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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain
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1,388 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Oh Brother  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Bob's Skull Sweat

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp!
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments: A cute story, ones I'm sure a lot of those having tree forts and clubhouses can relate to. In my yard, the kids often saw the cat as the intruder, who ended up in a cardboard box 'jail'.

Suggestions: *Cut*
*Bullet*I was a little confused at first, I have a female friend named Margo.
*Bullet*"future night for me and my bo" - bo / beau

Overall: Clever story for the prompt words.

Writer's Cramp!


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2
2
Review of On an Island  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Zhen

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp!
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments: You painted a lovely picture of the whirling and dancing dervish. I thought it clever how you twisted it to become a repair.

Suggestions: *Cut*
*Bullet*Line 6 - "old'", suggest no apostrophe.

Overall: Creative use of the prompt words.

Writer's Cramp!


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3
3
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Strange Brain

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp!
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments: I like your dream! I hope its a good dream for you. I get seasick, so this wouldn't be for me. The poor pirates would have to deal with an ill captive. They'd probably toss me overboard.

Suggestions: *Cut*
*Bullet*"obsidian black flag" - black and obsidian are redundant

Overall: A fun dream to have while chopping wood and swatting flies.

Writer's Cramp!


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4
4
Review of Detachment  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello JustaThought

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp!
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments: I can totally see this happening! And I loved the irony of trying to disconnect Ray from the grid and then using a smartphone to look up bird house videos. Too funny!

Suggestions: *Cut*
*Bullet*Random caps: Comfy, Garage, Axe, Raised, Bird
*Bullet*" his glass eyes darting around the room." - I think you meant 'glassy' condition from the video game.

Overall: A charming and amusing story, with an ironic lesson.

Writer's Cramp!


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5
5
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello sindbad

I loved this! This would make an awesome meme on Facebook! *Laugh* I know...it was supposed to be ironic! A lot of these were true for the US, too.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*I didn't understand "...poor ones could only afford it (rubbish fish) if they needed it."
*Bullet*Little typo space "Well,most of us!" Not a big deal.

Overall, amusing yet so true!


Regards,
Kim

Just do it!


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6
6
Review of Al Hager  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lou-Here By His Grace

This was really beautiful. I liked how you first viewed your friend as just a kid that worked with you, then moving to your friendship and your admiration of his tenacity.


Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*trying to do what I did, ~ Suggest period instead of comma.
*Bullet*Perhaps a line break after the sixth line.
*Bullet*always a smile on your face. ~ Suggest "with" instead of "always"

Overall, a very moving write.


Regards,
Kim

Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Happy to write }

Staying at home is creating all kinds of new adventures for people, even with a crockpot! The recipe you did sounds really delicious.


Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Breaking this up with an intro about the crockpot / perhaps a recipe that you used / what steps you took / perhaps how it turned out and tasted

Overall, sounded yummy!


Regards,
Kim

Stop in my portfolio!


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8
8
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Zombie Hanging In Here & There

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Some great sci-fi reading. I could almost hear a little sarcasm in the AI's voice. The dialog was very interesting. I wasn't sure about the ellipsis blank dialog. It didn't seem to add or take away from the rest of the conversations. The ending was a surprise, after all the set up, that it would be the wrong person.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*I only suggest some thought about the blank dialong.


Overall, a great read, I could see this as a series of stories.

Regards,
Kim
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9
9
Review of Winning Streak  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Myles Abroad

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Spellbinding story! You did an excellent job of weaving the prompt into the tale without being obvious. The seer/gypsy was a great character with the spark and I loved how the ending had a special twist. Well done!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Strangling the steering, I yell," ~ Suggest 'wheel' instead of 'steering'.

Overall, a fun read.

Regards,
Kim
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10
10
Review of Chance Happenings  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello debmiller1

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

This story had all the essentials. It had the story arc, suspense, suspicion, surprise...lots of goodies. Moving the server was a good way to wrap up the ending. The only thing I could possibly relate to the photo prompt was if I imagined the area behind the man in the mask as the server room.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"the New Business application server" ~ were the capitals necessary?
*Bullet* *** ~ Divider not necessary. You start the next sentence with "As the days passed"
*Bullet*"I don’t start for another 3minutes" ~ 'three minutes'

Overall, a good office mystery.

Regards,
Kim
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11
11
Review of Game over  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello K.HBey

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

A lovely story of friendship, gambling and survival. I like how despite Andrew's faults, he cares for his friends and family and deserved their happy ending. The context of some of your sentences were not written in an English/American way, but I understood their meaning and think you did well as this is a second language.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Both of them and their son gilbert arrive to survive." ~ Gilbert
*Bullet*"Andrew stars a new life there." ~ starts

Overall, a nice story

Regards,
Kim
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12
12
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Graham B.

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Fantastic story! Certainly not the ending I anticipated when I first read it. I enjoyed the 'Dealer of Souls' character and the description of the three years of 'wealth'. You gave your reader a happy ending without excess.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"culminating with liaisons with supermodels" ~ Suggest: culminating in liaisons with supermodels

Overall, well written and a great ending.

Regards,
Kim
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13
13
Review of Ace in the Hole  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Drake

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Sorry your story did not qualify because of a missing word count. The story started out with a typical Vegas scene, who knew Jack was a profiler? When you have time to edit, I'd love to 'see' more of the tornado scene and what happened the next day.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"He was the typical fill in guy type for what a woman looks for." ~ Suggest: He was the typical fun guy a woman looks for.
*Bullet*"Mr. man noticed with an arched eyebrow" ~ Suggest: The man noticed

Overall, an interesting scene in the story.

Regards,
Kim
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14
14
Review of Moon Cathedral  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Beholden

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Love this take on the image prompt. I liked the pace of the story and the unique ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only thing I got lost on was whether there was connection to the moon's appearance and what happened at the end. Were the sliver threads forming symbols part of the moonlight?
*Bullet*This was a control room of some sort.

Overall, great story!

Regards,
Kim
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15
15
Review of I Owe You My All  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello vick04049186

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

I liked how you wound the characters around the castle, nice work!

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*piece of clay fastened into a sturdy cup. -- fastened / fashioned
*Bullet*young man was notorious like you for pushing his jet-black shoulder length curly hair from his face -- suggest a different word than notorious
*Bullet*assisted his lover with his choirs so he could accompany him -- choirs / chores
*Bullet* He watches his son kiss the young stable hand turned cook in shear anger. -- grammar, suggest "Watches in sheer anger as his son kisses the stable hand turned cook.
*Bullet*chops off the branch of the oak moments for its able to slam it down on Beau - moments before the tree is able to slam the branch down on Beau
*Bullet*Yes. I will make us dinner. It's the least I can do. I owe you my life. -- Is this where your title comes from?

Overall, some editing and tightening of the story and this is grand tale.

Regards,
Kim
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16
16
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello hullabaloo22

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Some interesting dialog in the story but I was left wanting more information. Why was the girl at her cousin's? What is her name? This felt like just the beginning of a cool vampire story :)

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The asterisk dividers didn't seem necessary.

Overall, nice job working the features of the prompt photo into the story.

Regards,
Kim
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17
17
Review of The Angry Moon  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Quiltingmama

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Great story! You jumped right into the scene, built the past and wrapped it up with a pleasant ending. I liked the characters and Mike's sense of purpose.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line breaks between paragraphs to help keep place.
*Bullet*"In the brilliance of the full moon over his shoulder," ~ Suggest "moonlight".

Overall, A well crafted story.

Regards,
Kim
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18
18
Review of Ezel  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello K.HBey

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

This was an interesting story, unfortunately it was a difficult read due to all the information pushed at the reader. Also, the dialog as formatted was difficult to read.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*the peacocks. They set under the trees. - set / sit
*Bullet*There is a big crowd that is waiting to get tickets
*Bullet*sultan the king Othman the sixth. ~ Capitalize
*Bullet*It is at the topic of the mountain and seems to be haunted
*Bullet*Do not loose time the flight will leave from Istanbul ~ Loose / lose
*Bullet*Learn how to format dialog - here's some tips, too.
https://nybookeditors.com/2017/05/your-guide-to-wr...

Overall, a great story idea but needs some editing.

Regards,
Kim
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19
19
Review of The Moon  
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello SpookyBee

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Enjoyable story! Nice descriptive work of the world and I surely liked the ending. You did a nice job using Alina to carry the story around.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*While Nicholas’ astronomy spire rose up to the heavens
*Bullet*I'm not sure "godds" is a most common way of spelling. You probably know better than I, but felt I should mention.

Overall, a very likable story.

Regards,
Kim
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20
20
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello PureSciFi

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

There were a lot of interesting features in your story. The quakes, the destruction of their own planet and not knowing what is so near.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*around the planet of Vaungh near it as we continue our travels
*Bullet*But only one Triguon scraps and scratches his way toward Boriet ~ scraps / scrapes
*Bullet*So, we decided to use them to get to start living within Triguon.” ~ start / started?

Overall, a fun world build.

Regards,
Kim
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21
21
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Thankful Sonali I AM WRITING!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

An amusing story! And now I crave a doughnut! Your king and queen characters were quite charming. And your little rhymes here and there were fun, this would be fun to read to a child.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*with a quick *Smirk2* at his own wit ('Bone' and 'oven' sort of rhyme. Sort of.) ~ No emoticons, please.
*Bullet*whichever spouse cooked, the other spouse (neither of the spice, actually) never complained. ~ I couldn't figure out what the spice comment meant.
*Bullet* (A giver-up, if you're worried about grammar at a time like this.) ~ It seems every aside in parenthesis is distracting and kind of irrelevant. Don't be tempted.

Overall, a cute story for the image prompt, it had me smiling.

Regards,
Kim
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22
22
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello 🌑 Queen of Darkness

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

What a wonderful celestial love story. I wondered all through the story what the Sun's secrets were and was delighted with your reveal. I could see telling this story to children around a campfire.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*every summer, that he'd nearly cave to her charms, but then he'd realize his mistake ~ caved / succumbed

Overall, loved your pretty story. Well done.

Regards,
Kim
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23
23
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello trailerpark bodhisattva

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

Great story! Just the right amount of creepy and gore to keep a reader engaged. You did some clever work, having the bartender and old patron tell your story. Very successful.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Intro Rated: Non-E --- your intro is E rated. This helps it stay on the public listings for reviews.
*Bullet*A smug smile crossed the nazi’s face. ~ Since the word is in reference to the party, it should be capitalized.

Overall, a well-crafted story. I enjoyed.

Regards,
Kim
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24
24
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello laurie-razo

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

I liked your basis of this story, a shared tragedy, but it got a little murky as the story proceeded. Then the final twist as you brought God into the story became confusing.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Review the rules for punctuation and capitalization in dialog, you'll need to do some editing.
*Bullet*I'm not sure why you chose to bring Shauna in as the narrator of the last part of the story, I felt it confused things more.

Overall, with some heavy editing, this will be a good story.

Regards,
Kim
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25
25
Review by Legerdemaim
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Apologue

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. Thanks for entering!

So sorry this was disqualified. Your characters, the four friends were interesting to meet. The stuttering dialog was well done, not annoying.
I was a bit disappointed with the ending. Bored?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*he’d be the won to pull it out from his pockets ~ won / one

Overall, great ideas and I hope you enter the site contests again.

Regards,
Kim
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