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Review of Black and Olive  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

Hi Rue. This is a review for your story I found on the Request a Review page. Than you for the opportunity to read this and I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

Well, that was quite the opening scene. It's great to open with action even tough it may not be pleasant and it certainly was a bit violent, but you captured my interest. I wanted to know what happened next, so bravo for a well written and intriguing opener.

It seemed your hero came out of nowhere and I liked the fact their was an air of mystic to this dark stranger. great imagery, with his coat-tails flapping in the wind. nice! *Delight*

It seems he is an avenger, a man with purpose and with a tainted past. We don't know much about him yet, but he sure knows how to be at the right place in the right moment. *Wink* I sense this is just the beginning and I look forward to reading more chapters.

I do have a couple of observations to make. They are meant to give you a reader's perspective. I offer them in the spirit of respect and with humble intent. Take what you will in anything, or nothing at all. I am just one reader.

dying nature had to watch others to the same. Something about this sentence isn't right. Do you mean '...others do the same?" That seems to make a little more sense.


From the side, another man who wore black had appeared, I think you could safely omit the 'had' and if would make the sentence more active.


It seemed to comment the mood of TirscheI'm not sure I understand what you mean by 'comment' to use this word in the context of your sentence makes it seem like you are suggestion the wind commented the mood of Tirsche?

... he had been standing with... her you might want to consider making 'he had' into the contraction 'he'd' just for the sake of reducing your word usage. Just a thought for you to ponder. Your way certainly isn't wrong. *Wink*

While he retraced the fight from before in his mind, a voice interrupted. the reader knows about the fight, so to say 'from before' is just a little repetitive.




other wise, I thought this was well written, active and alive with action and with a hard-hitting tone which matched the brutality of the scene and the the mysteriousness of the stranger.*Delight*

We don't have a lot of characterization yet, but I realize this is just the first chapter. I suspect there will be more to follow.

You captured my interest and sustained it through out your story. Trische appears to be a formidable character with a shaded past or lifestyle. But I'm not certain, yet. *Delight*

I hope you found some usefulness to this review. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of Bullet  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Richard Luck, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided I wanted to read and review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

You're right, this is a unique POV. It's first person but also omniscient, but I could be wrong because I'm not that schooled on all the various POV's. No Matter,
all that matter's is how the story affected the reader.

This was a chilling account of one's young woman's descent into the world of drugs. I'm not sure what "biting the bullet' is. In fact, I've never hear that phrase before, but your apt and detailed description gave me enough of an idea to know, that was one heck of a trip! Yeow! *Shock*

This story was startling and fearsome. The story is really, layers of meanings. It's a brutal exposition on the power and insanity of drugs; it is also a story of a troubled woman who seems to have lost her mother and a good friend, and few other's at her own hands while under the influence of drugs. Holy cannoli!

And all the while she convinces herself it is Winnie 'taking care' of them to protect her. She's more than a bit confused.

Until John comes in the picture. In a way his love is a catalyst to the end. More than likely she sees herself killing him as well and thus, the end.

This is a psychological thriller in a sense and the author makes sure the reader is left wondering was it drugs, depression or mental illness or all?

Anyway, it was inventive and the POV was different and clever, but in spite of all the effective and often time brilliant storytelling efforts, I felt the author didn't fully commit to the story and give us the complete characterization of the narrator. Please know I am just one reader and my perspective isn't every readers.

I'm left with a few questions that seem unresolved especially now that it really is the end. Is she a saint or was she just born self-destructive? Why did she bite the bullet anyway? What was her character like before the drugs? Anyway, just a few unanswered questions.

The only real observation I have is the formatting. And perhaps this was intentional. I wasn't sure how I felt about the lack of paragraphs. It seems your story was mostly in dialogue but with quotation marks. The narrator was basically talking to herself or retelling the events as she saw them and experienced them. It was unique, but if made the flow and the pace a bit choppy. On the same token, it was very creative and clever. So bravo to you stepping out-of-the-box.

As far as technical aspects, I'd suggest doing a scan for punctuation, some of your sentences could benefit from commas but, here again, perhaps the lack of, was intentional? You certainly bemused this reader. Mostly in a very good way. *Wink*

This was certainly thought-provoking and fierce. Creatively, you seem to have a flair for writing thrillers and horror/scary story lines. So well done.

I hope this has been useful to you. Thanks for letting me stay awhile and for allowing me the opportunity to read this most unusual yet evocative story.

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of You Need a Woman!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Stefanie Berger Scott, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Holy Cannoli woman! Grace sure wouldn't be your name. *Bigsmile* There was just one crazy mishap after another. Gee, I'm wondering if it's safe for you to get out of the house. haha,*Laugh*

What I liked about this story was your courage to write so inhibition free . You've got spunk and a 'this is-how-it-is" mentality and I can appreciate that!

Also, this was funny, You had me cracking up with your antics. And some of your sentences were a bit shocking *Shock* They were hard, which is why I had gotten a bloody nose. *Shock* Goodness. I Didn't see that one coming.

But this was just the craziest reaction and thought simultaneously. Aarrgh, Aarrgh "Not only did I throw up in front of someone that just broke my heart, but also I never got the chance for him to see my butt.*Shock* What a elevator trip.

Good job with comedy which was entertaining for this reader and with an element of surprise.

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please know, the observations I make are give humbly with the intent of sharing with the author a reader's perspective, Yet I am just one reader.


And every morning as I watch them kiss[,] I imagine it is I kissing him. My kiss would [linker] longer than a usual goodbye kiss does, comma after kiss and did you mean linger instead of linker? Also, I think that sentence might be more effective if you wrote it in active present voice such as: Every morning as I watched them kissing, I imagined he was kissing me."

I was rushing, and whenever I rushedrush[,] I was halted by my own clumsiness. I think 'rush' would be a better choice in this context and place a comma after rush for there is a need to pause.

I looked down to see if there was any noticeable rip in my pants, I think this sentences would work better in active voice. "I smoothed my hands over my pants feeling for rips." Something like that

When the elevator doors opened to their greatest width they exposed both Jack and Ben involved in a kiss full of passion; the kind you only see in the movies. This sentences seems a bit wordy to me. I think you can say more with less?
Perhaps: The elevator door opened revealing Jack and Ben kissing. And boy did that kiss seem passionate. Well, you get my point.


turned around and noticed that this floor was much like the one I worked on. Wall to wall cubicles all in rectangles seemed like a human version of a honeycomb One think I noticed you do a lot is describe every thought and action to the smallest of detail. Sometime it better to let the reader imagine. I wonder about the need to say, "I turned around..." Perhaps you could shortened this sentence a bit: I noticed this floor was no different then mine: wall to wall office cubicles. From where I was standing, they reminded me of honeycomb. Well something to that effect.

I think this story has great potential. It made me laugh and gave me a few surprises and shocks which were delightful and disturbing at the same time. Good job! i do think this could be better. Work on omitting some of the detail, not every thought and action has to be written.

The reader likes to be informed but they also like to imagine, it's that balance 'thing. Some of your sentences were a bit wordy, but that's an easy fix if you choose.

I thought this was a very good beginning. liked its off-beat humor and your honesty was appealing.

With a little tweaking this will be great! I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Don't you just hate puke breath? Arrgh Arrgh and Yuck! Good luck with Mr. Right and more than likely, you're better off finding a straight man to love you like a woman should be loved *Wink*

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin*Flower3*
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Review of A Dog's tale...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mortimer Kent, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to see what all the commotion was and to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Holy Cow! Aarrgh, AArrgh! I wish I'd been a neighbor to see your cat hater turn in to a 110 pound wuss after being sprayed by the skunk. Yuck! *Bigsmile*

Hey this was good fun, perfect for the first and only review of the morning before I head off to work. Thanks for the few laughs! *Laugh*

I thought your story was entertaining and well written. Aaah, the perfect end to a perfect day...not! yeow! There is nothing worse then skunk stank throughout your house, it happened to me once, but the the recipient was my ex. I made him sleep on the proch *Wink* What is that stuff? Hardly any amounts of bathing can remove it.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may. Minor stuff. Please know my suggestions are offered humbly with the intent of giving the author a reader's perspective. I am just one reader however.

"With that the beautiful mother of three went off downstairs...Though he was a giant baby with our three children and practically any other human within licking range, he hated cats with a passion." Both of these are great active sentences. Nothing wrong with them really. Just a little repetitive with 'three children' mentioned twice. In the second sentence you could say 'he's a giant baby with our kids...."

I loved the line...'and practically any other human within licking range...' Haha! and Yuck.

Once securing the animal on the deck with a leash[,]I headed downstairs to meet my wife [who was totally bewildered and had already had the time
to fall asleep.] The phrase between the brackets seems a little awkward to me. Not completely sure what you are trying to say.

Other wise, this was some nice comic relief. I thought this was overall, well written. Great active voice. There was a little action, some wit and a lesson to be learned for Tucker who was a 110 pound-cat-hating machine, but alas, is now just a mere shadow of his former self. All dogs must retire from chasing cats at sometime in their lives *Laugh*All cats live for this day and celebrate world-wide. *Laugh*

I enjoyed this light-heated delightful story. Thanks for giving me a few morning laughs. I hope you found this useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Laugh*
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Gregor Carbine, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestion I may leave, helpful.

This started as a very reflective piece of writing. Contemplative as the narrator celebrates a new life away from the ghosts of the past in a cemetery, it seems it's a bit of tradition for him.

The setting is well described and places the reader at the scene as he contemplates life how it used to be compared to how his living his life now. The pace and flow match the moment as he reflects. Well done with those elements of storytelling.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may. I give them humbly with the intent of offering the author a reader's perspective.

When I was younger[,] a friend had shown me this reclusive spot I felt a need for pause after 'younger' perhaps a comma?

Although the clearing was small, I couldn't help but be terribly surprised that, with the hundreds of times traveling this road of choice, I had never noticed the little memorial to fallen families of an older age
This sentence was a bit a bit wordy and long. Just a thought to ponder.

Leaving the car behind[,] we made the short venture
comm after 'behind' and here: his resting places epitaph." I don't think 'places' needs to be plural? In the past[,] I only visited
comma after past.

couldn't help but take in the ghastly sight of the gray-green flesh which was stripping from the bleached white bone that it was attempting to conceal.
wonderful active descriptions and yet I'm not sure about 'stripping' perhaps 'falling' from the bleached white bone is was trying to conceal? Just a thought for you to consider?

The only other observation I'd like to make, is while the beginning of the story serves it's purpose by being reflective and this is why the narrator goes to his place of 'rebirth' to celebrate, it seems like that part of the story is a bit too slow and repetitive. Some of the same thoughts and reflections are repeated which slows the story down a bit too much.

The later part of the story, when the clouds start rolling in, really came alive for me. There was action and fear and horror.

Too it seems, all the ghouls, ghosts and skulls served as a metaphor for the ghosts of his past. Perhaps serving as a grim reminder to stay clear of the life he used to know.

of course I could be reading too much in to it, but it certainly seems to be an underlying theme.

Anyway, that part of your story was superb. With action and fear which, as a reader, I felt and with well chosen words to match the diabolical moment. The fear reverberated off the page as I was reading. So well done.

I certainly think this is a story with huge potential. You might want to consider attending to those small errors and then scan for repeated thoughts in the first part of the story so it doesn't drag too much.

Again, just thoughts for you to ponder.

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*





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Review of Keeping  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi secret within myself I just stopped by to say hello and to see what secrets you are 'keeping'. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Holy Cow and wow! Furry creatures...like fuzzy slippers scurrying about. Goodness, what an odd yet wonderful little story. *Wink*

Now I know what to call all my pet peeves. Of course mine are different then Moira's. Great names though.

This story was certainly unique and inventive. You did a fantastic job with description and characterization. I could visualize Moira and the Narrator as well as the 'pet peeves' Yeow, I would of never considered my pet peeves as a storyline. Excellent use of taking something we all have and making it come alive. Like a horror flick that's not really scary just weird, but good! *Delight*

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may. Please know any observations I have are given humbly with the intent of providing you an reader's perspective. I am just one reader.


I knew where I was in that way in dreams where you just know – sitting at the dinner table between two complete strangers and knowing they were supposed to be my mom and dad, but they didn’t exactly have faces. This sentence is a bit wordy, long and it seems a little awkward.

It made something sank a little inside of me. If it hadn’t been for the peeves, I don't think the word 'sank' is the right context of the word in this sentence?

The only other observation I have is just the dream you had while sleeping over. I just wonder how important it is to the story as a whole. It seemed to lead me away from the theme of the story. and had me wondering it's value. Just a thought for you to ponder. And it certainly wasn't wrong. Just thought I'd mention it because it distracted me a bit.

otherwise, I enjoyed this story. It was certainly clever and creative so bravo,and it was appealing in a strange but wonderful way.*Shock*

I hope you found some usefulness to this review. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Melissa S. Barnes, I caught your story of the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Well its seems you are in the midst of quite a romance novel here with the setting way back in the day with Lords and Kings and Knights. I see this is a 'work in progress' It seems Elvira has been duped by a Lord and then left to raise the child alone. So she flees her home town and ends up being saved by her child uncle?

I think this story has potential Melissa. There are some nice elements of storytelling but I see this a a diamond in the rough. There were quite a few mistakes and in the mechanics of writing and then I have some observations to make about the context of the story.

Please know the observations and suggestions I make are given humbly with the intent of giving the author a reader's perspective, yet I am just one reader.


Then it was true her friend was gone to be married to a foreigner. Isabel had once told her that being King Marc['s] niece came with it certain duties. I took it upon myself to strike out unnecessary words and to not corrections within the brackets. While had and that are often time necessary, sentences can sometimes do without them.

It's not too surprising since I am also of nobility, but I do not think he knows who I am. He thinks I am a peasant. I am sure that his parents do not approve. Besides what our parents do not know will not hurt them. I can not believe that he have danced with me as long as he has. Trent has not even danced with any of the other ladies. In this paragrpah the repetition of do not and 'not's are a bit disconcerting. You might consider omitting them or finding replacements for some. It's a bit repetitious.


They walked for awhile until we came to a small...change in POV from "they to we", The shift was a bit jarring.

you would merry me.” “I cannot merry you.”
Here you spelled 'marry' as 'merry' and yet later in the story you spelled it 'marry'. At first i thought it might be translation, but then it changed throughout the story. Just a thought for you to ponder.

No one else should have to go through this. No one should be treated like an animal. He said he... A bit of repetition with 'no one'. and 'treated like an animal is a bit of a cliche.

could go to an abbey, but now Hope Abbey.
The 'abbey' to 'Hope Abbey' was a source of a little confusion for me. I'm not sure what an abbey is or if Hope Abbey is a place. perhaps consider giving the readers a bit of information?

I hope they do not think have influenza. missing a word?

"I a few days he will be home. asked one of his knights asked him as though he could read his thoughts." I think this sentence needs a little TLC. repetitive use of 'asked' 'I' should be 'In' the period after 'again' should be a comma. And the POV seems a bit misconstrued here.

“I will take you to the Hope Abbey is near my father’s land. again, just a little confusion with the sentence and with "Hope Abbey."

Melissa, I can sense your excitement in the story as I was reading. There is a lot of passion which tells me, You believe in this story and you really wanted to post it for a reader's opinion. And that's okay. Sometimes, we need to know before we go forward.

On that same token, it really makes it difficult to read and review a story with some many abrupt changes in scenes and settings and excerpts from the author other than the 'narrator'. When you throw in disclaimers and side notes you interrupt the flow and the pace and it's a bit daunting and unnerving. It's hard to stay focused and do the story justice with so many interruptions.

Honestly, I felt like a young mother at home trying to read with a houseful of kids say mom, mom, mom every few minutes. *Shock**Bigsmile*Certainly no disrespect to you! I highly recommend you post your story in finished chapters before you move on to other chapters. Readers need to stay focused in order to give you the best review possible.

The mistakes are easily addressed. And really they didn't bother me as much as all the interruptions within the story. I think you have a flair for writing. I can see this story's potential. You put a lot of hard work and emotion in to your writing and that's awesome!

The lower rating is not so much for the mistakes as it is for the abrupt changes and interruptions. I'd love to read more as you write and edit. I hope this has been useful. Don't get discouraged! *Wink*Just hone those skills like I believe you can.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*
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Review of I See Dead People  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Pennywise, everytime I see the name Pennywise, I am reminded of the Stephen King movie "It" Well, I think that was it. Anyway, I just stop in to say hello and read your interpretation of "I see dead people" I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, usefull.

Holy cannoli and wow! talk about an air of nonchalance. The mind of your pshyopath was disturbing because his cold and calculatted ways were so indifferent.

Well done getting in to character and allowing the readers to experience the baneness of his brand of evil.

Your words were erie and apocalyptic. They were well chosen, like daggers that steadily drew the reader into the mind of this deviant.

This was chilling and agressive. You weild a horrific but masterful hand in horror.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions. Superb!

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found some use to this review.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Belcatar, I see you are a newbie Well, welcome to writing.com! I stopped by your port and decided to read this story to see what you had to say about Stanley's muse.

And really, what you had to say was quite thought-provoking. I like how you approached the question of whether a muse really exists. I thought this was clever and unique.

Too, there were moments of wit and humor. I mean really, sopping up the spilled milk with shorts and socks, is so something a guy would do! *Wink*

This story of yours was an inventive approach to the questions any writers have about muses, inspiration, imagination and writer's block. This was certainly a contemplative piece with some gentle nudging and moments of profound wisdom.

I do have an observation if I may/ Please know any suggestions I make are given humbly with the intent of giving the author a reader' perspective, yet,I am but one reader.

The only suggestion I want to offer is watch the use of 'that' You tend to rely on it a lot and it's not always necessary. Often we use it unconsciously because it comes so natural in our speech. I took the liberty or striking out some of the 'that's which can litter a sentence.

and no one is going to come and give me a magic word that will release my latent powers of imagination the previous sentence is a good example of when 'that' is necessary for a sentence.

“The idea that imagination is somehow responsible for great writing is another misconception.

I’ll even concede that the procrastination bit has some merit. But the idea that imagination isn’t useful in writing is absurd. I think you’re just reaching for anything that might drag an emotional response from me.”

But what he found even more infuriating was that the inkwell was right, and it hurt Stanley’s pride to think that he needed to be taught a writing lesson, or that the teacher had to inhabit an inkwell because Stanley wasn’t equipped to deal with anything as abstract as a disembodied voice." Do you see a difference as I struck out some and left others?

Anyway, those are just a few examples. You did use 'that' much more, sometimes twice in one sentence.

Otherwise, I thought this was an example of fine writing. I laughed a bit and was engaged and enlightened. So excellent job.

Wonderful use of dialogue between Stanley and the 'inkwell'

And, gee, I learned something too. How often does 'that' happen, when a reader can be entertained, engaged and enlightened? Superb!

If this is the first example of you 'honing your craft, catching the wind and sailing your ship' well, I'm thoroughly impressed newbie! I look forward to reading more.

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I wish you fair sailing weather! *Bigsmile*

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*
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310
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jenna, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

There is certainly a lot to consider and mull over in this story of yours. Wow. It's like a theme within a theme within a theme. I thought this was cleverly told with moments of wit. It seems the narrator has conversations with his alter ego which is the voice of reason and sometimes conflict. It also seems the narrator is a writer who once wrote a book about a character who also has conversations with his alter ego as he's committing crimes?

And it seems his book reflects his own life. So, there is a lot going on. I don't think its too difficult to follow but there were moments of confusion. Moments when I felt the story dragged a bit or wasn't detailed enough. And I was left with some questions about what happened to Katie. It doesn't seem like her character was resolved. It's okay to let the reader do some of the work, but there was some confusion.

I do have some observations and suggestions. Some are in formatting and some with either grammar or the mechanics of writing. Please keep in mind that I offer these suggestions with the intent of giving you a reader's perspective, yet I am only one reader.

First let me say your formatting is a bit overwhelming. I think some of your paragraphs are a bit long and could benefit from spaces between them so the reader's isn't inundated with a mountain of text.


Secondly, you might want to consider placing your conversations with the alter ego in italics, something like this:
I was just messing with you, and I didn’t know what was in there either.
It doesn’t matter now.
Yes it does.
Well I can’t do anything about it, can I?

I think this might help the reader feel certain who's speaking.

I think your opening paragrpah was a bit rough. The past tense and passive voice doesn't jump out at the reader. You might consider replacing the 'had's' with a more active verb. And I think it's best not to begin a sentence with the word 'that'.

"Drastic action had to be taken. That closet had caused its last injury. I couldn’t stand not knowing what was in there. It just had to be done" Perhaps: "The situation called for drastic action...." I think its best to use active voice whenever possible and chose your words carefully.

"It had the worst smell out of all of them." I'm not so sure 'out of all of them' is needed. Sometimes simply said is effective: "It had the worst smell."

"When I opened it, I nearly choked. I didn't care that the rat had fallen out." A bit wordy and passive. Perhaps: When I opened it, I nearly choked not caring the rat fell out."

"They weren't a very good brand." This isn't necessarily 'wrong' grammatically, but it sounds kind of wrong when it's read. Just a thought to ponder.
"...like those men in movies, I'd seen did with cigarettes." This needs clarifying. The sentence structure needs a bit of TLC.

He loved to rub it in my face how he had a better life than his older brother. I couldn’t even hold down a girlfriend for very long, let alone a steady income.
The above sentence is a bit wordy and it sounds like you couldn't hold your girlfriend down. *Bigsmile*Perhaps: He loved to rub in my face how much better his life was. He had doubts I could hold down a steady job or stay with a girl longer than the next day." Well something like that, you don't have to like my words.

That’s when you realise that the life you expected is just a dream. Just striking out the offending 'that'. It isn't always necessary to our sentences. *Wink*

Nothing more than a [useless hope] that liv[ing] inside of you for years until it finally dies out and your life and everything in it becom[ing] stale. I'm not sure useless hope is the best way to describe hopelessness? And I omitted a little of the wordiness. But don’t let that get you down. If [worse really does come to worse,] a bit of a cliche you might want to rethink and find something a bit more original?

The next day I was [woken] in the early hours of the afternoon to the sound of my phone ringing. {c:blue] 'woken' isn't the best context of the word to use. I was awakened by the ring of the phone..." And sound of phone ringing is a bit repetitive. It's not always necessary to state the obvious.

Again it wouldn’t move. Then I remembered. Years back, the door had been stuck shut when I had a little incident with a tube of super glue. All the things I had kept stored in there were lost. I have a bit a difficulty believing a door could be shut tightly by super glue. It seems far-fetched to me.
And the last part of the sentence could be more effective written without 'had kept stored.' "Everything I stored in the closet was now lost."

As I mentioned earlier, I did have some questions about Katie. I was unsure if she was his murder victim. Was she in the closet? These are question, the reader should have answered as they reach the end. I think there needs to be some resolution and a little clarification. Just thoughts for you to ponder.

I think you have some clever and witty instances in your story. I think the plot is intriguing but the theme[s] need a bit more developing. There were some unresolved questions but it could just be me.

This is worthy of a determined rewrite. I see its grand potential! It has possibilities and I sense you have worked hard one this. There were many shining examples of fine writing and some needing a little TLC. I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*
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Review of The Natural End  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ryguy, thanks for inviting me into your port and for asking me to read your story.

Wow, I don't think I've ever read anything so oddly wonderful and extraordinary.

This is one of those stories with layers of meanings. This paradox/enigma is so fantastical, it's profound.

It certainly questions our belief systems...it questions our need to 'see,' rather than just believe with 'faith' that it's possible. I thought it was great you captured the sentiments of the government (no comment at this time) the church, it's a moral outrage...and science: conclusively inconclusive *Bigsmile* A little wit weaved throughout your story.

There is an unique POV with this story. The child as an adult tells the account, with input from the narrator here and there and then it seems the end is the 'father's voice.' unusual and yet, effective.

I only have two suggestions. These are observations with the humble intent of giving you a reader's perspective', yet I am just one reader. The formatting is a bit off. Some areas have too many spaces between words which interrupts the flow and pace of the story and there was one area where you probably intended on placing a space between paragraphs but didn't.

And the other is the informal word 'partier.' Actually, I'm not sure partier is a word. It seemed like an intimate get-together filled with long-time friends. Partier seems so 'vague', more like an acquaintance. You might want to find a substitute.

Other wise, I was impressed with the implications of this story. It was enthralling really. Thought-provoking and very contemplative. It was a Controversy topic in some sense. You approached it with reverence. Not like some alien 'matter form' like an ET to be gawked at, but rather to "wonder" at the possibilities.

So well done. An insightful read. Your perception of such an event was believable and engrossing. Thanks for inviting me to read this story.

I hope you found some use in this review.

~write on and peace~ kjo crazy about candy corn*Bigsmile*
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Review of Solomon's Mirror  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello,

Sebastian Tate you've got yourself quite the tale here (no pun intended)

And I like it thus far.*Bigsmile*

Oh by the way, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello.(I already said it once so I'll refrain from saying it twice and writing it three times.)*Laugh*

Wow and Holy Cannoli! This is great! No really. It is. I love the active voice. The demon-cat is witty. The story is unique and I love the undertone of humor mixed with the sharp wit, and the suggestion that the Raksasha is really a demon.

I know nothing of these things so I couldn't say whether it is literal or not, but you presented it in a way that seems possible and I believe that darn cat. *Delight*

What's frightening is he seems a bit charming as cats go. And if he is virago, well those two don't usually mix. Yeow!*Shock*

Well done, however!

I thought your storyline was original and clever. So bravo to Sebastian Tate!

I saw nothing I would suggest to change. On to Chapter two I will go.

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile. *Wink*

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Review of Love Eternal  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey K. R.

I saw your story on the Request a Review Page. Thanks for inviting me in.

You've managed to say a lot in very few words. Already, the readers know what the story line and theme is. So Awesome.

We begin to see the development of characters and interracial/forbidden love is the heart of this story. You've mentioned some conflict and so you've raised interest. Well done.

It seems this might be on the way of becoming a tender and Heart-warming romance story, not so ordinary (Yeah!), some conflict and some heartache.

I love the spirit! *Wink*

I do have a couple of observations if I may? Please know my suggestions are meant to give the author a reader's perspective. I'm only one reader.

slightly under You use slightly twice in the first two sentences of your opening paragraph. A bit repetitive. slightly copper

Their love was forbidden but fate had brought them together in a bond that was impossible to break... forgetting the trouble that surround[ing] their relationship. She had chosen him, a half-bred Indian over the most eligible bachelors from miles around, in the above series of sentences, I struck out the 'passive verb' and the word 'that' Sometimes you can do without the 'had' or replace it with a Moore active verb. And 'that tends to litter your sentences. Sometime we need them, other times, we use them out of habit. And I think it should be half-breed

“Are you certain that you want to go through with this?”

find and official willing to marry a couple that was so looked down upon. I think you mean an official?


I think you have a story with grand potential here. I like the conflict already. It's sad but true, there will be problems in the marriage (not some much between them at first)hopefully they will have the strength and internal fortitude to overcome the ignorance. Sometimes, love isn't enough.

I think you've done a great job of introducing your storyline, conflict and characters. Good luck, and I'd like to read more. *Delight*

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Shell Franch

This is one of those stories with layers of meanings. The storyline/theme/plot is not so easily interpreted. The reader needs to work a bit, think a bit and imagine. And this is part of what makes this short story appealing at least to this avid reader.

There is an air of opacity to this story as if the heat and humidity and the steam of the August nights become part of the story, the words, so much so, they become interlaced and meshed together. It's quite lovely and curious as the same time.

You use language very well...you manipulate each word you of course know what you intended but you want the reader to unravel between the lines so the meaning is conveyed with ambivalence. At least, this is how I interpret, and I could be wrong.

The tone of this short piece is haunting. There is an essence of love but we don't know with whom exactly.
The narrator talks about love and we certainly sense it in the words, the tone and yet, we don't really see it.

Too there is a sensuousness to this story that reminds me of a Tennessee Williams play, like "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" or "The Long Hot Summer." Life just is and it's sultry and seductive and slow, the Southern way. *Wink*

The ambiance of the tug boat and the sensory experiences of the flowers and the cicadas and the August night, were rather breathtaking.

The pace of this was as slow as the Southern way...the words metamorphosized into sentences and paragraphs, slow and easy like.

I think you captured the Southern lilt of the voice as the narrator reveals her innermost thoughts and frustrations. The drawl was effortless, nearly.

I do have a few suggestions if I may? keep in mind, I give these observations humbly with the intent of giving you a readers perspective, yet I am just one reader.

But I suppose when someone who looks that much like Princess Grace saystells you that you did right to fall in love in June, and then goes ‘round the side of the house to fall in love in August, you have to wonder just a little, even if you don’t wonder at the white petals and green pistons in your hand.
I think this is a evocative sentence and yet, its a bit wordy. I took it upon myself to strike out some of the wordiness. Take what you will, if anything, or nothing at all.

You do capitalize on a lot of repetition in your story. Repeats of same words and phrases. usually, I frown against this unless its a poem or prose used as a tool for emphasis. And yet, I find myself appreciating the authors use of it in this story. I can't, somehow, imagine it any different. So obviously, it worked.

I think the author made effective use of language
and the result was this leisurely seductiveness which was aesthetically appealing and provocative.

So, excellent! I hope this review has been useful to you. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss*Leaf2*

Oh and welcome to writing.com I see you are a newbie! Wow, I can't wait to read more. If you need help navigating the site, I'm just an e-mail away. And if you need areivew check out this site. {citem:1300076)
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Review of Bitter love....  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Aria CHECK OUT MY DRAWING!, I saw this story on Request a Review and wanted to "check out your drawing" and see what your idea of 'bitter love'is, So here I am, and hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may have, useful.

First let me say, nice painting: oils, acrylics or charcoal, or something else? I love the surrealism of it...the story within a story and the variations of possible themes.

And your story is dripping in bitterness and want. Your choice words, strike with precision like a dagger through the heart and then tease us with their loveliness. Excellent!

This game of give and take seemed to match the tone and the theme of this odd yet appealing story of unrequited love?

There was this aesthetic essence to this story which was provocative and alluring pulling the reader into the thoughts of this man as he displayed his bitter anger.

I didnt see any errors and I have no suggestions in the area of mechanics so excellent! The only suggestion I could make is, the voice of the narrator could use a little tweaking. His thoughts seem to lean a bit more towards romanticism rather than apathetic. Perhaps a bit more desperation? Just a thought to ponder.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this short, compelling and mysterious story.

I hope this has been useful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi TypeC! I saw your story on the Shameless Plug page so I thought I'd stop by to say hello and leave a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make useful.


What I think you have here TypeC is a tender and heart-warming story. There is a sort of innocence in the underlying tone that's refreshing.

I also like the fact its a contemporary theme because really, all kinds of love exists and so this is a reflection of perhaps two young characters who can relate to its theme.

I think you did an excellent job of making it clear the love in this story is unwavering with no promises of partnership but rather a promise of a genuine love allowing nature to run its course. If a 'union' arises then alright, if not, well the love is still profound, and long-lasting because its based on mutual respect and understanding.

I also like the fact there is no judgement in this, none what so ever, so awesome!

I do have some suggestions if I may. Some observations and thoughts you may or may not want to ponder. keep in mind, these are given humbly with the intent of giving you a reader's perspective, however, I'm just one in many.

"For a summer night on a weekday[,]it was surprisingly calm and relatively quiet. Comma after weekday.

It was a flawless smile that I loved seeing. I took it upon myself to strike out some of your 'that's throughout your story. Some are needed, many are not at can litter a sentence.


He told me that his respect for me hasn’t faltered.

And he lets me know that on a regular basis.

The fact is, even though I rely on him, he relies on me in a way I don’t understand at all. But all I know is that he needs me. again, just taking out a few 'that's in the above sentences and also struck out the 'at all' I think allowing the sentence to end on 'understand' seems a bit more effective.



I know that this is where you usually come to be alone.”

“Hey Jesse … Come closer to me,” He more or less demanded of me. you can safely assume the reader knows its Jesse. so you don't need 'of me'


I’m just a little to[o] cold right now to think’.
I think you meant too?

You were willing to give up what little time we spend together in order to make sure that I was happy and the fact that you were willing to risk it for my sake …

I can’t help but think that I’m the luckiest boy in the world.

Those are just Little editing hiccups which are easily addressed if you choose. I'm not say the 'that's are wrong but I don't think they are always necessary.

The only other observation I have is; even though you said Jesse was a boy, there were times, when I questioned the gender. The voice at times seemed more female than male, and this could be just me, but I thought I'd mention it. For instance:

"I noticed a trace amount of stubble on his chin that made me giggle on the inside. It was cute to see." Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I could be but do teenage boys talk like that? 'giggle and cute? This isn't a judgement, just a curious question. And this voice , didn't seem like Jesse at all. he seems too mild and innocent to talk so harshly. "Sarah even took my seat, that bitch! " Again, just an observation.

I think you have a wonderful story here. One which talks of a genuine love we can all be inspired to aspire to.

I think this is a thought-provoking story contemporary in its theme and valuable in its message. Personally, I think it needs a little attending to but not much. I think this story had grand potential to be perfect.

I hope you find this useful.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*











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Review of Two Hundred Souls  
for entry "Chapter One Intro" 
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi C. Anthony, this is one of your 'pay it forward reviews' for visiting my port. I see this is a series of one story. I'll do my best to read the entire story. This Chapter One, the Intro, was very short. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

Youve managed to say a lot in very few words. I see the beginning of character development and at least one theme and the unfolding of a plot. So great!

You managed to pack quite a bit of information in little space. Your Fiuggi, tough man cop who apparently had a worse than bad experience; it seems to haunt him still and consume much of his day.

It seems he is looking for answers and evidence to 'break the case.'

I think the author did an excellent job in this intro. Just enough information was dangled before us to give a taste and to hook us to continue on to the other chapters. Well done.

You have piqued my interest and I want to know whats eating Fiuggi up. I want to discover what kind of woman Bella is, what makes her love this man.

I do offer one suggestion and that's to consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. it's just easier to read and it looks cleaner and more professional too. *Wink*

Well done! This intro does what it should do: introduces characters, theme, plot, it seems like it will have suspense, romance and action! Excellent. *Delight* What more could a reader ask for?

I'll be reading on after work. It's time to begin my Day.

I hope you found this helpful.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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318
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Aria born and raised on moon, I saw your story on the Request a Review page and wanted to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions I may make, useful.

There is an innocence and a child-like essence that is so appealing in your story. I didn't find it odd that your sixteen year-old has an imaginary friend only sad.

Sad because, its obvious there is something amiss in her life that compels her to tell stories to Jack, the imaginary Teddy Bear.

You told the story poignantly. I pictured her rubbing his back and his short arms and thick paws around her neck. It was endearing and yet wistful.

The tone is one of haunting melancholy.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may. Please keep in mind it just one readers perspective given humbly.

"How weird would it be if my parents where to walk on in here, and see me holding air?" This sentence is a tad unclear. Perhaps you meant: "...if my parents were to walk in here and see me holding air? I don't think this sentence requires the comma? Just a thought to ponder.

"They glided through the flat clouds…and they gave them life.” I get the feeling this sentence would flow smoother if you were to make it one without the ellipsis. They glided through the flat clouds giving them life. Again, just a thought to ponder.

"Real or no," did you mean not here?

In general, I thought this story was poignantly written. I thought it was clever and yet sad. it seems there is a lot more to the story hidden beneath her need for the imaginary Jack. It kinda tugs at your heart strings a bit.

I'm not sure about the addictions of color and bold. That's not an error by any means, just styling choices.

Anyway, I think there are some profound themes in this story. You are saying a lot without really saying it. I thought it was compelling

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for letting me stay for a while.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey The Game, saw this poem (item:1332778}
on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may have useful.

Wow, I haven't read Yeats since college. That style of poetry takes me way back when I studied such great and classic poets.

 I think this poem is a wonderful tribute to the style of Yeats. I love the subdued romanticism of this poem and the air of virtuoso.

The rhythm of your words were appealing creating a nice cadence. Though there was no particular rhyme in this poem there was rhythm arising out of the movement and flow of your deft words.

I loved the intelligent and thought-provoking theme in this poem. It was grandiloquent and yet welcoming.

Sometimes, a poem can be so sophisticated the theme goes right over the top of the readers head...at least mine anyways. And yet I thought this was pragmatic and pleasing.

I saw no errors or grammar mishaps and I have no suggestions that could possible make any improvements.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile and for taking me back to my college days *Bigsmile*

I hope you found this helpful.

~poem on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Review of A Ride of Thanks  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Rayne, I saw this short story "A Ride of Thanks"  of yours on the Request a Review page enticing readers to review so I thought I'd glide in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may make, useful.

Well Jordana certainly isn't your average woman and I think its wonderful you developed an out-of-the-norm character who is obviously strong and self-assured. A risk taker but not on the road. And it seems she is gorgeous as well as spicy!

This is a nice story of a chance meeting that could possibly turn into a relationship. It was an unusual meeting, and there again, I think its fantastic, you seem to have a flair for the unusual but you make it seem so normal. This was original and inventive.

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Keep in mind these are just observations given humbly with the intent of sharing a readers perspective, however, I'm just one reader.

One thing I noticed throughout your story is you tell rather than show. So, as a reader I didn't really experience what Jordana was experiencing. You tell of the Autumn colors, but some descriptions would be nice so we can see them.

You write of the peaceful countryside but what makes it so peaceful? rolling hillsides, lush trees? Again, some imagery is needed.

I think you have the beginnings of good character study. After all, this is a short story but I did have a few questions about Jordana that weren't answered Why was she so harsh on her little brother? it seemed like harmless fun. Just boys rabble rouser and bragging. Where did she come home from? Just little tidbits that would help us connect to Jordana.


I did spot one little sentence that seems to be a little unclear:
"A few minutes of driving in the opposite direction [pass] and she made her way to the side of the road still very angry. You tell us Jordana is angry but how does she display her anger?

And also, some of your spacing is a little off and so it interrupts the flow of the sotry as I read.

This is a very good story with some wonderful elements of effective story writing. I like Jordanas character. I like that she is formidable character who is also soft and womanly.

I think you did a superb job with creating the storyline and themes of these story. Fantastic! But I think the author is standing back a bit. Not giving us the full potential of this story and this character; Jordana doesn't fully developed, yet, just one-dimensional is some aspects. I feel like the author isn't fully committed to this story in some areas.

I think this story has huge potential. There are so many effective elements in this story that really engaged me and pulled me into this chance meeting. It's just lacking a little emotion, a little description.

I love the way you approach a contemporary theme and make it your own with creative zest and exuberance. You have a wonderful flair for the unique. I suggest adding some imagery and descriptions to make your words come alive with sights, sounds and smells. Give the reader the sensory aspect of this ride. What sounds does a Harley make? Well, I think you get my point. This is a gem...a diamond that needs a little buffing so make it shine even more brilliantly.


I hope this review has been helpful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Meg, thought I'd pop in for a hello and to read your "HALLOWEEN DREAMING"  poem. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may make, useful.

Hey, first let me congratulate you on becoming yellow! That's Cool!*Cool* Well actually I mean, that's hot *Wink*

Hey this was a rhythmic little diddy of a poem. I got right into as the words unfolded across the page. It had a real catchy cadence to it that brought a smile to my face.

I thought the flow and pace were right on, nicely balanced with the meter...in perfect harmony.
I thought all your stanzas were appealing but this one was my favorite. I can relate to it...this is what I do come Halloween (a-hiding, Yeow!)

"I dreamed about some ghosts last night,
Headless horsemen riding.
Screaming banshees and crones on brooms
Sending me a-hiding *Bigsmile*

You told a great story offering the reader believable and delightful/frightful images of Halloween and the morning after in poem format. Well done.

I saw nothing I would suggest changing.

I hope this has been useful

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi W.D. Wilcox© ¿ F , saw this story "More Than Life Itself"  and thought I'd stop in to see what was "more than life" and to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may have, useful.

what struck me about the dialog exchange between two dead spirits was the layer of meanings. It was subtle and yet bold as the sun is warm.

The revelation of one dying of natural causes and the other hurrying death along was as poignant as it was profound. Though it is a mere few words, the message is immense.

To announce with such strategic clarity the meaning behind the dark versus light was masterful. Despite the gravity of the grief that caused one to take such drastic matters, the punishment is eternal. yeow! Not the kind of eternal I care to greet.

Your dialog was really a telling of a story of life partners who had a child and the wife died tragically at a vibrant age. The husband was distraught and in spite of the child he was left to care for he killed himself from the grief of losing his mate. The reality of that action left him in darkness, left him alone as his mate seeks the light. Subtle and yet ingenious.

There were parts of your dialogue that was endearing in an odd way...the worm...Yeow. But never-the-less still engaging. This was a dialogue exchange that really told a story without persuasion or coercion with an immeasurable message. This was brilliant.

Of course, I could be reading too much in to your story, but its what I thought of as your story unfolded. *Delight*

I have absolutely no suggestions or observations for change.

I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*





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Review of Black Memories  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Lithium Black, I saw this story with the intriguing title: "Invalid Item"  So I thought I should pop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may have,useful.

I don't suspect I'll sleep well tonight. Goodness gracious what a horrific and frightening story. But, that of course, was your intent to scare and shock so Bravo!

This was a dark and foreboding story filled with gore and horrific killing as if it was just second nature.

This world you've created is quite prolific and dangerous and intriguing. Oh My! *Shock*

Excellent character development of Lithium. Nice job of introducing us to Astria and Mara. The beast is beyond imagination. You described him so well, i don't want to imagine him. the image of him on the prowl literally sends cold shivers down my spine. Yeow!

I think this was well written. You certainly engaged this reader and kept me affixed to your words and the story. In the beginning, I was bothered by all the 'that's but you soon eased into a pattern and flow which moved the story at a nice pace without much interruption. Just a minor typo in the following sentence
"clutching my around the throat and dragging me from the driver's seat.

"serveying" and a misspelled word. This should be surveying?

Other wise this dark lord of yours who is on a quest to find his son is quite the formidable character. the creature is beyond sinister, beyond sin. Yeow. Just to think of him creeps me out. I'm not too keen on stories of this caliber, but you mesmerized me with this dark world of dark creatures.

I find that rather ironic! I'm curious as to what happens next yet, can't promise you I can stand to read anymore, really Wild Kingdom scares me! *Laugh* *Bigsmile*

This means you did your job as an master storyteller. Your words were like daggers steadily drawing me in...your descriptions bringing about images near life like.

I hope you found this useful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Review of Progression  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi hbar, comma challenged, I saw this story
"Progression"  on the Shamless Plu Page and thought I crash in to say hello and leave a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may make, useful.

Hoy Cow and Wow! This story was great! Your craftily chosen words and deft descriptions lulled me right in to this story of one young man's love of surfing. *Delight*

Wonderful perfect flow and pace. I was right with that young man as he paddled out to ride the swells. I felt his excitement...the sheer delight of his thrill. *Wink*

Excellent!

I did spot a few mistakes...if there were comma mistakes I didn't notice them because the story was so thrilling! Yet I did notice a couple other small snags if I may mention them?


"It didn’t really need it, he had waxed it at home and roughed up the wax on the deck, his footing would be secure. " Okay, I lied...these are comma errors: *Bigsmile* These are runon sentences that can stand alone. Replace each comma with a semi colon or preferably a period. *Wink*

"...a lull in the shore break.[two words] At the first sign of a lull.." I love the word 'lull' its a pleasing word. I use it myself whenever I can *Bigsmile* But perhaps twice so close together makes it a bit repetitive.

These are small and so easily fixed. Perhaps there are other comma snags but I read right past them because I couldn't wait to get to the next sentence!

I don't like surfing, but your story made it real for me. As I said the descriptions of the 'action of surfing and riding the waves were Stellar: "He shifted his weight slightly to his right foot, picking up the speed needed to get in front of the pitching lip. He shot forward as the lip collapsed behind him. The grey sparkled in the absence of direct sunlight as he floated over the soft shoulder.

He collapsed on his board, shaking from the adrenalin coursing through his body. His mind numb with the speed and energy surrounding him. It was staggering. Each pore felt the water, every nerve ending was alive. His numb mind experienced clarity unknown to him. He sat and took it in. Another surfer paddled by him, they looked at each other but neither spoke.

Fantastic! Thanks for telling this story of one young man's quest to becoming a man through the art of surfing. Masterfully written! *Bigsmile*

five stars *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* 's
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Review of The First Year  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi And Stuff, you posted your story"The First Year" on the Yellow Power Review Forum to be reviewed so here's your review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may make, useful.

Oh my goodness girl..talk about some energy! Holy cow! Your sentences move as fast as the activities in your story! I need to wipe my brow, have some sit down take a breath. Whew! *Bigsmile**Laugh*

I must say the energy is energizing...kind of contagious. I really like the active voice too. *Wink*

I think you off to a great start but its not a race, the end will still be their when you get to it.*Delight* May I suggest slowing the pace down a bit?


Also, There are a lot of details in this story. I think you could delete some of them. It's not necessary to mention every action, every thought, every
detail. For instance: "Wednesday came. Grace got through her classes. At 9 pm she went to Praise. Then she went outside and waited for Kyle. He showed up not to long afterwards. They started walking. They had a normal conversation. They went farther off campus then Grace had ever been before on a walk. This was the first walk she had taken in a very long time with Kyle whereby she did not feel like moving ten feet away from him every time he got within two. Finally!

Wow! It's ok to let the reader assume some of the work. Not every detail is necessary to the storyline or to character development. Ask yourself: How important is this information to my story?

Also, read that paragraph out loud. The pace is too fast. You can slow it down some by varying your sentences. They are very short or very long, nothing in between. There should be variety in sentence length. You have control of the pace and flow of your story. I suggest slowing this down so we can savor the words.

I think you meant 'too' instead of to.

"As she was working on the definitions of the key words from the reading portion of her text the answer to the one question she hadn't been able to give to Jack popped in her head" This sentence is a bit unclear. It needs a little TLC *Wink*/ Perhaps some commas to control the pacing. Also, this is an example of a long sentence.


He showed up not to[o] long afterwards.'too'

"Then the whoever didn't already do the introducing can. We'll be switching back and forth so the focus won't be on one person to long." The first sentence is unclear. and I think you mean 'too'?

"They both sat down very relieved that the speech was over and that[happy or excited] they did well." Its best to make every word count. I struck out the 'that' and replaced it with a more descriptive word.

"Grace and Kyle finally came some closure after talking and e-mailing." Here you are missing the 'to' before 'some'


I think you have a good beginning here. I'd like to think of this story as a diamond in the rough. It just needs a little polishing so it can shine even more brightly.

Slow the pace down, watch your word usage, Omit some of the detail and vary your sentences and you will have a first rate story. *Bigsmile*

Please know this review was given humbly with the intent to give you the readers perspective. However, I'm just one reader.

I hope this has been helpful.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

Thanks for posting a request on the Yellow Power Review Forum :


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