I sat on the edge of my bed with tears rolling down my face. My thoughts became blank while I stared into space. I was a failure, a sinner, invincible to the world. I was a motherless girl. I sat for almost an hour, but all I could do was cry. Then the thought came, "I want to die." I lost track of time. Everything became silent you couldn't hear the drop of a dime. I rose to my feet, my body filling with chills. Slowly I walked to the bathroom hearing my heartbeat,. I reached for the drawer to pull out a razor, a shock ran through my body. I picked up the blade and sat on the floor, staring at my wrist, my back pushed up against the door. I pressed deep against my wrist my soul became still, Blood slowly running down my hand, my skin began to peel. My body went numb and my blood ran hot. I slit deeper into another spot. The tips of my fingers began to tremble while I watched my blood drain. Nothing hurt worst than my unspoken, hidden pain, Within minutes my heartbeat thumped to a slow. I continued to cut deeper in a row across my wrist.I made my final cut and my heart stayed still. I was not a burden to the world. My dream was made real..
I hope you don't mind me rewriting your work. I wanted to show you how, with out the as, etc. it can be done.
Varunika, I like this poem. I have read it three times. I assume "His" is the kinfolk/owner of the eatery?
The one thing I would change is making the i a capital I - in your heading. Other than that I believe it is written very well. You explain who he is and why he is there and what is happening to him. Poor little chap.
What a deep, honest poem you have written. It touches me in more ways than you can imagine. You should continue your writing as it will help your moods. You too are a gifted writer so continue the good work.
Scarlett, I love your story. I am so glad you overcame TB. Keep up the great work!
I only have a few suggestions. You can use them or forget them! LOL!
2nd paragraph -That first day - I would rework this sentence as it sounds a bit off. Suggestion - "that first day of term, on a cold January morning, I boarded a bus for a forty minute journey to my new place of employment, and I admit to being terrified.
paragraph 4 - My first class was a group of over forty, eight and nine-year olds. Note the comma (at first I thought it was 48 and 49 year olds.
paragraph 5 - The staff were a mixed group; mainly women of all ages.
Keep on writing as you do very well at this. Lynda with a y
Ruthy, how did you become so wise? This is a great article and many should read it. The writing is good, the tips are great and I wish you well in you well in your future writings., Write on!
Little Kelly, hi! You need to change your title. Everything else is absolutely wonderful. I love the poem. I am not an expert on poems, but I know what I like and this one I do. Keep up the great writing.
Hi Raven! You have a very touching story with a moral. I loved it. There are some things I need to comment on. These are my opinion only and you can use them or leave them.
First and foremost - double space. It is so hard to read when this is not done.
Now for your story, 2nd line - The street light dims in illumination and the cars provide the only light worth using. (This is the way I would construct the sentence.
What I want you to do is read it out loud to your self or have a friend read it out loud to you. This way you will find the obvious word changes, etc. Example: The smell of vendor food carts.....flows better
Be careful of repetition. Example: sidewalk with a sign speaking.. Sounds of people speaking ( talking) Or The streets are populated with random people in nice suits and ties, talking on their phones. See how this flows?
There are multiple changes that need to be made and I know you will find them when you read it out loud. Don't forget - DOUBLE SPACE FOR THE READER. When you have reworked your story I would love to read it again. Please look me up so I can. Lynda with a Y
You have a good story. You just need a little tweaking. Double space your writing so the reader can read it easier than in this format.
Don't use "gotten" bad grammar. Say got. You need to shorten your sentences. It makes for better reading. Example: storms during April, but rarely....
it rumbled through the house, to the point (drop where) I'd moved my playing where my sisters were located. (drop elsewhere and to)
they were watching the news when I got there. (period) I didn't understand what the man, with the bald head, (note the commas) on the screen was saying.....
2nd paragraph - The storm rumbled on, (note comma) but after a while, my sisters' composure helped me relax. (note commas)
The sound of mother calling us out of our room broke the tranquility. (period) My sisters and I scrambled to where she was. (New sentence)
When I got older, I found out mother was so scared of the sound from the storm, she dropped me on the steps and ran to the basement without me. (note how I have changed this a bit)
My sister found me in the same spot on the steps crying. (Let out the comma)
Drop as many that's as you can. They are useless words. I realize we need them sometimes, but not all the time. Rea read and take them out.
2nd paragraph - 2nd line - drop somewhere
3rd line- drop, back then
5th - drop that
7th - drop that
I didn't lose him, but in truth... (drop again) and drop just
We made it downstairs in one piece. Not long after the power came on. (Note the changes)
lightening struck an electrical.......
These writings are only to help you. You can use them or leave them.
Good writing on a story. Keep up the good work and Keep on Writing!
Gosh, for this to be one of the first in using English, you have done well my friend. I have a few comments and I hope they will help. You do not have to use them, you can ignore if you wish.
First stanza - 6th line - take out to
Second stanza - Put a period after pain. Drop the word just, as it is a useless word. Also what do you mean by "in a forms"? do you mean in a form?
Add period after play.
Third stanza - "for a moment when I stopped believe. Do you mean stopped to believe? Or stopped believing; believed?
Fourth stanza - Drop just, capitalize nothing. Drop just and put a period at the end of now sway.
Great writing! Keep up the good work. Lynda with a Y
This is so well written. Even though I am a Christian and have read the bible, your writing has taught me much. I see nothing that I would change. Keep up the very good writing!
I really liked your story and article. It is very good and very important to many, many people with the same illness. I speak from experience as a parent of a bipolar daughter. Unfortunately we don't speak. She has completely withdrawn from this family. She does have a support. Her ex-husband has been helping here as much as her can and we are forever grateful to him.
I do have a few comments on your writing. I think after excellent book, you need a comma and the title needs to be in quote.
2nd line: Last from, change to "to" because from is a repeat word. 3rd line: As is OK in the third sentence but I believe when would sound better,
4th line: take out "I convince myself that" and put "convinced my illness".
2nd paragraph - 2nd line - comman after television, or playing video.... in the 3rd, 4th and 5th lines remove "that." In any part of your story remove all of te "that's" These are useless words and are only used when it is necessary.
5th paragraph - remove "that's) Listen to this "sadly, this tends to increase those feelings we are a burdens to others, and we are somehow>" Doesn't it flow ?
Paragraph 6th - Remove that and more. What kind of social support system do you mean? Going out with friends or family? Describe this. We want to know.
Paragraph 7 - remove that
Paragraph 9 - Remove just - it is another one of the useless words.
Maria, you can take or leave these suggestions. I am only here to help. You have a beautiful gift and I can tell you are very intelligent. WRITE ON!
Death is not always quick like people think it is. Just because you are being hung by the neck doesn't mean the neck will break and you will be gone. There are many that linger choking , wetting themselves, messing themselves and praying to God to take them.
All they wanted was a loaf of bread to feed their children and wives. They didn't see the grocery man watching them. He had asked a policeman to stand out of sight so they could catch the thieves. And they did. It didn't matter to the Judge it was only a loaf of bread for their family, and he condemned the to the scaffolds.
As they fell, they look at each other and wink. they knew they were gong to their lord and to heaven as we know it. There was no wrong. It was a hard death, but they glorified in it, because Jesus was standing and waiting for them.
I am assuming this is what you want???? The two sentences above show nothing but what our imagination gives us. Where is your story?
I am so glad you said sometimes a broken heart can never be heeled. When we lost our daughter, a,hold came into my heart and I have never been the same. Now my precious daughter-in-law is in hospice. She and my daughter went to school together and they were the same age. She married my son much later. I talked with her off and on, and we visited when she was in the hospital here. When they transferred her to downtown in the Medical Center we were ABLE TO SEE HER ONCE AND SHE HAD SLIPPED INTO A COMA. I guess that is how it goes.
Now after giving you all of that mess, I have to tell you, your short story was excellent, heart warming and personal. I would not change one thing about it. And, yes, you will always have a hole in your heart for him. Lynda with a Y
I really like what you are doing. I believe it will increase your people bunches. Please let me know if I can do anything and did you receive the gifts I sent you.
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