Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Branding of a Heretic"
Author Kal S. Davian
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
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Plot
This prologue opens in the study of Claradina, a winged scholar on another planet. She's deep in the study of the ancient scrolls when her assistant, Lu'vina, arrives. Her assistant is of another species, one that radiates a flame-like aura. The two discuss a particular scroll that has just come into Claradina's possession and it's implications for their understanding of the past and their hopes for the future.
As an aside, this item is quite long--over 8000 words. There's nothing wrong with that--a prologue or chapter is however long or short it needs to be. However, for reviewing purposes, this is longer than most people will be able or willing to take on. Reviewing is different from casual reading. It takes much more concentrated effort and time. I find that after about 2000-3000 words, my ability to provide detailed and helpful comments diminishes considerably. Indeed, this particular review only pertains to about the first 2000 words of your prologue for just this reason. I really liked what I read, but I didn't feel I could give the material after the first break the attention it deserved. This had nothing to do with the quality of what I read--which was quite good--but rather with my own time constraints and my ability to really focus for more than a concentrated hour or so.
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Style and Voice
The style is lyrical, with lovely descriptions.
However, please bear with me as I digress on point of view. About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author relates the story in the third person, but for each scene selects one character to use as the "point of view" character. We see the story through this character; we hear, smell, taste and otherwise sense things as this character does. We can even know this character's thoughts. The idea is that this immerses the readers in the head of the point of view character, and thus helps to draw them into the story.
As recently as thirty years ago, one could still find many stories that used an omniscient narrator who stands outside the story, knowing all, and tells the story. This approach has all but disappeared from modern commercial fiction.
Now, in the first scene we are, in fact, mostly in Claradina's head. It would be an easy tweak to put the readers solidly there. For example, if she doesn't notice something, then the reader can't learn about it until she does. Unless it's natural for her to think about her appearance, the reader doesn't learn about it, and so on.
The other thing I noticed in this chapter--and it's further evidence of an omniscient narrator--is that there are many places where the story stops while the author intrudes to tell the reader things. These are surely important things, but does the reader need to know them right now? You've got a whole novel to show this background, in scenes designed specifcally for that purpose. It's important in this chapter that we get to know the protagonist, and get a sense of what her goals are and what the barriers are to achieving those goals. We don't necessarily need to know the intimate details, right this instance, about this world.
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Referencing
Many nice little details to establish the nature and character of this world.
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Scene/Setting
Lovely. Great descriptions.
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Characters
Claradina and the easy relationship with her aid come through nicely. Both are sympathetic characters, despite their unusual appearances.
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Grammar
I found a few typos, noted in the line-by-line comments below.
Your prose is really lovely. However, I would be careful about sentence length and adverbs. Bear in mind that longer sentences take readers longer to read, and thus can make a story seem to drag. This sentence, for example, is full of wonderful, vivid images:The glass rattled softly in its frame as late spring winds blew passed the wide arched window of the study room, the occasional petal or leaf swirling by, caught up in the current.
However, it's pretty long. If you broke it in two, for example after "room," and changed the final clause to a stand-alone sentence, I think it would read better. I also have to say that adverbs almost always send me looking for more precise verbs. Stephen King tells us that the road to Hell is paved with adverbs, and I think he's right. For one thing, they are little speed bumps that slow the prose. For another, they tend to lure the author into "telling" rather than "showing." In this case, maybe "jiggered" would be better that "rattled softly." In fact, just "rattle" is fine all by itself.
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Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. This is the heart of my comments above on point of view, and also the basis for many of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.
THis is a great opening to your novel, with wonderful, lyrical prose, likable characters, and an intricately conceived and credible world. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!
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Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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The glass rattled softly in its frame as late spring winds blew passed the wide arched window of the study room, the occasional petal or leaf swirling by, caught up in the current. Bright sunlight from a cloudless day poured through the glass, falling on the simple yet elegant and well-made Meraian rug that blanketed the fine lacquered wooden floor. The blue strands of shimisha seaweed that were sewn into it seemed to dance as they sparkled, bringing the portrayed naiads to life. Each sparkle reflected onto the walls and ceiling, further illuminating every corner of the sun-lit room.My Comment: This description is lovely. You use strong verbs and paint a sensual image. However, this feels very much like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in. For your opening, I'd consider first establishing a point of view character and then have the reader see this room through his/her eyes. Drawing readers first into a character's head helps to then draw them into your fictional world.
Some minor points: you've got a typo. It should be "past," not "passed." Also, beware of repeating words and phrases ("sparkled"). This runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's often better to have more varied word choice.
half of which were crammed with a myriad of books in a multitude of colors and sizes.
My Comment: "were crammed" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are almost always better.
Though, sitting behind the desk, Claradina Ou'bosa was oblivious to all of it as she poured over several of the old scrolls which littered the surface, My Comment: I'd consider leading with Claradina, so that we start in her head. Also, having her "oblivious" to her surroundings emphasizes that there is an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story looking in. This tends to distance the reader from the events, as opposed to pulling them in, which is why omniscient narrators have all but disappeared from modern commercial fiction.
Here, you might consider having her look up and cast a weary gaze across the room, lost in thought. If you follow this with your description, you've established her point of view, so now we're seeing the room through her eyes.
As the tray was placedMy Comment: passive voice...
She was more than just a servant. Since everyone in the complex was a scholar of sorts, she was also Claradina's confidant and would discuss the scrolls and histories with her when she required it. My Comment: The author intrudes here to tell us a fact. This again pulls us out of the story. Can you show this, through her words and deeds?
War of righteousness,My Comment: you wrote "War of Righteousness" later, which seems more appropriate.
Only that one of these days your bending of the rules will land you in state of discomfort,"My Comment: typo: in A state of discomfort, right?
scroll placed nearest to her. "Well, the scrollMy Comment: "scroll" repeats.
Most su'nora could sense the age of an object, the time span of its existence, some down to the month of its formation.My Comment: Author intrudes to state another fact. In this case, the reader can infer it from her words and actions, so it's not necessary. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into your story.
The Purge of Lies, is what she was referring toMy Comment: This launches a longer author intrusion, where the story stops while the author tells the reader stuff. This pulls readers out of your fictional world since it disrupts the action, namely the conversation between these two.
Claradina looked up to realized her clerk was not being thoughtful, she was stunned. My Comment: Typo: Claradina looked up to realize her clerk...
**********My Comment: I stopped reviewing at the first break, not because I didn't care for what I'd read--on the contrary!--but because of what's known as "reviewer fatigue," as noted above. You've got a fine start, and the rest of this deserves the same detailed review I've done so far. It's just that reviewing is hard, concentrated work, and I can't give this the attention it deserves all in one sitting.
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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.
Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!
Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories.
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