Hi! When I read the first stanza I wasn't sure I was going to like your poem, but when the second stanza began it was like music and bells to my ears. As I read on I felt a song in my heart. IN the end I felt a sadness that no one ever notices Silver, bit it makes the rest stand out and shine.
I'm still laughing! This is really funny and you would think this person would get it. College Grad, mmm.
My comments: It is well put together -
You need to take out a lot of the Is. Example: Off in the distance is a burning effigy of me. Look around and see how you can restructure sentences without using I.
I really like your story but it seems to be missing something. I'm not sure what it is, but as I said, take a look again at your story and try to look at it from my POV.
I hope to read this again after you have tighten it up.
What a great story. It is so well written. No wonder you won. I can see where this could lead into a longer story/book. Congratulations! And keep up the great writing.
How beautiful this is. It brought so many emotions to my mind. Three years ago I lost my daughter. Five months later I lost my sister and five months after that I lost my cousin whom I grew up with. She was the 2nd sister I had, Tears still come to my eyes when I read a beautiful poem like yours. Your are a wonderful writer.
Wonderful! I could see all the players and how very cute they are. What a great picture book this will make. Is that what you intended? If not, think about it and enter it in contest. Good job! Keep up the great writing.
Hi Bob! You have a good start to a great story here. A few suggestions. First you need to space the paragraphs. This makes it easier to read. I can't tell you how many times I have been told that. I think I have it down now. LOL! OK, here we go.
1st paragraph, 1st sentence. drop whiles a and put of pure white sheets of snow - then you have to change glistened to glistening and twinkled to twinkling. 2nd sentence a coma is needed after crystals, the put and instead of while. End this with barely seen. Begin with The flower beds were frozen. drop had become. Next sentence drop as and became. Next add a coma after tranquil. then space for the next paragraph.
Start with IN the hospital yard. 3rd sentence drop were; as in and overgrown grass with traces of stucco. Last sentence - desolated look which was only... drop "to it."
Next paragraph ( with space between) - Remnants of piled (what?) were in heaps. drop which. the sentence with Men in blue dressing-gowns were sitting down and placing their heads onto the monotonous, white-colored walls. (add period) Question? why not tables?? why walls. If no tables then say so. New sentence - These were the lunatics. I would say "surrounding them was a stench of smouldering wicks, smoke and ammonia. Start new paragraph -
First sentence, drop mental and drop - that there were - then drop lunatic as it is repeating. we all know they are crazy. Take out that he was a religious man as it doesn't matter the way you have written this. I would put the description of him after you introduce him into the story. then add that he had not taken any new cases. His face looked surly with all his scars and his eyes were small and had a dull look to them. (Only a suggestion) His nose was red and shiny like the....He was scraggy with a paralyzed arm that swayed aimlessly back and forth when he walked. New paragraph - Drop new and follow with named Law.....period He was tall and thin with a slight stoop. Then put about his skin here. He wore a mournful, haggard look......He came for help from the doctor, but the clock struck thrice and the doctor headed for the door. (question - did he leave the drunk outside and not answer the door? Where and what happen to the drunk?) Finish the paragraph about leaving before the sun set and clean up this last paragraph. (Oh, instead of barely illuminated how about less than illuminated?
I hope this helps. Take it or leave it as you wish. Just tighten up your story and it will be fantastic. Keep up the good writing.
I really like your story, but there are some things you need to be aware of. I am going to go paragraph by paragraph.
1st paragraph - First sentence should end at student. Next sentence should start with "Barely graduated, AND with little to no people skills, or regard for their well being in general. I have added "and", then dropped peoples as it repeats the word. Next sentence take out "literally" as this is repetitive. Your last sentence put a period at the end of reward. Drop the rest.
Next line - When the hell did this happen? You do not need the exclamation point as those reading will get it.
2nd paragraph - Drop the beginning and start with WE need to go back..... Next sentence, drop "just." and end the sentence at years old. Start with I actually and drop the word "that." Just and that are useless words. Sometime we have to use them, but try really hard not to.
3rd paragraph - First sentence drop When I was and start with Just a few months before.... (This is one of the times you can use the word "just." ) Capitalize Western. Next sentence end it with afford. Begin with My parents. Drop simply. Space between Washington. I - Again drop "just." and add a period at the end of dad. There should be no coma between thought this would be good. Start with My new
4th paragraph - Capitalize That - End the 2nd sentence with detail. Begin with " I remember. add "my" muscles "were" tense and sore and end with hours, while, etc. Question. with the sentence about your mom comforting you whenever you had nightmares - does this mean you had them often? Maybe you want to rethink that sentence. Or you could drop "whenever..... Next sentence drop that. Capitalize This and drop "process," the coma and "single," ending it with 12. Start with "When - drop that and add the - then drop and add s to nightmare Next sentence but I did notice one thing. (Simple sentence) Next sentence - drop "wasn't just a nightmare they were all. Ever nightmare I had linked together like one giant horrible..... - Next sentence - drop "always." Capitalize On and drop the s on seems - Next drop "still." and add a period after talk. Start with That was when I realized, not only was something, etc. - but it didn't care how young and innocent her was. Drop are and still. Instead of assailing use assaulting.
Last paragraph - Capitalize As, add and I grew older, my parents "had" more children, drop and and start with I realized Lewis, my brother, and drtop also Begin next sentence with capital He drop that and use which correct to to of focus end with reduce. Begin with Clinically and put but he had enough sight - drop that where he could - drop can Next sentence "he" still seems to notice things I didn't for another couple of year.
My question for the ending is; Believed what? Why? You don't explain how your life ended up. You left the reader with too many questions.
This is a good story, you need to tighten it up and that is why I put a lot of effort into showing you how. I do hope this helps, however you can take use it or leave it. It is up to you.
What a great little story you have written. There isn't one thing I would change about this. You keep up the great work and I will see more of your writing I hope.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I love this story and want to read more! Good writing. Only a few suggestions:
2nd paragraph - - 2nd sentence - drop almost. - drop down to the sentence "But he did have the most incredible eyes." I would delete "But" and end the sentence with eyes. Start new sentence "They we re light brown"
Go to paragraph that has "I turned back to my blank laptop screen - drop down to I remembered clearly - I would reverse that and say "clearly remembered"
double check using the word "that" and cut out as many as you can. Useless word. Sometimes we have to use it but not all the time.
Paragraph beginning with "So I settled in to work on" - 2nd sentence - use "given the" instead of "that" and drop that in the next part "know this story was.."
Paragraph beginning "My mom told me early on - drop "that" - the sentence with "horrible thing to tell a six year old, but - add "it" Further down delete the two "thats" in the sentences. End the sentence "I made a decision right then. I was going to expose" Read on down as there are some more "that" you can remove. Once again - GREAT STORY.
My suggestions are only to help. You can take or leave these suggestions. You are a very good writer. Keep up the good work.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
Hi JeanMichelle. I read your story and it is good. There are a few things you need to do.
I would take as many that's and just, out of your writing. They are wasted words. I find myself doing the same thing still, even when I know it isn't good.
Your first paragraph, last sentence can be dropped as you have already said the same thing in the beginning.
2nd paragraph I would change thrown to given. At first glance it sounds like they are being thrown somewhere. Where you have "That changed quickly, though, because he..." I would eliminate though.
3rd paragraph. I would rework the second sentence and leave out of the the abouts. (That is repeating the word)
down where you say "I decided to tell he but wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to say. You need a comma after but and again you repeat. Just end the sentence with wasn't sure hwo to say it.
Where you have "Was I finally going to hear what I had waited for almost nine months to hear? Drop the "For almost.
4th paragraph - Last sentence - Make it a stand alone after the I told you this though. And you can get rid of "though".
5th paragraph - I would use jolt instead of kick and take out "to me". And again there are a few thats and just.
I hope this will be of help to you. It will tighten your story up. I look forward to reading more from you. Keep on writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
How wonderful the poem and the gift from God. I find no reason to change anything. It is very precious. Would you dome a favor? When she is 14 or 15, would you write another poem for all of us? God Bless
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I really like this poem. I think the writing (and I mean literally) should be straighten up but the poem itself is great. I would not change anything but the first stanza - I think you mean stop instead of stoop. I can be wrong. Great job. Keep writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
Dear Hart. I have read your writing and it has left me in wonderment, thinking and spellbound. It is beautiful. What a gift you have. I found nothing to change as you have written this piece so very well. Keep up this wonderful writing of yours.
I like your story, but I am having a hard time relating the first paragraph to the second. They seem to have nothing i common. I would have picked one or the other and written more about it. I realize that you tried to tye it together with "Now i sit upon mu bed of smoke....." But it still does not relate, at least to me, what this is all about. With that said and done, each paragraph in its' own right is very good. So, take or leave my notations. With the two paragraphs I can tell you will be an excellent writer!
This is a good scary story. I really like it. Next time be sure to space your paragraphs as it makes it easier to read. I am going to have to run but will reread this again and come back and give you a full rundown, if there is any, for you. In the meantime from what I have read I think is it very good. Have a great Memorial Day.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I really like your poem. I think I would rework lines 4- 7. ONly because it jumps from the coyote to him. I don't know. It just doesn't flow there. I loved the beginning. It is so beautiful. Take or leave what I have said. But, whatever, keep up the great writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
First off I hope you have gotten over your fear of the dentist. LOL!
OK, 3rd paragraph -" my eyes slowly open seeing a man hovering"
"With a sigh of relief I respond to my mom" and last but not least "I swore to myself that day, I would never go to a dentist again." This last part I would keep as a complete sentence. These are the only corrections I saw that needed to be made. Great job and such a very for real story! Funny and yet not so funny for little ones.
Great job. Keep on writing!
Lynda with a Y - ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
A truly beautiful poem. Very well written. I read it several times and found nothing I would change. Keep up the great work! Your writing is wonderful.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
Hello R.G. Hosman. I like you story very much. It is very interesting and mystical. As for suggestions: Get rid of as many "thats" as you can.
In the first paragrah you mention at the las, which of the two happened. There seemed to be more than two incidences. 2nd paragraph here should be hear. At the end of static you need a semi colon. Also put a space between - could not tell/female-
Get rid of the just. All of these that and just sometimes as, get all blog down.
4th paragraph - rewrite this sentence. Let him pull into the parking lot at the intersection, answer the phone then hear the horrible accident. Last sentence ad should be and. These are only suggestions to help you with. I used "that" so much my critique group wanted to throw me out. These are dead words. Sometimes you just have to use that.
This really is a great story.
Good luck to you and keep on writing!
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower {image1920904-25%}
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