Hey There
Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
I think you have an effective horror/scary story here. The story came alive when the demonic creature entered Anna's existence. Excellent use of strong word choices, for example ."She shivered, whether from pure terror, or the chill of his exhale, she had no idea. The cold molested her with fortitude, progressing throughout her entire body, from the pits of her stomach, to the tips of her toes. She was jacketed with goose bumps, her legs now violently trembling. Eeewgads Superb examples of effective, descriptive writing.
You constructed your scene very well. Giving us a portrait of this catatonic-like woman, imprisoned in more ways then just a straight jacket. I like how you pulled the beginning and end together with the use of the same phrase. I thought this was effective.
Overall, great use of setting and with characterization. Both these elements of short-story writing were suasive and strong. Your overall writing skills solid and authoritative.
I do have a few comments if I may?
Dry heaves were her desperate attempt to puncture the complete medicated numbness, which was gradually swallowing her whole. Very minor...but I wonder is a comma needed after which? in fact, is which really needed or complete? "Dry heaves were her desperate attempt to puncture the medicated numbness gradually swallowing her whole. Just a thought to consider.
Her eyes are shallow, lifeless pits of nothing. These are some strong words describing the 'catatonic-like' state of Anna...so I just question her ability to see this 'creature with such stark realism...what she sees is so vivid and alive and colorful...though horror-like and chilling . ugh. I'm not criticizing her...just food for thought
The only other two comments I have is...I was a bit bothered by the description of this demonic presence as an 'angel' Now I realize...even Satan was at one time an angel before God cast him out. As you know, the dictionary meaning of angel is:"spiritual being superior to humans in power and intelligence, or an attendant spirit and guardian...and even an angel of death..." which of course the "reaper" is. I just didn't like this "reaper referred to as an "angel" This is personal of course, my emotional reaction. I'm not saying it's wrong...it just didn't work for me.
Did this reaper remove Anna's straight-jacket? Did she just imagine him removing it?Or are we to assume it's still on...constraining her? ...just a note of caution...
And last, I wanted mention the heavy reliance on adverbs. So many for such a short story. They interrupted the flow of the story for me and I felt they were sort of distracting. Some are necessary and even useful...but oft times adding an "ly" on the end of a word doesn't make it more effective or more descriptive. In fact, I think it reflects sort of a laziness in our writing. I think adverbs tell our story more than they show and they don't add much as far as insight into characterization or conflict. Here's some of the adverbs you used: subconsciously, silently, uncomfortably, dubiously, completely, absolutely, surprisingly, violently, astoundingly, wildly, hesitantly, instantly, relentlessly, instantaneously, continuously, piercingly, desperately. Oft times you can just remove the adverb without even changing the meaning of the sentence but if you replace the adverb, even if you use more words...your sentences will be more alive and colorful and add drama and insight. For instance, you wrote: "She closed her eyes hesitantly and focused. Instantly, the blood that flooded around her wasn't’t so terrifying " How about? She fought the need to close her eyes but soon relented. She need rest, to question her mind about the terrifying events she just witnessed. After a few moments of respite, the blood which had flooded around her moments before, was no longer so terrifying. Ok, you may not like my words but I'm sure you get my point.
You have demonstrated some wonderful and terrifying elements of horror story writing. Many of your word choices were stunning in a scary way...and effective.
The heavy reliance on adverbs is holding your story back from being as evocative and engaging as it could be. This has such grand potential.
I do hope this has been useful .
Write on and then write on some more
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