I love the imagery & metaphors in this! Very vivid- I feel like I was there.
I'd like to see you play with the grammar a bit- don't be so tied to conventional grammar. Especially in a free verse, feel free to write in phrases rather than in full sentences. Poetic license and all that...
In case you're wondering, you have my vote for membership in Poetry Ring!
For just "whimsy" and "fun", this is very fine poetry! You think like a true poet if even your little ditties are this good. I especially liked your use of repetition of "yet here again." I would, however, have liked to see you use it in the last stanza for consistancy.
Very very fine imagery. You write prose with the heart of a poet!
I found the jump from seven to forty-nine too abrupt, though- I'd like to see you either relate some intermediary steps, or write a linking paragraph between the last two paragraphs. Also, the level of detail in the forty-nine yr, old's perspective didn't match the four or seven year old's. Isn't that odd, that the old perspective would be more intense for you, more immediate, than the now??? Is it that in youth we live in now, but in middle age we keep looking back? Anyway, I'd like to see the last paragraph match the tone of the first two.
Aargh! I read this too glibly, sure that it would be a simple thing to compare this with the exquisite, short original it was based on. Now I can't decide which one I like best!
This is masterful- especially the way you use rhyme, as if your very thoughts are poetry.
I like this one specifically because it leaves so much unsaid. But I like the short one because, despite such few words, it says it all.
In the final analysis, I guess I like the short one the best still, but that's because this control freak is bothered by what she doesn't understand. That's why this one is going to haunt me....
Very rich, very sad tone. It makes me wonder about the story behind this. I was attracted to it by your short description, being a parent in that painful amputation of learning not to be needed. But I didn't recognize the despair I read here. I have a lot of regrets about how cut off I am right now from the one that has left home, but not the final sorrow I find in this poem. Perhaps it is that I am too new at this, and still hold hope that it will get better with time, as we both learn to live with our new roles.
Have you lost your sons? Let me say this: if this poem comes from estrangement from them, hold onto hope. They may come home some day, prodigals coming to their senses.
If they have died, I'd like to see you write a tribute poem about the joyful memories. Those memories glimmer under the ice of this poem's sorrow.
I really like your imagery here- lines like now watch as Iron City grows in the dusty soil or and inside the buildings old, that the shelling pierced and holed.
While I liked the rhyme within the lines, the ABCB rhyme scheme felt a bit forced & sing-songy- almost a limerick feel. It is somehow flippant, maybe, for such an otherwise-serious theme.
May I suggest that you consider applying for membership in The Poetry Ring. Your poetry is delightful and would be an excellent addition to our listing. You can check it out at
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Very informative! I'm glad you took a stand on this topic. One of my own daughters made the comment a while back that Writing.com had gotten too commercial. But I've checked out the reviews she gets on the site she's now using for her poetry, and you know what? She hardly gets any meaningful feedback at all!She lost a great resource when she quit participating here.
The gift point system is a fine way to motivate greater participation. For myself, I've never needed to buy gift points except to purchase my kids' upgrades, but the generosity of the members has meant that I always have gift points to give to others.
Other than adding family rates (would help those of us with big families ), I wouldn't change a thing!
Such a great mix of a child's view and adult introspection! I like everything about this poem! Your use of language is wonderful. I especially like that you maintained some punctuation, while feeling free to dispense with the unecessary stuff.
The line grasstreeskyhousegrass captured rolling down a hill perfectly! makes me want to go find a hill right now!
Usually I don't like the all-lower-case thing, but here it works: Not even enough ambition to bother with such convention. I say that as a compliment, not as a criticism here. The form fits the content so nicely. I also like the short lines, sparse descriptions- such a great definition of apathy! The emotion of this reminds me of one of my own poems:
Wow! I love the surprise ending! Your interplay between strong imagery and those frustratingly mysterious interruptions of dialogue kept me riveted to the very end (and I'm a short-poem woman myself- usually don't make it through a long piece without my mind wandering!) Using bold print was a fine device here- really helped keep it flowing without confusion.
I do wish you had left off the last two stanzas. The previous lines already tell your reader that a death has occurred, and the repetition of dialogue seems redundant. Of course, that's because for me it is the memories/emotions that have the last word over those inner dialogues that are such an important part of our coping with tragedy. Ending with the dialogue seemed so... disconnected from the real pain. Just my preference!
What an incredible poem of self-expression (can't think of a better way to say that!)! You take a simple description and turn it into an incredible metaphor of introspection. Very, very fine job! I'll be peeking at more in your port!
Now I'm at a loss as to which of your poems I like best! This one is something to chew on for a long time. Innocence lost. Reminds me of a poem (by Billy Collins or Ted Koosner?) about boys finding explicit playing cards. No child deserves that.
I'm so glad your brief description was so specific- the subtle way you deal with the real meaning of this would have been lost on me without it. But I wouldn't want you to include it in the poem. This is an example of a poem that must have an introduction!
I would kind of like you to split those long lines, though. Breaking them into phrases slows me down enough to taste it. Just my quirky preference!
I suppose I should let you know how I came upon your port. I signed up to participate in a Christmas giving forum
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and was randomly assigned a newbie: you. We were warned that occassionally it wouldn't be a good match, but in this case, I must say that it is I who have been gifted. I feel honored to have been able to read your poetry. You are just the sort of poet I like best: descriptive, real, metaphor-rich, short clean lines, no wasted words. And deep content. That's the best part.
I hope you will keep posting- there are some upgrade groups that could help you increase your portfolio size so you can post more. Let me know if you'd like help connecting with them!
Oh, and by the way- Merry Christmas! In my church tradition we are just getting started on the Christmas season, so this greeting isn't an after-thought!
The comment in your short description is what opened this poem up for me- thanks for challenging this old adult to look at the poem as a metaphor! Wonderful!
As someone embroiled in the very midst of parenting four teens, the repeated line Hold on, Let go rings in my heart. What to do, what to do?
Nice juxtaposition of two complex characters in the story. This was a good rendition of the movie characters. I like the short, clean lines, emotion understated.
I'd like to see you tackle Faramir as he was in the books- I'm afraid that as wonderful as Peter Jackson's movie vision was, he missed Faramir (one of my favorites from the books) completely.
Another good one! You, me dear, need an upgrade so you can post more stuff! You have a gift for packing a lot of emotion into concrete images. I like it- a lot!
And You must know my daughter.
If I could just cross this distance between us
Just take her pain in my stride
Open the floodgates and wait for the tide
Find a place in the light she can hide
...And show her that she's not alone
You have penned the prayer of my heart, so perfectly.
Wow! What a great way to vent! You make your anger concrete with so many images from nature- it gives a great rationalization for the strength of what is usually seen as a negative emotion (destructive wrath). How "natural"!
I would like to see you make that one three-line stanza match the form of rest of the poem. Nice job with use of rhyme, by the way: unforced and effective. Even in your wrath there is order...
Delightful! It brings to mind my little brother who got a play drum set for Christmas when he was three. He spent endless hours with sticks poised while "The Little Drummer Boy" played on our phonograph- just waiting for the magic moments when he could play along with pa-rumpum-pum-CRASH!
I liked the lilting repetition & quiet humor of plugs in their ears!
A very fine tribute! I liked the form you used: short three-lined stanzas, with two rhymed lines in each- though this obsessive person was a little put off at first that the rhymed lines weren't consistant in placement. Looking back, I'm glad that you weren't slave to your rhyme. You placed your unrhymed line where it worked best. Great choice!
Also, I liked the repetition of your first stanza at the end. It helped tie your story into the endless loop that such memories are for us.
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), I wouldn't change a thing!
