit. Perhaps, journey, venture or move forward instead of purge? And, travel, experience, or live it to the end? Just words for thought...
~Hello~ Riddle, and welcome to Writing.Com. Just hollers if you need any help navigating through this unbelievable writer/reader paradise.
Your first addition to your port is a very touching writing. It also resembles at a side glance, angel's wings...how appropriate!
Your words to your mother portrays memories that every mother dreams their child will remember...the little everyday acts that bloom from their hearts planted in the hearts of their children to bloom once again to their grandchildren. I hope you know that your writing has set your mother's wings fluttering.
Just one thing I noticed while enjoying my read...
you're glance. Should read your glance.
I hope you'll post more of your writings in the "Read A Newbie" forum.
~Hello~ Storming Quietly. What a beautiful tribute from a courageous mother to her courageous son. The comparison between his bravery as a child to his bravery as a man touches every parent's heart. You must be very proud of this fine, young man that you raised.
Through your tears, I'm sure, you've maintained a very catchy rhyme scheme and each line flows smoothly
As he departs once again for Iraq, please send with him my thanks, thoughts, and prayers.
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