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301
301
Review of American Suffrage  
Review by
In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your item on "Please Review" . Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "American Suffrage" 
Author April Desiree-I'm back!
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
This chapter shows Nora attending a suffragette march in New York in 1910 with her friend Joan. They chat some about Nora's prior lover, Desmond, and her current fiance, Jackson. In the second scene, Jackson confronts Nora over her participation in the march.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
I believe that your intention is to use an omniscient narrator in this chapter. Much great literature, especially in the nineteenth century, used this narrative technique. However, it has all but disappeared from modern fiction.

About 30% of all fiction today is first person, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder is third person limited. In the latter, the author chooses one character for each scene, and relates the scene from that character's point of view. We can know the POV character's thoughts and sensations, but the must infer those of the other characters from their words and deeds, just as we do in real life. The idea is that this is more intimate and immediate for readers, that it draws them into the POV character's head, and hence into the story.

You can have more than one POV charcter in a novel, although romance novels usually have at most two. However, the rule is "once scene, one point of view," since breaking POV tends to draw readers out of the story.

So...my main suggestion for this chapter is that you consider tweaking it so that we stay in Nora's point of view throughout. In the second scene, where she fights with Jackson, the point of view hops between her and her fiancee. If you stay with her--or him--you will increase the emotional intensity for the readers.

In the line-by-line comments below, I've marked places where the point of view shifts, to assist you in finding them.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
You did a good job of placing this in the year 1910, with fashions, mannerisms, and attitudes. I did make one small comment at the end...

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This too, was good, and helped to reinforce the era.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Mostly we meet Nora. She's overcome adversity through her strength of character and her independent will. She's an admirable precursor of a modern woman--even to the point of being the "bold one" in her relationships with men.

Jackson is pretty much a sexist jerk--but he fits perfectly with the era, too.

Nora seemed a little...gossipy...to me, for the leader of a suffragette movement.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
I liked this chapter, and especially liked Nora. Readers will admire her strength and determination, and will cheer for her to make the right decisions, to find both happiness and fulfillment. She's a strong character, and I'm already on her side.

This is also timely, since assaults on equal rights never seem to abate. I think this novel will find a market.

I enjoyed reading this chapter. It might seem that I found lots to comment on in the line-by-line remarks, but that's exactly because I did like this. I hope that you find some of my remarks helpful.


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut* Nora walked beside Joan, terrified. She snuck out of the house earlier that day, almost tripping over the hem of her full-length white dress. Her white boots clicked as she jogged down the street over to 6th Avenue where she was to meet Joan. A sea of white had gathered from sidewalk to sidewalk. White wide-brimmed hats were decorated with white feathers or flowers, and she couldn't find one frown in the crowd, besides her own. The women talked excitedly as they waited for the march to begin.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any piece of fiction, whether it's the first lines in a novel, or just the start of a chapter or a scene.

Here, we learn that we're in Nora's point of view, and you orient the readers in space and in time. Still, there are several ways I think you could tweak this.

The first sentence, for example, tells the reader that Nora is terrified. If, instead, butterflies fluttered in her stomach and her heart raced, we'd infer it from her physical state. That would also help to put the reader in her point of view, rather than having the author narrate a fact.

Secondly, I wonder why you chose to insert a short time reversal here. We jump from her walking down the sidewalk to earlier, when she snuck out of the house. A short break in linear time such as this tends to break the readers' connections with events, and hence pull them out of the story. I'd either start with her leaving the house, or just move to her almost tripping on her long skirt.

There are several instances of passive voice in this chapter, starting here with "were decorated." Passive voice tends to put your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you'd like for them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, active verb forms are usually better.

Finally, "talked excitedly" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. Perhaps they "chattered," or some other more precise verb? *Exclaim*

*Cut*A policeman nervously rubbed at the brass buttons on his knee-length overcoat. His mustache twitched as he eyed the crowd.
"Jackson's at the club," Nora said, rubbing her elbow nervously.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Note the adverbs. Also, "nervously" repeats in close proximity, which runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. Can you find another way to show the same thing? Finally, the sequence made me think Nora was talking to the policeman, but it's apparent in the next paragraph that she's addressing Joan. *Exclaim*

*Cut*When I'm with Joan, it's like something is illuminated within me. I feel alive.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: It might have been nice if this had come out in their conversation... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He gazed across the street and saw two children with lollipops walking along with their mother. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hops to Jackson's point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Nora clenched her teeth as she looked at the wall. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: hops back to Nora's point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A shudder came over her at the thought. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: this lauches several paragraphs of background, which tends to stop the story... *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Don't have a fit over me," she said gently.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another of those verb/adverb combinations where a more precise verb--murmured, or whispered, for example--would give the reader a move vivid picture. *Exclaim*

*Cut* "Not two minutes ago you didn't even know what a suffragette was! *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: two minutes ago? I thought this was after she marched with suffragettes? *Exclaim*

*Cut*His back was to her and he loosened his collar, for it was getting hot. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: jumps to his head... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Heat rushed up from her heels into her spine. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:...in her head... *Exclaim*

*Cut*A look of amazement came over his face, not at her reaction, but at his very action that brought it on. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:...in his head... *Exclaim*

*Cut*Horror had etched itself into his face.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Now Nora is seeing his face, so we're in her head... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He winced at hearing her curse, but thought it best not to address that issue at the present.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: back in his head... *Exclaim*

*Cut* "Of course you won't! Who in their right mind would want that?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is set in 1910. Women had had the right to vote in Wyoming since 1869--and since statehood in 1890. By 1910, Colorado, Utah and Idaho had granted women the right to vote, and Washington would do so in 1910. I'd think both of them would be aware of these changes. *Exclaim*


________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
302
302
Review by
In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors  
Rated: E
** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your item on "Invalid Item" . Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Elizabeth's Portrait ((Part 3))" 
Author J.W. Knight
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
There are two commingled threads in this, the continuing saga of Elizabeth. One thread finds her in Seattle, where the FBI has followed her. The agents take her to their offices, where a constable from the UK asks her to return to London. It seems he's a representative of the "League," and they have something that will compel her cooperation--doubtless, her portrait.

The other thread is in the 17th century. Elizabeth and her ward, Mary, are on a sailing ship bound for the New World when pirates attack. It seems Elizabeth is adept with both cannon and sword, but not enough to prevent their capture. They spend a year with the pirates, and then Elizabeth escapes. Mary, however, elects to stay behind, perhaps to marry one of the pirates.

Both threads have good hooks. In the former, we end as Elizabeth heads off to London, and in the latter Elizabeth promises to see Mary again.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
Except for a short segment taken from Mary's diary, this is in Elizabeth's point of view. As I understand it, the idea is that these are diary entries. This is a nice technique. However, I think you should take care that the language reflects the era. I made some notes in the line-by-line comments below.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
See above. Some of the language in dialogue didn't match the era.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Mostly this was sufficient for staging, although just barely. Especially in the scenes of the pirate assault, I think you could have added much by describing the battle in more detail. What did it smell like as the cannons fired? What were the sounds? Did their shipmates die? Were there screams and howls? Did cannon fire strike their ship? Put the reader right there, in the middle of things with sight, sound, touch, smells, even taste (maybe sour bile rises in Mary's throat as she watches...)

________________
*Check2*Characters
Even though we have tiny segment in Mary's POV, this is still all Elizabeth. The agent and even the constable are not fleshed out. For example, maybe the constable wears a tweed suit and has a mousey mustache that twitches when he talks. Give them some little quirky characteristics--things that you notice about people the first time you see them. Elizabeth is supposed to be perceptive, due to her years,so she'll see these things. Show her seeing them.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period, semicolon or conjunction should be used. There are many of these in this item. I've marked a few of them in the line-by-line comments below, but I'd recommend you comb through this and find the remaining ones yourself.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
This continues the saga of Elizabeth, and it's an engaging story indeed. You've got great hooks here, and good drama. Elizabeth is both credible and sympathetic.

As in the early segments, this jumps from one thread in the present to one in the past. I like this idea, but I'm not so sure about the execution. The segments were pretty short, so it felt more like we lurched back and forth. I think this could be really effective if the segments in each time period were longer, and if you did a bit more at the start of each to establish the era, the setting, and the action. Each segment is a little scene, which means it needs a beginning, a middle, and an end. It needs to be long enough to immerse the reader in the new location.

It often helps to think of a scene in a novel as though you are watching a movie--and I'd even recommend that approach to you, to make this intimate for your years. But I'd caution you, too. The jumps that I mentioned above are like short cuts in a movie, where the director switches back and forth between two different sequences. While short cuts can work well in movies, they generally don't work so well on the printed page. In a movie, you've got the actors emoting, the music playing, the visuals of the mise en scene, the Foley artist, and the eye of the camera all working together to stimulate and guide the reader's imagination. On the printed page, all you've got is words to do all that work. In a movie, the director can establish a new scene in seconds, but in fiction it can take pages of prose.

Anyway, this is full of wonderful ideas, with the sweep of history and fate driving the storyline. Elizabeth is an attractive character, and you'd done a great job of making the reader like her--flaws and all--and making the reader want to know what will happen next.

Thanks for sharing--this is good stuff!

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*It seems the longer you live the faster time goes by, you really begin feeling the effects after a hundred years, after five hundred years if you blink you'll miss out on an entire year. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The wonderful sounds of the ocean, can only be covered up by someone tossing everything they've eaten for the past several months over the side of the ship, my poor Mary had no idea that she would be sea sick for the first two weeks of the voyage, and nor did I.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice Also, "tossing" doesn't fit the era. Since--I know now--these are diary entries, the language should probably change to match the era in which she is writing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"I'm sorry Hon, I had no idea you'd be sea-sick, I bet you feel sorry you came with me."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Hon" is another word that sounds to modern. I'd think "dearie" or something similar would be better. Also, this is another comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*when I heard the sounds of several canon's firing.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you mean "cannons." No apostrophe for plurals, and a "canon" is a musical form or an ecclesiastic law. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I quickly pushed Mary down into the berthing as I looked back towards the ship which was now coming along side us very quickly.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "quickly repeats. Repeating words and phrases can make your prose seem monotone, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice. Also, "quickly pushed" and "quickly come" are weak verb/adverb combinations. Could you find a more precise verb? *Exclaim*

*Cut* I watched as all of the men of the ship came barrelling out with swords in their hands, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: barreling. It's a great verb, by the way. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Well, Ms Elizabeth Sayer...*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Ms." didn't come into use until the 1950's. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The men lead me out to their vehicle and we took off towards a large building in the middle of Seattle, taking me up to the top floor they took me into a small FBI office and took me into an even smaller office. "Wait here, we'll get the constable."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "large," "small," and "smaller" are non-specific adjectives that don't really help the reader picture the physical spaces. Is the building "towering?" Or is it "sprawling?" Is the office "cramped," or is it just large enough for a table and two chairs? Does it have a mirror on one wall? I'd expect an interrogation room to have one. What's the interior like? Modern, with cubicles? Put the reader in the spaces. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Why?!" Mary slurred as she downed another glass. "It's a pirates life for me!"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: pirate's life. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Well Miss Sayer, I have to say, you have killed my buzz. I think I'll go find someone else to party with."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This speech doesn't fit the era at all... *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
303
303
Review by
In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors  
Rated: E
** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your item on "Invalid Item" . Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Elizabeth's Portrait ((Part 2))" 
Author J.W. Knight
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
Elizabeth continues her adventures. She meets a man older than herself, and she takes on a young woman as a companion.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
All first person, in Elizabeth's head. No slips.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
I wondered about camels in south Africa. Also, some of the dialogue still seemed a little modern.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
As with the earlier segment, this was pretty sparse. Indeed, it was barely sufficient for staging, especially in the segment with the old man. I really think you could deepen this piece quite a bit by adding more description and setting, and having Elizabeth interact with her environment more.

________________
*Check2*Characters
Elizabeth, the enigmatic old man, and the youthful Mary. Elizabeth continues to be afflicted with ennui, although the old man says she wants peace. She seems to hope to find it with the innocent Mary.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

Be careful about repeated words, too. I marked one or two instances in the line-by-line comments below, but there were several more. These can be difficult to spot, but it's worth purging them. It will make your prose read more smoothly.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
I loved the melancholy tone of this piece, and the mystery of lonely immortals floating in our midst. There is much potential for this, and the thematic material that you reveal in this section has great merit. Poul Anderson explored some of these themes in The Boat of a Million Years, but your memoir is more personal, more modern, and more existential. In short, I really like the ideas here a lot.

Precisely because the flavor of Elizabeth's life is so personal, and so filled with the search for meaning, I wish that this had less narrative and that I, as a reader, were more intimately embedded in what she experiences. I agree that first person is right choice for this story, but as an exercise you might try writing a bit of it in third person limited. That will force you away from narrating how she feels and force you to show her emotional state through her words and deeds. I think that would make this more immediate for the reader, and would sharpen the message.

Also, as I recall, part one left off with Sherlock Holmes. He's completely disappeared from this part. Since I read this in two separate settings, I don't recall if memories of Mary appeared in the earlier part--I hope they do, since that relationship seems central to your thematic material.

As a last note, I did feel that this story stopped rather than ended. The plot consists of Elizabeth's search for meaning through the centuries, in different cultures and places. How does the final scene, with her departing for the New World with Mary, bring the plot to a conclusion? It's fine to leave questions unanswered--in fact, I'd prefer that. But the story itself should conclude.

Elizabeth is searching for the meaning to life. As an immortal, her search takes place in a sea of death--the brief lives of those about her. From the legend of Gilgamesh to "The Plague" by Camus, this quest is both ancient and timely. This story grapples with life and death, as does Elizabeth.

To repeat: I think this is a marvelous idea, with timely and deep themes. Please continue to work on this, as it has enormous merit. Thanks for asking me to read it.


________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________
*Cut*The questions I had started to pour through my mind, as you get older you don't get answers, you just get more questions. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. Also, the construction in the first clause is ambiguous and I had to read it twice. My first reading was that she had started to pour questions through her mind. *Blush* If you just said, "my questions started to pour through my mind," I think it would be clearer. *Exclaim*

*Cut*We can give you a camel, and some water."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Do they really use camels in South Africa? This article seems to suggest otherwise:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Camel#Distribution_an... *Exclaim*

*Cut*However, in this vast land, I no longer felt alone. I could feel the life of everything around me. The trees, the birds, even the life in the waters as I passed by them. My mind was answering several questions, yet with every questioned answered a couple more always came up.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This short segment tells the readers her emotional state. It would be more effective if you could show it, by showing her interacting with her environment. Jack London was a master at doing this kind of thing. He embeds his characters in nature, and we learn about them, their needs and their emotions, by what they do. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As I woke I could smell something... something on fire. I quickly jumped up off the ground to see a man sitting nearby, with a fire blazing, and a pot on the fire.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: What does the man look like? What's he wearing? Also, not that "fire" is used twice in close succession, which can make your prose seem monotone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"What else would bring a young woman like you out into the mountains of South Africa?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not entirely clear if she's in the desert or the mountains, or went through the desert to get to the mountains. *Exclaim*

*Cut*took a large whiff of its sweet, succulent smell. A sweetness that I don't believe I could find anywhere else, not even in the new found chocolates. I took a sip of the tea, which ran across the palettes of my tongue, making it tingle with the sweetness*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "sweet," "sweetness" repeats... *Exclaim*

*Cut*But I guarantee, with every answer you receive you'll have 2 or 3 more. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I know you mean "two or three more questions," but that's not how this reads. Also, editors are certain to want you to write out numbers. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It had been several hours since we started our walk,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Really? They've only exchanged a few sentences. Perhaps you should show the extended time with a bit more narrative. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He had something from every country, from all different time periods.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Rather than telling the reader this, show it by describing specific artifacts. Put the reader in the room, seeing it through Elizabeth's eyes. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The past several years has taught me lessons*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd say that this should read "have taught me lessons," reading "years" as the subject and "past" as modifying "years." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Mary's eyes lit up like the sun coming over the ocean on a cloudless sky.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: lovely simile! *Exclaim*

________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
304
304
Review by
In affiliation with PRIME A Workshop for Authors  
Rated: E
** Image ID #1774416 Unavailable **

*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your item on "Invalid Item" . Thank you for posting this. I enjoyed reading it and decided I could learn from studying it. I wanted to share my thoughts with you about this item.
________________
Item Reviewed: "Elizabeth's Portrait ((Part 1))" 
Author J.W. Knight
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
________________
Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

________________
*Check2*Plot
We meet Elizabeth, born in the 1500's and still alive today. It would seem that the artist who painted the portrait of Dorian Gray had a predecessor in the Elizabethan era, for she has remained ageless and immortal while her portrait has decayed. In this segment, Elizabeth recalls long-past episodes in her life, from her youth, to her acquaintance with Sherlock Holmes, to the modern era. She has lost her portrait, which apparently has a certain power over her...doubtless the 2nd half will reveal the details.

________________
*Check2*Point of view and style
First person, in Elizabeth's head. Perfect.

________________
*Check2*Referencing
The plot jumps around a bit in time. You did a good job of alerting the reader to these shifts, but I didn't quite get the "feel" of some of the older times. For example, the dialogue from the 1500's should feel more Elizabethan and less like, say, Ludlum. If you could add a few more details that might help establish the past, too.

________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This continues my comments from above. There is almost no scene setting in this piece. While I wouldn't want you to overdo it, the setting is part of the author's palette. It helps establish staging as the characters move about. What Elizabeth notices reveals bits about her character. It helps to establish era and mood, too.

________________
*Check2*Characters
The only character we really meet is Elizabeth. There are a few others--Holmes, her mother, the artist--who appear in short snippets of scenes, but not enough to really meet them. Most of what we learn is in snippets of dialogue, interspersed with Elizabeth's narrated commentary. I'd rather see expanded scenes, where we meet your characters more holistically, the way we meet people in real life.

________________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw quite a few comma errors. I didn't read for this kind of error, so I didn't point any out explicitly. Some examples include introductory phrases like "in the meantime," which should be set off with commas. Here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
This story has breadth and scope, spanning centuries. The idea of the painting aging while she stays young is, of course, similar to Wilde's novel. That doesn't mean you can't do your version of it--indeed, your approach to this is different. But there are lessons to learn from Wilde.

He showed his character stay young while those around him age. Something similar happens in "Time Enough for Love," by Robert Heinlein. He also show the tragedy of out-living your loved ones. The point is that they show it. Heinlein, in particular, has a little novella in which he marries a young woman who gives birth to many children, then ages and dies in his arms. It's clear from Heinlein's narrative that this has happened more than once to the character. In your story, instead of showing this, Elizabeth just tells us that she's sad that it's happened to her. To make this more visceral, more immediate for your readers, I'd pick one or two incidents and expand on them in this fashion, revealing things by putting your character in motion in word and deed.

To some extent,you've done this when she meets the Holmes character, but even these scenes felt a bit truncated, with rather more narration than action.

So, my main advice so far is to make this longer, to match the sweep and scope of the big ideas that you touch on. This has a great plot, and great characters. I love the idea that Elizabeth assumed the identity of "Irene Adler" and comes to life, meeting a real-life Holmes. That's clever. I'd just like to see more of her in action and less of her telling me things.

________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
________________

*Cut*I watched as the sun sat on another day. A day had become seconds to me, and a year only a few months.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This opening is slow, and it took a while to figure out where she was, what her gender was, and what the story was about. Can you maybe start with her doing something more active, or at least be more sensual here at the start? *Exclaim*

*Cut*watching the spiral of color’s fill the air.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: no apostrophe *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Hold still." The man smiled at me as he put the brush back to the canvas. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Rather than lead with a disembodied voice, I'd invert the order of these two sentences. That way, you've oriented the reader and established the gender of the person speaking. *Exclaim*

*Cut*But I just couldn't help myself in giving him a hard time. Considering that he was a year younger than I was.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The second sentence is a fragment; I'd tie it to the preceding one with a comma. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"If you don't give me a break soon, I can't be held responsible for the mess that it may make." I heard him sigh, as he nodded his head.

"Okay, take a break. I'm sure I can capture some of your beauty without you here." *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: A couple of points here. First, his sigh and nod are part of his communication, so I'd put it next to his speech rather than hers. Second, phrases like "I heard" filter the sensory information through your character. It's usually more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe what she heard directly. They'll infer she heard it since you're in her point of view. That little step of inference helps to draw readers into your story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*What happened when I came back, I'll never forget, he'd only been working on the painting for nearly a week and when I got back in he was sitting quietly looking at the painting. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"What's wrong?" I assumed there must be something wrong*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "wrong" used in close succession. Repeating words and phrases can make your prose seem monotone, so it's usually better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I sighed and took my pose and watched as his hand quickly went over the painting.

"Okay, all done." he turned the painting towards me and I saw the reason he was so entranced by it.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: That was quick! It felt like no time elapsed. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I quickly put on my robe and ran out to the living room. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I wonder if you could find a better verb choice here and avoid the adverb? Maybe she "struggled" into her robe after "snatching" from the floor? *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Nothing is wrong, I am so glad you talked me out of getting Raphael to do the painting.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. I'd also consider replacing "I am" with a contraction, for verisimilitude. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Well mother, he is done finally, please put it where you want to." *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:...another comma splice. I'll stop pointing these out. *Exclaim*

*Cut*guest bedroom, and I couldn't help but pray silently that he wasn't in my room anymore. I silently walked behind her as she opened the guest room door. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "guest bedroom" and "silently" both repeat. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Yes, you do remember correct."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: correctly *Exclaim*

*Cut*The thoughts should have made me fearful, yet I knew that if it happened again I could once again use it as a chance to make a new identity, even though coming up with another false identity was getting harder with all of the precautions that the U.S. was instituting, it could still be done, with the right amount of money. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: run-on sentence... *Exclaim*

*Cut*in fact, it would look more like thousands of death has taken the poor soul on the portrait."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: There's something amiss with this phrase. *Exclaim*

*Cut*My eyes caught the site of a few things in the house.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: sight *Exclaim*



________________

Ratings Ratings imply measuring work against a pre-determined set of standards. In a diverse place like Writng.Com, no such universal standard can exist. Further, the purpose of this review to help us both improve as authors. Ratings can only distract from that goal.

Several informal surveys show that that the average rating on WDC is 4, so I assign a 4 to everything I review. Thus, please don't give any weight to my rating, but know instead that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! There are hundreds of items on WDC that I could have selected for review. I selected yours because I liked it. I truly did enjoy reading this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.
305
305
Review of Trick or Tweet  
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Trick or Tweet" 
Author Tom Buck
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

I see that you are also new to WDC, so I'd like to add a personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I joined here three years ago with the ambition to learn enough about fiction writing to publish a short story or two. Because of the things I've learned on here from generous authors and reviewers, I'm pleased to be able to report that I've had three novels published along with several shorter works. I hope you find your time here as productive as I have.

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*Check2*Plot
This cautionary tale moves from our present interconnected world through a catastrophic network failure in 2012, on to a recovery with implanted network devices, and finally to an unanticipated--at least by the characters!--conclusion.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
First person, in John Bauer's head.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
I had some minor quibbles that I noted in the line-by-line comments below. Overall, I thought this story did an excellent job of extrapolating current technological and social trends into the near future.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging.

__________
*Check2*Characters
I liked the way that the narrator's progression with technology mirrors what's happening in this fictional world. He starts out as a young entrepreneur who's not hooked in to technology at all. He meets his future wife, a marketing specialist, who introduces him to the modern world of always-on social networking. Her enthusiasm provides a good counterpoint for his naivete, drawing him in to the ever-more-compulsive allure of our modern, connected society.

There are several other minor characters who pop in and out of the story, but these are two with the greatest depth and most importance.

Throughout, the dialog did an excellent job of advancing character and plot--but see more on this below.

__________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs (well, there're over 100 in this story), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Most authors have favorite words that they use without realizing it--"stride" seems to show up a lot in my drafts. Sometimes these can become noticeable and distracting. For example, over half of the adverbs mentioned above come from this list: quickly, immediately, finally, really, and actually. The last four are almost always clutter that slow down the pace of your prose. Other words that you used a lot (24 times each) include seem/seemed, about, and around. These can make your prose seem tentative since they are non-specific.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story a lot. The plot is timely, original, and creative. I especially liked the clever way in which John's evolution with technology mirrored that of the broader society. This story reminded me a bit of a classic story by Frederic Brown called "The Waveries," but your more modern interpretation was original and timely. Still, I think there are some things you could do to improve this.

First, I'd re-think the opening. Your first sentence and first paragraph are your best chance to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

In your opening, you name your point of view character, orient the reader in space and time, and suggest the plot. But these first three paragraphs are all narrated background. It's much stronger to start in the middle of action--in the middle of a scene. Indeed, the story starts in the fictional present, but then jumps to the past by paragraph four. This kind of time-reversal tends to pull readers out of the story. You might consider, instead, starting with the John's first glimpse of Carolyn. She might be sending a text to someone and, as he watches, he comes to realize she's texting Courtney, who is sitting right next to her. (My daughter and her husband do this.) That introduces the characters, puts them in motion, and introduces an element of the plot through through their words and deeds. Doubtless you can think of better opening that does the same kind of thing.

In fact, I noticed a tendency throughout this story to stop and tell the reader things. I marked a few of these narrated bits, but not all. It's almost always better to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than, say, telling the readers about the G-Net. The early parts of the story, about how John and Carolyn met, and later when they go next door to Mark's and Gwen's in 2012 are good examples of showing events. As the story progressed, though, I felt that the narrated portions began to dominate. So my main advice for this story is to expand on the narrated sections, turning them from narration to scenes in which you reveals things through the words and deeds of your characters. That way, you reveal the critical developments in scenes that you craft to achieve particular goals related to plot, character, and theme.

You've got a really outstanding plot, along with believable and sympathetic characters. This story is full of ideas that deserve more details. As I said above, I really liked the plot details, the characters, and the thematic material. This story shows a lot of talent. Thanks for sharing!

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*I survived an unfortunate incident that occurred within a few minutes of the introduction, when I bumped her and red wine splashed on her beautiful yellow evening dress. Her friend, Courtney, kept glaring at me as she helped to mitigate the damage. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is where the events of this chapter start, so this is where I'd start the chapter. The beginning is background information. It's good that you, as the author, know that, but your readers don't need it right now. It's much stronger to start your story in media res. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Looking over her shoulder, I could see that Courtney didn't approve. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: How does he know she doesn't approve? It would be stronger to describe her expression and let the reader infer she doesn't approve. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As we sat making small talk, Carolyn’s purse sat in front of her*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "sat" is used twice in close proximity. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“I mean your PDA. Is it a BlackBerry?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Do people really use the abbreviation "PDA" anymore? This seemed a little out of character. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Carolyn had a degree in marketing and worked for a large company in its brand management department. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This sentence launches a couple of paragraphs of narrated background. That stops the story dead in its tracks. If the readers need to know this, then you could devise a short scene--or add to their dinner conversation--to reveal it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It also easily converted voice to text for tweeting,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I believe the iPhone already does this. Certainly my Android phone does. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I later found it tedious spending hours reading sentences so that it could recognize my speech patterns, but it was worth it.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Not necessary. My voice-to-text app doesn't need training. For more complex apps, like medical transcription, some training might be necessary, but the technology is progressing at a lightning pace. *Exclaim*


*Cut*Maybe we just blew a circuit breaker, I thought.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Italics are sufficient to indicate that this is his thought. In fact, most editors will delete the tag,"I thought." *Exclaim*

*Cut*I arrived back in the kitchen just after Carolyn. I comforted Chad and then turned on the radio. I found nothing but static on AM and FM.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Lots of sentences in this sequence are starting with "I <did some action>." Repeating sentence structure is similar to repeating words and phrases. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Them I-ramians*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Typo *Exclaim*

*Cut*They were excited as they entered the dining room.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Show from their words and deeds they are excited rather than telling the reader. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Everyone reacted as if the rumor had come straight from a gospel reading.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: or directly from a CNN twitter feed, for a simile more directly related to the plot... *Exclaim*

*Cut*he blamed the whole event on a virus. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: computer virus? *Exclaim*

*Cut*It was truly an ingenious plot. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches several paragraphs of narrated background. *Exclaim*

*Cut*It was reported that high-ranking officials of The Government were being implanted, including the President. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood when you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, it's generally better to use active verb forms. *Exclaim*

*Cut*IQ tests became obsolete. People became geniuses overnight.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hmmm...dubious. Knowing a lot of facts is not equivalent to being a genius by a long shot. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


306
306
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on teh "review a newbie" page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

I'd also like to welcome you to WDC. This is a wonderful place to learn and grow as an author. I'd also like to congratulate you on your success in getting your first novel placed. That's a major accomplishment!

__________
Item Reviewed: "Interstellar Yenta" 
Author Joe 45
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Bex Hart runs a matchmaking agency, but with a futuristic twist. Her agency specializes in inter-species matches. But when an Adonis, a human genetically engineered to be the embodiment of male beauty, appears at her door, she has a new kind of problem to solve...

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*Check2*Style and Voice
This story uses a third person omniscient narrator. Please bear with me for some short comments on point of view. I apologize if this is all familiar territory for you.

While there is a considerable body of great literature that uses the omniscient narrator, this technique has all but disappeared from modern fiction. Today, about 30% of all fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, in each scene the author selects one character to provide the point of view. While the narrative structure is third person, the readers see, hear, taste, smell, sense everything through that character. In close third person limited, the reader might also know the POV character's thoughts. We meet the other characters through their words and deeds, much as we would meet people in real life. The idea is that this method increases the reader's connection with that character and hence with the fictional world. It's more immediate and intimate for the reader to focus, in each scene, on just one point of view character.

The general rule is "one scene, one point of view." While a novel might have many point of view characters, a short story generally just has one. This certainly isn't uniformly true, but given that this story is quite short I think it would be improved by selecting one character for the point of view. You would need to decide which character provided the best perspective for telling the story.

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*Check2*Referencing
There are at least two great ideas in this story. The first is the notion of an inter-species match maker. Indeed, I could see this as a series of fascinating stories, as Bex has to dig through her matchmaking files to solve the puzzle each client presents.

The second idea is that of a human, genetically engineered to be the ultimate perfection in beauty. You add a twist that most are disgustingly happy as well as, uh, not the brightest rocket plane in the future fleet. So when your character in this story seems both sensitive and intelligent, you've another level to the plot.

These are terrific plot ideas, and ones that deserve lots of development. I admit that I wish you'd more with each of them, and done more to connect the two ideas in this particular story.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was sufficient for staging. The descriptions of the photos and of the door to Bex's office added to plot and character, respectively. While I could have used a touch more, that's largely a matter of taste.

__________
*Check2*Characters
We get a pretty good idea of Alverta as the experienced and matronly office manager and Bex as the larger-than-life executive. The Adonis is a little more sketchy, though. I'd like to see him react a bit physically to Alverta and Bex. Maybe he's got a quirky smile, or he wiggles his ears. Something.

You used dialog well to advance character and plot.

__________
*Check2*Grammar
I had a couple of nits, noted in the line-by-line comments below.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Opening sentences and paragraphs are critical to the process of drawing readers into your stories. Your opening isn't bad, in that you start in the middle of the action, you name your (first) point of view character--Alverta--and you establish the basics of the plot.

However, almost all of your opening three paragraphs are narrated background. Even the descriptions of the photos read like a third person narrator, standing to one side and distant from the story, describing the scene. That's contrary to drawing readers into the fictional world. The idea behind the opening sentence is great, too, but it reads like the author stating a fact. Now if, for example, you used for your opening your description of Alverta's face heating when Gable enters the reception area, then you're in her POV and it's her reaction that establishes his beauty, rather than the author telling the reader a fact. That seems more immediate and intimate to me, and helps to draw the reader into the fictional world.

I think the plot ideas for this story are terrific and very original. I hope that you write many more stories that use these two basic ideas, because I think they are creative and have much potential to inspire many more stories. Thanks for sharing!


__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*as Hart Finder had standards to uphold, prospect screening protocols, minimum standards.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "standards" is used twice in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's usually best to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*But this human male was more than attractive. He was stunning. Tall, slender, exuding charisma and charm, his features were chiseled and flawless. He was, literally, an Adonis, one of the human genetic elites selected for beauty, bred to quality like canines had once been.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a key element of your plot. You do start with the observation that he's beautiful, but then you digress with two paragraphs of narrated background. Indeed, even after revealing this great plot device, the rest of this paragraph has more narrated background. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Good morning, Miss.” Even his voice was honey on silk.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Nice use of metaphor. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Alverta coughed once, and sensed a rising heat in her cheeks.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: When you say "Alverta sensed..." you filter the sensation through your character. It's usually more immediate and intimate for your readers if you describe directly what she sensed. They will know she senses it since you're in her point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The wide double doors to the inner office burst outward, revealing Rebekah Hart. The doors had been specially designed and built to provide for her massive girth, and even so it was a snug fit. Nearly seven feet tall and almost the same girth, Bex Hart was large, ponderously fat, and yet somehow projected a sort of majestic dignity rather than revulsion. A pyramid of impeccable platinum curls framed her massive head, a vivid red-and-orange dress draped across the acreage of her frame, and gaudy jewels flashed from her fingers and throat. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: great description here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She didn’t have to wait long.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'll omit the twist of the last line that she's waiting to hear. I love stories with twists, but I have to say that this one disappointed. Why would there be the limitation on genetically engineered humans that's mentioned in the final line? I was unprepared for the twist, since it didn't seem to be foreshadowed in the earlier part of the story. A perfect twist is one where the reader slaps their forehead and says, "I should have seen that coming." This one didn't have that feeling. *Exclaim*



__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


307
307
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
Jake,
I see you are new to this site, so I wanted to welcome you here. This is a great place to learn, grow, and to make new friends.

I found your opening chapter intriguing, and the character of Rylan compelling. But what drew me to this chapter was actually your poem "Secretive Consequences" , which I thought was moving. I'm not competent to review poetry, so I went looking for prose so I could try to give you something back for the verse that you shared. I found this chapter, and I'm glad I did.

__________
Item Reviewed: "A Shadow in the Light: Ch. 1" 
Author Jake Halbrooks
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Jake has had a hard life. His father abandoned the family when he was a baby, his older sister died of an overdoes when he was six, and now his mother has died. He works at filling station, where the customers are mean to him.

Then there's these dreams he has...

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Jake's head. Good job controlling the point of view.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
This seemed to be modern day. Jake's too poor to have a cell phone, so you didn't nail down the era--not that it matters, particularly.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was a little bit sparse. You could reveal bits about Rylan's character and even his past with a touch more description of his living quarters. I didn't have the best picture of the filling station either. I imagine he's a clerk in a convenience store that sells gas, but that wasn't entirely clear. I'd add a touch more description to both locations--but don't overdo it. Descriptions should orient the reader in space and time, and thus assist in staging. They can also reveal character and history.

__________
*Check2*Characters
This is mostly about Rylan. A nasty customer makes a cameo appearance, as does a co-worker who calls in and asks Rylan to take her shift. Wouldn't the owner also show up, to collect the cash and make a deposit of the day's receipts? That would be an opportunity to show him as a sympathetic character (rather than telling the readers he's sympathetic). It would also be a chance for a conversation between with Rylan that might reveal some of his background. The owner might urge him to go back to school and get his GED, or ask about Rylan's mother. That sneaks information on Rylan in through the words and deeds of the characters rather than in narrated form.

I liked the interaction with the customer, by the way. it was realistic, and I felt for Rylan. I liked his fantasy afterward, too.

__________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below. There were several I left unmarked.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in this essay   on short stories.

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

Jake, I liked this chapter mostly because Rylan is a compelling character. It's not clear exactly where you are taking this, but I'm guessing that the dream will turn into Rylan's reality at some point. If that's true, why not expand the opening dream sequence into a full, stand-alone chapter? That would help the reader understand what kind of novel they are reading--assuming I'm correct in guess about the plot.

As it stands, though, the dream sequence is quite short. Just as I was getting into the chase and the catacombs, Rylan woke up and I felt jerked into a completely new situation. To be sure, that's how dreams work, but this is the first chapter of a novel. Here, your goal is to draw your readers into your fictional world, to lead them through a fictional dream of your creation. The dream-within-a-dream is a great device, but only after you've established a connection with the reader. Thus, I'd either lengthen the dream sequence, or shorten it to just Rylan scanning for pursuers, gasping for air, and then waking up.

As I said, I liked this chapter a lot, and I think this has considerable potential. It may seem that I've made a lot of comments, but that's precisely because I think you have talent and that this is worth working on.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*A noise behind him brought his attention back to his objective.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm going to pick on this sentence as an example of telling as opposed to showing. This sentence tells the reader that a noise (what kind of noise?) brought Rylan's attention back to his objective. Now, if you wrote instead something like, "Footfalls whispered in the grass behind him. His breath caught in his throat, and he lurched ahead toward the shadowy catacombs." That way, we know what that the noise was, and we see through his actions that his attention focuses on his destination. Now, I probably haven't described the scene you had in mind, but that's the point! Maybe the noise was a twig snapping, or a howl of laughter, or a horse's neigh. Maybe instead of lurching forward, his gaze focuses on the door he's about to open. Be specific, and show what's happening through the character's words and deeds rather than telling the reader. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Rylan awoke in a cold sweat, that had been the third time this week he’d had the same dream of those crumbling ruins. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Two comments here. First, this is a comma splice (see above). Second, while dream sequences can be a useful tool, I'd reconsider using one in an opening chapter. Your first couple of paragraphs pulled the readers in to Rylan's head and into his situation, but then when he wakes, you've disrupted the flow and broken the spell. That might work later, once the readers are familiar with your fictional world and comfortable with your point of view character. But this early in a novel, it just interrupts the readers' fictional dream. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He didn’t bother with shaving or brushing his teeth, hygiene had never been one of Rylan’s interests.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Another comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*After his mother had died from cancer, Rylan had dropped out of school leaving his education unfinished. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches a couple paragraphs of background information about Rylan. It's essential that you, as the author, know this material. This kind of background helps you construct and rounded and complete character. But...your reader's don't need to know this--at least not right now. They want to get to know Rylan. They want to do that in the way we get to real people: through their words and deeds, not through a narrated bio. You could reveal bits of this through his actions. For example, maybe he's got a tattered photo he keeps of his mother and sister. All you need here is a touch, through the setting or through something he does, to hint at this background. He can reveal it later in dialogue. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Rylan unlocked the door and flipped the switch behind the counter. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Two paragraphs ago he left his room and now he's in the gas station. While you mentioned the station in the prior paragraph, the transition from place to the other was a little bumpy. I'd consider just a touch more description to orient the reader in space. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Let me get two packs of Cools please,” the man asked,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Isn't it "Kools?" *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


308
308
Review of The Stone  
Review by
Rated: 13+
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

I see you are relatively new to WDC, so I wanted to add a welcome to the site. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I hope you find your time here as productive as I have!

__________
Item Reviewed: "The Stone" 
Author Salem O'Rourke
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Carl is a little heavy. Well, obese really. He's so big that they won't let him on airplanes. He prays for something to fall from the sky to help him lose weight. Of course, it does, in the form of a meteor. As with all things free, there is a price...

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Carl's head--until the end, when we seem to be in third person omniscient.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
modern day

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This is kind of sparse, but sufficient for staging.

__________
*Check2*Characters
This is all Carl. He's depressed, overweight, and just a bit angry at the way people treat him. When his shortcut to weight loss drops from the sky, he thinks he's got it made.

__________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

When you revealed Carl's thoughts, you put them in italics. That's correct. However, current practice is to NOT use dialog tags for thoughts.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in this essay   on short stories.

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

This is a clever story, with a nice twist at the ending. It's also a cautionary tale about the hidden cost of shortcuts, so it's got a great theme, too. I've made quite a few suggestions below about how to tweak the prose here and there, but I really did like this story quite a lot.

I'd say, though, that the tension dissipates as Carl blacks out at the end, and the final paragraphs in the morgue feel tacked on. Instead, you might consider ending as Carl watches in horror while his hands balloon up again, right before the darkness closes in.

I love stories with a twist, and this one delivered. It's clever and original. Thanks for sharing!!!

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Carl walked through the parking lot of the airport, head hung low. He had been kicked off another flight.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Good opening. You name your point of view character, he's doing something, and you orient the reader in space and time. My only suggestion is to perhaps use a stronger verb than "walked"--perhaps he "trudged?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*He just new there would be some song *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: knew *Exclaim*

*Cut* I should just end it all, he thought.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The italics tell the reader that this is his thought. Best practice is to not use tags on thoughts, so I'd drop the "he thought." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Suddenly, Carl heard a whizzing sound and his garage was annihilated by a huge meteorite.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was annihilated" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. Thus, it's generally better to use active verb forms. I'd also reconsider the "suddenly." Instead, you might show his reaction in some way to illustrate the sound was unexpected. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I scrambled to get out of his car, in case another one came for him.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: HE scrambled... *Exclaim*
*Cut*Stepping cautiously around his suburban, he walked as though he were stepping around land mines towards his smoldering garage.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I like the simile there that describes how he walks, but I think you don't need the adverb "cautiously." It slows the pace and just weakens the great description that follows. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"What is that?" he asked himself quietly *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "asks quietly" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations mentioned above. Perhaps he "murmurs?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*Sitting neatly inside it,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here's another...maybe "nestled?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*It was a greenish grey in color, etched into the top of it was a small dial. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comm. splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Its a weight losing machine!" *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Typo: should be "it's" *Exclaim*

*Cut*strutting like a Chip and Dale's model.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: Chippendale's. Unless you meant the cartoon characters Chip and Dale, who are chipmunks. *Smile* *Exclaim*

*Cut*"You're to big to be on our flight. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: too big *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Maybe I wasn't so lucky after all," he said softly, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "said softly" is another weak verb/adverb. *Exclaim*



__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


309
309
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Successor - Chapter 1: Pieces in Play" 
Author LCVarnum
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
This chapter is in four scenes. In the first we meet Baron, a wealthy engineer, and his wife. This appears disconnected from the remaining three scenes.

In scene two, Saneem, a driller on Auris 3,falls, breaks an arm, and in so doing discovers an engineered tunnel on a world that is supposed to be uninhabited.

In scene three, we meet Olivia Potrelli, a semi-high-up official with the company as she receives a preliminary report from a low-level, youthful functionary James Thaton on Auris 3 about the tunnel.

In the final scene, we're in Thaton's office on Auris 3 as he begins to direct the investigation of the tunnel.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
For the most part you have used an omniscient narrator for this chapter. A lot of classic SciFi used this technique, and it was common as recently as twenty years ago. However, the omniscient narrator has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today.

About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited. In the latter, the author selects one character in each scene as the point of view character. The author then writes the scene from inside that character's head: we know only what s/he sees, hears, smells, thinks, etc. Everything else the reader must infer from tone, body language, and other things, just as we do in real life. The idea is that this increases the readers' connection with that character and thus deepens their engagement with the fictional world.

Thus, one of my main suggestions for this story is that you select a point of view character for each scene and stick with it. A novel can have many point of view characters, but only one per scene. In particular, I noted in the second scene a "head hop," where you jumped from Sameen to Kezlo to help you pick out what I'm talking about.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
You scattered lots of little clues about the background without going overboard. Kudos for avoiding the deadly "info-dump."

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
In the first two scenes, this was pretty good, more than sufficient for staging. I could have used more in the latter two scenes, as it would have given more insight to character and status. I'd also like to know what James' office is like--is it jury-rigged as befits an outpost, or is it more established?

__________
*Check2*Characters
Potrelli and Thaton are the two strongest characters here, and they come through pretty well in their words, deeds, and thoughts. The other minor characters arent' so well fleshed out, but this is only the first chapter.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I thought the dialog was great in this chapter.


__________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in this essay   on short stories.

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

This chapter really gained momentum starting with the second scene. From that point forward, you had good tension, and showed a great deal of what the plot will likely be about. The last three scenes are all connected, and are in the middle of on-going action. The first scene, though, was slow and not really connected to what followed. Openings are absolutely critical for any story, as they are your first and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not read your submission based only on your first sentence. I'd strongly recommend that you move your first scene later, even to another chapter, and keep this one focused on the mystery of the cavern.

I liked reading this. The mystery of the tunnel is an excellent hook, although I wish I cared a bit more about the main characters. So far, all of them except Sameen seem a bit...aloof. There's good tension, foreshadowing, and mystery. You clearly have an outline for your future world, with depth and detail, but haven't overwhelmed us with it--instead you tantalized. Thanks for sharing!


__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*The vast beyond. An endless black void. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Be careful about fragments--especially in your opening paragraph. My ideal opening names the point of view character, puts him or her in action, and orients the reader in space and time. If you can give a hint of the main conflict of the story, so much the better. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The reflexes he had developed as a child were all that kept his fall from being fatal when the earth gave way beneath him twenty years later. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This was a bit of a surprise, as the previous paragraph was in the past. In a couple more sentences we learn he's not on Earth. I'd consider orienting the reader at once as to time and location of the current action. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Instead, he landed on his arm and felt hot pain that sent stars to his eyes coupled with the pop of his forearm breaking.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Writing "he felt hot pain" filters the sensation through Sameen. It's almost always more intimate and immediate for your readers if you describe what he felt directly. Since you're in his point of view, they will know he felt it. If you want to emphasize he felt it, then show him reacting, for example with a grimace. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He had fallen into a cavern; a long and narrow one that sloped downwards from the ledge he had landed on. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The word "cavern" appears three more times in this paragraph. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it's generally better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Kelzo watched the man ascend and disappear into the hole, then began to inspect the walls of the cavern. Sameen’s assessment had been correct, that much was clear.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here we've hopped from Sameen's head to Kelzo's. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Missus Potrelli, there is a call from Mister James Thaton, the site manager for Auris-three.”
“Put it through.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches a third scene, in a new location and with a new point of view character. Instead of starting with a pair of disembodied voices, I'd consider orienting the reader first in space and time, giving us a hint of who is about to speak and the context. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“No, ma’am,” James Thaton said, his demeanor unshaken by her barragement*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: should be "barrage." "Barragement" is not a word. *Exclaim*

*Cut*now she was being told they may come up empty handed. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was being told" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a receptive, passive mood. Instead you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. Here, you might have her think, "now this wet-behind-the-ears clerk is telling me..." *Exclaim*

*Cut*turning to face the man standing at the door of his office.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In a couple of sentences you name him and tell us he's the foreman of the team. Why not do it now, to help orient the reader? *Exclaim*

*Cut*For ten years he had worked for Zeferron Corp as a digger, hopping from planet to planet and burrowing deep into their crusts in search of resources. The rigorous work had left him with a weathered face, gray hair at his temples, and a hardened body. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Narrated background like this tends to stop the story and pull readers out of the fictional dream. Perhaps Thaton glances at his personnel file and reads this information? That reinforces point of view and keeps things in Thaton's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut* steel gray eyes drifting from picture to picture.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: He can't see his "steel-gray eyes," so this pulls us away from his head. It's as though the narrator is standing outside the scene, looking in, which distances the reader from the story. If you said "his gaze," instead, that keeps the reader in Thaton's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Viktor stepped up to the small console at the bottom of the wall screen and connected his device via a small wire in the back. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "small" repeats. Also, words like "small" aren't specific and don't really provide much information on scale. It's better to give a more precise picture. *Exclaim*

*Cut*James nodded his acknowledgment and watched intently.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "watched" is one of those fairly weak verbs, but the way to pep it up isn't with an adverb. Here, you might consider "peered" as a more precies verb, or have him narrow his eyes or show some other body language to show him being intent. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


310
310
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on the "noticing newbies' page. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

I'd like to welcome you to WDC. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author, and it's always nice to see another person writing gay fiction. Feel free to drop me a line if you need help navigating the shoals.

__________
Item Reviewed: "Southern Hospitality" 
Author davidvanhorne
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Ivan's brand new truck breaks down in backwoods Georgia. Luckily for him, and generous young man picks him up and offers assistance.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Ivan's point of view. Perfect.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day, with references to cell phones.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. I could have used a touch more description of the trailer mobile home, both interior and exterior. Descriptions not only set the scene, but they can reveal bits about character and plot. For example, I bet Jake had a country-western radio station playing on his truck...

__________
*Check2*Characters
Ivan and Jake, each with distinctive voices, each credible in their own way.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog was great!


__________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!


__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in this essay   on short stories.

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I liked this little story of an unexpected encounter in the back country of Georgia. The characters popped off the page, the dialogue snapped, and the plot worked well. Nice job!!! Thanks for sharing.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*"Piece of shit!" Ivan fumed. Something in the engine of his brand new truck had snapped and now the black monster was rolling to a stop in the middle of some highway that robotic sounding bitch told him to go down. With no street lights in sight, his visibility was limited to a few meters in front of his truck. Forest surrounded the highway on both sides of the two lane Georgian highway, which wound between the shallow mountains.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical to any story. They are your first and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening names your point-of-view character, places him in motion in word and deed, and orients the reader in space and time. These are all excellent things to do in an opening.

I do have some things you might consider. First, instead of starting with a disembodied voice--which editors and agents tend to dislike--you might start with Ivan reacting to something snapping in his truck and tugging at the now power-less steering to pull over. Instead of telling us the truck is new, you might have him inhale the new-car scent just as the snap occurs, adding another sensation to the opening. Also, "was limited" is passive voice, which tends to put your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead you want them to be your active partners in imagining your story, so active verb forms are usually better.
*Exclaim*

*Cut*He had been in Atlanta for another one of those useless company retreats that his bitch of a boss insisted upon having every quarter.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The word "bitch" repeats from a couple sentences ago. Be careful about repeating words and phrases, as it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Ivan took a step toward the ancient truck, the engine was loud, and he had barely made out what the young man in the baseball cap had said. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*"I got a land line back at my trailer, I'll let you call somebody who can come pick ya' up."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut* he began explaining (in a thick southern drawl) *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: most editors dislike parenthetic comments. In this case, I'd consider setting this off inside commas or dashes. *Exclaim*

*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "fish" repeats. Also, I'd put the actual words in his mouth, showing the dialogue, rather than narrating it. *Exclaim*

*Cut*In the dimly lit truck, Ivan hadn't gotten a good luck at his rescuer.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: good look *Exclaim*

b}*Cut*"Shut up, shut up," he whispered.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Scenes with two males are always tricky. You don't want to over-use names, but you need to help the reader keep track of who's who. I'd stick a "Jake" in here, just for clarity. *Exclaim*

*Cut*All ya’ll want it."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not from Georgia (I grew up in Iowa and have lived in Oklahoma for years), but this doesn't sound quite right. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


311
311
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "A Phone Call is Worth a Thousand Words " 
Author Halli Gomez
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Margaret cleans the den and finds a mysterious cell phone.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Margaret's head. Perfect.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern-day.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
I could have used a bit more description of the den, although the setting was sufficient for staging.

__________
*Check2*Characters
Margaret, her husband, and the caller.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. Not much dialog here, but it was effective.

__________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in this essay   on short stories.

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I like stories with mystery and twisty endings, and I liked this one. I made a few suggestions in the line-by-line comments about some things you might consider to have more showing and less telling in this story, but overall I thought you did a good job.

I was a little disappointed with the ending, though. It seemed a bit of a trivial thing for a message from the grave--unless, perhaps, there was some further background. For example, perhaps Margaret is strapped financially caring for her ill mother, since her father's life insurance is now all gone? If you mention that kind of thing early on, then you've set up the ending. Just a thought.

Nice story! I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Armed with her vacuum, Margaret was determined to clean the den. Clothes and food were everywhere, especially on the couch. She couldn’t remember the last time it was cleaned, cushions off, getting to the bottom clean.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical in any piece of fiction. They are your first, and best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

This opening names your protagonist and point of view character, puts her in motion, and orients the reader in space and time. You've started in media res, which is always important to remember.

Some things you might consider to make this stronger involve showing rather than telling. For example, the first sentence tells the reader about Margaret's determination. If you could show her determination instead, it would be better. For example, maybe she grits her teeth and drags the vacuum through the empty pizza boxes and wadded up newspapers of the den? Then you've body language (gritting her teeth) and action (dragging the vacuum through the mess) that shows her being determined. She take a deep breath as she surveys the task, or she might frown, again showing her state of mind. You know your character and where she's at, so you're in the best position to know how she'd show this.
*Exclaim*

*Cut*Margaret turned on the vacuum and began sucking up food lost in her thoughts until the vacuum hit something hard. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing comma after "thoughts"--otherwise, it's the food that's lost in her thoughts. *Smile* *Exclaim*

*Cut*Margaret looked around the room and out the windows. It felt like someone was watching her and suddenly she was scared. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I love the turn of the plot and the mystery here! But I've got some suggestions, too. First, phrases like "it felt like" and "was scared" filter the feeling through Margaret. It's generally more intimate and immediate for your readers to describe what she felt more directly. For example, you might describe a physical sensation--a chill down her back, or her skin prickling--as the sensation of someone watching grips her. Have the reader infer she's scared from her actions and sensations. That little step of inference is one of the ways to draw readers into her head, and hence into your story. *Exclaim*

*Cut* It made her afraid, as if something ghostly was near.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Again, can you show her being afraid? Maybe her breath catches in her throat, or her fingers quiver? *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Calm down. What cell phone? Mine is here.” he explained.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: She didn't mention a cell phone, so his response is a bit of a non sequitur. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She picked up the phone timidly saying “Hello?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here's one of those verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. This is a perfect chance for a touch more description, showing her being timid. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


312
312
Review of Meltdown  
Review by
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

I see you are new to WDC, so I'd like to welcome you here. I joined about three years ago, also with an ambition to write short stories. I've learned a lot from the many generous folks on here; I hope your time is as productive as mine has been.

I see you're also a mathematician, and we share some similar tastes in genres and authors. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, and nice to meet you!
__________
Item Reviewed: "Meltdown" 
Author DannyC
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Jon arrives at work and finds a pink slip, just the last of many insults at his new job. He confronts his arrogant and inept supervisor in a satisfying climax.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
First person, in Jon's point of view.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern Silicon Valley, with references to the dot-com bust and the economic downturn.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sparse indeed. I made some comments in the line-by-line on this. Throughout, I could use a touch more description. This is a way to provide insight in character--think about what Mark's office would like, for example, in contrast with Jon's. I bet Mark has a vanity wall, for example.

__________
*Check2*Characters
Mark, the kind of boss we all know from Dilbert and, regrettably, real life. Jon, a long-suffering programmer who produces value for his company, but without recognition or advancement. Luther, a co-worker. Luther is pretty sketchy, while the other two characters are more fully drawn.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. At the end, you did a great job with the dialogue, including non-verbal cues and believable exchanges between Jon and Mark. I'd expand the story by doing this kind of thing for all the incidents.

__________
*Check2*Grammar
The grammar was perfect as nearly as I could tell--although I didn't read closely for grammar errors.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in this essay   on short stories.

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I liked this story quite a lot. It's timely, and Jon is a sympathetic character. Mark is believable, too, I'm sorry to say.

However, much of the story is narrated rather than shown. Also, there's a time-reversal in the story. We start with Jon getting the pink slip, then move to several incidents in the past that show Mark being a jerk and the company as being incompetent. At the end, we're back in the present with your terrific climax.

I'd consider a structural change that tells the story with a linear time stream. You might start with ANOTHER worker on Jon's team getting a pink slip, and accepting it passively. Then move to explicit scenes (rather than narrated scenes) that show the bad management. Finally, have a sequential scene with Jon getting his pink slip and confronting Mark. Your idea of starting and ending with the pink slip is a good one--it gives a symmetry and unity to the story. But the time reversal, especially in a short story, tends to pull readers out of the fictional world.

To repeat, I liked this story. It may seem that I've made lots of suggestions, but I've taken the time to do this precisely because I liked the story and the characters and wanted to make suggestions on ways that you might improve the power of your tale.

Thanks for sharing, and by all means keep writing!!!

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Here we go again, I thought as I walked into my cube and saw the baby-girl innocence of the slip of paper on my keyboard. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical, since they are your first and best chance to draw readers--and editors and agents!--into your fictional world. Some editors will decide whether or not to read your story based only on your first sentence.

The strengths of this opening are that you've oriented the reader in space, established the basic conflict of the story, and introduced your narrator/point of view character. These are all good things.

There are some ways you might consider to improve this. For example, the opening sentence reverses the cause and effect sequence. He thinks, "here we go again," after he sees the pink slip, but you've reversed the order. Also, for clarity I'd say "baby-girl innocence of the pink slip of paper," so it's clear it's not a note from a co-worker.

As a matter of personal taste and style, I'd prefer having a touch of description of his cubical. Is it neat and orderly or messy? Does it have personal items, or does the company forbid those? Little touches about his personal space can provide insight into his character, or into his working situation.

As a technical note, thoughts are usually placed in italics without tags. The italics are supposed to cue the reader that we're hearing what the character is thinking.

Finally, you might consider naming Jon in your opening instead of waiting until the final scene. Giving him a name helps readers to identify with him, and so draw them into the story.
*Exclaim*

.*Cut* Mark is one of those thirty-something hot-shots who move up from programming very quickly, sensing rightly that the real bucks are made by management. He knows how to suck up to his superiors and to give the appearance that everything is always “on time and under budget”.*Exclaim*My Comment:*Cut* Here, you're telling us about Mark's character rather than showing. Later, when you describe the scene with Luther, you show him being a jerk. It's almost always stronger to show rather than tell. *Exclaim*

*Cut*In a way, it was a good thing he'd been promoted out of programming. He couldn't code his way out of a wet paper bag, and we all had to chase after him like a two-year-old, cleaning up his mess. After his promotion, I had the misfortune of inheriting some of his code and, groaned when I saw it -- typical spaghetti code with no documentation. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: More telling, which tends to pull the reader out of the story. At this point, we don't care about Mark's inept coding. We care about what our narrator will do about being fired. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Before we could even complete the initial design, Mark was in my office asking, “How is it going?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This paragraph is kind of mixed. Basically, you are narrating a set of incidents in which Mark shows his inability to manage and his lack of understanding of product design. You do this by putting some words in his mouth, and you describe the narrator's and Luther's reactions to his actions, but it's still basically narration. It wouldn't be hard to reframe this into a specific incident, where the narrator and Luther are working on the game and Mark interrupts with some stupid suggestion. They could argue a bit, and he could give them a blank stare and demand they do it his way. By making this an actual scene, it becomes more immediate and intimate for the readers. They can infer that this is typical, you can show that by dialogue. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I snort to myself, remembering the day that he called Luther and me into his office. He was trying to wheedle yet another deadline commitment out of us. In true management form, he refused to hear anything either of us had to say. He wanted it yesterday, and nothing short of that would be acceptable.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Again, you've narrated the start of this incident. I'd put the actual words in Mark's mouth, along with a description of his fancy office, designer clothes, and stylish haircut. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He was having a conversation of dire importance with his hair stylist about his next appointment. I waited, my anger building like steam in a boiling teapot. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Show the conversation, don't narrate it. Also, describe the physical feelings of the narrator as his anger builds. Perhaps his pulse throbs in his head, his face heats, and sweat runs down his sides. The idea, again, is to make it more immediate and intimate for the readers. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Well Jon, yes.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This final incident is all shown, in detail, with great non-verbals like the tapping pen and explicit dialogue. This is a powerful and terrific scene that really brings the story home. My suggestions above are to do exactly this kind of writing with the other incidents. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


313
313
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Thanks for asking me to look at your story. I really love stories with twists, and this one delivered. I wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Don't Upset Your Mother" 
Author Justin_B.
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
We meet Sandy, the favored son of a powerful man. His father wants him to be a doctor, and has arranged a privileged position for him working under a famous physician. Much to Sandy's regret, his job includes working in the morgue, and an unusual autopsy interrupts his plans for a Sunday dinner with his parents. The twist at the ending is what makes the story.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
This is first person, in Sandy's head.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day. Lots of inside background on a hospital and the operation of a morgue.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Good job here, especially in the autopsy room.

__________
*Check2*Characters
We meet Sandy, through his narration. However, other characters appear almost exclusively through narrated background rather than in person. More on this below...


__________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
First, I really liked this story. Sandy's alienation comes through clearly, along with his submission to his overbearing parent. However, long swatches of the story consist of Sandy, as narrator, telling the reader stuff. Sometimes this same stuff gets shown later, sometimes not. In every case, I think you'd have a stronger story if you showed things--especially exchanges between Sandy and others--rather than narrating them.

Now, I understand you're goal is to show that Sandy is alienated from others and from the world in general. You've got the reader solidly in his head, so we get that from his thoughts. But, by not letting other characters, you also distance your readers from Sandy's world. It's harder to show Sandy moving through his world, having others actually speak and interact with him, and show the emotional distance that Sandy has from reality. It's hard, but it's well worth it. I think you'd have a much stronger story if you showed Sandy NOT reacting to things around him, as opposed to having Sandy narrate what happens around him. The latter disconnects the reader from the story.

I think with greater attention to showing, and editing out things that are telling, you can produce a more visceral story.

The plot and theme here are powerful, and Sandy is a sympathetic character in an impossible situation. Anything you can do to make this resonate more strongly with the emotions of the readers will make this story even more more powerful.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*I am working too hard, both here and in school. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This launches several paragraphs of narrated background. Do we really need to know this now? And does it have to be narrated? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Marlene walks into the hematology lab where I am sitting.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Now we're back in the story. You could show a good bit of the above by having Marlene interact with Sandy.*Exclaim*

*Cut*She tells me there is a call for me on her extension.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd put words in her mouth instead of narrating. By giving her dialogue, you could also show (as opposed to tell) how she treats our narrator as a normal kid. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Dr. Vihngee is one of the resident pathologists. He is from India and sometimes his speech is very hard to understand. He speaks in a sing-song way that reminds me of some whacked out maharishi of the sixties. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: We can infer he's a pathologist from the subject of his call. His name, and the phonetics of the way he pronounces Sandy's name tell us he's from India. So...this bit of telling isn't necessary. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Usually autopsies are never done after one or two o'clock on Sunday afternoons. Generally when people die after noon in the hospital, the body is brought to the morgue where it is kept over night and is autopsied early Monday morning when the full pathology staff is on duty. In some cases for religious purposes like when the person is a Jew, or in police cases when foul-play is suspected, exceptions are made.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: more background that stops the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I am supposed to go home at four. Mother is expecting me for dinner at five and I am already hungry but I know that I won't be when I get finished doing the autopsy. And even if things go smoothly, which they never do, I won't get home until after seven at the earliest.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is more telling. You could tweak this a bit, say by having him glance at the clock and think about calling his mother... *Exclaim*

*Cut*I dial an outside line and call home. Father answers the phone and I tell him that I will be late for dinner. He asks me why and I tell him what I have to do. He sounds very pleased, very proud that his son has such great responsibility. He tells me that Mother is making corn beef and cabbage, which is one of my favorites, and says they will wait for me to get home so that we can all eat together. I tell him it may be after seven before I arrive and that they shouldn't wait for me; I may not be hungry. He laughs a little and says that's it's alright, they'll wait, but that I shouldn't talk about the autopsy to Mother. It may upset her. I tell him that I won't and we hang up.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not understanding why these conversations are all narrated. This is a chance to show things about the Father/son relationship that you told above. You could also have him mention something about his brother and have his father react in a negative way--again, showing rather than telling about the relationship. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"You know, Sandy, it's none of my business of course. But a kid your age shouldn't be doing this kind of crap. You should be out with the other guys playing football...goin' to the movies...or porkin' some chick. These are your best years and you don't even get a chance to enjoy them. There's plenty of time for all this work. You'll be an old man before you're even a young one," she says.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This does a nice job of showing her treating him like a normal kid. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The hospital where I work is a mammoth sprawling, nine-story building connected to the university medical school.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You could show everything in this paragraph by having your character move through the hospital and sign out for the key. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Most of them seem to be in fine health, smiling, joking, and carrying on with family members. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Rather than generalize this, I'd particularize it. Perhaps someone in line in front of him comments they are here for a specific procedure, which he knows will involve the pain you describe later. Again, showing rather than telling is almost always more powerful. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The new admit, a man about forty years old, is busy talking to his wife about tomorrow's procedure. He's going to have a cyst removed from his colon. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: See--here you've shown a particular patient with what sounds like a painful procedure. That's what I meant above. *Exclaim*

*Cut*On my way I pass dozens of visitors coming and going, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In this paragraph, you show the reader that it's a long and tedious walk to the morgue. See comments above...you could eliminate the paragraph where you tell the reader the same thing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I am walking slowly. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: walking slowly=trudging, right? *Exclaim*

*Cut*I cover the face and genitals with two green towels and retrieve all the necessary instruments: knives, scalpels, saws, probes, and rulers from the cabinet.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think this is a bit of a cheat: he SEES the face and has no reaction. From the ending, we know he does more than just see the face. I know you've established the way Sandy distances himself from the events in the autopsy room, but here there should be some momentary slippage to be credible. He needs to linger some over the face, perhaps wondering what the last minutes were like for this person, maybe wondering if his last thoughts were of those he loved. But then he needs to harden his heart: this is just another machine that's broken. Later, you might have Vinghee wonder who the person on the table was, and have Sandy pointedly not say anything. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I cannot tell her how I had spent all afternoon with John--THAT would surely upset her.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I confess I saw this coming about one-third of the way through. I suspect that's because I write twisty stories myself, and so look for these kinds of things. Most readers, I think, won't see it coming consciously. You have, however, foreshadowed it effectively so that it clicks into place as the last piece of the puzzle. *Exclaim*




__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist ** Image ID #1684591 Unavailable **


314
314
Review by
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I enjoyed reading your and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
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Item Reviewed: "Privileged Information" 
Author Justin_B.
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

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*Check2*Plot
Dr. Breslow keeps Harriet waiting for her session once. Once it starts, instead of listening to Harriet's delusional ramblings, he focuses on his own peculiar obsession. When Harriet leaves, it turns out she's been keeping her own patient waiting for his session. The tag line adds a nice twist to the plot.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator: we weave between the heads of Harriet, Breslow, and Harriet's patient. As you know, I'm not a fan of the omniscient narrator. I think, especially here where the reader needs to get into Breslow's head, it weakens the story.

I thought at least the first part of the story could be made stronger by sticking to just one point of view, most likely Breslow's. We are able to see Harriet's delusions fine by what she says during her session. You could even have Breslow deliberately delay the session, as part of her therapy.

The twist at the end, to keep its punch, probably needs to include the POV switch. Here, though, I think you should delimit it better, with an extra line break or even three centered starts. I'd also shuffle it a bit, so it's clear at once we are in a new scene (in the gallery) and with a new POV character.

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*Check2*Referencing
Modern day.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging.

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*Check2*Characters
Breslow and Harriet come through nicely. Eugene, less so, but he fulfills his function of delivering the punchline.

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*Check2*Grammar
Perfect

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
My main comments have to do with the point of view shifts. These are especially challenging in a short story, where you've only got a few paragraphs to establish that emotional connection with your characters. Every slip from one POV to another breaks the continuity of the story, the emotional connection to the character, and thus tends to pull the reader out of the story. Minimizing those switches is generally a good idea in short stories.

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
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*Cut*God it's cold in here, she thought.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Usually, editors want you to use italics to mark internal thoughts and to omit "thought tags." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Harriet said nothing, but her expression blazed with contempt.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: She can't see her expression, so this is a POV violation. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Inside his pockets he began to feel his hands twitching.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: And now we've hopped from Harriet's head to Breslow's. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Breslow could see that his patient was becoming acutely distressed.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is telling us what he sees. What nonverbal cues draw him to this conclusion? I'd describe those, and let the readers make the inference. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She felt uncomfortable discussing the matter. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hops to Harriet's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The thin rays of light shining through the vertical blinds painted long, dark shadows down his face and onto his chest. He looked like he was sitting behind bars-prison bars. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: nice image. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The very same ones she would soon be behind.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: ears perk up...nice foreshadowing...except that there's no apparent follow-through. *Exclaim*

*Cut*There. That was a loaded enough statement. She'd have plenty to talk about now. If he was lucky, he wouldn't have to say another word for the rest of the session. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hops back to Breslow's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He could feel his heart pounding,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Writing "he could feel..." filters the sensation through Breslow's head. It's usually more intimate and immediate for your readers to describe what he feels directly. Since you're in his POV, they will infer he felt it. That little step of inference also helps to draw readers into your story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He didn't hear the phone ring; he was too absorbed in the picture he was studying: a reverse silhouette, white relief against dark maroon.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Jumps to Eugene's head... *Exclaim*

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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay   on short stories.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist Image #1684591 over display limit. -?-


315
315
Review by
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on
 Power Reviewers List  (ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Kirina - Chapter 1 Excerpt 1" 
Author Kalistra
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*
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*Check2*General Impressions
There is much to love about this short excerpt. The descriptions have a fine, sonorous ring to them, and you use excellent, vivid imagery. The hook at the end is also good. I do have some suggestions, but overall I think this is a fine piece of writing.

______________________
*Check2*Plot
Prince Ravan flees on horseback, chased by assassins. He enters a strange, petrified forest, where his horse stumbles and throws him. He knows he can flee no more and rises, drawing his swords to face his attackers in a final, futile battle. Just as they bear down on him, an arrow from nowhere kills the lead assassin.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
This is where I will focus most of my comments. I apologize if you already know what I'm writing here.

This chapter uses an omniscient narrator. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with this, and much great literature has used this approach. However, it is out of style today, so much so that it has all but vanished from modern fiction. About 30% of all fiction today uses first person voice, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

In third person limited, the story uses a third person narrator, but the author writes each scene from the point of view of one character. The author immerses the reader in what that character sees, smells, feels, and senses. In close third person limited, the author might even reveal the character's thoughts. However, if the character can't see, hear, sense, or know something, then it's not in the narrative. Instead, the author has to lead the readers to infer it, just as the character would. The idea is that this approach is more immediate and intimate for the readers, and hence draws them more deeply into the story.

This chapter is almost, but not quite, written in third person limited. There are many little places where the author stands to one side and tells the reader about what the character is seeing rather than putting the reader in the character's head. I've noted a few of these in the line-by-line. More importantly, though, the narrative misses chances to immerse the reader in Ravan's head. I think this would be greatly improved if you tweaked it so that, from the first sentence, we are inside Ravan looking out instead of outside Ravan looking over events.

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*Check2*Referencing
We learn this is a fantasy, swords-and-probably-sorcerers world, that the Prince is fleeing enemies, and that he has (or had) a loyal following. That's enough for the first chapter. I especially like that you avoided the temptation, endemic in fantasy novels, to give the reader and info-dump about the politics, or other tedious details. Info-dumps distract from the story.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
This is the great strength of this excerpt. You not only set the scene, you establish a dark, foreboding mood. Nicely done!

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*Check2*Characters
Since I felt like I was outside Ravan watching him act, I didn't get the emotional connection that I'd expect in a first chapter. Again, I think tweaking along the above lines would help that.

*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I marked one or more in the line-by-line.

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in my blog.  

Again, this is a very well-written opening chapter. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.

______________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
______________________
*Cut*The stars shone bright and aloof in the sky, illuminating little of Darkham Forest. The stark trees reached up,imploring, begging for their secrets to be revealed.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are absolutely critical to the success of any story. Many editors will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first paragraph, sometimes just on your first sentence.

What you've written here is beautiful. But it's the narrator, standing outside the story, describing scenery. An opening should start in media res. I'd save this lovely description and start with the rider hustling through the night. I'd name the rider up front, to help readers identify with him. I'd have him shudder, or have his heart thud in his chest, or his muscles drag at him from fatigue. Do something with a sensation, in his head, that helps to put the reader in his point of view. Draw your reader into the action of the events and into your hero's head. That will draw them into the story.

*Exclaim*

*Cut*The peaceful sounds of the slumbering woods were broken by the thunder of hoof beats;*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "were broken" is passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you'd like them to be your active partners in imaginging your fictional world. For this reason, it's generally better to use active verb forms. Notice, too, that this distances us from the rider (who hasn't appeared yet), since he can't notice how his thundering hooves are disturbing the peace of the forest. Now, if you show owls fluttering away as he thunders by, then you are showing the peace being disturbed rather than telling about it, and it's something that he'd see, so you're reinforcing his point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*A rider burst into a clearing, his black stallion foam flecked and steaming as if emerging from the flaming pits of the Netherworld. Precious moments were lost to gaze at the stars and direct his steed towards the Northern Traverse.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: These are two sentence that are, again, lovely, but distance the reader from Ravan. The narrator is standing outside the events and describing them rather than putting the reader in the middle of things. I almost never re-write what an author has written, but I'm going to make an exception just to drive home my point about immersing the reader in Ravan's point of view. You write wonderfully and you can do this better than I can, and in your own style, but here goes:

Ravan burst into the clearing as if emerging from the flaming pits of the Netherworld. He tugged at the reins of his black stallion and the leather slapped against the animal's foam-flecked neck. It snorted, and steam jetted from its nostrils. His eyes searched the stars for bearings. He silently cursed the delay before turning his steed toward the Northern Traverse.

Now, I'm sure you can do better. But I want to focus here on the differences, not in style, but in content. Instead of "a" rider and "a" clearing, Ravan bursts into "the" clearing. That's specific, and encourages the reader to form a specific image of what's happening. Instead of telling the reader that the horse is foam-flecked, it's part of an action that Ravan takes. This puts it in his in his point of view, as something he would sense. Instead of "precious moments were lost," which is passive voice and the narrator telling the reader things, he curses the lost moments, letting the reader infer they were precious. The differences have to do with inside Ravan, looking out, and outside Ravan, looking at things. The idea is that the former is more immediate and intimate for the readers, and hence preferable. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Over a stream, through a small vale and out of the forest.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: fragment. This can be effective if not over-used. I'm not quite sure why you'd choose to do a fragment here, though. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He stumbled to a tree, looked around and saw he was on the far side of a clearing, the tree he was leaning on a veritable giant amongst giants.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*Prince Ravan’Thor d’Ardoles saw there were five assassins left. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Is there some reason you delayed naming him until now? Also, this is the third or fourth time he's seen, or found something. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The man was ripped off his horse, which leaped aside to avoid the prince.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: passive voice *Exclaim*

______________________
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
316
316
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

You couldn't possibly remember this, but you gave me my very first review here on Writing.com, back in August of 2007. In addition to helpful comments, you encouraged me to keep writing, which I did. You did a great job of welcoming me to this site, for which I'll always be grateful.


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Item Reviewed: "State Of Fatal Rapture" 
Author bilwilcox
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

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*Check2*Plot
In this short teaser, we meet Jack Koff. He's got this, uh, intriguing fetish. I think the technical term is paraphilia, where sexual arousal is tied to non-normative situations which may be harmful. So this guy Jack, he gets his rocks off by sticking a loaded revolver in this mouth and almost, but not quite, pulling the trigger. That gives you a killer opening. Well, okay, he doesn't kill himself. But it sure is an effective opening, with a powerful hook.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Jack's mouth, I mean head.

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*Check2*Referencing
Most likely modern day. You only had five hundred words.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. Nothing more needed for this teaser.

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*Check2*Characters
Jack. His revolver. I'm not sure which is smarter.

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*Check2*Grammar
I had a couple of nits.

*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

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*Check2*Just my opinion...
Great opening, great hook, marvelous idea for a novel. It's kind of like the David Cronnenberg movie "Crash" (based on a novel by J.G. Ballard). This gives you the opportunity to explore many themes, and to present a compelling story. In order to work, of course your characters have to be believable. Most people will find Jack's desires bizarre, but you've done a good job of making him human.

In short, I loved your teaser.

I couldn't help myself, and made some comments on some technical things below--more preferences on style than anything.

Thanks for sharing!

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*The wind screamed at the windows, pounded at the doors until the house creaked and moaned under the attack. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I love the opening..but for two things. First, I hate to the grammar police, but shouldn’t there be an “and” after “windows?” Second, your next paragraph would be a killer opening. It names the point of view character, orients the reader in space and time, and has a fantastic hook. I’d consider swapping the order of these two. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Jack Koff sat on the edge of his bed and listened, figured if he could just kill himself everything would be fine, the end to his addiction would be intimately more intense than the physical phase that had preceded it.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: So I already said how much I liked this…but it’s a comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Falling back onto the bed, he felt numb in his extremities, his feet and hands icy cold*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I tend to avoid phrases like “he felt.” This filters the sensations through your character. It is usually more immediate and intimate for your readers to describe directly what he felt. They will infer he felt because you’re in his head and, in this case, describing his body. That little step of inference helps to draw your readers into your story, too. *Exclaim*.

*Cut*He was ecstatic knowing that eventually he’d hear the snapping of the hammer against the cartridge rim, the explosion, the ejaculation of the bullet. It was all so sensual and he couldn’t wait for the end . . . .*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment:Wonderful use of language here. Michael Nava writes in one of his novels that the Spanish slang term for orgasm is “the little death.” Come to think of it, that was the title. *Exclaim*

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I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist Image #1684591 over display limit. -?-


317
317
Review of Triple Danger  
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

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Item Reviewed: "Triple Danger" 
Author BIG BAD WOLF is hopping
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
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As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

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*Check2*Plot
Rodger Longshanks is a cur who shamelessly cheats on his wife. He ignores a text message from her threatening divorce and heads to a planned rendezvous. Along the way, an old man stops him and warns him to be faithful. Alas, for Rodger, he ignores the warning. The events that ensue make the ghosts of Christmas past pale in comparison.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Rodger's point of view.

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*Check2*Referencing
Modern day.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
This is a little sparse, especially as Rodger awakens to his three tormentors. A touch more detail might help set the, uh, mood.

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*Check2*Characters
Rodger, the cad. I kind of like his wife. Oh, and her helpers, too.

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*Check2*Grammar
Perfect on the technical aspects of grammar--excellent job!

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
I liked this story and it's clever ending, which made me smile. I don't have much to suggest from a structural point of view, since I thought this was about perfect. You might foreshadow the ending a touch more at the beginning--for example, a detail or two more about where he was headed might help orient the reader when he awakens. Otherwise, excellent work!

I've got a few nitpicks in the line-by-line comments, but I really enjoyed this story. Thanks for asking me to read it.

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Rodger Longshanks looked at his cellphone. On it was another message from his wife. It said, “Honey, if you come home smelling like perfume again, I’m getting a divorce.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Good opening: you name the point of view character, have him doing something, and give an indication of his character and the plot. The sentences are a little choppy, though, and verbs like "looked," "was," and "said" don't present very strong images. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Suddenly, someone grabbed his shoulders and said, in a shaky voice, “Buddy, do yourself a favor and go home to your wife right now.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "suddenly" is more or less implied by "grabbed." It might be stronger to have him flinch, or give a start, or whirl
when someone grabbed his shoulder. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“All of those women, and I can’t do even one of them without taking some God-forsaken pill for some medical reason!”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "For some medical reason" seems incongruous: we know what the reason is, right? *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” the old man said, running as fast as he could.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "running as fast as he could" jumps to Leonardo's point of view. To keep it in Rodger's you might just say something about his breath gasping or some other nonverbal cue to suggest that he's running as fast as he can. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Sometime later, Rodger woke up with a pounding headache. He had some trouble moving, as it felt like his arms and legs were tied up. Also, the place was quite dark.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "sometime later..." is the narrator intruding to state a fact, and slips out of Rodger's point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The werewolf then grabbed his shirt collar and ripped the shirt down the middle.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "shirt" used twice in this sentence. Repeating words and phrases like this can make your prose seem monotone, so it's usually better to have a more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“What?!” Rodger asked. Then he saw one of Julia’s arms moving down, and felt something slip into his pants.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "pants" repeats several times here. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Suddenly, a door burst open, and standing in the doorway was a highly attractive woman, with blue eyes and long blond hair. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "suddenly" and "highly" are two tepid adverbs. The first is implied by "burst," while I'd give a more specific description for the second. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Oh, I will,” Anita said with an evil smile of her own. “Of course, I could always show him something worse than a were-man, my mother.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: hahahaha *Exclaim*


__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1412700 by Not Available.



Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


318
318
Review of Martyr Chapter 2  
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Martyr Chapter 2" 
Author Bethany - Thanks Angels!
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*
I only reviewed Chapter 2. At 2000 words, it's just about an optimal length or an in-depth review. Time permitting, I'll come back to Chapter 3 sometime this weekend.

__________
*Check2*Plot
Evie wakes up on the sofa in her apartment. Chloe is bubbling over with enthusiasm, cooking breakfast in the kitchen, her thoughts buzzing like happy little bumble bees through Evie's skull. The two share breakfast, we learn a bit more of Evie's history, and that Chloe wants to move in. At the end, Evie reluctantly agrees to let her stay for a while, and Chloe seems to assume it's forever.

This chapter did a good job of advancing the romantic theme that you hinted at in the first chapter, and of developing both the characters and their budding relationship. You also smoothly inserted background material without the dreaded info-dump.

However, the tension of the first chapter is mostly gone. Are we supposed to be fearful that the attacker will return? If so, they both seem marvelously unconcerned. Chloe seems to want to move in because she genuinely likes Evie. So, after this chapter, I'm not clear if this is a romance or a thriller. It can be both, of course, but if you intend thriller I'd try to find a place to add an edge of danger to this chapter.

I also was a bit confused by some time-line elements, noted in the line-by-line. I know you revised chapter one, so perhaps my confusion comes from having read the earlier version and not the revision.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
First person, in Evie's point of view. Perfect.

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*Check2*Referencing
Modern day. Consistent with first chapter.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
As before, I could use more of this. We know the spare room in Evie's place is empty, and I guess it's a house as opposed to a duplex or apartment. But what is the decor like? Is the sofa ratty, with stuffing coming out of an arm, or is it soft, supple leather? Are there family pictures on the walls? You hint that Evie isn't the neatest soul, so I'd expect dust bunnies, old newspapers, pizza boxes, etc. A touch more description of the setting not only orients the reader but gives insight in Evie's character.

__________
*Check2*Characters
Chloe comes across as a little bubble-headed in this chapter, while we do see Evie's anti-social tendencies. The presentation of Chloe as a spoiled senator's daughter isn't quite consistent with her actions, although this could be Evie's (unreliable) opinion. Similarly, it's Evie's perception of her that makes her seem shallow and not too bright. She could be quite the contrary.

__________
*Check2*Grammar
More comma splices, and some typos. Some adverbs that constituted telling, too.


__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
This is a good chapter that advanced character and relationship, but I didn't seem much to push the plot forward. If this is a thriller, we need to be afraid for these two characters--at least we should be reminded of their danger.

The hook at the end related only to the relationship. It didn't seem particularly strong to me, partly because it's all internal thought. Maybe Chloe should be humming something vapid while she loads the dishwasher and Evie watches her through hooded eyes. That gives a contrast to the two characters, and a sense of foreboding.


__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Chloe’s lips moved to a muted song as she danced around my kitchen.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I liked having her "dance" around the kitchen. I'd name the song--it gives insight to character and sets mood. Since she's in the kitchen, I'd consider adding some scents to this opening: bacon sizzling, coffee brewing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Her long red hair fell down her back in perfectly constructed soft curls.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "long" is one of those indeterminate adjectives that should cue you to look for something more specific. "Perfectly" doesn't paint a visual picture, either. In this case, you might have her curls corkscrew down her back to her waist, for example. *Exclaim*

*Cut*My face looked better than it had when I came home the night before, at least.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm a little confused about the timing--unless you changed it in Chapter 1. Last I recall, it was the middle of the night and they were going to leave the hospital first thing in the morning. *Exclaim*

*Cut*best I can do is make sure you get a home cooked meal.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: home-cooked *Exclaim*

*Cut*She flit around my kitchen, *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: flitted *Exclaim*

*Cut*Every action she took was full of life.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: telling...you have shown this through her bubbly actions, so you don't need to tell the reader this. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Why did Chloe, a spoiled senator’s kid,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: a spoiled kid wouldn't have done the laundry, cleaned the bathroom, shopped for groceries, or fixed breakfast. Or is this supposed to be Evie, the unreliable narrator? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Don’t tell her. She’ll be pissed. She thought. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: For consistency, I'd put her internal thoughts in italics as you do later in this paragraph. Ordinarily, internal thoughts never have a dialog tag ("she thought"), but you'll need to distinguish between Evie's internal thoughts and the ones that she senses from Chloe. So, here, I'd have a lead-in like, "Her thoughts bubbled in my mind like diet Coke..." or some such. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Yeah.” She projected so loudly, it was hard to tell what she had said aloud and what she had just thought. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: A little blip here, again. I think you mean, "She HAD projected..." Also, as you know, I'm adverb-averse. Instead of "projected so loudly," I'd have her thoughts "blare like a brass band" or something vivid. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Oh no. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. Damnit. She’s going to think I’m crazy. Alex said she was, but I don’t think so. She’s just sad. I wonder what she’s going to say. Oh man, please don’t kick me out.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Alex? And he said she was what? Crazy? *Exclaim*

*Cut*I scowled at her, feeling my teeth clench.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: When you write, "feeling my teeth clench," you're filtering the sensory information through Evie. It's more intimate and immediate for the readers if you describe the sensation directly--perhaps her jaw aches as her teeth clench. Since you're in her point of view, the readers will infer she felt it. In fact, that's one way to draw them into her head and hence into your story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*But I’m not stupid, you knew where to find me and you’ve been answering questions I didn’t say out loud since the beginning of the semester.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. Since the beginning of the semester? How long has she been around Evie? Somehow, I thought this was the day after the rescue. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Years of living by myself, years of barely speaking a word to anyone. Now, the first time I open up for a second, they find out first thing that I’m a freak. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The first sentence is a fragment. Used sparingly for effect, this is fine--just be aware! In the second sentence, "first time" is used twice. Repeating words and phrases can give your prose a monotone feeling, so it's usually better to have more varied word choice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*I don’t know why she’s so mad. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone. I want her to be my friend. She’s so sad, she needs someone here. I shouldn’t have told her. I wish I would have just kept my stupid mouth shut! Chloe continued to muse in her own head, and consequently in mine as well. She was so loud it was impossible to shut her out. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd invert the order here, and lead with the sentences "Chloe continued to muse..." That affirms that Evie is receiving her thoughts and helps orient the reader. *Exclaim*

*Cut*You have a room I can have, I can clean and cook and do the laundry. I’ll even do all the grocery shopping and I’ll get rid of Muse and everything I promise.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. Who or what is "Muse?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*You know I can hear your thoughts, and you want me to move in and, what?*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo *Exclaim*

*Cut*“My cat.” She bit her lip, and her despondency washed over me with pins and needles. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: That answers that question. But...she had a cat in her dorm room? I'm amazed. I'm sure our dorms forbid that. *Exclaim*

*Cut*What the hell just happened are you okay?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice without the comma. This is two sentences. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“I didn’t say you could be be my roommate yet.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: extra word *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

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319
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Martyr Chapter 1 " 
Author Bethany - Thanks Angels!
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

I'd also like to welcome you to Writing.Com. This is a great place to learn and grow as an author. I've been here about three years, and have made many personal and professional friendships. I hope you find your time here as valuable as I've found mine.

__________
*Check2*Plot
Evelyn has psychic powers that enable her to--sometimes--sense the thoughts and emotions of others. The chapter launches as she dashes across campus to answer and urgent call for help from a young woman who has been attacked in her dorm room. She arrives just in time, disables the attacker with a jiu-jitsu move. However, the impact of the attacker's emotions send her into a three-day coma. She awakes in the hospital to find the woman she saved, Chloe, asleep in a chair by her bed. The chat some, and it turns out Chloe is the daughter of a senator. It seems the senator is a bit of a, uh, pill. While he's wealthy, Chloe appears to be a bit cowed by her.

They chat some, and Evelyn expresses a desire to leave the hospital. Chloe agrees, but says wait until morning. There's a hint of possible romance between these two, as well.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
First person, in Chloe's head. Since she can read minds, she's in the head of several other characters. I made a comment on this in the line-by-line remarks below.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Modern day, college campus in the US.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
While sufficient for staging, this was pretty sparse, especially at the beginning. I could have used many more details. From later conversation, I infer the attack must have happened at 9-10PM, so there should have been people about on campus and in the dorm. However, during the scene, there was no mention of time of day or setting, except to say she was headed to the coed dorm. I think adding a touch more details would help to orient the reader in space and time.

__________
*Check2*Characters
Evelyn, with psychic powers that she apparently keeps secret. Chloe, a senator's daughter. Chloe seems like a caring person who is from a privileged background. She also seems almost afraid of her father.

The attacker appeared briefly, with appropriate menace. Doubtless we'll see more of him.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog in this chapter was great, including the interspersed thoughts that Evelyn sensed from the others. However, their conversation seemed to me to be a little too matter-of-fact, under the circumstances. They've never met, they've just shared a horrific experience, and Evelyn nearly died. I'd expect more emotional energy in their conversation.


__________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Adverbs.*Exclaim* You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. *Rolleyes* I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in
STATIC
Long Musings on Short Stories  (E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

This is an excellent opening chapter. You start in the middle of tense action scene, and you introduce your two main characters. You also seamlessly introduce essential plot elements, such as Evelyn's abilities, without interrupting the flow of the chapter. While it may look like I made a lot of comments in the line-by-line remarks below, these are mostly nibbling at the edges of a well-plotted opening chapter, with believable characters.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*His plan had been to drag me inside the second he opened the door, but I kicked as he unlocked it. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is pretty matter-of-fact, and borders on a head-hopping (more on this below). Here, though, I wonder of you could find a more energetic way to describe the attacker's thoughts? They turn from curious to "furious" in seconds. How about instead saying they "seethe with rage?" Instead of just saying what is plan is, perhaps his plan "boils" into her brain. The final clause, too, is almost too matter of fact. Stretch this out a bit more, perhaps with a bit of setting as well. Describe the door lurching open and his hand reaching for her. He's big, right? So maybe he hulks in front of her. But she balances one foot (?) and the other lashes out, just like she learned in self-defense class. Help us to see this climax in her senses. Follow this with him perhaps shouting and blood splattering from his broken nose. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The small crowd gathering outside of the room held the man, and his anger was sending reels of nausea through my vulnerable mind. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: How did the crowd know to gather? Did she call out earlier? Why are they holding him back? Is he struggling with them? You might mention his eyes glaring at her from behind the ski mask--which you don't mention until later. Details here will help make this more immediate and intimate for the readers. I like the bit about his anger sending reels of nausea, but I'd make it a separate sentence. This is an action scene. Shorter sentences will read faster, which will give this a greater sense of urgency. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Her face was worried as she compared my pulse to the monitors. "You were really starting to worry us there."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "Worry" and "worried" used in close proximity. Repeating words and phrases can make your prose seem monotone, so it's usually better to have a more varied word choice. Also, "her face was worried" is telling the reader about her expression instead of showing it. If, instead, she peers into the narrator's eyes and frown creases her forehead, then the reader can infer she's worried. That little step of inference helps to draw the reader into the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Evie… Evelyn.”

She checked my chart, nodding at my answer. “Good girl. How many fingers?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: We're two pages in before we learn the narrator's gender. It'd better if you could squeeze this in earlier, along with some sense of her appearance. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“July 20th, so I’m 22. See, math skills are perfect. Anymore questions?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Hmmm...if her birthdate was July 20, 1890 that wouldn't indicate such good math skills. Since she didn't give a year, the second sentence doesn't follow. *Exclaim*

*Cut*What if she’s scared, I don’t want to scare her. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Why was she even here? *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm wondering the same thing. It's after hours, and she's not a family member. In fact, she's a stranger. It seems most unusual the hospital would permit her to be there. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The nurse tried to smile as she looked wearily at the girl. “I really do have other patients, would you explain to your friend what happened?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice. Also, the "wearily" is telling. I'd consider a more specific description of her demeanor, and let the readers infer she's weary. *Exclaim*

*Cut*One of the guys knew how to do CPR or whatever and did it until security came.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing word? *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Stop!” She looked at me, confusion plain on her face. “Sorry, it’s fine. Thanks for being here, I guess.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I was a little confused here. The "Stop" is Evelyn speaking, but the next sentence is the other girl's non-verbal reaction. Then you have Evelyn speaking again. Since the middle is the other girls non-verbal response, I'd put it in a separate paragraph, just as you would if she spoke words. I'd also lead into the "stop" with a bit of body language from Evelyn, for clarity. Perhaps she holds up her hand? *Exclaim*

*Cut*She had presumably sat in the hospital with me for a few days, the least I could do was not yell at her. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“Can I ask you something?” She asked quietly. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. "Asked" is pretty tepid, but "quietly" doesn't really add much to the auditory image. Now, if she whispered, or murmured, or if you described the timbre of her voice, we'd have a more complete picture. *Exclaim*

*Cut*She paused, mind projecting tons of questions as she sorted through, looking for the one that would be the most important. “How did you know where I was?”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Under the circumstances, wouldn't the quest be "how did you know I needed help?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*This girl wasn’t so easy to put off, she was eager for someone to latch onto.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*If I hadn’t been nice to the cops, they probably would never have stopped asking questions. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a little thin. She's a senator's daughter. I'm sure campus police would know that, and would follow through. Also, where's her father? It's been three days. I'd think he'd have been around. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Her frown deepened, thoughts curious and excited.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a little tricky. Obviously, you've jumped into Chloe's head here. Ordinarily, this would be a big no-no: editors hate it when authors head-hop between characters in a scene. In this case, though, Evelyn CAN hop into Chloe's head, and that's what's happening. Still, you will want to keep your reader firmly fixed in Evelyn's point of view, so I'd take care to have these little jumps phrased so that they are in her head. Here, for example, you might write, "her thoughts tasted curious and excited" or "her curious and excited thoughts prodded at my brain." Some little reminder that it's Evelyn who is reading Chloe's emotions, rather than the author intruding to tell us Chloe's state of mind. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Look, I don’t want to be here anymore, I’m going to be very behind in my school work, and before long they’re going to start asking questions about a lack of history, falsified reports, all kinds of things.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“I’m Evelyn, everyone just calls me Evie.” *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*She shrugged, going to sit back in her chair. “You should probably try to sleep. I’ll call my dad in the morning and see what I can do.”

“Right. Thanks.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I wish we had a little bit stronger hook here. You've given the reader lots of reasons to be fearful for Evelyn and Chloe, but it never hurts to remind them of this at the end of a chapter. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

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Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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320
320
Review of Epitaph (Edited)  
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "Epitaph (Edited)" 
Author Raoc
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
On a mission into the depths of interstellar space, a coolant leak in a reactor threatens the mission and crew. One nameless crewman can save his mates and the ship, but at a high cost...

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited. Perfect.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Far future, well-established.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Good job here, too. you oriented the reader from the outset.

__________
*Check2*Characters
We meet just one character, who does his job in a calm, almost relentless manner. He doesn't see himself as a hero, just a guy who does what he's supposed to do.

__________
*Check2*Grammar
One typo.

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in
STATIC
Long Musings on Short Stories  (E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

This is a pretty short story, and is almost all internal dialog. But it packs a powerful punch nonetheless. It reminded me a bit of Heinlein's "The Long Watch," but you've brought your own original flavor to the theme and plot. Thanks for sharing: I enjoyed reading it!!

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
*Cut*The emergency bolts slammed home with a mechanical crash. That simplified his options. He had two: float aimlessly until he lost consciousness and died, or keep trying to repair the leak until he lost consciousness and died. It seemed like a no-brainer, so he headed back to work.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Great opening! It's full of tension, establishes the plot, and orients the reader in space and time. Initially, my only nit was that I wished you had named the point of view character. I see from the final line that this is probably a deliberate choice, in keeping with the theme of the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The engineers who designed this craft certainly had a perfectly good reason for requiring this particular substance as an engine coolant.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This paragraph feels a bit like an info-dump from the author, which pulls the reader out of the story. It wouldn't take much to tweak this and put it into your character's point of view. Perhaps these thoughts cascade through his head as he considers his predicament, for example... *Exclaim*

*Cut*H simply reasoned that as long as he was still alive,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: "He" simply reasoned... *Exclaim*

*Cut*He looked up to see the crew commander in the porthole window, a look of anxious anticipation on his face. He held one finger up, a gesture to wait. He turned back to his work, and found no bubbles had formed. The leak was sealed. He turned back to his commander and gave a thumbs-up. Relief washed over the commander’s face. He pushed clumsily off the wall and drifted slowly over the porthole window. He grabbed the handle and looked at his commander.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Many sentences here have the same structure: "he did X..." This can give your prose an unintended monotone feeling, so you might consider re-working some of them. *Exclaim*

*Cut*“We can’t open this area until we vent the compartment,” his commander shouted through the thick window.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd think this would come via an intercom rather than through a sealed pressure door. *Exclaim*

__________
b}__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

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Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
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321
321
Review of Solitude  
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

__________
Item Reviewed: "Solitude" 
Author laterality101
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
This is a wrenching monologue, a man narrating his descent into despair and solitude. As plot, it's rather thin. As an emotional journey, it's fraught with meaning.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
first person, in our nameless narrator's head.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
We learn toward the end that the story is set in India. There is a bit of local color about the police that's interesting, and provides some insight into the character's nascent awakening.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was sparse. We learn that the narrator, in fact, rejects the notion that one's physical environment provides clues about who they are. But the fact that his room is empty save for broken mirrors speaks volumes about who he is. The metaphor of the mirrors is a powerful one, and I liked it a lot.

__________
*Check2*Characters
We meet two characters: our narrator, and "her," the one he once found so weird and fascinating, the one whose portraits he drew, then abandoned, the one who re-awakened him from his self-imposed exile.

We see "her" through the narrator's eyes. He tells us she's unique in ways she doesn't realize. He tells us his words inspire him. He tells us he inspects her, so that he can paint her in secret. Her influence on him is profound--so profound that he flees. Then an unexpected letter reawakens him...

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I truly wish I had heard her speak, had an opportunity to learn for myself those quixotic emotions and complex insights that so fascinated the narrator. Instead, everything is narrated...

__________
*Check2*Grammar
*Exclaim* Comma Splices.*Exclaim*
A comma splice occurs when you have two complete sentences joined by a comma where a period or semicolon should be used. I've marked one or more of these in the line-by-line comments below.

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! (Beware: this reference is for US usage. UK comma usage may differ.)


__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in
STATIC
Long Musings on Short Stories  (E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

My main suggestion for this story is to try inject more showing. I already commented that I wanted to hear "her" speak. I found it strange to learn that the narrator painted over 90 portraits of her, but we have the barest of descriptions of her appearance. He's an artist, so wouldn't he remember and describe her appearance in loving detail? His room may be barren, but it's very austerity reveals his emotional state. Perhaps a cricket chirps in the night, or a spider weaves a web? While he rejects the notion, his room is an window into his soul. The broken mirrors attest to that.

So...I think this is a wrenching, heartbreaking story. But it's mostly the narrator thrashing about inside his head. We have the barest snippets of dialog and setting. There is almost no sensory input at all, except for the vivid descriptions of the panic attacks at the start. I think the story could be made even more powerful if you folded in more senses, more descriptions, and more dialog. Reveal the characters--especially her--through their words and deeds, and less through narration. That will make the emotional content more immediate and intimate to your readers.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Perhaps ridiculing terrorist agendas means you’re a terrorist, oddly, that’s how government rhetoric works.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*I thought they were amazing, she thought those same poems made her an outcast. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: comma splice *Exclaim*

*Cut*The more she got better, the more I was effected as a result.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you mean "affected." See
http://web.ku.edu/~edit/affect.html *Exclaim*

*Cut*My walls are lined with cracked mirrors, because I think the distorted images of myself on those cracked mirrors, sort of illustrate how disturbed I am. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The cracked images in the mirrors are a wonderful metaphor. I'd consider using this in the very first paragraph, perhaps leaving to the reader the inference that it's symbolic of state of mind. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

"Invalid Item" 


Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


322
322
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on "Please Review" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.
__________
Item Reviewed: "No Screams in Space" 
Author LCVarnum
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
Richard is chief scientist on the ship The Coronae Storm. He's found a curious shell, with worm-like tentacles. By all measures, it should be dead, but he measures neural activity. His Captain worries about danger, and requires that Richard move the specimen to a cargo hold, where he continues his investigations. Alas, there is more to the mystery shell than meets the eye--Richard's left eye.

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Mostly third person limited, in Richard's point of view until the ending, when we shift to the point of view of Officer Taves, of Ursa 339 colony, who has been sent to investigate. I thought a spotted a small wobble in POV in the first half, as noted in the line-by-line comments below.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
A future starship, on hire as a science vessel. That's enough to set the stage for this tasty little tidbit of horror.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
This was pretty good. I got a good sense of the hold, and then later of the bridge, the two most critical locations for the plot.

__________
*Check2*Characters
Richard, an ambitious scientist who doesn't want to lose control of his fascinating specimen. Ruhaus, the Captain, appropriately gruff and cautious. Taves, a soldier, cautious and bold at the same time. Oh, and the cast of thousands in the shell...

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog did a good job of moving the story forward.

*Exclaim* Contractions.*Exclaim* People use contractions in normal speech, so, for verisimilitude, we should include contractions in our dialog. You might want to review some of the dialog with this in mind.

__________
*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in
STATIC
Long Musings on Short Stories  (E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

I liked this story. It had a nice, "Outer Limits" feel to it, with a chilling ending. The beginning was a little matter of fact, and then the transformation of the specimen and its attack went by very fast--too fast, for my thinking. I had to go back and re-read to be sure what had happened. I wouldn't over-do it, but I think a few more words at that critical point would help.

I loved the ending, and the last line in particular--it sent chills! Nice job!

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*Doctor Richard Kertz flipped several switches on one of the consoles in his laboratory, keying up the three large lights over the examination table and illuminating the object resting there. It looked like a snail; a dark shell spiraling inward. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Good opening sentences! You've named the point of view character, he's doing something relevant to the plot, and you've oriented the reader in space and time. [Coming back later, I was a little surprised to learn his lab was in a space ship. You might try to sneak that in, here, too.] *Exclaim*

*Cut* Laying on its side it measured almost four feet across and a foot and nearly two feet tall. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: the "and a foot" in the middle didn't seem to fit. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The opening was filled with a half dozen worm-like tentacles,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you'd like them to be your active partners in imagining your story. For this reason, it's generally better to use active verb forms. *Exclaim*

*Cut*tapered rapidly and retracted so that only the tapered tips were barely visible outside of the shell.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "tapered" repeats. Repeating words and phrases can make your prose sound monotone, so it's usually better to have a more varied word choice. Here, the 2nd use of "tapered" could just be deleted. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The shell was cool to the touch and had become moist since its arrival in the ship's laboratory, covered in a thin film.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I know you mean the SHELL is covered in a thin film, but this construction makes it sound like it's the laboratory. I'd move "covered in a thin film" after "moist," and set it off with commas. *Exclaim*

*Cut*no apparent respitory activity. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: respiratory. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"I'm not entirely sure yet, Captain. I've finished just finished the initial tests to see what sort of activity is going on within the shell and...well, I'm not sure what to make of the results. There's nothing to indicate that there are any kind of cardiac or respiratory functions and yet there is clearly something going on*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "going on" repeats... *Exclaim*

*Cut*"So its alive?" Ruhaus asked, taking an uneasy step back.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: "it's," with an apostrophe. *Exclaim*

*Cut*His ship, a science vessle called The Coronae Storm, had picked up the creature on its sensors just a few hours ago, while en route to the colony on Ursa 339. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: vessel. Also, this stops the story while the author intrudes to tell the reader facts. This pulls the reader out of the story. It's usually better to find a way to convey this kind of information in some kind of dramatic scene rather than through narration. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Ruhaus said, his gaze turning to Richard to convey his seriousness.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: It's felt for a paragraph or so like we've hopped from Richard's head to Ruhaus. This sentence, where you tell us Ruhaus's motivation for his gaze, confirms the shift in point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut* Ruhaus fixed the scientist with a steely stare that nearly crumbled his resolve. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Now we're back in Richard's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*He had brought with him a massive stainless steel cart, upon which were all the instruments he could from the laboratory.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: missing word? Also, this is a little awkward. You might replace the final clause with something like, "loaded with all the instruments it could hold." *Exclaim*

*Cut*Causing the shell to lurch away from him, the appendage pushed out with shocking speed, revealing a long, slender tentacle with a bulbous end. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This was a little confusing at first. "The appendage" makes it sound like we've seen it before, where "an appendage" implies it's new. Also, the leading participle phrase breaks the main action, which is the appendage pushing out with shocking speed. I'd lead with that instead, and the describe the shell lurching away from him. *Exclaim*

*Cut*he could feel a numbness beginning to creep through his body.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Be careful with phrases like "he could feel." This filters the sensory information through your character. It's usually more intimate and immediate for your readers to describe what he felt directly. They will infer he felt it, since you're in his point of view. That little step of inference is one way to draw your readers into the story. *Exclaim*

*Cut*causing them all to bring their rifles up to bare. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I think you mean "bear," as in "bear down," as opposed to "bare," as in "expose." *Exclaim*

*Cut*In the center, a set of stairs climbed to a dais that overlooked it all, as well as gave a the best view*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: extra word. *Exclaim*

*Cut*In its place was a fleshy mass that seemed to consumed most of the left side of his face. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: consume, not consumed *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

"Invalid Item" 


Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
Cover for Portrait of an Artist Image #1684591 over display limit. -?-


323
323
Review of Thy Will Be Done  
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. Thanks for asking me to review your story. I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

__________
Item Reviewed: "Thy Will Be Done" 
Author Wally Setter
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
__________
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*

__________
*Check2*Plot
The Brothers are determined to carry the Gospel to the stars, even to alien species on distant planets. They secure passage on a transport to Kelos, a freighter carrying Earth foodstuffs and other luxury goods. Alas, an improbably collision strands the ship, its loyal crew, and two survivors in interstellar space. The power plant and foodstuffs, along with a small shipboard botanical garden, provide an endless source of energy and supplies for the survivors. The Brothers bring the crew member to the Light and the promise of salvation before they pass. Now, the crew member prays every day for salvation, wondering why he God has forsaken him. (I'm trying to not reveal the twist...)

__________
*Check2*Style and Voice
This story is largely told using an omniscient, third person narrator...more on this below.

__________
*Check2*Referencing
Far future, with faster-than-light travel, alien species, and some interesting religious consequences.

__________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
Well, because the story is narrated, I'm afraid there is not too much of this.

__________
*Check2*Characters
the crew member is the key. He's loyal, logical, and now a Believer in the truest sense of the word.

*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. I would have loved to hear the Brothers talking to the crew member.

__________
*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I am sure that I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!


__________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. I've written on these ideas more extensively in
STATIC
Long Musings on Short Stories  (E)
Some random thoughts on writing short stories.
#1537812 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

In any case, I mention the above to provide context to some of the comments in the line-by-line remarks below.

So, I REALLY liked the plot for this story. I love stories with a twist at the end, and this one delivered. I thought you might have telegraphed the ending a bit too early (see the notes below), but this is a wonderful story. One thing--as I understand it, the current theory is that dark energy will cause the Universe to continue to expand, and eventually it will win out over gravity. So, in the distant future, there are no stars, just random atoms. Eventually, dark energy will even overpower the strong and weak forces, leaving the Universe empty and dark. That's the fate that awaits Mat, assuming he survives long enough.

So...I loved the plot. I liked the characters, too, to the extent I got to meet them. But, and it's a huge but, this story is 100% narrated. It's all telling and no showing. I think you've got a powerful theme and a wonderful idea for a story, but I'd expand on it. It's worth doing.

I'd start the story with the Brothers meeting Mat, maybe touring the ship. They need to SPEAK to him, and he needs to speak to them. We need to see their quarters. Instead of telling us about in narrated form, Mat could express doubts about their trip, about how inhospitable the planet is. That's an opportunity for them to show their faith, in their own words. After all, their faith is the core of the story.

After the accident, I'd like to see some key incidents revealed in conversations between the surviving Brothers and Mat. In particular, when Brother Francis passes, show Mat grieving and show Brother Xavier reassuring him. Show Mat's reaction later, when Brother Xavier passes.

I admit all of this will be tricky, since you can't have Mat in the same room with the Brothers. He has to communicate with them "from the Bridge" via the intercom, or some similar construction. But I think this story will be much more powerful if we come to know these characters through their words and deeds, rather than through a distant, omniscient narrator.

To repeat--this is a fantastic story idea. I love the mix of technology, science, and religion, and the paradoxes that flow from them. The ideas merit a longer story, with a more human touch. That can only increase the emotional impact.

__________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in RED.
If I have a suggested re-working, it's in GREEN.
__________
*Cut*The advent of faster than light travel and subsequent exploration changed forever the notion that man was alone in the universe. New religious orders sprang up. Others were modified in acceptance of the fact that God had chosen to scatter his people among the stars. One such was a Catholic offshoot, The Church of the Children of God.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here you launch into narrating your story. This feels like an author intrusion, where you are telling the reader facts rather than showing. *Exclaim*

*Cut*In the cargo bays were a variety of grains, fruits and vegetables, all highly prized by the people of Kelos. None of Earth’s plants could be grown in Kelos’ foreign environment. Even in their most carefully controlled labs Earth seed would only rot in the soil. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This made it sound like the people of Kelos were human colonists, but later we learn that they are aliens. I'd be clear at the outset. You might even describe them. *Exclaim*

*Cut*the supplies should sustain the two remaining survivors for the rest of their natural lives.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: The "two remaining survivors" here will reveal to the alert reader that "Mat" is a computer. I think you eliminate "two," and keep the suspense going for a bit longer. *Exclaim*

*Cut*They hoped, God willing, that some day their writings would be discovered and help lead all of God’s people to the Light.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: "someday"--one word. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Still surveying the emptiness and the unchanging stars, Mars Automated Transport AI-2177A prayed, “Father, why hast thou forsaken me.”*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'd end the story here, without the epilogue. The tension about Mat's identity, and the hopelessness of his condition, dissipates with this beautiful sentence. *Exclaim*

__________

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
Check out my essay on short stories at "Long Musings on Short Stories" .

"Invalid Item" 


Titles available at http://www.loveyoudivine.com/
** Image ID #1558330 Unavailable ** Cover for the novella, "The Ascension."


324
324
Review by
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on
 Power Reviewers List  (ASR)
A list of items needing reviewed by the WDC Power Reviewers.
#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "It's Not Even Light Out" 
Author jarlequenne
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*
______________________
*Check2*General Impressions
There is some lovely writing here, and a strong sense of yearning and loss. You left me wanting to know more, which is always a good thing.

______________________
*Check2*Plot
Angel wakes in bed with a man whose name she cannot recall. She meanders to the window and smokes while she watches the snow fall. She remembers another man, long ago, and her loss. She remembers killing someone today. Her nameless lover wakes, announces his love, and she scorns him.

______________________
*Check2*Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Angel's point of view.

______________________
*Check2*Referencing
I have to say I'm confused by this. There are hints that Angel might be an assassin, that she might be a cyborg, or perhaps something else. There are hints that London and Chicago have been destroyed. I'm sure that you have a complex back story that underpins this, but it's all pretty obscure right now. Unless this is part of a novel, or series of stories, it seems to me that these various hints get in the way of the main plot. You have a strong theme and story without these: Angel has lost her first love, and now seeks lovers on a random basis. However, all fall short, and so she abandons them. She feels scarred by her past, by her loss, and regrets what she does. She's a strong character, filled with angst and remorse. Readers will identify with her.

______________________
*Check2*Scene/Setting
You peppered this with lots of details, all in an evanescent style and in Angel's point of view. This is an excellent example of using the setting deepen the readers' connections with your character.

______________________
*Check2*Characters
This is all about Angel. She's a great character--I really felt drawn to her, and sympathetic with her. However, because I was also confused about her background, and about the world in which she lived, I felt a bit distanced from her as well.

______________________
*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The snippets of dialog were great, including Angel's internal dialog.

*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

I liked your descriptions and your use of simile and metaphor. It really brought this story to life. However, I noticed that you made extensive use of participles. I'm not a big fan of this construction, since I think it tends to be indirect and to distance the reader from the action. Participles, when used in moderation, can add variety to your sentences, but the key word is "in moderation." In the line-by-line comments below, I picked out a couple of sentences and made suggestions on how these might be be changed for the sake of clarity.

______________________
*Check2*Just my personal opinion
This is a strong story, and I liked it quite a lot. Angel is an enigma, and one I'd like to know more about. You've put me in her head and made me like her, despite the strong suggestions that there is evil, if not in her heart, then at least in her deeds. That's excellent writing.

However, you've also interlaced the story narrative with numerous flashbacks. While you marked these with an extra line of space, I still found them confusing. Each time you pull the reader away from the present and insert them in the past, you interrupt the fictional dream and pull the reader out of the story. I realize that the flashbacks are integral to your plot, but I wonder if you might find a way to reduce the number, and to more clearly cue the reader when we move from the present to the past?

To repeat: I really liked this story a lot. Your descriptions, in particular, have a haunting beauty. Thank you for sharing!

______________________
*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
______________________
*Cut*She had lain in the dark for the last three hours, examining the ceiling and listening to the soothing sounds of the city outside the frozen windows. The snow had fallen intermittently, between the shafts of green streetlight glow and into all the dirty little cracks and crevices in the concrete far, far below. She lay unmoving as he tossed and turned, breathing harsh and shallow in his chest, which heaved against the restraint of the blankets he'd tied himself up in. She ought to roll over and shake him awake, whisper calming words in his ear, stroke his hair until whatever haunted him was gone. That's what a good person would do.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This is a good opening. You put us in the head of your point of view character, and orient the reader in space and time. You've also beautifully drawn the setting. My only minor suggestion is that you NAME your point of view character in the first sentence, instead of delaying until the second paragraph. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Tired of having the blankets jerked from her form and being elbowed and kneed she rolled from the bed, bare feet padding across the cold wooden floor, carrying her to the window. One hand came to rest on the window, metallic "click click click" of her fingertips against the glass, her breath fogging the view yet further.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I'm not a big fan of participles. I think both of these sentences could be improved by using a more structure. In addition, I'm pretty sure there are some missing commas. I'm usually loathe to make specific suggestions on re-writing, but this once I'd like to make an exception, just to show you the difference. Of course, you might disagree that my suggestion reads with more clarity, in which case you should ignore it.
She tired of his elbows and knees poking at her and of him jerking the blankets away. She rolled from the bed and padded on bare feet across the cold wooden floor to the window. One hand came to rest on the glass, and her fingertips made metallic "click click click" sounds against the pane while her breath fogged the view yet further.

These are (almost) your exact words, but this small revision seems more active to me. I also made a couple of minor changes to avoid repeating "window." *Exclaim*

*Cut*she could hear him groping around behind her,*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Be careful with phrases like "she could hear," "she could see," etc. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate to describe what she heard directly. Since you've put us so effectively in her head, the reader will infer that she heard it. That little step of inference is one of the ways to draw readers into your story. *Exclaim*

*Exclaim*My Comment: *Exclaim*until Jhon had come pounding on their door, made her leave. She'd had no choice.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Did you mean "John?" *Exclaim*

*Cut*the flick of a lighter was nothing in the face of the roaring fire of London, the inferno that had consumed Chicago.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Maybe I'm slow, but these references are too obscure to make sense to me. Are we in a post-apocalyptic world? *Exclaim*
*Cut*ever twitch of his muscles.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: typo: every twitch *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Then close your eyes."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: what a great last line!!!! *Exclaim*

______________________
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi, my name is Max. I found your story on
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#1325649 by KC under the midnight sun

I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "The Empire - Chapter 01" 
Author Kalinda
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful *Smile*, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. *Heart* My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.*Smile*
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*Check2*General Impressions

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*Check2*Plot
Kali, an alien aboard a (human) Imperial star ship, is worried about her friend Adrian. He's missed his shift on the bridge, so she uses her telepathic sense to try to find him. Then Bryce, a weapon's specialist, shows up with the information that Adrian is in the brig. Worried about the pernicious security officers, she persuades Bryce to speak to Adrian, who says, "Don't worry." It seems he's been reassigned to the most prestigious vessel in the fleet, but he's declined the posting. There's some more back and forth, Adrian shows a human side, and the mystery of his posting deepens.

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*Check2*Style and Voice
I'm going to digress for a moment on point of view. If you already know this, I apologize.

This chapter seems to be written with an omniscient narrator who knows what each character senses and thinks. Much great literature has used the omniscient narrator, but this approach is very much out of style today. About 30% of modern fiction uses a first person narrator, and the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses "third person limited." For the latter, in each scene the author picks one character as the "point of view" character. The author relates everything in that scene from the point of view of that character; we know what she hears, sees, smells, and so on. If it's "close" point of view, we also know what the character thinks. But we do NOT know what the other characters see, hear, think, etc. All we can do is infer these things from their words and deeds. The idea is that this approach draws the reader into the point of view character's head and hence into the story.

Most editors today will see an omniscient narrator as "head-hopping" from character to another in a scene. This can be deadly in terms of getting your submission accepted by a commercial publisher. In the line-by-line comments below, I've marked places where the point of view shifts from one character to another.

In this chapter, you have several scenes--some in the bridge and some in the brig. Each little mini-scene needs it's own POV character. I'd think you'd want Kali on the bridge and Adrian in the brig, leaving the reader to learn about Bryce based on his words and deeds and (possibly) on Adrian's and Kali's thoughts.

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*Check2*Referencing
Lots of references to the future world and how Kali fits into it. Mostly you avoided the dreaded info-dump, but I flagged a couple of places where the story stopped while the author told the reader stuff. It's almost always better to find a way to deliver this kind of information in a dramatic scene, even if it means delaying it until later in the story.

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*Check2*Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging.

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*Check2*Characters
Kali, a bit of an outcast, eager to please, and grateful to Adrian for his friendship. Adrian, deliberately aloof and a genius. However, we caught of glimpse of his humanity toward the end. Bryce seems to be the loyal-if-flawed sidekick.

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*Exclaim* Dialog.*Exclaim* This is a great way to move the plot forward and to add depth to characters. The dialog was excellent.


*Check2*Grammar

*Exclaim* Commas.*Exclaim*
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps! [Note that this gives US comma rules, not those for the UK.]

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*Check2*Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they imagine events along with the author. I've written in more detail on this topic in "Long Musings on Short Stories" 

This chapter did a great job of introducing three characters, at least two of whom will likely continue throughout the entire novel. You established mystery, conflict, the basics of your fictional universe, and kept the tension going. There's a pretty good set of hooks to keep the pages turning as well. I think some fine-tuning, especially with respect to point of view, will make this a terrific opening!

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*Check2*Line-by-line Comments
Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.
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*Cut*Why does time seem so slow when you're waiting for something to happen? Was it simply a trick of the mind or was there a dimension you entered, a special mocking place, where time expanded just to drive you crazy?

Ensign Kali Mirren drummed impatient fingers along the edge of the control panel, her fingers occasionally slipping on the rounded edge. The solitude of the bridge was eerie during the night shift. The slight energy hum of various ship systems, normally ignored, magnified in the absence of other noises. She could feel it in her teeth sometimes, annoying little vibrations.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Openings are critical. They are your first and best chance to draw your readers into your fictional world. Many editors will decide on whether or not to read your submission based only on your opening, sometimes just on your first sentence.

Taken together, these are a pretty good start. You name your point of view character, orient the reader in space and time, and have her doing something--in this case, waiting. However, I'd lead with the second paragraph. There are few better ways to draw readers into your story than to start with your protagonist doing something.

However, the first paragraph consists of the author speaking directly to the reader. Now, you might argue that 100% of a story consists of the author speaking to the reader, but the author's presence is often muted. Your goal is to draw the readers into the story and activate their imaginations, not to speak to them. For example, here, I'd put the questions and thoughts in the first paragraph in Kali's head. Then you've put the READER into Kali's head, firmed up her point of view, and better engaged the reader's imagination. The difference is subtle, but often an important one. *Exclaim*

*Cut*At the edge of her consciousness, she could 'hear' other echoes, the musical thrum of life around her, producing a flowing and ebbing tide of melody.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Beware of phrases like "she could hear." This filters the sensory information through your character. Usually, it's more immediate and intimate for the readers to describe the sounds (or sights, or sensations) directly. Readers will infer she "heard" them since you've established that we're in her point of view. If you want to emphasize that she heard them, then have her respond in some fashion, perhaps a shiver, for example. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Kali was a humanoid alien from Tellar in Sector 5. She was human enough in all the right places, with only a few minor, internal differences, hardly noticeable unless you were into dissecting bodies or were in the medical profession. With her jet-black hair - cut regulation short for females - sharp grey eyes, thin, athletic build, and black officer's uniform, she seemed like any other Terran woman onboard, apart from the psi abilities, of course.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: This stops the story while the author tells the reader stuff. Is there a way to reveal this without telling? Perhaps something prompts her to think about her heritage? *Exclaim*

*Cut*Whispers of emotions from the rest of the crew licked against her mind like gentle waves, but there was no familiar touch of Adrian's mind. She pushed out further, stretching her abilities, feeling the strain in her mind like a band pulled to its limit and ready to snap.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: lovely writing here! *Exclaim*

*Cut*On the Sedener, there was little scope for their ‘talents’.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Is "Sedener" the name of the vessel? If so, shouldn't it be in italics? I checked, and the answer is "yes." See
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/566/01/...
*Exclaim*

*Cut*Bryce wore the grey jumpsuit of the lower ranks, a colour he really hated.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Here you've hopped from Kali's head to Bryce's. It's almost always better to stick with one point of view per scene. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Oh. You want me to do some digging 'round?" There was a conspiratorial twinkle in his eyes.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You've more or less shifted to Bryce's point of view at this point. However, he can't see his own eyes, so this is in Kali's point of view... *Exclaim*

*Cut*A lock of dark brown hair strayed out of position and was firmly brushed back into place. *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: "was brushed" is passive voice, which puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be your active partners in imagining your fictional world. For this reason, active verb forms are usually better. Also, we've switched to a new scene and a new point of view character here--Adrian. But, since he can't see his hair, it's a point of view violation to give the color. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Psst." A voice called to him from the doorway.

Frowning, Adrian looked up. "What are you doing here?"

"Trying to be quiet."

"There isn't anyone here."

"Oh. Yeah." He peered into the bare cell. "Comfy in there?"

"Are you here to ask irrelevant questions, or did you have a real reason?"

Bryce grinned. "Kali sent me."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: I could use some dialog tags at the start here. Since Adrian recognizes the speaker, you could say he looked up "recognized Bryce." Also, the "he peered into the bare cell" is in Bryce's point of view, so we've jumped from Adrian's head to Bryce's. *Exclaim*

*Cut*The hard, impassive face softened briefly - at least Bryce could almost swear it had. "Tell her not to worry."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Again, in Bryce's point of view. *Exclaim*

*Cut*If only he knew, but Adrian wasn't about to tell him; no one needed to know anything about him. He turned away and began pacing his cell. "Tell Kali not to worry."*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: And now we're back in Adrian's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Kali’s fingers tapped her console. Why would Adrian refuse assignment to the best ship in the fleet? Did he know the Admiral? Was there a personal conflict? Knowing Adrian, that wouldn’t be out of the question. "Did you find out what they’re going to do with him?"*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: You're relaying Kali's thoughts, so you're in her head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"Well…I don't hate him or anything." The misty look in her eyes was making him feel as uncomfortable as Adrian's steady stares.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: Bryce's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*As much as Adrian hated to admit it, Bryce had a point, but what answer would satisfy Kali?*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In Adrian's head. *Exclaim*

*Cut*Being in a place with cells gave him the feeling his past was catching up with him. He'd been a conman and thief before being caught and sentenced to a penal colony. The Empire had generously given him the option of doing a ten-year stint in the military and he'd grabbed it.*Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: author intruding to tell the reader facts. *Exclaim*

*Cut*"See if I don’t," Bryce snapped back. Why was he doing this anyways? He didn't need this abuse. "I’m not doing it for you." *Cut**Exclaim*My Comment: In Bryce's head... *Exclaim*

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*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. *Frown* Since I'm reviewing for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it. *Smile*

*Exclaim* Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse! *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!



Max Griffin
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/
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