I can see that you are very passionate. Bravo for you. You are also very sure of yourself. Congradulations.
You have very many credible points here. But you also need to rememeber that magazines, books and films are meant to be entertaining. If not, they would all be self-help items and not many people would give them the time of day.
Back up your observations with some statistics on bulimia, anoxeria and other teen disorders. This would give your article the added kick that it needs to make it great.
A typo, if you're interested-
* Ever bought a magazine cause you’ve been sucked into thinking that you can actually become what you have seen on the cover[.](?)
Keep Writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is wonderful!
Why would you say a "sorry attempt"?
Your rhyming scheme is fine, the flow is good. And you say so much in four quick stanzas!
The first daughter- everything is new and bright.
The second daughter- vieing for your attention, she give you a bit of trouble.
The third daughter- a tossle of curls and a grin to go with!
Did find one small typo, a missing period-
*Her laughter filled with glee(.)
Remember, not all poetry has to rhyme.
Check out mine some time!
(Sorry, didn't mean to rhyme there, it just happened)
I most enjoyed the sequence when the old dog goes to meet his masters at the bridge. It brought goosebumps to me arms and tears to me eyes.
I did find a few typos, and had a few suggestions; if you are interested-
*Throughout their childhood, the little bridge featured prominently in most of their games, and many happy and contented hours were spent sitting on the fishing bridge, rods dangling hopefully over the shallow pebble bottomed stream.
(I would suggest breaking this into two sentences.)
*She did the laundry that they brought home in their new duffel bags (and) ensured that [that] their favourite foods were served at meal times.
*When the dog saw [was](that) the boy was awake, he left his basket and walked stiffly to the closed bedroom door.
*They too had lost beloved children, sons who had grown up with [of} the twins and their brother.
*But in the painting before him, the boys’ heads (were)up and they were [both] smiling, looking directly into their brother’s eyes.
Beautiful story.
You brought a tear and a smile to my face.
Only a parent could read this through the first time and "get it". Only Mom's and Dad's understand and can hear the difference between the "hungry" cry, the "diaper" cry, and "I'm scared" cry. You've expressed this wonderfully.
No typos.
Might want to play around with the commas and layout of the piece to help it flow better. (Just my opinion.)
Keep writing!
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I like the imagery of the "lost flight of the birds", and your thoughts "rushing by like buffalo herds."
A few lines in this stanza seem a bit forced in order to allow the rhyme- I want to say them,
But my mind won't let me go.
These are the things
You'll never know.
You have no idea
The distance I'd go.
All in all, a good poem. Keep up the good work!
Keep writing!
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A very creative look at getting acquainted with this remarkable site. I could amost picture myself walking along with you.
You should continue this. I'm sure that there are Newbies out there that are looking for help navigating this site. You could "walk" them through it all!
Quite an undertaking, and you did it quite beautifully.
I can almost smell the salty sea air as it plays with the woman's hair, while she is dancing in the moonlight on the beach. It seem like you have almost implied a past love here. One that can play in her memories forever.
Quite a clever story idea. I liked how this poor city worker thought out his complete heist. but then his unhealthy doubts messed everything up.
Found a few typos, or grammer issues, if you are interested-
*He checked the time, and then [wondered](wandered) over to the city library.
*Good because it would mask any sounds he would make, bad because it meant he wouldn’t be able to [here](hear)people coming when he was pulling off the job.
*He could smell the strong perfume the woman [had on](wore).
*His options were fast thinning. (thinning fast)
*He would (commit)suicide before the cops could handcuff him.
*The backpack [never did](didn't) make it.
*He withdrew [himself] from the cold night air and hit his leg clumsily as he clambered back in
*He would open the door open from the inside (there was bound to be something in the condo to do the job) and escape open the door open from the inside???
A very interesting survey on why members are here.
I have been published on other internet sites, a few ezines and my local newspaper a few times. I first startes here to have others read more of my work and perhaps review it.
But I am finding that I also enjoy review others works and trying to help them out when I see a potential problem. I'm glad to see that 55% of the people here appreciate that type of review.
I love how you use the imagery of the moon reflecting the sun's light, as you reflecting the love and goodness of your wife. Such a peaceful and comforting thought.
I thought that "they" say that men don't change? Obviously with a strong and loving relationship, everyone does.
Very nice poem. I liked the descriptive references: crystal rain, sludgy maze, a fortess beneath your skin.
One typo-
It can't be touched by your love(')s rays.
I would also suggest rethinking your punctuation. You are using quite a few commas here, where I think you might want to use a few periods. That would help break up the thoughts a little more clearly.
I can picture a young male/female standing by the side of the road, some sort of bag in hand. They're "hard" looking, the type that has nothing left to lose.
My only question is-
Why all capitals, even in the description?
The look makes it "sound" very angry. Maybe that's what you wanted?
Such a strong emotional instance in time, caught almost like a snapshot. You have truely captured the love that these two have for each other.
The only thing that I could suggest, would be to take this idea and run with it! You obviously have a story wrapped around this, play it out. I would love to read it.
I have some issues with some of the grammer and lack of punctuation, but this is poetry. And sometimes people take liberties with these. Heck, even e.e.cummings didn't like to use capitols! This is just my opinion, do with it what you will.
A wonderfully informative read. It will make me think twice about "forwarded" emails from now on.
I have also found my work "borrowed" onto other sites, at first I was irritated, but then I thought, well, obviously they liked it, I just wished they'd asked.
1 typo:
For information about copyright violations and plagiarism, plea(s)e read:
Keep writing!
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