Hey Lou

Mrs.H***Daizy Crazy

Well, what a fantasy you've written. Good grief and Holy cannoli! I'm not sure what any of these creatures are, but they are obviously not, your average human.

You have a unique approach to storytelling. Your writing has a 'fresh and appealing' creativity to it. You've done a great job of constructing your scenes and moving the plot along with action.

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Some of your words choices are a little harsh. For instance, you wrote: "The young man roused, the sound of the ocean a whisper scratching at his consciousness. A scent of thick smoke, rising from nearby, gripped his lungs, forcing his esophagus to contract." This is a good opener, it does what a opening sentence should do, but I question the use of the word 'esophagus'. It's not a reader friendly word. It's rather sharp and obtuse.

For as soon as he did so his arm instantly recoiled and an exasperated scream tore from his lips. In the previous sentence, I wonder about the use of "exasperated" It doesn't seem to support the image you've painted. From the intense pain he seemed to be in, I'd be more inclined to believe a 'piercing scream' or something more descriptive. Just a thought to consider.

A dark red fluid almost too dark to be such a necessity to life, too dark, flowed from the tear. just a little repetition with 'dark'

A thought startled and woke him from his daze.
In a startled flurry he leapt into gear. You might want to find a different word for one of the 'startled" and the 'leapt'into gear' is a bit vague. I'm not sure what you mean.


Due to the sun just rising over the sands shelter{,} it ..." I sense the need for pause after shelter.

"...an irrelevant factor now, just as a bear-like figure climbed over the sand covering blotting out the sun. his eyes flickered towards this burley ..." I'm not sure 'covering' is useful here. And you overlooked the 'his' which should be capitalized. And 'burley' is burly

Nothing would slow down enough so he could grasp it.
In the above sentence, it seems a little vague. I' m not sure what you are trying to reference. with 'nothing and grasp'

Slowly his mind eased until one sound stirred, a bold voice full of confidence and an air of arrogance spoke out. I thought the 'air of arrogance' seamed to be out of place here. I think the words are fine, perhaps just switch some of them around...'a bold, confident voice with an air of arrogance spoke out.


They appeared to be covered in hair but he strained his eyes to even perceive that.
Again, just a little awkward. perhaps:His eyes strained to perceive more than the hair which covered their bodies. Well you get my point. Something to that effect.

could only see a handle of some sort protrude from the leading grisly creature's hip. The use of 'leading grisly creature's 'doesn't seem to fit where you've place it. Perhaps: "...could see a handle protruding from the creature's hip." Sometimes, it's best to keep it simple because it makes the sentence and your intended meaning clearer and more effective.

Charging forward with intense speed, blocking out the setting sun once more, hurtled the beast having drawn its saber with lightning speed.." there is a change of tense here jarring the flow of the sentence. You have present tense with 'charging'''and blocking' but the verb is 'hurtled.' And I'm not sure I understand what's being hurtled, the beast or his saber?

Interesting end to this chapter. I liked it because it allows the reader to wonder 'what will come next.' There is no resolution to the conflict and so it entices us to read on.

I think you have the makings of a good fantasy story here. You especially construct your scene well so the story moves steadily along. Good pacing with the action. And some of your descriptions and details were
arousing and effective, painting a picture in mind.

As a reader I don't have clear picture of the characters yet or the theme. But I realize this is a continuation. I think you made a thoughtful and effective choice by beginning your story with action and with conflict.

Your overall writing skills for the 'mechanics' of writing were a little weak because of loose word choices, repetition and awkward construction of a few sentences. But don't get discouraged, such is the process of writing stories! Your overall storytelling skills are great. You have the creative finesse just polish some of those sentences up and watch your word choices. You want to use active voice as much as possible and make every word count. I thought this was creative with some excellent elements of effective storytelling {actions, constructing scenes and you have a flair for description}

I hope this has been helpful to you. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.


Write on and Peace! Kjo just grooving

Martin Edward Johnson

Hi Alex

Hi Mara


I'm visiting your port today as a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thanks for reviewing my story! I hope you find my thoughts encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful. Thanks for inviting me in.

Mara, I find Chapter one to be a chilling account of predator/prey and his motives haven't been disclosed yet. I just get the sense, there is something evil about him. yeow! and holy connoli!

Excellent job of building suspense and revealing certain characteristics of this unusual stranger with the 'Arctic eyes.' Nice use of allusion and portrayal; I feel there is so much more to be revealed about this physically commanding man and his penchant for the meek little waitress with the Irish blood.

I thought this was impeccably written. Not one word too much with effective use of description and setting and mannerisms which help to dimensionalize your characters. Superb!

I saw no errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing and I have no suggestions that could possibly improve this chapter. The spark between the waiter and customer was electrifying and a bit
frightening as well. Chilling, as I sense he is more than a bit disturbed.

I will be sure to read on. I give any suggestions or observations in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective. So I hope
you found this useful.






Write on and Peace ~*~ Kjo just groovin

Hey Prosper

I'm happy I'm able to repay the favor. Thank you for letting me know you have created an item in your port.

And what an item it is! I found your story to be well written and suspenseful. The references to the Doctor's physical ailments and his inability to recall certain facts help to establish a pattern and build suspense. Well done.

I think the storyline is unique and inventive. A time machine! This has certainly piqued my interest as i wonder, from far into the future or a blast from the past? The metal helmets are cause for thought.

So far, you have created characters, unveiled a plot and created mystery and suspense, all in just the prologue. Wonderful!

I thought this was exceptionally well written. I saw nothing that jarred me or raised a reader's flag. Superb!

I look forward to reading on so I can discover who these mongers are.

I hope you found some usefulness to this review. Thanks for inviting me in.

As I read furhter, I get the sense this will be riviting!




*flower*




Write on and Peace~*~ Kjo Just groovin

Hi Jayme


I thank you for the opportunity and pleasure of reading your story today. I saw it on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in for a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

Good grief there are deranged psycho every where. Not even safe in a tattoo parlor.

Over all Jayme I think you have good substance for
excellent story. Your storyline is original and creative. Your characterization is off to a fair start.

I found your story to be engaging and I like the internal dialog with his mother it really helps to give the reader insight into his issues and what makes him so, subtly evil. Well done.

I do have some suggestions however. Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the fist comments I'd like to make is I felt some of your sentences were a bit wordy with and not as effective or descriptive as they could be. For instance: The song was by The Beatles, and his eyes flashed as he wistfully thought about the stories his mother had told him about how the world used to be. wistfully is a wonderful descriptive word by the way.

I think you could omit and replace some of the above words so the sentence would flow smoother. Perhaps: "He was listening to a Beatles tune as he wistfully pondered over stories his mother told him. Smiling, he recalled how much she loved to talk about 'the way it used to be." You might be using more words in the above example and yet, its more descriptive and we can grasp more about both characters.

He walked over to the door, opening it to see a skinny girl with spiked purple hair waiting patiently. You changed tenses here and it's a bit jarring. And the reader doesn't need to know every move the characters make. Perhaps: He opened the door to see a skinny girl with spiked purple hair.

"...Don hated it but knew that it was necessary

She nodded, then went and sat down

When he glanced over his shoulder and saw that the girl she wasn’t looking,

He saw that noticed she'd had finished her glass of water, and he decided this was good. which made him smile within. (or happy or excited?)

He knew that if she wanted to talk about it, she would.

In the above five examples of sentences I copied from your story, I took it upon my self to strike out the 'that." "That" is necessary and unavoidable at times. Yet most of the time our sentences can stand more effectively without them.

A tall, broad woman whose husband had left her as soon as the baby was born, her punches had made his ears ring and his head had hurt for hours. She had then hugged him to her chest and said quietly, The above sentence is grammatically wrong. There is a shift in tense and it is held back a little by the overuse of 'had' It's an easy fix though. Mother was as tall as she was broad. Dad left as soon as she announced she was pregnant. She loved to take her anger out on me punching at my ears until they rang. Then she'd pull me into her bosom, hugging me before shooing me off to read the bible. Of course, these are just suggestions. But adding mannerism and details really help to bring your characters alive and make them three dimensional.

but he realized that something must have shown in his face

The tattoo was finished. It'd had taken only an hour and a half. and Don He thought that it was his best work so far.


Overall I like this story. I think you have a lot of the substance but it needs a little work. I suggest working on the characterization a little. Add more mannerisms and descriptions so the reader can relate to their turmoil.

The few tense shifts are a problem. Not one of my strengths either! And the use of that and had were a bit over done. They tend to make our sentences passive and heavy rather then allowing them to flow smoothly with ease.

[b}I think this is a creative and inventive start. It creeped me out because your character was so understated in many ways and yet, so cold blooded. Not even ruthless. It was as if it was second nature, a habit, like brushing your teeth. It made me shudder, so excellent job in that sense.

This has grand potential. Please don't discouraged. It is certainly worthy of a determined rewrite. It really doesn;t need much just a little tweaking here and there.

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay and for sharing this quiet and yet lethal little horror story.





Write on and Peace~*~kjo just groovin

Hi Eagerlot


I'm reviewing your story because I found it on the Request a review page. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

Wow and holy cannoli what a push over! But if he wasn't she would be, someone usually is in the family.

You certainly haven't portrayed a loving couple and that's kind of sad. Good grief no wonder he's a little reluctant to tell his wife about his decision. She might klunk him upside the head.

Though this was short, I thought you are are off to a fair start with characterization. And I could certainly get a sense of the humor,so well done.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

To keep with the flow, perhaps consider removing the 'and'.

A long string of drool hung from Davis’s mouth like a stage rope attached to his collar and continuing down to his gown.

mayor of a small town named Green Valley in Arizona. Green Valley was a small town of 26,000 people In the above sentence I underlined a little repetition. Maybe find a different way of saying 'small town'?

These are so small and easily addressed if you so choose. you ask if you should continue with the story or end it. I think you have to make it a bit longer, it certainly doesn't have that finished feel to it.

I though you did a great job with word usage. You made a great effort of making every word count. I thought your writing was solid but it seems to be lacking a little imagery and description. What does his wife look like? Is her appearance as stern as her personality and mannerisms?

How long have they been married? any children? While the reader doesn't have to know everything, it's also important to give us a little history and background information.

I think you're off to a good start. There are very few errors and that's excellent! I think your story is lacking a little substance, but I realize it isn't finished yet. This has great potential!

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.







Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

Hi Just an ordinary Jyo


Wow, I applaud your patience Jyo and the decorum in which you remain steadfast to the 'instructional' manner of getting Nanni to eat those eggs.


I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful.

You are a better person than me about the approach you took. Back in the day ( I'm from the old school of disciplining) After a couple minutes of her smart remarks, I'd be saying, you will eat these eggs if I have to feed you myself. But that probably of wouldn't gotten me anywhere but outdoors screaming to no one then nursing a headache. I am impressed by your commitment and diligence.

And Nanni what an exasperation with her colorful demands and intuitiveness. She seems quite precarious and clever. I'm a grandma now so I'd find situations and moments like that very humorous.

How inventive and brave you were to eat eggs even though you are vegetarians and the conversation to get to that point was enjoyable, colorful and creative.

I saw not one thing I could suggest changing! Right on!
Thanks for letting me stay I hope you found this useful.





Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

Hi psychrevolt

You are receiving this review as a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thanks for reviewing one of items. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful. Thanks for inviting me in.

Well, gee, I've been informed! Really, this was not only informative but also interesting.

I learned a few things I didn't know and was engaged by your forthcoming, active writing style. Awesome!

I believed every statement because it was said with affirmation, as if you've done your research and because you seem to have passion about the subject. Right on!


Your essay was effective. You revealed the subject and you gave reasons supporting the subject as well as facts. Gee, you must be a student schooled in the art of writing essays which are both enjoyable and educational!

I do have a couple of suggestions. Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


The background static of yesteryear wasis virtually nonexistent. This leap made the difference between the sounds we hear around us in everyday life and new recordings seem indistinguishable, bringing music closer to reality than ever before. Now, I could be wrong because it's been a long ,long, well anyway, it's been awhile since I've been to school, but perhaps instead of 'was' use 'is'?


artists themselves found themselves being both artistically challenged and empowered. Just struck out the repetitive use of 'themselves.'

otherwise, impeccably written. In active voice with good selective use of words.Fantastic!

I hope you found some use to this review. Thanks for letting me stay and keeping informed.






Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

Hi Luxury Green


I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

Holy Cannoli! She's a stalker. Or is she? Well the questions remain. In fact, I like how you allowed the reader to wonder where this was going. The surge of questions ranged from, how'd she get in to the house to perhaps she's just a lone spirit unable to cross over. Well, okay, that's stretching it a bit, but my point is, you did a fantastic job of leaving the reader to wonder, question and to even fill in between the lines.

I do like it when an author allows the reader to surmise. It makes for a much more interesting read when some details are left for the reader to speculate over. Well done.


I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? Keep in mind, I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

The first observation I have is for you to consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. You've indented them so that great but spaces will help to give the reader's eyes a rest. I've copied one small paragrpah and placed spaces between just to give you and idea.Not only does it aid in the read but also serves to make your story look more polished.


Was it her drinking that made him leave her?

Her eyes moved to the king size bed, home to the most pleasant memories of their relationship. Memories of long nights of ecstasy flooded her mind. The cracked headboard made her to smile; it was all coming back to her now. At least that part of their relationship had been successful. The bed still had the same sky blue comforter, but the corners were straight and there were no visible creases or wrinkles. Unnecessary pillows were arranged, neatly, white with lace, delicately embroidered with blue flowers.

So that’s the kind of girl he’s dating now, she thought, frowning, thinking back to their days of rumpled sheets.

Also I think you could safely omit 'to' in the following sentence. It really isn't needed and interrupts the flow.
The cracked headboard made her to smile; it was all coming back to her now.

She walked over to the walk-in closet...May I suggest a more descriptive word than 'walked' It's similar to 'walk-in' and doesn't really give the reader any insight into her personality, her mood, her disposition. Perhaps: stomped, or strutted, or strolled, even traipsed would be more descriptive. This will help to give the reader clues about your characters 'frame of mind' It's important to make every word count.

neatly hung up clothing I think you could remove 'up' usually when clothes are hung, it's up. So it's given information the reader can safely assume.


These are easily addressed if you choose. They are just small reader blocks, but I feel this is the beginning of a story with grand potential, with just a little tweaking it can reach it's full 'potential'

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for sharing this provocative story about one 'women's inability to move on. Your introduction was great and your character's tempest ways kept me engaged. I look forward to reading more.









Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

Hey Marty


I've been hanging on to this story of yours for sometime and just now got around to reading it and reviewing. Originally, I saw it on the Request a Review Page but didn't have the time to finish it. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

I certainly sense the pain and the anger within Jim. The tone of this piece echos with his pain. So well done with evoking emotion in the reader.


Too, I thought this was exceptionally well written. I love it when I happen upon a piece that flows so smoothly and is essentially error free! Awesome.

In fact, I have no suggestions or observations to make that could possibly help to improve on your story. I think you have given the reader effective characterization as well as a story with layers of meanings.

Jim being away from school isn't serving him well because he feels he's being pushed away from his mom and yet, toward the end, I sensed some hope, so excellent.

Being able to show his expert abilities on the pinball machine seemed to serve a few purposes, helped him fuse his anger once he realized why he was so angry, and playing the machine gave him an outlet to 'let' it out so to speak.

I thought this was a engaging story, with action and mixed emotions and a purposeful theme with resolution, so awesome.

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.






Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

Hi Greg Justin Hall *fower3*


I must be going crazy because it sure seems like I've read this story before. I remember the characters and the sinking feeling I had when the truth was revealed. Oh well, no matter, perhaps I read it and then didn't have time to review so I saved it. Any way, I'm reviewing it now and I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.


Aesthetically, this was a powerful story. Intriguing and evocative and though I had an idea of the truth to follow, It still affected me. What a way to discover an unbearable truth, slowly and methodically with such indifference from those who were suppose to look after your health and welfare and such forgiveness and gentleness from the one whose life you took. Wonderfully sad and touching

I do have a few suggestions. Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

First I'd like to say I think your story would be easier on the reader's eyes if you would consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. Right now the mountain of text is a bit daunting on the eyes. Not only will it aid the reader but it it also serves to make your story look cleaner and more polished.


Ivy sticks into my right arm, just below the cast.
I think you must of meant I.V. rather than ivy. (ivy is a plant

A brief of relief. The relief is put onto pause
In the above sentence "A brief of relief' is a bit vague. And then you used relief again right after making it a bit redundant. And I'm not sure about the 'onto pause' Perhaps you might want to reconsider those two sentences?

Daryl’s daughter through me off track
Do you mean threw rather than through?

At least know, you can’t drink and drive anymore.” It seems the word now might be a better fit rather than know.

I think you have the substance of a poignant story. It certainly is inventive and I like the methodical way in which you allowed your character to suffer and wonder and finally to realize his mistake. I like the fact he did take responsibility.

I think the message is powerful but the few errors and the lack of spaces between text makes for a labored read. This is too good of a story with a momentous theme to be stilted by a few reader blocks. I think this would greatly benefit from a determined rewrite.

It doesn't need much, just tighten it up a bit and watch your word usage. otherwise, what a brutal exposition on carelessness and the results of the wrong choices we make. Yeow! This was haunting and affecting.


Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you find my comments helpful.






Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

Seasons Greetings Nathii M.



What an odd pair, this mother/daughter. With their acrid banter back and forth. But oh they did it in such good taste with their airs and ways and Manolo Lahnik shoes!

I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in to read the first chapter but when I saw the intro, well, you know the rest. Thanks for inviting me in. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I definitely got the feel for the humor here. Mom, what a gem she is. With her hundred questions and peculiar ways. I could nearly picture her rambling off the questions in her high pitched voice...and the cat, what about the cat? Holy Cannoli.

And Nathii, well a spoiled little princess bad girl with her snappy comebacks and oooh the sarcasm that rolls off her tongue. My mom would cut eyes at me that would have me shrinking away if I talked like that. Yeow.

I noticed your disclaimer at the bottom and for me, well I didn't even notice the punctuations in Irma's dialog. For me I can't imagine them placed any differently, after all she is high strung and dramatic, thus the punctuation for emphasis and pause.

So far, I think you have excellent characterization, Snappy dialog and clever use of language. I look forward to reading the first chapter.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions. Thanks for sharing this evocative look into one Mother and Daughter's strange but wonderful relationship.








Write on and Peace~*~Kjo a Jazzy Christmas

Seasons Greetings Coffeebean




Just your everyday stroll along the green, green acres of a cemetery, Yeow! Well, someone had to tell him, might as well be Mr Pitts! Your title piqued my interest so I stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.



Yeah, I think you just about summed it up and you did it so effectively and in such few words. I can picture the shocked Mr Smith running blindly through the grass freaked out because he's just been told something he doesn't want to believe.



To make this so vivid through a few actions and words makes you a wordsmith. You made every word count here, so bravo!{/x}



I saw no errors and I have no suggestions. Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this review helpful. I suspect this isn't first time the two had to be bearers of bad news. Nothing like running from the truth! Holy Cannoli! I enjoyed your story, I thought it was well written, nice use of dialog, with a shocking little surprise.







Write on and Peace~*~Kjo a Jazzy Christmas

Welcome to writing.com Gabriel S. New!



Seasons greetings too!. I saw this on the Request a Review page and stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful.

Aesthetically this is very nice. It just has a wonderful tone. Your writing is welcoming and pleasing.

I'm not sure what this is. I don't really see it as a short story although it certainly has its character. But unless you are planning to make this a part of more to come, it's really just an experience. There doesn't seem to be any plot.

However, I think there are some excellent aspects of storytelling here. You use imagery very well and your words choices are superb!

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

Even though this is a short item, I would still consider placing spaces between your paragraphs and indenting as well. As it stands now, the mountain of text is a bit daunting.

Also, I noticed a few areas where you could remove the passive had altogether.
The dark eyes had glazed over in the face, It had nothadn't raised its head from the cropping position, and the small hairs around its lips tickled the hairs of the turf.

Its inhalations outlasted their complements, a long sucking breath being followed by a tearing puff that vibrated the nasal cavity. here I think this might be less ambiguous and smoother if you switched the sentence around a bit. Its inhalations outlasted their complements as a long sucking breath was followed by a tearing puff vibrating the nasal cavity.

Those are my only observations. Otherwise your language choice is stellar, your descriptions and details lovely.

I think this is an aesthetically pleasing item though I don't see it as a story, yet anyway.

I hope you have found some usefulness to this review. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.






Write on and Peace~*~Kjo a jazzy Christmas

Seasons Greetings Charlie


I'm visting your port today because I wanted to 'pay it forward' with a review. Thanks for visting my port. And I also wanted to leave this review in hopes of instilling in you an idea of how to write a review. I don't mean to sound presumptuous, but a five word review really isn't much help to the author especially when the rating is average or lower.

I'm not the best reviewer but I want to learn as much from my reviews as I hope the author does. Adapt your own style but a few more words on what you liked about it or what's good and then a few suggestions or observations can be helpful. For instance this is how I usually approach a review:

Thanks for inviting me in to your port. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful. Please keep in mind I offer suggestions or observations in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering you one reader's perspective.

Charlie I sense your excitement and your enthusiasm. That's such a great aspect to instill in your writing.

I think your article could benefit from length. It's very short and some readers such as myself, aren't familiar with "lucid dreaming." I personally haven't heard the term so I'm not sure what you are describing.

In order for the reader to get a clear idea of your theme, perhaps a little more description and a definition would be helpful.

I sense it has something to do with vividness, a dream so real its like you are actually living it but after reading your article, all I captured was 'awareness' Perhaps consider giving not only a dictionary definition but one in your layman terms then an actual dream you can remember to give the reader's a feel of what it's like to dream lucidly?

When I discovered that it was more about being aware and even controlling one's dream state, Just a suggestion Charlie, but often times the word 'that' can be omitted from our sentences: "When I discovered it was more about being...."

The reason for this ws easy In this sentence there's a typo. 'ws' do you mean is or was?


Dream Dialogues with the help of Ira Progoff.. You mention this exercise? and this person but for a reader who isn't aware of the study of dreams this went right over my head. I think to make your article more readable and cognitive, it's best not to assume your reading audience understands what and who you're writing about.

The theme and concept are intriguing. Your enthusiasm is wonderful.

I can sense your passion and your delight. But the article needs more substance with a definition and descriptions and details. Right now it falls short of its grand potential.

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay. And again, thank you for visting my port. But, if you can't leave more than a five word review along with why you rated it as you did, then please don't visit my port because it serves me no purpose.

Stay happy, stay joyful and always stay hopeful.





Write on and Peace~*~Kjo a jazzy Christmas

~*~Hi Alex~*~

I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in and say hello. Thanks for inviting me in Alex and Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

Alex, not bad for your first story. I found your style welcoming and your story engaging. So well done.

I like the way you weaved the ride on the bus with the the thoughts of dying with the walk up the stairs at home to find your wife. It was easy to follow and quite inventive and explicably sad.

I do have some suggestions however. Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

I would suggest working on the opening paragrpah. As you know, it's one of the most important aspects of your story because you want to 'hook' the reader and draw them in so they will be encouraged to read on.

I found the repetition to be pretentious rather than clever. I get the sense you were using it with the hopes of emphasizing how invisible, average and mundane your character was especially without Laura.

He waited at the bus stop, just as he would have on any other morning. The bus pulled up late, as it would any other morning. He got on the bus, just as he would on any other morning. This was however no ordinary morning; this was the last morning of his life, the last day of his life. His name is John Roberts, it is no longer important, it is an unexceptional name, and he is an unexceptional man.

While repetition is valuable at times, it can create a little wordiness. Perhaps consider: This was no ordinary morning for John Roberts, an unexceptional man with an average name waiting for the same bus at the same stop going in the same direction. But what made this morning different? It could possible be John Roberts last day.

You might not like my words, but you get my point. As you can see, I utilized a little repetition. There is this precarious balance to consider.

I also noticed a little repetition or words throughout other areas of your story. And it tends to hold back your sentences a bit and interrupt the flow.
I struck out a few here and there and in some cases replaced it.

John beeped his bus pass as he stepped onto the bus. The bus driver had a kindly old man’s face, a warm smile, and his voice was mellifluous when he said good morning. John smiled at the bus driver and wondered if it would be the drivers last morning as well. The bus was completely empty, it was at the third stop on its route and no commuters had yet to board, maybe that was a sign. He walked down to the back of the bus and took a seat. The bus was silent, as good a tomb as any other.

His heart beated hard, like a beast imprisoned in his ribs trying to smash its way out. I think the heart beated hard is a bit awkward, and I don't think 'beated.' is a word? Perhaps: His heart was beating against his ribs like a imprisoned beast trying to smash its way out.? just a thoguht to ponder.

Alex, I think this story has grand potential. Overall, I liked it and you displayed some wonderful aspects of storytelling. I like how you allowed the character to be in the present as he told a back story relating it to the mundanes and monotony of his day to day. That was well done and clever.

There are a few issues. Mainly with wordiness and repetition. But you've got a great start here and with a little editing this could be very good, compelling and suspenseful.

You had a great ending. I really like how you left the reader to wonder. Fantastic!

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.








Write on and Peace~*~ Kjo just groovin

~*~ Hey Richard~*~

Of course I couldn't resit, so here I am ready to review your sequel.


Holy Cannoli! What an adventure. Well, Richard, I think your nickname must be Indiana Jones
I wonder, would any of you gone across the cable box if you'd known it was for carrying wood to the other side?

But oh what fun, And that's the best kind, to go forward without knowing the dangers, succeeding and then discovering the danger. What a thrill and a feeling of accomplishment.

Anyway, this journey of yours was great fun to read. I enjoyed in immensely. Such lovely descriptions allowing me to vividly experience the prolific beauty of Honduras: "the waterfall was breathtaking, rushing from an enormous pinnacle, cascading out of sight to the rocky creek bed below. Mist drifted up from the booming impact, filtering through shafts of sunlight breaking through the jungle canopy" gorgeous use of words sir!

I do have a couple of suggestions. Of course, i offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

It's just that annoying comma rule. Everyone falter now and again


As we talked Sharon, seated behind us, joined in to let us know she was on her way to a jungle lodge as well. Actually the misplaced comma in the above sentence creates a choppy read. Maybe? As we talked, Sharon seated behind us, joined in to let us know she was on her way to a jungle lodge as well.

Upon arrival at LaCeiba we quickly found our Omega transport And in this sentence it's just missing a comma after 'arrival'.

Safely back, all together, we all had a spirited discussion about what had happened Here I wondered about the 'all together' it seemed to interrupt the flow so i crossed it out ans added all and then struck out a 'had'. Your way isn't wrong of course, my way isn't better, just different. And of course, these are just suggestions to ponder.

Otherwise Richard, this was a delightful read. Such thrilling adventure amidst stunning beauty written with clarity, wit and with lovely use of word choices. Breathtaking!

Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you found this useful.






Write on and peace~*~Kjo just groovin

~*~Hi Judy~*~


Thanks for sharing your thoughts on death Judy. I found them to be inspiring and uplifting. Though I wouldn't want to die anytime soon because I want to see my grandchildren grow and marry and I have unfinished business...I'm not afraid to die.


Thank you for inviting me in to you port. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful.

The voice of experience can offer so much comfort and understanding. It seems you are not only wise but know how to emphasize. That is truly a wonderful combination when other's around your are grieving.

I think your article is valuable and thought-provoking.

I do have a couple of suggestion if I may? Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering you one reader's perspective.

I thought some of your article was a bit wordy, some repetition and held back a little by passive voice and the superfluous 'that'. For example: approach the death or approaching death of a family member, with anything but tears and sorrow.
Why do we approach death so negatively? I believe it isit's largely because that is how our society has trained us to react with fear (or dread?) to it. Just removed a little wordiness to make every word count.

But I truly believe we deny ourselves the very salve that will help us to deal with that loss, if we look only at the negatives. again, just removed some wordiness.

Knowing that Hearing is the last sense to leave before a person dies, so I quickly urged his wife that the time was near, saying to "Go talk to him now if you'd like. because he can still hear you
Perhaps a few changes to stay in the flow of active voice? Just thoughts to ponder Judy. You way isn't wrong and my way isn't better, just different

Both in my personal life and in my previous experience as a nursing assistant, I've have had a number of occasions to deal dealt with death. Just omitting wordiness to make the sentences more active.


I think you have given the reader valuable and pertinent information. This is thought-provking and interesting. I value your opinion as it seems you speak from wisdom of years and experience. Thanks for sharing. I hope you've found this helpful.







Write on and peace~*~ Kjo just groovin

~*~Hi Clint~*~


I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in to say hello. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might have, useful.

You did a great job of uniting the senses in this short piece. I could especially sense the orange slice...I love those darn things. I did the very same thing you describe in your story Nice job with arousing my taste buds for orange slices.

I think you described a very welcoming place, this grandpa's den. I would of liked a little more description of the type of pipe tobacco...what does it remind you of? Is it sweet, woodsy...But, still, I enjoyed your descriptions: This was simple, but nice, and sometimes, simpler is better "make yellow transform into a perfect sun on the canvas. Wonderful.

I was hoping for more exotic names for the tubes of paint just to authenticate your story a bit more. Like cadmium red or titanium white, yellow ochre. Just a thought for you to ponder.

I do have a couple of small suggestions if I may? Keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.
"but for all the flakes of tobacco and ash that landed on everything." I think you could perhaps make this sentence a bit more active by writing it without the 'that' and making your verb present: "but for all the flecks of tobacco and ash settling over everything."

In the following sentence, just a small typo. Did you mean patience? With patients and a smile he'd answer them all.

I think this is a fine story. I like the arousal of various senses fusing together....taste, sight, smell. The end was unexpected and sad. I'd never heard of something such as that. How unfortunate.

The grandfather's den seems like a comforting and loving place to be. Lovely memories, sights, sounds and smells to treasure. Thanks for sharing this tender and simple but poignant story.






Write on and Peace ~*~ Kjo just groovin

~*~Hi Richard Burke~*~

I stopped into say hello. Thanks for inviting me into your port. I saw your story on the Request a review page. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make, useful.

{i]Wonderful! A little adventure, a little history a little suspense/drama, what more can a reader ask for?

I thought this was well written and engaging. The author did a fantastic job of keeping me interested and piquing my interest enough to read the sequel. Excellent!

I thought everything flowed nicely at a good pace.
Already, though this is a short item, we know a little about the characters, setting and I suspect there will be more adventure and suspense. You couldn't take the reader all the way to Honduras without a little exasperation and intrigue.

I thought your descriptions wereexceptional Allowing me to visualize "the Soft grey puffs of undulating mist passed outside the window, but no sign of land." Superb!

Thanks for sharing this beginning of what appears to be an exciting journey. I look forward to reading more. I saw no errors and I have nothing to offer as far as suggestions.





Write on and Peace~*~Kjo just groovin

~*~ Hi C. Anthony~*~

In response to your e-mail, I popped into read and review your story. Thank you for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I might make useful.

I enjoyed your story. It was haunting and surreal. It was odd at first, reading he survived the crash without a scratch, not even a tear in his jacket. I like your approach to the photograph from which the story was inspired. I read a few others and this is inventive and creative, a wonder departure from the usual. I thought you pulled it together very nicely Awesome!

Your characterization was excellent and I thought your details and descriptions were impeccable, just enough to give the reader a glimpse in to his personal nightmare.

I like how you slowly and methodically pulled the reader in and then shocked us with the truth of his reality. Excellent.

I do have a couple of minor suggestions. Please keep in mind I offer these in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of offering one reader's perspective.

his wife already brining the car around. just a little typo. I'm sure you meant bringing? revile the face of his Milano watch;
do you mean reveal?

And then I just notice a little repetition and wordiness here and there nothing that interrupted the flow of the story but thought you might like to know. For instance: This place looked familiar but Preston could not recall having ever been here before today.
I thought this was a little wordy. Perhaps: The place looked familiar but he wasn't sure why?
Had he been here before? well just a thought to ponder.

Someone had to know the plane crashed[,] he thought, as he worked his way over the pile of luggage cases and airplane parts...." {c;blue} just a little comma needed after 'crashed'

I thought this was overall, very well written. I enjoyed his journey as he realized the perpetual state of death. I thought you did a super job of bringing the reader in and making it seem like the incident was unfolding as we read rather than flashbacks. Nice use of suspension of belief and build up to the gist of the story. Awesome!

Thank you for sharing this imaginative and compelling read. I hope you found this useful.



This has been a Yellow Power Review raid


Write on and Peace~*~Kjo Its A weekend Review raid

~*~ Ho Blompkin ~*~