*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kjowill/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
Review Requests: OFF
2,131 Public Reviews Given
2,174 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 4 5 6 -7- 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
151
151
Review of My life in a Nut  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Mark Weisbruch *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your item on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Well Mark, first I'd like to say, I think you are being a little harsh on yourself. You began "your" story saying your were a demon, a horrible kid and a much worse young adult. Honestly, after reading, I thought, well yes, some of your antics were bad, but they weren't on the level of "monstrosity." Ouch, that's a harsh word to describe yourself and your actions. *Shock*

Frankly, your story didn't seem that much different than a lot of young men your age. Boys are mischievous and reckless and most often let their hormones control their every thought and action, usually to a fault. But hey, that's part of growing up. And it seems you finally grew up and took responsibility for your actions. *Wink*

In fact, I thought your way of 'protecting' the girls from being slammed into mud puddles was a bit endearing. Ok, so you ended up in the principals office a lot, but at least you weren't a bully or an abuser in that sense *Bigsmile*

Enough about my thoughts on how you described yourself and on to the issues I had reading your story.

Your story needs focus. You began with a disclaimer and them described your birth and then jumped into your military life and then back to grade school and then onto high school. This leaves the reader a bit breathless because you are trying to write about twenty some years in a few megabytes. The reader needs to savor your experiences in order to appreciate how you overcome conflict, whether its external, internal or both. Slow it down some. Perhaps focus on a couple of instances that helped to shape who you are rather than 'your life in a nutshell'

What I found rather intriguing, more than anything else, is how you had this enduring love for one young girl named Katie and how the impact of your feelings for her threw you in the arms of other girls named 'Katie" Now that's a story!

I'm not sure you need the opening paragrpah. The reader doesn't need to know they are going to read a story about how you came to be through your antics. Just tell your story and keep it simple yet interesting. It's always best to use active strong descriptive words. Make every word count so your meaning is effective and clear.

For the most part, the story was written ok, no huge grammar issues or serious errors in the 'mechanics of writing' However, there was a lot of redundancy and wordiness. So your paragraphs could use some editing. For Instance, take the following senteces:
It’s funny how shallow rooted that promise was. That was the last time I ever talked to Katie Ryan, however, even more than a decade later I have often found myself wondering if she is ok now. I imagine if I ran into her, I wouldn’t even know it. It has been so long, but love remains. "shallow rooted that promise was " isn't necessarily wrong but you are saying a mouthful when "It's funny how shallow promises can be" May be more effective because it's more direct and effective. Also, the phrase beginning with "however, is too wordy and a bit weak. Perhaps: Even a decade later, I find myself wondering if she's ok.

I noticed the same in the following sentence. It's best to keep it simple so your meaning doesn't get lost in a sea of superfluous words.
It always seems to do that. Love, no matter how hard you try to shake it, love clings to you like a tick, sucking the life right out of you, poisoning your system more and more the longer you allow it to fester. Love, it always seems to suck the life right out of you, poisoning your system, festering until it has you in its intoxicating grip. Well, at least for me. Or something like that. But it does add more drama and insight into the character.

Another example of wordiness in the following sentence:
I don’t know what exactly it is about me, but I have always managed to get exactly what I wanted out of people. Maybe it is that I am manipulative
Perhaps: It's easy to bend others to my will. I guess you could call me manipulative. My friend Nick says ...." Just thoughts for you to ponder.

I did see the wordiness throughout your story. Everything I addressed above is easy to address if you choose. *Wink*

Also, you may want to break your paragrpahs up a but more. Some of them a far too long. The mountain of text is a bit overwhelming. The reader needs to pause. And it serves to make your story look more polished and professional.

Mark, you have an interesting anthem here. I like the Katie twist and I found manning-up to the father issue, rather positive. Your ending was, again, a bit harsh. And seems a bit self-destructive.

I think this story is worthy of a determined rewrite. It's a gem just waiting to be polished and refined a bit so it can live up to all it promises to be.

if I could make a final observation? And this is more of a challenge. It may make your story more readable, if you were to change it's perspective from first person narrative to third person. The story can still be about you but changing the point of view will add insight, give more characterization and create a little more drama. Just a suggestion of course.

But, please, do keep on writing and then Write on some more!

I hope you found this useful and that my comments were taken in the spirit of encouragement fore which they were intended.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


152
152
Review of Detachment  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There howunremarkable *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! Thanks for inviting me in to your story. I saw your item listed on the Request a Review page. Your title drew me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

For a present-tense first person narrative, you did a fine job of sharing the story. I think it was just the right length. Too much longer and perhaps the reader would of been desensitized and distracted.

You did a fantastic job of maintaining the somber tone throughout the story. I felt the narrator was truly detached and to a certain degree, even depressed.

I thought the fact the narrator didn't have a name helped to make the 'detachment' more effective and real. It helped the reader to focus on the 'emotional issues' and the mundane-ness of the moment.

I did want to shake the narrator, even a little cold slap, sort of a wake up. I wanted to say speak up. Say something, but then, this would have defeated the point of the story.

It was obvious to me as a reader, the relationship was troubled. So your theme was supported and it was clear.

I saw no errors in the mechanics of writing or with grammar, so well done.

Your story, though a bit depressing, was a 'real' glance in to a troubled relationship. One of the elements I liked the most was using body language, action/reactions and mannerisms to depict 'detachment' rather than just 'telling' the reader. Showing is one of the most useful elements of effective storytelling. *Wink*

I wonder, how would this work in third person? Obviously, it would change the perspective, but would it add more depth and drama? Just a thought to ponder.

Hey, thanks for sharing. Well Done


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




153
153
Review of Writing (A story)  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Gekko *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! Thank you for requesting a review on the Power Review Page. I hope my review of your story is helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is a nice mellow exposition on the process of writing a story without giving the reader a list of all the elements that make up a story. It was refreshing to see the important part nature can play and to realize that the awakening of one self through nature plays a vital part in the conceptualization of the beginning, the middle and the ever-elusive end. There was a wonderful aesthetic quality to this piece. Simple and yet profound.

I like the idea that the 'he' is unisex and 'he' is any one who loves to put pen to paper (or in this technological day, fingertips to keyboards), and anyone who is courageous enough to call themselves a writer or an author.

I thought there was some abruptness with the transition from the second paragraph to the third. It's almost like a forced transition. It might read a bit smoother if you were to allow the last sentence of the second to ease into the first sentence of the third paragraph. You wrote: The wrinkled paper provided just enough room for one more sentence, a single but ultimately imperative sentence.

For the space in the paper was reserved for final sentence in his tale. The “ending” as some might refer to it. Of course, this ending is the most important part of his story and any other for that matter. For the ending is not only a closing to the creations, but an opening to all who have read it. You may want to combine the senteces such as: The wrinkled paper provided just enough room for one more sentence, a single but ultimately imperative sentence reserved for the final thought or 'ending' in this tale. Of course, the ending is ... ."

This is just an observation.

You did a fantastic job with description. Superb! Not too weighted down with details, just enough for the readers to see the walk unfold as 'his' spirit was renewed by nature.

Nice use of repeated words or phrases for pause or for effect. Sometimes this 'tool' can be overused, but I thought, in this case it worked. Also,
Every word was well chosen and used in active voice which helps the events/action/dialogue/characters ect, come alive.

Overall, this was enjoyable. Though it really isn't a traditional story, it does have a theme' and there is a beginning, a middle with an end which, ironically suggests a 'beginning.'

I do hope this has been useful

Write on and then Write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
154
154
Review of My story  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There MarBou *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! Thank you for requesting a Review from the Power Raiders. I saw your story on the list and decided to help you out with a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I can see the beginning of a developing plot and storyline. You have introduced the character and it's great you gave us some background on Ace in the 'prologue' which helps give the reader insight into Ace's motives and mannerisms. You've got a ways to go, but I understand this is only the beginning.

Most important, you have an idea and you are taking this idea and developing it into a action/mystery story and that's fantastic. I did have a few problems reading your story because it is inundated with errors in the mechanics of writing and grammar issues.

Of course these are all easy to address if you choose and as you know, it's part of the process of writing...it just means writing and ...writing...and editing...and rewriting and so forth.

This reads like a first draft to me. Mainly because of the errors which interrupted the flow of the story. I sort of lost focus and interest because the sentences
were simple and passive and because of the wordiness, repetition and misspellings. The flow and pace was sort of like stop and go traffic rather smooth transitions from paragrpah or scene to paragrpah and scene.

You've got a great idea...original and you've described the opening fire scene well though I caution you that not every detail and every move needs to be written. It's ok to let the reader surmise some the action and reactions. There is a huge difference between details and descriptions.

May I offer some observations?

Only on the corner of the street, a light emitted. The first sentence reads a bit awkward. and unfinished. As you draw closer[,] the scent of fire fills your nostrils. also part of controlling the pace and flow of your story is to use punctuation, there is a need for pause (comma) after 'closer"

Lights emitted from those neighboring houses and people's heads appeared from windows; others went outside to see the fire from nearby. This sentence is weighted down with wordiness. Perhaps: As if on cue...lights in every house switched on and silhouettes of human forms appeared in the windows while other residents rushed outside to watch the fire. You may not like my words...but the active stronger words and the action give a little more insight into the scene? In the following sentence, just a little issue with continuity: a siren would be 'faint' if it was in the distance (not distant} A faint siren sound could be heard in the distant, So perhaps: In the distance a siren could be heard...as the fire truck got closer, the siren got louder. Rather then simple short senteces, vary the length, making them more complex.

Some people, astonished by the high flames, backed off, others tried to pour water over it to control it, however with no success.Many who tried to extinguish the flames gave up; they realized that there was no hope for survivors anyway...
In the above senteces, there is just a lot of wordiness and repetition that could be edited and it may make your senteces more effective. Perhaps: Some were frightened by the high flames so they backed off, while others did their best to battle the flames by throwing buckets of water to no avail. It wasn't long before most realized the flames were impossible to extinguish and feared there would be no survivors.


Suddenly a cry could be hear, use a comma after suddenly, and 'hear' needs a 'd' for heard. *Wink*

slammed the front door open. I thought this was a bit odd. Usually, you 'slam' the door shut?

slingered my schoolbag over my shoulder and left the classroom.
I don't really have any friend friend needs to be plural. Also, I don't think 'slingered' is a word? *Wink*

I opened the door which was suspiciously open. This seems a bit obscure to me. perhaps chose a better word to describe the action. "I kicked the door which was partially open


Without waiting for response[,] I went up the stairs and walked towards my uncle's bedroom door and knocked. No one answered, however. I opened the door and I couldn't believe my eyes... My uncle... I moved towards him, not knowing what I was seeing, my uncle in a pool of blood... Finally I succumbed to the truth, my legs couldn't hold me anymore and everything before me turned black... I wondered about the use of ellipses (...) and I thought this paragraph was a good example of action...but it is wordy and could use some editing. " I raced upstairs without regard to my safety. When I got to my uncle's bedroom door I stood and listened, trying to be silently but I was breathing so heavily. I knocked but didn't hear the usual, 'come in' I opened the door with caution then rushed to my uncle's body lying in a pool of blood. Well you get my point. You may not like my words but it's vital to the success of the action to use active strong words. It also helps with the pace and the flow and action helps to move the plot along.

I stuttered. Lenne was about to say something when one of the two men, whom I totally forgot that they were there, interrupted her. I think you could say this in less words more effectively I stuttered then Lenne who was about to say something, was interrupted by one of the two men who were investigating the crime scene.


I advice you the same and to just give us your valuables." advice should be advise.


I think you're off to a decent start here. There are a few issues which are easy to edit and address. You do have some nice elements of story telling, but the errors make it difficult to read and to keep the reader interested. This shows grant potential and promise, it just needs some polishing and refining.

I do hope this has been useful. And I do hope this review is taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
155
155
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There hhmsdude *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I can see the horror and the humor in these two events. Nothing like embarrassing moments and then having to relive them over and over again because family and friends love to remind us or we beat our selves up with regret and shame. Goodness.

Boys will be boys. I swear young boys-to-men are so competitive they loose sight of the repercussions of some of their decisions. Geez, girls would think of doing such things!

I think you have a fun little story here. Readers love to find pleasure in other peoples misery *Wink* haha.

However, you story isn't without a few issues that made it difficult to read without having to pause or be interrupted due to grammar issues. These are all easy fixes if you choose.

Some of the observations include, wrong words choices, wordiness, repetition and misspellings.

May I make some suggestions?

In the following opening paragraph you wrote: Testosterone, my worst enemy. As I’m sure it has done with many men, it has lead me to some pretty bad situations. Today I will tell you about two of the more disgusting stories that it has gotten me into. Since this is one of the most important aspects of your story because you want to hook the reader, you may want to consider a little editing. As with many men, testosterone is my worst enemy. The events you are about to read are true (even if It pains me to admit it). Of course this is just a suggestion. But can you see how just changing the intro a little can add interest? Also, it's important that your sentences are fluid so your story flows smoothly and your plot unfolds with ease. Part of what held me back was the repeated use of 'it has'

We had an angel atop the tree, seemly watching us as we tried to look at our presents seemly should be "seemingly"

And I knew it would be one that I couldn't lose if I wanted to be respected ever again. This sentence suffers from a little wordiness. You want to make ever word count . Perhaps: I wanted to win so I believed I couldn't lose. It was all about respect, which I refused to beleive wouldn't be mine when it was all said and done. Again, just a thought to consider.

So, then in[an] effort too to catch up, I began swallowing bigger and bigger amounts, until it started to get to too much, then I felt it all start too come coming back up. So I took off towards the kitchen, with intentions of getting to the trashcan. But, alas, I could not make it too but the sink. In the above series of senteces, I added a word in brackets you left out, made some strikes of wrong word choices adding the correct one next to it and then in the final phrase, underlined, it seemed awkward to me. Needs a little clarification.

As I sit there hoping the feeling in my stomach to go away, I feel this weird sensation in my throat. That’s when I decide I need to get the trash can. I run the bathroom The above paragrpah is missing words or is using wrong word choices albeit: instead of 'to go away' should be 'will go away. "


throwing up in the back [g]round because missing the 'g' for ground



You have some offbeat humor in this short story. I can imagine the events in my mind's eye. Eeew! *Wink* You described the scenes well but need to polish and refine your sentences and proofread so there are less errors and the story read with more ease.

I do like it and your idea is great. It has promise but falls a bit short. Nothing a little editing can't fix!

I do hope you found this useful. Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
156
156
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There smileyface *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review! I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is a bittersweet story. I can sense the love and the longing. It's both sad and so full of emotion. The letter to Santa from the young boy is heartbreaking and the emotion from the father, is touching. I think you have the beginnings of not just an appealing story but one that will affect your reader's as well.

I do feel as though this is a draft, not quite polished or refined enough.

It does read a bit rough around the edges due to the wordiness of your sentences and a few grammar and issues with the mechanics of writing. These are all easy to address if you choose. So don't get distressed! It's all part of the process of writing as you know.

May I offer some suggestions?


lying on his sides and hugging his bolster tightly against his chest
I underlined a word in the above phrase because I think it would be
best to drop the plural 's' because it's a bit difficult to lay on both 'sides' ?

Fate must have played a part in pulling the two of them together. Although the two of them worked in the same building, I underlined the above phrases because of the repetition of same words. You may want to find different words


His boss had rejected the idea that he’d spent nights working on. This sentence is just one example of a little wordiness. The over use of 'that' and the 'had' really weigh this sentence down. Perhaps: His boss rejected the ideas for the project which he'd spent long hours and many nights working on. You do end up using a few more words here, but it less heavy, more active and your meaning is more clear.


Lydia on the other hand, was there as she had a sudden craving for their specialty crème brulee dessert. Sometimes simple is best. perhaps: Lydia came for the decadent creme brulee she was craving. Essentially you're saying the same thing with less words. Plus your words are more direct and active.


Not wanting to get home so early – and remember how he had slogged the previous nights away at his computer table – anyway, he decided against
running in the rain and risk falling ill at this crucial period of his career life.
An unlucky day it had been. But at that point of time, he hadn’t thought that this unlucky day would actually lead him to finding the lucky woman of his life.
Just a bit too much information crowded into this sentence, weighing it down. Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves what information is important for the reader to know. Just thoughts for you to ponder. Keep it simple, active and make every word count so your meaning is clear.

After an awkward few seconds of exchange of strange glances, I found this phrase to be awkward.

Wiping away a tear that unknowingly found its way to the corner of his eyes, Gabriel took a deep breath and reached his hand into the stocking, feeling for the piece of paper that Ashwin should have put inside. I found the choice of 'unknowingly' to be a bit odd here. I wonder, is it really unusal for a husband to shed some tears over his dead wife? Also, with the phrase I crossed out...again, keeping it simple might make your sentence more effective. such as: ..., searching for the letter Ashwin wrote to Santa. " Again, just an observation.


If there were six words that could make Gabriel experience despair once again, it would be the ones that stared straight at him maliciously I was taken aback by the word maliciously. It makes it sound like Ashwin wrote the letter with malicious intent. Also, you could increase the clarity of the sentence by cutting back on some of the wordiness. Maybe: Those six small words put a big lump in his throat. His heart sunk in despair. Well you may not like my words but you catch my meaning.

I was deeply intrigued by the way you speak. In this sentence, there is a shift in tense. "Intrigued is past' and 'speak' is present...Perhaps: I was deeply intrigued by the way you spoke.



I think you have a wonderful sensitive story here. It is filled with the pain of losing the love of your life. To deal with the son's grief as well as his wish increases the bitter sweetness of the story. There is loss, and longing and sadness yet a glimmer of hope. I loved how the father wrote the letter in the mother's handwriting and baked the special cake for the son, just like his mother did! That was so lovely and affecting!

You have an appealing story here. It just needs a little polishing so your sentences are clearer and your meaning is more effective.

Please don't get discouraged! This has grand potential. And I do hope this is taken in the spirit for which it was intended!

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo Just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **









157
157
Review of New Kid  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Shea *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw the title and thought, well, who can't relate to being a "new kid." At one time in every one's life, we had to be a new kid somewhere. So I decided to stop in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you captured the frustration and his humiliation quite well. The substance of the story was interesting and you did a great job of presenting the first person narrative.

Great job with capturing the voice of a ten year old.

I think this is a subject most every one can relate too and share stories about. It's just 'norm' I guess. Even if you never move from one school district to another, at some point, you are a 'new kid' just to elementary, to middle school, to high school. Well done with writing about a topic everyone can empathize with.

I felt there were some slight issues with your story. Some wordiness and repetition that weighed your sentences down. I think you could do
do a slight proofread for punctuation and I saw some typos you may want to address.

Here is some of what I observed.

Mrs. Lawson said in a sweet voice as she bending down to make sure I heard
her. This sentence seems to be missing the verb 'was' before bending?

and from that minute on {,}I knew it was going to be a long day. comma after 'on'


I dropped my backpack, I couldn't’t get over it; the school did’t have walls between their classes.
The first part of the sentence separated by a comma, after backpack, are two complete sentences. Perhaps replace the comma with a period or a semicolon (though semi colons should be used sparingly) between their classes.

class in the forth grade. do you mean fourth?


and I could over hear two girls talking and giggling about me or should I say “the new kid”, and they were talking about my calic and how it sticks straight up in the air. do you mean cowlick? instead of calic? and perhaps sticking straight up suggests in the air, so you could omit "in the air/" just a thought to ponder, of course. *Wink*

Doris packed my lunch for me since she thought the school cafeteria food cost too much for children to eat. I thought this sentence was just one example of wordiness. Maybe: Doris packed my lunch because the felt cafeteria food was too expensive. Does he really call his mom Doris?


These are easy to address if you choose and correcting them would help to polish and refine. This story has grand potential. It's a fantastic subject and, for the most, part is was well told. It just needs a little tweaking so it can live up to all its promises to be .

Thanks for sharing. I do hope this was helpful and that it is taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo thanks RAOK *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
158
158
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Fiction Writer *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page inviting me for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Holy Cow! No wait, I mean Holy Huge Cats! What an imagination. This is original and creative. I think you're on to something here. It's inventive and unusal and I can see its entertainment value and you do have a flair for capturing the essence of the boy's enthusiasm and youthfulness as well as the Aunt's loving patience. This has grand potential, but it does fall a bit short for me.

I had a difficult time grasping the 'gist' of your story. It seems to be lacking 'substance' in the plot and storyline. I'm not really sure what it's about other the creation or dissolvement of huge space cats as the ultimate computer game for the newphew.

I think all it lacks is some focus and some developing. It's as if you took a scene out of the middle of a story without giving us any developing plot or background. In this sense, it was a bit difficult to follow.

I do have a couple of small observations for you if I may?

withe the following two words, " competent efficiency" it seems a bit repetitive because, they essentially say the same thing.

And then just a side note, on the use of adverbs. Sometimes they are useful and sometimes they just weigh a sentence down without adding any insight into conflict, action, or characterization. For instance, your wrote "sufficiently flustered "
I would like to challenge you to ask yourself what does 'sufficiently' add to flustered? Oft times, you can omit an adverb without losing anything or you can add more words to add flavor and insight into a character's actions and reactions...ect. Just a thought for you to ponder.

otherwise, while this was a bit unconventional, I see such grand potential. It is inventive and creative and I think it's worthy of a determined rewrite so it can shine and live up to its potential.

I do hope this review is taken in the spirit of which it was intended.

Thank you for sharing such a unique and original story.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo thanks RAOK *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
159
159
Review of Mr. Tibbs  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Ben Langhinrichs *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your item listed on the Request a Review page and decided to breeze on it. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Awwww man, you ended it too quickly. I wanted more. I was just getting the feel for this character and his situation, and then the end.

Just my opinion, but I think this would make for a nice short story rather than a piece of flash fiction. You have created interest and engaged me enough to wonder who is Mr Tibbs and why did your character create him and why is he sleeping on the park bench?

I think you have the makings of a compelling short story. You have a strong theme and a character that demands more development.

You did a great job of constructing this one scene. Good use of description. Not too much, nor too little. I could envision this cold blustery day and the bench in my mind's eye. Excellent!

I saw nothing in the area of grammar or in the mechanics of writing that stuck out or stumbled me as I was reading. Superb!

I can offer no suggestions other than perhaps encouragement to develop your story a bit more so the reader can learn a bit more about your character and his situation, and of course, learn about Mr Tibbs and what part he plays in the life of your character. So get busy! haha

Hey thanks for letting me stay. I hope you found this useful

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo thanks Raok *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




160
160
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Oldwarrior *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! You are receiving this review as a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thank you for visiting my port and for reviewing one of my items. I hope you find my comments helpful, please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sahring one reader's perspective.

The difference between your story and mine, well, your story is real, sir. Your story comes from the heart and from the expereince of being in the midst of battle, from the knowledge of a mission and from the passion and the pride of serving your country. There is no substitute. So I salute you for the service to your country and for the obvious horror of war and it's aftermath you endured

There is such a tone of pride in this story. You had a duty and you completed your duty with respect for its very nature in spite of the unpleasant responsibilities and the taunting as well as the outright disrespect.

There is passion in your words and heart. You wrote with honesty and this honesty is reflected in every sentence as you retell one event of many.

But more than anything, their is hope is your story. Because I'm sure you made a difference not to just Johnny's family and friends but, perhaps, planted a seed in the protester's minds. And that is a beautiful thing and unselfish. I thought you told it well and would only suggest doing a proofread for commas. I sensed areas that would benefit from a comma for pause. Just to slow the pace down a bit. Sometimes, if you read your story out loud you can sense where the commas are needed.

Otherwise, I was proud to read your story. Thank you for sharing. I have no other suggestions. It was a wonderful item to read because it was 'real', deep with emotion, profound with honor and with courage. Superb!


Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3* kjo about to expire *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
161
161
Review of Quite the Lady  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Donnamae *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Shameless Plug page and decided to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This was a sad and sweet story. Sweet because your character longed for a relationship with her daughter and her grand kids and sad because a worthless husband stood in the way.

This is not an original theme but you made it your own with the emotion of your writing and the depth of your character.

I enjoyed your story and thought it was well written. You did a great job of developing your character and of constructing your scenes:what a long and lonely wait for the grandmother.

I love the theme within a theme. So your story has layers of meaning. Superb!


What stories your grandmother has to tell. And no one wants to listen. What a shame and because I can envision this in any small apartment across the country, it was believable and her situation was realistic.

I don't really have any suggestions. Nothing to offer that may improve on the story. I think it's fine as it is. Well done!

Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I do hope you found this useful.


Write On and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo about to Expire *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
162
162
Review of POISON  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Total-Blam-Blam *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your item on the Request a review page daring me to stop in for a read. So here I am. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is a difficult item to review because it's not really a story, a poem, prose or an article. It's a 'moment' ,a scene between two lovers where we are inexplicably told there is a toxic union...a rendezvous if you will where the reader can only imagine who the characters are and what draws them to each other.

As a reader, the best I can do is give you my response to your item.

I do like the aesthetic quality of this piece. I can sense the ' power' of their affect on each other. it was as if I was a voyeur in this scene, watching their passion unfold. It was disturbing and intoxicating at the same time.

I thought you did a great job with making the scene believable though we know little more than what we are told.

To me, it seems like a forbidden love. One where their is power and attraction beyond explanation and little control. A bit 'animalistic' in its essence and yet I thought you showcased the dominance of the 'her'? very well and 'his' weakness' though it is obvious he loathes himself for being powerless.

I saw no obvious errors in the mechanics of writing or in grammar. it is what it is and as the author, you have delivered to the reader what you offered as the tag or byline. So well done.

I will rate it based on the effectivenss and success of the description and because it was well written. If you do decided to expand it and introduce your characters...it could be an evocative and intense story ...as it stands now,
its just a 'passionate' moment between two characters who love is obviously toxic for whatever reason.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
163
163
Review of ***Reborn***  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There Kyndig *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I like about this piece is it's thought-provoking and philosophical elements. There is this essence of wonder that makes IId's story appealing.

You have written with a lot of emotion. IId's conflict and internal torture over his actions and his reason for 'being' make this an emotionally raw and equally fascinating study of a Human's need for love, security, and worthiness without judgement, as well as searching for answers to the ever question of 'why' So well done with these aspects.Suberb!

While those elements mentioned above were compelling and honorable, there were some aspects of this story that fell short and faltered for me. For the most part, I saw issues in the areas of grammar and in the mechanics of writing. Both interrupted the flow of your story and held your story back from being all it promises to be.

May I offer some suggestions?

Hundreds of years to learn from, even thinking of where to begin was an enormous task. I found this sentence to be vague. I know what you are trying to say but perhaps if you rewrote it in a more active rather than passive voice, it would be clearer. For instance: Although IId knew there were hundreds of years to draw knowledge from, the enormity of the task boggled his mind. Well sometime to that effect. You might use more words, but it's less ambiguous and adds another dimension of character development.


When I first began, what I first remember,“ You utilize a lot of repetition in your story...and much of it was effective, but the repetitive use of 'first' doesn't work in this instance.

the forest itself began to flame... I had a little difficulty envisioning the forest beginning to flame. Perhaps the forest burst into flames, or the forest became an inferno raging with flames..


He knew the voice would not answer this, he knew that those were questions that he alone could answer, yet the simple asking made him feel better.
You have a run on sentence here. The best way to approach this is by replacing the comma after 'this' with a period or a semicolon.


and so I screeched as quietly...'screeched quietly' seems to negate each other. Screeching doesn't seem quiet ?

But more than that[,] the terror and pain within his soul began to heal comma after 'that'

Wouldn’t that mean that nothing has worthiness? here, the repetitive use of 'that' weighs your sentence down. 'that' can be useful, but it's not always needed.

he the words almost accusingly, daring the voice to respond. this seems to be missing a word

I knew that at that moment I could allow the emotion to flow. perhaps this would flow with more ease if you rewrote it without both 'thats?

You have an intriguing theme here. I like the aspect of a story within a story. It adds depth and drama and creates interest for the reader. You've written with a lot of emotion and I like the fact your character has multiple layers and the story is thought-provoking because its questions purpose and the ever illusive 'why' However, the few errors makes it difficult to thoroughly enjoy and interrupts the flow and the pace of your story.

This had grand potential. With a little rewrite it would be even more evocative. I hope you haven't submitted yet, so you have time for a little editing. I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
164
164
Review of Seeking A Valley  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Gabrielle *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review Page and stopped in for a read and review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Gabrielle this is a profound and poignant journey through self-discovery! Superb! I found your writing to be near flawless, brutally honest and a true-life account of one woman's journey through personal afflictions and frailties.

I found your journey empowering. It was full of emotion and passion as you wandered through your life's experiences in all its pain and in all its joy. The bitter sweetness of your recognition is easy to relate to for in a sense, we all know about masks. I wear masks myself. Not to the same degree, but the nonetheless, a mask and what it's masking is not pretty. A lie never is.

I do have a couple of small observations if I may. They are not errors, so-to-speak, just suggestions.

The older I grew, the shorter I fell of standards I demanded of myself and I created my mask so that none would see how desperate my life was becoming.
I found the above sentence a bit awkward. Perhaps: The older I became, the further I fell from my own standards. I hid it so well, no one suspected my desperation. Or something to that effect. Just a thought to ponder.

It was a wave of denial I rode the crest of, straight into the rocky shore of reality.
Again, I felt this sentence could be rewritten so it bellows with the pain and with the reality of it's underlying meaning. It's such a profound statement yet it losses something in translation. perhaps: I rode the wave of denial straight into the rocky shores of reality. ? Again, just a thought to ponder. Making the statement more active and direct rather than passive increases its power and effectiveness.

I think you have a valid item here. its full of the pain it took to write it and the wisdom of the experiences you overcame or are still struggling with.

I will call this grace under fire because of the genuine sincerity it was written with, for the thought-provoking reality of your journey and for the accomplishments that you embrace.

I have no other observations. This was evocative, riddled with your pain and resplendent with hope.

Thanks for sharing. Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


165
165
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There Huntington *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Boys will be boys! But holy cannoli what a traumatic experience for Danny. It makes me wonder, why on earth he was compelled to keep the disappearance a secret. I like the fact, you didn't give resolution to how he vanished allowing the reader to surmise the possibilities in their own mind. it also gives your story an edge of mystery and suspense.

I think you captured the essence of two mischievous boys very well. Superb!

You constructed your action scenes well. I could easily imagine the boys rough housing and wrestling...out of breath and giggling without a care. Well done!

I did see on inconsistency. Ookah Doon. Dookah Oon. Is it Ookay Doon or Dookah oon? Personally I love "Ookah Doon" Fantastic title for a a mountain of sand and sludge for adventures.

There is this light-hearted and welcoming element to your story. And the added twist was a nice surprise.

The only other observation I have is to "spraying it out like a w with their two tiny " consider placing the 'w' in italics to make it easier for the reader to decipher.

Otherwise a great little story. Simple but otherwise well written and entertaining peppered with a little mystery.

I do hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
166
166
Review of 011  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There 65days *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. Thank you for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Your title drew me in. It's not descriptive and gives little clue as to the theme and storyline but it did pique my interest.

You did a fantastic job of characterizing the insanity of Alexis. She was by no means normal and I thought your portrayal of her descent into madness was effective and believable if not a little peculiar. She was more than a bit confused and the self-inflicted cuts were a profound reminder of her psychosis.

Too, I thought you constructed the scenes well as your character recreated the conception of her 'love' and how it lead to her impending insanity.

There were however numerous grammar issues and issues with the mechanics of writing that interrupted the flow of your story.

I know you are aware of the spelling errors and using the wrong context of a word: a.k.a: writing 'of' when it should be 'off' , but those were not the only problems that prevented a smooth read.

I will list a few other observations that may help you in your editing efforts and which may help refine and polish your story so it can reach its grand potential.


It was a small room. Kind of bland, pictures drape the pale walls
The room was a good size, you could park at least two cars side by side and still have room to open the doors. In the above examples copied from your story, the second sentence is a fragment, you may want to connect it to the first with a comma. And in the final sentences, you used a comma after 'size' when you should use a period or semi colon to separate because they are two complete sentences, committing a runon.

Stood like guards, was a garden of aged statues, most biblical, reciting some key points in the biblical history, they towered over Alexis as she wondered without a care through the courtyard. I see a few issues with the above examples. First, "stood like guards" creates a little confusion. It reads a bit awkward. Perhaps: Aged statues stood tall like guards, towering over
the garden..." Next, you repeated 'biblical' twice making it a bit redundant. and in the final sentence, I think you meant 'wandered' rather then wondered.?

A wide grim broadened across her face. Do you mean 'grin'?

The door had been recently been cleaned and had the number 011 branded to the door. Here you can omit one 'been' and maybe reconsider another word for one of the door's?

The book now too water logged to be useful to anyone, it curled whithered at the edges. A runon. Perhaps a period instead of a comma? And the second sentence is a bit awkward.

She lunged forward and collapsed into a puddle. Her blood now seeped into the water, turning it a murky brown. She reached for it, blood spilling to the floor, turning the dust crimson. In these two sentences, I just wanted to point out...first you say the ground/floor was laden ed with water...then with dust. it's best to remain consistent so the reader isn't confused. *Wink*


The final observation I have is the overuse of adverbs. Far too many for the length of this story. Adding a 'ly' on the end of a word doesn't make it more effective or more descriptive. In fact, if you omit the adverb and replace it with more words...you can add insight into characterization, action and conflict. Some you used three of more times. Here are some of them you may want to reconsider: lazily, slowly, heavily, slightly, loudly, quickly, loudly, abruptly, valiantly, brilliantly, gently, astonishingly, simply, tightly, obviously, hastily, nervously, sheepishly, magnificently. As an example of omitting an adverb, I offer you this example: You wrote: The sun peered lazily through the trees, illuminating the ground, flickering slightly beneath her footsteps ." My first observation is 'peering' and lazily seem to be two complete opposites. Then you added 'slight;y' another adverb. You could rewrite this such as: The sun peered through the trees with such intensity its brilliance bounced off the ground illuminating her determined footsteps as she trudged through the thick underbrush.

Well you may not like my words but I'm sure you get my point. Can you sense a difference? It created more depth and drama to the action of her walking and allows the reader to envision. It's best to show us rather then tell us Also, it adds to the characterization of Alexis. Which is necessary so she becomes more life-like allowing the reader to care and connect.

You have a great beginning here. You have allowed the reader to feel her pain and her diminishing state-of-mind. Your character is fragile within which is a wonderful contrast to her stealth physical body. I like the comparison.

This does needs some refining and polishing but I see its promise!

I do hope this has been useful to you.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
167
167
Review of Crimson Tempest  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There SHADOW XV *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page. Thank you for inviting me in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the effective elements of story writing in this item is your use of action. You construct your action scenes well which help to engage the reader and move the conflict toward some resolution. There isn't much of a plot established yet nor a lot of characterization, yet I suspect these elements will be developed further as the story continues.

It seems you have a flair for futuristic mystery peppered with action and adventure yet I do see some immediate issues which interrupt the flow of your story and create a little confusion for the reader.

The pace of your story is fine. But it could benefit from some proofreading because of the spelling errors, runon sentences, wordiness and formatting issues.

I will make a few recommendations but please keep in mind these are just my opinions, take them or not, you are the final judge.


" Fenrir awoke, yet another of the dreams that plagued his conciense and ripped at his very soul. "I can't keep living like this," he thought as he lit a cigarette. In the previous sentences, the correct spelling for the underlined word is conscience. and I think if you placed your character's internal thoughts in italics it would increase the overall effectivenss.

It had been three years since the incedent that had given him his freedom, three years since he lost his only friend at the time. I see a couple of problems with this sentence. First, the underlined word is spelled incident. Next, there is a little wordiness and you could omit the final three words: "at the time' They don't really add anything to your sentence, just added words which have no merit to the meaning.

He had brought along another escapee named Timaeus to ensure his {u/}escape. There is a little redundancy with similar words. You may want to consider a replacement.

And we would have died too, you know that he's the strongest out of all of us, besides we're the only two who want to take him out, two against twenty, yeah that's really a fair fight You have a series of run on sentences. It would be more correct to replace the commas after 'too' and 'us' with a period or semicolon.
.

"That'swhat you always say, but is there any truth to it? Just missing a space separating that's what. Also, i think your the overall presentation of your story would look more professional and be kinder to the reader's eyes, if you'd consider placing spaces between your paragrpahs. As it stands now, the mountain of text is a little harsh on the reader's eyes.


I think you're off to a good start here. There are a few issues but all are easy to address if you choose. You have good action and drama and conflict here which all make for a compelling read. I think if you were to address some of the grammar and mechanics of writing issues this will shape up to be a fine story.

I do hope this has been useful.

Thanks for letting me stay awhile.

Write on and the write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

168
168
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Richard Luck *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and was more than a little intrigued. The title drew me in, and your off beat humor kept me engaged. I found myself smiling that familiar toothy grin. *Shock* Yeow! haha. *Bigsmile*

I'm with you buster...not much for vampire stories...I don't like them sam I am, not on Halloween eve, not with Merlot or Riesling ...not even after a couple of Martini's. *Bigsmile* haha. And the season is ripe for Goblins, Ghouls and Vampires too.

What I liked about your story was its appeal. It was entertaining and offbeat and ridiculously un-scary. Great spoof! I thought you constructed your "Lab scene well' and did an excellent job of making your Vampire un-traditional. Almost comic-like while he begged for 'blood please.' So, not your typical vampire, Wonderful! Boris would be mortified! *Shock* haha.

I do have a couple of suggestions. Please keep in mind I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think your story would benefit from a little polishing and refining. It has such grand potential to be even better if you were to cut back on some of the wordiness. and, maybe italicize the interjections.

For instance: "He took on a frightening appearance, like the light around him had started to fade." I think if you were to rewrite this sentence using active words, rather than passive, it would be more effective. Perhaps: He took on a more frightening appearance as the light around him began fading , swallowing any life source, leaving just a shadow of what used to be. Well you may not like my words...but it adds more drama and intensity.

His eyes seemed to darken right before me, and I could swear that his hair had risen sharply, as though a bit of static had floated over his head.
Same with the above sentence. I think it could be tightened up a bit. Perhaps: His eyes darkened and I swear I saw his hair rise sharply reacting to a sudden rift of static in the air. Well you get my point. It's best to make every word count.

The following exchange had me cracking up...'fibbies' Perfect! “You shouldn’t tell fibbies, mister.” He said and, yes, definitely fangs. " I think it might be less confusing if you were to place your thoughts in italics. Such as: "You shouldn't be telling fibbies, mister," he said. And yes, fangs, I do see Fangs! As I trembled inside.

I think you are on to something here. A fantastic spoof on vampire stories. It was creative and inventive and funny. It could be tightened up a bit. Cut back on some of the wordiness, use stronger, active word choices and tighten up the mechanics of writing with a proofreading of punctuation. I find if I read my stories out loud I can hear where I need a comma for pause or a period. It helps to control the pace and tone as well.

i thought this was Original and crazy, but-- oh so much fun!

I do hope this has been useful/

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




169
169
Review of My Ghosts  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There renflower *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in to meet your Ghosts. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about your item is how well you described the various "Ghosts" and how well they related to the various temptations of the flesh and of our emotions. I thought they were believable and realistically portrayed.

I thought it was interesting and ironic that 'temptation and guilt' were male while love was female and guilt and hatred two of the most destructive were 'its'.

Perhaps giving them gender was unintentional but it it worked for me and as a reader, the Temptations' came alive for me in my mind. I thought they were relatable.

Your descriptions were marvelous and the prose overall was well written.

I saw nothing I could suggest changing since this was not poetry or a short story but rather the authors perspective on personal demons that haunt and tempt. It's a struggle most humans must overcome, some have different 'ghosts' and others have similar experiences. In short, well thought out and thought provoking.

I do hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


170
170
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Pixel218 *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I will comment on the content first since this is what you were more concerned about, however, I will include some observations as well that may help polish and refine.

I liked your story. Very nice active voice with a strong, direct tone. The overall content is creative and intriguing. The theme of your story is one that has been written many times before, but your inventiveness and your flair for the unusual gives it a fresh approach. Superb!

You have constructed your scenes well and have spent much of the story revealing the plot and developing your character. And you have given the reader a clear idea of of your protagonist and her conflict. I suspect. as your story continues, the plot will thicken and perhaps their will be resolution.

For now, I enjoyed the story and your style of writing is fresh and solid.

I do have some suggestions however. You have the substance of a excellent story. Your style of writing is good. But when the grammar is weak then it dilutes the effectivenss of the story as a whole.

There were a few grammatical issues.

While she didn’t know every much about her aunt Cordelia, she did know that she was a ship captain ; that she had run away from an undesired marriagee, and managed to get off planet.
The first observation I have is you used 'every' when I think you meant to use 'very'? Just a typo but it does interrupt the flow. Also,May I suggest removing some of the 'that's which weigh a sentence down. Perhaps: While she didn't know much about her aunt Cordelia, she knew she was a ship captain who ran away from a planned marriage and escaped off the planet. Do you sense a difference in the fluidity of the sentence?

Dread slowly her steps, Elena slowly made her way home. Slowly she climbed the.. Just wanted to point out some redundancy with 'slowly'
.
Elena felt her hopes and dreams crumbling like a cliff beneath her feet. There is nothing wrong with this sentence, but the metaphor is a bit weak. It's hard to imagine a cliff crumbling in reference to hope and dreams. Just a thought to ponder.

The final observation I want to make is the overuse of adverbs. Adverbs are useful...but too many weaken the overall effect of the story. Replacing your adverbs, even if you use more words, can give added insight into conflict, action and characterization. I listed some of theme. Some you used more than once or twice: suddenly, theoretically, simply, expectantly, blankly, sharply, inwardly, slowly, triumphantly, proudly, simultaneously, toothily.

I think you have a story here with grand potential. I did enjoy reading it. Though the theme could of been tired because it has been done many times before...you gave it pizzazz and life and originality.It was refreshing. Excellent


It just needs a little refining and polishing so it can shine even brighter.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
171
171
Review of As The Wind Blows  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Buffalo Jay *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What you have here is a heart-warming, sad yet beautiful story of a young man's great loss. I think you captured the emotions of the young boy very well and the essence of his despair and grief. The funeral itself was well relayed. I believed he was at a funeral and I believed his range of emotions. I thought adding the 'first hunting memory with his dad was especially effective and poignant.

You used your words well and constructed your scenes with skill. Your story flowed with ease unfolding with grace and with simple appeal.

The only imperfection in this otherwise perfect story is the mountain of text. it would certainly be easier on the reader's eyes if you would consider placing spaces between your paragrpahs and your dialogue so the reader can have pause and have rest as they read your story.

Not only does this aid the reader, but it also gives a more polished professional appearance to your story. Presentation is important too.

Thanks for sharing this heartfelt, well written and poignant story. I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
172
172
Review of Chitter  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There shecriesatnight *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Well this is an usual story emitting gloom and doom as well as a creativeness arising out of its dark theme. In a way I was as intrigued as I was creep ed out.

i think you did a good job of setting up the scene in the cavern and I got a clear sense of these beings...these 'shadows with free will'--a creative yet peculiar description. *Wink*

I loved the noise they made... this chittering..."It was a bizarre chittering noise-- all clicks and hard, high pitched consonants with whining vowel sounds" Superb! description. *Wink*

Although the chittering continued, the sounds became words that surfaced inside her head like alphabet noodles and resolved themselves into sentences.
Wonderful!

I do have a couple of observations if I may?

You may want to reconsider some of your adverbs. Adverbs, of course are useful to a degree. Too many tend to lessen the effectiveness of your sentences and their meaning. I copied some of them {some you used twice or more) quietly, perfectly, shakily, blearily, silently, swiftly, quickly, seemingly, clearly, erratically, honestly. Adding an 'ly' to word doesn't make your sentence or the word it's meant to modify, more descriptive or more effective. In fact, even if you use more words in one adverbs place, your sentence may become richer because it gives added insight into character development, conflict or description. For instance you wrote: " She moved shakily toward the opening and hesitated on the threshold. " Consider removing 'shakily' and replacing it to give added insight into your charcters body language, thoughts or reactions. Something like this: Her body was trembling with fear as she inched toward the opening, hesitating on the edge of the threshold, holding her breath until she felt dizzy.. Do you sense a difference? Yes, it changes the conflict and the action/reaction, but it also adds depth and enriches your character. Just thoughts for you to ponder.

I also noticed that the following sentence seems a bit awkward. You may want to add punctuation or rewrite it so 'broken' flows with ease rather than jarring the reader with a little ambiguity.
"Broken the iron chains lay next to her on the stone dais. What have they done to me?" Perhaps something like "The chains lay next to her on the stone dais, broken." ?

I think you have the beginnings of a wonderful, creative story. I sense some humor underneath it the personality of your character. Nice. I think you have some good characterization thus far and I sense she will be developed more as the story continues.

You have a wonderful flair for methaphors and description...There is a dark side to this story sprinkled with some dread. I suspect this was part of your intent so well done.

This just needs a little refining and polishing. I do hope this has been useful.

Writeon and then write on some more!

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
173
173
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There TJ Friend *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review Page and stopped in for a read...wondering what kind of potion your story was conjuring up. *Wink* Great title...it's initially what piqued my interest. I do hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You have your self a simple yet endearing love story with a surprising twist! Superb!

I wasn't expecting the ending, how refreshing!

I do have a few suggestions if I may? My few observations are mostly with wordiness and repetition. All of which are easy to address if you choose.

Her heart started beating faster every time he looked at her, and she almost swooned when he smiled at her. This has a wonderful sweet essence to it but I think it could be more effective and poignant with a little rewrite. perhaps: Her heart beat faster whenever he looked her way and she swooned with each sincere smile.

Years of living in solitude had created a longing for Lagrima, not only to be with someone, but to enter back into society as a part of the community not as an outcast. rejoin the community as a citizen instead of an outcast. Just a suggestion to cut back on words and to increase the flow and effectiveness of the meaning?



spending more and more time together

she was becoming more and more infatuated with him

With the two previous phrases, you may want to omit the 'an more' they don't add much to meaning ...more is just more...not necessarily more better. Just an observation of course.

I liked your story. it was endearing and heart-wrenching. It really embodied the essence of the most prominent human desire...we all just want to be loved. I thought it was simple but not simplistic. Very creative ending. I thought you constructing your scene well and, overall, the story unfolded at with a nice pace and flow. With a little polishing and refining, this is a story with grand potential!

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

174
174
Review of Be Black  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There Mikaili *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your poem listed on the Request a Review page and decided to answer your plea for a review. I know what it's like to be so close to your own words and flow you can no longer see what areas could benefit from further rewriting. I do hope you find my observations helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You've got the substance of a powerful, thought-provoking poem here. I can sense your beseechment as you cry out for answers to the question on what Black is.

There is a tone of disenchantment and a flicker of disbelief as your ask yourself Why in hopes the reader can comprehend the war that is raging in America of the Question of Black. Your emotion is strong and your passion for answers is ringing in my ears. so Well done in these respects.

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may.

There was one misspelling...well actually, just missing an apostrophe with "Were a Generation of..." I think perhaps you meant to write We're? Without the upstroke...the word has a different meaning, as you well know. Just a typo.

I think your meanings may have more punch and power if you were to cut back on some of the wordiness in your lines. Sometimes less is more.

For instance, you wrote: "So we’d rather be black for just a short moment then mix with a lighter race when its no longer convenient " A moment is short so writing a 'short moment' becomes a bit redundant. And perhaps, this statement could be more effective by omitting a few other words so it reads like:
So we'd rather be black for a moment rather than mix with a lighter race... ." And I guess I was a bit bemused by the last few words "when it was no longer convenient. " Perhaps it would be less confusing if it was to stand alone on another line? Just thoughts for you to ponder.

A generation of people that don’t know black and hate themselves
Self hatred rooted so deep it eats away at our souls and we don’t even know it
The above two lines are powerful...But a bit repetitive. Perhaps you could make it more effective by omitting 'hate themselves' Such as:

A generation of people that don't know black
self-hatred rooted so deep
it's consuming our souls
and we turn a blind eye Well I'm not trying to rewrite your poem...just give you thoughts on how 'less can be more." *Wink*

I am not black and don't know what it's like to be reminded day in and day out that you're black with all the negative connotations and preconceived notions that ride the back of and feed the ignorance of racism. I do however know racism is alive and still breeding right here in the good Ole US of A .

I think your poem needs to be read and your voice needs to be heard. You do make some profound statements and give us reason to pause. And that is the power of your words and the passion in your question. It is a volatile subject. Always has been. Your words deserve to be reckoned with.

You ended on a powerful note. I could hear your plea....it was agonizing and poignant, truthful in all its pain and in all its insanity. It festers and rots ...this mean-spirited hatred, but I also sense a glimmer of hope...perhaps it's just me...I do my best to remain ever-hopeful, regardless.

Thank you for sharing this poem...It has merit and promises to give reader's pause and make them think. And isn't this just one part of a writer's purpose?

I do hope this has been useful.

Poem on and them poem on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
175
175
Review of Ninety-two Stares  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Penn Cill *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your Item on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I sense there is some deeper meaning to this very short fifty something item. It seems 'your skeleton' is layered in more then just rattling bones. *Wink* It is thought-provoking and intriguing. So great job with raising a few eyebrow bones.

No bones about it..haha, (sorry I couldn't resit, *Bigsmile* ) this was well written and if it were longer, I suspect it could be considered an 'exposition' on 'hiding' something , wearing masks...or perhaps, hiding from your true self for fear...?

I do have one small observation...I stumbled a bit on the play on words "complete and collect' It jarred me a bit...because they don't seem to have the same meaning in this context. Just a thought for you to ponder.

Other wise, I did enjoy this and thought you said a lot with very few jobs. I find that amazing! Something I can't do. I get lost in details and descriptions. *Wink* So well done!

I do hope this has been useful. Thanks for letting me stay.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




786 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 32 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kjowill/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7