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Review of The Proposal  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jake Jake, I saw this story on the request a review page."The Proposal" Thanks for inviting me in for a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions for observations I may have, helpful.

Holy Cow! get that guy a drink or some drugs to clam him down, his mind is working overtime. My Goodness, no wonder he worked himself up in to a tither with all the thinking and encouraging going non-stop in his mind. It just about wore me out too. *Bigsmile*

Toward the end though you did have to pity the fool for having to work up the courage to propose and then have it denied. Ouch! That hurt. *Laugh*

I suppose for some men, it works that way. Maybe woman never thought about how hard it is for men to propose.

I thought this was a realistic experience. It was written in a way the mind would work in a situation as the theme of your story. I thought the short, repetitive sentences were effective in portraying the nervousness and stress of what if she says no?

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may? keep in mind I offer then humbly with the intent of sharing a readers perspective.

as I [nerviously] watched my girlfriend's expression.
nerviously should be nervously

A few seconds more, and I think I['ll] drop dead.
I think your second I should be 'I'll

"She then slowly smiles a fake smile, and slowly shakes her head and begins saying she's not ready for that kind of commiment. I could feel my heart slowly slide down to my stomach, like a sponge on a window, millions of butterflies crashing into eachother, a feeling of rejection" There is quite a bit or repetition in this sentence you might want to reconsider another word for 'slowly' and 'each other' is two words and commitment is missing the t 'commitment'.

You did a lot of fast self-talking in this short, despite this I felt the last last paragrpah was extra rushed. Just a thought to ponder.

Otherwise a short active and alive scene. The on-going pep talk was effective and believable. Yeow! All that mind talking only to be told no. I hope this wasn't based on real experience. *Shock*

Thanks for the few chuckles.

I hope this has been helpful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Because  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
HeyVoxxylady, I saw your story "Because" on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello and to leave a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I make useful. Thanks for inviting me.

I was so sure your ending would reveal Jack as some sort of twisted maniac or serial killer. I was surprised at the outcome.

And relieved too. *Bigsmile*

I thought this was superbly written. I have only one suggestion and it's minor.

"The drawing that evolved told Jack[,] Andrea wasn’t the one." I think this sentence needs a comma after Jack. *Wink* hardly worth mentioning but considering how well written the rest of the story was I thought you'd want to know. *Delight*

What an odd story this was. Not bad odd, just different. Unlike anything I've read before. You can say it is certainly unique and original. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I liked it and the flow and pace were great. It just didn't stir any real emotion in me and perhaps that was intentional.

I was hoping someone would just ask the right question so we could find out what he had in mind. *Laugh* I didn't want it to be torture or murder or some whacked out role playing but I was getting impatient.

I wanted to ask, Jack will anyone ask the right question? Your protagonist is a little on the quirky side. This is not necessarily a bad thing...But, I can say, I've never met anyone who decided if a girl is right by the question she asks and whether the chair he sits in while drawing her picture well finally be the right one. Yeow. Now that is some kind of study.
{:laugh}

On the other hand, I found it to be endearing and sweet. An overall, well told story. perhaps he is just a super nice guy that has a different way of finding the right girl. *Shock*

The quirkiness is what makes this story engaging. I liked it though it didn't rock me to my soul. Excellent writing skills, you have a flair for the unusual and for unfolding the theme gently but steadily until you reveal the prize.

Well done.

I hope you found this helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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328
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Mathguy, I saw this story of yours"Mr. Moon, Shine on Me" on the request a review page and thought I'd stop by and say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may make,useful.

Yeow! it sure is a full moon and someone is getting ready for a howling good night. *Bigsmile*

Goodness...I hate basements for this very reason, they all have creepy things trotting about, dark crevices and lurking shadows. Oh my! *Laugh*

Well this was a strange but wonderful story. At first I thought the evil parents were chaining the kid in the basement because they were off their rocker...but as the story unfolded, I realized the boy wasn't normal. Yeow, I get creeped out by werewolves.

I thought you did a good job on this story. It held my interest from beginning to end. I thought you displayed the theme nicely, revealing it bit by bit. so good job. With a unsuspecting twist. *Shock*

I do have a couple of suggestions. The first is the flow was a bit choppy. You might want to vary the length of your sentences and try to cut back on the use of 'I' For me, the "I thinks" and the "I cans" and the "I can'ts" were a bit difficult to get past.


And the last paragraph needs a little reworking. You might want to rethink the "I forgotted" I realize it was after the 'change' but it weakens your sentence a little and you want to leave the story with a punch something for the reader to ponder and wonder or be shocked about.

My suggestions are given humbly from a readers perspective but I'm only one reader.

I think you have a good story here. it needs a little attention. I would especially consider cutting back on the use of "I" and varying your sentences a bit more to help the flow. These are easily addressed if you choose.

You're on the right track. There were some nice elements of storytelling here. Just needs a little tweaking.

I hope this has been helpful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Date Night  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi SeanE, I caught your story "Date Night" 
after you reloaded from a edit and thought, Aaah, perfect time for a review. *Wink* I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I make useful.

What a concept...date night? holy cow! I think you're right...this was devised by a nationally wide but virtually unknown babysitting ring! haha! *Laugh*

Hey~! I thought this was pretty funny.

It was certainly light-hearted with an air of wit and charm. *Delight*

I think you should get an award for at least trying...I agree, it isn't as easy as it sounds and chances are, a date night could had adverse reactions....it could go terribly wrong...what if you both wondered why you married anyhow/ holy cow what a mess that would be.*Bigsmile**Laugh*

I got more than a few chuckles and I think this is clever.

I do think it could be even better however. May I make some suggestions? Please know these are given humbly with the intent of providing you with a readers perspective, just remember, I am only one reader.

First, I think you'd get a lot more reviews if you'd clean up your formatting. try placing spaces between your paragraphs. it looks cleaner and finished and more professional. Plus it's easier on the readers eyes. *Laugh*

Second: "Practically, however, it is difficult to coordinate, which is the main reason we cannot locate anyone who has successfully completed the program." I get the sense of your meaning here. but the 'practically' in this context isn't working. Perhaps: In a practical sense, it's difficult...."

"The babysitter needs to be available once a week for the assignment and be mature enough to handle your children and smart enough to tell you that your children were good when you were gone even though you are pretty sure that you did not own a dog when you left that evening yet there is a golden retriever sleeping in one of the kid’s beds." I would consider breaking this sentence up, it's pretty long, and I struck out the 'that' it tends to litter our sentences. Sometime we can't avoid it. Most the time, we can.

"She accepts and inquires if we have any relatives that may need[ing] baby sitting services.

Those are just minor and easily addressed if you choose.

I enjoyed this. This has a delight to read. i think you have a nice comedic flair in your writing. *Laugh* Wow, $60.00 for under ten minutes. Sold! When's your next date night? I don't have a father for you to worry about. *Bigsmile*

~thanks for letting me stay awhile.

I hope you found this useful.

~writ on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
secret within myself, I saw your story "Perfect Blue Buildings" on the request a review page and thought I'd stop by to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may make, helpful.

There is such a pleasing and welcoming appeal to this short story, like a breath of fresh Spring air or the sun cascading through early morning fog. Its just soothing and calming.

The tone is aesthetically tranquil and I thought some of your descriptions were lovely: "She could have been a saint, or an angel, from the corona of dusty air hanging around her like a second layer of clothing.
beautiful!

"the drips from last night’s rain seeping through the roof and falling down the many tiers like a fountain made of silver string. The only sounds were a faint drip, drip, drip in the corners and the wind like drowsy breaths through the walls." Just brings to mind a gorgeous image. well done!

"The light wafted in and out of her eyes, by turns sharp and soft, almost relaxing in its rhythm. She was aware of the walls reaching up around her, all of its lines and cracks and crumbles moving towards something without knowing what." Wonderful! *Delight*

I do have a few suggestions if I may. I noticed you use passive/past tense a lot and relied on the word 'that' a bit much. Whenever possible its best to use active voice and present tense. of course, this isn't always possible, but you could exchange a a few hads with more useful, descriptive verbs. For instance:

She passed what had once been the edges of rooms, soaking in the sense of what they had once been. Perhaps: She passed what was once the edge of rooms, she soaked in its essence of days long past. Well, something to that effect...using more colorful verbs help to bring your sentences alive.

"They fell back into place and suddenly she could see it all clearly, every detail all the way up to the ceiling: the crumbling concrete that in some paces still hung around the re-bar,..."

"the hanging dust in the air that seemed as solid as what was left of the walls and the way the light fell through it in rays, the drips from last night’s rain seeping through the roof and falling down the many tiers like a fountain made of silver string." This continuation of the above sentence seems unfinished to me. Like its missing something. And it is a bit long.

Then she realized her toes were pointing down and that the first tier of re-bar was almost eye level. {eyelevel is two words}

"As if every care and thought that had been weighing her down had fallen away."

"A fallen patch of wallpaper caught fluttering in the metal and disintegrating concrete here, a broken and empty picture frame hanging crookedly from the wall there." This is an unfinished sentence...missing the verb. Perhaps 'was caught"

"The light falling into the building seemed so bright that she could almost see shadows of the bones beneath her skin.

"The light was brighter there, and the further she rose[,] the clearer it became that this was because the middle of the ceiling was gone, crumbling around the edges of piercingly empty space and framed by dark patches of dripping rainwater.

"Below her she could see the outside of the building[;] and it was a color she['d] had never noticed before – a deep, perfect blue.


I think you have a wonderfully appealing and soothing experience here. I like how calm it made me feel as I read it. There was this metaphysical/spiritual feel to this story and it was filled with some gorgeous imagery.

I think it needs a bit more work to really make it shine. This is definitely worthy of a determined rewrite...just a little tweaking here and there. This is a diamond just waiting for a little buffing *Wink*

Keep in mind these suggestions are given humbly with the intent to give you the readers perspective. I am only one reader however.

i hope this has been useful to you.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

































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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Kristen this is a pay it forward review. I choose this item "Swimming through a Sandy Sea" . Not because it has a ribbon but because it's something different and its real *Delight*

I love a good nature story. And what makes this one so appealing is it's about the hatchling life of a turtle and was an experience all readers can enjoy.


This item was well written, interesting and insightful. The plight of those little hatch lings getting turned around...Oh My what a thought. I suspect their adventure is just beginning. You made the 'birthing' so engaging with your way with words.You descriptions were so vivid and lovely.

This was a delightful little piece. I was cheering you on as you assisted them on their way to the seashore. And talking to them and warning them of all their ensuing dangers how endearing.

Anyway...I enjoyed this little piece of nature and the wonderful way in which it was written. No mater how old or how knowledgebale you think you are...their is always more to learn. Thanks for teaching. *Wink*

The only suggestion I have is to watch your use of 'that' It can litter our sentences if used too much. For exmple:

"Now there are so few that. [T]hey are in danger of extinction. I wonder what the sea looked like then. I wonder how the turtles have survived so much change. I wish I knew how to help these 75 survive. In my mind, I know it is unlikely that any of them will, but I choose to close my heart to this; Just a thought to ponder...definitely not wrong just styling preferences.

I hope this has been helpful.

Thanks for letting me stay for awhile and for enlightening me *Laugh*

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Wolfwalker. this is a 'pay it forward' review and I choose this story "Where's The Beach?"  because I love the beach! I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I make useful.

haha! so much for your dream getaway vacation! *Shock*I was almost as shocked as you must of been.!

Holy cow and wow! Talk about about the brochure salesman. I suspect he is as deft at making the mundane look as marvelous as a car salesman is at selling a lemon! Goodness.

Aaah, the agony of defeat and dissatisfaction. *Laugh**Bigsmile* I like how you managed to look on the bright side. *Laugh*even if there wasn't one.

Excellent descriptions. They brought your vision of the beach alive and vivid in my mind's eyes. I savored the smell of sea salt and lobsters drenched in butter. I savored the melody of the waves crashing along the shore...Superb! Wonderfully aesthetic and appealing.

Next go to Florida! You'll never be disappointed. Pensacola along the Gulf...magnificent. Or something a little more craggy? Try cannon beach in Oregon, stunning. And in both places you can be guaranteed stellar seafood! yumyum.

Great little story that should of taken you away to peace and delight on the beach but insted you were inudated with the smells and ills and colors of daunting human life and excess. holy cow! Thanks for sharing your experience. Your writing made it lovely.

I saw nothing I would suggest to change.

I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Review of Just Like Him  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ryguy thanks for asking me to read and review this story"Just Like Him" ! I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I make useful.

Something funky is going on in Seattle! But I love that town...its almost my hometown...*Bigsmile*

HolyCow! Ryguy, this was super! You write with such confidence and articulation! I love the descriptions. You wield a heavy hand with descriptions that bring our imagery alive and vivid. Not overdone mind you...a nice balance. Well done.! The downtown Boston row-houses groaned and yawned against each other while the homeless congregated around seldom emptied trash cans. Dank and corroded ivy sat heavy on the buildings. " Wonderful! *Delight*

I thought your dialogue was good and believable sprinkled with a bit of wit! Nice!

I do have a couple of minor observations if I may:

"he slid his right hand along a side railing that left[leaving] flecks of black paint rubbed onto [on] his skin. strike out the 'that left' and make it more active with 'leaving flecks'and I wasn't sure if 'rubbed' worked well so I struck it out...I think its safe to assume it left its marks on John.


"Standing on the doorstep, he began slapping his doughy hands together, and the speckles fell to a ground ready for the creeping snowstorm" 'and the speckles fell to a? perhaps fell to the ground? And I think the 'creeping snowstorm is nice...but it creates two theme in one sentence...perhaps make it an observation in a sentence on its own? Just a thought to ponder.

I thought it was quite humorous when John and Matthew realized they looked alike. I especially liked it when the looked in the mirror at their reflection. That was handled well and it made me chuckle.

You have a flair for weaving in the unexpected. When the two went off to cruise the pubs...I didn't expect the ending. And you threw a bit of a shocking twist in. *Shock* Excellent.

I think this was a entertaining, unusually wonderful story with a bit of wit, engaging with a unexpected twist at the end. Superb!

I enjoyed it immensely.
I hope you found this helpful.

Thanks for inviting me in to your port.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey COWser Soze, congratulations on being featured in this weeks newsletter. Just thought I'd stop in for a hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging.

Holy Cow and wow! what a story! *Shock* A talking cow that has a writing.com account and knows how to use the computer as long as its 'animal friendly' Yeow! *Delight* This was delightful

What a sight to see...Hooves tappin away oblivious to the surroundings so the library closes and eventually eats the story.

Okay...this is pretty original clever and inventive. I guess you like cows? *Bigsmile*

Thanks for sharing this lighter side of the day in the life of a not-so-ordinary moo-cow. *Laugh*

I saw nothing I would suggest changing.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Review of Hidden Knowledge  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
~ Hey Rune~Harvests Words~A1 Academy, Congratulations on having your story "Hidden Knowledge" highlighted in this weeks action newsletter.

Haha. A Mystery and action! woohoo! *Bigsmile*don't find that too often anymore on writing.com.

One of the first things I noticed Rune, was your word usage...excellent and precise use of language for maximum effect!

I also noticed how the story began in the middle and then your protagonist relayed the days events but ended with a prize and a few clues. Original and clever!

Exciting car chase...goodness nearly 100mph. Holy Moly!he's lucky all he did was a 360. Goodness. And what's up with those mysterious beings...I'm curious to know how they keep avoiding the grave. I think you better consider expanding on this story so I can get some answers to the looming questions...what's with the golden key and i think we need to know more about the Gnomes *Delight* *Wink* So write on!

Good use of prompts...the scar under the moustache. Nice *Laugh* inventive.

I did see a little typo...in the opening paragraph, seems to be missing a letter or two...the sentence is below.

"... waterfall of rain dampened soil and debris [o] the once-grand edifice onto his battered body in...} in the brackets, there seems to be a letter or two missing?

Max is such and ordinary guy...just your average guy who seemed to get thrust in the midst of suspense and mystery. Aaahh, the power of knowledge and the thirst for more... Nice characterization for such a short story.

I saw nothing I would suggest to change.

~write on and peace~ *Leaf2* kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*





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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
~Hello~ I saw this poem "Across The Universe" and the title was intriguing so I thought I'd stop in for a read and review. Thanks for inviting me in.


I've read a few items of yours before and you never disappoint. If fact, you never cease to amaze me with masterful writing abilities.

I am struck but the power in your words. So deliberate and precise. There is this wielding of aggression in the words you use during the brutal abuse and yet...such hopelessness and weariness and pain when describing the shame she feels after he leaves her.

Your words are like daggers striking with vehemence drawing us into her world of brutality, keeping us in awe and in agony. There was so much angry passion in your poem. So many emotions, the anger, the shame, the inhumanity of it; then the sheer ferocity of the abuse nearly takes ones breath away.

It is beautifully chilling and horrific in its severity.

The poem itself is meteorically precise. As the poem unfolds there is this tone wrought with tempest and a cadence that is ripe with an air of evanescent.

This was a brilliant and intense yet savage look into the world of abuse. It is shameful we must continue to write about something so inherently wrong.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*
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Review of A Pair of Pants  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi dncstevens, I caught this story of yours "A Pair of Pants" on the request a review page and thought I'd pop in and say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations of suggestions I have useful.

Like, Oh My Gawd! talk about someone who managed to capture the voice and the mannerism of a teenager who has an excess amount of energy and doesn't know when to take a deep breath and get some sleep! Whew! My goodness.*Shock*

A round of applause for the adult male author who had me believing I was reading a diary entry of a young girl with a very bubbly attitude and who talks a mile a minute and has no conception of peace and calm.
Excellent! *Bigsmile*

Holy Moly! it seems she has been a very bad girl but you made it seem so natural and all-in-a-day not at like she was doing something wrong, all she wanted was a 'pair' of pants. *Laugh* Why do they call it a pair when it is only one that happens to have two legs? Arrgh, Arrgh. *Bigsmile* That gave me a chuckle or two.

I think the author did a superb job of capturing the characterization of someone who might be suffering with 'rapid cycle bipolar syndrome.' I know next to nothing about it but you made a believer out of me. Great job of keeping that hidden until the very end.

I thoughts some of the thoughts and ideas of the protagonist was a bit scrambled, jumping around here and there. But still, it didn't raise any red flags because I knew at least two class mates who 'ran-at-the-mouth as they were labeled by the teachers and didn't know when to stop talking. *Bigsmile*

This means, the author was effective in telling this story of a young girl who appears to be a 'normal' teenager who happens to have a lot of energy who does everything really, really fast, but who is rather, suffering from disorder. Wow. Good job.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions.

The flow and pace were equally matched to the words and to the mechanics of your writing. *Wink*

I even enjoyed this fast-paced rambling or words and thoughts, drawing me in and giving me a chuckle or two and then surprising me at the end. *Delight*

I hope this has been useful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

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Review of Running from Dawn  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi nicky g, I saw this story of yours"Running from Dawn" on the request a review page and thought I'd click in to say what your 'frustration' was about.*Bigsmile* I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I make, useful.

Hey Nicky, I think you're on to something so far. There is this aesthetic quality to this story...a subdued passion and air of hopelessness in your character Stella. She is the very essence of a woman who is troubled living a troubled life. She wants out...but doesn't know the way.

I love some of your word choices and the descriptions were effective bringing your character and setting alive in my my mind's eyes. So, you have the beginnings of a compelling story here so don't you worry so much. There were a few problems but nothing major! *Delight* May I offer some suggestions?

You had a great opening. Nice action with the character. Your words very suggestive almost seductive. What I would suggest here is to remove some of the 'that's and make it more active rather than passive.

"She swayed her hips rhythmically to the bouncing beat that only she heard inside her head. Each motion was a declaration of freedom; each movement driven by the insanity that had resid[ing] over her days. Back and forth she went, hips teasing the inside of her dress with each sway[,no comma] as she made small talk.

"Stella. Strangers had always complimented her on the beauty of the name, but she never found comfort in it. Just short of stellar, she would think, and perfectly fitting for her life." This is a great! It tells the reader so much in very little words!

"Stella was slim but strong, a build well suited for the demands of hunting and gathering, but she was hollow tonight. The substance on the table, appearing as innocent as a misplaced pile of snow, was responsible. She felt runway beautiful anyway, and dangerous, like a tiger loosed in the city. One more line, she told herself, and she would call it a night.
Again a wonderfully descriptive paragraph, very telling and very capricious in its essence. Well done!

"The night had grown old before her, and it was here that she found herself during its most tired hours. In a small apartment, in a tight living room[,no comma] with a man who was barely eight hours short of being a stranger. It was not the glamorous night that she['d] had envisioned earlier, strutting out the door with[a] friend in hand, but there was nowhere else to go. Just a few minor changes. self-explanatory. *Wink*

"The time reminded her of all the calls that she could not make from the lifeless cell phone that was buried in her bag. Even if it weren’t such a late hour, the battery in her phone had died anyway." That tends to just litter our sentences and hold them back...That is necessary sometimes, but most of the time our sentences can do without.

At the time, Stella was even glad that she hadn’t dragged along the charger;[she] was glad that whatever texts her phone guarded were muted indefinitely with its death. It was a blessing.
I think his particular paragraph is a bit too long. I think you should consider breaking it up or editing some of the words to shorten. "Three weeks had passed since they had parted ways, and it had been full to the brim with contemplation over whether or not the relationship was worth saving.

I think the last sentence is a bit wordy. Perhaps: and the question remains, was the relationship worth saving? Something similar.

She felt runway beautiful anyway, and dangerous, like a tiger [loosed] in the city. I think loosed needs to be loose?

The ending was beautifully profound and poignant. I loved the way you told Stella's story amiss the thunder and the fear of a young frightened girl. Excellent descriptions, details and imagery.

There is a haunting passion in this story. A sad and quiet desperation in Stella. I think this is on its way to being "stellar" *Bigsmile* and and masterful.

I hope Stella gets her groove back *Bigsmile*

I hope this has been helpful. Thanks for letting me say awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss*Leaf2*
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Maria Mize, I saw this story on the request a review page and thought I'd click in to say hello and to leave a review for you story "THE DAY OF RECKONING" . I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may make useful.

I think there are a lot of positives to this story Maria. First, you had a strong opening and a equally strong ending. But everything in between was confusion for me as a reader. I say this because, you started with one thought or idea and then threw in a hammer and then moved on...sending up a bevy of red flags. For instance: "Bobby Rae was a curvaceous teenager and I couldn’t trust him around her when he was drunk or drinking and I was at work."

Holy cow! what a red flag that was. You just wrote you hired a lawyer and filed for divorce and then threw in the above statement. It made me think...if you couldn't trust him around his own daughter...

You did this a few times... I have confronted teachers… I was doing jumping jacks one day when Bobby Rae was in high school and she acted like she didn’t know how to do jumping jacks. So, I showed her, and she fumbled around. I was appalled that the school didn’t teach her to do jumping jacks." I just wonder about the importance of this information. How pertinent is it to the story? She started giggling and then I knew she was stringing me along. Now her son, Tommy,"

Bobby Rae goes from a giggling grade school to having a son named Tommy in less than two sentences. It just makes the reader question and wonder.


"I guess I had been living with my head in the sand." *Shock* I love that because its so true!

I think there are some strong and solid elements of writing in this short story. You had a wonderful beginning and a strong and profound ending. I think middle was scattered a bit with too many themes and not enough focus. But that is easily remedied if you choose.

I love the active strong voice and the emotion in this story. it is obvious she is your pride and joy as are your grandsons.

I admire your strength as a mother. It isn't easy to battle the odds but You did it and everyone came through in one piece though it wasn't easy. And it seems your relationship was strengthened. So excellent.

I would also suggest changing the type of font it seems a bit too informal for such a serious story.

I think this has huge potential. It just needs a little more focus. I hope this has been useful

Thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

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Review of Quiet Desperation  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi mobrienski, Welcome to writing .com I saw this story "Quiet Desperation"  and thought the title sounded intriguing so I popped in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I may have, useful

Well I sense something momentous about to happen as Elias and John's path's cross. Though you didn't disclose this, it was a feeling I gathered.

It has raised my curiosity and piqued my interest.

I thought, what you've offered so far was interesting and inventive. I think you have a flair for building momentum and suspense. I have no idea what's going to happen...but it seems like something big. *Wink*

I do have a few suggestions if I may? Please keep in mind the suggestions are just my opinion given humbly with no other intent but to offer insight from a different perspective...the readers. Take what you will, if any.

One of the first things catching my eye was the use of adverbs. Adverbs don't always add much life and color to our sentences..."He closed his eyes [tightly momentarily] and let out a deep, slow breath. He knew.

perhaps if you rewrote this sentence without the adverbs, if would be more active and effective. He closed his eyes tight, for just a moment then let out a deep, slow breath." Do you see a difference?

I would consider keeping your adverb use to a minimum:
all the "slowly, sweetly, tiredly, slightly, and boldys ' might be more effective in a sentence rewritten to reflect an verb or adjective. Just a thought to ponder.

I also notice you use the word 'that' a lot. "that' is a useful word...its needed sometimes in our sentences. Most of the time it just litters. I took the liberty of copying some excerpts from your story and struck out the word 'that.' See what you think. But, he had always said that accounting was only as exciting as you made it. Well, Elias had determined that he was going to make it exciting today.

The owner of the dump had promised him that he would take care of it.

on the battered mat at the base of the iron treads that lead[ing] up to the trailer's door.


In the following paragraph I added a few commas.

No title. No description. No[,] here parks the man that has made us millions. No[,] here is the man that has never called in sick. No[,] here is the man that has trained every person above him. No[,] here is the stepping stone to the top. No love. No thanks.

I think you have the beginnings of a story with huge potential. I think your writing style is strong and you've given the readers enough to hook them and ignite interest. I think with a little polishing this could be stronger and more effective. This is a diamond in the rough which needs a little buffing to make it shine a bit brighter. *Wink*

I hope this has been helpful. If I can help you navigate the sight or if you'd like me to review after your written more, I'm just an e-mail away.

~write on and peace~ kjo in Autumn Bliss *Leaf2*

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Review of London Town  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey The Game, I saw this story"London Town" 
on the 'request a review' page and thought I'd breeze in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestion I might have, useful.

And the moral of this story? Boys will be boys *Bigsmile**Laugh* Yeow!

My goodness, what a story...what an incident. Don't think I'll be ambling down to London Town any time soon. *Shock*

Holy Cow! Grand theft Auto and beating an old man to mere pulp. No more drinks for your buddies not only did you all close the pub for the night but for good.

Funny how something little can get right out of hand. I thought this was story full of grit and provocative.

You did a good job with characterization and telling the events that led to a momentous moment.

I do have a few suggestions if I may? I noticed there was some repetition in your story and a little over use of the word 'that'

In the first paragraph I noticed the phrase "all of sudden' used twice and then suddenly just shortly thereafter. You might consider differe0nt word for sudden? All of a sudden, we enter this clearing
Suddenly everything goes... All of sudden I find my hands bringing Just a bit redundant.

Also I thought the word 'that' was relied on a but much. "That' is useful and often time unavoidable. More times than not, its an oversight which litters our sentences because it comes natural in our conversations.

I took the liberty of copying some of your sentences and striking the word 'that' out. See what you think.

all I know is that it’s hot and cramped. I see that it’s an old man, I ought to explain something that my father told me when I ‘All that I’m saying is,
‘I’m not saying that you can’t ask questions James!’ Women held that[a] glint in their eyes, thata predatory glint that said less than words needed to – yet so much more. Within that melee,


Well, you get my point. And please keep in mind this is just my humble opinion. It's your story, you know how you want to write it.

"...moving down toward[s] us with a heavy" Oh,I don't think toward is ever plural?

I thought the action of the car scene and the fight was, unfortunately, riviting.*Shock* Why is it were are attracted to violence and blood? It's so wrong and yet, I felt myself being pulled in to your story.

It was pulsating with action and life. Most of your word choices were precise and craftily chosen. I thought this was a formidable story with a strong message telling of a time in a young man's life where he learned a hard lesson.

I hope you found this helpful.

Writ on and peace kjo lovin this harvest moon *Leaf2*
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi RisanF, this review is coming your way courtesy of the yellow Power review forum. You posted your story "Different and Cool- Part 1" for a review. i hope you find my comme6tns encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may have, helpful.

I trust it hasn't taken too long to get your review. I apologize if it has.

Wow! I thought this was a excellent story. I loved the 'aspect' of writing a paper on 'free-will' I look forward to reading more to find out what Andy chooses to write his experiment on.

I thought you had excellent characterization of the teacher, Tarah, his friends and of course Andrew!

What I liked about his story is how contemporary it is. Your writing style is for today's young adult and their issues and how it impacts their lives. This was a great read.

I thought it was inventive and unique. Your writing style is active and alive. Such precise word choices.

Even the picture at the bottom of your story is ripe with today's style ...the writing has a flair for the edgy and for the contemporary and can appeal to a diverse group of readers.

Well done.

And I saw absolutely no errors and I have no suggestions. You did a superb job! Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

I hope you found this helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin *Flower3*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi crazy cougar this is a review for your short story"The Courage to Try--and Try Again" . I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may have, helpful.

This small story has a big lesson to be learned. And I think you expressed it effectively. You portrayed Rodney as a caring man who was willing to help but who also allowed his assumptions to tarnish his perceptions of the young man he grew to love.

I found this to be an honest and genuine account of some issues all humans face. And it just proves, assumptions are a huge disservice to our memories and to our perceptions.

I think you've tackled a serious subject that litters and ravages every town across America...from the biggest cities to the smallest of communities. It is, unfortunately, a contemporary affliction.

I do have a few suggestions if I may?
I took the liberty of copying a few excerpts from you story. Some I struck out words I thought weighed your sentences down.

"A few stray flies were buzzing around the room. Since you've established the 'room' no sense in mentioning it again.

"Some of the bolder and more annoyed residents were trying to swat them, hopefully without hitting the person seated next to them." I think this sentence might be more effective just a bit shorter and more active. Perhaps: The bolder residents swatted at the flies in annoyance hoping to avoid smacking the person next to them." Something like that.

"The remaining residents had decided to stay after two of the town's three main manufacturing companies decided to move[ed] overseas" here you used 'decided' twice. Perhaps find another word to replace it with?

And I think you can do without the 'had'too. Just a thought to ponder.

There was one boy named Bobby Chandler that even reminded Rodney of his own son Ryan. Perhaps try a more active voice? I think its safe to assume, the reader knows Booby is a boy in this instance so you could strike out 'there was one boy." Bobby Chandler reminded Rodney of his own son, Ryan.

Bobby's dad had walked out on him and his mom Lisa after the second company in the town closed,

On the way back, Rodney thought about the entire two weeks that he['d] had been waiting

"After the fall semester ended though, it was like Bobby had suddenly vanished." Sometimes, the adverbs and the that's tend to litter our sentences taking away from their significance. Here you might want to consider: After the fall semester, it was like Bobby vanished." Just a bit more direct?

these are all just styling issues, not necessarily mistakes. I only mention them because this is a profound story with a valuable message that needs to be told. I just think it could be strengthened a bit. Just my opinion however. Take what you will if anything, it's ultimately your story.

I found this story to be compelling and insightful. Your message is valid and thought-provoking.

I hope this has been useful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo just groovin *Flower3*
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Review of Mawu and The Tree  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Aalicinew, this is a 'pay it forward' review. I choose this "Mawu and The Tree" because the title appealed to me. Thanks for letting me say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observation I may have, helpful.

Well this is certainly as unusual as it is unique.

Holy moly! What an experience.*Shock* I can't say I've every had a metaphysical/spiritual experience like such as you have.

It was certainly extraordinary or it seemed that way. I'm not much of a science buff...so the first part was a little hard to get into, but once you started releasing energy and became the essence of a tree, I was then able to enjoy your story.

What a concept...to be able to feel as a tree would feel just from the releasing and the exchange of energy. It boggles my mind...but I do believe it.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may?

"The birds as they hop on and off my branches as they add more feathers and grass to soften their nests, I feel the vibrations of their chicks in the nests." The first part of the sentence is a fragment and it seems to me, the later part while complete, doesnt finish the fragmented story...it seems to need something more.

In the following excerpts I copied from your story i would consider striking out some of the 'that's they tend to litter our sentences. While they are useful at times, I think we tend to rely on them to much because 'that' comes so natural when we talk. See what you think, if you can sense a difference.

I know that I am experiencing an awakening of not only my five senses but many more senses that I did not know existed

I actually believe that human beings are not capable of withstanding such a constant stimulation of all senses simultaneously for surely they would burn out from the guilt that they would feel? Imagine that, a constant input


Just some thoughts to ponder...I noticed you relied on the word 'that' pretty heavily.

I really liked the positive energy you put in to writing this experience. It gave such an active and passionate tone to your voice. You made a believer out of me...very persuasive! Awesome!

I hope this has been useful

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of Dave Rollins  
Rated: E | (4.0)
hey mudshovel, I saw this story "Dave Rollins" on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may make, helpful.

I think you have yourself an interesting premise and a creative storyline here. You have built a fair description of the protagonist but I feel his character needs a bit more developing. I was left with some questions which I'll mention later.

I think you have displayed some nice elements of storytelling and I think you have a flair for writing.

I also feel the substance of your story, the actually mechanics of structure, could benefit from a determined rewrite.

There is a lot of wordiness and repetition in your story a repeat of words and thoughts and phrases which really end doing a diserivce to your story rather than making it more effective.

All, the repetition of 'he was a good man, a normal man and repeating his full name was a bit unnerving rather than productive. I think this could be a fantastic story but it is weakened a bit by overuse of some of the same words and thoughts.

I'd like to make a suggestion of scanning for the word 'that' as well. Oftentimes we rely on 'that' because it comes natural in speaking..and sometimes it's a useful word and unavoidable. More times than not it just litters our sentences an weighs them down keeping them from being more active an alive. I copied a couple excerpts from your story. And struck out the 'that' see if you can notice a difference as your read aloud preferably.

Dave Rollins, who used to be a good man. Dave Rollins, who used to be a normal man. Dave Rollins, who used to even be a functioning human being. Dave Rollins, who used to be all these things, was now but a shell of all these things. Somewhere on the path we all know of as life he zigged when he should have zagged. He came to that proverbial fork in the road and decided that both choices looked too dangerous so he strolled completely off the road instead. That was so long ago though[.] that [H]e just couldn’t put his finger on exactly when he['d] had become this vacuous human being. He realized that it was no profound event or great epiphany that sen[ding] him off on his way to this miserable existence. It was something much more subtle that[which]happened over a period of years instead of minutes or days.
H['d] had heard it once said that a frog floating in a pot of water at room temperature could be put over a fire and not even notice the water beginning to boil until it had already passed on into a beautiful oblivion..."

Just some thoughts to ponder. "Dave knew, at least as of yet, that there was no magic pill or scientific breakthrough on the horizon that would make facing death obsolete. He knew that one day death would come to him as it comes to all. His fear was being conscious of the fact that he was about to die.

I think you have this unusual but wonderful story from an author with obvious writing skills and yet, this isn't as polished as it could be. This is a diamond in the rough which could really shine with a little buffing.

I'd also like to suggest placing your dialogue to the left of the page and breaking up the longer paragraphs with spaces.

I think your ending was a but rushed and I was a bit lost. I think it needs a bit more substance and clarifying.

Earlier, I mentioned about the questions I had...Was this neurosis of Dave's caused by his sleepwalking...he fear of dieing was it because he had a premonition? Was this a disease of the mind that was a sleeping giant waiting for a catalyst to make him start charting his hours of sleep to avoid death?

very intriguing and thought-provoking. But I think this needs a bit more work

You are off to a wonderful start. It certainly has piqued my interest! keep writing...this is a great beginning to a story with huge potential!

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile!

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of Treat or Trick?  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Amy away til Wednesday, I saw this story "Treat or Trick?" and thought I'd click in to say boo since it has a Halloweenish title. I hope you find my comments encouraging, and any suggestions or observations I may make, helpful.

Well this is certainly an interesting
and creative twist to a storyline that seems to get used a lot on writing.com. It seems everyone loves to write a vampire story. Well, it is nearly Halloween and there was a full moon just yesterday. yeow! *Bigsmile* Now I'm creep-ed out! *Laugh*

Really though, I thought this was inventive. And not once did you use the title vampire which I thought was pretty cool. You just left the reders to their own devises with your offerings of goblets of rich red liquid. *Wink*

Why is it vampire men always seem to be tall, mysterious, with raven-black hair? Their eyes always have the ability to hypnotize. I don't know anyone like that but if I ever see a tall stranger dressed in a long trench like coat with dark hair tied back...I'm running the other way! *Bigsmile*

I think you had a great opening. A little quirky! But it worked...the bag of freshly baked cookies...how clever!

And recalling the event of being seduced through dreams was creative and delightful.

This was not horror-like or scary, just creepy enough to keep us on the edge of our chairs wondering who was lurking in the shadows of the next Halloween party. Holy Cow!

I thought this was well done. I have only one observations: "I wake to find myself on still on the brocade sofa." one too many 'on'.

Otherwise, well written and charming in a wicked sort of way.

I hope you found this useful

~write on an peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of My Best Buddy  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey gtausif, I saw this story "My Best Buddy" on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello and to leave a review. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any observations or suggestions I may have ,useful.

We can all learn a life lesson from this endearing story.

I loved it! It was written just a way a lesson should be learned. Showing the self-absorbed protagonist full of young-man lies and testosterone *Laugh* and then the accident, after which, he discovers who his true friends are and of course the moral of the story.

I thought this was well written and delightful. The young man and his antics were believable and I thought the characterization was well done in both the young man and the grandfather. Excellent.

Good storyline with valuable message.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions.

This was appealing, passionate and a delight to read. Well done.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Edward Shallow, I saw this story "The Great Understanding"  on the Shameless Plug Page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I might have helpful.

You certainly wield a strong hand with description. I found your details and imagery to be vivid, rich and lovely.

Another aspect of this story I really liked was the overall tone. It is aesthetically pleasing. Soothing and calm like meditation with a million lit candles, or some soft rhythmic music and a glass of wine. *Delight* Anyway...I found the 'tone'of this story to be tranquil.

I think you've captured the essence of your idea of the 'purpose of life' effectively. You presented your theory on a lovely canvas with plenty of breathtaking views and colors...

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may?

I would consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. The continuous text is a bit daunting on the eyes.

"It was all so familiar to him; the feelings were." This seems unfinished to me. Ans you use a semi colon when a period will suffice because the words following the semicolon are really a phrase and not a complete sentence.

He had a great desire to find their mean and significance and, after..." do you mean 'meaning" and significance?

"He had reached the summit of the hill and his eyes fell upon the unexpected greatness that was before him." In this sentence you could strike out the 'that was'. It's just excess.

I think you captured the magnificence of the moment when Henry discovered the true meaning of life and life's greatness effectively. I thought it was overall well written and profound. Too bad all mankind couldn't have a revelation like that...What a world this would be.

I enjoyed your story. Your descriptions are lovely. Your word choices laden with feeling and precise in their intended meaning. This was insightful and impassioned.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found my comments useful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of My Diploma  
Rated: E | (4.0)
)the color of money to celebrate your success *Bigsmile* )Hi Nora, I saw this "The Token System"  on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello and to leave a review. oi hope you find my comments encouraging and any suggestions or observations I make useful.

What an accomplishment! *Wink* Isn't it a grand feeling when we set a goal and complete it.

That's super! *Delight*

I thought this was a good read. It was affirming and active and honest. So well done.

Usually, you can't be good at math and English. I say, you're lucky your good at Writing. This way you can share your experiences and perhaps motivate and inspire others who read the lessons you've learned! *Bigsmile*

I found my voice in school too! I trudged through math as well. I got a tutor to help me. You did it on your own with a word from the wise...so fantastic on you!

I did notice an error or two, if I may?

"The first day I went[,] I had all kinds

"But the teacher explained that all the scores were added up and averaged out. I think its best to strike out the 'that' whenever possible.

"The teacher sayed to stay and work on my math but that I could begin taking my tests." This sentence needs a little clarifying. And 'sayed' is not a word, Is it?

"When I got past basic math and into fractions[,] I began..."

"I know math is not[your] strong point,

These are minor and easily addressed if you choose. I say this was a great affirmation of your determination and motivation. Super.
I was 39 when I went to school. I didn't drop out....but m skills were below average...poor. I didn't graduate college with honors but I maintained a 3.0 I was proud of me. i gained so much self-confidence and a strong voice up on campus. And like you, when i walked and got my degree...wow! that was the highlight of my journey!

hey, this was nice. Good luck...powerful message simply told. As you said: "Now work smarter not harder!" *Bigsmile*

I hope you found this helpful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of The Struggle  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi clmccready, I saw this short story "The Struggle"  on the request a review page and thought I'd stop in to say hello. I hope you find my comment useful and any suggestion or observation I might make helpful.

Wow~ I can't even imagine what your life is like with a three-year-old autistic child. This story of your was powerful and poignant. So endearing and sweet and yet, I sense the daily frustration and the heartache of not knowing what tomorrow will bring, of not being able to embrace your child physically.

I know little to nothing about autism and how physically and metally dibilitating it is. But I sense their is hope and hope is powerful and perhaps...soon Spenser will say those precious words and hug you tight!

I do have a few suggestions, If I may.It's mostly with the word 'that'. I realize sometimes, 'that' is necessary to our sentences, but most the time we can do without. it litters and sentences and undermines its effectiveness when we over use it. I took and excerpt from your story and struck out the word 'that' See if you notice a difference as you read it aloud,

"Sensory issues are another story. It wasn’t until Spencer was two years old that [when] we realized that it was [the] wrinkles in his bed sheets that were causing that kept him from sleeping through the night. Early Intervention made provided him with a weighted blanket holding about 10 pounds of weight in it, and [which] amazingly [helped]Spencer [to] start sleeping through the night, which in turn provid[ing] me with a full night’s sleep for the first time in two years. Sweet heaven, finally a full night’s rest for both of us.

These are just thoughts to ponder. removing some of the 'that's and changing a few words to make your sentences more active. these suggestions were given humbly knowing you are the author and its your story so use them or not.

I think this is a sad and profound story. I sense your hope however and since he is only three, perhaps as he grows he will develop more need for touch. I think you are hesitant and excited about the journey ahead. It sounds like you are a phenomenal woman and mother. Blessing to you and your family.

I'm glad you wrote this story about you and Spenser. Writing can be so very healing. Keep on writing!

thanks for letting me stay awhile

~write on andpeace~ kjo just groovin *Flower3*
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