What a sweet, touching story. I really enjoyed this. I felt that Harold was a very realistic character and I was happy for him when he found something he could enjoy doing. Very well written.
Absolutely wonderful little story. I knew it had to be some kind of rodent or bug, but I still enjoyed the ending. Delightful! I didn't notice any obvious errors.
I really enjoyed what I've read so far. Most of the chapters I've read so far are well-written and fun to read. It's a great idea. I'm sure we've all wished we could do some of these things in real life. I look forward to reading more and possibly adding as well.
A fun little story. Short, but sweet. Just a few things that could be improved: You use the word jumped twice in a short space at the beginning.
I was brushing my teeth when the alarm I had set to wake me up went off. This line feels just a little wordy and awkward to me. Maybe consider simply... I was brushing my teeth when my alarm went off.
and again surprised my by going (my should be me)
And don’t worry, with those shoes your live (life)
Short and sweet. Funny and to the point. I giggled out loud when I read this. As a side note: If you're out of shampoo and your hair tends to be more oily than dry, Dawn dishsoap actually does work very well as a shampoo. (Wish it really would help you lose weight!)
Before I get to the nitpicking, I want to make sure you understand that the following critique is meant to help make your wonderful story better, not to be mean. I am enjoying the story; if I wasn't, I would simply stop reading and not spend the extra time needed to provide my opinons and advice. I get the impression from this chapter that you were a little rushed for time to finish it. Now the nitpicking:
battle scars latter. (should be later, not latter)
She's in the middle of an archaeological dig that seems to be the last hope of mankind but takes time to talk on the phone with her mother on a daily basis?? Seems odd.
then one day, a young boy with a badly burned face from an accident the previous year came up on a pilgrimage. By then the military had taken over and kept people away. Somehow, he had sneaked in. When they found him, he was a perfectly normal boy, but the scarring was gone. It was as if it had never been there.
(this section is really awkward...it's hard to put a finger on it, but the wording just feels off. Sorry, that's not overly helpful, I"m having trouble putting a finger on why it sounds wrong to me) Part of it is, the way you say he's perfectly normal, but the scarring is gone. The word "but" isn't appropriate here. It makes no sense worded that way. Maybe something like...
When they found him he was a perfectly normal boy, the scarring having miraculously disappeared.
bunch of children to small to handle the large equipment. (too small)
a plant or star system they (did you mean planet?)
Final note for this chapter: You still are bringing the story along very nicely. The suspense is building and you continue to hold my interest. Love the last line of the chapter, also. Makes the reader eager to "turn the page".
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