Amen to this one - the message, that is. Hopefully, we've learned a lesson from Nam.
The rhythm and rhymes were good, and as I already said, I loved the message. Whether or not one embraces war, we should always welcome home the troops.
This is great. Your descriptions made me feel as if I was there sharing every - good and bad - experience.
Just one suggestion. You said, "This caused me to fall flat on my face to the ground where I ended up with a mouth full of fog-dampened leaves. As I spat it out, I could also taste the bitterness of twigs from the tree mixed in and hoped there were no bugs in this soggy mulch."
Since you had a mouth full of leaves, wouldn't you spit them out (instead of it)?
Good job. My hubby was diagnosed with Diabetes II just last year. As a 57 year old, he's had much adjusting to do...as have I (as the cook). But I probably have not given much thought to teens with diabetes, since I haven't known any. You've outlined the problems quite well.
Cute, very cute. I really loved your title. (You were mentioned in one of the newsletters this week.)
As I read this aloud, it seemed just a tad awkward...that the rhythm/flow wasn't quite right. The rhymes were cute, though. And the ending brought a smile to my face.
These are some interesting - good - thoughts. In any group, there is always someone there to judge.
Reading this one aloud showed that there were a few lines that just didn't flow properly. And there were a few places where the rhymes seemed a bit forced. Still, the message was a good one.
You've made some good points in this one. As one who believes that one of our biggest problems today is that we do not raise our children according to the Bible, I agree with much of what you wrote here.
I do have some suggestions:
As a mother. we find ourselves often times overwhelmed by the things that we go through day by day.
I would change this to read:
As mothers, we find ourselves....
Or
As a mother, I find myself...
Whether we are a mother to our own children, or adopted children or whatever situation we are in, they are our children.
Perhaps...
Whether we mother our own flesh and blood or our adopted children, these children are our children.
There are even times when we feel their hurts and want it to end.
I'd say, instead:
There are even times when we feel their hurts and want them to end.
Sometimes we get discouraged and often wonder where our strength will come from.
Instead of ending with "from" I'd probably try:
Sometimes we get discouraged and wonder where we will find strength.
Thanks for sharing, and again, welcome to Writing.com.
Thanks for this fine life lesson. I'm glad it was mentioned in the Spiritual Newsletter, or I might have missed it. I think you have a good take on dreams.
Some suggestions:
...we still affect the out come of their lives and also the lives of all we come in contact with.
Might be:
...we still affect the outcome of the lives of our parents and of all whom we touch. (Or something do keep from ending in "with.")
Like memories drifting by us on a cloud, stopping by briefly to toy with our minds and they become a fleeting glimpse into our past or future.
At first I thought this really had to be connected to the sentence before it. Then I realized if you eliminated the "and" it makes sense on its own.
Like memories drifting by us on a cloud, stopping by briefly to toy with our minds, they become a fleeting glimpse into our past or future.
Awww. You've told the story well. You didn't say how long ago this happened, but that doesn't matter. This event is something that happens in each generation. Kids can certainly be cruel.
Perhaps I wouldn't use quite so many completely capitalize words, although that does help emphasize them.
Thanks for sharing. And welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here!
This story has merit. Another reviewer suggested that it might be better if it weren't written as passive and that's probably a good idea. There are a few too many words with capital letters and a place or two where you've neglected punctuation.
Good story. Since my son turned 22 recently, I can relate to the remembering of these kinds of things.
I would offer some suggestions. Some of your sentences are rather long, although you have rightly punctuated them.
The beginning sentence hit me as a bit awkward:
"It was a day like any other in my mundane life; drive to work, drive home, take care of the pets, make dinner for my wife, daughter and I then sit on the couch with a beer or two watching TV, waiting to fall asleep."
Since you're writing this in past tense (at least until the end where you're thinking in the present), I might change it a bit...
It was a day like any other in my mundane life. I drove to work and home again, took care care of the pets, made dinner for my wife, daughter and myself, then sat sit on the couch with a beer or two watching TV, waiting to fall asleep.
This is fantastic. It certainly does define true love, the love defined in the Bible that is patient, kind, etc.
I don't know if it's the resolution of my honey's computer (I'm using his instead of my own) or what, but it appears that some lines in this need reformatted.
Excellent job. Knowing the story behind this helps. I'm glad I read the story first. Just looking at this and reading it aloud, there seems to be one or two places where the lines were too long. But upon listening to Alan Hamilton's singing of the lyrics, he certainly made it work well. What a story...
Your nephew is one lucky fellow. You've shown your love here wonderfully. This is a cute poem. It's certainly not literary perfection, but the feelings are there and the rhyme and rhythm work okay.
And what a fine witness you are, P. Bradford Simmons. These are wise words, indeed.
Some excellent points:
I also believe that there is a HUGE difference between being saved, and knowing Christ Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior.
and
You see, my belief is this; God will truly grant you any desire of your heart, instantly! But there is a catch. In order to receive such blessings, you must first align yourself with God’s will.
This is good writing. The twist at the end is perfect. It did remind me of a particular mystery/murder writer, and now I'll probably spend the day trying to remember the author's name. (That's what happens when you get old and have fibromyalgia and the "figro fog" that goes with it!)
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The trash can is another prized possession? I've never seen it that way.
