Hey stumpyv, saw this story "It's Just a Game" on the request a review page and thought I'd click in to say hello and to leave a review. I hope you find my comments useful and any suggestions and observations I may have, helpful.
As your title suggests,in essence it really is "just a game."
I don't know much about football but you really pulled me in to the story of this little league football game with players full of heart. I thought you did a swell job in effectively portraying the game and the true essence of what little league should be about.
there was a moral to this story and i found it heart-warming.
I do have a few suggestions if I may?
"They say that sport imitates life. That If you work hard for what you want, you can achieve anything..." I think if you remove the 'that's your sentence will be more profound. "That' is an overused and oftentimes unnecessary word. Just a thought to ponder.
'They average player at this age group weighs..." do you mean 'that?'
"All of their lives{,} these young men have been taught that they are bigger than the other kids, and to be gentle with them. This has proven to be the biggest ..." Just striking out the 'that' and adding a comma.
"obstacle that the coaching staff has to overcome.
and here is a team that they totally dominated twice, pushing them around.
I think you have a insightful and delightful story here. I think it was mostly well written. Great job with description and detail and with moral.
I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay a while.
Hey Jerry Powell, I came to this poem "One Last Poem" out of your father's "Heaven on the Arkansas.
There was so much emotion in this poem...love, anger, guilt and finally 'a coming to peace' with a loss that knocked you to your knees almost.
This poem is a loving and heart-felt tribute to the brother you lost. To his life and to the relationship you shared. Not always full of understanding...not always easy and certainly, not always saying the words we should say but don't and then beat ourselves up after tragedy strikes.
When one is taken so young...and when there are words unsaid, the guilt can consume us. Oh how we wish we could go back to the minutes, hours or days before death to open up the 'flood gates' of our hearts...it wasn't meant to be. The best we can do is realize our loved ones knew our love was real. This gives us strength to slowly overcome our guilt.
This was a haunting and beautiful poem. Your words were mesmerizing and compelling.
The emotion, the tone captured my soul and tugged at my heart-strings.
In the midst of your sorrow, you had internal fortitude which gave you amazing strength to celebrate the life of your brother and your relationship in that, you began to slowly heal.
You word choices were lovely. Precise and craftily chosen . Your language was gorgeous.
I saw no errors and I have no suggestions.
A resounding five stars . Thanks for letting me stay for awhile.
Hi Huristic, I saw the title of this poem "The Adjective Cellar" and I was intriqued. So I thought I'd click in a give a read and of course! leave a review. I hope you find my comments helpful and any suggestions or observations I may make, useful.
Indeed! This was a fun read. I can see how young adults would find this appealing. Great way to teach the elements of English!
I thought this was delightful.
This poem was not only well written but it was rhthmic with great meter and rhyme.
The cadence was mark on and perfect to the light-hearted and fun tone.
The end rhymes came natural with an easy flow and a pace to match the cadence.
Well done!
I have no suggestions. Excellent.
Teach on! I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.
Hi Ryguy, thank you for inviting me in to your port. This is a review for your new story "A Silk Wish" . I hope you find my comments useful and any suggestions or observations I make, useful.
Holy cow! For a short story this was pretty long. But at least it was easy to read and engaging.
I think you had an effective opening paragraph. I found it enticing and it hooked me solid enough to encourage me to read on. The "silk wish and the dance"...intriguing.
I liked how you toed the end with the beginning. I always find first person narrative a bit of a challenge to write,. You did fantastic. For me the biggest hurdle is staying in the proper tense...you did it without breaking a sweat. Perfect!
I like the way you wrangle some of your words. You really made use out of every bit of space in this story. Your words were wisely chosen and effective.
I did have one big issue and it was with the word 'that' I think you could do a scan and remove many of them. i do have some examples I copied from your story and I will strike them out. You can decide for yourself whether removing makes a difference.
"The relationship was typical in most aspects. in that. We were both balancing our school year, our extracurricular activities, and trying to find secluded moments absent of restraint and parents. Every odd weekend she spent hours with a religious organization that I had never heard of until I had met her; it seemed strange that she could never really explain what she did there, but we did go out to get ice cream frequently.
Upon hearing that her ex would be there, in addition to many other great, fun guys, I decided that my presence ought to be a heavy one.
She felt that during our time together, her relationship with Jesus had taken a regrettable back seat in her life.
And a knock on the door that convinced me two years dating would be too long happened.
Could she have honestly believed that my art history and Spanish finals were so daunting that I needed to spend an egregious number of hours in a study lounge which I knew she frequented?
The response was a swift, emphatic yes, and it was the first time in a long time that I believed I had made a person’s day.
Those were a few examples there might be more. I think we tend to rely on 'that' because it comes so natural in our conversations. But it really doesn't add much to our sentences but dead weight. Granted, sometimes the word 'that' is necessary. Most often, we can do without it.
Just a thought to ponder.
Over all, a great effort. Mostly well written. You chose most of your words with precision and thoughtfulness.
I think your story is inventive and it seems it was no easy task but you made is seem easy and the flow and pace were surprisingly smooth.
I think with just a bit of polishing this is on its way to being a first rate story. The polishing is easy stuff really...this is like a gem which needs a few rough sports buffed out to make it shine even more brilliantly. This is a good example of solid and captivating storytelling. But it can be even better.
I hope you found this useful Thanks for letting me stay awhile.
Hey Touchstone~ thank you for inviting me in your port to read and review this story "Last Call"
I hope you find my comments helpful and any observations and suggestions I may have, useful.
First let me say...once I began reading, I immediantly
recalled the first part of this story. I recall you mentioning you might write the 'second chapter' to Good Call. I'm glad you did, this was wonderful!
One of the aspects I liked was the strong active voice. It just makes the pace and flow of the story so much easier to read and more appealing.
I also thought your word usage and language was superb. Effective and precise. Ironic to me, you say you are an endless talker and writer...have to log every detail. I found this story to be just the opposite.
The details and descriptions were nicely balanced. Every word was craftly chosen and precise for emphasis or pause or image.
Your words were alive and vivid.
The tone of this piece reminiscent of the love and sorrow of the past , energy for what might be and curiosity for what could have been. this was great.
I do have a few suggestion if I may?
"The Calls returned with a vengeance about 18 years later. Since January of 2006{,}I receive them fairly consistently and have become accustomed to their presence as a reminder of the woman I once knew. For the past two years{,}I have made efforts to understand the why and how of such an uncustomary form of communication with mixed results, but not without some very interesting episodes.
Added a couple of commas.
"Being an inquisitive individual by nature and a professional sleuth as an attorney by training and trade, I determined to find out why and from where these Calls were coming." here it seems if you use 'determined" you need was. But if you used a different word say 'decided' you wouldn't need 'was' Just a thought to ponder.
The only other suggestion I have is to scan for the word 'that' It's not always a word in the best interest of our stories. We tend to rely on it because it comes natural in our conversations. Often times, 'that' is needed in a sentences. Most often we can do without the added weight.
"I am saddened to know that I couldn't make clear to her the depth of my feelings for her because in the end I see that she really had no idea. I do, however, have an occasional recurring dream that which provides me an opportunity to thank Megan for being a part of my life and allows me to apologize for any pain that I have caused. Although I would love to tell her in person, I will not intrude on her privacy to do it. I loved her and continue to love the woman I knew and wish her nothing but happiness. And while my last call to her ended much as the relationship did twenty years ago, I cannot shake the notion that I will get her Calls in the future.
I struck out many of the 'that's' can you sense a difference in the sentences?
Again, just a thought to ponder touchstone.
Anyway, I thought this was a fantastic read. Excellent active voice. I thought this was alive and vivid and creative.
It was aesthetically appealing and profound because of the underlying message. Though it was subtle it was powerful.
Great storytelling. This was a compelling read. Thanks for inviting me in to your port. I hope you found this useful.
I thought this was a 5 . A resounding 5 stars even with the very minor mistakes, because it was so creative and compelling.
Hey~luly, saw this on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in and leave a review for your short story"Serendipity" .
I love stuff like this. It warms my soul because, hey~ it just proves there is such thing as destiny.
There is so much honey-drenched, wide-eyed joy and passion in this short little exercise in 'how I met the love of my life."
And I believe it!
I think you could strengthen this even more by scanning for the word 'that' and omitting some of them. They are not always valuable to our sentences. Often we can do without. Using them just comes natural because we tend to write how he talk.
For instance: "that’s all that happened." You could say "nothing else happened."
"I fell in love with him that very instant. You could write "I fell in love with him instantly." or I fell in love with him, the moment I set eyes on him.
"It was much later that these moments came together for me" Much later these moments came together, vivid in my mind. Well you get my point.
Otherwise, this was great. I like the way you told the story...bits of now with bits of yesteryear. It was endearing, well written and I touced my heart with the idea "serendipity lives" and found you'
I could sense the love and the passion. this was delightful.
I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.
Hi Mareli, this is you 'pay it forward ' review for visiting my port. I choose this story "Quicksand" because it hasn't been rated yet. Thanks for inviting me into your port. I hope you find my review helpful and any suggestions or observations I may leave, useful.
I think you've got a solid and strong beginning here Mareli. I got a good sense of Ewan or Quicksand and the Tunneler.
{/b}The Good/The Better/The Best {/b}
Some of your descriptions and details are very effective..."The man chuckled at the barb, his thick beard more grey than black for his age, but time had done nothing to weaken the strength in his thick body." Nice!
"Ewan scowled and the man withdrew his hand. “I have nothing to offer you. You know my name, you know where my allegiance lies, and I will not pull them in to the mire that is this land.” This was great. Strong active voice and ample descriptions.
I thought this story was interesting. It served it's purpose with the formidable theme and plot. It seemed a bit flat and lacking emotion but I sense it's unfinished. The voice was strong and the writing was great with just a couple of observations.
{/b}Suggestions and Observations{/b}
The first thing I noticed is the overuse of your adverbs. There was actually quite a few for such a short story. Of course adverbs are valuable and they serve their purpose but we tend to rely on them a bit too much.
For instance: all the
clearly, presently, coolly, poorly, softly, properly, slightly, briefly, passionately..could be reworded which would make your sentences more alive and effective.
Example: take your opening sentence: "He received the message clearly enough late at night while taking a moment's rest at the inn. The signal was meaningless to those not familiar with the Tunnelers, and his return signal just as mild to let them know he would meet them presently."
You could rewrite this, "He received the message late at night while taking a moments rest at the inn. Its meaning was clear enough. The signal was meaningless to those not familiar with the Tunnelers. He returned the signal informing them he'd meet them soon.' Do you see the difference here?
Anyway, just some thoughts to ponder. Also, your use of some adverbs created some repitivnes like clear and clearly.
I like the name of the vigilantes. It has created a lot of intrigue. I look forward to reading more. I like Ewan character. He seems determined and focused...a warrior with purpose.
Hi croaton, I thought I'd stop by to say hello and to leave a review for your prologue titled "Ruins of The Great Library Prologue" I hope you find my comments and any observations or suggestions I may have, useful.
As I was reading this...I can't help but recall, the last time I reviewed a story of yours. I saw your talent as writer then...but there were issues in grammar and the mechanics of writing. And in just a few weeks...my how you've blossomed and grown as a writer. Your talent shines through more brilliantly now.!
The Good/The Better/The Best
I thought your prologue was effective and engaging. it did what a prologue should do...give a synopsis of the ensuing novel/novella by introducing a theme or a character or a issue. So well done.
I noticed how purposefully you choose your words. Well done. Each word was used precisely for effect.
You have built interest with the discovery so well done with hooking the readers and planting the seed to read on.
Suggestions and Observations
Just a couple very minor stuff:
"To her delight she found a trilogy of books titled, “The Legends of Legion,” that were in relatively in good shape. " an extra 'in'?
"Parts of the books were damaged, however Eirelav was confident that she could restore all three..." I had a little issue with "parts of the books" something doesn't seem right...too many plurals. Perhaps Parts of each book...or certain parts of every book..."
Otherwise...I look forward to reading on...you have piqued my curiosity.
I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.
hey X-STaTIC_PRo=cESS, I found this poem "Cherry Vanilla Cloud" on the request a review page and thought I'd click. Thanks for welcoming me in. I hope you find my comments useful, and please know any suggestions or observations I make, are meant only to be helpful.
One of the first things that grabbed my attention was the tittle. Very intriguing and delightful title.
The Good/The Better/The Best
You brought some of your descriptions alive with tasty lines...so good word usage...making me hungry with words such as cherry vanilla...banana blackberry and soda kisses. Yum, Yum.
I can feel your enthusiasm in the tone of your poem...it exudes the joy and happiness of the moment.
nice!
You make love seem grand and delightful! Your passion is contagious.
What makes this poem work is its colors and imagery in flavors and the immense joy in the tone. All those happy words:love, bless, spirit, glowing. well done.
Observations and Suggestions
not to capitalize the 'i' is just a stylistic choice...and some authors such as e.e Cummings have made it work...but I still think its best to capitalize...just a thought to ponder.
I think your poem would benefit from more punctuation. Punctuation can improve the flow and it can place emphasis where needed as well as pause.
"there was a cherry vanilla cloud in the sky
there was love in the sky that night
i could taste the sky, like banana blackberry
and the clouds, oh the clouds! tasted like cherry" It seems there is a need for a comma after 'sky'
"shiny shards of astral bodies glowing in the sky
a midnight circus is abound" I sense a need for a comma after 'abound' Just thoughts to ponder, certainly not written in stone, for its your poem you alone know the intended meaning.
This poem is mostly free style or free verse. I say this because while it utilizes stanzas, there is little direct rhyme and your meter is not in time. This not a criticism, just an observation which leads to this next observation: you have a total of twenty four lines, maybe consider placing them in six four line stanzas...I think this might strengthen its meaning. Again, just a thought to ponder.
Otherwise...you've left me salivating for all those delicious tastes...I must go into the kitchen now and feast.Yeow! And love, what joy you find in it...your poem radiates with this joy.
I hope you have found this useful. Thank you for letting me stay awhile!
If you are ever in the need of a review, check out (citem:1300076}
Hi MontgomerySword, this is a 'pay it forward' review for visiting my port. Wow, you've been a member since May and not one item in your port has been rated and reviewed? I'll leave a link at the bottom for you to request reviews. I'll be back too. This is a review for your story "Findlay's Table: A Mystery" .
I can tell by your writing style you have a penchant for mystery...sprinkled with a little horror.
This is evident by the host of diverse characters in this short story...the theme and plot.
I think you have a flair for mystery, its evident you've read and enjoy Agatha Christie.
The Good/The Better/The Best
Overall, this was well written. You choose your words well. No room for fluff...here. Your words are direct and precise.
MiMi was a formidable character...stirring up the pot even in her death. So that was intriguing.
I think you presented a theme,built on it and revealed the plot effectively with a twist. So well done.
Observations and Suggestions
As mysteries go, I think you hit the mark however, it seemed like it was missing something. Some substance. The characters, because there were so many were a little on the flat side.
I think this would be excellent expanded a little bit. For instance: the setting, in the lawyers office toward the end had more than three characters and for such a short story, its difficult to develop each character and present their purpose, a task difficult even for Agatha Christie, I wold imagine.
I did spot a couple minor technicalities: The five gathered in a rough semicircle in the study looked occasionally at him, and frequently out of the corner of their eyes toward the crouching side table It seems the first part is missing a word?
192o's, Zero instead of o?
Otherwise, this was well written, suspenseful with a unexpected twist to the end...and it certainly left me wondering about Captian Finely's Table So good job with leaving the readers wondering and expectantly hoping for more!
Thanks for letting stay for awhile. I hope your found this useful.
~write on and peace~ kjo
To request a review visit :
Hey Reese, this is your 'pay it forward' review for visiting my port! Thanks for letting me stop and say hello. I hope you find any suggestions or observations I might have, useful. I was going to review the item in your port that hasn't been reviewed yet, but it doesn't allow for ratings, so I choose this one."The Shadow With Dark Eyes"
And I'm so glad I did. What an amazing haunting and troubled story. The melancholy alone is disturbing and yet...I couldn't stop reading! Fantastic.
The Good/The Better/The Best
The overall tone of this piece was as dark and gloomy and full of despair as your character Davy.
The description and the details were as gripping as they were beautiful in spite of the 'darkness' surrounding them.
Excellent characterization of Ari, Davy and Rachel.
Every word was used like a dagger to steadily draw the reader into Davy's world and Ari's curiosity. Mesmerizing!
The detailed descriptions of Davy's room and the paintings thrust me in the room looking at all those paintings right along Ari. The imagery was rich, vivid haunting and made me shudder with its somberness.
The only suggestion I have is to consider placing spaces between your paragraphs for easier reading and because it makes it look more professional and cleaner aesthetically.
A resounding {:star}'s
Thanks for letting stay for awhile.
~write on and Peace~kjo
If you ever need a review you can leave a request here
Hi ShiShad, I saw this story"Death Really Does Come In Threes" on the request a review page and thought I'd stop by to say hello and leave a review.
Your experience is one I believe in myself and only because, like you death came in threes quite close together.
This story was an emotional piece that nearly had me tearing up toward the end...yes, to lose a brother or an uncle is difficult, but to loose a son, I can't even fathom the grief and sorrow and I hope I don't ever have to.
So sorry to hear of your loss of one so early in life and its so tragic especially when the choices we make facilitate the accident that leads to death.
That was only ten years ago...coping and moving forward must be difficult.
I read a little article from a young writer here on writing.com that said something to the effect: I refuse to grieve for long periods of time over the losses I've experienced in my young life. Instead I go out into the world and in celebration of their friendship or their love, I meet new people and have new experiences and explore the world and find joy and love in their memory.
I thought that was pretty impressive. Essentially she was saying...its okay to grieve, but then turn it over, let it go and make a new friend, build some bridges, open some doors, plant some flowers ect...learn to live again and make some friends in the process.
I don't know if this would work for you...but thought I'd pass it on.
I thought this piece was well written. This tugs at ones heart strings--its a very emotional piece.
Suggestions and Observations
I hope you are doing yourself and your family and Chris' memory a favor by discovering lifes'joy, finding the beauty in living, making friends and building relationships, exploring and finding love in this journey we call life. Because you and I both know life is indeed preciously short...we know how to stop and 'smell the roses'and of course, Spiritual relationships can be a great source in the healing process.
I saw no errors. I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay for a while.
Hi gtausif, I caught this on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello and to leave a review for you story "Sarah' Biscuits" . Thank you for letting me stop in. I hope my review will be helpful.
From some of the word choices you use...like 'biscuits' I get the sense you are translating to English? Not a judgement of course! Just an observation.
What a truly affecting story. It's one of those stories that tug at your heart-strings a bit.
The Good/The Better/The Best
The emotion in this little story was appealing. Every word seemed to be precisely chosen for affect. So well done.
Your little protagonists was endearing. I didn't catch her age...but no matter...it seems she might aspire to be a princess Di or Audrey Heburn or Mother Teresa and she's starting so young with her organizing efforts.
I thought this story had a strong message simply told. It was insightful.
The underlying message is...small ideas and thoughts can turn into to huge missionary efforts that have powerful results.
I thought your ending was especially poignant.
Thoughts and Suggestions
You might consider indenting your paragraphs...it just adds to the aesthetic quality and looks more professional
I did have a few problems believing some of the bigger language of Sarah" malnourished, exasperatedly...ect
The first part of this sentence seems to be missing something..."Perhaps "Ms Riffat, do you know there are people...?
““Ms Riffat, do you that there are people who have nothing to eat because water has made everything wet in their homes?”
It's best to place your dialog to the right rather then throughout your paragraphs...
Accentuate The Positive
A well written story with a valuable message that pulled on our heart strings with its emotion and its
strong finish. Insightful and powerful
Thanks for letting me stop by your port. I hope you find this useful
hey The Game, saw this on the request a review page, thought I'd click in and say hello. Thank you for inviting me in. I hope you find my review helpful"The Boy in the Mirror"
This is an interesting story. Quite shocking is some places, as I'm sure was your intent...I could tell something was amiss...the delve into the psychology of mind...is usually a good clue, but I wasn't expecting such malice...such acts. So bravo to your for suspense and shock.
For the most part, this was well written. I noticed just a few areas that need a little tweaking. Nothing major:
"As I near I see her blue eyes widen and her thrashing become more violent." Here, I think you need a comma 'near'. And I think become needs to be plural?
"Though she is not gagged she makes no noise." comma after gagged.
"The reason I removed your tongue is so that you can appreciate communication without deception.’ here, I think 'that' is necessary. The reason I removed your tongue is so thatyou can appreciate communication without deception. Yeow...now that's some punishment...a good reason to keep your mouth shut. Also, that paragraph was shocking, I didn't see it coming...well done!
Those errors are minor and easily addressed. I like where this is going and it was compelling and terrifying. I did question the wheat field with the father...It seemed it was thrown in. Was it a dream, a memory an actual experience...and is the father as twisted as the son? These were some questions I had as I was reading. Just thoughts for you to ponder as you continue adding to this story.
Otherwise. I liked this. it was clinical and yet clamourous. It made me shudder and shiver. The Dr/Artist was intelligent and yet completely mental and twisted. Hey~ perfect stuff for a good read. keep on writing!
Hey Chefo, I saw your story "The Flowers of Armageddon" on the request a review page and thought I'd stop and say hello.
And of course, leave a review!
What I liked about this story was your conscious an deliberate use of words. It seems, almost, each word was craftily chosen for effect and purpose. So well done.
I thought this was an appealing story, well written with a a unforgettable theme and a gripping ending that was rich in faith and rebounding with hope.[/b}
There was elements of supplication in this story which were insightful and affecting.
The constant battle between good and evil and light and darkness is a never ending battle it seems...and yet the portrayal of the two 'plants' defying destruction suggests their is hope and good will always prevail.
I do have on suggestions, and its more of an observation...watch you adverb use...heavily, instinctively, gently, unearthly, distinctly, ect. They don't add much to your sentences as far as description...
Otherwise, I thought this was well written and thought-provoking.
I hope this has been useful. And thanks for letting my stop by your port.
Hi D. Dukes, saw this story "Scavenger Hunt" n the request a review page and thought I'd stop in say hello and leave a review. Thanks for inviting me in.
Well this is certainly an odd story, but I like it. Simply because it was different. There was and air of monotony and mediocrity to this story that was strangely compelling.
Good characterization of a man who is a perfect example of a human merely existing from one day to another. A man who has forgotten his value and the value of life and yet, there is irony in this story.
hhhm, in spite of Jefferys lack...which is not very appealing and wouldn't invite emulation...Jeffery's lack turns out to be luck. His laziness and lack of motivation...saves his life. Jeffery's life is a joke but its also Poetic Justice.
There were certain elements in your storytelling
that were appealing: the little jabs of humor and the big jabs at Jeffreys bane existence. I'm not sure about the interjections from the narrator when Jeffery was the focus...(the remarks in parenthesis, were a bit unnerving).
I enjoyed the story from the Narrator's POV after Jeffery was out like a light and the theme was revealed through the narrator. That was brilliant, inventive and creative.
I saw no errors in grammar that were obvious to me. And the only suggestion I have is to indent your paragraphs. Just a thought to ponder.
And the only observation I have about content is...what was the purpose of the killer targeting Jeffery? Perhaps you might consider developing that a bit more. Does he target certain types of people? is it just random...perhaps you plan on adding more so I just just shut up?
Anyway...thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this useful
Wow! What a story. My goodness...so much tragedy and yet...a little light at the end...so, a beginning.
What I liked about this story is the active voice; the raw emotion and the fact it reads like a real life story.
The wonderful sharing friendship, the feeling of loss and guilt and sadness when Carrie died, and the ebbing feeling that Carrie didn't die on her own were poignantly written and effectively profound.
This story was touching and heartbreaking and yet...I could see the glow of hope on the horizon.
The dog attack was menacing...oh my! I have a fear of dogs...large, small, fat or lean...no matter, they frighten me! The description and details of the attack were horrifying and surreal.
Great word usage. Every word was precisely chosen for effect--to tug at our heart strings or arouse thoughts. Excellent.
I saw no obvious errors and I have no suggestions.
Hi quneseulevie, this is a reivew for your short story"Freedom" .
Bravo for her! For taking a stand, for finding the strength and internal fortitude to set herself free from the ties of the past that bind her 'self' and chains that weight her down.
I thought this story was powerfully told. It was heavy with emotion...oozing with pain and her own frustration for lacking courage in the beginning and then yes, the empowering release of freedom!
I thought this was well written with strong word usage precisely chosen for effect.
I do have a suggestions, If I may? I think it would be easier on the readers eyes and look cleaner and more professionally to place spaces between your paragraphs.
You invented them and that's great...but without spaces...its a mountain of text. Just a thought to ponder.
The letter was symbolic of her finally getting her wings...to taking flight of yesterday and moving forward with a sense of peace, calm and ensuing strength. Right on!
I thought the scene of her falling to the supermarket floor was a bit overdone...dramatic...but even still, this was emotionally raw and uplifting, inspirational.
hey~ Author Lou~ I wanted to return the favor and review a story of yours...aahhh but the poet you are I see. So I choose this poem"Walking Shoes" .
Now, keep in mind, I'm not real proficient in elements of poetry...but I'll do my best.
This is a wonderful story told through the art of poetry. Marvelous use of imagery and action as I stepped right along with you through the three D's in New Orleans. Even the street names seemed intriguing.
And I can imagine the crooked dirty and cobbled street. You gave your words such flavor...rich and laden like New Orleans itself..the heaviness in the muggy nights...the richness of the 'flavor' of New Orleans...the smells, the slang, the music.
I liked the Fats song at the beginning and end of your poem...gave your poem that same rhythm.
And there was this two-step cadence to your poem...rhythm and resonating with melody. I loved the lulls and lilts as we walked along...enjoying the ambiance of the evening.
Some of My favorites:
"I was a compressed spring." Gorgeous description!
The crooked dirty D Streets
rolled beneath our fast feet. Beautiful and rhythmic.
I saw no obvious errors and I have no suggestions. Lovely!
Hi Eau de Nil, caught this short story "Loving Another" on the reviewer request page.
What I liked about this story: it is oozing with a variety of different emotions which you effectively portrayed in this short story. Anger, disbelief feeling of betrayal and then forgiveness, and of course love.
That aspect was done very well. I think the male character was pretty strong but really how much characterization can an author do in 4kbs. So, with that in mind, well done.
I do have a few suggestions if I may....most have to do with repetition in your sentences:
"sign of the times we're in. These are times" sign of the times...a bit cliche and then you repeated 'items in the following sentence.
"Reeling, I was so disoriented as I burst through the front doors, I momentarily forgot my purpose." I question the word 'reeling' in the beginning of this sentence...it doesn't seem to fit grammatically speaking. Its almost the same as disoriented
"Floor after floor, the steady and...The apartment was on the top floor." I can see the need for the first two floor, but you might want to consider finding a different word for the last one.
"She, startled, seeing me, began pleading." This doesn't seem grammatically correct here. perhaps: Obviously, she was startled to see me because she began pleading with me...or something similar...
"A flashback, back" repetitive use of 'back'
"he is fine. And I’m fine. We’re fine honey.” I can see her saying this but maybe in a different way without so many 'fines'?
Just some thoughts to ponder.
I think you'd have your self a even better story if you'd work out some of the repetiveness in your story. it's got some charm and wit and potential. Just needs a little more tweaking.
Hi SueV, this is a review for your story "The Best Gift" which I found on the reviewer request page.
I can't imagine a wait like that. I don't even want to consider it and yet this author did and I thought the story was engaging.
While the action of the Dr was 'out of character' I believed it possible. The right Dr at the right moment, sure, he might do just what Dr Mitchell did. And bravo too! For it was the right thing to do.
I thought you captured the waiting and the agony of the young couple very well. Their actions, their dialogue and their nuances suggested worry and frustration. Excellent.
And I think this story rings with a element of truth as well. Drs do forget patients are human. I thought that part was particularly poignant. The fact he went out of his way to show his human side was great. again, I thought it odd, but wonderful and, well, it could happen.
I saw no errors and I have no suggestions. This was well written, insightful and thought-provoking.
Hi Rayne, I saw this on the review request page, thought I'd stop in for a read and review of your story"The Healing Power of Peas" .
I'll never look at a bag of peas quite the same way now!
I thought this was a fair with a bit of wit and humor. Nice. It was pulsating with the pain and frustration of the fight and then oozing with the love of making up. So well done with effectively showing emotion.
I think the characterization is a bit weak...we didn't learn much about the characters...it was more role play but the role playing element was engaging and believable so nice job.
There were a few technicalities. First, it would be nice to indent your paragraphs and then place spaces between each new voice in the dialogue. it'll not only make it easier for the reader but it will also make it appear cleaner and more professional. Just a thought to ponder.
I also made a few other observations if I may?
"lay before her on the ground..." since she is in the bedroom, perhaps you want to say floor? ground makes it seem like she's outside.
"erode rough paths down her cheeks..." this is a great image but I don't think it works in relation to tears running down a face...it seems a bit incongrurous and harsh...
"dry pile of pulp..." again a nice image but I'm not sure it works for tissue that might still be damp from her tears?
"very heavy ideas..." heavy is heavy...very doesn't make it heavier...and maybe 'thoughts' would be a better choice instead of ideas?
"Please. Open the door, this isn’t going to solve anything" I think you should replace the period after please with a question mark.
"Steph, i…” here, you 'i' should be capitalized
"Sheph..." do you mean Steph?
"With some a quick idea and some minor improvisation, Lex took Steph by the waist and lifted her off her feet. " These sentence is a bit awkward and unclear. Perhaps With some quick thinking and some improvisation...?
"She deposited Steph on the bed and took the frozen ammo from no-longer threatening challenger..." This seems to be missing a word or two?
Rayne, these are relatively easy fixes if you choose. I think you've done a super job in showing range of emotions and with displaying the sometime frustrations of a relationship where one partner of the other is taken for granted. I think you have the essence of a great story here, I would just attend to some of the minor technicalities so this can shine a lot brighter.
Hi Kare Enga~ here I went and clicked into this and started ready...then I realized...wow, this is a vignette, a prose poem. I'm not too good at reviewing such items. I am not prolific or proficient enough. But I was already committed...so I'll do my best.
One of the reasons I decided to continued reading is because your lines...hooked me and then enticed me to carry on.
I thought your lines of prose were[b} compelling and engaging.
I understand there are elements of rhythm, rhyme, alliteration and imagery present in this vignette and yet, I am not qualified to comment For it is a bit over my head.
However, I can rate on appeal. I can rate on emotion and the use of craftily chosen words for effectiveness.
And this did touch me...this hard luck life of a woman on a journey of self-discovery. Your words were like daggers pulsating with life and with pain and with hope.
As far as grammar and the mechanics of writing. I saw no errors and I have no suggestions.
I thought your use of repetiveness was profound and effective in this piece.
Hi chillybutnice, I saw this story "In The Garden" on the reviewer request page and thought I'd click in to say hello and to leave a review.
And I'm so glad I did. this is a fantastic story. Ironic justice for sure!
This story was exciting and well written minus a few little reader blocks I'll mention later.
Your story was so active and engaging. The opening was gross but typical of boys rabble rousing around. It was funny too. Now how often can you gross a reader out and make them laugh as well! Fantastic
The mischievousness of the young boys was innocent enough...typical mayhem and restlessness with no thought of consequences. But it was oh so much fun to read.
I think you nailed the characterization and the dialogue of the young boys perfectly!
The late night garden infiltration and the throwing of squishy tomatoes at unsuspecting cars was a hoot.
I do have a few suggestions. Some observations I made along my read.
"The garden was sectioned of so that anyone who was interested could have their own little lot." do you mean "off' instead of 'of'
"Despite all this we didn’t give a second thought" I'd put a comma after 'this'
"As we ran across the adjacent field towards the woods Dennis came..." I think you need a comma after 'wood' I sense a need for pause.
These were so very minor. But I thought you might want to know.
I enjoyed this story immensely. It was full of adventure and action and innocent play until of course toward the end. The end was bittersweet, the good fun turned into tragedy and Dennis...well for him it was his ascension into a world of bad behavior...it was as if...the incident stole all his reasoning and gave him a little too much swagger. It was poignant and captivating. This was well worth the read. You are a master storyteller
~Hey VickysBeachHouseBooks, saw this "You've Been Winked At" on the Reviewer request Page and thought I'd give you a 'wink' with a review
What I easily liked about this beginning chapter of your novel was the honesty and the light-hearted tone.
This was easy to read...the flow and pace of this first installment was, right on!
You have a strong and personable voice then you peppered it with a little ...Oh My...and a little humor. a.k.a: "Dick" and "Get the "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!" squad after them?" Or: "Nearly eighty percent of the men on this list had used either the photo taken during their arrest or the photo ID taken when they joined the underground militia.
The very reason I don't "wink" Arrgh, Arrgh
This was exceptionally written. I didn't see any grammar mishaps or any compromising positions with the mechanics of writing. But then, I expected no less, considering you are of higher IQ. a.k.a: "Did I mention I am also an intelligence snob? My IQ is pretty high..."
Girl...you might have to shop around till the end of time ...till the moon turns blue...I'm just joshing around...
Ah ,hem, Back to the review...I love the active voice. You have a commanding use of language. Every word was chosen for effect. I like your 'idea' of annihilation versus elimination...what a process and yet...you have two options only...'wink' or 'delete' I'd be deleting like crazy since I have not your courage!
Now that I've referenced courage...let me say...you are a brave woman...Cyberspace is about as frightening as a dark ally...darkened even more by midnight...shadowed by things lurking behind rusty green garbage cans...yeow.
I like the little bit of history you included which is very telling to how much of a 'step outside the norm' this was for you. The background check {I'd advise this on any potential 'winker-keepers'}...I mean history, was engaging and gave us insight into the mind of the author. Well done!
There were a few shocking moments...shocking because here is this straight-laced woman...who was the epitome of proper and strategizing her life perfectly...and then whupped the reader upside the head with "Dick" wow! I was star gazing for a moment...you hussy just kidding.
Oh my goodness, I've lost complete track of where I was going with this.
Oh yeah...I thoroughly enjoyed this trip to cyberspace with you. The beginning was as compelling as the middle. I can say with out a preponderance of doubt. the ending will be as tiltilating.
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I did spot a couple minor technicalities: The five gathered in a rough semicircle in the study looked occasionally at him, and frequently out of the corner of their eyes toward the crouching side table