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401
401
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Cool and happy cougar, I saw this story featured in this week's newsletter. Thought I'd give it a review."The Hannaria Series: Out of the Gray" 

And I'm glad I did! This is a great story. Goes to show you in, even in a big city, its a small, small world.

I would of loved being a fly on the wall at dinner time in Jenny and Greg's house. *Bigsmile*

That would of been some reunion!

I thought this was well written. I didn't see any erros and I can make no suggestions.

The Pb}pace and flow was great. The storyline was believable. Good characterization considering there were quite a few characters, but not too many to keep track of.

And more importantly this story is timeless. It is a theme for todays times and yesterdays...and probably tomorrows. There was a great lesson to be learned in this story...much more than just karma.

I thought this story was engaging and just unfortunate that we have to learn the lesson of empthaty and goodwill by the poor choices we make. But all lessons in life...hopefully teach us tolerance, perseverance and basic kindness. Well done with this solid well organized insightful story

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
402
402
Rated: E | (4.5)
{c;orange}Hi Ryguy, this is a review for your short story"Did I Ever Tell You?" .

Hey, Mr Dawes is like a Forest Gump
Goodness...I bet if this story was longer...he could ramble on about how he wrote history and how he was involved in the making of history. I could see how this guy would be irritating but in a endearing way. Yeow! *Bigsmile*

I thought you did a good job with characterizing Mr. Dawes and Tara. She's so ornery...typical teenager.

I thought this was a creative story...and I can see its potential.

The beginning started slow for me...I was wondering where it was going.

I was a bit unnerved by Colleen's language...it was difficult for me to read (it could be because It's been awhile since I've been around toddlers}

Mid-way into the story to the ending this story came alive. I think the beginning was just lacking a little focus.

I think your word usage is very good and this was error free. I saw no errors in grammar or mechanics. Well done! However, I'd like to suggest working on the format.

Indent your paragrpahs and then place spaces between your paragrpahs. It's just the mountain of text is a bit daunting.

I wondered why Mrs Dawes was so indifferent. She seemed so detached from her family.

I wondered why Mr and Mrs Dawes was used so frequently. You could use, he she, or mom and dad. Just a thoguht to ponder.

I thought the ending was great. I was able to connect with the father and it made me feel for him a bit. His family doesn't seem to appreciate him or understand him.

Ok, so he's a braggart. But he seems kind-hearted too..or least that's how he seemed characterized. Anyway...you did a fine job on this. I feel it could be better. The beginning is a bit slow and needs a bit more focus. And the format needs to be presented in a cleaner light. But other than this small stuff...good work.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
403
403
Review of The Kennel  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ryguy, this is a review for your short story"The Kennel" 


this is certainly a different twist on the 'idea' and conception of the word pet! Yeow. No sure I much like the reference to humans as pet...but it was creative.

And it was written fairly well...mechanically and grammatically speaking. So well done. I saw no errors.

I do have a few suggestions if I may interject?

I had to reread your story because I was a little confused. To me, it first read like you were leaving the city to go to the kennel in the Country, so when you got to what was described as city, with exceedungly tall buildings...I was a bit lost.

So, I reread...and then I was pretty sure, I read you were in the country but traveled to the city to go to the kennel...then it made more sense...Your opening paragrpah talked about a city however, that is where my confusion began....you might consider making the setting a bit more clear...so readers don't have to work so hard.

The opening paragraph, by the way, was great.

" Some are noted for their speed with strong musculature in the hind legs while others can be quite intelligent, making them very responsive to learning tricks." 'masculature' is a word, but it doesn't seem to fit in the context of this sentence. It could be me however, maybe I'm not sure of the words orgin?

"Others, like your own perhaps, are noted for their generally happily demeanor, rushing up to you after you come home from work" 'generally happily demeanor' is a bit much...'happily' isn't the right form of the word for this context. perhaps just, happy demeanor.

"Upon finding the body midway through the morning, she almost collapsed in shock" This sentence jarred me a bit. Later on in the story, I discoverd its meaning, but at first, it seemed to come out of thin air. Just a thought to ponder.

I questioned the need for all the information from the matron about the one blur on their record...I thought it was odd, she'd offer such info even if the missus was going to ask.

I want to know...what kind of animals were our owners. Just curious. Yeow, this is a creepy thought. Glad its only fiction! *Bigsmile**Laugh*

I thought this was certainly creative and unique. I think you did a fine job with the mechanics of writing, very few to no errors. Most of the observations I had were based on ambiguity or a few questionable word choices. I think this short story could be strenghtened by clearing up some of the confusion.{/b|

Of course this is just my opinion given humbly.

I hope this has been useful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
404
404
Review of The Letting Go  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Redtowrite, this is a review for your short story"The Letting Go" .

This was a tremdoulsy emotional story. The journey with the nurse and Johnny was poignant and deeply affecting.

This was a tug-at-your-heart-strings story. And it was difficult to keep composure by the end of your story. The ending was lovely and sad, but calming.

I do have some suggestions if I may. It seems, throughout your story...you went from writing numbers out such as eighteen-years old to 55 years old. Then you would write out two o'clock a.m.

My point is it was a bit distracting. I would suggest writing all numbers out under one-hundered. This is styling choice. But if you decide to use the numbers, at least make them consistent because there are a lot of numerical values used in this story...from eighty % to 5 and 6 and 2 hours late to eleven p.m. Just a thought to ponder.

"It was a Isolation room." I believe the 'a' should be 'an'isolation room. And I wonder about capitalizing Isolation? You also wrote "no code" in caps. Perhaps, if you want to emphasize the phrase, use no code?

"He needs cleaning up but if you distu." I'm not familiar with this word...it is a medical term?

I think 'blossum' should be blossom? Just wondering.

"In a burn unit he would...' comma after unit.

"Then Johnnny then had a seizure.' Perhaps "Johnny then had a seizure."

The only other suggestion I have is format. You may want to consider indenting your paragrpahs and making you paragrpahs longer with spaces. They seem to break in odd places. This wil enhance the pace and flow evenmore.

These were minor and easily addressed if you choose.

I think this is a beautiful story nearly perfectly written. I was impressed with all your technical/professional knowledge of nursing and machinery and medications. Your terminnology was proficient and believable.

This was a compelling read. Asorbing and gripping and sorrowful.

Thanks for sharing.

~write on and peace~ kjo(e:flower3}
405
405
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi security pillow, this is a review for your poem "Waves Come Crashing" .

What I like about this poem was the repititive use of 'when the waves came crashing in' wonderful methaphor for the crashing in of emotions. This is full of passion and emotion.

It has a wonderful aesthetic quality to it...lustful and sad and yet...evocative.

The rhyme is different...five line stanzas with the rhyme scheme b and e. yet, I liked it...it was appealing. Your meter was a bit off...but no matter.

It still at a nice cadence to it mostly from the use of craftly shosen words.

Indeed, your words were precise
"and presents grew from fingertips and wandered off." this was very nice...

"Remember always how my summer left for autumn,
and the waves came crashing in,
when you weren't here." this was lovely.

Though I do question the random use of capitalization...I think you've capitalized the first word of every stanza and that suffices.

Otherwise, no technical, grammar or other errors in mechanics.

There was a melancholy undertone and yet...a sense of peace..a calmness. Well done.

I hope this has been useful

~poem on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*


And

406
406
Review of Outback Honeymoon  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Lady Oz, this is a review for your short story"Outback Honeymoon" 

I'm green with envy...talk about the bliss of the blushing bride! You were suppose to be so in love that it blinded you to the imperfections of that least than tasteful honeymoon suite! Yeow! *Bigsmile**Laugh*

Just messing with ya.

What a great expereince ...and sure, one you could laugh about in the comfort of a Holiday Inn.

Madge seems like a real winner...I'm surprised she didn't off the happy couple...a swig from her bottle of Jim Beam, before she swaggered off! *Laugh*

I thought this was[b} entertaining and humorous (of course its always better to get a laugh at the expense of someone else's frustration) I suppose, I would felt the same way. I'll be sure to never fall for an add for some devine and charming cottage in the Outback that brags about its swimming pool and tennis courts. Yeow! *Bigsmile*

"Its rusty corrugated roof complemented the torn screens on the enclosed patio, giving the place a distinct air of peaceful dilapidation." excellent characterization of the cottage. *Wink*

I did spot a couple rough spots in my read: "as we reached the main house Greg.." comma after 'house'

"A minature swamp, the water in it was a thick green soup." I thought the sentences was a bit awkward. It might be better served switched so it reads like this: Thewater in this minature swamp was as thick as green soup and twitching with insect life" great image!

"As we approached the main house she..." comma after 'house'

"with keys in hand we drove..." comma after 'hand

These are minor and easily addressed if you choose.

Otherwise an entertaining story with comedic undertones with excellent characterization of Madge and the house.

I could see a billion stars shining. Nice!*Delight*

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
407
407
Review of Good Call  
Rated: E | (3.0)
{c;blue}Hi touchstone, this a review for your sort story "Good Call" .

What I liked about this short story was its ambiance and essence. There is a lovely undertone that suggests a passionate love affair which still nudges the character and forces him to reminiscene. Which in turns gives this short story its appeal.

Your title is a play on words...considering the theme of your story. Clever and well thought out.

What didn't work for me...is I couldn't quite grasp its full meaning. It like the theme was presented and then the author wandered and meandered about without fully committing to the subject.

There was a lot of repitition. Saying the same thing over just saying it in different ways. I feel you could omit a lot of words without losing focus and in fact, adding effectiveness.

"I recovered quickly, and said that I felt a cold shiver run up my spine." Here I would consider finding a different word for 'run' because its pretty common...make it your words... perhaps I felt a shiver sweep up my spine..."

"That was not what I had felt, but it would satisfy her curiosity." here you might want to use more active voice: "I felt a cold shiver sweep up my spine...It's not true, but it would satisfy her curiosity."

"I could not tell her the truth. Not because it was something she couldn't handle or would not understand. Rather because she had never been told and it had all faded away over the years. We had never discussed any past relationships either of us had prior to our marriage and I certainly did not want to start now." I just thought this sentence was ladened down with wordiness;

how about" I couldn't tell her the truth, not now, not after so many years. It's not because she couldn't handle the truth, but rater because, we'd never talked about past relationships. What good could come from sharing it now?"

Just thoughts to ponder. You want to make every word count. For instance in this cluster of sentences, there is wordiness and repition.

"It could range in intensity and duration dependent on the depth of emotion in which it was sent. Here you could stikewith which it was sent. It's okay to allow the reader surmise. "During the time we were together"...we know you were together...you could strike out during the time we were together and just say in a more direct active voice "Our calls to each other might be a gentle reminder or a precursor to a telephone ringing or the full impact of emotion together with all the senses engaged image, sound, smell and taste, all dependent on the state of mind of the sender. And it was now returning.

Again, just suggestions based on one reders persepctive meant to only be helpful.

This was peculiar to me...call me slow...but I don't grasp the meaing of Adam's housecat?" *Confused*
"Her life to me now is as alien as Adam's housecat.

I think this is interesting and creative. Certaily unique. [/b}Obviously there was a strong conncection between the other woman of the past but I was also left with questions...if it was so magical and beautiful, what happened?

They had what seemed to be a profound and meaniful relationship on many levels.

I think the subject is arresting. There just needs to be a little polishing so this piece can really shine. Buff out the repitiveness and wordiness. This was grammatically and mechanically correct otherwise.

I think you have a story with huge potential.

I hope this has been useful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
408
408
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi cool and happy cougar. This is a review for your article"Book 3: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished" .

This was a reflective and thought-provoking essay. Clearly written and easy to follow with a good pace and flow.

I thought it was great you used your own personal experinces and beliefs to make this short piece effective and comprehensible.

There was a subtly to your examples and yet...there was an underlying theme of strength by useful word choices. Well done.

This was suggstive but not harsh...just gentle in its ideas giving this short piece insightfulness.

The only suggestion I have if I may...is scan for the overuse of 'that'.Often times the word 'that' doesn't offer much to our sentences and can be omitted adding even more strength to our sentences. Just a thought to ponder, but for example: "After several experiences like that, I began thinking at night just before falling asleep--Why are some people so afraid of God that they want to strip recognition of Him completely out of our culture? I'd only been to church maybe 20 times before the age of 18, but the idea that there was a loving God who sent Jesus to save us--despite all our screw ups--made more sense to me than the secularized alternatives that some people seem to want forced on my generation.

That's not freedom or fairness at all in my opinion"

In this short cluster of sentences you used the word 'that' five times and yet, as I was reading, I noticed almost all could be omitted: After several similar experiences, I began thinking at night just before falling asleep--Why are some people so afraid of God they want to strip recognition of Him completely out of our culture? I'd only been to church maybe 20 times before the age of 18, but the idea there was a loving God who sent Jesus to save us--despite all our screw ups--made more sense to me than the secularized alternatives some people seem to want forced on my generation.

In my opinion, this is not freedom or fairness. "

Just a suggestion. And I think its best to write your numbers out fifteen year-old and twenty times...

Otherwise a good article, insightful and thought-provoking with gentle persuasion rather than harsh commands. Well done.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
409
409
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Adrian Domadred, this is a review for your short story"Dancing in the Moonlight." .

Welcome to writing.com. I see you are a new community memeber.

Adrian what I like about this very short piece is the aesthecic quailty of this piece. Its tone is full of passion and provocativeness. It's what makes this piece inviting to read. Great title as well. The title itself, suggests romance and passion. Well done this with these elements of writing a short story. *Delight**Wink*


What didn't work for me was the technical aspects of this story. It was littered with numerous mistakes in the grammar and mechanics of writing. It's obvious to me that you have a flair for setting the tone and writing creatively as far as storytelling, but you really need to scan for errors.

I think this is worthy of a determined rewrite Adrian. Here's some of what I found as I was reading
"She said she would be here soon, perhaps it was a sign of my anciousness that i was here." A fewthings wrong with this sentence: this is two complete sentences. Repalce the comma with a period and begin a new sentence with 'perhaps'. 'anciousness' is mispelled it should be anxiousness. And always capitalize 'i' *Wink*

"The grade inwhich i stood was dark, the last lingering..." inwhich is two words 'in which' and again, capitalize the 'i'

"...whispered to those with the patience the hear..." replace 'the hear' with 'to hear'?

"She had been at a friends wedding, i searching for peace in the quiet night." cap the 'i' and I think this last pasrt of the sentence would flow better if you wrote "I was searching..." if you add the 'was' replace the cooma after 'wedding' with a semicolon or period...because it becomes two setences.


"...framed the moment i saw her....when i noticed her...as i looked at her...i might have turned away...i admired her beauty..." capitalize all 'i' *Smile*

"i admired her beauty, her red gown accentuating the gentle curve of her body, her face..." replace all comma with a period because they are complete sentences.

"it was looking at her face that i noticed..." i is I

"In that simple motion a deathknell sounded..." comma after 'motion'


The ending was very lovely, again, a wonderful aesthetic mood and tone. You must be a poet, I can sense it in your writing. *Delight*

This is full of passion and romance. You have a flair for creating the scene. I think this is a good story that could be made stronger with some rewriting efforts to clean up the errors. This piece can shine brillianty...buff out those errors...it's worthy.

Please don't get discouraged by the lower rating. It was based on the techinal aspects of this story. If you rewrite and edit...and would like me to revist this piece...just ask.

Good luck.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
410
410
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Web~Witch, this is a revie for your short story"The Lost Lady (contest version)" .


To not have any memeory what so ever would have to be the worst. I can't imagine!

I thought you told this short story effectively.

It was also well written. What a horrible, lonely and frustrating situation it must be to have absolutely no recollection of who you are and then to be told you are bring a life into a world where you have no part in. Wow. Your ending was great...I suspect it is exactly how a person in a situation as this would truly feel. Infact, everyone would be a stranger...for awhile.

I didn't see any errors! Well done. i have no suggestions...other than that...if the contest is over...this would be a great theme for a longer story. I'd like to see this developed more. *Delight*

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
411
411
Review of The Game  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Shannon, I'm reading this short story"The Game" from this week's newsletter. Congradulations on being featured.

In deed, the world is a scary place. In every small town off the byways and every large city off the highways and everything in between, this world is a scary place.*Cry*

What a tender-hearted, inncocent and yet, sadly profound story this was.

It started with such inocence and wonder...and ended with the 'loss of innocence' and the 'beginning of fear, sorrow and disbelief' How frightening. The underlying theme...a brutal exposition of how cruel this world can be. Our children aren't safe!

This was well written and exceptionally told. Powerful and poignant. It tears at the readers heart-strings and tugs at our soul.

Every word you used was effective. Precise and sharp...like daggers to steadily draw the reader in.

Well done. I saw no errors and I have no suggestions.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
412
412
Review of The Orchid Bride  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Kïyã§ama is THRILLED, this is a review of your short story "The Orchid Bride" .

Conradulations on this contest winner. What a lovely story. Simple, easy top read and delightful.

This was exceptionally well written, but I expected no less. For I have read your items before, they are always well written and polished.

This life a Fatima and her familty was beautifully told. I could picture her filtering water of its impurities and walking with the jug on her head.

Vivid imagry. Rich and prolific descriptions...not heady and laden...just nicely balanced.

The lovely nuances of your character...the blushing...the teasing as she walked Usman...well, I was right beside them.

The conflict she experinced living with her husband and missing some of the simplier joys she had back in the villiage were effectively portrayed. She questioned her life with a tinge of sorrow perhaps even regret and yet...she still found a glimmer of hope. Nice!

This was simply lovely. Poingnat and elegantly told.

I found no errors. I have no suggestions.

Write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
413
413
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)

Hi C Moore -- BCD This is a rerating and rerviewing of your short story "Starting Over -- 1516" .

Hi! Thanks for the invite back after you've rewritten.

I can see many of the changes you've made and this reads easier. The flow and pace has been spiced up and much of the clarity has been improved. I like that you kept the opening paragraph...that is still the best! *Bigsmile**Smile*

Don't get discouraged...I still see some areas I had difficulty with. This is a natural process. It takes a long time to refine and perfect a story. At least it does for me. For example, I have short stories in my port, I have been slicing and dicing and reworking for 15 years. And still, I get suggestions for improvment.

Best advice I can give you...is writing takes time. learn from the process of editing and rewriting. And of course, all the comments and suggstions from our peers on writing.com help in this process.

Just don't get discouraged. Good ness! I'm not suggesting its going take a long time to refine this, it was just an example and it's my example.

Here's some of what I found: "I could see with a little work and commitment at where it would lead." It's great you used active voice! however, This sentences is awkward. Perhaps: I know hard work and commitment means success. " sometimes being direct is better. Or I cand see where hard work and commitment will result in..."

"To be completly honest with myself I did catch it but I chose to ignore." comma after 'myself'

If I would allow myself to accept the truth at the beginning I would..." comma after 'beginning'

"In the end I" comma after 'end'

"Chose not to believe until undeniable, guilty
of all charges evidence of David's wrong doings was placed right in my face" For me, this sentence is unclear. Basically, its a fragment with no pornoun/noun

Perhaps: I chose not to believe eventhough all the evidence of his lies and deciet were in front of me..." Something to that effect.

"This town was small enough that I had to see some of my critic on regular basis." 'that
' doesn't add much interst to this sentnece. Also 'critic' should be plural and you're missing 'a' before reg. Perhaps: This town was so small I couldn't help but see many of my critics on a regular basis.
Well, you get my point.

"It was hard on me to accept the fact there would always be those felt I was liar and should be held as accountable as he was for allowing it to go on as long as I did. " This sentences is very wordy and vague. Basically, what you are saying here is the community wants her to be accountable for his actions just because she knew.

Perhaps: It hurts knowing many in this town blame me and believe I should be held accountable for his actions just because I didn't disclose his lies earlier. It doesn't seem fair.

Again, you get my point.

I still have some questions that are left unanswered. I'm not really sure what this story is about exactly. I know she is starting over after a difficlt relationship. I get that part of it. But the way she is self-talking, it seems she was not just taking a new position but she was taking it after she disclosed someone who was perhaps embezzeling from the company?
Its not really clear.

There are still parts I find vague in your short story. It's good to suspend the reader...you've done that, but also, its not fair to make the reader work so hard to find the theme or themes. it needs a little more focus.

Again, keep in mind this is only my opinion. I love what you've done already. Your efforts shine through brightly. There are a few rought spots...work them over...buff those rough spots out. You and I both know you can make it happen. This is almost there! *Delight*

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
414
414
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi One Jaguar, this is a review for you short story"A Nightmare Writing Experience" .

I thought this was a pretty cool *Cool* short story. I liked how you synergized the words racing through your brain with the monotony of your job. A great contrast.

I would like to say as well, this was nicely presented. I still prefer the formal way of presenting a story...the nice double spaced type, too me it just looks clean, polished and professional. However, here, you'll find that most everyone writes with no spaces between their sentences but they place spaces between their paragrpahs. I couldn't tell you why...perhaps because we're not editors and this is a writing commuity.

I did the same when I first came...I was politely told. *Laugh* I hope this is 'polietly.'
Just a thought to ponder.

I did spot a few reader blocks as I was reading. No major stuff. *Bigsmile*

"Suddenly a word..." perhaps a comma after suddenly?

"When throwing the rubber my mind would wander as I worked." Since we already know you are at work...perhaps strike out as I work. And I think this sentence might be more effective switched so its active: My mind was wandering as I was throwing the rubber....

"My shift at work coming to an end, I walked..." Perhaps the word 'with' before my shift?

"To my horror, the words that had bugged me for so long had left me. Even now I miss those words." I think this is a great ending sentence. Perhaps make it more active to really drive it home. "To my horror, the words that bugged me for so long, were now gone...

These are minor really. I thought, overall you did a great job of portraying the wonder, excitment and then the disapponment of grasping all these wonderful letters, words and so on, and than alas, losing them when you sat down to write." lol! isn't that the way? *Bigsmile**Laugh*

This was a short, short story...but I think it was nicely presented, nearly well written, creative and
easy to read. Well done.

I hope you enjoy your stay here at writing.com. You'll find this a great community of writers. If I can be of any help navigating...I'm just a e-mail away.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
415
415
Review of Lost lovers cliff  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Justin, this is a review for your short story"Lost lovers cliff" .

Ok, there's something creepy going on at the B&B. People keep dying off after they fall in love and then it's a repeat of new acquaintances with the same names. Weird and quirky but clever. If that was your intention. At least, its the underlying theme I grapsed on to.

The old lady proprietor seems to be casting a spell on all those that enter the B&B even though the author doesn't disclose this and there are no clues...this is the assumption I came up with because otherwise...this story isn't very believable. There has to be an element of magic to make this work.

I think this has huge possibilities. I think your style of writing is fine. I'm not sure I beleive parts of this story. I think it needs a bit more developing and bit more polishing. May I make some suggestions?

Why didn't Kayla...call someone to help retreive her car? She only locked her keys in the car...an easy fix.
I can see her not doing it at night because it was late and it was raining, but why not the next morning? How did she get back to town?

You wrote that she looked in the address book to find her best friends number...best friends have each other's numbers memorized, generally.

I'm not sure about the letter Kayla wrote while in the hospital. it just doesn't seem feasible to me...if she was so incapacitated...paralyzed and such...could she write a letter? Just a thought to ponder

I did run into a quite a few reader blocks along the way...misspellings and wrong word usages:

"They sat at the table nether one saying a word." neither

"the warm liquid was sweet and rich just right." comma after rich

"Good its a date." comma after 'good'

"Soon as the door s*** be hind..." 'behind'

"After he shower she..." comma after 'shower'

"one not to desperate looking but one not to "I don't care" ether." a couple things going on in this sentences. First..both 'to' should be too in this context; second, ether should be 'either' and perhaps but the quotes in italics since its internal?

"she found one that was perfect it was a..." comma after perfect


By the time she was done it was only a..." comma after done.

"After what seemed to be forever Kelly..." comma after forever

"one of them burst and through the car in to a tree...sent of hot rubber ..." through should be 'threw' in this context and sent should be 'scent'

"Were kelly." Do you meanb "Where's Kelly?"

15 minutes. Its always best to write the number out...fifteen mnutes...if applicable.

"sever internal bleeding...severe

"and wiped her hear from her face...' hair

I don't thank anyone could fall in love...' think?

I think this story is still in its beginning stages. I think it has grand possibilties. There are certain aspects of this I truly like. I think parts are a little unbeleivable and you really need to scan for misspellings and proofread for word usages.

I think this story needs polishing so it can shine as brightly as you meant it to. Please don't ger disheartned by the lower rating. This is only my opinion given humbly.

I hope this review has been helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*


416
416
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Zaiden's Shadow, this is a review for you short story "The Sorrows of Vivian Gaunt" 


You asked on the reviewer's request page...if you should keep this storyline or ditch it.

I say, its worthy of a determined re-rewrite and I say, with some development and with adding more plot and description and character development you will what appears to be a very good story.

This reader is intriqued. So you've won half the battle.

Next you need to tighten up those sentences. I found a few reader blocks along the way and I have a few suggestions:

Before then,(them?) stood a short, stalky, aggressive looking girl with short, wild hair that shined with blues, purples, silvers and blacks, like a crow's feather in the light..." I think the shined with irridescent hues like a crow's feather catching the light would be far more effective then a list of colors...and its a more vidid image.

"She wore heavy books with an elegant ballroom dress of heavy, rustling black and red satin with lace that looked torn, but might have been made to look that way, fringing the hems." 'fringing the hems is too far away from the noun 'dress' so its a bit unclear...some of this you could omit or rework.

Inside, dust gathered menacingly in the corners, stretching up to the high ceiling and abducting the brass chandelier by using the thick spiderwebs to climb up. It's difficult for me to imagine this image... dust isn't menacing...its annoying...and abucting doesn't seem to be the right word choice. *Bigsmile*Just a thought to ponder

Sorleigh led them through a dark hallway that's walls seemed to slant to the side a little..." something is missing with this sentence, or perhaps a different word for 'that' like who's walls seemed to slant...

Another observation I used is the reliance on adverbs; all the un-prettily,threateningly, abruptly, meancingly...ect. often times don't add much to your sentences. It's best to limit thier use. And I think 'metitatively' should be meditatively.

I think you have the beginnings of a wonderful story here. I am intriqued. I wonder...what kind of father would take his little girl to such a horrid place? And the last sentence of this chapter is creepy but in a good way.*Delight*

I think this has excellent possibilities. It needs a little work, a little rewriting, but I wouldn't ditch it.*Bigsmile* I would like to know what happens to little Vivie in this meanacing looking house...and what has possessed her father.

Don't be dischanted by the lower rating...this only means their is room for improvement.

I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of Spirit Ending  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Hi, this is a review for your short story"Spirit Ending" 

Welcome to writing.com...I see you are new to this sight. I hope you find my review helpful. Please remember this is only my humble opinion based on my observations. Please use what you can if any...discard the rest at your discretion.

What an intersting yet sad story. It happens a lot more than we relaize, however. A man is innocently sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit due to the 'witness' statements and the fact he touched the vitim to see if she was stil breathing. Yeow! So much for advanced DNA technology and Justice.

I thought this was a fair beginning for a story with huge possiblities and potential. There were a few rough spots but they are easily addressed if you choose.

I very smart writing teacher once told me "If you think its clever, it probably isn't" I've never forgotten that useful piece of advice. And I use this quote because of the "surrounded by gore and plasma" Often times, keeping it simple and calling blood what it is 'blood' is more effective and compelling. Just a thought to ponder.

"passing a frail anemic elder lady..." 'frail and anemic' are basically the samething...might want to do away with one or the other...

"she is starting to slowly limp and vigor is setting in..." unclear image...vigor is energy so to speak...

"A couple of detective shows up to investiagate..." I think detective should be plural with a 's' in this context.

"A few days later in the laboratory." this is an incomplete sentence...a fragment.

"And it happens as east two hourse after she died..." least?

"His face was full of spleen and fury" Unclear image here...I think spleen is a bone somewhere in the body...

Hi, I think you are off to a great start here. I can see a lot of potential in this story. It seems you have a knowledge of this CIA stuff. I get a clear sense of your expertise in some of the little nuances that give this story its life. I think your character needs a little more developing and your ending is a bit rough. Is there to be a contuniation?

There were a few mistakes and a few unclear or vague sentences. But this is easily addressed. I think this is worthy of a determined rewrite. I think this is the beginnings of a good story off to shine bright after a little polishing. P{lease don't be disenchanted by the lower rating. It only means there is always room for improvement.

I hope this has been useful. Also, If you'd like me to reread and rerate after editing...just ask. I'd be more than willing.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of The Tides Of Life  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Uday Kanth, this is a review for your short story"The Tides Of Life" .

This is a very unusal story. I will say, I enjoyed the historical and cultural aspects of this story. The "Sati" is a very disturbing tradition and I'm glad, as the author states, it is no longer in practive.

The theme of this story is good. I enjoyed following the life of this traditional family from India. What a sorrowful life the father lead his family. I can't imagine the head of the household being so complacent and irresponsible to his families needs.

It seems, despite all the horrors and the inexplicable trials and tribulations...the women of this family seemed to gain strenght and hope from each other. This is a powerful underlying theme.

I get the impression, you are translating to English. I did spot some errors and I have some suggestions that may help the flow of the story.

"Dad didn't like it though in first." perhaps: Dad din't like it at first?

"Dad had an intention of giving her in marraige to someone..." Perhaps: Dad had every intention of giving her in marriage to someone..."

"But before he realized, we were in debts.' No need to make debts plural in this context. So perhaps: But before he relaized it we were in debt."

"She used to do all the works for her.' Perhaps: She used to do all her work?

I think the sentence: We liked out mother very much. She was kindhearted and also a very intelligent lady." Perhaps it's cultural. But I thought, the we liked our mother very much, was rather pecuilar. Perhaps: Our mother was a kindhearted and intelligent woman?

It seems the father, perhaps, had some regrets and finally, some remorse toward the end after reading the letters. Perhaps it was just self-serving because he was all alone. But it was an effective ending.

I think there is strength in this story based on the relationship of the sisters and mother. I think it a wonderful, emotional yet disturbing story because it dares to explore and expose a tradition which, in an American sense, is horrific and barbaric.[/b} (no disrespect inteded)

I think, the characterization was good considering this was a short piece for such an ambitious story.
The tone of this piece was so melancholic. So much distress and sorrow and yet...I found the love and strength of the women to be be enduring and profound!

This was poignant story. It needs some polishing but I Think story has grand potential. I like the autobiographical feel of this story.

I hope this has been useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi A.J. Garofalo, this is a review for your story"The Writer (Revised)" .

Bravo! Your first story. And it is a theme all writers can relate too: that dreaded blank screen with the cursor blinking on and off. Yeow! *Laugh*

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've stared into a screen...seemingly frozen...no words...no thoughts...no nothing! at least you had words...sure they were jumbled...but you had thoughts and ideas.

Its nice to have positive reinforcement and support from home and from your writing peers.

I thought this was a great start. I do have some suggestions, just minor little stuff that needs to be attended to, if you so choose. Keep in mind these are just my humble opinion...not written in granite.

"The usual, you know went out drank a few slept till noon and repeat.Hey why don't you ever
...just a little spacing issue between 'repeat and hey."

"On the way home Michael asked Jeremy, his closest friend which wasn't saying much." I think this sentence might be more effective if you said "who wasn't saying much...' better to refer to the person if you can..

"Don't you want anything better, don't you have any dreams? There are two sentences joined by a comma. Perhaps make them two sentences?

"Shannon pulled the into the driveway.." missing car?

"Excited Michael hung up the phone and put on some coffee." maybe a comma after excited?

These are minor and easily addressed if you choose. Little reader blocks like these interrupt the flow and pace. I make them too...all writers do. *Bigsmile* It comes with the terriroty.

I think this is a strong story that could be stronger. It's not an original theme but you made it your theme by your words, your creative writing style, your flair. So well done. I enjoyed it.

I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of Journey  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Dreammaster, this is a review for your short story"Journey" 

I think you have the beginnings of an interesting story. A different sort of love story where a vampire tries to aovid his true desires to drink blood...who tries to find love and be satisfied with that love and with her as an ornament without imparting harm.

That aspect of your story is unique.

Your female protagonist...is weak...she seems to be under his spell...in a trance by his confidence and dark nature though she hasn't a clue as to why she is attracted to him. I think your female character needs a bit more developing.

She seems so one-demiensional...I don't find her to be neither strong or weak...she just exits...we don't know a lot about her even though this story is very long. So, I think her character needs a little more developing.

I do have suggestions and the major one is the authors reliance on adverbs. There must of been forty or more adverbs: overwhelmingly, viciously, tenderly, firmly,enormously,totally,uneasily, equally, sturdily, gently, kindly, truly and the author used 'slowly' over a dozen times. Adverbs, while useful at times, 'sparingly' is the key. They don't offer effectiveness or descriptivenss to a sentences. So I'd do a scan and remove many ofthem.

Also, I think its best not to begin sentences with a conjunction...like And, But, For, Nor...ect.

In this sentence "Rather, would I have been outside.." I think this sentence might be more efective if you switched it around a bit, like " I would rather be outside. This makes the voice more active.

"which sadly only exists in mine and their imagination...' here, I think you are using a lot of words to say something that could be said with a few less, perhaps: Which, much to my dismay, exists only in our imagination...

This sentence is a bit confusing to me: Next day, it's late again when I wake up. "There's no need to travel far today but it was too much to do it yesterday", he tells me. the "its too much to do it yesterday is a bit confusing.'

"I didn't know what to expect, but this is surely what I did not expect." repititive. Perhaps: I wasn't sure what to expect...but it wasn't this..." ?

The author wrote: "I'm struck by lightening" this was used, I'm sure to display her shock with seeing him again after she thought for sure she wouldn't. Its sort of a cliche. While its clever, it isn't intriguing. Show us rather than tell.

"no sunrays can ever have touched the soil..." give imagry/description... and 'can ever have' is a bit awkward.

"tens or armors are erected on to the floor." I'm not sure what you mean here.

The journey took so long. And he wasn't the best travel companion. And her whinning was a bit unnerving.
I think what it needs is dialouge. Some arguments. Some emotions. She needs to show her disastisfaction...I want to know why she followed him across the world...in to the backwoods of where (translyvannia?}

I think you have a very good theme here. You are on your way to excellent character development. I like the theme and plot of this story. Its decent. I see its grand potential.

I would say...much of this could be edited to make room for more dialouge. More internal dialouge even. Some background on the female character. over 40kb and I don't know here name.

I think this needs more description and imagry so its more show then tell. And removing all the adverbs and trying active voice will help sentences jump off the page with life.

There is possibilities here. I think this is a solid beginning. It is a little raw and rough, but I see the bright light shining underneath its tarnish. Please don't be discouraged by the lower rating. I do think this is worthy of a determined rewrite.*Delight*

I hope this has been useful

!write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Hi C Moore, this is a reivew for your short story"Starting Over -- 1516" .

I think you had a excellent opening sentences. Brought a chuckle and a smile with the image "Maybe it will make me look young enough to be a Gerber Baby," I thought with an anxious giggle. Dipping my fingers into the goop it even felt like baby food, so I let curiosity get the better of me. I spent the next few seconds frantically rubbing my tongue against the roof of my mouth trying to remove the plastic fruit taste. Very Nice. You hooked me as a reader enticing me to read on. And then you lost me a bit.

I realize the theme is about a woman starting over...after a lot of pain and lies...but it just got muddled a bit here and there.

I didn't utilize the EPs becasue they get in my way...however, I did take notes and here are my sugggestions:

EP4 "like most know it all teens I didn't..."
comma after teens. "I could see with a little work and commitment at where it would lead. And for or a long time..." These two sentences are a bit misconstrued and awkward.

"EP7 No matter how much I sucked it in my stomach... ' comma after in. "The curves are fine and the gray shows wisdom you have gain." Perhaps: The curves are fine and the gray shows the wisdom you've gained?

EP8 But emotionally was another think all the together.." A little unlcear.

"Doubts, like weeds...pull one up another popped up..." excellent methaphor!

EP 10 The following sentences left me confused. "Chose not to believe until undeniable guilty of all charges evidence was placed right in my face." Perhaps: I Chose not to beleive until face with the undenaiable guilt, until the evidence was placed in my face? Something like that?

"It was hard on me to accept the fact there would always be those felt I was liar and a creep for allowing it to go on as long as I did." I knew many would blame me for allowing it to continue. Perhaps they'd see me as a creep and a liar..." Active, direct voice is better whenever possible.

"Was that the reason what I was chosen I had been chosen by John, because I was expected to turn my head while the same events replayed? This is awkward and confusing..repitive , perhaps: Was I chosen by John because he suspected I'd turn my head and ignore the ..." something like that...it needs to be rewritten for clarity.

I think you have the beginning of a good story here. There were some issues...but it has grand potential. The opening line was excellent...If you can hook the reader there, you can intice them to continue...capture that same flair and essence with the rest of the story...you're almost there.

I hope this has bee useful. I wouldn certainly reread and rate after editing if you'd like.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of The Black Prada  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Lucas, this is a review for your story"The Black Prada" 

I thought this little gem of a story was alive and active and punctuated with wonderful word usage.

There were two themes to this short story and I felt your weaved them together to create a wonderful little diddy of a story, entertaining, exciting and branded with humorous undertones.

Some of your effective word usages that I liked: their buns and faux-hawks sagged...their updos were sighing, or frowning...great images!

"my breath reached across the room and slapped the person on the other side...Yeow!...marked with honesty, reeking with realism...*Bigsmile*

"I rushed out of the room clutching my racing heart..." I could picture this, nice!

I though this piece highlights your flair for the contemporary...for writting in todays times with todays themes. Your writing was fresh and alive and creative.

I saw one error: "Most of the time I went to Saks, I looked like..."Perhaps, Most of the time when I went to Saks?" It seems to be missing something.

The only observation I have is watch those adverbs, the :wordlessly, perfectly, pensively, repeatedly, mostly ect...can hold back a story. Adverbs are useful to a minimum. This is a short story...so you almost used too many. Adverbs don't add a lot to a story...especially when the sentence could be written without. Just a thought to ponder.

Otherwise, I did like this story...I thought it was written well. A tinge of sorrow beneath the light-heartedness. Good use of descriptions for Saks and for the indivdual vendors. Great characterization of your main character. And wonderful use of language. Well done! Can I borrow your little black Prada? *Bigsmile**Laugh* I want that nirvana...that earth-shaking, life changing, er...*Shock*


~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Maryann, this is a review for your story"Alisza of the Future, the Conclusion" .

I should of rated all four of the chapters since I read them...but I just kept clicking on the link that would take me to the next chapter. Lol! *Bigsmile*

In the first chapter you introduced us to Alisza. She came to you in your dreams with a peculiar request, to save state quarters.

The second chapter was vital because it gave the readers insight and background history.

In chapter three, we learn that through "projection of the mind" a grave situation that could destroy civilaization by depleting the oxygen supply is revealed.

So Sarah devises a plan to prevent all family members from entering the work force as scientits.

I thought all your chapters were well written, easy to comprehend and fascinating. The story line was creative and the flow and pace were right on.
Considering each chapter was very short, I thought you did a remarkable job at characterization, plot and resolution. Well done.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions. Simple, but not simplistic, concise and solid. Well done.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of The Window  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kim, this is a reivew for your short story"The Window" .

This is a melancholy piece, somber and sad. I feel the pain of the author as she tells the story of a marriage ending...of all the dreams and hopes shattered.

Indeed, a feeling of overwhelming sorrow as she sits so solemn by the window looking out at the dark cloud raining on her as her tears are falling. Nice use of methaphor...the rain, the tears, the dark cloud...the gloom in her heart.

I thought this piece was well written. I saw only one error: "Perhaps she had let the wall down too far" I wasn't too sure what you meant by this. It was a bit vague.

Also, I think if you place spaces between your paragrpahs, it would be much easier to read.

Though the end of any relationship is painful...especailly a marriage when there was such love and joy and passion...I would of liked to have felt a sprite of hope. Just a thought to ponder.

Anyway... great use of methaphors...I think you've captured the essence of deep heart-felt pain and sorrow. Well done.

I hope this has been useful

~write on and peace~kjo[e:flower3}
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Review of A NEW PLAYGROUND  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Khaynne, this is the third review in the four-way split. I hope you find this review of your article" A NEW PLAYGROUND" useful.

You've written this article as if you know someone who's teen life is troubled and it saddens you to stand by and watch this. This is a perfect example of active voice in present tense.

You bring a lot of valid points up. Today's youth seem more confused and more detached and less respectful then I was in my teens. There is definitely no fear of consequences.

However, my parents thought 'the hippies' years were as bad as some think teens are today. So, its just a matter of perspective...issues facing teens are no different today...they just have different fads, different forms of artistic expressions and differnt levels of respect. Who knows where it all went wrong and what tommorrow will bring.

I think you ask a lot of valuable questions. It seems you are wiser beyond your years...perhaps more responsible and respectful then your peers. Unfortuantely, we don't have any answers do we? You don't give any solutions to he answers but resolution isn't as easy to attain with issues such as this. I guess, like everything else, time and all the tommorrows tend to help us sort things out...and a lot of hairpulling and praying. *Bigsmile*

I though this article was direct and concise and well written. I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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