What a great little story! It sounds like a prologue to me. I have read it several times and the only thing I would change is the sentence "The whirring stopped. The computer couldn't play the games anymore. I would take it out as we already know who it is" Great job! Keep on writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I would like to comment on this more, but, who is he and what is flats??Who is the person everyone is ignoring? Is it the bench? Has a bird pooped on it, h=therefore no one is wanting to sit there? Interesting, but needs a bit more to tell the reader what is going on. Very well written, but needs more explanation. Change it up some.
This is only my personal explanation and critique. Take it or leave it.
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
WOW! I like this poem. It is so interesting and wonderful all in the same context. I have no critiques for you as I think it is so good. Keep up this beautiful writing and I look forward to reading more from you.
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower
** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I think you have a beautiful poem and I like the way it rhymes.
In the very first sentence, do you mean dear instead of clear? Clear does not make sense to me. (Just me, doesn't mean it would not make sense to others)
Any time you use i, it should be capitalized like I.
Fourth stanza, lie. shouldn't you use it only once.
Sixth stanza, too many words and it seem to break the flow. I would rewrite it.
Last stanza - get rid of got what life has for us in it's store.
Use your commas and apostrophes.
I really love your poem. You have a gift. Keep on writing.
Hi! I have read your story and I think the story itself is very good. I did notice that you have not spaced your paragraphs apart and it makes it difficult to read. (Not to worry-I did the same thing in the beginning.) It is important when you have someone talking. to be sure you separate them from the rest.
Example: I felt someone next to me.
"May I....sit here?" I hope that makes sense. You also have some spelling errors, or left out words. Read your story out loud to yourself. This is when you will catch a bunch of errors. Don't forget. Spacing is so important for reading your story. When someone talks they need to be separate from the rest.
You have a great story. I like it a lot. I would like to reread it when you correct your errors.
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
So very sad a story. It is unfortunate that it happens all too often. I would suggest you put he in several places instead of Daniel all of the time. It would not hurt to read it out loud and take out the words such as that. Rewrite your story using caution on sentences. It is a good story and needs to be told over and over.
ooH! A bit dark I would say. But, that is what you are trying to do, so scared me. Only say two errors. One You say there knees when it should be their knees and in till should be until. Keep up the god writing.
Yes, this is how someone feels. Your writing is true to the mark. The loss of a spouse is awful. You have to stand strong. But, who am I to say. I have lost a child, but not a spouse. I am not sure how I would react. What I think is, I would pull my head into my arms and never come out again. I have to say, keep strong, you will make it. Only because I hope I will be the same. Beautiful, sad poem. Good writing as you convey it all to the reader.
I am sorry to hear about your knee problem. It sounds like you need a knee replacement. My husband waited too long, so when he got his replaced, he loved it. He is a very athletic person and nothing stops him now. Well, except that he is 73. LOL! Get it done!
I wish I knew more about poetry but I don't. What I do know is that I liked your poem. What i didn't like was the repeating of the same sentence. It seem out of place and yet as I read it again it was right. So, leaving it at that. I like your poem. Good luck in your writing and always keep it up.
Well, I loved your story and wanted more. You have quiet a way with the words. I have a few suggestions but take them or leave them.
2nd paragraph I would remove the "the road" - and would read like this: The carriage rode in a smooth continuous motion. Second sentence I would use it instead of the carriage again.
I would put; the journey had been long, but without : a comma needs to be there.
Last sentence: I would remove She was cold and unhappy to read Cold and unhappy. We already know it is the princess.
6th paragraph: The sun drove the dew the away should be drove the dew away. I am sure it was a typo like the many hundred I have done.11th paragraph/sentence -The King was obviously in rage. I would use "The King was obviously in a rage. Or enraged.
!@th paragraph/sentence You need quote marks after the Kind said, "His rage
This isn't very many errors, but I wanted you to know them. I like it when I am reviewed and someone points my errors, especially when I am tired and still writing, I tend to become very sloppy.
Anyway I really like the story, I was not satisfied with the ending because I wanted to know more.
Ken, even if this is short or a haiku, it is wonderful and has a presence about it. Lovely and the picture gives it the depth that you need.
Wonderful. Keep up the great writing.
This is wonderful! I don't know enough about poems to break all of it down and say, blah, blah about it, but I know what I like to hear and this is great.
I love it. Keep up this wonderful writing of yours.
I am still laughing as I think this was cute. I would like to hear this in its melody. Although, I think I can almost hear it now. Keep up you r limericks as they are wonderful.
I can feel the absoulute emptyness that you feel. You project this in your writing. It is the feeling of "What's next?" I think you did a good job of writing your feelings. I could see you adding what you expect next or that you are scared of what is next to come. What job you will have or will you have one at all. I feel like you have left something out. but, again, you let us know the emptyness that you feel or I should say the butterflies in your stomach kind of feeling that you have.
This is one of the best stories I have read. I liked the way you use the horror movies in your dialogue. I saw maybe two misspellings but we all do that sometimes.
Aww, I loved this. I have to say that I did not feel it was a poem, but a story.
A beautiful story of love and hardship. I can attest to the factl that children did not know they had nothing. They thought they had everything, And they did. Not like today whre everything is expected.
Great story even if it is an old one. I dont't think I would change one thing. Brings back memories for me. Don't change any of your writing. I am looking forward to going to your portfolio and reading more!
Lynda with a Y
The only reason I did not give you a #5 is that this should have been a story and not a poem.
Well, this grabbed me right off. Not to put a damper on this, but I had figured it out. I read a lot of mysteries. Either way, it is well written.
I think the person he fought is hikmself, but that is why you left it that way and that is why I think it is superb. Keep on writing, especially those mysteries!
And, the feeling is definitely there! What a beautiful poem. I feel it saysw a lot about you. There is nothing I would change. I wish I could write as well, but then, that is why I am with writing.com.
Lynda with a Y
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) It is important when you have someone talking. to be sure you separate them from the rest.