This looks to be a reasonable start to an interesting story about space travel in the (apparently) distant future. Sadly, the slave trade seems to be alive and well, and spread throughout the galaxy. The security officer becomes aware of some sort of malfunction and finds that one of child slaves has left her pod far too early, which makes an obvious lead-in to the next chapter.
You may want to review the chapter for grammar and punctuation errors. There aren't a lot of them, but they do present a bit of a challenge to your readers, and you want to avoid that, if you can.
Good luck with the rest of your story, and thanks for sharing!
You make excellent points, Jeff. I admit to having initially skipped to the formatted paragraph, but I did go back up and read the original paragraph for content. Thank you, too, for the information regarding line and paragraph spacing; I didn't know, they were adjustable.
Hi, Miss Lysithea! I think you did a fine job describing the chaos and numbness that comes with a shock like that. It's hard enough to describe feelings, but to capture your own while being overwhelmed by them is nearly impossible. Good job!
Hello, Dave! I'm not the world's best writer--let alone, the best one here at WDC--but here is some feedback regarding this item from your Review Request.
First Impressions: Mandated "True Confessions" in a prison setting? This could get very interesting! Cody's nervousness regarding keeping secrets, while telling enough to get Father Mike's stamp of approval, lets us know there's going to be some uncomfortable squirming involved. I can certainly identify with him regarding being in the spotlight, too.
Grammar/Spelling/Character/Dialogue (Picky Stuff): In the 2nd line, add a comma between 'apartment' and 'hiding', so that it reads "...basement apartment, hiding...". In the paragraph before the flashback starts, you should move the 2nd apostrophe so that the line reads "...'Hi, it's nice to meet you' sort of way." Use a Find/Replace to make sure all references say "Fond du Lac" (one of them is only 'Fon').
Setting: "...chairs are bolted to the floor..." is about all the detail needed to set the prison chapel scene. Although most folks have been to a carnival-type event, it would be nice to have a few more details concerning the horse show aspect (sounds and smells, perhaps). For example, I live in Colorado--the 'Wild West'--but have never been to a rodeo, and you can only learn so much from TV and movies.
Overall: The last two lines confirm the preliminary nature of this piece, making this a nice intro to the rest of the story.
Remember that these are my personal thoughts and no offense is meant by any criticism offered.
And so the question is: Did Cody change the future's timeline by revealing his startling information? It would appear not, but what about his classmates? Will any of them remember Cody's words regarding the Colts and Ravens and, realizing they had a fantastic opportunity, place a wager on the Super Bowl for that year? It's more than a little like Back to the Future Part II. It would be cool, if a sequel to this story were to appear sometime in the future.
Thanks for sharing your story with us!
This is a powerful story. Tortured for her faith in Christ, Xiao Sing clings to her faith to sustain her while imprisoned. She acknowledges the weakness of her flesh, swinging between outwardly holding true and--temporarily--renouncing her Savior under extreme duress. Inwardly, though, she knows what she believes and continually seeks strength from the Father. When her father taught her about controlling her destiny, I wonder, if he knew where her choices would lead her, and how she would choose to respond. Wonderful story!
This is a beautiful sentiment, accompanied by lovely artwork. Your mom would be so pleased. I know, what you mean. My mom's been gone almost 2 1/2 years, and every holiday season since just hasn't been the same. Keep on treasuring your memories of her in your heart.
This is a great article about a very important part of the writing process. Properly crafting your teaser / description is how we get folks to click on our story among the dozens--if not hundreds--created here at WDC on any given day. I agree with you regarding the importance of the teaser, and also enjoy creating a good one. In fact, I'd like to read "The Ghost Gun", but I can't find it in your port, on site, or anywhere else on the Internet.
I'm not the world's best writer--and certainly not the best one here at WDC--but I thought I'd provide some feedback regarding this item from your port that caught my eye.
First Impressions: The teaser / description told me right away, that there were likely a few 'jolts' to be had here. I was right. I liked the introduction of the more serious 'caretaker'.
Grammar and Spelling: No problems here.
Character/Dialogue: For some reason, 'figure' doesn't seem in line with the rest of the dragon's speech. 'Believe', perhaps?
Setting: A cemetery in the dead of night? Nothing wrong with that!
Overall: This is a well-written little story about a grave robber, who gets a well-deserved shock.
Remember that these are my personal thoughts and no offense is meant by any criticism offered.
During my tours in Augsburg and Frankfurt, I saw a lot of guys wearing that patch. Your poem tells the story of the patch's colors, and hints at the 7th's success in battle. Good job! Thanks for sharing.
What a wonderful testimony to our Nation's symbol this is! I finished reading it and just had to listen to Johnny Cash's "Ragged Old Flag". Your poem speaks of loss and sacrifice endured, and of that yet to come. Day and night our flag flies, in weather fair and foul, a reminder to those who serve and to those who see them off. Thank you for sharing.
A lovely poem, Teresa. I've seen a fair number of poems and stories about our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines, and they're all good. Hidden inside yours, though, is a glimpse into the cost borne by those who love the ones that serve. Thank you for sharing it with us.
As a retired soldier and father of 4 girls, I am more than familiar with the declaration, "I gotta go NOW!", usually heard on some lonely stretch of Interstate in the dead of night. Although we saw our share of questionably sanitary restrooms, we never suffered quite the disaster you so clearly described. I'm with you, though. I wouldn't want to have been the next guy through the door, nor the station attendant subsequently hearing about it (at an elevated volume, no doubt). Thanks for sharing!
I'm not the world's best writer--let alone, the best one here at WDC--but I thought I'd provide some feedback regarding this item from the "Recent Review Requests" page.
First Impressions: A nice little 4-stanza poem with a aabb ccdd eeff gghh rhyme scheme, it tells the story of dandelions lifted from the ground to float through the air.
Grammar and Spelling: Grammar and spelling were both fine.
Character/Dialogue: "I" did a fine job narrating the tale. The imagery of the dandelions as tiny dancers or ballerinas was perfect.
Setting: There weren't any details about where the dandelions started (which is not a problem), but their landing spot was clearly pictured.
Overall: It's easy to visualize the dandelions being scattered by the wind, only to land here and there. A nice poem.
Remember that these are my personal thoughts and no offense is meant by any criticism offered.
Your story brought back some great memories of my own time in Germany. I liked your descriptions of the US Army hotels--the General Walker in Berchtesgaden, and the General Patton in Garmisch--and your day trip details were great. Thanks for sharing!
Hi, sindbad. This is such a sad story, but one with joy, too. I've had to have a few pets put down, too; it's really tough.
You easily tell Pepcee's life story: how she became an integral part of your family, how she persevered through illness, and how she finally said goodbye. It's a very moving tribute to an important part of your life. Thank you for writing and sharing it.
I'm not the world's best writer--let alone, the best one here at WDC--and I certainly prefer reading writing to analyzing it, but I thought I'd provide some feedback regarding this item.
First Impressions -
Setting: All the action takes place in the character's room. There's no description of the room, save for the original and eventual color of the walls. Adding a few details may help readers create a clearer mental image of the scene.
Grammar and Spelling: Nothing jumped out at me, except for 'whole' vs. 'hole' in the last paragraph.
Character/Dialogue: The character could be either male of female, but the reader isn't told which, and there's no dialogue.
Overall: The fly's buzzing may be seen to represent some mental crisis being endured by the character. He/She tries various therapies, concluding by opening a window--opening himself/herself up to another person, perhaps?--which seems to provide some relief.
Remember that these are my personal thoughts and no offense is meant by any criticism offered.
Hi, K.HBey. You make some good points in this essay. The refugee issue is not limited to one part of the world. Every nation, seemingly, is touched by it in one form or another, and it can be very difficult for the new arrivals to find honorable, gainful employment. You also set the great advances in health care against the ongoing problems of cancers and other major illnesses.
I'm not the world's best writer--let alone, the best one here at WDC--but I thought I'd provide some feedback regarding this item from the "Recent Review Requests" page.
First Impressions:
Grammar and Spelling: Not to get super nitpicky, but you may want to consider the following: drop the dash from each 'back-lot', capitalize each 'corvette' (as it's a proper noun), drop the dash from 'gym-socks', drop the extra letter 'p' from 'man-shapped', change 'burley' to 'burly', change "I wan't you to tell me..." to "I want you to...", and change each 'pain of glass' to 'pane of glass'.
Character/Dialogue: The dialogue fits the situation, and I liked your use of dialogue tags. I also think you did a great job punctuating the dialogue; not everyone can do this.
Setting: Your description easily evoked memories of a basic trailer park, and helped set an eerie tone for the ending. To add a last little bit, perhaps Harlan can wonder, if Corky has taken Gibby's place as the ghost-in-residence, allowing Gibby to rest in peace.
Overall: A nice little story about spooky goings-on at a trailer park.
Remember that these are my personal thoughts and no offense is meant by any criticism offered.
Hi, elizjohn! I saw this item on the "Recent Review Requests" page and thought I'd take a look. I like the poem, but I'm not sure, what type of feedback you were seeking. Assistance or suggestions for completion of the poem, perhaps, so that the last stanza also has 12 lines? In case you were, I offer the following:
You’re on my mind
like you sometimes are,
capturing my hopes.
You slink in,
as if I've left the basement door open,
the foundation of my soul
laid bare to your torment.
You seek to undo me,
but I’ll be victorious over you yet.
The door will shut,
the window will close,
and I’ll be free again.
Hi, hellokitty! I really enjoyed your word search. You included a lot of well-known people and places--Lewis and Clark, McGwire, Gateway Arch--as well as some not as familiar to folks not from the area (e.g. Meremac and Grant's Farm). Thanks for setting it up!
I saw the Five Second Fiction folder in your port and thought I'd take a peek.
I really like this comparison of two disparate activities - baking bread and writing. The fact that you folded it into the challenge of telling the tale in exactly 100 unique words makes it even better.
You did a very nice job describing each stage of the bread baking process and then explaining how it relates to writing; the maxim at the end is right on target, too.
Great job in a difficult contest/medium!
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I liked the introduction of the more serious 'caretaker'. 
