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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain
Review Requests: OFF
1,366 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Moon Cathedral  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Beholden

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Love this take on the image prompt. I liked the pace of the story and the unique ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only thing I got lost on was whether there was connection to the moon's appearance and what happened at the end. Were the sliver threads forming symbols part of the moonlight?
*Bullet*This was a control room of some sort.

Overall, great story!

Regards,
Kim
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2
2
Review of I Owe You My All  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello vick04049186

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

I liked how you wound the characters around the castle, nice work!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*piece of clay fastened into a sturdy cup. -- fastened / fashioned
*Bullet*young man was notorious like you for pushing his jet-black shoulder length curly hair from his face -- suggest a different word than notorious
*Bullet*assisted his lover with his choirs so he could accompany him -- choirs / chores
*Bullet* He watches his son kiss the young stable hand turned cook in shear anger. -- grammar, suggest "Watches in sheer anger as his son kisses the stable hand turned cook.
*Bullet*chops off the branch of the oak moments for its able to slam it down on Beau - moments before the tree is able to slam the branch down on Beau
*Bullet*Yes. I will make us dinner. It's the least I can do. I owe you my life. -- Is this where your title comes from?

Overall, some editing and tightening of the story and this is grand tale.

Regards,
Kim
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3
3
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello hullabaloo22

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Some interesting dialog in the story but I was left wanting more information. Why was the girl at her cousin's? What is her name? This felt like just the beginning of a cool vampire story :)

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The asterisk dividers didn't seem necessary.

Overall, nice job working the features of the prompt photo into the story.

Regards,
Kim
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4
4
Review of The Angry Moon  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Quiltingmama

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Great story! You jumped right into the scene, built the past and wrapped it up with a pleasant ending. I liked the characters and Mike's sense of purpose.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line breaks between paragraphs to help keep place.
*Bullet*"In the brilliance of the full moon over his shoulder," ~ Suggest "moonlight".

Overall, A well crafted story.

Regards,
Kim
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5
5
Review of Ezel  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello K.HBey

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

This was an interesting story, unfortunately it was a difficult read due to all the information pushed at the reader. Also, the dialog as formatted was difficult to read.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*the peacocks. They set under the trees. - set / sit
*Bullet*There is a big crowd that is waiting to get tickets
*Bullet*sultan the king Othman the sixth. ~ Capitalize
*Bullet*It is at the topic of the mountain and seems to be haunted
*Bullet*Do not loose time the flight will leave from Istanbul ~ Loose / lose
*Bullet*Learn how to format dialog - here's some tips, too.
https://nybookeditors.com/2017/05/your-guide-to-wr...

Overall, a great story idea but needs some editing.

Regards,
Kim
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6
6
Review of The Moon  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello StephB Keeping Warm

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Enjoyable story! Nice descriptive work of the world and I surely liked the ending. You did a nice job using Alina to carry the story around.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*While Nicholas’ astronomy spire rose up to the heavens
*Bullet*I'm not sure "godds" is a most common way of spelling. You probably know better than I, but felt I should mention.

Overall, a very likable story.

Regards,
Kim
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7
7
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Jon Woodcrest

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

First of all, thank you for the readable font. The story was a good one, I only wished for description of the 'people' in the story. The ending was unexpected, I would have guessed something more peaceable.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*the wild beast that own the darkness of the dark rotation ~ Suggest 'night rotation".
*Bullet* It is like a dungeon.
*Bullet*He first wipes his face with his sleeve to rid of the drink residue before continuing. - Suggest "wipes the drink residue from his face"
*Bullet*Maybe Sevens luck has finally run out - Seven's

Overall, a great read.

Regards,
Kim
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8
8
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello PureSciFi - And the Oscar goes

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

There were a lot of interesting features in your story. The quakes, the destruction of their own planet and not knowing what is so near.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*around the planet of Vaungh near it as we continue our travels
*Bullet*But only one Triguon scraps and scratches his way toward Boriet ~ scraps / scrapes
*Bullet*So, we decided to use them to get to start living within Triguon.” ~ start / started?

Overall, a fun world build.

Regards,
Kim
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9
9
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Thankful Sonali fa-la-la-la!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

An amusing story! And now I crave a doughnut! Your king and queen characters were quite charming. And your little rhymes here and there were fun, this would be fun to read to a child.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*with a quick *Smirk2* at his own wit ('Bone' and 'oven' sort of rhyme. Sort of.) ~ No emoticons, please.
*Bullet*whichever spouse cooked, the other spouse (neither of the spice, actually) never complained. ~ I couldn't figure out what the spice comment meant.
*Bullet* (A giver-up, if you're worried about grammar at a time like this.) ~ It seems every aside in parenthesis is distracting and kind of irrelevant. Don't be tempted.

Overall, a cute story for the image prompt, it had me smiling.

Regards,
Kim
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10
10
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Darleen - Queen Krampus 🌙

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

What a wonderful celestial love story. I wondered all through the story what the Sun's secrets were and was delighted with your reveal. I could see telling this story to children around a campfire.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*every summer, that he'd nearly cave to her charms, but then he'd realize his mistake ~ caved / succumbed

Overall, loved your pretty story. Well done.

Regards,
Kim
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11
11
Review of The Castle Wakes  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello trailerpark bodhisattva

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Great story! Just the right amount of creepy and gore to keep a reader engaged. You did some clever work, having the bartender and old patron tell your story. Very successful.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Intro Rated: Non-E --- your intro is E rated. This helps it stay on the public listings for reviews.
*Bullet*A smug smile crossed the nazi’s face. ~ Since the word is in reference to the party, it should be capitalized.

Overall, a well-crafted story. I enjoyed.

Regards,
Kim
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12
12
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello laurie-razo

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

I liked your basis of this story, a shared tragedy, but it got a little murky as the story proceeded. Then the final twist as you brought God into the story became confusing.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Review the rules for punctuation and capitalization in dialog, you'll need to do some editing.
*Bullet*I'm not sure why you chose to bring Shauna in as the narrator of the last part of the story, I felt it confused things more.

Overall, with some heavy editing, this will be a good story.

Regards,
Kim
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13
13
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello PureSciFi - And the Oscar goes

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!

I liked your world building and the Lycon race, very interesting. I was disappointed that the story did not return from the flashback to the conversation with JaCia. Perhaps you ran out of word count?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Dorrin started taping the top of his tabletop" + "as he started taping again" ~ I think you meant "tapping".
*Bullet*"Dorrin looked up at the two white-dotted-gray circles that looked like oval eyes because they are that close together." ~ I made the assumption those were moons.
*Bullet*"He followed the path image and he did find it." ~ Better if read "and found it"
*Bullet*The last paragraph told the reader about Dorrin, better to show them.

Overall, a fascinating read.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


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14
14
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Graham B.

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!

I loved the fast paced action in this story! The superhero's teamwork really shone through in this work. You did a nice job showing the humanistic character of the superheros.

A suggestion for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*As I'm not familiar with the superhero characters, I think it would be helpful to show only the superhero names in the beginning of the story during the battle, then reveal their "normal" names in the wrap up dialog.

Overall, a fun story with a great message.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


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15
15
Review of Rainbow's End  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello 🌙 HuntersMoon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!

I enjoyed your character introduction at the beginning of the story. You kept it simple and clear. I thought it was cool you gave Elegua human characteristic, the ability to decide fate. The ending was a delight to read.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The ending scene felt a little rushed, some details to deliciously savor would have been great.

Overall, as always, a delight to read your work.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


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16
16
Review of Remission List  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Rhyssa

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!

I have to say, you did a great job at tugging on my heartstrings. I got choked up reading this story. What a fantastic portrayal of a couple and their challenge. The best part of the work was how you managed to convey emotion in the dialog without too much description. Very well done.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*!

Overall, a lovely story.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of For the Snow  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello sdv413

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest. Thanks for entering!

This was certainly a sad and conflicted story. How awful to lose family members in so close a time. I'm not sure how I felt about the ended, why Carrie was not angry about Scott's infidelity.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"returned home to Virginia Beach, then he had left her."
*Bullet*Add line breaks between paragraphs.

Overall,

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


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18
18
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Nyarlathotep Twelfth Month

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
Ack! I wanted more! Always a compliment to an author, isn't it? The question is, what happened? You painted your scene very well and I could see your character, but what happens next? You had word count, you hinted, I made assumptions but I hope you continue the story.


Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"sleeping in caves and hunting rabbits and the occasional coyote" then "Jeremiah Halkon wondered if he would encounter a woolly mammoth, or perhaps a saber-tooth tiger. But there was nothing: no wildlife," - A bit of a conflict. If he was going in and out of the caves for food, when did the desert appear?

Overall, great story!

Regards,
Kim
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19
19
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Christopher Eastman-Nagle

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
I found this a very richly written short. You did a great job of describing the scene and connecting your reader with Rosemary and her plight, and Jussuf and his moral dilemma. Until the reader gets part way into the story, it could just as well be set in ancient times. The only part of the story that made me twist and reread were the political commentary woven into the story. Had she made comparisons to North African politics and her beliefs, they would have fit. I felt like they were almost out of place, like you were trying to make a subliminal point in the story. I feel the main point, of her making that choice, was overshadowed at the end by the political comments.
As we say, just my opinion.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"None of the gang take any notice of the water carrier, for where can she run in this forsaken but now guarded place, once a busy imperial hub on the southern coast of the Roman sea, full of the shouts of traders, the clatter of wheels and horses, greetings across the street, women singing as they put out the washing on their verandahs and masters berating lazy apprentices….. ?" ~ Suggest breaking up into a few sentences.

Overall, a fascinating story.

Regards,
Kim
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20
20
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Paul D

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
Great story! I guess I expected something different when I was reading, thinking the shadow was merely a ghost trying to help with the dig. So I enjoyed the twist at the end. The only thing that threw me off was the shadow being able to be out and interacting with Jennifer, when opening the box actually released it. Why is she responsible?

A suggestion for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*She hurried forward. When he saw her, he shouted, “Why you?” ~ This seemed to me like Mark was also being guided, although it was never implicated.

Overall, a good read.

Regards,
Kim
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21
21
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Chris24

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
Loved this story! You did a superb job detailing all the steps toward the final discovery. It was also a pleasure to meet the characters with enough dialog that the reader didn't feel as though the setting was an info dump. I could feel the archeologist's excitement as the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*: The story stands well on its own.

Overall, a great story.

Regards,
Kim
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22
22
Review of Resting Stone  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Hello Sorji, NaNo WRiMo Winner

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
I liked this story idea. The writing felt a little distanced from the characters, as though viewed as a movie. The images were good but the story lacked emotion and personality.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"fell like reeds in the wind of the storm" ~ Love the image, suggest "fell like broken reeds in a storm"
*Bullet*"One might say they were in the wrong place at the wrong time when they came in the night" ~ Identify "they", name the tribes perhaps.
*Bullet*"Everything we had built was ruined."

Overall, a good start.

Regards,
Kim
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23
23
Review of Respawn  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Royal Eduardo

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
Great story, loved the twist at the end. I liked the premise that it was painful to respawn, a price to pay even if you're a machine.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"This must all be confusing for someone that is not part of my world." ~ Suggest "All of this must be confusing for someone not of my world."
*Bullet*"I was supposed to take rid the world of criminals."

Overall, great write.

Regards,
Kim
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24
24
Review of KAOS  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Mr. Makepeace

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
The idea for this story was great, I was disappointed in the lack of dialog. Perhaps once the contest is over you can edit this to add dialog between the confused warriors. The ending was amusing.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Suggest line breaks between paragraphs. A big block is hard to read.

Overall, a wonderful start.

Regards,
Kim
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of An Unknown Past  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello PureSciFi - And the Oscar goes

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!
I liked your story idea, but I think it got lost in your repetition of details in descriptions. I'd suggest keep writing about your story and then begin to take out the less important details and add more dialog.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"The rounded square corners and about two inches square" ~ redundant and confusing. The whole paragraph needs to be more concise.
*Bullet*"There obviously was looking at that." ~ Suggest "Obviously, there was."
*Bullet*You have a lot of unneeded random capitalizations like Sleeping Chamber, Outerwear.

Overall, great start.

Regards,
Kim
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