This story has merit. Another reviewer suggested that it might be better if it weren't written as passive and that's probably a good idea. There are a few too many words with capital letters and a place or two where you've neglected punctuation.
Good story. Since my son turned 22 recently, I can relate to the remembering of these kinds of things.
I would offer some suggestions. Some of your sentences are rather long, although you have rightly punctuated them.
The beginning sentence hit me as a bit awkward:
"It was a day like any other in my mundane life; drive to work, drive home, take care of the pets, make dinner for my wife, daughter and I then sit on the couch with a beer or two watching TV, waiting to fall asleep."
Since you're writing this in past tense (at least until the end where you're thinking in the present), I might change it a bit...
It was a day like any other in my mundane life. I drove to work and home again, took care care of the pets, made dinner for my wife, daughter and myself, then sat sit on the couch with a beer or two watching TV, waiting to fall asleep.
This is fantastic. It certainly does define true love, the love defined in the Bible that is patient, kind, etc.
I don't know if it's the resolution of my honey's computer (I'm using his instead of my own) or what, but it appears that some lines in this need reformatted.
Excellent job. Knowing the story behind this helps. I'm glad I read the story first. Just looking at this and reading it aloud, there seems to be one or two places where the lines were too long. But upon listening to Alan Hamilton's singing of the lyrics, he certainly made it work well. What a story...
Your nephew is one lucky fellow. You've shown your love here wonderfully. This is a cute poem. It's certainly not literary perfection, but the feelings are there and the rhyme and rhythm work okay.
And what a fine witness you are, P. Bradford Simmons. These are wise words, indeed.
Some excellent points:
I also believe that there is a HUGE difference between being saved, and knowing Christ Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.
and
You see, my belief is this; God will truly grant you any desire of your heart, instantly! But there is a catch. In order to receive such blessings, you must first align yourself with God’s will.
This is good writing. The twist at the end is perfect. It did remind me of a particular mystery/murder writer, and now I'll probably spend the day trying to remember the author's name. (That's what happens when you get old and have fibromyalgia and the "figro fog" that goes with it!)
How funny you've explained the male growing old process. Well done.
A few suggestions:
These stalls are also quite often to short, which inevitably leads to me hitting my head...(too short)
I had promised myself that as an adult and especially a parent, I would be cool, baby, with any and all music my kids wanted to listen to. I would probably reword this so it didn't end in a preposition.
You do have to wonder if those same words were spoken by generations before us. Never say never...
This wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I do like the idea of thanking God in the morning. But for fire ants? I've lived in TX and I know how they can be.
I did like your thanksgiving, but as I read this aloud, the rhythm/flow was a bit off. Some lines are just a bit too long, some a big too short.
Good job. Your description says, "This is a fictionalized non-fiction piece, so to say." I almost get that. Sometimes when we write, memories and facts get confused, especially when writing something emotional.
Some suggestions:
It would be easier to read if you put spaces between paragraphs.
Also, this part:
As a treat, when my mother went off alone to look at some clothes for herself, my great grandmother took my sister and I took a kiosk in the middle of the mall to buy some pogs.
...should actually say, "my sister and me." The way to tell is to take out "my sister and" and you'll see that "my great-grandmother took me to a kiosk in the middle of the mall..." sounds right.
Thanks for writing this one. It's important for folks to understand that homeless and/or addicted persons are often highly educated and formerly highly paid.
Some suggestions:
About your description:
She was headed down the wrong path until she finds a friend in rags.
I would change that to:
She was headed down the wrong path until she found a friend in rags.
Also:
This could just as easily be me. I pray someone that understands would offer a hand and heart to guide me home.
This part is a bit confusing. First, it comes as a change in verb tense. You've been writing in past tense and suddenly change to present tense. I assumed that you were thinking of the past and that it should have been: This could just as easily have been me. I prayed someone would understand and would offer a hand and heart to guide me home.
But as the story progresses, this could be a present need for prayer. Perhaps just leaving out these two lines would make more sense, or putting them at the end?
Interesting, Daphne. If my writing had to wait for the house to be cleaned and for peace and quiet, I'd never get much writing done.
Some of your sentences are longer than I might like. (Reading them aloud might leave one breathless?) And for my eyes, the color you chose was just a bit hard to read on the page.
That this causes one to think is excellent. The mystery behind the words makes it worth reading. There are some things that you need to fix, though, to make it "perfect."
That first sentence, for instance. Thinkingly? Strange word. You also need a capital "I" there.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate the reminder of what beauty and wonder is all around us.
Good job. Indeed, there are still protests. And, as you so aptly pointed out, those protests - like the ones about going to war in Iraq - are not publicized as much as they should be. Most folks probably don't realize how many thousands were gathered in cities all over the US and the world...because the media didn't cover the protests. Or if they did, it was to show "violence"...
Anyway, about your poem. Good job. I did wonder about these lines:
You think days were we believed in change
Are finally dead and gone
Did you mean "where we believed" or "when we believed"?
At the end, you've left to us to figure which things are contaminating minds and producing docile smiles. Good job!
I might consider taking out a few of the "things" in these lines:
A collection of things,
comfortable things, consoling things,
entertaining things, practical things,
pretty things, consumer things,
contaminating things,
but acceptable things,
Perhaps:
A collection of things,
comfortable things, consoling,
entertaining and practical things,
pretty things, consumer and
contaminating things,
but acceptable things,
Welcome to Writing.com. If you're looking for a place to write and to learn, you've come to the right place!
I've found that inspiration hits at the oddest times, so I always have a notebook with me to jot down ideas and phrases. I also write in a word program where I can make corrections before posting anywhere.
Hope that helps.
About your writing: There were a few places where you didn't capitalize "I."
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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There are a few too many words with capital letters and a place or two where you've neglected punctuation.
This wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. I do like the idea of thanking God in the morning. But for fire ants? I've lived in TX and I know how they can be.