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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower2**Flower2*~*~Hi Nathii~*~*Flower2**Flower3*


I saw your story on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

Hmmmn, I'm not quite sure what to think of this story. It's good. But way different. *Bigsmile*

I think you captured the voice of Dolly the cat quite well. I believed a cat was narrating this odd but interesting story. I could be wrong and please feel free to correct me, but are you translating? I got the feeling as I was reading because of some of the word usage, If so this would explain some of the sentence structure.

I say this because I felt the story was a bit choppy in places. The flow was interrupted from time to time and I always hesitate to mention grammar and spelling especially if the author is translating. I don't want to be presumptuous!

I do have a few suggestions and please know I offer this in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one readers perspective. It is offered humbly and with respect.


My name is Dolly and you can't imagine how much I regret a certain pops*** band has been created. In the above sentence I felt the last part of the sentence created a bit of awkwardness. The 'has been' throws it off a bit.

My Mistress recalled once their first meeting. In this sentence, I think it might flow easier if you reworked it so it reads: My mistress once recalled their first meeting."

My Mistress had more troubles with associating with local upper class than she had hoped. Here again, just a little awkwardness. Perhaps: My mistress had trouble associating with the local upper class.

She kept silence during the official dinners because was too ashamed to ask: Maybe silent? rather then silence? and then 'she' was too ashamed?

Then happened something[,] I had lost all the hope for
perhaps a comma? I sensed a need for a pause?

I had known before London was rainy, but never had experienced it on my soft, white fur until that day
I'd heard London was rainy, but I never experienced it on my soft, white fur..."

Her husband found in himself enough of courage to finally come up and embrace her. Just a little vague and awkward: perhaps Her husband found within himself enough courage to embrace her..."

Mistress openly laughed and pat my Master on his back.
"...openly laughed and patted my master on his back."

Those were some of the areas I felt interrupted the flow and pace of your story.

I think this is inventive and delightful. I think you captured the voice of Dolly very well. This has grand potential, it just needs a little TLC in some areas. Otherwise, while this was unconventional in some ways, it was also very creative and witty in others. Nice!

Thanks for letting me stay for awhile. I hope you found this useful.


*Flower2**Flower2**Flower2**Flower2**Flower2**Flower2**Flower2**Flower2**Flower2*



*Flower2* ~*~ This has been a Yellow Power Review *Flower2*



Write on and Peace~*~ kjo Yellow Power Raid Review*Flower2*
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Review of A50  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow2*~*~ HiGalen ~*~ *Snow2**Snow2*

I saw your story on the Shameless Plug page and thought I should stop in to say hello and to leave a review. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

Goodness, talk about: Aaah, no response, and of course, making the best out of an awkward situation. *Wink*

I thought your story was certainly interesting and original. There are some excellent elements of storytelling. For instance, you did a great job of building suspense with the pace and flow of the story. So well done with effectively using some of the tools of 'writing.'

I can see where this could happen and perhaps it has, so it was conceivable. I even sensed a stab at some wit. So well done.

For me, though you used the 'art' of building suspense effectively, the arriving to the plot/theme wasn't as titillating as I anticipated. I was a bit let down. I was expecting a bit more excitement with all the suspense leading up to it.
Just a thought for you to ponder

I do have a couple of suggestions If I may? Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

Jean pulled the key the woman at the front desk had given him, along with a pamphlet about the program, out of his jacket pocket. There is nothing grammatically wrong about this sentence, I just wonder about the need for all the details? Is the pamphlet important to the story?

Finally receiving his room assignment and key, Jean had wandered the musty hallways to find his dark room and silent roommate. I thought you could strike out the 'had' to make the sentence more active.
And also, the above information was already revealed so some of this is repetitive?

thirty five, with brown hair that was graying at the temples and a clean shaven face. He was curled on his side, You could remove 'that was' from your sentence to make it more polished and effective.

I think this story has grand potential. It is original and inventive. You've got the obvious talent. I sense a strong ability with attention to detail and with building suspense. Awesome! To build suspense so effectively and then to have a weak 'peak' was a bit disappointing but you have the skills and I think this story has greater potential. It's not quite there yet. Just a little more substance?

*Snow2*I hope you found this useful ~*~ Thanks for letting me stay awhile *Snow2*


*Snow2**Snow2**Snow2**Snow2**Snow2*




*Snow2* Write on and Peace ~*~ Kjo just groovin*Snow2*
278
278
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Snow3**Snow3* ~*~ Hi K.A. Deagle ~*~ *Snow3**Snow3*


I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful.

Holy Cannoli! I guess you never really know someone. *Shock* How disturbing that would be. And how wrong! On the job in more ways than one. Yeow! *Bigsmile**Shock**Laugh*

Well just as the character was shock and disturbed by what was seen, I am shocked and disturbed by what the character saw. Goodness!*Shock*

I thought this was well written. I can see the Aachm, Aachm, humor in the situation (not being unconscious) but having CPR performed and then seeing way more than you bargained for. Now that would of sent me into serious heart failure *Shock**Laugh*

I only have one suggestion. Please keep in mind I offer this in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

to never let a hair fall out of place, This sentence isn't wrong but it didnt set just right, perhaps it might work better to say: to never let one hair fall out of place. Just a thought to ponder.

This is just an observation, though this is a very short piece, you might still consider placing spaces between paragraphs just to make it look more polished and professional. *Wink*

I honestly don't have anything else to say. You've silence me with shock *Shock*Now I'm going to have that vision in my mind's eye all day at the office. Holy Cow! *Bigsmile*

Great job at writing an event based on a conversation you heard. you made it disturbing, shocking and yet humorous too. Now how often does that happen? Well done!

*Snow3*Thanks for inviting me in ~*~ I hope you found this useful *Snow3*


*Gift3**Gift3**Gift3**Gift3**Gift3**Gift3*{e:gift3]*Gift3*




*Snow3*Write on and Peace ~*~ Kjo just groovin*Snow3*
279
279
Review of Surrender  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* ~*~ Hi Ilona ~*~ *Flower3**Flower3*

Thanks for inviting me in! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

Holy Cannoli! What's not to like about this free-falling beat up dead Sammy Gin. *Bigsmile* I mean it seems she has such a great attitude about being amongst the undead in spite of all the ripping and tearing and hurling.

Wow, I just thought your descriptions and details of Sammy's descent in to the forest was fantastic! Well done. Nice use of words and language so we could visualize the hurling and the descent. *Delight*

I do have a few observations If I may? Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

"A force mightier than the gravity that had stayed her feet to the earth," "that' had' kind of a double negative whammy. One passive and one a bit heavy. Perhaps: A force mightier than the gravity which steadied/secured her feet to the earth?

She ripped through the emptiness, and the emptiness ripped through her, tearing at her skin like a hundred thousand paper cuts, needles and pins shooting into her eyeballs, blinding her, turning the sky black, so that to her, it seemed she was hurtling through the darkness of a vast and unfriendly space. Wonderfully descriptive. Yeow! But perhaps for part of an opener, a bit longish. Maybe break it up into two?

as is wont to happen I'm not sure 'wont' is the best choice here?

and the wind that had so brutally taken her, that had mangled her, that had stormed all her senses to the point of numbness, relented. I think you repetition works here, but perhaps make the sentence more active rather than passive? The wind which so brutally snared her then mangled her and crushed all her senses to the point of numbness, relented.

Well you don't have to like my words, but you get the point. The 'that and had' tend to hold back our sentences.

claws that shredded her skin and yanked at her flesh. Yeow, I love your details. Vivid.*Shock*

The above suggestions are easily addressed if you choose. They are not necessarily wrong, just styling choices we make.

I thought your writing was descriptive but not over the top. Too much description can be like too much peanut butter on bread. Your's was nicely balanced.

Your opening paragrpah hooked me and kept me engaged. This character of yours seems just about ready for anything and seems to adapt to any situation. Wonderfully creative and engrossing.

*Flower3*I hope you found this helpful ~*~ Thanks for letting me stay awhile*Flower3*


*Reading**Reading**Reading**Reading**Reading**Reading*



*Flower3*Write on and peace ~*~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of Nightmare Ball  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*flower* ~*~ Hi TyroScribe ~*~ *Flower3*


Please excuse the mess, I just sent you. It's was suppose to be a review. But I messed up some writng ML and so it was unreadable. I had to rerate and review.Arrgh, Aargh and *Angry*

I saw your story on the Request a Review Page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestion I may make useful.

Wow and Holy Cannoli what a story! No really, I thought this was a wonderful read. Scary but not over-the-top. A perfect Halloween story for young and old alike. *Delight*

I thought you had fantastic description. Your details were vivid yet not overdone. I felt your frustration with the twins while watching them and your fear when you thought you'd lost them.

I thought your character development of Mr. Macabre was excellent and your storyline unfolded at a nice pace and flow.

It was engaging and compelling and even a bit humorous, "...smelled like your father's stinky feet"
*Bigsmile*

You did an effective job at storytelling. I do have a couple of observations. Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering you one reader's perspective. Your formatting is a bit wacky but that's so not a big deal. An example copied from your story below.

He pointed his cane at the steps as a big bucket of water was suddenly
Just as he reached the bottom step he noticed the strange green
light seeping under the door of the room on the left side of the hallway.

Watch you use of 'that" I struck out a couple but there could be more. They can litter our sentences.
He knew that if the shopkeeper spotted any of them it would mean being banned from the ball forever. He was panic stricken at the idea that the twins were missing.

Trying to steady his shaking hands and slow his ragged breathing[,] Phil looked up at the first creature.
sensed a need for pause after breathing.

I thought you chose your words well.
For instance:Mr. Macabre’s high-pitched laughter added to the symphony of sounds Wonderful! Phil’s ragged breath caught in his chest as he heard the thump of the skeletal cane drawing closer. Phil was frozen with fear. nicely described.

Your sentences varied in length and in complexity. Your plot was intriguing and you stayed focused as you weaved your tale of twin terrors *Shock* who got turned into a big-beaked, no eyes, orange feathered bird-like monster wearing a joy buzzer...How delightful! *Bigsmile*

Again, I thought this was a great read an entertaining, inventive, action-packed, delightful tale on the light side of dark. Fantastic!
I enjoyed the twins and the terror they tried to wreak on the brother who seemed to have his hands full. They were however, in spite of it all, in bed by their designated time. Whew! *Laugh*

*Flower3**flower* ~*~ Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this useful. ~*~*Flower3**Flower3*

*Flower3* Write on and Peace~*~kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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281
Review of Nightmare Ball  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* ~*~ Hi TyroScribe ~*~*Flower3**Flower3*


I saw your story on the Request a Review Page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestion I may make useful.

Wow and Holy Cannoli what a story! No really, I thought this was a wonderful read. Scary but not over-the-top. A perfect Halloween story for young and old alike.*Delight*

I thought you had fantastic description. Your details were vivid yet not overdone. I felt your frustration with the twins while watching them and your fear when you thought you'd lost them.*Shock*

I thought your character development of Mr. Macabre was excellent and your storyline unfolded at a nice pace and flow.

It was engaging and compelling and even a bit humorous, "...smelled like your father's stinky feet"*Bigsmile*

You did an effective job at storytelling. I do have a couple of observations. Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering you one reader's perspective. Your formatting is a bit wacky but that's so not a big deal. An example copied from your story below.

He pointed his cane at the steps as a big bucket of water was suddenly
Just as he reached the bottom step he noticed the strange green
light seeping under the door of the room on the left side of the hallway.

Watch you use of 'that" I struck out a couple but there could be more. They can litter our sentences.
He knew that if the shopkeeper spotted any of them it would mean being banned from the ball forever. He was panic stricken at the idea that the twins were missing.

Trying to steady his shaking hands and slow his ragged breathing[,] Phil looked up at the first creature.
sense a need for pause after breathing.

I thought you chose your words well.
For instance:Mr. Macabre’s high-pitched laughter added to the symphony of sounds Wonderful! Phil’s ragged breath caught in his chest as he heard the thump of the skeletal cane drawing closer. Phil was frozen with fear. nicely described.

Your sentences varied in length and in complexity. Your plot was intriguing and you stayed focused as you weaved your tale of twin terrors*Bigsmile*who got turned into a big-beaked, no eyes, orange feathered bird-like monster wearing a joy buzzer...How delightful! *Bigsmile**Wink*

Again, I thought this was a great read an entertaining, inventive, action-packed, delightful tale on the light side of dark. Fantastic!
I enjoyed the twins and the terror they tried to wreak on the brother who seemed to have his hands full. They were however, in spite of it all, in bed by their designated time. Whew! *Bigsmile*

*Flower3**Flower3* ~*~ Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this useful. ~*~ *Flower3**Flower3*

*Flower3* Write on and Peace~*~kjo just groovin*Flower3*
282
282
Review of Winter Blues  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* ~*~ Hi Alex Griffin ~*~ *Flower3**Flower3*

I saw your short on the Request a review page. I thought I'd stop in to say hello and to leave a review. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any thoughts I may have useful.

It always amazes me when an author can send a powerful message in just a few written words. Your words were few but their meaning was profound. Well done. Personally, I find this kind of writing confining but I have a great appreciation for those who write flash fiction and do it very well. Excellent.

Isn't it so true how caught up in the business of life we get? So often we forget how what's truly important. And all it takes is one tragedy to be reminded.

I thought this was well written and effective.

I do have a couple of observations to make. Please keep in mind I offer this with the intent of sharing just one reader's perspective.

Her mother interrupted her before she can continue,
Here I sensed a change in tense. You went from 'interrupted to can' It seems like 'can' should be could?

She hung up the the phone and held onto it for a minute before letting go. I know what you are saying but it sounds like she's contradicting herself here. Perhaps clarify a little something like: She placed her finger on the receiver to hang up but held onto the phone a while longer... Well something like that.

These were so relatively small and easily addressed if you choose. I think you have an Poignant message here and it was said subtly yet profoundly.

*Flower3**Flower3* ~*~ Thanks for letting me stay awhile.I hope you found this useful. ~*~ *Flower3**Flower3*

*Flower3*Write on and Peace*Flower3* Kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of The Appointment  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Flower5**Flower5**~*Hi Richard Burke*~**Flower5**Flower5*

I saw your story on the Request a review Page and decided to stop in and say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful.

Holy Cannoli! Strider sounds just like my kinda guy, commanding and mysterious and on a mission! haha*Bigsmile**Laugh*

I thought this was dark and enticing. You captured and maintained my interest as this 'clinical' and methodical Psychologist sought to uncover this 'regal creatures' mysterious ways. *Shock* Excellent!

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? Please know I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering you one reader's perspective.

I had earned a semblance of renown in the field I'm not sure if 'semblance' is the right word choice here. It's a great word but I think its meaning is like a 'approach' or approximation.

It occurred to me that I may be able to use my treatment setting to real advantage for my next client. The caller had left my secretary a hurried, cryptic message about wanting to meet with me "at once and on a matter of grave importance for the future of all creaturedom

In the above sentence, just an instance where I thought you could omit the word 'that' and 'had'. Of course, your way isn't wrong and mine isn't better, just different.*Wink*

He leaned forward, the light giving substance to his furrowed brow, this is wonderfully descriptive, and yet, I wonder...what light giving substance? it's a bit vague.

I like the intrigue and 'old world' mysticism of this unusual meeting in a contemporary setting. The past and present collides and you created a compelling interaction.

*Star**Star*The little errors are so minor but I thought you might like to know. This is a gem of a story. Evocative and engaging. *Star**Star*

*Flower5**Flower5**~*I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.*Flower5**Flower5**~*

~write on and peace~ kjo just roovin*Flower3*
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Review of Farewell, My Love  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Startiara I stopped in to say hello. I saw your story featured in this weeks Romance newsletter. Congratulations on your story being selected. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

Aaah, there is no sweeter love then love unrequited love. Well, perhaps not for the characters but for the readers because we get the sense of such turmoil and pain as the lovers can only indulge in a few stolen kisses as years go by.

I did sense a range of emotions in this story. I think the author did grand job of enticing the readers to feel the character's affliction and agony. But her devotion was unwavering. I admire Charmion's complete and utter dedication to her queen. Your young protagonist has such humility.

There were moments in this short story I found to be poignant and enticing. The teasing and playfulness of the young lovers. It was delightful.

I do have some suggestions if I may? Please keep in mind I offer this in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

From an otherwise smooth flow and pace I was surprised at the heavy reliance of the word 'that' and 'had' they tripped me up a bit and so I copied some of your sentences and struck them out to give you an idea. I hope you don't mind. I want to reiterate, your way isn't wrong and mine isn't better just different. *Wink*

She had to attended to the gathering up of the rugs that her great Mistress Cleopatra had used that afternoon.

. She knew that their trip together down the Nile was not endearing her mistress to any one's heart.

It was simply her duty to serve her mistress and make sure that she was well taken care of.“Don’t you understand that you can’t just say whatever comes to your mind?”

Charmion felt flushed and looked around again, relieved to see that her little helpers had already left her alone with Menotho.

She had only met him when they came on this cruise of the Nile and she wasn’t sure how far she should allow their friendship to go

She often wished that this memory would fade, but as with the good memories it also lingered on to haunt her.

You know that we have been told that we are to leave in just three day's time.”

The above are a few examples where I thought you could omit the 'hads' and the 'that'. The word 'that' is a common word which we tend to overuse out of habit. The passive verb 'had' tends to hold our sentences back, instead of being active, 'had makes them passive. Again, just thoughts to consider.

I [b}thought this was an interesting and unique approach to the lives and loves of historical characters. I thought your young protagonist was well characterized. She was certainly devoted to her queen. And while she missed the possibility of life with 'Menotho', she accepted her fate with humility and passion.

I thought this story was engaging with a nice contemporary twist. Excellent!

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. i hope you found this useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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285
Review of The Two Part Tale  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Gilly, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and I decided to stop in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any comments I might make, useful.

One of the elements within this story I really liked was the "old world Romanticism" There was such a dark and heavy aesthetic quality to it, like an Ann Rice novel, dark and forboding. Your story has a quality to it similar to silk brocade and tapestry. Am I making sense?

I also thought this was a unique storyline and with a little rewriting and editing I think this could be a first rate suspense/thriller.

I do have a some suggestions if I may? Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

First things first, I think as writer's we must remember how important it is to hook the reader with your first sentence/paragraph. I thought your opener was a little rough. "That’s the end for you number 31, how many more do I have to do before they come looking for me?" I had thought to myself as I lay down my recent victim, blood dripping from my lips and onto the corpse’s panic-stricken face." Good rule is it's best not to begin sentences with the word 'that' especially opening sentences. And then it might be more appealing to the eye to write your numbers under one hundred out. So 31 becomes thirty-one.

I thought a great place to open your story is with:" It was the winter of 1903, the year Krakow - Poland had entered the modern world. A political movement was set in motion and the old ways of nobility were becoming obsolete as the power was being passed into the hands of the people." Granted, there's not a lot of action but the historical/fiction draws readers in because it's intriguing. And you did mention the 'thirty one victims later in the story. So it doesn't need to be mentioned twice. Just a thought for you to ponder.

I wondered about the random use of capitalization. such as, Euphoria and Knowledge. I'm sure it has significance but I didn't really see its need.

The next thing I want to mention is the use of the passive verb 'had' and heavy reliance on the word 'that' which can litter our sentences. Of course, sometimes they are unavoidable, even much needed. I also noticed some wordiness. You could strike many of the 'had's and that's I took it upon myself to copy a few examples. See what you think.

defying all the laws that the Elders had enforced for centuries.

could not bring myself to commit my death by my own hand, not that I knew how. in this sentence I think maybe commit suicide would suffice so it reads like this: " I could not bring myself to commit suicide, besides, I'm not sure what method I could chose ?


In addition, to that, the fact that I was an overly emotional being[,] made my mission even harder than I'd had expected. You placed a comma after 'being' yet I don't sense a need for a pause here.

“Once they became aware of the degree of evil and disloyalty I'd had openly displayed[,] they would dispose of me without question or trial.”
perhaps in the quotes when the narrator is peaking, consider using italics?

“An outrageous massacre, leaving a trail of blood and questions behind me was sure to entice the elders” I had told myself,

I'd had only taken men and woman of pure malevolence as my victims, a partiality I'd had chosen, right from the start. At that point in my life, I hadn't not learnt the art of clairvoyance yet, but I would get a sense of one's soul as soon as I could smell their blood.

I had begun began contemplating whether or not to take the life of some one pure or holly. holy?

It was on the night when I had sought refuge in one of the deserted dungeons in Wawel Castle that my destiny changed

the perfume of her blood seemed to ignite[d] streams of fire through my veins. that’s Then when I noticed her eyes. They were a very unique, like that of a leopards, yet light green in colour,

I have met a man with a tormented soul, a man full of pain and regret, that who weeps like a babe and he seeks refuge and forgiveness, am I not right?

I had growled. I drank deep and hard, knowing that the flames could cause me just as much danger if I did not act fast ... thinking back now;

The last thing I want to mention is in the paragrpah beginning with "So there you have it young Byron..." There began a little confusion for me. I get the sense he's retelling a story and everything prior to that was past and the So there you have marks the present. It was a bit jarring. You might considering placing a break to denote to the reader a change in POV and tense?
Something like this

But firstly, let me introduce myself, I am Sister Marysia, Zosia Dobroslaw, yet I presume I shall have to renounce the sister part from now on”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“So there you have it young Byron, if that is not a tale that should give you faith in your life, and this gift that you have been given, then I am truly sorry.” William spoke the words with such sincerity that Byron could feel his stubbornness faltering.

Just some thoughts for you to consider.
 I know it seems like I've suggested a lot. But these are all easily addresses. I think this story is worthy of a determined rewrite. I think it has grand potential. There was already so much to like, it's essence, the tragic and tormented soul of the vampire. The strange yet compelling story he tells as he tried to self-destruct.

Also there were some wonderful examples of description:

The second her eyes met mine, she saw the demon flicker within them, a frightened moan escaped from her lips and she fell backwards. A smashing sound echoed through the dungeon, as her back hit the oil lamp, Glass piercing right through her side. The spilt oil immediately igniting and setting her ablaze. She began to scream in pure terror as the flames leaped up the back of her robes and down her arms. It was horrific, my heart felt as if it was breaking, I had not known kindness for so many years, but the smell of her blood drove me wild with thirst
I just thought the above sentence was alive and vivid and lovely in its baneness. So well done.

I think you have it within yourself to make the entire story come alive with such life and vitality as the above paragraph. The storyline is a unique approach to the usual overdone vampire story I think that's refreshing!

I hope you found this useful. Feel free to send an e-mail my way if you'd like me to re rate/review the edited version. It would be my pleasure.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of Spirited  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ForgetMeNot, I Congratulations on being featured in this weeks Romance newsletter. I decided to drop in and say hello, and of course, leave a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful

What a heart-warming and lovely story. Just the perfect amount of romance, sweet, inviting and simple.

I love the fact this was not your usual love story. I thought it was rather clever you allowed the past to 'collide' with the present and you even added another element: the Native American young man and his tribe. Wonderful!

There was such a sweet tone to this story, like honey drenched over your words but not in excess.*Delight* I sensed the delight she felt in their meeting, the sadness when she had to say good-bye and the confusion when she realized it was just a vision.

Excellent job with igniting emotion in the reader. I didn't get a real strong sense of Maria's character, but Koba was well characterized and I thought you captured his spirit/essence effectively.

I do have one suggestion if I may? Please know I offer this in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think it might help if you place spaces between your paragraphs. It helps the reader and makes your story look polished and professional.*Wink*

That's it! This was exceptionally well written. You chose your words well. Your descriptions of the setting and of the tribe were excellent bringing me into the story and delighting me subtleties and nuances.
*Bigsmile*

It's actually refreshing to see a young writer use romance and innocence as opposed to sex when writing their love story! I absolutely love that. This was simple and yet delightful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I thoroughly enjoyed this story and I think your writing is fresh, desriptive and energetic.

I hope you found this useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*



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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi EdR77203 I saw your story in this weeks "Short Story Newsletter" so I stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Aarrgh, Arrgh it's a good thing you love your children sir! I noticed you began your story saying how much you love your wife and children but ended it with with just a little note of exasperation (kids have a way of making you change into a loony lunatic in a matter of seconds) *Bigsmile*

I thought there were some wonderful examples of fine writing in this short story. The auditorium setting was quite hilarious and clever, aren't boys clever? I could sense your frustration of the moment. I bet you wanted to race out to the car, get the paper bag and put it over your head, all the while saying No! I am not their father *Bigsmile*

I thought the opening was quite endearing. How wonderful you love coming home to your wife and children! *Delight*

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

It would greatly help the reader if you would place spaces between your paragraphs. The mountain of text with no pause for the reader is a bit daunting on the eyes. Plus, it helps with presentation, making your story look more professional.

It is just that I look forward to coming home to my wife and my children. This was one day in particular that I was looking forward to... in the above sentence I underlined a little repetitivness. You might want to consider omitting one of them.

Mandy told me that I should teach my children better than that and she would see that I do I noticed you use the word 'that' a lot. That is necessary sometimes, other times, it tends to litter our sentences. I took it upon myself to strike some of them out. See what you think.


She just kept giving me that look that made me fear for my life. It was same look that the sisters of the Immaculate

The dump truck and the easy bake oven set were gifts from my sister in law, Mandy. My sister in law brings over different gifts to our children when the mood hits her. just a little repetition. Since you already established Mandy is your sister in law, you could just say she. Sometimes its okay to let the reader surmise. Not every description or detail is needed *Wink*

I thought this was rather funny and witty. It was also filled with the essence of love mixed with a little aggravation. But, hey, such is a parent's life. Joy and grief. They go hand in hand. Somehow we get through. And we allow them to live and grow and mature so they we can get 'payback' (children of their own)
*Bigsmile**Laugh*

I think you have the makings of a delightful story here. There were moments that were loving, funny and endearing. it just needs a little TLC in certain areas. Otherwise, well done.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope this was useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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288
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dave I decided to stop in and say hello. Thanks for inviting me. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might have, useful.

Well you are a little tease, Dave *Bigsmile*

Got me all revved up for Jaylene to give Cole-ys mom a piece of her mind but then, nothing but the end. Hm-mph. I see how you are. I guess I'll have to wait, or if this isn't a continuation, I guess I'll have to consider in my own mind what she might have said.
And I probably wouldn't have as much grace about the situation as Jaylene might.*Shock*

I thought this story was great. You did an excellent job with characterization. All four of your characters were defined and dimensional. Even the aggravating Cole's Mom. Who has no idea, the meaning of the word
decorum and integrity. *Laugh* It seems every family has one. But Grammy, can you rent her out? I need a Grammy like that.*Bigsmile*

I do have a couple of observations if I may? Keep in mine I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

" He head spins along with the fan that is set on low." It seems you missed the 'r' on He. I'm sure you meant "her?"

They all sat the small dinner table that only seemed to make sense in Florida in this above sentence is seems to be missing the 'at' the small table? very minor stuff. They didn't really interrupt the flow and pace of this otherwise well written and poignant story.

I'm from the Pacific Northwest, and you're right it does rain and our beaches are rocky and even craggy. Little to no sand. I've even recognized the Warshington *Bigsmile* Been guilty of it myself. My mom was from the South so she randomly put 'r's in a lot of things such as 'warshing' *Bigsmile*

I enjoyed this story immensely. I think you captured the emotions exceptionally well. I could see the facial expressions and the body language as it matched your words. Nice job!

Your descriptions and attention to detail were wonderful. Thanks for sharing this provocative and engaging story.

I hope you found this review useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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289
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi E E Coder I saw your story and thought I'd stop in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

I can't imagine how frightened one must feel with danger so close and having to leave so quickly. The flames were nearly licking the back of the truck. My goodness. How terrifying.

I thought the author did an exceptional job of creating the sense of danger and reacting to the threat of fire. The pace and flow of the story picked up to match the sudden danger of the raging fire. So well done.

Too, despite this was a short story, I thought there was good characterization with the husband and wife. Their actions and shouts were believable.

I thought the formatting was creative. To begin the story after the fire and then retell it bringing the readers into the terror of that fateful day helped to make the fire seem realistic as if it was happening in this moment. So well done.

I have no observations or suggestions to make because I saw nor errors or reader's blocks. Excellent!
Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this useful.

~write on! and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of The Skull  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Popcorn Joy, I saw your story and thought it might be just the right story for this gusty, dark and cold November night. Eeehh*Shock*Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make helpful.

Holy Cannoli! Talk about serving up some heebie jeebies*Bigsmile* as well as some creeps and chills.*Laugh*

Good job with building suspense as Martha heeded the ghosts warning to bring back the skull before everyone in town starting losing their skins, Yeow! What an adventure for a young lady and she remained quite brave and formidable through it all.

I thought your characterization of Martha was excellent, as a reader, I learned so much about her.
I thought your story was inventive and rousing.

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know I offer this in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I took it upon myself to strike out some of the 'had's and that's within your story. More than anything, it's just habit. 'That' is so casual and we use it so often as we talk, it becomes a habit and 'had' tends to hold back out sentences from being active.
no one had believed him. Michael said that the leader of the ghosts told him,

Yet, Michael had nothing to gain but ridicule by saying that he saw those ghosts, and thus,

the gypsies, had come came to her in a vivid dream.

After that, Martha...After that first dream in which she met her gypsy parents... just a little repetition with "after that"

Even stranger than that, some of them were without had no bark; yet, they were perfectly but still very much alive. Just some thoughts for you to ponder to make your sentences a but more active?

What if what the ghosts were making manifest was not stopped? here, I thought this sentence was a bit wordy and vague.

Of course, many of the suggestions are just observations. It doesn't mean what you wrote is wrong. They're just styling choices we make.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this chilling write. I thought your descriptions were phenomenal! I loved these: in the frigid weather, the trees stood naked, shivering and crackling, for the dead of winter reigned and the creek still flowed. beautifully worded!

the creek took a course of its own, snaking among the boulders in the bottom of the ravine and chanting as it flowed. It carried ice particles and snow drifts along its course, sometimes depositing them to amass on the fallen logs and branches, other times sneaking them under man-made, low, wooden bridges, without heeding the scepters of summer that stirred with the wind inside the dead, rust-colored leaves on the banks of the water.simply gorgeous use of language. Vivid imagery.

This was creative and compelling. I enjoyed your protagonists quest to save Nora's Creek though the end was really the end for all but Martha and her family. I wasn't expecting the end so nice twist!

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay long enough to read and review this unusual yet chilling read.

~write on! and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of The Ritual  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Tim Rodemann I saw your story on the Shameless Plug Page and I wanted to stop in to say hello. Thank you for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Holy cannoli! what a living nightmare. I thought your story was compelling and well written.

It was believable despite the fact I was wondering how something like that could possibly happen. I didn't want to believe the courts and justice system could make sure a brazen mistake with someone who was so un criminal like, and yet it was just far-fetched enough to know it could happen. *Wink* So good job with building confidence in your reader.

I thought your words were well chosen and most effective.

I do have a few observations to make if I may? Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

It seemed like the narrator was standing back a bit, more fully committed to the storyline rather then the character. I felt like the author did a great job with telling the story using appropriate technical words and jargon and yet, didn't allow the readers into the mind of the character.

Really all I know is she loves her morning cup of coffee and quiet time, that her children are grown and she hasn't ever been in trouble. But I wondered about her feelings: her anger, her frustration, confusion and shame. The narrator tells us she feels all these emotions but I didn't get a sense of them. The story was a lot of tell and not enough show.

You have many elements of effective storytelling here. I just felt it was lacking emotion. You started to add some dialogue, but more during the trial would be really effective and some conversations with the lawyer and what about her children and friends? She didn't seem to have any support system. Just thoughts for you to ponder.

In the following sentence I think 'was'needs to replace 'were'? My clothing consisted of one pair of under garments and an ill fitting jumpsuit which were only washed once a week.

As far as grammar and the mechanics of writing, near perfect! exceptional! *Delight*

I thought the storyline was excellent. I believe it possible. It just lacks a little emotion and some dialogue would be great. Otherwise, an interesting and evocative piece. *Wink*

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on! and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi D.W. Wulf, I saw your story on the Shameless Plug Page and stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in to your port. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

There was this calming and soothing essence to your story while you were in the midst of the dream. As a reader, it was obvious to me, those were grand and joyous times. I felt the comfort as you watched yourself play as a small boy.

It was a different perspective and the descriptions were vivid. I especially thought this was nice, sort of a ethereal essence to it: and saw through my eyelids the brilliance of the light disappearing. I could envision this and it was welcoming and warming.

There is this contemplative mood about this piece. I didn't really sense the 'misery' until you used the word.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? Please know I offer them in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I did notice a little repetitivness throughout your story. Repeating same words or phrases which you might consider rewriting.

Just a typo here in this sentence with sitting sat. "Sitting sat" back down, all I could do was accept defeat for now..and wait.

The only way I knew I was even moving was that the light was getting larger. I thought this sentence was a bit wordy. Perhaps:It didn't seem like I was moving and yet, the light was getting larger.? Well something like that.

I kept moving forward, expecting the light to get too bright to look at, yet I was able to keep my eyes on it...walked forward, braced myself,
one example of repetitivness.

I couldn’t see where it was coming from, so I ran up to a hill to the left of me to see where it might have came from. It look exactly like the house I grew up in. That house in the distance was, in fact, the same house I grew up in.
A bit repetitive. Might consider finding alternatives? Just a thought to ponder.

I think it's hard to write about dreams especially if its a 'real dream' trying to recreate its essence isn't easy. I thought you did a superb job of recreating! *Wink*

There was this wonderful aesthetic quality to the dream as you were experiencing it. So well done in that respect.

I saw a few minor issues, all so easily addressed if you so choose. And the ending was different wasn't expecting the sorrow after the joy. So nice twist there. I wonder now as I read, If I felt the misery because you used the word or if it was evident in the tone. A thought for me to ponder. *Wink*

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on!and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of Baby Talk  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi kawheeta, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in and say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make use.

I think you've written a realistic story here. It seems under similar circumstances this is about how some doctor's and nurses treat their patients. How frightening that must of been to have the doctor say so nonchalantly, you have MS. With no explanation of the disease, no care or concern and no ideas/thoughts of what treatments or options the patient has. Goodness.

I would hope most experiences aren't like this but I'm sure they are.

To be so disorientated and for them not not to give you the status of the wife, well that must of been heart-stopping.

I think you portrayed the feelings well. Though your story was short, I got a pretty clear picture of the character and of his worries and questions.

I do have one observation if I may? Please know I offer this in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

{c;blue} My only observation is to watch your use of 'that' It can litter our sentences if we overuse them and often times our sentences can be written without them. I took it upon myself to 'strike' out some of them.

Matt blinked his eyes; trying to focus on the road ahead seemed impossible. The oncoming traffic vanished behind a huge black ball that was highlighted with dancing sparkles of bright light. He shook his head again hoping that the vigorous action would make the cars ahead reappear---and it did; only now there was two of everything. His brain couldn’t tell him which side of the road the oncoming traffic was on. Taking his foot off the accelerator, he gently applied pressure to the brake hoping that he could slow down before slamming into something.
Pointing these out doesn't mean your way is wrong. It's just styling choices.

Other wise the story was well written. I don't have any no suggestions nor any other observations to make on the mechanics of writing. It was an example of solid writing skills with many elements of effective storytelling. So well done.

I hope this has been of some use to you. Thank you for allowing me to stay awhile.

~write on! and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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294
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi The Poet, I stopped by your port to say hello and to leave a review. Thank you for the opportunity to read your prose/poetry. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

I certainly get a sense of the tragic in this item. I sense the tone of regret and lament. It's sorrowful because the hope has been lost and hope is what incites our soul to survive/dream/excel. That aspect is troubling.

I think you have a great sense of 'mischance' here and the overall essence while steeping with melancholy
is profound in its symbolism.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? Please know I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

winters love here I think winter's love is possessive?

hopfiled a typo with this and I think you meant to write hope filled?

that il never I'm not sure the 'that' is necessary in this line and did you mean I'll never?

that i now call here again, you could safely omit the 'that' for a more smoother flow to your line?

I'm not sure this stands as poetry because of the formatting. If you want it to be poetry it could be because many elements of poetry exists. Rhyme, meter, rhythm, metaphor ect. You might want to consider making your lines into separate stanzas. Of course, this is just a suggestion. *Wink*

Also, I always question the use of the lower case 'i' in writing. Grammatically/traditionally it's wrong but certainly some great poets (e.e. Cummings and such) have utilized the 'i' and with great success.
in this instance I can say it works because the lowercase 'i' helps to deliver the insignificance the narrator feels about his essence/his soul.

Overall, there is this dark and brooding essence. I sense much of what the narrator is saying and it was said well. My favorite line is: Countless sorrows thoughtless nights lost in cold country days dreaming of warm city nights." This is just lovely. Outstanding! *Wink*

I think you have the makings of a poem with a powerful underlying meaning...your words are evocative. I think it needs a little perfecting, nothing major.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Thank you for letting me stay awhile.

~poem on! and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of Tree Lice  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
hello Rue, I stopped by your port to say hello and to leave a review. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

The title drew me in. How unusual I thought.

There are certain areas within your story that startled me a bit. Made my mind stand-to-attention, so-to-speak. Not necessarily in a bad way, just a reaction to some of your word choices and some of your different approaches to sentence structure. For instance: "...life was dictating a contrasting situation." or "Gloves holding the default color of white."or "their love mocked the conditions outside" I like it because its original and yet certainly not 'traditional' You seem to have your own flair and style. *Wink*

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

After reading your story, I wonder how the title relates? it could be me however, I've been known to miss a theme or storyline.

I'd like to suggest perhaps doing a scan for the passive verb 'had' and the word 'that'. That can get overused. We use it a lot when we talk so we tend to carry it over when we write. most times, it's not needed.
Just like she'd had been dreading, the time came had come, and had it passed. The front door to the warm house shut, and Trent ran to his car in attempt to stay moderately dry. She didn't think of this as she watched though her bedroom window Did you meanthrough instead of though?

A fine razor blade smiled at her. It's teeth shown sharply; ready to bite her wrist. I'm not sure about the razor blade smiling and about it having teeth. yeow and goodness. When I think of this image, I think of shark...jaws. Just a thought to consider. *Wink* Perhaps: A fine razor blade glistened at her or a fine silver razor blade reflected... just thoughts to consider.

There were a few more instances where I felt you could do without the 'had' I just wanted to give you an example of what I was suggesting.

I think you have a unique and original approach to fiction stamped with your own flair and style. Certainly 'your own' and that's awesome! *Delight*

I do think this could be a bit stronger with more depth of feeling. The passive verbs weigh sentences down and hold your sentences back. The word that can litter sentences if we rely on them to heavily. Also, I didn't get a real sense of character development here other than Asyln challenging her parent's decision and most memorable, the cutting.

I think this has grand potential. I think you have this nice contemporary edge to your writing.

I hope this has been useful to you. Thank you for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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296
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi quietfire I decided to visit your port today for a read and review. hello! Thanks for the opportunity to read this story. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

There is this quiet strength that is so heart-warming. The grandfather's loving instruction to his grandson comes easy and softly but with so much wisdom.

I loved the mellow tone of this piece. It is wonderful and soothing. *Wink*

Some of your descriptions were gorgeous: such as "He bit. Juices spurted and drooled down the mouth of the boy. Then with mouth and cheeks full, he giggled openly and loudly into the quiet crisp chill of the early October air." Excellent! I can vision these and it makes me smile. And:
The orchard was plump with color, reds, greens, washes of orange, and yellows. The branches were all heavy in fruit. again, beautiful imagery.

He loved the stories told him and now thoughts that perhaps he might write his own. This sentence seems a bit unfinished to me. His curiosity rose like a wave approaching the shore {nice description}

"...trees swayed sluggishly in the fall breeze. The man and the boy together admiring the fruits and all the beauty, as the leaves like rubbing petticoats, rustled in the breeze. in the above sentence, I question the need for 'rubbing' it seems to offset the rest of the sentence.

Looking upon their cracks and binds one could draw similarities with the lines found on the old man's face
again, superb details! "...sun which climbed steadily into the skycleaving a path over the trees on its way to deliver the day I love the use of 'cleaving' in this context. It works wonderfully *Delight*

guietfire, I liked this so much. Much of your imagery, descriptions and details were simply gorgeous. The overall ambiance of the story was welcoming. The rapport between grandfather and grandson was profound and poignant.

I offer the few observations in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective. More than anything, I would consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. The mountain of text is a bit daunting on a reader's eyes, plus it looks cleaner and more professional with breaks between paragraphs.

Otherwise, I think this has moments of brilliance. I think it needs a bit more 'perfecting' to buff out the few rough spots in order so shine even more brilliantly.

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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297
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Nicolina I'm visiting your port today to 'pay it forward' Thanks for visiting my port! Thanks for inviting me into yours. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.


Alright you went and did it, piqued my interest enough to incite me to continue on reading Olivia's story *Wink*

This doesn't seem to be the normal, birth, baby adoption story. I sense there is something amiss in this family in Olivia's past. Woo hoo suspense *Bigsmile*

A few choice words convinced me this is an unusual setting, world and storyline: words such as another 'plant', 'electronic door' 'unorthodox operation' ect.

I think you did a good job of introducing characters and one theme with your prologue. Already, I can sense so much from so little: Olivia's a loving mother whose heart is about to break, she gave birth but not her husbands, her husband can be ruthless and cold...and I baby that being adopted. *Delight*

You gave the readers more in 7kb than many can do in twice that. So great job.

I thought this was well written. Your words were craftily chosen and effective. I could sense the sadness and heart-wrenching pain. So great job with making the reader feel emotion.

I saw no errors and I have no sugggestions Nicolina. I'll be sure to read on! I hope you found this review useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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298
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Joe Wong thank you for the opportunity to read your story which I hijacked off the Shameless Plug page and decidedly interrogated. Your story was read under extreme duress because of my suspicion of terrorism. *Bigsmile*

Haha! I couldn't resist. Holy Cannoli! This was fantastic. Talk about social commentary

Hey, I think you could officially quit your day job *Bigsmile* *Laugh* and become a stand-up-comedian for the FBI (or sit-down) either way. Because hey this was excellent.

I found this to be witty and clever and steeped in irony. Ahh,the metaphors of life complete with national, religious and political icons and yes, the government in all it's vagueness. The agony of Politics in all its domestic affairs and foreign affairs and (affairs). Wow, talk about cynical satire. But I loved it! *Delight*

This was well written. Your comic timing is superb. Your words were harsh and biting and yet laced with truth and humor.

{c"blue}This is in many ways a sad, sad exposition on the state of affairs in America. All our hit and misses in diplomacy. Complete with social outcasts and political outcasts and ahh, the irony speaks volumes.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions that could possible improve this satirical look into the times, terrors and treason of America past, present and most undoubtedly future. But there is always hope. What a paradox!

I thought this was brilliant! I think it needs an award*Wink*

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for writing this entertaining, engaging and insightful essay/story.

~write on! and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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299
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Sam N. Yago thanks for inviting me in to read this short story which I found on the Shamless Plug Page. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

I thought this was delightful. Why is it our most embarrassing memories are from back in elementary or grade school? Perhaps it's because those are certainly impressionable years and we are trying to discover our own unique groove. Perhaps it's because we are so innocent and we strive so hard for approval. They really are the 'wonder years'

Oft times our experiences make for excellent stories, this is no different. I enjoyed this witty and humorous story, where it seems, you were the brunt of your own mistake (soft-boiled eggs are to be enjoyed only in the seclusion of your own home)But hey, we have to learn to laugh, even if it's at ourselves. *Wink*

I do have one observation to make. Please keep in mind I offer this opinion in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
Early in the day, I discovered that I was the only one who prepared his egg soft-boiled. I remember feeling slightly triumphant in that fact, I'm certain that Ms. Celis was not truly evil...doesn't mean that it wasn't comprised of other, more positive life-shaping experiences. There were nine months in that a semester, and I'm certain there were plenty memorable moments-- that shouldve been memorable I took it upon myself to strike out some of the 'that's which can litter our sentences and a few other words I thought you could omit. Just thoughts for you to ponder.

This was such fun to read. It was light-hearted and spirited, witty and there were really some wonderful examples of writing. Some of my favorites:

Ms. Celis's first name might as well have been Satan. (b} I'm sure I had her evil twin *Bigsmile*Ms. Celis, of course, was in that picture, a foreboding matriarch amidst of sea of nearly identical looking little Filipino boys. superb image *Wink* We all had a similar look of horror on our faces. *Shock*
She explained to me the elaborate process of boiling an egg, which, at the time, sounded absolutely fascinating to me. Of course, I also found snails and slugs fascinating back then. this is so endearing *Wink*

I thought this was simple but not simplistic. There was this disarming charm to it that was welcoming.
I prefer soft-boiled eggs but really, you must time them three minutes after they start to boil. Sounds like you had a two minute egg,*Laugh* which explains why it was so gooey Yeow! I felt your humiliation! thanks for the laughs *Delight*

Hey thanks for sharing and for allowing me stay stay awhile. I hope you found this review helpful.

!~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of dreaming EDSA  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi bobby, thanks for the opportunity to read your story which I found on the Request a review page. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may leave, helpful.

Wow, what a disturbing and dark piece. Holy Cannoli, something is amiss and I'm not sure if it's a dream or the reality of man with mental illness or drugs, but goodness!

All your benighted words and overall tone of desperateness make this a chilling read. I'm not sure what it all means but it was evocative. I'm wondering though, should it be so ambiguous? Or is it just me? It could be me. *Wink*

Any way sir, I have a few suggestion to make. Please know I offer them in a spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering you one reader's perspective.

Formatting is essential to the overall story and I think it would look cleaner and more professional and help the reader if you'd consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. *Wink*

The only other aspect of this haunting story I noticed was the heavy reliance on the word 'that' Often times, 'that's is necessary and unavoidable. other times, it litters our sentences and they could do without them. We use them because they come so natural in our speech. I took it upon my self copy a few sentences and struck out the that. See what you think.

are horrible; some are beautiful, too beautiful in their grotesqueness that they look divine. Those that he thought ugly, are very beautiful indeed, and those that he thought beautiful—

David knew, right from the start that he too has some truth to tell, truth that he hides at the back of his mind, truth that he denies

Just a few observations for you to consider. They're not wrong but they can weigh a sentence down and since your tone and words are heavy already, i think removing some of them may make your sentences more active and effective. Again, just a thought to consider.

Wow, I love your haunting and dark descriptions, the images were bleak and 'grotesque' Well done. This is also very contemplative. I really liked this series of sentences and imagery: But you should be—!” Slime and rubbish suddenly gushed out David’s mouth, and his tongue forks, like to those hideous lizards he had seen on movies. He held his mouth, kept silent, until he’s ok again. “I’ll endure it,” he thought, “to tolerate petty falsehood is lesser evil than to hurt. And fortitude too, is courage”. His justifications shamed him, but he has to appease his mind. He is neither strong nor wise. He can never be like those beautiful people who exercise their grotesqueness gracefully. Little by little he withdraws from the crowd, stays by the [sideway,] and sat. almost apocalyptic! Excellent.
the word sideway in the brackets is two words, I believe unless it's sideways?

Thank you for allowing me to read and review this unusual yet compelling story. I hope you found this useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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